Steve and Caits Friend (The Dopey Duo)
By: Emmy

Scene opens inside a fortress on top of a floating IslandÖ
Cid: (in chains) how the hell did we wind up here
Barret: How the hell should I know
Cid: and why the f**k are we here too
Emmy: Cause I said so! Now stop yer belly ackin
Yuffie: (giggles) Yeah Barret knock it off
Barret: Shut the hell up Materia Whore

At the 7th Heaven Bar
(Steve and Caits Friend are playing Pokemon Stadium on the N64)
Steve (Blastoise): I think Iíll use this (picks skull bash and rams Hypno)
Caits Friend (Hypno): Tequila Man (selects confusion and hit Blastoise and gets him confused)
Steve: (tries Blizzard but winds up hitting himself instead) Damn Confusion (drinks some beer)
Caits Friend: Tequila Man! (uses Hypnosis on Blastoise but it fails)
Steve: Uhhh lets see (picks Hyper Beam and Blastoise actually pulls it off)
Caits Friend: Tequila ManÖ (gets blasted by a hyper beam and gets KOed)
Steve: Lets try this Smash Bros game next
Caits Friend: Tequila Man (switches games)
Steve: Lets see what should we set up
Emmy: Try Damage at 200% and Items at None
Steve: All right (sets it up) Iíll play as Mario
Caits Friend: Tequila Man (picks Luigi and sets it on team battle)
Steve: (picks CPU Mario as his partner)
Caits Friend: (picks CPU DK as partner) (and selects Great Fox level)
Steve: Eat fist skinny man (hits Luigi)
Caits Friend: Tequila Man (sweep kicks CPU Mario)
CPU Mario: (Throws CPU DK)
Steve: (goes up and bashes coins out of DK) Now I can buy another beer (knocks DK off the stage)
Caits Friend: (repeatedly hurls fireballs at mario)
Steve: Ahhhh! (gets burned) Damn 72%
Caits Friend: (knocks Mario off the stage)
Steve: Dammit
CPU Mario: (throws Luigi off)
Caits friend: Tequila ManÖ
(suddenly Mario comes out of the TV)
Mario: Itísa me Mario, whereíd everybody go
Steve: I dunno I think they got caught by some faggots thatís said if we wanted them back to go to their base
Mario: What the hell are you doing here then?
Steve: I forgot where the base was (remembers) oh yeah they said it was on a floating Island base
Mario: FiguresÖbuncha pansies
Steve: Hey lets go there and get them out (runs to the kitchen and grabs a few 6-packs and puts them in a car trunk)
Caits Friend: Tequila Man! (grabs two cases of Tequila bottles and puts them in the car trunk also)
Mario: (gets in the back seat)
Luigi: (pops out) Yea get in back seat so you can f**k off again
Mario: Shut Up you f**kin queer (kicks him back in the TV)
Steve: (gets in the drivers seat) Which one is it (shifts to reverse) this is it (hits the gas and the car goes through the back wall
Mario: Thatís reverse!!
Steve: Opps (shifts to drive) Lets go (hit the gas to the floor and goes through the garage door)

Back at the fortressÖ.
BossMan: So there finally coming release the secret weapon on them
(a door opens and large fat woman named Kelli comes out and starts stomping down the street)

On the roadÖ
Caits Friend: (drinking another bottle of Tequila) Tequila Man!
Steve: Hey what the hellís that up ahead (pointing to a road block) oh shit itís the KKK
KKK: Your not going anywhere!!
Steve: Too Bad dips**t (gets ready to floor the gas pedal but hits the break instead and goes flying out the window)
Mario: Hit the gas not the brake you ding!!
KKK: (laughing at Steve)
Steve: (Gets ups and gets back in the car) laugh at this!!! (floors the gas pedal and runs over the KKK)
Mario: (tosses and fireball that burns the KKK and flips them off) Pricks

