The Celebrity Deathmatch 3!Knight of Fire (Xenogears)
By Cloud Strife, Cait Sith, Dyne, Dave, Kasshan, and Lark!
Johnny Gomez: Hello!!! And welcome to Celebrity Deathmatch!!!!!
Nick Diamond: We've got a great show for you today!!!
Johnny: That's right, Nick!!!! First off, we have Sephiroth Vs. "Stone Cold"
Nick: I'm lookin' forward to that one!!! Then we have Cait Sith Vs. The
Johnny: Then we have Rojo Deiciseis Vs. The Taco Bell Dog, C-3PO Vs. Data, Tifa
Vs. Sailor Moon, Zack Vs. Johnny, and Link's Horse Vs. Cloud's Chocobo!!!!
Nick: All great fights!!!!! After that, we have Yuffie Vs. Vincent, Wolverine
Vs. Ryu, Reno Vs. Tseng, Dude Love vs. Elvis, Homer Simpson Vs. Palmer, Barret Vs. Chef, and Bob, the son of Sephiroth, vs. Kefka!!!!!
Johnny: Wow, great stuff!!!! The we have a Pokemon exclusive with Ash Catchem
Vs. Gary then Dav Cole vs. Alundra!!!!! Then we have Cloud and Aeris Vs. Leonardo DeCaprio and Kate
Winslit, Eve Vs. Jenova, Rufus Vs. Clinton, Lara Croft and Aya Brea Vs. Duke Nukem and 007, and Luke Skywalker vs. Zero!!!!!!
Nick: After that we have the battle of spoke-characters and thier sidekicks. We
have Mario and Luigi vs. Crash Bandicoot and Coco vs. Banjo-Kazooie vs. Sonic
the Hedgehog and Knuckles. Then we'll have the Highwind vs. the Millenium Falcon, after that Chewbacca vs. Cousin Itt vs. Gossamer vs. Donkey Kong and Bomberman vs. Bomb Man!!!
Johnny: That's right, Nick. And then we'll have our main event.
Nick: And what an event it'll be, Johnny!! We've got all the main characters
from all your favorite RPG's in a fight to the death!!
Johnny: You are correct sir!!! That's Cloud Strife vs. Link vs. Pretz vs. Ramza
vs. Brian, The Quest 64 Guy vs. Squall vs. Crono vs. Alucard vs. Lacryma vs. Toxa vs.
Rudy vs. Ryu vs. Musashi!!!!
Now lets take it down to the arena where the first fight is about to begin!!!
Nick: Mills might have a tough time with these two. This is the official fight
for the title of "Biggest @$$hole in the World!!"
Johnny: In the red corner, the biggest @$$hole in the world......SEPHIROTH!!!
And in the blue corner, the man who wants to take that title from
him........"STONE COLD" STEVE AUSTIN!!!
Mills: Alright you two dips**ts!! I want a tough, clean fight!!! I want you
both to go to hell!!!!! Let's get it on!!!!!!
Steve: If you want me to kick this guy's @$$,.... give me a Hell Yeah!!!!!!
Sephiroth: F**K OFF!!!!!! (Decapitates Steve Austin in one, swift blow) Or
should I say, Hell No!!!!!!!!
Nick: Wow!!!!! That was a shorter fight then I woulda thought!!!!!
Johnny: I don't understand why anyone would think "Stone Cold" could stand a
chance againt anyone?!?!
Nick: For God sakes, the man is all flab!!!!!! He doesn't even act well!!!!!
Johnny: Right you are, Nick!!!! Well, let's get to the next fight!!!!!
Nick: This is gonna be great!!!!!
Johnny: In the red corner, the psychic, moogle-ridin' cat from FFVII.... Cait
Sith!!!!!!! And in the blue corner, those annoying..... uh..... whatever they
are....... the Teletubies!!!!!!
Cait Sith: I'll kick all your @$$es at once!!!!! BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!
Mills: Okay, get your @$$es over here!!!!! I want a tough, clean massacre!!!!
Cait Sith: No problem!!!!
Mills: Let's get it...... hey? Where have all the Teletubie gone?
Cait Sith: S**T!!!!!! I don't know, but I swear to all I hold holy that I'll
hunt them all down and kill them one-by-one!!!!!!! (Storms out of the ring to
Nick: I guess we'll have back to that one later!!!!
Johnny: In the meantime, let's go to the next battle!!!!!! In the red corner,
the annoying, spanish-speaking beast......... Rojo Deiciseis!!!!!! And in the
blue corner, that annoying, spanish-speaking dog....... The Taco Bell dog!!!!!!!
Mills: This is the worst thing I've ever been subjected to!!!! I'd kick both
your @$$es, but I don't want to scuff my shoes!!!! I've got to go now, because
that damn mexican food is giving me diaherria!!!!!! Let's get it on!!!!!! (Runs
to the bathroom, as opposed to the border)
Dog: Yo quiero Taco Bell!!!!!
Rojo: Yo quiero una puta!!!!!! Donde esta tu madre!!!!!!
Dog: HIJO DE PUTA!!!!!!!
Rojo: Yo soy el alcahuete de tu padre!!!!!!!
Dog: Coma mierda y muera!!!!!!
Rojo: Me gusta comer paquimetros y relojes!!!!!!
Dog: Tienes intestinos flojos?
Rojo: Si!! Comi tu comida!!!!!!
Dog: Viva la revolution!!!!!!
Rojo: Viva el queso!!!!!!!
Red XIII: SHUT UP, ALREADY!!!!!!! (Jumps into the ring and slaughters them both)
Johnny: What a great conclusion to a s**tty fight!!!!!!
Nick:(Wakes up) Is it over yet?!?!?! Did I miss something?!?!
Johnny: Thank God for instant replays, eh Nick?!?!?!
Nick: Yeah!!!! Well, let's get to the next fight!!!!!
Johnny: In the red corner, that golden, annoying droid...... C-3PO!!!!!!! And in
the blue corner, that annoying android from Star Trek....... Data!!!!!!!!
C-3PO: I just don't understand human behavior!!
Mills:(Gets back in the ring) I feel better now!!!! Okay, let's get this s**t on the road!!!! Let's get it on!!!!!!
C-3PO: R-2 come back here!!! Where am I gonna stick my golden rod!!!???
Data: If we are forced to fight, then you have my sincerest apologies.
3PO: But Sir!!! I'm GAY!!!
Data: (activates his emotion chip) You are.......annoying me....
3PO: I'm terribly sorry, sir, but I suck @$$!!!
Data: I'm warning you......stay back......these emotions...
3PO: I'm just an interpreter, and not very good at anything at all!!! In fact,
I'm completely and utterly useless in every way possible!!
Data: ("experiencing anger") I believe that I am..... angry........(suddenly
snaps) YOU PEICE OF S**T!!!! I'M GONNA KICK YOU F**KIN' @$$!!!!!! (performs "the Data Slap (tm)")
3PO: Arrgh!! That hurt! A s**tty droid like myself isn't supposed to
Data: SHUT THE F**K UP NOW!!!!!! (Kicks him in the face then proceeds to beat
the every living s**t out of him as the crowd cheers hysterically!! Rips off
his head and shoves it up his shiny golden @$$!!!!!!)
Johnny: Yes! That was an amazing display of emotion by Data! Now that annoying
p.o.s won't be in any of the prequels!!!!
Nick: We can only hope, Johnny! Now let's go to a commercial break so Cloud and
Cait can hawk their merchandise!
Annoying Voice: Are you a robot who just isn't any good?!?! Do you wish someone
could help you?
Cait Sith: WHO THE HELL HIRES THIS F**KIN' QUEER WITH THAT DAMN ANNOYING
VOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Rips that guy to shreds) .....Uh..... I mean.... Hi,
folks!!!! Well, If your just a f**kin' loser droid who isn't worth a s**t,
there's a place where you can get help!!!!!! Just call...... "CAIT SITH'S SCHOOL
OF HOW TO BE A REAL ROBOT, DIPS**T!!!!!!!! (tm)" Here you will learn the finer
points of robotism!!! (We're making up new words, folks!!!!!!!) Just see one of
our happy customers!!!!!
R2-D2: Hello!!! Before I went to this f**kin' school, all I could do was beep
and whistle!!!! Then Cait showed me how to f**kin' talk!!!! Now I can f**kin'
talk with the rest of the f**kin' world!!!!!!
Chewbacca: Roooooooooowwwwwwrrrrrr!!!!!!! URRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
R2-D2: Except for that @$$hole, of course!!!! (Turns around to Chewbacca)
Cait Sith: And you wondered why it was all beeped!!!! Well, you'll learn many
important things, like....... Loafing, Eating 101, Dr. Pepper Consumption,
Fighting (With Cloud Strife), Mooching, Alternative Power Sources (Batteries not
included), How To Ignore Programing, and Buisness Management (Special course for
humans, RUFUS!!!!!!!!!!!!) So, call now, at 1-800-YOU-SUCK!!!!!!! Because if you
have to call, you do!!!!!! So, if you don't get help at "CAIT SITH'S SCHOOL OF
HOW TO BE A REAL ROBOT, DIPS**T!!!!! (tm)", you can f**k off!!!!!!!!!
