1 3/4 By Cloud Strife (Not some @#$%in' poser) and Cait Sith!

Cloud's Theme (Final Fantasy VII)

Ramza: Delita, you coward!!! Come back here!! I WILL NOT disgrace my family!!!!
Cloud: Wait a minute here! You're not in this fan fic!!!!! I was level one in your game!!!!
Cait Sith: Get the #$%& outta here, you suck @$$!!!!!!
Ramza: I'm sorry....(starts to cry..)Cloud: And your ponytail is gay, too!!!!!
Ramza: (Runs out of room crying) WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
Cait: Sorry for the inconvience, now let's get on with the fan fic!

It was a dark and stormy night at the Shinra Mansion in Nibelheim....
Sephiroth: (Laughing Menighically) I have been resurrected by... this guy over here!
Guy: (Holding up an 'Instant Plot Device') All I had to do was add water!!!!
Sephiroth: You must die and become one with the planet, now! (Same old shit!)
(Kills him) Mwahahahahahahahahah!!!!!! (Finds some 'literature' in the shinra mansion)
Professor Hojo: (Walks in) I see you found the playboys!!!!
Sephiroth: How else do you think I stayed up all night reading in this mansion!?
Hojo: Were you also resurected by an 'Instant Plot Device?'
Sephiroth: Just add water!
Both: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!
Hojo: I have a wonderful plan!
Sephiroth: So do I! I want to make Cloud suffer!
Hojo: We'll make them all suffer, now LISTEN!!!
Sephiroth:.......
Hojo: I was watching farfetched movies while I was dead, and I saw a movie in which two guys switched faces!!!!!
Sephiroth: You want me and Cloud to switch faces?
Hojo: And Tifa's Double D's will be all yours!!!!!
Sephiroth: Ghahahahahahaha!!!!
Hojo: Stop that annoying horse laugh!!!! Now let's go capture Cloud!
Sephiroth: How are we supposed to do that? He whipped our sorry @$$ES last time!!!!!!!
Hojo: I'll think of something, son.
Sephiroth: "Son?"
Hojo: (In James Earl Jones Voice) Sephiroth.... I AM YOUR FATHER!!!!! (Darth Vader rolls over in his grave) Oh wait, I'm not cool enough to say that!
Sephiroth: It's okay, dad, now let's get our revenge!!!
Hojo: Now that was some quality "Bonding Time"!!!!!!!!!!
Both; MWAHAHAHAHAHAHahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA( breathes) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

Back at ol' Nibelheim.....
Cloud: (Wielding Ultima Weapon, slicing the $#%^ out of a tree)
Tifa: Cloud, what are you doing?
Cloud: Practicing. If I don't WHIP @$$, my muscles get sore!!!! Besides, ever since I WHIPPED SEPHIROTH'S SORRY @$$, I've had nothing to do!!!!
Tifa: (Playfully) I can think of something for you to DO!!!! (Notice the sexual inuendo)
Cloud: Oh, Tifa!!!!! (They walk into Tifa's house and, well, YOU KNOW!!!!!)
Hojo: Damn! I didn't expect Tifa to be here!
Sephiroth: Yeah, I always thought she would forget about Cloud! I mean, look at that pathetic twerp! He couldn't even make it into soldier!!!!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I STILL KICKED YOUR SORRY @$$, ALBINO!!!!!!!! (That was Cloud)
Hojo: What the hell was that!?
Sephiroth: Oh, it's the authors! They always do this!!!! We're gonna lose this fight, but we might as well have FUN with it!!!!
Hojo: You're right, son!!! Obi-wan has taught you....Oh, nevermind!!!!!!
Sephiroth: We'll wait until Tifa leaves and nab him!!!!!
Hojo: He'll probably have exerted himself too much after that. Wouldn't you?
Sephiroth: I WILL!!!!!!
Both: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

Inside the house.....
Tifa: I'm going to go buy some shoes! Wanna come with?
Cloud: (Snores)
Tifa: Poor baby.... I feel MUCH better, though! (Walks out leaving Cloud passed out on the bed)
Hojo: Now's our chance! She's gonna go buy shoes?
Sephiroth: Hey, she's still a woman, you know! Let's nab him!!!!!
Hojo: (Runs in the room) God!!! He's naked...
Cloud: Who.. What... When.. Where am I!!!! Hojo!!! I'm........ NUDE?
Sephiroth: (Hits him over the head with a desk) He still never remembers anything!!!!
Hojo: (Dressing Cloud) Let's get out of here!!! There isn't much time!
Sephiroth: Relax, Dad! Tifa will be shopping for hours!!!!! (Drag's Cloud's unconcious body to the mansion)