Back at the floating fortressÖ.
Dr. Evil: (appears on screen) Is everything set BossMan
BossMan: Yes Sir
Dr. Evil: Good then stand by for my next orders (shouts in back) Mini Me I told you to stop humping the laser!
Emmy: Iím not responsible for any barfing that happens
BossMan: (gets ready to barf)

Back on the road..
Steve: (grabs another beer and drinks it) Were the hell is this place anyway?
Mario: Itís a floating fortress dumbass
Caits Friend: Tequila Man? (points to something ahead)
Mario: S**t its some fat @$$ woman and shes coming this way

Kelli: Iím am the almighty Kelli and nothing can get in my way!! (a fired canonball bounces off her gut) (rips a fart out)
Guys in 2 airplanes: AHHHHHHHHHHH!! (the smell screws up the controls and they crash into a nearby cliff)
Steve: (see Kelli and spits out his beer) Now I think Iím gonna be sick (hits the gas to the floor)
Kelli: You canít get away from me! (reaches down to grab the car)
Steve: Ahhhhhh s**t sheís gonna get us (the car goes right under her in the nick of time)
Kelli: Hey! Come back here! (the back of her pants rip) ah crap (tries standing upright but collapses from lack of air)

Back at the fortressÖ
Dr Evil: What do you mean Kelli lost?!
BossMan: She ran out of air trying to stand up straight
Dr Evil: I will not tolerate this crap!
BossMan: Sir please donít drop me in the lava
Dr Evil: I wonít
BossMan: (relieved)
Dr Evil: Iíll drop you in the magma cave with TD, LD and Don Cornero (pushes a button)
BossMan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! (gets dropped into the fiery cave where TD LD and Don are)
(loud banging noises are heard from the cave)
Dr Evil: Iíll send those guys in the car a little surprise (looks back) Mini Me get a room for you and the laser for godís sake (pushes a button)

