Celebrity Deathmatch Special Edition
By Jason

Jason(me): Hello, and welcome to celebrity deathmatch special edition! Me, Jason "Alex" Erish, and my friend Bonker well be your hosts!

Authors note: I decided to put myself in this fic. Im gonna give a description later.

Bonker: Hi.

Jason: We have a great lineup today! They are all by popular demand!

Bonker: Yup, Setzer well be the anouncer today and Cecil well be the ref!

Jason: Right! The first match well be Shadow vs Edge vs Yuffie vs Locke vs Zidane!

Bonker: Next is Barret vs Vincent! Then Cloud vs Squall!

Jason: After that is Alucard and Dracula vs Richter and Simon!

Bonker: Then its Ramza vs Delita vs Mustadio, and the strangest twist of all, Tifa and Aeris TEAM UP against Terra and Celes! Then its X-Death against Sephiroth.

Jason:Yup, Then the last 3 battles are: Red XIII vs Umaro, Edward vs GoGo, and Cid Highwind vs me!

Bonker: You?

Jason: Yeah! Zell chickened out so I will fight him!

Seifer: Zell always was a chicken wuss.

Squall: SHUT UP! (does Lionheart with the Lionheart on Seifer)

Seifer: But I was the sorceress' knight... (dies)

Squall: Thats right @$$hole!

Jason: Anyway lets get on with the first match.

Setzer: In the red corner, Shadow!

Shadow: (Draws gay @$$ Shuriken)

Setzer: And in the blue corner, Edge!

Edge: I am a prince and I cannot be defeated!

Irvine(in audience): BULL$%#^! YOU SUCK!

Quistis(also in audience): Settle down (gives him some haldol)

Setzer: Oookayy anyway, in the other corner, Locke!

Locke: (Draws Atma Weapon and the crowd goes wild)

Setzer: And in the other corner, Zidane!

Zidane: (Draws The Tower) heh

Setzer: Riiiiight, and uhhh I guess in the middle... Yuffie.

Crowd:(boo's and starts throwing stuff at Yuffie)

Cecil: Right, I want a vicious, item-stealing, bloodbath. Lets go!

Setzer: Here they go!

Locke: (uses 4x cut on Yuffie)

Zidane: (uses Grand Lethal on Yuffie)

Shadow: (sics his dog on Yuffie)

Edge: (uses Blitz on Yuffie)

Yuffie: AHHHHHH! (gets hit by all the attacks totaling to 9,999,999 damage) I... cant.... die........(dies)

Everyone: YESSS! SHES DEAD!

Barret: Im so happy I could sing!

Cid: NO! DONT!

Barret: (starts singin) YMCA

Cid: AHHHHHHHHH! (Shoves his spear up Barrets @$$)

Barret: OW MY @$$ MY F%#%IN @$$!

Cid: HAHAHAHA! (opens a can of hash)

(back to the match)

Shadow: Eat this! (throws a shuriken at Edge chopping his arm off)

Edge: OUCH!

Locke: God you must really suck to be hurt by that!

Edge: SHUT UP! (charges at Locke)

Locke: Heh, watch this. (does his new 12x cut ripping Edge to shreds)

Shadow: Yeah you think that was cool? Well EAT THIS! (charges at Locke)
General Leo: (appears out of thin air and stabs Shadow then turns to Locke) HAHAHA!!! I AM SUPER-POWERFUL CAUSE OF MY BOOST FROM CIDS TEA!

Cid: YOU, #%^#%^#$&#%^^^%&!#%#$^&$#&#*&#*$^*%*#&%^&!!!!! (impales Leo then mutilates his body)

Leo: Arr (dies)

Bonker: That was sweet!

Jason: Yeah, tons of blood and gore!

Bonker: Next match!

Setzer: In the red corner, Barret!

Barret(still hurting): ow my @$$...

Cid: HAHAHA!

Leonardo Dicaprio: huh huh huh.

Barret: SHUT THE F#$% UP! (blows Dicraprios head off)

Setzer: And in the blue corner, Vincent!

Vincent: ....

Cecil: I gotta go err "somewhere" with Rosa but I want to see blood when I come back! Start!

Ash Ketchum: Hey Vincent, your tarts suck worse then Barrets singing!

Crowd: (goes silent)

Vincent: NO ONE INSULTS MY TARTS!!!!! (transforms into Chaos) HAHAHAHAHA!

Barret: You dont like my singing?.... TOO BAD!

All but Ash: (put earplugs in)

Barret: (starts singin) YMCA!

Vincent: (starts tearin Ash apart)

Ash: (goes deaf from Barrets singin', gets his arms ripped off by Vincent, and gets kicked in the balls by Cait Sith for no apparent reason at all) urg (dies)

Jason: And the winner is both Barret and Vincent!

Bonker: What a great match lets go on.

Setzer: In the red corner, CLOUD STRIFE!

Crowd: (goes wild)

Setzer: And in the blue corner, Squall!

Squall: ........

Cecil: (gets back) ahhhh... well, start the battle already!

Squall: (does Lionheart and knocks Cloud unconsious)

Jason: DAMN THATS CHEAP!

FF7 Characters: (rush in and kill Squall)

Bonker: Well that was kinda a dumb match...

Jason: Yeah.... but the next ones gonna be better!

Setzer: In the red corner, Alucard and Dracula, and in the blue corner, Simon and Richter Belmont!

Cecil: START!

Jason: What? no wishes for blood and gore?

Cecil: Oh yeah, that to.

Alucard(taking on Simon): God your a wuss (uses a really weak fireball and kills him)

Richter: How dare you! (starts whipping him)

Alucard/Dracula: (Alucard impales Richter and then Dracula uses his super-duper-meteor-fireball-thingy)

Richter: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH(explodes)

Jason: That was cool!

