Final Fantasy VII: The [Un]Official Outtakes File
by Karthesios

Final Fantasy VII and its related matter is propery of Square Co., Ltd.
Kartman and Olivia are property of the me, the author.
Questions? Complaints? Got searing gas pain? E-mail me.

INTRODUCTION
Kartman: "Hello, everyone and welcome to the Ball-n-Chain Junction, and we'd like--"
Olivia: "Um, this fic isn't about us. Rather it's the unofficial Outtakes from Final Fantasy VII!"
Kartman: "With FF9 having been released three months ago, you're probably wondering why we're talking about 7. But this is the only outtake set we could find. And also, I've played FF7 the most, so I--"
Olivia: "Don't give away our secret, Kartman" (smacks him with a gigantic fan) "So, just enjoy the bloopers!!"

[Olivia: "This little bugaboo occured during the scene in Shinra HQ."]
CLOUD: "Locked, locked, locked......What is this......a Megaphone? ...Locked...locked... (reaches blindly into a locker and grabs something. We then see it's a used condom.) Aaaah! Sick!!!" (drops it)
STAGE CREW: (laughing their @$$es off) (Cut)

[Olivia: "But the stage crew wouldn't completely be to blame."]
COREL TOWNSPERSON: "Look at this place! It's all your fault North Corel turned into a garbage heap!"
BARRET: "But......um...Corel's over there......oh, sh!t..." (laughing)
*TAKE 2*
COREL TOWNSPERSON: "Look at this place! It's all your fault North Corel turned into a garbage heap!"
BARRET: "But I......SH!T! Forgot da' lines again!!"
CLOUD (off-screen): "Get with the program!"

[Kartman: "Believe it or not, our own cargo pilot, the queen of Colt 45, Skye Mawhinney was responsible for one blooper!]
(Intro Scene)
COLT 45 DELIVERY TRUCK: (drives past)
AERIS: (Begins walking toward the curb)
SKYE: "Cabbieee...!"
TAXI: "I can't! They're filmin'!"
SKYE: (Pays $5000)
TAXI: "With pleasure!"
(Skye gets in the cab. The car takes off, and hits the boom.)
BOOM MIKE: (Falls right in front of Aeris.)
AERIS: "Get the license of that slum drunk."

[Olivia: "One thing you learn about bloopers is that they can happen anywhere, anytime. We like to call this segment 'Don't open that box!'"]
(Mythril Mine, the box is empty)
CLOUD: "Something's supposed to be here. Yuffie, you stole it!!!"
YUFFIE: (laughing, offstage)

(Sector 6 Sewers) CLOUD: (Lifts the box's lid)
INNER VOICE: "Have Tifa open the box!"
CLOUD: (Motions to Tifa)
TIFA: (Opens the box)
(Suddenly, a Super-soaker pops out and sprays her full blast.)
CLOUD and the STAGE CREW: (laugh their @$$es off)
TIFA (now quite wet): "You dirty little bastard!"
AERIS: "Well, it fits." (quietly laughs to herself)

(Mt. Nibel, near the location of Materia Keeper)
CLOUD: (Opens a box)
TIFA: "Nothing in it..."
CLOUD: "Wait a minute..." (Climbs into the box, and disappears all the way inside it)
TIFA: (Looks at the camera, she has a puzzled look on her face)

(Treasure Chest inside Cid's house)
CLOUD: (Opens the box)
(Suddenly, a rubber hand, fingers in the eye-gouging position, flies out and hits Cloud.)
CLOUD: "Nggahh!" (Reaches into the box)
(A boxing glove shoots out and hits him)
CLOUD: "Oh, a wiseguy, eh!?"
CID: (Laughing his @$$ off, off-camera)

[Olivia: "Also, some events just didn't go down the right way the first time."]

(Ghost Hotel, Gold Saucer)
CLOUD: (Approaches the Item Shop's counter)
MR. HANGMAN: (Drops down, and falls to the floor in a heap) "WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!"
CLOUD: "Um...puppet wrangler?"

(House within City of the Ancients)
CLOUD: "He destroyed my hometown five years ago, killed Aeris, and is now trying to destroy the Planet. I'll never forgive...Sephiroth."
AERIS: "Hey, Cloud, still need to rehearse the Gold Saucer scene-oh, crap you were on...!" (Sweatdrop) "Well, I'll be going now." (walks off the stage, trying not to laugh)
CLOUD: "Ah, she was alright! Just a little scare there...Now for that pesky Meteor thing."
STAGEHANDS: (Laughing)

(Basement of the Shinra Mansion)
SEPHIROTH: "I will go North, past Mt. Nibel. If you wish to find out...then follow." (Hurls the DESTRUCT Materia at Cloud)
Materia: (Hits the floor about two feet in front of Cloud)
CLOUD: "Now I know why his stint as a Mariners pitcher never went over...You gotta have something going for you if you call yourself THE BIG UNIT II!"
SEPHIROTH: (Sweatdrop)

