Cait Sith's Big Break
Part3 - Rise and Fall
By Dyne

Cait Sith's Theme (Final Fantasy VII)

In the AVALANCHE Hq.

Barret: Damn man, Cait Sith on Sesame Street. How'd he get there?
Vincent: Well, he said to me that he'd be perfect for the show. So he ran upstairs, got Cid, and left.
Red XIII: So that explains it.
Yuffie: Shut up and watch!

On the uh... show, Cait Sith is being introduced by some other characters. (Author's note: Names have been changed so I don't get sued)

Bad Brick: And now boys and girls, we have a new friend joining us today, say hello to Cait Sith.
Cait enters on his moogle.
Cait Sith: Thanks BB, I've always wanted to come here.
Bad Brick: Well you're welcome here anytime.
Cait Sith: So uh... would you like a fortune?
Alamo: Oooohh, Alamo would like a fortune!
Cid (Backstage): $?&!!! I can't believe he's doning this!

At the restraunt.
Waiter: Would you two care for dessert?
Sephiroth: Oooooh yeah. (Notice the sexual inuendo)
Tifa: Uh, no thanks. We'll take the check.
Sephirtoh: Oh, all right. (Pulls out Cloud's credit card)

Cloud and Dav run in with swords drawn.
Cloud: Drop the card Sephiroth!
Sephiroth: (Drops card) Damn!
Waiter: Oh my...
Dav: Shove it! (Points sword at waiter)
Waiter: Yes sir... uh oh, I wet myself...
Tifa: Cloud, why are you here?
Cloud: To whip Sephitroth's @$$ in five secs and save you, duh!
Tifa: I'd rather stay with Sephy. (Cuddles Sephiroth)
Dav: Why does the woman always fall for the evil guy?
Cloud: Oh, I get it, our "love connection" allows you to bend her will also!
Sephiroth: Very good. I suggest you leave immediately.
Dav: Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the... oops that's Simpsons.
Cloud: Give it up Sephiroth!
Sephiroth: Riiight. (Draws Masamune)
Cloud: Oh crap...
Dav (whispers): I've got an idea. (Loudens and points) Hey look, it's Elvis!
Cloud: Huh?
Sephiroth: Where? Where?
Cloud: Get 'im!

A huge brawl occurs in the restraunt as Cloud, Dav, and Sephiroth dish it out. Back at AVALANCHE Hq, Barret, Yuffie, Vincent, and Red XIII start to dose off from watching Cait Sith on TV.

TV (Cait): All right. (Starts to do his little dance)
TV: We interrupt this program to bring you this special report: Rampage in a Restraunt.
Red XIII: It is just me, or do these special report titles keep getting worse?
TV (Reporter): I come to you live from Midgar's 2nd fanciest restraunt where three men appear to be fighting to the death.
B,V,Y+R: What the hell!?
Yuffie: That's Cloud and Sephiroth, but who's the other guy?
TV (Reporter): Something appears to be happening.
TV (Sephiroth): You'll never take me alive!!!
TV (Cloud): Oh yeah? Do it now!
Dav, Sephiroth, and Tifa start doing the Macarena
TV (Cloud): (Slaps forehead) Not that, the other "it"!
TV (Dav): Oh, sorry. (Builds anger) JUSTICE-SLASH!!!
TV (Cloud): OMNI-SLASH!!!
Sephiroth gets thrown by the double limit through the planet.
TV (Sephiroth's voice): Oh S***************************t!!! (Echoes)
Barret: Hell yeah!
TV (Tifa): Huh? What happened?
TV (Dav): Let's jst say you needed a bag of popcorn just now.
TV (Reporter to Cloud): Congratulations! You defeated Sephiroth and saved the Planet! What're you gonna do now?
TV (Cloud): I'm going to Taco Bell! (Picks Tifa up and walks out) And I won't be back for ten minutes!
TV (Reporter): O...kay. What about you sir?
TV (Dav): I think the message to all of the supervillans out there, Kefka, Zeromus, Lavos, the NBC Latenight News with Tom Brokaw, is that you can't win! We're not going to take any of this crap any more!
TV (Reporter): A frank remark from some guy we'e never heard of before. And now back to our schedueled program.
Vincent (dripping with sarcasm): Yipee...