Four hours later......
Cloud: Ugh.... Where am I!!!!
Voice in his head: Wake up!!!!!
Cloud: I'm here... In this mansion! The last thing I remember was Tifa....
The Voice: You love her, don't you?
Cloud: Yes.
The Voice: More than Aeris?
Cloud: What!!??
The Voice: And she'll never see you AGAIN!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!
Cloud: Sephiroth!!!!
The Voice: Look in the mirror, Cloud!
Cloud: I'm Sephiroth? No!!!!!! (Breaks the mirror and starts destroying everything) How can this have happened? I kicked his @$$ in five seconds!!!!!!
The Voice: Live as me forever, Cloud!!!!!
Cloud: I swear by all I hold holy I'll kill you again!!!! (picks up masamune) With your own sword!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!
The Voice: You're even begining to sound like me!
Cloud: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! (Thinks to himself) Alright Cloud, pull yourself together..... (finds a stack of playboys) Are these... Vincent's?

Back at Tifa's house....
Tifa: Cloud! I'm home!
Sephiroth: Hey baby!!!
Tifa: Cloud? Your voice sounds different...
Sephiroth: That's 'cause I started up on Cid's old habits!! (pulls out a can of hash)
Tifa: That is disgusting! (A chocobo with mailman riding it drops off a letter)
Sephiroth: Is that for me?
Tifa: It DOES say Cloud, doesn't it?
Sephiroth: Oh then, wait! Nevermind, let me see it.
Tifa: Are you okay? (Hands him the letter)
Sephiroth: We're invited to a party hosted by Vincent Valentine!
Tifa: Again?
Sephiroth: Last time was bad enough! We're not going!
Tifa: Come on, Cloud, it'll be fun! When is it?
Sephiroth: Tomorrow, at seven o'clock standard time, at the Gold Saucer!
Tifa: At the hotel again?
Sephiroth: Yes, this time, I hope Sephiroth doesn't spike the punch!
Tifa: You killed him and it's over, relax 'k?
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Read Vincent's Halloween by Sir T. Magus to understand that B.S.

