FF7 #1: Total Boredom
By Gabe Ricard

     "@#$%$% I'm bored!" announced Cid. Then the TV blared "Next up a 24 hour Dukes Of Hazzard marathon!!" "Oh hell yea!!" exclaimed Cid popping open a can of Lipton Brisk Ice Tea. Barrett, Yuffie, and Red XIII all groaned. "Cid no one likes the @#$^%^ing Dukes of Hazzard" cried Barrett in a futile attempt at getting Cid to miss his favorite show. Cid took a long drink of his ice tea and was about to retort when Tifa came down on the pinball machine elevator and walked into the room. "Hey guys!" she smiled "Who's watching the bar?" asked Red XIII. "Marlene" replied Tifa. Yuffie shook her head " That's right have a five year old little girl watch the bar you really want keep that liquor license don't you?" she asked dripping with sarcasm. At that moment Cloud, Vincent Aeris and Cait Sith came down. Cait pounded the giant moggle he was sitting on "Noooooo not the Dukes any thing but that I wanna watch Seseame Street!!"     "Too bad cat I'm going to watch Rap City!!" Vincent brushed his cape back "While we are at it I would like to watch Buffy." Cid looked around angry at the mere notion of having to miss even a second of his favorite show. "The @#$%$^%^ you all are!!" he cried "Its on the $%^&ing Dukes of Hazzard and that's where its gonna stay so tough ^%$#%^$#ing luck!!!!!." He finished off his ice tea "Besides I have the remote." "Oh YEA WELL THAT'S GONNA CHANGE!!!!" cried Barrett leaping onto Cid and pounding on him. A few moments later Yuffie, Vincent and Cait Sith jumped into it with Red continuing to sit quietly in the corner. Cloud, Tifa and Aeris all exchanged glances and went back up to the bar. As they all lazily sat around trying tot hink of something to do. Then out of nowhere the door opened and a boy probably 18 walked in. Cloud looked up "Who are you?" "I'm Gabe Ricard the fan fic author" replied Gabe who was wearing black jeans and a Nine Inch Nails shirt. "What are you doing here?" asked Tifa. "Well" began Gabe "My real life sucks so I thought I would put myself into the story." "Oh…" replied Tifa sitting back down. "Where is everyone?." Asked Gabe. "Fighting over the TV remote downstairs" replied Aeris. Gabe nodded "Well I'll go downstairs and see if they all killed each other." With that Gabe got onto the elevator and headed down with Tifa following. Gabes guess proved to be right as everyone was busted up and battered in some way. Barretts gun arm was rammed down his throat, Yuffie was stuffed into the ceiling and Cid had his Venus Gospel stuck in his back and Vincent was lying face first on the ground. "Barrett pulled the gun arm out of his mouth "Who are you?" he asked. "Gabe Ricard the fan fic writer" replied Gabe. Everyone got up and Barrett pulled Yuffie out of the ceiling Gabe and Tifa headed back upstairs with everyone but Cid following. Cid looked around and glared cluthcing his bloody shoulder "@#$% em I'm gonna watch the #@@$%ing Dukes!!!" With that he pushed the Tv back up and sat back to relax.

