FF7 on Poke`mon Island 2
by: Dave (Cloud)

Final Fantasy is copyright Squaresoft, Inc.
Dragonball Z is copyright FUNimation Productions
Sailor Moon is copyright it's respected creators

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Before I begin, I would like all Poke`mon fans out there to understand that I HATE Poke`mon, but I respect your opinions about the show. In return, I would ask that you would also respect my opinions as well. Thank you.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Since this isn't part of the saga, Dav Cole and Sailor Mercury will not appear in this fic....
Crowd: BOOOOO!!!! (begins throwing vegetabels and beer bottles at me)
Cait's friend: Tequila man! (throws tequila bottles at me)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Would all of you b*****ds stop it!?!?!? They'll return in Nightmare at Gold Saucer 3!
Crowd: (cheers)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Anyway, a message by me... screw this Author's Note thing, I'm using my real name! (I revert in the fic) Whahahahaha!!
Dave: Anyway, EAT THIS, SAFFRON CITY!! Whahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!
Stupid Poke`mon fan: Why are you so mean to Poke`mon?
Dave: 'Cause I can be!!!
Stupid Poke`mon fan: That's a piss poor excuse, bucko!!
Joe: (parachutes from his bomber) That's my line!! (shoves a grenade down the Poke`mon fan's throat and blows him to hell)
Dave: LOOOSSEERRRR!!!!
Crowd: (cheers louder)
Dave: Anyway, enjoy the fic everyone!!!

I want to be the very best
Nuker there ever was.
To nuke them is my real test,
To kill them is my cause!
I will travel across the land, nuking far and wide
For each Pokemon to understand,
The bomb is inside!
Pokemon! Gotta nuke 'em all!
When I have to pee, I know it's my destiny!
Pokemon!
Oh, you're not my friend,
In a world I won't defend!
Pokemon! Gotta nuke 'em all!
It's sooo true!
Joe Nagah will pull us through!
You look at me and I'll kill you,
Pokemon!
Gotta nuke 'em all! Gotta nuke 'em all!
POKEMON!!!!!

At AVALANCHE Hq, it's a normal day as the crew watches TV and relaxes...

Barret: Sheet foo's!! There's nuthin' on da' tube!!
Cloud: There's bound to be something on! I mean, come on, it's TV!
Cait Sith: Cloud's right, change the channel.
Cid: Whould you all shut up!! (flips to channel 3)
Tifa: Here's something good!!
Red XIII/Cloud/Cid: AHHHHHHH!!! A SOAP OPERA!!!
Cait's friend: TEQUILA MAN!! (hides under the couch)
Yuffie: YAH!! My favorite kind of shows!!
Aeris: I thought you like the Teletubbies, Yuffie.
Yuffie: Ever since Tinky Winky was shot and blamed for treason, I stopped watching it!! I felt it was a bad influence on me!!
Vegeta: About f**kin' time!!
Tifa: Quiet! This is a good soap opera!!
Vegeta: Tifa, seem to be forgetting something.
Tifa: What?
Vegeta: No soap opera is good!! They're all evil!!
Aeris: That's the way to talk to Double D, Vegeta!!
Tifa: Grrrrrr.........
Barret: You go foo'!!
Cait's friend: Fejita man!
Cloud/Cid: Damn right!!
Cait Sith: You go, Brother Vegeta!
Red XIII: (farts) Yeah, even Bugenhagen would agree with you on that one.
Cloud: Bugenhagen? What's that old fart been up to anyway?
Red XIII: He's dead! Remember? That's how I got my Limited Moon!!
Cloud: Sorry, I was thinking about Tifa when he died.
Red XIII: You have no respect for elders, Cloud.
Cait Sith: NO s**t, Sherlock!
Vincent: ................. What's a soap opera?
Everyone: (gives Vincent a blank stare then starts laughing their heads off)
Vincent: Why is everyone laughing at me?
Aeris: You don't know what a soap opera is?
Cid: Whatta you've been doing all of this time? Making more s**tty tarts so we can gag all night!?!?
Vincent: (turns into Hellmasker) Stop making fun of my tarts!! GGGRRRRR!!! (chases Cid around while laughing his @$$ off)
Cid: This utterly sucks!!!
Barret: I bet it does foo'!
(suddenly, the TV goes crazy)
TV: (announcer) We interrupt this soap opera which should never be on TV in the first place, for breaking news....
Tifa/Yuffie: (faces turning red because they're tired of people dissing soap operas)
Cait Sith: Whoop-dee s**t!
Cloud: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING!!!!
Vegeta: Change the channel before I die just hearing the announcer!
Cid: (now back on the couch) Wait a minute, this might be good!
Red XIII: Hey where's Vincent?
Cid: He's being.... occupied right now.
Cait Sith: Damn! That's evil!

Meanwhile, Outside...

Ramza: Wait for me!! I wanna come to Taco Bell also!
Vincent: Shut the hell up! I am...... HELLMASKER!!! (slices Ramza in half)
Ramza: (comes back together like the T-1000) Hey! That was mean! I don't like you anymore!
Delita: Ramza, you coward!! (punches Ramza in the nose) You can't catch me!
Ramza: Delita! Come back here! I will not disgrace my family!
Vincent: Damn! I didn't get to kill them! Oh well, there might be something good on TV so I'll join the rest of the crew! (heads back in the Hideout)

Back in the hideout...