(Commercials are done)
Johnny: Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch!!!!
Nick: We've had 4 great fights!!!!!!
Johnny: And here comes another one!!!! In the red corner, that gorgeous girl
from Nibelheim...... Tifa Lockhart!!!!!! And in the blue corner, ...uh.... just
some school girl?!?! Where's Sailor Moon?!?!
Serena: MOON PRISM POWER!!!!!!!!! (Goes through a two hour transformation
process, coming out looking exactly the same, except for the outfit)
Tifa: 'Bout time you showed up, bitch!!!!!!!!
Mills: Already, come 'ere!!! I want a tough, clean fight!!! I want to see you
both naked!!!! Let's get it on!!!!!!
Sailor Moon: I'm Sailor Moon, Champion Of Justice!!!! I'll right wrongs and
triumph over evil, and that means you!!!!! (Get's decked in the face)
Tifa: Shut up and fight!!!!!
Sailor Moon: But,.... I didn't finish my catch phrase......
Luna:(That talking black cat) Shut up and fight, Sailor Moon!!!!!!!!
Tifa: Listen to the cat, blondie!!!!!! (Kicks her in the face)
Sailor Moon: That hurt.... I don't wanna do this anymore!!!!!!
Tifa: Gimp!!!!! (Suddenly, a rose falls from the sky) What the?!?!?!
Sailor Moon: Tuxedo Mask?!?!
Tuxedo Mask: That one's for you, cutie!!! (Wink, wink, wink)
Sailor Moon: Darien!!!! How dare you?!?!? I thought you loved me?!?!?!
Cloud:(Makes a mental note of who to kill)
Tifa: Thanks..... but no thanks!!! (Crushes the rose under her shoe)
Sailor Moon:(Gets up) On behalf of the moon, I'll punish you!!!!!!
Tifa: Shut up, HO!!!!!!!! (Bitch slaps her)
Sailor Moon: Uh!!! Help me!!!!!
Sailor Mars: Yeah, right!
Sailor Jupiter: This is your fight!!!!
Sailor Mercury: I've got a test to study for.
Sailor Venus: YOU do something for a change!!!
Sailor Moon: That's it!!!! Prepare to be moon dusted!!!! (Pulls out her Moon
Scepter. The stock animation starts up) ........ MOON........ SCEPTER.......
Tifa: DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Runs in, grabs the scepter and breaks it over Sailor
Sailor Moon: My scepter......
Tifa: NOW SAY GOOD-BYE TO YOUR HEAD!!!!!!!!!! (Does her entire Limit Break
Combo. After Final Heaven, Sailor Moon doesn't exist anymore)
Sailor Mars: Who's gonna be the leader now?!?! (They start to rumble over the
position of leader)
Nick: What a great fight!!!!!
Johnny: It's obvious who's the most useless character on Sailor Moon, the title
Nick: ... This just in!!! Cait Sith has found a Teletubie!!!! Let's go check it
(Meanwhile, Cait Sith has found the Red Teletubie)
Cait Sith: Oh, hello there!!!!! Come here!!! I'm not gonna hurt ya!!!!
Red Teletubie: Uh oh!!!!!
Cait Sith: "UH OH" is right!!!! (Rips it's head clean off the chops the rest up
into tiny peices. Sells them as sovineers of the momentus occasion. Clips it's
head to the belt the Moogle decided to wear) I'm gonna make it into a drinking
glass when I get the entire set!!!!!!
(Back in the booth)
Nick: That was nice!
Johnny: Yeah!! I can't wait to see what he'll cook up for the other three!!!!
Nick: Yeah, but the next fight is just about to get started. Let's go down to
Johnny: In the red corner, that retarted fool that doesn't deserve my
name........ Johnny!!!!!!! And in the blue corner, that crappy Cloud
Mills: Alright, dips**ts!!!!! Get your sorry @$$es over here!!!!! I want you
both to kick eachothers @$$es!!!! I hope you both die and forever rot in
hell!!!! I want this fight to be gory and disturbing!!!! Let's get it on!!!!!!
Johnny: Watch your @$$, @$$hole!!!!!
Zack: I'll kick YOUR @$$!!!!!
Johnny: Oh, yeah, right!!!! Your @$$ is grass!!!!!
Zack: What does that mean?
Johnny: I don't know?
Mills: Shut up and fight, you peices of sorry s**t!!!!!!!
Zack: You can't beat me!!!! I was in soldier, you know!!!!!!
Johnny: Big f**kin' deal!!!! Cloud wasn't and look how far he's gotten!!!!
Zack: Leave him outta this!!!!!
Cloud:(In audience) Yeah!!!! Leave me outta this, dips**ts!!!!!
Johnny:(Accually has a thought, folks!!!! Give him a hand) Wha....... why are we
Zack:(Stops to think and forgets to start again)
Johnny: We are not enemies, we shouldn't fight!!!
Zack:(Still trying to think, it's a slow process for him)
Mills: Hey, morrons!!!! This is Celebrity Deathmatch!!!!! You're supposed to
kill each other!!!!! Fight, dammit!!!!!!
Zack:(Comes out of his thinking comma) Ah!!!!! You're right!!!! We don't have to
Johnny: We could even be friends!!!!!
Zack: We could take Tifa and Aeris out for a double date!!!!
Cloud:(Jumps in the ring) No you won't, @$$HOLE!!!!!!!! (Starts to attack Zack)
Mills: You two are begining to piss me off!!!!! (Attacks Johnny)
Cloud:(Chops his legs and arms off) How you're more defenseless than
before!!!!!! (Uses his right arm to beat him to death)
Mills:(Rips Johnny's head off and shoves it up his @$$)
Cloud:(Gives Mills a big high five)
Mills: And the winner of this fight is.... me and Cloud!!!!!
(Back in the announcers booth)
Nick: What a great ending to a crappy fight!!!!
Johnny: You got it, Nick!!!! That's the kind of slaughter you've come to expect
on Celebrity Deathmatch!!!!
Nick: Well, as the clean up crew cleans up the little mess in the ring, let's go
to Stacy Cornbread!!!
(Down in the locker room)
Stacy: Thanks, guys!!!! I'm down in the locker room with Link, from "The Legend of Zelda"!!!!
Link: Hi, Stacy.
Stacy: So, Link, who exactly is this Zelda person we never get to see?
Link: I've got no idea, Stacy.
Stacy: So you've never seen her?
Stacy: So why are you always saving her?
Link: So my games series can keep going.
Stacy: If you ask me, that's pretty gay.
(Suddenly a fat, ugly woman runs into the locker room)
Woman?: Link, honey!!! It's me!!!!
Link: Who the hell are you?
Zelda: It's me, Zelda!!!!
Zelda: Come on, honey, let's get you ready for your fight!!!!
Link:(Thinking to himself) I was better off with the horse!!
Stacy: Okay...uh.... back to you, Nick and Johnny!!!!
(Back in the announcer's booth)
Nick: Ewwwwww, did you see that.......
Johnny: Thanks, Stacy!!!!!
Nick: On to the next battle!!!
(In the ring)
Johnny: In the red corner.... Link's horse, Epona!!!!!!!
Johnny: And in the blue corner.... Cloud's Chocobo!!!!!
Mills: Okay, animals!!!! I want a tough, clean fight!!!! The Humane Society is
sure gonna get pissed off at this!!! Let get it on!!!!!
Fishstick: WARK!!!!! (Does Choco Meteor)
Epona:(Runs out of the arena on fire, like the flamming horse in Parasite Eve)
(Back in the announcers booth)
Nick: That's it?!?!?!
Johnny: Yet more proof that Final Fantasy is better than Legend of Zelda!!!!!!
Nick: And now we have to go to a commerical!!!!
Announcer: Coming soon for N64, a new twist on Star Wars... Celebrity Rogue Squadron!
George Lucas: WHAT!!!
Announcer: You can choose your own special pilot and ship from other things. Never have to use Luke again!
Luke: I resent that!
Announcer: Pilots include Lara Croft, Mario and Luigi, the Star Fox team, and more! Ships come from anything but Star Wars, the Arwing, the lame-@$$ gyrocopter from Pilotwings 64, all of the Final Fantasy airships, and even a flying Titanic! Here's a demo.
Cartman (Piloting the Highwind): Watch your back boys those @$^$^ are right behind you!
Kyle (In the USS Enterprise): What the hell are these things!?
Lara Croft (In the gyrocopter): Eat this you $&@#%*!#%(@%(#@$^(#%*#%&(#%^*^$*#^*#%^$%&%#$&@%^*(%^%*(***^*%%&)&*)#*!$!#%*&($^*(@%(@$^*!#%&)*)*(^*$^)$%&)(^%+($_$&!#!#^(&)^*@)$^(^^)(#%&)#&@%$^(#$&($^(^)^&^*)&*)*)#*$*%^&@^@#%&*$&*@$^*%^!!!