At the Gold Saucer, Battle Square...
Cid: (Sipping mug of tea) I'm gonna win that final attack materia!
Cait Sith: There's only one left and I'M GETTING IT!!!! You'll just have to wait until I master mine!!!!!
RedXIII: In your dreams, Cat!!!
Cait: Red!!! Long time no see!!!
Cid: Hi ya Red!!!! How's it hangin'?
All: LOW AND SLIGHTLY TO THE LEFT!!!! HAHAHA!!!
Vincent: Hey guys! I see you got my invitations!
Barret: (In crappy Mr. T voice) I pity the 'foo who wouldn't go to such a blessed event!
RedXIII: Why are you wearing that gay@$$ sailor suit?
Barret: I became a sailor after Cloud whipped Sephiroth's sorry @$$ in five secs!!! And let me tell 'ya, it's pretty different..... (Lights go down, disco ball appears, red lights everywhere, and a spot light shines on Barret) IN THE NAVY!!!!
Cid: Oh, %$#@!!!! A musical number!!!
Cait Sith: Barret's singing sucks @$$!!! (Plugs his ears)
Barret: In the navy.... It's pretty #$%^in' gay..... In the navy.... They don't care what the %^&* you say... In the navy... you can wear a sailor suit... In the navy.... They're all gay and horny brutes.... In the navy.....Hey hey hey hey hey.... In the Navy... They don't sing YMCA!!!!!!!! (the musical # is over, thank the lord our God)
Cait Sith: Is it over? Hey!!! Barret killed all the monsters with his singing!!!! He won the final attack materia!!!
Barret: It's Ma' new limit break, 'foos!!! Shitty Singing!!!!!!
Cid: (Opens up a can of hash) I'm gonna impale ya' if you don't gimme that materia RIGHT NOW!!!!
Barret: What materia? It's GONE!!!!
Yuffie: Hi guys!!! Vincent: Yuffie!!! I'm glad you made it!!!
Yuffie: I brought a date, too!!! (Drag's Reno's drunken @$$ into the arena)
Vincent: What!!!!!
Reno: (In druken stupor) Wha.... what? Where am I?
Yuffie: (Conks him over the head with his bottle of Tequilla) Quiet, you!!!! (Smiles)
Vincent: What the hell is that @$$hole doing here?
Yuffie: He's my date!!! I got me a man!!!!
Cid: He must have been pretty %^&*in' drunk, even for Reno!!!!!
Reno: (Makes a gurgling sound)
RedXIII: Shall we get going? Where are Cloud and Tifa?
Tifa: (Walks in with Sephiroth, still with Cloud's face) Hi everyone!
Everyone: Hi Tifa!!!! Hi Cloud!!!!
Sephiroth: (Staring into space) ....oh..... uh ....hi......
Cait Sith: Anything wrong, Cloud?
Sephiroth: No.....
Tifa: (Sees Reno) What the hell is that drunk doing here?!?!?!
Yuffie: He's my date! He's my man!!!!
Vincent and Reno: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Yuffie: Shaddup!!!!! (Conks Reno again)
Sephiroth: You're gonna give him a concussion!
Yuffie: So?
Vincent: By all means, whack him somemore!!!!
Tifa: Let's get going, guys!!! Everyone's here!!
Cloud: (lurking in the shadows) Not everyone, Tifa... If he touches you I swear to God I'll..... URRRGGGHHH!!!!! I need help! Nobody's ever going to believe I'm me!!! Damn it all!!! What am I supposed to do? (Looks over at Tifa) I will NEVER lose her again! I MUST STOP THIS!!!!!(Leaves arena, gets on trolley, and goes)
Sephiroth: He's here.... I can feel it...
Tifa: Cloud!!!! What's wrong with you!!! TELL ME!!!
Sephiroth: Nothing... I just... Let's just go have fun!!!!
(He's trying to act HUMAN, folks)
Tifa: All..Alright, Cloud.
Cid: SHIT!!! Let's get goin'!!!!
Shera: (Get's off the trolley) Everyone!!! I just saw Sephiroth!!!
Cid: Dammit Shera!!! You dumbshit!! Gimme some #$%^in' tea!!!!
Shera: (Hands him a can of tea) I knew you'd say that!!! Try this stuff it's new!!!
Cid: (Takes a sip) YOOO!!! That's BRISK, BABY!!!!!!!
Sephiroth: Did you really see Sephiroth?
Shera: I guess I just imagined it. It couldn't have been real, after all, he was leaving....
Cid: Woman! What you need is to stay here and party with us and just @#$%in' relax!!!
Shera: Alright!
Barret: Damn right!
Everyone: Don't start that again!!!!
Reno: WHAAAAAAA......
Yuffie: (Breaks the bottle over his head) Dammit!!!! Now what am I gonna conk him with!!!
Reno: Need.... Booze.....
Vincent: I'll shoot him for ya!!!!
Cait Sith: (Starts playing music) Let's dance, everyone!!!!
Sephiroth: (Scared look in his eyes) I can't dance!!!!
Tifa: Of course you can, Cloud!
Sephiroth: I hurt my leg when I was bustin' up that tree... Sorry Tifa.
Tifa: When Aeris was here you'd dance on a broken foot.... Oh, I get it!!!!
Sephiroth: Tifa! Waitaminute! I....
Tifa: Get over it Cloud!!!!(Storms out)
Sephiroth: DAMMIT!!!!! (Looks around and sees that even Yuffie has somebody- and he doesn't) Face it Seph! You're a loser!!!!!! Cloud took away your cool power! All I can do is fly around and smush rocks!
RedXIII: Cloud, what did you say!!!???
Sephiroth: I don't know.... I'm messed up.. or something.
Vincent: Cloud, just calm down. Tifa will come back.
Sephiroth: I hope....

Back at Nibelheim...
Tifa: (Walks back to her house, tears streaming down her face. Sees that the lights have been left on in the Shinra Mansion) What's going on? (Walks over and sees Hojo and a shadowy figure) Hojo is alive?! What the hell? (Eavesdrops for a bit)

Inside....
Hojo: Who are you?
Shadowy Figure: (In James Earl Jones Voice) Your worst nightmare!!!! Your life is coming to an end!!
Hojo: I'm sorry!!!! I'll never try to talk like you again!!!
Darth Vader: I show no mercy to insolent posers like you!!!!! (Decapitates him)
AUTHOR"S NOTE: Take a hint from that, you @#$%in' poser who dares to call himself 'The REAL Cloud' I'm the one and only!!! Sorry for the outburst!!!
Tifa: (Watches Vader dissappear) If Hojo... WAS alive, does this mean Sephiroth's back, too? Is this why Cloud is acting so weird?