     "What should we do? Sighed Tifa trying hard not to fall asleep. "Perhaps we should go see a movie" suggested Vincent. "Maybe" said Cloud. Aeris got up "I'll go get a paper" she reached behind the bar and pulled out the latest addition of the Midgar Times. She laid down the list of movies on the table and everyone leaned down to try and looked for a movie that would seem interesting but no one found anything they liked. "There's nothing good in here!" whined Yufffie. Vincent slapped the back of her head "Thank you captain obvious" Yuffie only glared. Now with nothing to do everyone sat around. Red XIII went back to a corner to sleep Cait Sith also fell alseep on his moggle. Yuffie kept dosing off and waking back off and Gbae Cloud Aeris and Tifa played Poker. Barrett with Marlene on his shoulder was ordering a pizza. A few minutes later the door burst in and everyone jumped to life as Sephiroth came in. "Sephiroth?!?!?" exclaimed Cloud in shock. Sephiroth looked around the room and sighed "Who ordered the pizza" he asked dryly. Barrett grabbed his wallet     "I did how much?" "Lets see" thought Sephiroth aloud "how about 560,000,000,678,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 gill plus tip bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah" Barrett in a rage blew Sephiroths left shoulder off while Cid who had came up stairs rammed his Venus Gospel down Sephiroths throat. Gabe grinned and stood up "Watch this" he turned to Sephiroth "Sep" he began "Take the spear out of your mouth and shove it into your forhead" Sephiroth pulled the spear out of his mouth beamed and rammed nearly the entire thing into his head then stumbling out the door. Gabe turned to the shocked Avalanche " Too bad someones gonna run up to Sephiroth and shove a small tactical nuclear weapon up his @#%$" Avalanche looked outside and sure enough a man came out of nowhere and shoved the mall tactical nuclear weapon up Sephiroths !@#$%. Sehiroth crying like a little girl placed a cure materia over his @!#$$ and flew away. Cloud looked at Gabe in shock "I guess the authors really do have a lot of power in their fan fics" Gabe nodded "yea I know" "Lets goto Disney Land" suggested Aeris for no apparent reason. Since no one had anything better to do it was decided they would go to Disney Land. Hoping into the buggy they sped off

     "Hey we're here already" commented Cid impressively as Avalanche got out of the buggy. "Another of the many powers possessed by the author" Gabe grinned. "Hey" said Barret who had left Marlene at Rocket Town with Shera who Cid recently married. "What the %$#@# is this?" he remarked as everyone looked up and saw the Disney land sign replaced with a Shinra Land sign. After a few moments of stunned silence Yuffie broke the silence with something intelligent and insightful "Oh my god Shinra has taken over Disney Land!!"     Vincent slapped the back of her head "Thank-you Captain Obvious" Yuffies eyes bulged out as she bolted around "STOP THAT!!!!" she cried angrily. "Well" sighed Cloud "As long as we're here we may as well check it out" Cloud announced crossing his arms. "Hey Cloud take me on a ride" she begged jumping right in front of him. Tifa shoved Aeris away and glared "No me!." She begged.
"That's it!" yelled Tifa spearing Aeris and getting in a brawl with her. Cloud shook his head contemplating whether or not his should glance at the singles section again. The group left Tifa and Aeris to brawl and walked up to the ticket booth." "Ten tickets please" asked Cloud reaching into his wallet to get the gill. "Ok" said the ticket man "That's gonna cost you 4500000000000000000 gil and an Adult movie featuring Tifa, Aeris, and a horse." "WHAT?!?!" yelled cloud more annoyed at the request for lots of money rather then the adult movie." The man stuck his head out of the booth and revealed it to be Rude. He laughed like a madman something, which no one in Avalanche had actually seen before. Vincent decided to take answer he morphed into Hellmasker and sliced Rudes left arm off with the chain saw. Rude wet his pants in pure terror then ran out of the booth carrying a Cure materia. "Now we get in for free!" exclaimed Cait Sith as the ten walked in Aeris and Tifa a little bruised having caught up with the group as both where too bruised up to continue to fight and where resorted to merely shooting vicious glares at one another.

     A few minutes later Avalanche where greeted by someone dressed up in a costume that was a mix of Mickey Mouse and Chucky Cheese. "Hey everyone" he exclaimed in a suspiciously familiar voice "Welcome to Shinra land hope you have a good time bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahah." As he continued to laugh he took off the head to reveal Sephiroth. !@$% you get around remarked Barrett surprised that Sephiroth was already back. "Have fun hahahaha-" "Shut the $$##@# up" yelled Gabe pulling out a grenade stuffing in the head and forcing the head back onto Sephiroth who ran a few feet before a small explosion rocked from the inside of the head. Sephiroth stumbled around a bit then flew up into the air and disappeared. After several minutes of laughing Cloud folded his arms and turned to face the group "Lets split up and meet back here in a few hours." Everyone nodded and ran off as Yuffie went with Vincent, Cait Sith and Red XIII went alone, Barrett went with Cid and Tifa, Cloud, Aeris and Gabe all went together.

