Final Fantasy 7 on the Dating Game
By: Rude

Host: Hello, and welcome to the show. The name's Michael Grant and I'm your host for today. Let's welcome our first contestant, the ruler of all things pink and fuzzy, Aeris Gainsborough!

Aeris: Hey, weren't you on that talk show?

Host: Yeah, well, when one of your guests gets decapitated it tends to get you fired.

Aeris: Oh.

Host: Let's meet our bachelors for today. Aeris please put your headphones on for this segment. Uh, those are cheeseburgers not headphones. There you go.

Host: Bachelor number 1 is a gun armed, Mr. T, wannabe. Everybody welcome Barret Wallace!

Barret: Don't mess wit me foo'!

Host: Barret, don't you have a daughter?

Barret: Only in the game foo'!!

Host: Okaaaaaaay, well, let's meet bachelor no 2, everyone favorite spiky haired ninny, Clod Stripe!

Cloud: Dammit can't you just get my name right!!!!!!!!

Host: Yeesh, don't bite my head off. Well, let's meet bachelor number 3, everyone favorite smokin, swearin, spear holdin pilot, Cid Highwind!

Cid: Gotta light?

Host: Yeah here you go.

Host: Well our prize for today is a hairstyling by one of the most famous hairstylists of all: Jose Eber!

Aeris: Ooooh goodie!

Host: Well Aeris, fire away.

Aeris: Okay, Bachelor no 1, We're at a nice romantic movie, but the people behind us are blabbing their heads off, what do you do?

Barret: What you talkin about foo'!? I ain't gonna go ta no romantic movie wit cha'!

Aeris: Okay, Bachelor number 2 same question.

Cloud: I'm running out of hair gel do you have any.

Aeris: Uh, huh. Well, bachelor number 3?

Cid: I'll blast em to pieces with the Highwind.

Aeris: Okay, a bit drastic, but it's the best answer so far. Okay bachelor No. 1. Uh, it's our first date and we're at a fancy restaurant, but the waiter is totally ignoring us. What do you do to get his attention?

Barret: I blast his (there's about 4 minutes of beeping) head off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aeris: (sits in stunned silence for another 4 minutes) Okay, I'm afraid to ask, but bachelor no. 2?

Cloud: (Sits there trying to fix his drooping spike)

Aeris: Bachelor no 2?

Cloud: (Still totally ignoring Aeris)

Aeris: I'll get back to you bachelor no. 2. Uh, bachelor no. 3?

Cid: I fly you to a different restaurant.

Aeris: Wow... the only halfway normal answer this whole entire show.

Cid: And then I blast it to pieces Hahahahahaha!!!

Aeris: Aw, crap.

Host: Well Aeris it's time "2" make your decision on who "2" pick.

Aeris: Oh, so if I take "2" much time I won't be able "2" go out on a date with one of these guys.

Host: You've got it.

Aeris: Then I pick... bachelor no. 2!

Host: Then meet your date, Cloud Strife!

Cloud: Hey, you got my name right.

Host: The both of you will go on a fabulous date where you will get your hair done by Jose Eber!

Cloud: But I like my hair the way it is.

Host:(While pushing Cloud offset) Believe me Cloud this is for the good of humanity.

Host: Well that's our show for today.. what? (talking to man off camera) We still have fifteen minutes left? Well I'll just go get a cup of Joe. (Starts to run away, but two men grab him. The camera turns and lots of screaming and punching can be herd.)

Cameraman: We'll be right back.

Commercial break.

So I'm not original enough to come up with my own commercial. So sue me! Well not really.

Host: (With a patch on his eye and a bandage over his head) We're back with contestant no. 2. Everyone meet the man who has read way too many Dracula books, Vincent Valentine!

Vincent: Hello Michael.

Host: That sounds way too creepy. Well Vincent put your head phones on so we can meet our single women.

Authors Note: I don't know how to spell bachelorettees (see!) so I'll just call them single women.

Host: Woman No. 1. Is the Materia stealing, (another half minute of swearing) bitch we all love to hate, Yuffie Kisaragi!

Yuffie: Materia! Materia! Materia!

Host: Uh, huh. Woman No. 2 used to own a bar in Midgars sector 7. Meet Tifa Lockheart!

Tifa: Where's Cloud?

Host: And finally, here's contestant No. 3, who's favorite color is red, Scarlet!

Scarlet: Hi there good lookin.

Host: This just keeps gettin wierder and wierder.

Host: Okay Vincent, shoot.

Vincent: (Starts to pull out his gun)

Host: Not literally!

Vincent: Okay, Woman No. 1...

Yuffie: Materia! Materia! Materia!

Vincent: ...I'll get back to you. Woman No. 2..

Tifa: Where's Cloud?

Vincent ...Hmmph! Woman No. 3...

Scarlet: Hi there good lookin.

Host: Well Vincent it looks like the authors creative juices have sprung a leak, so well just draw names out of a hat.

Host: And the winner is... Yuffie?

Yuffie: Yayyyy! Materia! Materia! Materia!

Author: No way is Yuffie going to survive through this fic!

(A Bolt of lightning comes out of nowhere and leaves a crater where Yuffie was standing)

Host: That was a lame way to kill Yuffie... Well, that's our show for today, don't bother tuning in next week your brain's mush already!

Vincent: What about my date?

Host: What about it?

Or is it really?

Disclaimer: Any resulting heart problems from reading this fic are purely coincidental. The refered to characters, airships, and clumsy WEAPONS are property of Square and even if I tried to make money off of this it would be a miracle if I did.

Poor Vincent... then again it would've been worse if he HAD dated Yuffie. Head back?