Back at the studio.

Cid (Backstage): Hell yeah! Get 'em Cait! (Pulls out can of hash)
Cait Sith (Yelling through HP shout): Nobody insults my fortunes and gets away with it!!!!
Cait Sith kills every one of the characters. (All windows and cameras shatter)
Director: NO! NO! CUT!!! Sith, you're fired!
Cait Sith: Thank God.
Cid: Tough luck Cait, maybe you could get onto another show. (Preferably a different company).
Cait Sith: Nah, the truth is, I 've had there them song stuck in my head since I was litte...
Author's Reminder: Cait Sith is not a robot in these.
Cait Sith: I've been a slave to it ever since, so I figured the only way to break free is to destroy the cause.
Cid: Well, you did a helluva job.

Back at the bar.

Reno: I think that's all of it.
Rude: Good thing too, your tongue looks pretty bad.
Elena: Yeah, you need a hospital badly.
Reno: I'm fine! I... (passes out)
Elena: Was that due to loss of blood?
Rude: Nah, just to much to drink.
Elena: Oh...
Rude and Elena carry Reno back to the Shinra Building.

One week later... in the Hq.

Dav (wathcing Vincent play Castlevania, notices time): Hey Cloud, it's time for your rendevouz.
Cloud: Hey you're right! (Leaves)
Tifa: What rendevouz?
Dav: Nothing... hey! (Tifa pushes him out and forces him to follow Cloud)
Tifa: You set him up, didn't you?
Dav: It wasn't me, enough pushing already. (The two follow Cloud)
Cid: Who the hell was that guy anyway?
Barret: Da' guy dat helped Cloud whip Sephoroth's sorry @$$ in five secs.
Cid: Oh, right. (Lights a ciggie) You all right Cait?
Cait Sith: Yea, it was nice to get revenge, but show business was fun.
Cid: Like I said, go onto a different show.
Cait Sith: That's it! I'll go onto a different show! Come on Cid! (Runs out draagging Cid with him)
Cid: I'd better get paid this time!

Outside the restraunt.

Dav: Hey Cloud, wait up!
Cloud: Huh? Dav, Tifa, why're you here?
Tifa: Just tell me why...
Dav: We decided to come with you. I made the reservations for you know.
Cloud: Is Tifa your date?
Dav: No.
Tifa: Yes.
Cloud: Fine by me.
Dav (whispers): What the hell was that? Saying I'm your date.
Tifa (whispers): Hey, might as well make the best of it. (Winks)
Dav: (Sweats up a storm)
The three enter.
Dav: Cole, table for four.
Maitre'd: Yes sir, I assume someone will be joining you later?
Dav: Yep. (Slips a 100 gil slip into his pocket)
The three sit at their table waiting for Aeris.
Cloud: So what's Aeris's big surprise?
Dav: I wouldn't know.
Tifa: Aeris? You did set this up!
Dav: No! She did and used me as a messanger!
Aeris (sweetly): Hi Cloud.
Cloud: Hi... yi yi!!!

Aeris steps out of the shadows looking like a clone of Tifa!

C,D+T: Holy s**t! (Run out like hell leaving several tables and dishes wrecked)
Aeris: Waaaaaahhh!
Head Waiter: Excuse me ma'am but I'm afraid you're going to have to pay for this.
Aeris: What? I don't have any money!
Head Waiter: Come with me to the kitchen please.
Aeris: Oh no!

Epilogue


On the set of Fraiser

Cait Sith (whining): Mr. Director, I don't think playing Eddie's chew toy is a good idea!
Cid (Counting money): Relax Cait, I did get you a high paying job didn't I?
Cait: (Sighs)
Director: ACTION!!!
Frasier: Eddie. come here, I bought something for you. (Pulls out Cait)
Eddie: (Chews on Cait)
Cait (Screaming): CID I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cid (Waving Confederate flag): All's well that ends well. (Opens can of hash)

The End...

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