     As Barret and Cid walked through Shinra-Land they came to a throw the ball through the milk bottles stand. "Hey" asked Cid picking up a ball to try his luck "I thought Disney Land was a huge theme Park and resort." "It was" came a voice hidden in the shadows of the booth "Till Shinra bought out the area and turned it into a piece of #@$% carnival while still charging the original price!!!" The man came out of the shadows to reveal Reno. "Here try the game" he smirked. Cid who already had a ball shrugged and tossed it as it should have gone straight though but instead bounced off it" after the same thing happened with the other two shots Cid glared in frustration and anger "This $@!#$ing game is fixed!!!" Reno threw a ball up in the air and caught it "Care to try again?" Barrett had enough "Shut up foo!!" He yelled blowing Renos kneecaps off. Reno said nothing and just dropped to the ground twitching and mumbling. Cid who had gained a little respect for the man he called MR Tjr on a number of occasions laughed as he and Barrett walked off.

     Cloud, Gabe, Aeris and Tifa walked though another section of the seemingly endless carnival they soon came to the tunnel of love" Tifa reacted before Aeris did "Oh Cloud take me on!" Aeris shoved her out of Clouds sight "No cloud take me!"
"Me silicone queen!!"
"THAT'S IT!!!" Tifa speared Aeris and got into another brawl with her. Cloud looked at Gabe then looked down at the catfight. "How about I just take BOTH of you on?" he suggested. Both girls got up and nodded eagerly. "I'll wait here" Cloud and the girls paid and went in while Gabe stood and waited.
Gabe yawned and looked at his watch. Just then Rob Zombie and Jackie Chan walked up to Gabe. "Hey guys" said Gabe a little surprised. "Hey" replied Rob Zombie while Jackie Chan merly nodded silently. At that moment Cloud, Aeris and Tifa emerged from the tunnel of love. "Boy it was dark in there" remarked Cloud. "Hey cloud" smiled Tifa "Thanks for giving me tounge in there." Aeris's eyes widened "The !@#$%& he did he gave ME tongue AND grabbed my ass!" she retorted. They both shot their glares to Cloud who looked blankly at them "I don't know what you're talking about" he said "I never grabbed anyone's ass or gave them tongue." Tifa and Aeris realizing at that moment what had happened turned pale white and looked away. Cloud ignored them and turned to Gabe 'What's Rob Zombie and Jackie Chan doing here?" he asked."Oh they joined our party" replied Gabe. Cloud shook their hands and nodded "It's an honor!" "What should we do next?" asked Gabe.

     Red XIII walked through the carnival finding nothing that interested him. He then saw Cait Sith with a small crowd gathered before him. Red got a little closer and saw that true to his nature that for only 1000 gil Cait would tell them their future. Red XIII ignored the spectacle and continued walking until he came to a house of mirrors. Determined to do something at the carnival he walked in. After a few minutes of walking though the mirrors and seeing himself in all the bizarre shapes he decided he had had enough. As he tried to leave however he walked into a mirror. "That's funny" he thought "I could have sworn this was the way out ah well" he walked in another direction but instead walked into another mirror. Getting a little frustrated he tried every direction but couldn't find the way out. Red XIII was by now in a rage and began Sled Fanging in all directions. Soon the entire hall of mirrors was reduced to nothing. Exhausted Red looked at the piles of broken glass and walked out deciding he had had enough "fun" for one day.