Meanwhile downstairs..
Greg: I just heard something up there
Barret: Heard what fooí
Greg: they said their secret weapon was defeatedÖthatís means
Tifa: Someoneís coming to get us out
Cloud: But who?!
Back on the roadÖ
Steve: (gulping down another beer) Hey Is that the place? (points)
Mario: Looks like it. Its up the air so thatís gotta be it
(a laser blast suddenly hits the front of the car)
Steve: Ah s**t!! We got hit!! (hits the brake and goes flying out the window again)
Mario: Well how do we get to the fortress now
RoboGuard(on hoverjet): You ainít going to cause were getting rid of ya (pushes a button)
(all of the RoboGuards and hoverjets blow up)
Steve: What the hell was that?!
Mario: How the hell should I know lets keep going
Caits Friend: Tequila Man! (spots a semi off the road)
Steve: Hey a new ride (grabs the beer out of the truck and put it in the back of the semi)
Caits Friend: (ditto with his tequila)
Steve: (get in and starts it up) Anybody gotta use the john?!
Mario: (gets in) Nope I just went
Steve: (floors the gas pedal and drives off)
Mario: Is it me for does it look like the fortress is going down
Steve: Itís just you
(the semi goes off and ramp and lands on the floating fortress)
Steve: They call this a fortress?! It looks like shit (hits the brake and goes flying out the window)
(guards rush in)
Caits Friend: Tequila Man (throws an empty bottle and knocks out one of the guards)
Steve: (Pours his beer all over the floor)
Guard: (rushes steve but slips on the floor)
Mario: These guards have gotta be stupid as hell to fall for that
Some guards: (slip on the beer)
(more guards come in)
Mario: Dammit there too many of Ďem
(an egg fly out from no where and knocks out a few guards)
Mario: what the hell?! Yoshi?!
Yoshi: (appears) who else (tosses another egg and knocks out two more guards)
Mario: how the hell did you find us?! (sweep kicks a guard)
Yoshi: Luigi says you guys were off somewhere to go rescue AVALANCHE so I decided to warp here
Mario: But how the hell did you get here so fast
Yoshi: Came out of the wrong TV and I was in the back of a semi instead (tosses another egg)
????: (comes out of the back of the semi) Electrode!!
Guards: what the hell?!
Electrode: (bowls through the guards)
Yoshi: where the hell did he come from?!
Steve: Probably from the back of the semi
Mario: (runs at some of the guards but slips on steves beer puddle) Dammit Steve
Steve: opps
Some guards: (go around the semi to ambush the attackers)
????: Licky!! (licks one of the guards)
Guard: Ah s**t Iím paralyzed!! (falls over)
Lickitung: (appears and licks the other guard)
Guard: (has a real funny look on his face and falls over)
Guard Captain: (gets his laser out only to get a tongue in the face)
Lickitung: Licky! (licks him)
Guard Captain: (has a petrified look on his face and falls over)
Mario: Well thatís that
Luigi: (comes out of the TV) Sure took you long enough you no talent F**kers
Mario & Yoshi: SHUT UP D**KIE!!!! (they punt luigi back in the TV and turn it off)
Steve: What the hell are we waiting for (runs in carrying two 6 packs)
Everyone else: (follows Steve inside)
(a big muscle bound oaf appears)
????: You arenít going anywhere
Mario: Says who?!
????: Me Leer!!
Caits Friend: Queer?
Leer: No not Queer LEER
Caits Friend: Queer!
Leer: NO LEER L-E-E-R
Caits Friend: Queer man!!
Leer: DO I LOOK LIKE A F**KIN QUEER TO YOU?!
Everyone: (nods yes)
Leer: GOD DAMMIT (rushes Caits Friend but misses and goes through a wall and knocks himself out)
Mario: Now since that bulls**ts over with lets go
(everyone runs into a big room)
Dr Evil: (appears on a monitor) Welcome to my fortress I am Dr Evil I congratulate you for making it this far but-(stops to pick his nose)- I afraid itís gonna end right here
(a door opens)
Don Cornero: (appears) Címon all I want is a chick
Steve: Too bad you ainít getting one (dumps beer on him and lights a match setting him on fire)