Cloud (In an Arwing): Damn, Lara pulled a Cid.
Kenny (In the Titanic): MMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stan (In Air Force One): Oh my god they killed Kenny!
Cid (In a flying '69 buick with liscense plate KOELSCH (Dyne's note: Hint hint, code for Rogue Squadron)): You little bastards had better get offa my ship!
Announcer: Buy Celebrity Rogue Squadron at a store near you!
Nick: Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch!!!!
Johnny: The next fight is kinda unusual!!!
Nick: It's a lovers duel between FFVII least favorite couple!!!!
(In the ring)
Johnny: In the red corner.... Vincent Valentine!!!!! And in the blue corner....
Vincent: YOU THIEVING WHORE!!!!!!!
Yuffie: YOU DARK PEICE OF S**T!!!!!!!!!
Mills: Okay, get over here!!!! Vincent..... you could do much better then that
b***h!!!!! Let's get it on!!!!!
Yuffie: I'm gonna kick your gothic @$$!!!!!!
Vincent: YOU DIRTY HOE-BAG!!!!!!! This is all your fault!!!!!!
Yuffie: MY fault?!?!?! You started it!!!!!
Vincent: You're the one that made me dress up as Tinkerbell!!!!!!!!
Yuffie: You poked me in the side with your claw when you tried to f**k me!!!!!!!
Audience:(Starts to wretch)
Vincennt: You always steal from me!!!!!!
Yuffie: You peed all over our toilet seat last week!!!!!!
Vincent: You're the one that put that fuzzy top thingy on it!!! It delays the
time till I know it's down in the dark!!!! I have to wait until there's enough
to splash on my leg!!!!! I'll piss on anything, but not my own leg!!!!!
Yuffie: You're ALWAYS reading those damn MAGAZINES!!!!!! I'm sorry I'm not a
BAYWATCH BIMBO!!!!!!!! You're no prize, either!!!! YOU HAVE A CLAW FOR A
Vincent: I'm sorry if I poke you during sex.....
Audience:(Pukes some more)
Vincent: .. but it's not my fault!!!!!! IT'S ALL HOJO'S FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yuffie: And another thing!!! You ALWAYS b***h about wearing a condom!!!!! I
don't want to get pregnant!!!!!!!!
Vincent: You're right!!!!!! It might turn out to look like you!!!!!!!!! ..... Or
Audience:(Looks at Godo then pukes some more)
Yuffie: You never liked my dad.... wait a sec. I never liked my dad!!
Vincent: Your cooking sucks!!!!!
Yuffie: Speaking of cooking.... your tarts are horrible!!!!!!
(Suddenly, the audience goes silent)
Vincent: NOBODY INSULTS MY TARTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Transforms in
Chaos) MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Rips Yuffie
apart with his claws)
Godo:(Jumps into the ring) WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY DAUGHTER?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Vincent:(Slices Godo's head off and returns to his former self) WHAT HAVE I
DONE?!?!?! (Uses an "INSTANT PLOT DEVICE" on Yuffie's remains)
Yuffie: You.... you brought me back?
Vincent: Yuffie.... I still love you..... I didn't mean anything I said......
Yuffie:(Starts to cry) Vinnie-pooh....... I love you too!!!! Let's never fight
(They embrace and start to kiss)
Audience:(Puke a helluva lot more)
Mills: DAMMIT!!!!! No kissing in a Deathmatch ring!!!!!! (Kicks both their @$$es
out of the ring)
(Back in the announcers booth)
Nick:(Puking all over)
Johnny: Clean up crew!!!!! (Pukes)
Nick: That was disgusting!!!!
Johnny: Let's hope... the next fight is disgusting in a different way.
(Down in the ring)
Johnny: In the red corner, the ever-pathetic, washed up, peice of s**t, bastard
@$$, monkey-sucking, dips**t........ Ryu!!!!!!! And in the blue corner, a
warrior that has accually earned his fame..... Wolverine!!!!!!
Cloud's Note: In this fight, Wolverine has his adamantium claws, not the bone
Ryu:(In a poorly dubbed voice) You no beat me, american!!!!
Wolverine: Oh really, bub!!!! (Pulls out a cigar and lights it)
Ryu: HADOKEN!!!!! (Shoots his signature, lame-@$$ fireball)
Wolverine:(Dripping with sarcasm) Ow, my hair. (Takes a drag. Charges Ryu and
starts to Berserker Barrage him)
Ryu:(Getting ripped up trying to block) Owww!!!!! How come I no can blocka da
claws with my bare hands, like in game?!?!?!
Wolverine:(Burns Ryu with his cigar)
Ryu: Owwwwwie!!!!!! Why for you do that?!?! Burns hurt me!!!! I no feel
pain!!!!! Me big wuss!!!!! I peice of s**t!!!!! (Says random Japanesse words)
Wolverine:(Uses his claws to slice Ryu's head into... uh.... well.... slices)
Mills: And the winner is.... Wolverine!!!!!
(Back in the announcers booth)
Nick: That's how it should be!!!!!
Johnny: You have a firm grasp of the obvious, my friend!!!!!
Johnny: Good stuff..... wait, this just in!!! Cait Sith just caught another
Teletubie!!!! Let's go check it out!!!!
(Down in lower reatches of the arena)
Cait Sith: There you are!!!!
Yellow Teletubie: Bye bye!!!!
Cait Sith: You can't run, you're cornered!!!
Yellow Teletubie: Uh oh!!!!!!
Cait Sith: Has anyone ever told you that you have a dildo on your head? (Bends
it's kneecaps the wrong way, rips off it's arms, shoves them down it's throat,
and then pulls off it's head. Clips the head to the belt, next to the Red
Teletubie's head) Half way there!!!!!
(Back to the announcers booth)
Nick: That was morbid and disgusting...... I LIKED IT!!!!!!!!!
Johnny: Wait, late breaking Deathmatch news!!!!! You remember that old fight
between Oprah, Rosie, and Jerry?
Nick: What about it?
Johnny: The entire match that we televised was bulls**t!!!!!! We made a
mistake!!!! The carmera angle was off!!!! The fight ended like this:
Oprah and Rosie were trying to rip Jerry in half.
Jerry: What about my Final Thought!!!!
Rosie: You just had your final thought!!!!
Jerry: I don't think so!!!! (Pulls his legs together, knocking them off. Pulls
out his famous cue card) Hey, Rosie.
Rosie: Wh-wh-wh-what're you gonna do?
Jerry: Watch. (Throws his cue card, slicing her head clean off. He then pulls
out a dozen Donuts) Hey!!! Oprah!! Look what I've got!!!!!
Oprah: Donuts won't effect me, Springer!!!!
Jerry: You know you want them!!! Look, they've got sprinkles!!!!
Oprah: .... Sprinkles....
Jerry: Yes.... you know you want then!!!
Oprah:(Charges for the Donuts)
Jerry:(Pulls the Donuts out of the way just in time for Oprah to run into the
Dome Of Devastation, Chopping her up into little cubes. He then pulls out
another cue card) Now for my Final Thought. Violence is not the best way to
solve a problem. Sometimes, though, violence is a necessary evil. And when
you're dealing with two fat b***ches like that, It's totally necessary!!!! So,
until next time, take care of yourself, and each other!!!
Johnny: .... and that's how it happened. We appoligize for any trouble,
inconvenience, and anger that latter version may have caused. Sorry.
Nick: WOW!!!! That's a lot better than what we showed!! How could we have made
such an error?!?!
Johnny: I don't know.
Nick: Anyway, it's time for the next fight!
Johnny: That's right!! This should be an absolute grudge match!
Nick: Ever since Reno was hailed the new leader of the Turks after Tseng's
dismemberment, Tseng's disembodied soul has been begging for revenge!
Johnny: That's right, Nick, and now that Elena has brought Tseng back with an
Instant Plot Device (just add water) they'll finally be able to face off!
Nick: In the blue corner, the former leader of the Turks, Tseng! And in the red
corner, the new leader of the Turks, Reno! Let's take it down to Mills in the
Mills: Alright you two jaded Shinra fools! I want a tough, dirty fight. but
knowing the two of you, you'll probably run away after the first five minutes!
LET'S GET IT ON!!!
Tseng: (advances from corner) You stole my job, Reno, now prepare to die!!
Reno: Where's your weapon!? What IS your weapon anyway?
Elena: (sitting in audience, shudders.....)
Tseng: I don't need it to take care of a red-headed little turd like you!
Reno: Oh really? (steps forward, ignites nightstick, and shocks the s**t out of
Tseng until smoke comes from his eyes, he keels over, and burns to death
internally. Reno pulls out a can of Dr. Pepper to celebrate. Looking into the
empty can afterwards, he exclaims..) HEY! Where the hell is flick!? I must have
drunken a million of the f**king things, and there's no f**king flick!