     As Gabe, Tifa, Cloud, Aeris, Jackie Chan and Rob Zombie walked though Shinra Land they soon came to Rufus Shinra who was dressed as a security guard. "Why are you dressed like that when you own Shinra?" asked Cloud. Rufus was silent then said 'This is my way of staying in touch with the people." "Very admirable" said Tifa speaking for the first time in several minutes. "But we are still going to kill your sorry ass" said Gabe. With that Jackie Chan nailed Rufus with a furious 450 hit combo then tossed him into Rob Zombie who nailed him with his guitar. Then Gabe pulled out a crowbar and when he was done Rufus lay broken battered and bloody. Just then Elena and Heidbennger ran past Avalanche and to Rufus's side. Heidbennger looked up at Avalanche and begun to sob uncontrollably. "Oh quit your whining," said Aeris kicking Heidbennger away. Elena then blew Cloud a kiss and tried to run away but had her head kicked off by Tifa to reveal a robot. "Holy @#$$ Elena's a robot!" exclaimed Gabe in surprise "What a shock" replied Cloud. Heidbennger continued to cry till finally Gabe yanked him up and pushed him into jackie chan who unleashed the dreaded touch of death on Heidnbennger killing him instantly. As the heros decided what to do next they saw several security guards dragging Vincent and Yuffie away.

     Cloud and the others ran in front of the guards to see what was the problem. "What's going on here??" demanded Cloud annoyed. One of the guards turned to the group "This guy right here is under arrest for attacking small children and biting their necks. This one" he continued pointing at Yuffie is under arrest for indecent exposure, Assault with a deadly weapon, 3 accounts of assault and battery, 5 accounts of GTA, 18 accounts of burglary resisting arrest and attempted murder." As cloud shook his head Tifa leaped into the air and nailed one of the guards with a Dolphin Dive. Rob Zombie twisted another head off. Then Aeris used a bolt 3 spell to take out two and Gabe and Jackie Chan worked together to take out the rest of them. As everyone quickly walked away from the scene Cloud turned to Yuffie and glared "Indecent exposure?" "Don't ask" replied Yuffie looking down at the ground in order to avoid looking into anyone's eye. Before Cloud could question Yuffie further and then Vincent     Cid, Barrett, Cait Sith, and Red XIII where spotted by Tifa.

     "Lets burn this #@!$ hole down!" suggested Cid as Avalanche, Rob Zombie and Jackie Chan stood at the entrance to Shinra Land to decide how to finish up an uneventful day. "Good idea Cid" replied Cloud as everyone walked to the buggy "But how?" he asked. "Gimmie a minute" yelled Cid as he ran off and a few minutes later everyone looked up to see the highwind overhead. The ship went directly over Shinra Land and dropped several thousand gallons of Gasoline onto Shinra Land. Cid then jumped out of the highwind which rose up and flew back into the direction it had come from. Cid took a deep breath then produced a match "Someone needs to take this match drop it into Shinra land and run like hell." Silence filled the parking lot before Jackie Chan and Rob Zombie volunteered for the task. Rob Zombie and Jackie Chan walked up to Shinra Land which was flooded in Gasoline and after what seemed like a moment of hesitation dropped the match in and before they could escape where engulfed in a huge cloud of fire from which Avalanche was barely able to escape.

     By the time they got back to Tifas 7th Heaven it was quite dark. "Want to stay the night?" offered Tifa. Gabe nodded "Yeas sure but where can I go?" "Not my house" said Cid "There's no room." "He can sleep downstairs in the TV room." Said Tifa ending all arguments. "So Cloud" asked Aeris "Who are you going to sleep with tonight?" At that moment Gabe went down with Yuffie,Vincent and Red XIII     to to watch TV as the war between Tifa and Aeris continued to rage upstairs.


Authors Note
     When I played FF7 I knew I wanted to write fan fiction on it. This story is over a year old and was when I wrote it I was a huge fan of a particular web sites FF7 series and when i wrote my first fan fic I wanted to copy that style. Since then My FF7 series is at #41 with over 325 pages worth of stories. In that time I have found my own writing style which mixed in a lot of different things I liked. This story when I look back on it was not very original or good. Which is why I have made several changes from my original rough draft. Thank you for taking the time to read this all comments are welcome at gothglam_666@hotmail.com. If you would like to put this story on your website I ask two things. One please tell me so I can go see for myself. Two please give me credit for it. Thanks again for reading this and I look forward to publishing all of my fan fiction.

Gabe Ricard
President of Goth Glam writing publications inc.

Not bored with this are you?