Bonker: Next!

Setzer: In the red corner, Ramza!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Ramza: I will not uhhh, what was my line again?

Mustadio(dripping with sarcasm): Wellllll I dooonnnnt knooowwww.... youve only said it 1,000,000,000,000,000 times.

Setzer: In the other corner, Delita

Delita(drunk off his @$$): Hi......... I.............LOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEE................. COOOOOOKKKKKKKKKIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS

Ramza: Delita? Ive never seen you drunk before.

Delita:(still drunk off his @$$): IIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMM GGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAYYYYYYY

Everyone: He speaks the truth!

Setzer: And in the last corner, Mustadio

Mustadio: (laughs at Delita)

Cecil: Fight!

Mustadio: (shoots Ramza)

Ramza: Ouchie!

Delita: (passes out)

Ramza: (starts to run away) AHHHHHHH!!!!

Jason: No way that @$$hole is gettin away! (jumps down to the ring boost-jump style and impales Ramza)

Mustadio: My gun is gay.... NOT ANYMORE! (pulls out a Silverhawk Gold Edition Rifle) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! (blows Delita to bits)

Jason/Mustadio: YEAH (high five)

Bonker: Great job Jason!!! Now for the next battle!

Setzer: In this corner.... uhhhh hold on (whispering to Jason) i have the script wrong, it says Tifa and Aeris team up!

Jason: Naw thats right dont worry.

Setzer: Ooookayyy then... in this corner..... Tifa and Aeris

Tifa: Okay S&%$-for-brains we are gonna team up just this once.

Aeris: No problem miss silicon

Setzer: In this corner, Celes and Terra!

Cecil: OK I want to see blood, I want to see guts, I want to see you all naked, GO!

Rosa: @$$hole! (b%tch slaps cecil then leaves)

Tifa(battleing Celes): EAT THIS!! (decks her)

Celes: HEY (swings her sword.... cutting Tifas shirt off)

Perverts in Crowd: HELL YEAH!!!

Aeris: FIRE 3!! (burns Terra)

Terra: yea well eat this! (decks her)

Aeris: URG (pulls her down and they start to rumble, tearing eachothers clothes off)

Celes/Tifa: (same)

Tifa: (decks Celes then Preforms her full chain of limits on her)

Celes: (gets knocked up next to Jason and Bonker)

Ambulence Guy: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWOOOOOOO (picks Celes up)

Aeris: (same)

Terra: (same)

Authors note: Lets give me a hand for creativity!

Cecil: And the winner is Aeris and Tifa!

Jason: That was great! On to the next match

Setzer: In this corner, X Death!

X Death: ....................................

Setzer: And........ hey wheres Sephiroth?

Seph: (Falls from booth bloody and beaten)

Everyone: WHAAAAT?

Jason: who could have done iy?

Bonker: That was you!

Jason: No s#$t sherlock

Setzer: OK then, next is Umaro vs Red XIII!

Palmer(in audience): (lets out a huge sloppy fart)

Umaro: (pukes all over Red)

Red XIII: (mauls him)

Umaro: (runs away crying)

Bonker: And Red wins.... I guess. That sucked

Jason: No S**t sherlock

Bonker: OK. Now we well have an interview in the locker room.

Jennifer Steele: OK here we have GoGo preparing for his match. Got a plan GoGo?

GoGo: OK here we have GoGo preparing for his match. Got a plan GoGo?

Jennifer: Stop copying me

GoGo: Stop copying me

Jennifer: SHUT UP!

GoGo: SHUT UP!

Jennifer: (takes out a machinegun and blows him away) Back to you Jason.

Jason: Thank you Jenny. I got to go to my match now.

Bonker: GO JASON!

Jason: (walks to the ring in his green, unbuttoned trenchcoat with black shirt and pants underneath, his black hair messier then ever wielding a cool spear)

Setzer: HERE WE ARE!!! THE FINAL MATCH TONIGHT!!! IN THE RED CORNER, CID HIGHWIND!!!!!!!! AND IN THE GREEN CORNER, OUR VERY OWN JASON ERISH!

Crowd: (goes absolutely crazy, cheering their lungs out for 2 of the coolest guys in Midgar.

Cecil: This had better be good! FIGHT!!!!

Cid: You're only a beginner, no problem. (opens a can of hash)

Jason: (knocks Cids Venus Gospel out of his hands)

Cid: !#$%#%#%^&$#^&$ MAN!!!!!!!

Jason: (attempts to stab him)

Cid: (dodges and grabs his spear, the Lunar Comet, and flings it to the ground)

Jason: OK then thats fine with me (decks Cid)

Cid: DAMN MAN (throws dynamite at him)

Jason: (dodges it and it takes out half the stadium)

Crowd: (screams)

Cid: (pickes up a piece of rubble and tries to hit him with it)

Jason: (gets nailed and it dislocates his shoulderblade)

Cid: (picks up his spear and goes in for the kill)

Jason: (sees Cid coming but is too weak to move)

????: I will avenge my husbands death

Cid: (stops) EVE?

Eve: Yes! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Cid: Oh shaddup you !#$#$%#$&$%^&&*%^!!!!!!!! Highwind! (the Highwind comes and starts dropping bombs and Eve)

Jason: EAT THIS!!! LUNAR THRUST!!! (does his ultimate limit on her where he twirls his spear, sliceing the enemy many times. Then his spear starts to glow and he charges usually right through the enemy.

Eve: (dies)

Jason/Cid: (do victory dance)

Bonker: well thats the end of this special edition Celebrity Deathmatch. Tune in next time for more carnage and more gore!


Go back before Cid and Jason take out the REST of the arena!