Cloud: (stands up in audience) Yeah, no s**t! It's all an evil plot that
could only be the doing of..........
Sephiroth: Wait! Wait, I swear I don't know anything about this! I'm innocent,
Cloud: You? Innocent? Yeah, and I cross dress on a regular basis!
Don Corneo: (stands up in crowd) Hey, actually HHHMMPH! (he is silenced as Tifa
and Aeris muffle his cries and beat him senseless with large, blunt objects.)
Sephiroth: Please!! It wasn't my idea! It was all Yuffie's fault!
Yuffie: Hehehe.... (notices that Cloud and Reno are looking EXTREMELY pissed)
Cloud: KILL THE MATERIA THEIVING WHORE!!!!!!!
Everyone: (rushes Yuffie and ripps her to little pieces that are scattered about
the world in such a way that they will never be united again. Unless, of
course, she was some kind of Jenova freak.........)
Johnny: YES!!! A quick fight, but the mob was GREAT!!!
Nick: Yeah, there aren't enough mobs on this show lately!! Maybe we should kill
those Hanson bastards again!
Johnny: Well, getting back to the show.
(In the ring)
Mills: In the red corner, the only guy that can carpool solo, Dude Love!
Dude Love: It's me, Dude Love!
Audience: Dude Love lives!
Mills: In the blue corner, the king of Rack and Roll, Elvis Presley!
Elvis: Thank you, thank you very much!
Audience: Elvis is alive! Elvis is alive!
Elvis: (Punches Dude)
Dude Love: Ow! Have mercy! (Suplexes Elvis)
Elvis: (Gets up and starts singing) You ain't nothin' but a hound dog!
Audience: (Goes crazy)
Dude Love: Ah! Shit! His singings worse than Celine Dion's! You're killin' me man!
Elvis: (Keeps singing)
Dude Love: That's it! (Grabs Elvis' guitar and hits him over the head with it)
Dude Love: Ouch that hurt! (Dies)
Mills: The winner is the KING!
Elvis: Thank you, thank you very much!
Jerry Lawler (Runs in): Hey I'm the King!
Elvis: (Punches that @$$hole Lawler)
Lawler (crying): I'm sorry. (Runs away)
Johnny: I guess Elvis'll have to start his career again.
Barret (Runs in): Sheet foo'! You call that singin'?
Barret: (Starts singing)
Elvis: Shit he found my weakness! (Dies)
Barret: (Stops singing)
(In the announcers' booth)
Nick: That takes care of that.
Johnny: We're ready for the next fight..... but
Nick: A commercial!
Johnny: After this break, we'll see Homer Simpson Vs. Palmer.
Nick: Don't touch that dial..... or should I say, button!
Annoying Voice: Have you ever wondered....
Cait Sith: SHUT THE F**K UP!!!!!! (Moogle slams his fists into the @$$hole's
head, causing it to be jammed between his shoulder blades) Sorry 'bout that!! Itto be done!! (Suddenly a phone rings)
Voice on phone: Hello, Cait?
Cait Sith: Why hello, Aeris!
Aeris: Wow! You really are psychic! Either that or you have caller I.D.!! Do
Cait Sith: Oh course not! (Makes a thumbs up to the camera)
Aeris: Cait, I have a problem.
Cait Sith: Which is why you called!
Aeris: Thank you, Captain Obvious!
Cait Sith: You're welcome, Professor Redundant!
Aeris: I want to get with Cloud, but the B***H Tifa keeps getting in my way!!!!
Cait Sith: Yes...... (Other phone rings) IT'S TIFA!!!!
Tifa: Damn, right!!! And who you calling a b***h, SLUT!!!!!!
Aeris: Oh yeah!!! You should talk, with those fake rubber tits of yours!!!!
Tifa: SHUT UP, WHORE!!!!!! These are all natural! You're the one who needs
Aeris: I have breasts, I just don't flaunt them around like a prostitute!!!!
Tifa: Leave me alone!!! And for that matter, leave Cloud alone, too!!!!!
Aeris: Don't you get it, b***h?!?! You blew your shot!!! You've known hime since
you were FIVE, and the only time you show interest in him is when I'm with
Tifa: THAT'S NOT TRUE!!!!!! Cloud and I are meant for each other!!!
Aeris: B.S!!!!! Cait predicted that WE were meant to be, right, Cait?!
Cait Sith: LEAVE ME OUTTA THIS!!!!!!
Cloud:(Calls in on the speaker phone) Would you two STOP this?!?!
Cait Sith: Hi, CLOUD!!!!!
Cloud: They already know it's me, DIPS**T!!!!! My name showed up when I first
talked!!! Look at my first line!!! "Cloud: Would you two STOP this?!?!"
Cait Sith:(Looking over his copy of Celebrity Deathmatch III) Oh yeah!!!! Should
I go kill a teletubie or something?!?!
Tifa: Getting back to what MATTERS!!!!
Aeris: Which one of us do you like BETTER?!?!
Cloud: I'm tired of having to choose. I was talking to this guy in South Park
and I learned something....
Cait Sith:(Turns on the music)
Cloud: You... and me... and you! SIMULTANIOUS!!!! You... and me... and her!!
SIMULTANIOUS LOVIN' BABY!!!!! Two or three!!!!
Cait Sith:(Trying to speak over Cloud's singing) So, Call Cait Sith's Psychic
hotline at.... SHUT UP BACK THERE!!!!!!!!! 1-800-555-SITH!!!!! Operators...
that's me..... are standing by!! CALL TODAY!!!!! WOULD YOU SHUT UP!!!!! I'M
TRYING TO MAKE MONEY HERE!!!!!!!
Annoying voice: That's 1-800-555-......
Cait Sith:(Extremely pissed) WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM!!!!! I THOUGHT YOU
Annoying voice: I was resurected by..... AN "INSTANT PLOT DEVICE"!!!!!! (Just
add water) And if you want to order an "INSTANT PLOT DEVICE", call.....
Cait Sith: DIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Pulls out
Musashi's Lumina and slices the @$$hole into five peices) And if ANYONE brings
this guy back, I'll hunt you down like an animal... or a TELETUBIE!!!!!!!!
Musashi: How did you get my sword?
Cait Sith: Shuddap you little turd! (Hands him the sword) So please, call
1-800-555-SITH!! And call 1-800-555-PLOT for a wonderful instant plot device!!!!
Sephiroth:(Busts in) And call KRAP at 1-800-BULLS**T!!!!!
Musashi:(Uses Fusion to assimilate "@$$hole". Push circle button to turn into a
complete @$$hole!! Powers include: Stabbing innocent girls in the back while
they're praying, messing with a guys mind until he has no idea who he is
anymore, and slaughtering innocent women and children. Uses 0 BP) Wow!!! I'll
use this power on Tim!!!! WHO SAVED THE DOG?!?!?! (Runs off)
Johnny: Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch!!!
Nick: It looks like the next fight is ready to begin!!!!
Johnny: Let's get down to the ring!!! In the red corner, the fat-@$$, worthless
sack of lard..... PALMER!!!!
Palmer: Hey-hey!! (Farts)
Johnny: And in the blue corner, he's been called the brick-hit house, and also
the southern dandy....... Homer Simpson!!!!!
Homer:(in a squeaky voice) Hello..... D'OH!!!!!!! (Runs into the turnbuckle)
Mills: Alrighty, let's get this party started!!!! Get over here!!!
Apu: For no good reason, here's Apu!!!!!
Mills: I want a tough, clean, and fat-filled fight!!!! LET'S GET IT ON!!!!!!
Palmer: GIVE ME A DOUGHNUT!!!!! DON'T FORGET THE LARD!!!!!!
Homer:(Get's into ring, pants fall down) D'OH!!!
Flanders: Homie! I can see you doodle!
Homer: Shut up, Flanders! (Pulls his pants back up)
Palmer:(Pulls out a can of Crisco) YUMMY, YUMMY, LARD!!!!! (Starts to eat it
with a spork)
Homer: Braaaaa!!! (Charges Palmer)
Palmer: La la la! (Charges Homer)
(By the time they reach each other both are too tired to fight and collapse.)
Homer: (Breathing extremely heavily) Uh... uh... d'oh!
Palmer: I've... had... enough... Let's... get... some... donuts.
(They get up and move slooooooooooooooowly to Palmer's donut tray and start eating.)
Nick: What the hell is this!
Johnny: Wait I've got an idea. The contestants will fight in a donut-eating contest! First person to either have a heart-attack and/or explode loses!
Homer/Palmer: Wohoo!!! (Put on bibs and start inhaling donuts)
(Three hours later...)
Johnny: Looks like they're finally slowing down.
Nick: 'Bout time I'm starting to fall asleep.
Palmer (Now 798 lbs.): I... can't... go... on... Oh maybe one more.