Forgotten City, under the fish whatsimawigger....
Cloud: (Whips out 'Instant Plot Device' and sumerges it in the water) Aeris! Come back! I need you!
Aeris: (Floats to the top of the water and opens her eyes)
Sephiroth.... No.. Your voice.... Cloud?!
Cloud: Sephiroth did something to me, switched our bodies, or something..... Everybody thinks he's me....
Aeris: How did you bring me back?
Cloud: With my 'Instant Plot Device'!!!!
Aeris: Just add water!!!!
Cloud: I missed you....
Aeris: As did I.. Maybe when this is over we can try to...
Cloud: I don't know.... Tifa and I are..
Aeris: That stupid B****!!!! I can't believe her! Whoops!
Cloud: Let's worry about me, shall we? God that sounded self-centered!!!
Aeris: Just like you!!!! C'mon, let's get you out of that body!!
Cloud: Do I scare you like this?
Aeris: A little, but I can still tell it's you.
Cloud: I HATE this place! Let's get out of here!!!

Back at the Gold Saucer.....
Cid: (Drunk off his @$$ and dancing with Shera, holding a Long Island Iced Tea!!!) Haha!! This party rocks @$$!!!
Cait Sith: (Playing CDs) Let's change the CD!!! (MMMMBOP starts playing) Who the hell put that in there?!!!!!!!!
Yuffie: Hey! I like this song!!!
Cait Sith: THis shit's worse than Vincent's tarts, Yuffie's Cooking, and Barret's singing all rolled into one!!! (Takes out CD and smashes it)
Vincent: Nobody makes fun of my tarts!!! (Transforms into chainsaw wielding maniac) Wait! My Limit Breaks suck!!!! I can't even cure myself! Never mind! (Transforms back to normal)
Cait Sith: (Wipes away Sweat DropTM) That was close!!!!
Sephiroth: (Sighs) Tifa didn't come back....
Tifa: (Busts in the door) Everybody!!! Some weird stuff's going on!!! I just saw Hojo... Alive, until this really awesome looking guy in a black cape decapitated him!!!!
Sephiroth: DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!!!!!!!
Tifa: What?
Sephiroth: (Thinks quickly) SEPHIROTH MUST BE ALIVE, TOO!!!!!!! I HATE his @#$%in' GUTS!!!
Vincent: We all do, Cloud. This isn't that big a deal!
Cait Sith: Yeah, Ya Whipped his sorry @$$ in five secs, remember?!!!!!!
Cloud: (Enters in flash of light, shrouded in cape) Let's see him try it now!!!!!
RedXIII: Something's wrong!!! He's not laughing menighically, and his theme isn't playing!!!!
Cloud: I hate that theme!!!!
Sephiroth: Prepare to die again!!!
Cloud: (Wielding masamune) YOU ARE NOTHING BUT AN ANT TO BE CRUSHED!!!!!
Sephiroth:(Wielding Ultima Weapon) History repeats itself!!!!!!
Cloud: (Starts slicing Sephiroth up)
Sephiroth: (spits blood, curses) Not AGAIN!!!!!
Tifa: Something's wrong, look!
Aeris: (Walks in) No, Tifa, something's finally right.
Cloud: OMNISLASH!!!!!!!
Sephiroth: (Gets hit with omnislash and dies) AARRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Cloud: Let this be a lesson to all imposters!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aeris: Are you ready to be normal again, Cloud?
Cloud: Yes, Aeris, thank you.
Aeris: (Pulls out a bottle of arrowhead water and an 'Instant Plot Device') There!
Cloud: (Returning back to his extremely cool self again) @#$% YEAH!!!!! (Kicks Sephiroth's corpsearound for awhile, laughs menighically)
Cid: (In a drunken stupor) WHAT THE F*** IS GOING ON??!!!!!!!
Cait Sith: Not a freakin' clue! I'm all confused!
Shera: Cloud was Sephiroth and Sephiroth was Cloud. What's so hard about that?
Cid: Shuttup woman!
Cait Sith: No!!! Not that!! Is it Tifa or Aeris??!!!!
Cloud: I just saved the F***in' day, don't make me think, too!!!!
Yuffie: You guys should go on Rickie Lake!!!
Reno: (In an even more drunken stupor than Cid) Jerry......Springer.....
Yuffie: Shaddup you! (Conks him over the head with Sephiroth's Masamune, killing him) Dammit!!! Now I need another man!!! I'm going on Jerry Springer, too!!!!
Scarlet and Elena: (Drive up in buggy) Don't leave us out!!!
Cloud: Oh, Shit!