Don Cornero: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT BURNS IT BURNS!! (runs around trying to put the flame out)
Everyone: (laugh at him)
Don Cornero: (gets the fire out) Shoot now Iím gonna have to strip
Mario/Yoshi/Steve: NO!!!!!!!!!
Caits Friend: TEQUILA OF DOOM MAN (summons a tidal wave of tequila and washes up Don Cornero and burns him)
Dr Evil: Dammit Don (monitor goes off)
Mario: Where the hell is he hiding now?!
Yoshi: Probably down there
Everyone: (enters Magma Cave through the open door)
Yoshi: God Dammit thing had to heat up didnít they
Mario: Ainít my fault Iím not the one who make this s**tty @$$ fortress
TD/LD: (appear)
Mario: Great more perverts!!
BossMan: (appears stiff as a statue)
Mario: Holy s**t what happened to him his clothes are all ripped up
TD/LD: We got some thatís what
Yoshi: F**kin perverted sickos! (throws a chair at them)
TD: (Screws the chair)
Caits Friend: Tequila Man! (throws an empty Tequila bottle)
LD: (screws the empty bottle)
Caits Friend: Tequila ManÖ
Mario: buncha dips**ts!
TD/LD: Shut Up!! F**K OFF (they start screwing each other)
Mario/Steve/Yoshi: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! (they puke all over TD and LD)
Electrode: Electrode (rolls next to them and uses explosion)
TD/LD: Oh s**t (they get blown through the roof and into orbit)
Mario: Thatís that
TD/LD: (suddenly come back and crash land)
Mario: What the hell?!
(a UFO appears by the hole in the roof)
Man in UFO: Quit throwing you s**t into space
TD/LD: F**k You (they moon him)
Man in UFO: Ah s**t Iím blind!! (trips over a lever)
UFO: (crashes and kills TD and LD)
Fat B**tard: Oh my Iím gonna have fun tonight
Steve: (runs at Fat Bastard) GROUND BUSTER (bounces off his gut)
Fat B**tard: What the Hell was that?!
Cait Friend: (throws a bottle at him)
Fat B**tard: (the bottle bounces off his gut)
Mini Me: (appears and take out a lit bomb) (gives Caits Friend the finger)
Caits Friend: (grabs an empty bottle) DRUNKEN RAGE!!!! (powers up and beats the s**t out of Mini Me)
Mini Me: (dazed and bumps into fat b**tard)
Fat B**tard: (loses his balance and falls on Mini me)
(the bomb goes off)
Fat B**tard: (rolls over but falls into the lava pit)
Mini Me: (comes out coughing up smoke and falls in too)
Dr Evil: (appears in a giant machine) thatís it Iím taking you all out!!!
(the machine blows up and blows Dr Evil through the wall)
Steve: Hey he dropped this key (picks it up)
Mario: Maybe itís for the prison cell
(they all leave the cave and head for the prison area)
Yoshi: there they are (opens the cell)
Cloud: Itís about time someone go here
Cid: Steve and Caits Friend came?! Holy s**t itís a miracle
Barret: (comes out looking a little hairy)
Mario: What the hell happened to him
Cloud: They fired a laser at him and he got turned into a gorilla
Cid: Now he IS a God damn Monkey
Barret: (shoves a bananna peel up Cidís @$$)
Cid: Ah s**t!! My @$$!! My @$$!! My f**kin @$$!! (runs around trying to get the peel out)
Mario: Now that everyoneís here lets get outta here
Everyone: (runs out and back into the main room)
Dr Evil: Iím not done yet (sitting in a giant laser)
Mario: Is that the one he used on Barret?
Cloud: Yep
Mario: Oh s**t
Dr Evil: (pushes a self-destruct button) Looks like Iím gonna win this war (gets ready to push a button but gets hit by a tounge)
Red: Now we know why you brought him along
Lickitung: Licky!! (licks Dr Evil)
Dr Evil: (goes paralyed) God Dammit
Electrode: Electrode!!! (uses Thunder on Dr Evil)
Dr Evil: (gets fried and falls over)
Vincent: Hey I just noticed two people are missing
Cloud: Tifa and Aeris. Their probably still fighting
Vincent: Iíll go get them (runs off)
Barret: (suddenly turns back to normal) What the hell?!
Cid: You were turned into a gorilla monkey man
Barret: Damn (starts scratching himself)
Vincent: (comes back) Ok now were all here
Cloud: then lets get the hell outta here
(everyone runs out)

