Cloud: We all know what's first, get it over with.
DISCLAIMER All Final Fantasy Characters are trademarks of Squaresoft Inc. This is not to be sold for any profit blah blah blah. And I am not ripping off the Dukes of Hazard Hell stories, merely referring to them.

Cait Sith's Big Break
Part 1-A Deal to Strike
By Dyne

Cait Sith's Theme (Final Fantasy VII)

CaitSith: Wait! I can't have a big break, I don't have an agent.
(Author's note: Cait Sith is not a radio-controlled toy in these, but real)
Cid: I'll be your agent.
Cait Sith: Okay.
Yuffie: No! I wanna be his agent.
Red XIII: I believe I'd make a good one for you Cait Sith.
Yuffie: Why you, big, red thing!
Yuffie attacks Red XIII and Cid is given the job.
Cid: I'll take the standard 95%.
Cait Sith: Damn you Shinra! Agents make the best livings these days.
Cloud: Shut up! The story's starting!

Friday night, AVALANCHE HQ, the party is once again watching TV.
TV: Stay tuned for the Dukes of Hazard!
Cid: All right!
Jumps into his Lazy Boy and lights yet another cigarette.
Everyone else: NO!!!! Not again!
Cid: Hey! Shut the hell up! The Dukes rule and you know it. (Pulls out a can of hash)
Yuffie: Oh Gawd! Don't you remember what happpened the last few times!?
Cloud: We were forced to watch all of the reruns of Duke's with your second-hand smoke as well…
Tifa: Had to watch XXX Freedom…
Barret: Cloud then broke the TV!
Cloud: It wasn't me! (Launches himself at Barret)
Cait Sith: Finally we had to move due to Mt. Midgar*! (Leaves room)
Cid: Aw shut up! What could happen if I watch the Dukes of Hazard again.
Red XIII: A lot!
Tifa: Yea, I wanna watch Saved by the Bell!
Barret stops strangling Cloud.
Barret: Saved by the Bell? (laughs) That's a geek show, only Yuffie'd watch something that corny.Yuffie launches herself at Barret.
Yuffie: Shut up fathead! At least I don't watch the Dukes of Hazard.
Cid: Aw shut the $#^$ up! (Throws hash at Yuffie and everyone soon starts fighting)
Meanwhilst Cait Sith is in another room plotting another dirty trick.
Cait Sith: Hee hee hee! I'm gonna get them so confused their heads'll spin. /This is better than the Grey Materia scam./
Vincent: Whose heads'll spin?
Cait Sith jumps, hits the ceiling, and Tifa's scream is heard as the fight upstairs continues.
Cid: Give me the @$#$in remote! You %^#$^es, I'm gonna watch the kick @$$ Dukes whether you like it or not!
Cloud (pulling Red XIII's leg): You and what army?!
Barret: Oops!
Tifa: What the hell do you mean by "oops"!
Everyone stares in horror as Barret lifts his feet revealing…
Cid: No!!! You crushed the damn remote!!!
Cloud, seizing the oppourtunity, changes the channel on the TV to the season finale of the Simpsons.
Yuffie: Gawd! Not the Simpsons.
Cid: Wait, it's the season finale… Oh my god!!! Homer and Marge are running around the town naked!
Tifa: Turn it off!
Barret: No! It's funny!
Everyone else: You pervert!
Red XIII (muttering to himself): I knew we shouldn't have gotten cable. (Notices the floor) Hey? Where'd this dent come from.
Back downstairs.
Cait Sith: (After landing) Vincent! You… you… you… aw skip it. What am I gonna do? It's simple! I'm gonna lure their sorry butts away from that damn TV so I can watch Sesame Street.
Vincent could not hold his laughter.
Cait Sith: Hey! I should be on that show, I do look like one of those characters. Wait… that's an idea! Where's my agent?!
Vincent: Upstairs, fighting to watch the Dukes of Hazard (again).
Cait Sith pulls out his HP Shout and runs upstairs.