WHICH BRINGS US TO.......The Real Jerry Springer Episode!!!!!

Seven working days later, on the set of Jerry Springer........
Jerry: (Addressing the audience) Welcome to my show! My topic of the day is, "Women in love with Cloud Strife". Welcome to my show, Cloud.
Cloud: (Sitting in a chair on the stage) Hi, Jerry.
Jerry: Cloud, what makes you such a pimp?
Cloud: I don't know, Jerry. I'm usually mean and cold. I don't get it, Jerry. Maybe it's my sword. My big @$$ sword!
Jerry: Hold that thought, Cloud, let's bring out our first guest. Let's welcome, Aeris Gainsborough!
Aeris: (Walks out on to stage and sits down next to Cloud) Hi, Jerry.
Jerry: Hi, Aeris. So why do you love Cloud so much?
Aeris: Many reasons, Jerry. But mostly the fact that his sword isn't the only thing that's big!!!!!
Tifa: (Runs out on stage) So that's why you have such a big mouth!!!!!!!!!
Aeris: He perfers my big mouth to your fake rubber tits!!!!!!!! (They start to rumble and knock Cloud over)
Cait Sith: (In audience) Oh yeah!!! This is great stuff!!!!!!!!!!!
Aeris; Double D!!!! I'LL PRAY FOR YOUR DEATH!!!!!!!
Tifa: I'LL KILL YOU MYSELF THIS TIME, B***H!!!!!!!!!
Security Guards: (Pull Tifa and Aeris apart, kicking and screaming)
Jerry: Well, I guess we should welcome Tifa Lockheart.
Perverts in Audience: GOOOOOOOO DOUBLE D!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tifa: (Blushes)
Jerry: Tifa, what makes Cloud so attractive?
Tifa: Well, Jerry. He may seem cocky and brash on the outside, but inside he's a really sweet guy.
Audience: AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Pervert: SHOW US YOUR TITS!!!!!!!!
Jerry: Calm down. That's tommorows show. Tifa won't be here tommorw.
Cloud: (Walks into audience, grabs a chair and busts it over perverts head)
Jerry: Cloud, return to your seat, please.
Cloud: Sorry, Jerry.
Jerry: Tifa, I couldn't help but notice. Are those real?
Tifa: (Blushing) Yes, Jerry. There're 100% natural.
Aeris: Sure they are.......
Tifa: What did you say, B***H?!?!?!?!
Aeris: HO!!!!! (Bitch slaps Tifa, they rumble again)
Security Guards: (Break up fight with Cloud's help)
Cloud: Stop it!!!!!
Tifa: (Starts to cry) I wish she never came back so things could have been they way were.....
Aeris: I'm sorry, Tifa, but I'm alive again, (Thanks to the "Instant Plot Device", just add water) and I deserve to be with the man I love.
Jerry: So, Cloud. After hearing that, which one of them do you perfer?
Cloud: Who am I, Don Corneo?!?! I just don't know, Jerry.
Jerry: But wait, there's more, after this commercial
break.
Audience: (Claps)