In the room where the semi isÖ
Greg: How the hell do we get outta here
Mario: Easy (points to the semi)
Cloud: In that?!
Mario: Hey we drove this thing in here (gets in)
Steve: (gets in)
Barret: Uh are you sure itís safe for that beer drinkin fooí to drive
Mario: Let me put it this way he dove all the way here from back at your place
Barret: Thatís what Iím afraid of
Lickitung & Electrode: (get in the back)
AVALANCHE: (get in the back)
Cloud: (Closes the door) Lets go
Steve: (starts up the semi and shifts in reverse) (hits the gas to the floor)
(the semi goes in reverse at 100 MPH out of the fortress and lands on the cliff nearby)
Kelli: Ah Ha! Thought you could get away from me (charges the semi)
Steve: Oh s**t (shifts in drive and turns the semi around)
Mario: Hurry Up or sheíll get us
Caits Friend: Tequila Man!
Steve: (hits the gas)
Kelli: (misses the semi) Dammit not again (looks up) oh s**t (goes off the cliff and on the top of the self destructing fortress and get blown into orbit) S*********************************T!!!
Barret: Who wouldíve ever though Steve and Caits Friend came to bail us out (is in shock)
Greg: Yeah but donít forget they had help
Cid: One question where did you get this damn Semi from?
Steve: It was left on the side of the road and we used it sinceówell
Cid: Well what?!
Steve: (stops the semi, gets out and points to Cids wrecked car)
Cid: #$&%#$&%#$&%#$&#&#$&#$&#$&#$&#$&#$&#$&#$&#$&#$&#$&#$&$#&#$&%#$&$&#$&#$^&#$&#$&#$&#$^&^&#$%&#@$&#&#^&#&#$^&#$^&#^&#&#&#$^&#$^&#$^&#&$&#&#&#$&#$%&#$%&#$@$&#$&^&&^%&$&#$#$&$&$^$#&#$&#$$%^$^%^%^#$&#^$&%^&%^&^&#$^%^%^$#%^$%^$%^$%^$^$#%^#$%#$%#$%#$%#$%@#$%@#$%#$%@#$%@#$%#$%#@$$#@#@%@#$%@##@#$%@#$%@#$#@%@#$%@#$%@#$%@#$%@#$%#@$%@#$#$%@#$%#@$%@$#%@#$%@#$%#$%$#%#$%@#%#$%@$#%@#$%#$%#@$%@#$%#$#%@#$%@#$%@#$%@#$%#@$##@%@$#%@#$%@#$%#$%#@$%#$%#@$%#$%#$%#$%#$%#$%@#$@#$%@#$%$# GOD DAMN IT
Mario: We were doing fine till some Robo guards came and blasted it
Cid: STEVE YOU DIPS**T!!!!!!
Steve: Uh oh! (runs like hell)
AVALANCHE/Caits Friend/Lickitung/Electrode: (laughing)
(The Great Fox appears)
Yoshi: Itís about time you guys showed
Fox: Yeah no thanks to that f**kin blabbermouth Luigi we head to find another way of getting here since you turned the TV off (looks around) where this flying fortress that he said about
Mario: Itís gone you missed the action
Fox: GOD DAMMIT LUIGI YOU @#$%@#$^%@#$^%@#$^@#^@$#%&%^@$#^%^#^@#^#%^@%^^@^#%^@#%^^@#%^@#^@#%^@#%^@$#^@^@%^@%^@%^@#^@#$%@#$%@#%@#$%@#$%#@$%@#%#@^@#%^@#%^^%^@#%^@#^@#$^@#$^#$#@$%$#%#$%#$%#$%#$%#$%#$@%#$%#%#$%#@$%@#$%#@$%@#$%@#$%@#$%@#$#$%@#$%#$%@#$%@#%#$%@#$%@#$%@#$%#$%@#$%#@$%#@$%#$%@#%@#$%#@%#$%#@$%#@$%@#$%#@$%#@$%#$%#%@#%#$%@#$#%^*&&^#%^^&$^@#$%@#$%@#$%#$%#@$%#$%#$%#$%#$%@#$%#$%#$%#@$%#$#%#%@#%@#$%@#%#$%#$%#$#$#$^#^@@^%@^@^@$#####$###@%#@#@%##%$@%#@##%#^%#^%#$####^%#%#^%#$###%$#^@#^@#%#^#^#^$##$^$#$#$#@%@%#^%#^&###^#%^$#$#^%$$&%$#$$^$^%$^%$^^#$%$^%^%$^$&$^$&$&$$&$$&$^$&$&$$$^%%#&#&#&# STUPID @$$ (blows him away)
Mario: (laughing histerically)
Barret: Holy s**t Fox pulled a Cid
Red: and a good one at that
Cloud: Hey, can this semi and car get put in the ship
Fox: Yep hold on (goes in and gets the ramp)
Mario: (drives and semi in)
Cloud/Greg/Barret/Vincent: (Push the car in)
Steve: (runs up and in the ship)
Cid: (runs in after him)