Cait Sith (shouting through megaphone): Cid! Get your sorry @$$ out here, I've got a deal for you to make.
Cid: #@^%! It can wait! The Dukes are on next!
Cloud: Forget about the damn Dukes, you can strike a deal for Cait Sith.
Vincent walks in as Cait Sith and Cid leave and notices the TV.
Vincent: Hey! Homer and Marge in a football stadium without clothes!
Cait Sith and Cid are talking downstairs.
Cait Sith: You're my agent so you'll have to do this.
Cid: I don't care what the hell I have to do as long as I get my 95%
Cait Sith: I want you to get me a role on the TV show Sesame Street.
Cid Laughs
Cid: S**t! I think you've been hitting the alcohol too hard Cait Sith! I'll tell Tifa not to give you any more drinks.
Cait Sith: I'm dead serious, it's been my life-long dream.
Cloud enters
Cloud: Cait Sith, what the hell was Cid laughing about.
Cid: Cait Sith wants to be on…
Cait Sith (through megaphone): It's a business proposition that involves a comedic act! I just tested Cid with one of my routines to see if he agrees. (All windows and bottles shatter)
Cid: /Like hell/
Cloud exits.
Cid: Comedic act my @$$.
Cait Sith: Lets go before Tifa finds out what happened.
Cid and Cait Sith run out of the bar.
Back inside the TV had been shattered by Cait Sith's megaphone.
Barret: $$! Now we won't find out if there was a scandal!
Tifa: At least Cid can't watch the Dukes of Hazard. (Everyone laughs)
Cloud enters.
Cloud: It doesn't matter, Cid and Cait Sith just left to form some sort of business deal.
Yuffie: Good some peace and quiet, unless Red XIII here starts another lecture.
Red XIII: No intention.
Vincent: I thought I heard something after Cait Sith spoke.
Tifa: What's it matter, come on Cloud, I'll fix you a drink.
Everybody else hoots, Tifa and Cloud walk downstairs.
Tifa (yelling): What the hell did that cat do to my beautiful bar!!!
Cloud: Same thing he did to the TV.
Tifa growls, and the door opens. It's the Turks.
Reno: Oh no! The booze!!! (Starts sobbing)
Elena: I knew we should've tried that new place.
Rude: What's it matter, that place was just set on fire.
Everyone looks at him.
Rude: What?
Reno: You did it so I wouldn't drag you there so you could come here and see Tifa.
Rude attacks Reno, Elena attempts to break it up but is dragged into the fight.
Cloud (to Tifa): While they're busy, what say you and I duck out of here and have dinner. It'll calm you down.
Tifa: /Yes!!!/
Cloud and Tifa walk outside to encounter… Sephiroth.
Sephiroth: Cloud, what a pleasant surprise.
Cloud: What do you want Sephiroth?! (Stands in attack position)
Sephiroth: I'm gonna help you to enjoy an evening… alone. I'm still mad at Tifa for when I didn't get my liver and onions.
He then bent Cloud's will.
Cloud: Good idea.
Tifa: Cloud! Snap out of it!
Sephiroth: Go away Cloud.
Cloud (hypnotic voice): I… must… go… away.
Tifa: Cloud! Stop!
Sephiroth: Shall we go?
He then dematerializes with Tifa.
Will Cait Sith get his deal with Sesame Street? Will Cid be able to avoid cancer before the next episode of the Dukes of Hazard? Will Reno get drunk? Will Cloud be able to rescue Tifa? And will Barret and the others be able to fix the TV in time for 3rd Rock from the Sun?
Yuffie: I wanna watch NYPD Blue!
Barret: Shut up! Stuck up $^@#&!!!
Red XIII (muttering): I still think we shouldn't have gotten cable.
Find out next time. Same FF7 time, same FF7 channel.

*Apologies to Kefka for not adding Mount Midgar in the DISCLAIMER.
Read Part 2 Read Part 3
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