(Commercials roll)
Cloud: (Walks out from curtain with Cait Sith) Hi, I'm Cloud Strife and this is Cait Sith. You may know us as "Those guys that saved the world", but today we're here to sell you our wonderful, new product!
Cait Sith: That's right, Cloud. Invented by a guy from Cosmo Canyon, we bought the patent. We're here to sell you this life saving product!
Cloud: That's right, Cait! This device can help anybody! And what is this device, you ask?
Both: "THE INSTANT PLOT DEVICE"!!!!!!!!
Cloud: Take our example here! This is Barret Wallace. He lost his arm, his wife, his town, and is stuck on the first level of "PaRappa the Rapper"!
Barret: That's right, Cloud. I couldn't get past that level. That damn onion keep on confusin' me! My whole life sucked to boot! But then I used an "Instant Plot Device", and my life turned around! The Shinra fell, I beat PaRappa, I adopted Marlene, and found my sailor suit! I joined the navy! In the Navy.....
Cait Sith: But it didn't help his singing voice any! How does this device work, is it complicated? HELL NO!!! All you have to do is.....
All three: JUST ADD WATER!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cloud: So if you want to order one of these "Instant Plot Devices", call 1-800-555-PLOT! That's 1-800-555-PLOT!!!!
Cait Sith: Call now! Operators are standing by! Don't just watch life, live it!!!!!
Monotone Voice: Call 1-800-555-PLOT, that's 1-800-555-P-L-O-T!!! Each "Instant Plot Device" is only 5000 gil plus shipping and handling! Order NOW!!!

Now back to Jerry.......
Audience: JERRY! JERRY!! JERRY!!!!
Jerry: Welcome back to my show! Today we're talking to all the women that want Cloud Strife.
Right now we're talking to Cloud, Aeris, and Tifa. But wait......
Tifa: Why did you say my name last? Why was Aeris before me? WHY IS IT ALWAYS AERIS?!?!?!?!?
Jerry: Because we brought her out first!
Tifa: Oh, sorry. My bad!
Jerry: As I was saying, there are more women that want Cloud. Right now let's bring out Yuffie Kisaragi!
Yuffie: Hi, Jerry! How ya' doin'?
Jerry: Hi, Yuffie! So you also want Cloud?
Yuffie: Well, accually, Jerry, I accidentally killed my man, Reno. I conked him with a sword and he died. Go fig'!
Jerry: And, Cloud, what do you think of Yuffie?
Cloud: Nothin' much.
Jerry: And what do you think about that, Yuffie?
Yuffie: Don't care. I just wanna man!
Jerry: Well, we got one for you. Please welcome, Vincent Valentine.
Vincent: Hi, Jerry. Hi.... Yuffie.
Yuffie: Hi Vince. So Jerry, where's my man?
Jerry: We just brought him out.
Yuffie: Who, Vinny?
Vincent: Yes, Yuffie. I didn't tell you, but I've always had a secret crush on you.
Yuffie: Why didn't you tell me?
Vincent: Are you kidding? I never talk about anything, especially my feelings.
Jerry: And what's your reaction to this, Yuffie?
Yuffie: Oh, Vinny! (Hugs him)
Jerry: I guess that answers my question.
Vincent: Yuffie. I love you and all. But if you EVER steal from me, WE'RE THROUGH!!!!!!!
Yuffie: 'K. (Quickly puts his materia back without him noticing)
Jerry: That leaves us with only two more guests. Scarlett, Elena, come on out! (Elena and Scarlet walk out)
Jerry: So Scarlet, what makes you want Cloud so bad?
Scarlet: (Wearing tight leather) I'm just sooooooo horny that I'll take anything I can get.
Elena: Same here.
Cloud: You two stay away from me!!!!!!
Scarlet: Alright, Elena. You're my bitch now.
Elena: Anything, just don't use the whip!!!!!!!
Scarlet: (Gives Elena a whip) SPANK ME, BABY!!!!!!!!!!! OOHHHHHH YEAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jerry: OH S**T!!!!!! NO MORE F**KING DIKES!!!!!!!!!! (Whips out a .45 and guns them down)
Audience Member: (Screams)
Jerry: Don't worry, folks! They'll be given phoenix downs and be booted out later. I just don't want to deal with them.
Ellen: (A lesbian in the crowd. Yells to Jerry) Hey, man! F**K YOU!!!!! LESBOS, RUSH 'EM!!!!!!!!!!!(A whole horde of lesbians from the audience run toward Jerry)
Jerry: HOLY S**T!!!!! ALL THOSE DIKES ARE GONNA KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cid: YOU DAMN WOMEN!!!!!! GET ME SOME F**KING TEA!!!!!!!!!!!
Lesbo1: I just love a man that's in control!!!!
Lesbo5: ME Too!!!!!!
Lesbo2: I always wanted a man that's in control!!!!!!
Lesbo4: And a skilled pilot too!!!!
Cid: (Pulls out a can of hash) DAMN STRAIGHT!!!!!!!!
All Lesbos: (Excluding Ellen) That does it!! We're all turning straight!!!!
Ellen: DAMN!!!!!!!!
Jerry: Thank God!!!!!!
Cid: (Surronded by women, sipping tea) I gotta come to this show more often!!!!!! (Lights up a fat cigar)
Shera: DAMMIT, CID!!!!!!!!!!!
Jerry: Well, Cloud, you got two girls left. Is it Aeris or Tifa? Cloud: I... uh......um........
Jerry: We'll find out after this comercial break!
Audience: (Claps)