Later on the way back..
Fox: (puts auto-Pilot on and goes inside)
Cloud: Did anyone know what Dr Evils secret weapon was anyway
Mario: What did you hear about it?
Cloud: I heard it got defeated because it ran out of air trying to get up
Mario: That was Kelli she tried picking up the car but we went right under her and she got stuck bending over the back of her pants even ripped
Everyone: (laughing)
Mario: (still laughing) and she ran out of air trying to get up
Everyone: (laughs even harder)

Meanwhile in outer spaceÖ
Kelli: Iíll be back you havenít seen the last of me!!
Emmy: Wanna Bet?! (opens up a black hole)
Kelli: Ah S**t!!! (gets sucked in but gets stuck)
Emmy: WHAT THE HELL?!
Kelli: Ha! You canít get rid of me that easily!!
Emmy: Iím not through yet!! (snaps fingers)
A Meteor: (flies in and knocks Kelli on the head)
Kelli: (gets unstuck and gets sucked in) Damn You Emmy DAMN YOU
Emmy: (gives her the finger and closes the black hole)

Back in the Great FoxÖ
Steve: (Steps in the cockpit) I wonder what this does? (pushes a big button and goes flying out the window)
Mario: What the Hell?!
Fox: (enters the cockpit and looks out the broken window) No wonder Steve hit the brake button
Mario: Well that wasnít the first time he flew out the window in this fic
Cid: Thatís explains why the window on the car is broken
Cloud: and the one on the semi
Cid: Iím glad that dips**t didnít take the highwind for that wouldíve been busted too.
Caits Friend: Tequila Man
Cait Sith: You said it friend

Later back at the 7th Heaven BarÖ
Greg: Whoís Up for a game of Super Smash Bros?
Cloud: Iím sittin out this time
Steve: Guess Iíll take his place
Mario: I wanna play
Barret: Me too fooí
Cait Sith: Me and Yoshi will score keep
Yoshi: Wait whereís DK
DK: (eating some banannas)
Tifa: Does this answer you question?!
Aeris: Ha Ha
Tifa: Shut Up you Flower Pussy!
Aeris: Kiss my @$$ Double D!
(they start fighting again)
Red: When will those two ever learn
Vincent: Forget it lets just get on with it
Greg: Does 200 Damage and No items sound good?
Mario: Yeah but set it for four lives
Greg: ok (sets it)
Cait Sith: Team battle Greg/Steve vs Mario/Barret
Yoshi: Iíll pick the stage
Greg: Iíll be DK
Steve: I think Iíll try Mario(Yellow)
Mario: You know who Iím gonna beÖMario
Barret: Iím gonna be Kirby
Yoshi: The stage will be the Great Fox
Greg: (selects it) Done
Mario: Yer going down monkey man
Greg: Wanna Bet?! (does the ground slap and Mario/Kirby get blown off the stage)
Barret: What the Hell?!
Mario: Whata crock of s**t
Barret: (sucks in DK and copies him)
Steve: (goes up and bashes coins out of Kirby)
Barret: Damn beer drinkin fooí (winds up fist)
Greg: (winds up fist)
Barret: (Hits Yellow Mario off the stage)
Greg: (hits Red Mario off the stage)
Barret: Yer next monkey boy
Greg: Guess again! (hits kirby with Spinning Kong)
Barret: Ha! Gotta do better than that fooí (gets back on the top and gets blown off by Arwing lasers) God Dammit!!
Steve: (sweep kicks Mario)
Mario: (sweep kicks Mario)
Mario: (bashes coins off Mario)
Steve: (comes back down)
Mario: (bashes Mario again and he goes off the stage) Ha Ha (gets hit by Arwing lasers) Dammit (goes off the stage)
Greg: (hits kirby with a wind up punch)
Steve: (bashes Coins out of Mario)
Mario: (sweep kicks Mario and DK)
Greg: (blocks it and moves away)
Mario: Hold still so I can hit you!
Greg: You think Iím that stupid?! (sweep kicks Mario and Kirby in the air and they get hit by Arwing lasers)
Mario/Barret: PRICK!!
Cait Sith: Greg and Steve win the round with 1
Yoshi: and 0 for Mario and Barret
Lickitung: Licky!! (grabs and eats some banannas with his tongue)
DK: NO!! My Banannas!!
Lickitung: (licks DK)
DK: (has a petrified look on his face) Dammit (goes paralyzed)
Everyone: (laughs)
Electrode: Electrode!
Caits friend: Tequila Man!

The End


(Goes flying out the window) and I didnít have to hit any brakes either!