Homer: (Now 1063 lbs.): (Still going strong)
Audience: (Pukes all over Red XIII)
Red XIII: Ay ay ay, no me gusta!
Mills: Homer wins!
Homer: Wohoo!!! Uh oh, I need a drink.
Moe: Here ya go Homer. (Pulls out a keg of beer)
Homer: All right! (Starts chugging)
(Five Minutes later...)
Homer: Uh oh...
Nick: Look out! He's gonna burp!
Everyone: (Runs screaming out of the stadium)
Homer: (Burps so loudly the whole stadium collapses and crushes him)
Johnny: Well, that's a spear up the @$$!
Nick: You're forgetting something. (Uses an instant plot device and the stadium puts itself back together.)
Audience: (Comes back in.)
Nick: On to the next fight Johnny!
Jonnhy: That's right! Standing in the red corner, the singing chef from South
Chef: (takes off a gold robe) All right, children! This is it!
Kyle: Be careful Chef.
Stan: Yeah, win for South Park.
Chef: (looks at Cartman) Any words of advise, children?
Cartman: I want Cheesy Poofs!
Mrs. Crabtree: Hey! Shut up out there! AHHH!!
Stan: Yeah whatever you f**king hoebag...
Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Stan: Uh...I said whatever you f**king hoebag!
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh.... well ok then....
Johnny: Standing in the blue corner is the person who is responsible for Mr. T's
death, Barret Wallace!
Barret: (jumps into the ring) Hey sucka'! You be going down foo'!
Chef: I'll be whoopin' your ass and making sweet love to your daughter before
you could lay a hand on me!
Barret: WHAT!?!?! How dare you say dat' about Marlene!
Chef: She's a fifteen year old slut and I screwed her!
Barret: Marlene's four you muther f**kin' pimp!
Kyle: 4!?!?! They have sluts that old?
Stan: Yeah probably.
Mills: Okay now! I want a good, clean massacre! Let's do it!
Chef: Okay children! Before I go out and fight, I want to leave you with a few
words in case I may go to the great beyond.
Stan: Don't say that Chef.
Kyle: Yeah, you're gonna win!
Cartman: I don't want you to die Chef! If you do, who'll make Salsberry Steak
Chef: It's okay children. (starts singing) When a man loves a woman, and a woman
loves a man...
Barret: (smashes a chair over Chef's head) Shuddap and fight! I can also sing
better 'den 'dat foo'!!
Chef: Oh yeah prove it then!
Cloud: F**K!! Close your ears!
Everyone: (closes their ears)
Barret: (starts singing the Men in Black song) The good guys dress in black
Chef: AHHHH!!! What horrible singing! AHHHHHHH!! (head explodes from the
Stan: No more advise when we need it...
Cartman: No more Salsberry Steak....
Nick: And the winner is...BARRET WALLACE!!!
FF7 Crowd: YEAH!!
(In the announcers' booth)
Nick: Second time today Barret's singing has killed.
Johnny: I think the FF7 crew's about ready to get a court order that'll restrain him from doing it.
Nick: Do we care?
Johnny: Screw it then. Time for another match!
(In the ring)
Mills: In the red corner. Bob, the son of Sephiroth!
Bob (Reading a porno mag): (Laughs manaically)
Sephiroth: That's my boy, chip off the old block.
FF7 characters: BOO!!! (Throw fruit at Bob and Seph)
Mills: And in the blue corner, Kefka!
Kefka: (Laughs manaically)
FF6 characters: BOO! (Throw fruit at Kefka)
Mills: Okay you sick, twisted sons of @#$^#$, don't destroy the world during this match. Fight!
Kefka: (Casts Merton)
Bob: Stupid @#%#, that #%^@# sucks! (Summons Super Nova Jr.)
Reader (yes you at the keyboard): Super Nova Jr.?
Sephiroth: That's what it says!
Bob: Kefka, wait!
Kefka: "Wait" he says. Do I look like a waiter? (Runs)
Sabin (In audience): That lowlife stole my line!
Locke: Get Kefka!
(The FF6 characters run after Kefka)
Bob: Hey! He's mine! (Casts Ultima)
Celes: You S.O.B.!
Cloud: Let's show 'em how it's done...
Tifa: Aeris!?! (Makes a mental note to hurt Aeris later)
Dav: I wanta piece of him!
(Cloud, Aeris, and Dav jump into the ring!)
Aeris: Ultimate End!
(Cloud and Dav's double Limit plus the Knights kill, Sephiroth, Kefka, and the FF6 characters while Bob is launched REALLY high above the surface)
Cloud/Dav: (High five)
Crono: Hey! I thought only my game's charaters could do double techs!
Marle: Relax Crono, you need to relax, let's leave for now. (Notice the sexual innuendo)
Crono/Marle: (Go and "relax")
Mills: The coolest people on the planet are Cloud Strife, Aeris Gainsborough, and Dav Cole!
Nick: Hell yeah!
Johnny: That just gave Alundra and all of Cloud's contestants a peek at what's waiting for 'em.
Nick/Johnny: (Laugh manaically)
Johnny: It's now time for the long awaited Pokemon Exclusive: Ash Catchem vs. Gary Oak!
Nick: Yes and judging from the the two fighters, this is going to be one gay match.
Johnny: In the blue corner: The gay Pikachu molester, Ash Catchem!
Ash: **Flips hat around** I am not gay!
Nick: In the red corner: The big fag, Gary Oak!
Gary: I am going to kick your @$$ Ash!
(In the ring)
Mills: Ok, I want a nice, clean, bloody, fight! I want you two to rip eachother apart, so I don't have to! The sight of you gaylords makes me sick! Let's get it on!
Ash: You're a gay b@$^@*d Gary!
Gary: No, you're a gay b@$^@*d Ash!
Cid(in audience): You're both gay b@$^@*ds!
Ash & Gary: Shut up! (Both moon Cid)
Cid: Ahhhhhhhh! My eyes! I'm f#%^!(g blind! (Pukes on Red XIII)
Red: Not again! (Mauls Cid)
Ash: Ok! Go Pikachu! (Nothing happens) Huh? Pikachu? Where are you?
Pikachu(In audience with lots of girls): Pi-ka-chu!
Ash: Pikachu, what are you doing? I thought you only loved me.....I mean, get in here and fight!
Pikachu: PIIIIIKKKAAAAACCCHHHUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!(Electrocutes Ash)
Ash(Is really crispy): Ouch....damn. (Dies)
Gary: Yes! I won! @$$ Ketchup was killed by his own Pikachu! Mwehehehehehehehe!
Cid: F*(k you d!(khead! You mooned me! Die! (Shoves spear up Gary's @$$)
Gary: Wow, that feels good. I mean, my @$$! My F*&$*#g @$$!
Barret: Hahahaha! How do you like it?
Gary: Shut up you f@#$%$g monkey!
Cid: Hey, that's my line you @#@###$#%*&^%$#`&(())(*^$#@@#%&*(*()))(*^%$@!!!@$%&*~))#++@&&$*@&$&U#&$&*($&*#*$*#&@*$#($&*&*(@&@&$(&*@!&)($(@&*)#&$&@*#&)%$&)(&$)%&&*)$&)%&)(&@)$%&)#&@&$($&*@&)%&)#&)%&)@&%)&^&)Q&$(%&(&%($(@&%(#(@*(%*(#*(*%^&()&*)$&*)&*)&@#*%&$*@&*)*%(&&(#&()^%*#(&*(~#$&%&)!$()$*@&*#*(+@&*$*&*(&$*)%**&*@&%&$)&@&%*#&*@!)&%)&$@*)&)%&$)@+$&%*&@#*!@&$)*#&*)#&$)*&)*@&)$*)&!)@#&$)(^&)$&!@))&^)&&)%&%)$&@)&)%*)(&()@()%)(@&)$&%%&)&)@&)*$&*`#&@*@&*&*$)#&@*@&*)$&*)&$$$$&@(&$&@()&$(()@&(@&($&$#()&%)&(@#&(!&(#$&$%$&()@&@(&$(&(@&($(&!@#$&()@&()$&()#&$()&@()$&()&$()()$&(&$(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cloud: Whoa, Cid pulled a Cid!
Cait Sith: Ironic, isn't it?
Cloud: That wasn't your line.
Cait Sith: It wasn't?
Cloud: Nope, your line was "No s*#t Sherlock".
Cait Sith: Oh, ok then. No s#$t Sherlock!
Cloud: That's better.
Barret: Gary, you gay piece of s#$t, you can't call me a monkey! (Shoots Gary)
Gary: Damn, no more men. I mean, I'll be back! (Dies)
Mills:And the winners are Pikachu, Cid, and Barret!
Cid & Barret: Damn straight!
Pikachu: Pika! Pika!
Johnny: That was really f#$$*!g messed up!
Nick: Got that right! Now, on to the next match!
(In the ring)
Mills: In the red corner, Alundra!
Alundra: (Just stands there)
Mills: And in the blue corner, Dyne's @$$ kicking fanfictional character, Dav Cole!