*TAKE 2*
SEPHIROTH: (Hurls the DESTRUCT Materia at Cloud)
Materia: (Barely misses Cloud's head; loud crash can be heard behind Cloud) *TAKE 3*
SEPHIROTH: (Hurls the DESTRUCT Materia at Cloud)
Materia: (Hits Cloud in the 'nads)
CLOUD: (Keels over on the floor in the fetal position) "UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHH!!!!!!"
SEPHIROTH (Raising both arms into the air): "SCORE!!!!"
CLOUD: "You...bastard!"
EVERYONE ELSE: (Laughing their asses off)
TIFA (off-stage): "So much for having kids now..."

*TAKE 4*
SEPHIROTH: (Hurls the Destruct Materia at Cloud)
CLOUD: (Zoned out)
Materia: (Hits Cloud between the eyes)
CLOUD: (Falls over)
AERIS: "Cloud! Talk to me!"
SEPHIROTH: "Remind me to kill you later, too, pinkie!"

[Olivia: "While the end of Disc 1 may be one of the most memorable and heart-wrenching moments ever in an RPG, making the scene was anything but easy. The crew tried more than one method of completing the scene including replacing both Sephiroth and Aeris with life-like dummies at key points in the filming. But some things just aren't destined to work out."]

OLIVIA: "This take was done using a dummy made up to resemble Sephiroth."

AERIS: (Kneeling in prayer at the Water Altar)
SEPHIROTH: (Starts his drop)
(Delay)
SEPHIROTH: (Hits the canopy rim above the altar, his head flies off and hits the camera, knocking it over. The body is slumped over the rim, and the sword drops safely behind Aeris.)
AERIS: "You blew it. You so totally blew it! Now I can survive calling on Holy!"

*TAKE 2*
AERIS: (Kneeling in prayer at the Water Altar)
SEPHIROTH: (Starts his drop)
(Delay)
SEPHIROTH: (splashes down in the water, missing the altar by several yards)

[Olivia: "The crew decided that the best way to complete this scene was to create a CGI mockup of Sephiroth's sword, and add it in at the points where it would be visible."]

*TAKE 3*
AERIS: (Kneeling in prayer at the Water Altar)
SEPHIROTH: (Starts his drop)
(Delay)
SEPHIROTH: (Perfects the landing, gets the sword motion right.)
AERIS: (Doesn't move)
DIRECTOR: "CUT!!!!! Aeris, you're supposed to sell the attack, not sit there!"
AERIS: "Wha, wha!? Oh, you're filming!" (quickly and awkwardly mimics the attack motion)
SEPHIROTH: "I thought it was only that forest that slept."

*TAKE 4*
SEPHIROTH: (Kneeling in prayer at the Water Altar)
AERIS: (Starts the drop, replacing Sephiroth)
(Delay)
AERIS: (Perfects the landing, gets the sword motion right.)
SEPHIROTH: "Uuugh, they got me!" (keels over)
DIRECTOR: "CUT!!!!! What're you two doing!?"
AERIS: "I dunno." (starts nudging Sephiroth with her foot)
SEPHIROTH: "........."

[Olivia: "Disc 2, even though it went by much quicker than Disc 1, was nonetheless very eventful. This only meant more work for the director to get everything right. Here, we'll provide a sampler of the things that didn't go quite as planned."]

(Mideel, Cloud's coma)
TIFA: (enters the clinic to find Cloud) CLOUD: (Zoned out, in the wheelchair. Instead of being spiky, his hair is down-- it resembles a blond Dias Flac hairdo, just a bit shorter.)
TIFA: "Cloud! Clo--what the f**k?" (leaves the building laughing)
CLOUD: "My...hair...My..Viagrogaine..."

(Junon, after Meteor first appears)
DIRECTOR: "ACTION!"
(Delay)
DIRECTOR: "CUT! LOCKHEART!!! LOOCCCKHEEAARRRTT!!!!"
(Cameras are taken backstage to Tifa's dressing room.)
(The door opens and inside, we see Tifa stuffing tissue down her top. We see 7 empty boxes on the floor.)
TIFA: "DON'T LOOK AT MEEE!!!!"

(Corel, the train chase)
TRAIN: (Speeds around a bend in the track on the mountain side, then races down a downhill stretch)
(Suddenly, a giant foot steps on the train crushing it).
DIRECTOR: "CUT!!"
(Another look shows that a technician crushed a model train set by stepping on it.)

[Olivia: There are many more outtakes to be seen, but we don't have time to show all of 'em. Keep in touch and we'll bring more!]


This link took six takes before we got it right.