(Commercials roll)
Annoying Voice: Are you tired of calling all those other gay @$$ psychic hotlines? Are you like this?
Cloud: (Dails up hotline number)
"Psychic" on phone: Hello, what is your name?
Cloud: If you're really a psychic, shouldn't you already know?
"Psychic": What is your name?
Cloud: This is Cloud Strife and I'm taking my buisness elsewhere!!!!! (Slams phone down)
Annoying Voice: If this has happened to you, call the "Cait Sith Psychic Hotline"!
Cait Sith: Alright, ditch the annoying voice! I'm a real psychic, I can find missing objects, missing people, anything!!!!!!!! If you want your calls to go more like this......
Cloud: (Dials number)
Cait Sith: Hello, this is the "Cait Sith Psychic Hotline". What can I do for you, Cloud?
Cloud: Wow!! You really are a psychic!Cait Sith: YES I AM!!!!!!!
Cloud: Should I pick Aeris or Tifa? Which one is better for me?
Cait Sith: Oh this isn't good.... poor Tifa! I can't say it.
Cloud: Tell me, I promise I won't get mad!!!!!!!
Cait Sith: Looks good. You and Aeris are perfect for each other!!!!! Aeris's star and Cloud star..... they show a great future!!!!!!! Cloud, I'll be your matchmaker, preacher, whatever. Just call me when it all happens!!!!!!
Cloud: Thanks, Cait! You solved a lot of problems!
Cait Sith: ALL IN A DAYS WORK!!!!!!!!!
Cloud: (Hangs up)
Cait Sith: Another satisfied customer!!!!! So if you want me to solve YOUR problems, just call 1-800-555-SITH!!!!!
Annoying Voice: That's 1-800-555-SITH!!!! 1-800-555....... ("WHACK")
Cait Sith: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't make my moogle hurt ya'! (Does a back flip[the third hit of his 4x cut])

And back to Jerry........
Audience: JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!!!
Jerry: So, Cloud, have you decided?
Cloud: Well, I agree with Cait. But I can't just decide yet.....
Tifa: It's okay, Cloud, I'll go find Johnny.
Cloud: HELL NO!!!! NOT JOHNNY!!!!!!!!
Aeris: I get it..... I'll go use an "Instant Plot Device"......
Cait Sith: JUST ADD WATER!!!!!!!!
Aeris: .....to go get Tseng.
Cloud: NOOOOO!!!! AERIS!!!! LISTEN TO ME!!! YOU CAN'T LEAVE!!! I WAS LOST THE LAST TIME!!!! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!
Aeris: Oh, CLOUD!!! (hugs him)
Tifa: Cloud........ Jerry: And so once again, matches are made and hearts are broken. And now for my Final Thought.
Tifa: Stick your "Final Thought"!!!!!! My life is ruined!!!! Everything went straight to hell!!!! It's all Sephiroth's fault!! Damn him straight to hell!!!!
Jerry: So find someone else! It's not like your life is over!!!
Tifa: Go to hell!!! I'll never find anyone like Cloud again!!!! Damn you, Cait!!!
Reeve: Don't you want to damn me in person?
Tifa: Reeve?
Reeve: I'm sorry about that fortune. I didn't want anybody to get hurt. If Cloud wasn't as traumatised over Aeris's death, I would have said you, but this way is better for Cloud.
Tifa: Damn Cloud and Damn You, and Damn Aeris, and Damn Myself for letting Cloud go to begin with!!!
Jerry: All of you people are way too emotional, and your profanity is terrible!!!!
Cid: You got a F**kin' PROBLEM WITH THAT, MAMA'S BOY????!!!!!!!!!
Jerry:You all need to get serious help, especially that Cloud guy!!!!!
Tifa: Are you talking about my Cloud?!!!
Jerry: I know the perfect place......