Prettz (In audience): BOO!!!
Dav: (Walks over and knocks Prettz unconcsious)
Alundra: (Casts his Level 2 fire spell) Damn!
Dav: What's the matter? (Dripping with sarcasm)
Alundra: This sucks! I only have 3 MP!
Dav: Ah poor baby. (Casts fire 3)
Alundra: AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! (Rolls around on the ground trying to extinguish the flames)
Dav: (Waits there) Come on! This guy's too easy! Where's the real challenger?!
Alundra: (Gets up, equips Fire Wand, and attacks)
Dav: (Dodges and yawns)
Alundra: (Changes his weapon to the Steel Flail) Eat this! (Attacks)
Dav: (Grabs the chain and uses the leverage to throw Alundra against the wall)
Alundra: (Gets up and reaches for the Legendary Sword) Hey! Where's my sword!
Dav: (Holding Alundra's sword in one hand, the Atma Weapon in the other) Looking for this?
Dav: (Cuts Alundra into four pieces.) Damn man, that was too easy! Where's the challenge?
Prettz: Here's one for ya!
Fluffy (A dirty thieving f**king b***h who has less brains than a parameceum and is a bloody whore even morso than Yuffie (Dyne: Obviously my sister)): (Jumps into the ring and causes an earthquake)
Dav: Holy shit! Somebody fatter than Palmer!
Fluffy: (Grunts since her mouth is full of food)
Dav: Eat this b***h! (Punches her in the stomach) Ah! F**k! It's sucking me in!
Fluffy: (Laughs manaically)
Bob: (Lands on Fluffy and knocks Dav away)
Dav: Wow, I owe him one, even though I've already killed him.
Bob: (Gets up and dusts himself off) Not quite. (Jumps into the audience.)
Fluffy: (Explodes in a huge mess of lard)
Audience: (Pukes all over the corpse)
Dav (Covered with lard): I'll be back after I shower. (Walks out)
Mills (Wearing rain gear): Dav Cole wins!
Josh and Steve (FF7 and Dav haters): MURDERER!!!
Audience: (Beats them to death with several chairs)
Dyne: Sorry guys it's just that that's what happens when you taunt a merciless author. (Laughs manaically)
Johnny: Well that was a great match! Time for a commercial!
Announcer: Are you sick and tired of those cheap hair tonics?
Rude: Hell yeah!
Announcer: Well then. Presenting... "Strife Tonic." Get a hairdo just like Cloud's in only two f**king weeks.
Cloud: What! Cait did you do this?!
Cait Sith: (Counting gil) Um... maybe.
Announcer: No s**tty by-products, only wierd hair! Call 1-800-555-HAIR today, each can of tonic is only 500 gil. Order now and get an INSTANT PLOT DEVICE (Cloud/Cait/Dyne: Just add water!) free! Order now, that's 1-800-555-HAIR!
Nick: That sucked @$$! Let's see some more death!
Johnny: Well here's the next bout! Cloud and Aeris vs Reotardo DiCrapio
and Kate Winslut!
Nick: Yeah! Cloud and Aeris are gonna' kick their @$$es!
Johnny: Yeah! Brother!
(In the ring)
Mills: Allright! I wan't a tough, fast fight! Let's get it on!
Cloud: (Just laughs at Leo)
Aeris: (Rips off Kate Winslut's dress, showing a hairy chest and
underwear) See Cloud! I told you she was a man!
Leo: (Looks at Kate and pukes on Red)
Red: WHY THE HELL DOES EVERYONE PUKE ON ME?!! (Mauls Leo and Kate until
there's nothing left)
Mills: And the best couple of all is Cloud and Aeris!
Cloud: HELL YEAH!!!! (Sticks his tounge down aeris throat)
Johnny: What a great but short match! On to the next fight, Nick!
Nick: That's right, Johnny! In the red corner, we have Sephiroth's ugly,
weakass mom, from Final Fantasy 7, Jenova!
FF7 Crowd: Booooooooo!! (throws crap at her)
Jenova: Hey, f**k you all! (casts Aqualung on the crowd, but nothing happens)
Johnny: Man, she IS a weak ass!
Nick: You said a mouthful that time Johnny.
Jenova: WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!?!?
Johnny: I said I'm wanna tweak a bass!
Jenova: Oh, ok.
Nick: That was pretty clever, Johnny. But, did you have to announce to the
whole ring that you want to tweak a bass?
Johnny: I only said that to shut her up.
Nick: Anyway, in the blue corner, it's that sperm stealing, opera loving b***h
we all know and hate, from Parasite Eve, Eve!!
PE Crowd: Booooooooooo!!
Aya: It'll be interesting to see if Eve can actually win a fight!
Nukem: (sees Aya) Hey baby, you have firearms, I have firearms too.
Eve: (floats in)
Bob: (Is back in the audience and waves to Eve) It's mommy!
Sephiroth's ghost: (waves to Jenova) Ah Boogy! Boogy! Hi mommy!
Lucrecia: I'm your real mom, d**kweed! (dumps Holy Water on his ghost)
Sephiroth's ghost: Ack! (dissappears)
Mills: All right! I want a nice, clean fight, and keep your clothes on for a
cryin out loud!
Jenova: I'm already naked, stupid!
Mills: Alright ladies, let's get it on!
Eve: Okay! (comes toward Mills and accidently ignites him)
Mills: AHHHHHHH! (rolling around the ring on fire)
Jenova: (decks Eve in the stomach while she's not looking) Take that,
Eve: Owww! You ugly b***h! You're going to pay! (starts to sing opera)
Crowd: AHHHHHH!! (all cover their ears)
Jenova: AHHH!! What horrible singing! (covers her ears)
Mills: (still on fire and bumps into Jenova)
Jenova: (gets ignitied by Mills) My ass is on fire! My ass is on fire! (casts
Aqualung and puts out the fire on Mills, but she's still on fire)
Eve: What ass?
Jenova: (burns up to a crispy wafer)
Johnny: And the winner is....EVE!!
Bob: Yeah mommy!
Crowd: (all gangs up on Bob and beats him with chairs and beer bottles)
Eve: I am victorious! Now I shall get my revenge on all who hate me! (the ring
shakes violently and the slime creature busts through the roof of the arena)
Slime Creature: (starts igniting people on fire)
Aya: Eat this, slime pussy! (pulls out her LAW80 Rocket Laucher and blows the
Slime Creature up to little slimy pieces)
Eve: (looks up as the goo falls on top of her) I never win!! It's not fair!
(melts into gooy crap)
Nukem: You're sexy when you use fire arms, baby!
Aya: (jabs him in the nuts with the rocket launcher) Save it for the fight, you
Johnny: Well, that certainly was an interesting fight wasn't it Nick?
Nick: Damn right it was, Johnny! Now, on to our next fight, we have President
Rufus Shinra vs. Bill Clinton!
(In the ring)
Mills: In the red corner, President of Shinra Inc., Rufus!
Rufus: (Lights a crack pipe)
Mills: And in the blue corner, President of the United States of America, Bill Clinton!
Clinton: I say this to the American people. I did not have sexual relations with Monica Lewinksky.
Audience: Yeah right you sicko!
Clinton: Okay so what if I did. And with Jenny and Paula.
Rufus: Shut up! (Shoots Cliton head off)
Mills: Rufus wins!
Heidegger: (ignites a bong) Good job Mr. President. Gya hah ha he heh ha ha ha! Gya hah ha heh heh ha ha gya ha!
Rufus: $#%@ Heidegger! I'm sick of thaty goddamn #%&@$%&!$^*(@(#^#%&(@^*$^(#^*@$&%@$(^(%$@^*% horse laugh! (Shoots Heidegger's head off)
Nick: Let's just hope Al Gore is a much more decent guy.
Johnny: Tell me about it, but Clinton would've won if he had sent Monica after Rufus.
Nick: Ah f**k it. Let's move on.
Johnny: Okay everyone! Onto the next fight!
Nick: In the red corner, the hottest babes of the video game world, Lara Croft
and Aya Brea!
(Lara and Aya enter the ring)
Tifa: Hey! I'm the hottest babe around!
Aeris: No way! I am!
Cloud: I know you are...
Aeris: Thank you Cloud! (kisses him on the cheek)
Tifa: WHY IS IT ALWAYS AERIS!?!?!?
Cid: 'Cause it is! Now shuddap and let me watch the fight in peace!
Lara: (pulls out her gun) We'll blow those perverts away huh?
Aya: Yeah, that Nukem person is a real d**kweed!
Johnny: In the blue corner, the most famous and perverted guys of the game and
movie world, Duke Nukem and James Bond 007!
(Bond and Nukem enter the ring)
Nukem: (jumps into the ring) I'm gonna have some fun tonight.
007: (pulls out his lame @$$ PP7) Okay, here's the deal. We can resolve this
Nukem: (pulls out his sub-machine guns) What kind of lame @$$ gun is that?
007: It's my pride and joy, the PP7.
Nukem: Speaking of pee pee...(goes to a nearby portapoty) Ah! That's better!
Lara: It had to come down to this...
Mills: Okay! I want a good, clean fight! Women, expose yourselves! Let's get
Lara: Okay, I get Nukem, you take the Britsh dweeb.
Aya: Huh? No way! I got Nukem, you take the British guy!
Lara: F**k off!
Aya: You silicon whore! I'll bet my virginity your breasts are fake!
Nukem: Can I take you up on that on that offer?
Lara: (pounces on Aya) Die b***h!
Aya/Lara: (rumble aroung tearing off each others clothes)
The audience: Whoa!!!
Meada: This will make a good scientific examination on the female body.
Ben: What do you mean?
Meada: Nothing.....nothing at all.... excuse me...(heads off for the bathroom)
Ben: Daddy! Do you think Aya will win?
Daniel: Not now foo'! Daddy's busy!
Johnny: It seems we have a cat fight down on the ring.
Nick: That's right Johnny! Send in the ice cream!
(ice cream falls into the ring)
Johnny: Our first ever ice cream deathmatch! This should be exciting!
Nick: Damn right Johnny!
Lara: (decks Aya in the face) Eat that b***h!
Aya: That's it! Your mitochondria is going down!
Aya: (casts Liberate on Lara and kills her) Now that that's over with...
Nukem: I can't take it anymore!!!!!! (runs up and starts raping Aya)
Aya: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Get it off! Get it off!
Nukem: Yeah baby!!!!
007: (shoots Nukem dead with his Golden Gun)
Aya: Oh thank you sir...huh?
007: My turn to pump information out of you, hotty! (runs over and starts raping
Aya: Ah s**t! Not again! What can save me now?
Sailor Jupiter: (tackles 007) Hey, you look like my old boyfriend.
Sailor Mars: Oh hell, Lita! You thought a dog looked like your old boyfriend!!!
Sailor Jupiter: Well, it did. (starts stripping) Now, where were we?
007: No!!! Please!! Stop!!!! AHHHH!!!
Sailor Jupiter: Don't be afraid. I won't bite!
007: AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh.....ugh....ack......uuhhhh (dies)
Dave (Cloud): (in the stands) Whahahahahahahaha!
Sailor Jupiter: Oh well, I guess I'll choose....YOU!!! (points to Dave (Cloud))
Dave: OH F**K!!! (runs like hell with Sailor Jupiter chasing him)
DAVE'S NOTE: I couldn't resist adding myself in this fic...
Nick: It looks like Aya Brea of the NYPD is our winner!!!
Audience: (goes wild)
Johnny: That was a very unusal, but good fight, uh Nick?
Nick: That's right Johnny! Onto the next fight!
(In the ring)
Mills: In the red corner, Luke Skywalker!
Luke: I'm ready.
Mills: And in the blue corner, Zero!
Zero: Someone... must... stop... Repliforce!
Luke: (Ignites lightsaber)
Zero: (Draws Z-Saber)
Luke: (Jumps and slashes)
Zero: (Blocks and counters)
Luke: (Blocks) The force and Obi-wan are with me. (Attacks again)
Zero: (Blocks) You moron, it's just your imagination! (Uses Rajingeki)
Luke: (Unaffected) Stupid @#%$! (Throws lightsaber)
Zero: (Blocks again) Who's stupid! (Attacks with a complete combo of his sword skills and ends up cutting off Luke's left hand)
Luke: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (Retaliates and cuts Zero in half)
Zero: Iris! (Dies)
Mills: Luke wins!
Luke: Easier than shooting womprats back home.
Dav (Jumps in): Are you kidding! (Pulls out Atma Weapon)
Luke: I don't want to fight you.
Dav (Thinking): I've always wanted to do this. (Shouts) Too f**kin' bad you bastard!!! (Cuts off Luke's right arm and both legs both so he can't do anything)
Darth Vader: The force is strong with him. As for you son, you've failed me for the last time!
Luke: Father noooooooo!!!!!!!
Vader: (Electrocutes Luke with Force Lightning and cuts his head off) All too easy!
Johnny: That just goes to show what a wuss Luke is and how his father is a much better swordsman.
Nick: Let's go to the next match.
Johnny: Here's another long match for you.
Nick: This should be one great match-up!
Johnny: In the blue corner, hailing from the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario and Luigi!
Mario: It's a me, Mario!
Luigi: Mario, we have to save the pasta!
Nick: In the red corner, the bandicoot and his sister, Crash Bandicoot and Coco.
Crash: (Jumps in the air)
Coco: (Spins around)
Johnny: In that other corner, the bear and bird duo, Banjo-Kazooie.
Banjo: I don't see any puzzle pieces.
Kazooie: We are here to fight, not find stuff.
Nick: And in that other other corner, all the way from Mobius, Sonic and Knuckles.
Sonic: (Spins in a ball)
Knuckles: (Spins in a ball)
Mills: Ok, I want a peacefull, loving, fight. What the hell am I talking about? I want you to tear eachothers guts out! Let's get it on!
Luigi: (Hits Coco in head with hammer)
Coco: Ahhhh (Dies)
Crash: No, Coco died to quickly. (Jumps on Luigi's head and stands there)
Mario: (Jumps on Crashes head and stands there)
Sonic: (Spins through Banjo) Yes!
Banjo: Ouch! (Hits Sonic with purse) Hey, it's not a purse! It's a backpack!
Lark: Shut up! I said it's a purse, so it's a purse. (Changes backpack to purse) There! Mwohohohohohohohohohohoho!
Knuckles: (Tries to spin through Kazooie, but misses)
Kazooie: (Picks Knuckles up into air)
Luigi(With Mario and Crash on head): I can't handle the weight! (Is crushed by Mario and Crash, dies)
Mario: Ahhh! Luigi! (Does Ultra Fire Ball on Crash)
Crash: (Is burnt, dies) Ahhhhh!
Banjo: (Cuts off Sonic's head with sharp puzzle piece)
Knuckles: (Glides awayfrom Kazooie and lands on Banjo's back)
Banjo: (Throws puzzle piece at Knuckles, but misses)
Kazooie: Ahhhhhhh! (Is choped in half by puzzle piece and dies)
Knuckles: (Chokes Banjo with purse strap)
Banjo: Damn you Lark for making it into a purse! (Dies)
Author: Mwohohoho! Damn, that was cool!
Mario: (Runs at Knuckles with hammer) Die you stupid animal!
Knuckles: (Starts to spin)
Mario: (Swings hammer while laughing)
Lark's Note: Mario has obviously gone nuts.
A note from Dyne: Then again he always was.
Knuckles: (Spins forward and slices through Mario)
Mario: Damn! (Dies)
Knuckles: (Covered with blood) I won! I won!
Dr. Robotnik: No you didn't! (Falls on Knuckles)
Knuckles: (Squished and dies)
Mills: And the winner is Dr. Robotnik!
Johnny: That was the best match I've seen in a while!
Nick: You've got to love all of that blood and guts action!
Johnny: It's time for our vehilce battle!
Nick: Damn right! Today's contestants are Cid Highwind and Han Solo in their trademark ships!
Johnny: But we have a surprise for 'em! We're switching their ships!
Cid: What the hell are you f**kin' saying?!
Nick: We're saying you have to fly the Falcon while Han takes the Highwind!
Johnny: And what does Han think?
Han: Too easy.
(In the ring)
Mills: In the red corner! Piloting the Highwind, Han Solo!
Han: I can fly anything you put in front of me! (Boards the Highwind)
Chewie: Rrrrraaaa!!! (Tries to follow him)
Han: Chewie! You have to stay here! You're fighting in the next match and there's no guarantee I'll come back alive!
Chewie: (Whines and gives Han a bear hug)
Han: Dammit Chewie! I definitely won't come back if you don't let me go!
Chewie: (Runs out of the ring crying)
Mills: Well that was screwed up. Anyway, in the ble corner! Piloting the Millenium Falcon, Cid Highwind and his co-pilot, Shera!
Cid: (Opens a can of hash) Something I need to do before flying this piece of crap! (Walks into the cockpit and exchanges Han's dice with a Dukes keychain.)
Shera: Captain, this really isn't your ship so you can't do that.
Cid: Dammit Shera! If I'm going to destroy mine I might as well take his! Now get ready! Time to kick some serious @$$!
Mills: I do not have any line for this match! So let's get it on!
(The two ships stall for a minute as their pilots figure 'em out, then they take off.)
Highwind: (Launches several missiles at the Falcon.)
Falcon: (The deflector shield easily stops them.)
Highwind: (Keeps shooting in order to wear down the shields)
(On the Falcon)
Cid: Shera! What the f**k are you waiting for! Return fire dammit!
Shera: Captain, there's a slight weapons malfunction.
Cid: @#$%#$^$%&^#$$%!!! (An explosion rocks the ship)
Shera: We lost all communications!