Two days later, at Mesa Community College The rehabilitaion, manners, and psychology class....
Cait Sith: WHY THE F**K AM I HERE!!!!???? I'M NOT THE F**KIN" ONE WHOOSE ALLWAYS F**KIN" CUSSING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ooooooppppppsss.....
Cloud: (sitting down next to Aeris) Hi Aeris.Aeris: Cloud! (kisses his cheek)
Tifa: GGGRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!
Barret: What the @$#$%^&^$^&$%&^$&^&$% is this &(%*&($%&*(^%*&(%*&(%*&(%(*&^*&*&(%*&(^% gay@$$ #@$%^&*$%^&**&%^((*&&^^^(*(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yuffie: (Sits down next to Vincent) Hi Vinny!!! Y'know, ya gotta have that claw removed!! It was poking me last night!!
Barret: #$%&^*&%#&*$##%$%^#$%^%^$%^^% !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I THINK I"M GONNA PUKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cait Sith: Me too!!!!!
Vincent: Your just jealous because your not getting any!!!! (kisses Yuffie)
Barret: (Pukes all over RedXIII)
RedXIII: (Starts to maul Barret)
Mr. NiceGuy: (Walks in) What's going on in here? You guys are adults! Act like it.
Cloud: O.K. (macks with Aeris)
Tifa: Now I'm gonna puke. I still love you Cloud...
Cloud: (Not paying the least amount of attention......)
Tifa: DAMMIT CLOUD!!!!!!!
Mr. NiceGuy: Young lady, that is enough of that! Remove yourself from my class!
Tifa: Take your powdered @$$ straight back to HELL!!!!!! (leaves)
NiceGuy: Now, let us begin with class! I'm Mr. NiceGuy, your Professor, and...
Cid: I ain't listenin' to this gay@$$ #$%^ for another F**KIN' SECOND!!!!! I'm a damn rocket scientist, so F**K YOU!!!!!
NiceGuy: Stop that God awful language!!!!
Cid: You F**kin' F**K!!!!!!! $%*&&*&@*()%(*&%&*(%(*&&*@^%#$%^&*$%^#@$^%$#@!%@$#%^@#$^$#@%^# @$%#$@#$%#@!$%#@$$%@$#$%$#@$%@!#$%@#$%#@$%#@!$%!#@$%!#@$%#@!$ %!#@%$@!#$%@!#$%@#!$%!@#$%!#@$%@!#%^@!#$%@!#$%@!#$%@!#$%@!#$%@! #%$&!#@^%@!#^@!#@!#^$%@!#^%@!#^%@!#^%@!#^%#@!^%@!%^!~%^!~^%#@!%^# @!$&%~#@&%!$#@%&@!#%&#@!%@!^%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm takin' over this class!!! Who wants to learn from a loser like this!!!!
Cait Sith: I sure as hell don't!!!
Some NERD: I Do!!!
Cait Sith: Shut the hell up, GAY@$$!!!!!! The man is speakin', @$$ GOBLIN!!!!! Preach on brother Cid!!!!
Cid: I'm your new professor, Professor HIGHWIND!!!!! I'm goona teach ya how to be a Cid, to drink tea, smoke fat cigars, and watch the dukes of hazard!!!! (Pulls out a can of hash)
Cloud: (Pulls his tongue out of Aeris' mouth) Wait a minute, hon', this could be interesting!!!!!
Barret: Why would I EVER wanna be like you!!!!!!!!
Cid: (Impales Barret on his spear) Any other challengers? GOOD!!!!!!! Now let's get down to buisness!!!!
RedXIII: This MAY be interesting! What makes Cid the way he is?

500 YEARS LATER.................

RedXIII: (Running with his cubs, sees his cave and hops on in) Shera!!! Where the hell are you? Get me some #$%&in' tea!!!!! (Recieves tea, lights up a huge @$$ cigar with his tail, his cubs are smokin' cigarrettes.) I'm takin' the young ta' go n' see Midgar!!! When I get home, I want dinner on the table, a cold sixpack in the fridge, and you lyin' in bed howlin'!!!!!!!!!! (takes off with cubs)
Shera: (Thoughtfully) If he's the last of his kind, then how can I exist! Why is Cid the only person in the world who smokes? (during the game) And just what is an 'Instant Plot Device'? I guess we'll never know!!!

The End- For Now
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