Cid: How the hell did he live with this piece of s**t!? (Another explosion causes Cid to accidentially hit a lever.)
Shera: You engaged the hyperdrive!
Falcon: (Enters lightspeed and crashes through the Highwind, destroying it.)
(Back in the stadium)
Mills (Watching through a radar control panel) The Falcon wins!
(In the announcer's booth)
Johnny: Han's toast.
Nick: Yeah but Cid doesn't know how to take the Falcon back into sublight, so he's going to take a while in getting home.
Johnny: Poor Cid.
Nick: Poor Cid?! What about Shera?! She has to put up with the cussing spree he'll be on the whole time it takes to get back!
Johnny: Oh well. Is Chewie out of the locker room?
Nick: Yeah, let's move on.
Johnny: In the first corner! From Star Wars, Chewbacca!
Nick: What'd hey say?
Lando: I think he's still mad at Artoo.
Artoo: You're damn right you @!$&^!#$&!#$%*%^%*#%*$^&^(*(#%^(#!!!
Lando: Either that or still pissed at Han's death.
Johnny: Uh, right. In corner two, from the Addam's Family, Cousin Itt.
Nick: What'd HE say?
Gomez: He wants to fire his agent.
Morticia: Of course mon chiere.
Gomez: Tish! That's French! (Starts to kiss her)
Johnny: O...kay. In corner three, from Looney Toons, Gossamer!
Johnny: And in corner four, Donkey Kong!
DK: (Does a Tarzan yell)
Nick: Waitaminute! Who the hell are you and what happened to Mills?
Steel: Mills is in the bathroom.
Johnny: But who're you?
Steel: Steel, John Steel Clayton. (Dyne: That's an inside joke you'll see Steel again in another fic)
Nick: All right then.
(Gossamer takes on DK while Itt fights Chewie)
Gossamer: (Charges DK)
DK: (Throws a barrel @ Goss)
Gossamer: (Is unfazed and keeps going)
DK: (Tries to jump on Gossamer)
Gossamer: (Grabs DK's legs and slams him into the ground over and over and over, well you get the idea)
Dk (Face bashed in and bleeding): (Runs away to find his bananas)
Cranky: You stupid @^#$^# Whippersnapper I'll show you how it's done! (Hobbles into ring)
Gossamer: (Breaks Cranky's cane, and snaps him in two)
(On the other side)
Chewie: (Tries to rip off Itt's head)
Itt: (Head butts Chewie seeing as he has no hands)
Chewie: (Gets knocked back)
Itt: (Head butts Chewie again)
Chewie: (Blocks and pulls out bowcaster)
Itt: (Head butts Chewie in the groin)
Chewie: (Makes a gay @$$ pose and howls)
Lando: (Jumps into ring): Hey that's BS!
Leia: Sit down it didn't work last time for Luke.
Lando: Sorry (Sits)
Vader: You're pitiful.
Itt: (Somehow steals the bowcaster and shoots Chewie) (Dyne: I think he can manipulate his hair, I don't know)
Steel: DK the pussy has run away and Chewbacca is dead! It's down to Itt and Gossamer!
Gossamer: (Grunts rapidly and approaches Itt)
Translation: "Hey ugly! Did you evert have the feeling you were being watched?"
Gossamer: (Notices the audience for the first time) PEOPLE!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! (Runs crashing through the stadium)
Steel: Itt wins!
Nick: That was wierd.
Lando: Who cares, with Han and Chewie gone, Leia's eligible for the taking. (Laughs Manaically)
Johnny: Is Mills out of the bathroom?
Johnny: Forget it, on to the next match!
Steel: In the red corner, Bomberman!
Bomberman: Explosions are fun!
Steel: And in the blue corner, the orginal Megaman boomboy (God that sounded bad), Bomb Man!
Bomb Man: I shall win for my master, Dr. Wily!
Steel: (Puts on asbestos) Fight!
Bomberman: (Places a bomb)
Bomb Man: Is that all? (Throws a bomb)
Bomberman: Shut up you f***in' loser! (Actually THROWS a bomb) Holy s**t! I can actually throw these things on my own!
Bomb Man: Good job airhead, that's why they made Bomberman HERO!
Bomberman: Oh, I forgot.
Bomb Man:I think all those explosions turned your brain to charcoal!
Bomberman: That's it! Bomber Change! (Turns into jet bomber and launches several bombs at once)
Bomb Man: Oh crap I shouldn't have reminded him. (Explodes)
Dr. Wily (In audience): NNnnnnnnnnooooooooooooo!!! (Does the Cloud Strife Freakout (tm)) Get him, Grenade man!
Grenade Man: Yes sir! (Jumps into ring) Flash Bomb!
Bomberman: (Dodges and launches more bombs)
Grenade man: (Explodes) That felt good!
Dr Wily: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!
Megman: Shut up you #$&^!#&!$#&@&$@*$%! I gonna do what I shoulda done a long time ago! (Shoots Wily)
Dr. Wily: (Dies)
Mills: Bomberman and Megaman win!
Bomberman: I did it!
Nick: Like he said.
Johnny/Nick: Explosions are fun!
Johnny: Mills is back but what happened to Steel?
Eddie the Janitor: (Finds Steel's charred corpse)
Nick: Well that's taken care of, let's go to the next match.
Johnny: Now on to the main event! But first we go backstage with Stacy
(Int the locker room)
Stacy: Thanks guys! I'm back here with Cloud Strife! How do you feel
about being in the next match?
Cloud: Well Stacy! I've allready got a plan!
Stacy: Which is..... Wait a sec.. Isn't that Kevin Darksangel!? (Points
at Kevin, who's standing by some stairs)
Kevin: (Smoking a ciggarette, heads upstairs)
Stacy: Hmm.... Oh well... Back to you Johnny!
(Back to Johnny)
Johnny: Ok are fighters are in the ring, but it it'll take to long to say
all their names, so let's get on to the match!
Mills: (Surrounded by fighters) I want a tough, brutal match, so let's
get it on!
(The bell rings and all the fighters start fighting, but then sparks fly.)
Cloud: (Jumps out of the ring, then a huge part of the rafters falls down and kills all the opponents in the ring) DAMN!!!
Johnny: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!!? (Looks up to see Kevin standing on the
rafters with his sword in his hand)
Kevin: (Laughs insanely)
Mills: Since Cloud's the only one left, he wins!
(Back to Nick and Johnny)
Nick: It's finally all over.
Johnny: Time to recap.
Nick: Sephiroth decapitated Stone Cold with one, swift blow! Cait Sith... Did Cait finish his match?
Johnny: That's not our problem.
Nick: Forget it then. Red XIII killed his cousin and the Taco Bell dog easily! Data did his patented move to easily wipe out Threepio! Tifa literally beat the s**t out of Sailor Moon! Cloud and Mills erradicated those bastards Zack and Johnny! Fishstick killed Epona on the 1st round! Vincent killed Yuffie to win his match then the audience killed Yuffie to win Vincent's match, Wolverine didn't even break a sweat to kill Ryu, and Reno has no trouble whatsoever against @$$hole Tseng! Elvis got revenge against Dude Love for messing up his hair! Homer outlasted Palmer but then died due to his drinking problem! Chef couldn't survive Barret's singing and since Bob is still (barely) alive I guess he won his match. Cid, Barret, and Pikachu won the Pokemon exclusive even though they weren't in it! Dav Cole easily killed Alundra and Dyne's sister! Cloud and Aeris watched as Red XIII killed DiCrapio and Winslut for 'em. Eve toasted Jenova, courtesy of Mills, and then lost to Aya! Rufus blew Clinton's head off while Aya sacrificed her virginity to win her match! Luke had a close match against Zero and then had a not-so-close match against Dav and Vader! Dr. Robotnik killed Knuckles after he won his match! Cid is now lost in space with the Falcon but in the process he destroyed the Highwind and killed Han to win! Cousin Itt beat out all the other hairy freaks easily! Bomber man blew away two of Dr. Wily's robots while Megaman finally killed Wily! And Cloud cheated and had Kevin Darkangel cause half the stadium to fall into the ring to win the main event! Now that that's over, I'm going to... sleep. (Collapses from running out of air.)
Johnny: I'm Johnny Gomez...
Nick: (Gets up) And Nick Diamond saying, good fight, good night!
Cait Sith: (Runs in) NO! It can't be over! I didn't get to kill all the Teletubbies! And what about my unscheduled match?!
Dyne/Dave/Kasshan/Lark: TOO BAD!!!
Note from Dyne: Seeing as how this was supposed to finished and released in January that's why most of these matches are out of date by now. Also, this was origanally a project by me, Cloud, and Cait. Cloud came through with his work but Cait never sent me his and so I spoke with Dave, Kasshan, and Lark and we finished it ourselves. That's why Cait Sith didn't kill all the Teletubbies.
Now you can understand comments referring to this from Celebrity Deathmatch 4. Head back?