Cait's friend: Tequila man!!
Cait Sith: Shuddap already or we'll send you to Rehab!
Cid: We already tried that, and it wound up Aeris marrying Fejita for brains over there!
Vegeta: (blasts Cid's @$$ across the bar)
Tifa; Next time, it might turn out that Yuffie gets a boyfriend!
Yuffie: Really? Let's go back to Rehab then!!
TV: (announcer) EXCUES ME!! I SAID WE HAVE BREAKING NEWS!!
Cloud: We heard you already, dips**t!! (slices the TV in half)
Everyone: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Cloud: Whoops...
Vegeta: You just ruined a night of TV for us!! Damn you!!
Barret: You foo' Cloud!
Cait's friend: Tequila man!!!
Cloud: Hey! It's the announcer's fault!!
Aeris: Yeah right! I can't believe you would do that, destroying innocent TVs like that!
Cloud: Hey, s**t happens.
Cait Sith: Not this time! Get him, moogle!
Moogle: (pounces on Cloud and starts beating the crap out of him)
Cloud: AH!! My hair's getting messed up!! Damn you, moogle! (throws the moogle across the room, where it lands on Cid)
Cid: Ack!! (is knocked unconscious)
Red XIII: Take a whif, Cloud!! (lets a sloppy, wet fart out)
Cloud: Wait a minute!! Your all forgetting something!
Barret: What's dat foo?
Cloud: It's all Yuffie's fault!!
Vegeta: Hey! Your right! She is the one who has brought evil to our world, by watching Teletubbies and soap operas, she has poisoned our minds and has manipulated us into thinking it was Cloud who destroyed the TV, but, in reality, it was her all along!! LET'S KILL HER!!!
Cait's friend: Tequila man!!
Cloud: I'm all for it!!
Cait Sith: Let's do it!
Yuffie: Oh no!! I better run!!
Barret/Tifa: ATTACK!!! (all gang up on her)
Yuffie: I regret nothing! (dies)
Cloud: Ah! That was fun! Let's go to Sears and by a new TV.
Joe: (comes bursting into the Hideout) Hey guys, guess what?
Red XIII: Your were abducted by aliens?
Joe: No, stupid! The TV just said that Pikachu has taken control of Saffron City and is planning on taking over the world by re-airing Poke`mon!!
Everyone: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Aeris: Vegeta, do something!
Vegeta: There's only one thing we can do. We have to go to Saffron and destroy Pikachu, and then nuke Saffron itself!! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!
Cloud: Good idea! Let's mosey people....
Cid: (instantly becomes conscious) Damn! Again! Stop saying it like a wimp! Can't you say move out or something?
Cloud: (ignoring Cid) Let's mosey....
Cid: Damn! Again! For the second time, stop saying it like a wimp! Can't you say move out or something!
Cloud: Shut the hell up, Cid!

The crew all boards the Highwind and fly off toward Saffron City...

Meanwhile in Saffron City...

Ash: All hale the great Pikachu!
Citizens: HALE PIKACHU!!
Pikachu: Pika! PIKA!
(in the back of the crowd)
Jessie: This is great! If we can overthrow Pikachu, Saffron City is ours for the taking!!! Look out, Pikcahu, because Team Rocket is gonna kill you!!
James: (drunk as Reno and in the voice of Darth Vador) Jessie! I am your father!
Jessie: Shut the hell up, you drunken b*****d!!! (kicks James in the nuts)
James: (still in the voice of Darth Vader) Ah! My Poke'balls! Ah!
Old women on crowd: Your nasty sonny, you know that!!
James: (still drunk) Doing a dance, make a little love, get drunk tonight! Yee ha!! Ride 'em cowboy!
Jessie: (kicks James in the nuts again)
James: Ack! (passes out)
Jessie: Anyway, this plan is simple, yet, deadly. I will have my secret Poke'mon here, fight Pikachu to the death! Whahahahaahahahahahahahhahaha!!

(back up front)

Ash: Oh great Pikachu! What shall we do that will please you?
Pikachu: Pikachu!
Ash: The leader said go kill all who oppose him and also to get him some doughnuts!
Pikachu: Pika! Pika!
Ash: Are you sure you want me to tell the crowd that?
Pikachu: PIKA! PIKA!
Ash: Okay! Okay! The leader said he farted.
Pikachu: Pikachu!
Crowd: (laughs their heads off)
Fat guy: Hahahahahahahahahahaha!! Pikachu farted! What a weinie!
Crowd: Booooooooo!!! (gangs up on the fat guy)
James: So... hic!..... Jessie, you wanna.... hic!...have some.... hic!....beer?
Jessie: Dammit!! Can't you one day without a drink!?!?!?!?
James: Nope!... hic!...
Jessie: Your going to.... huh? What's that? (looks up in the sky)

Onboard the Highwind...

Cid: Pilot! You suck!
Pilot: WAHHHHHHH!!!!
Cid: Can't you take a f**kin' joke you %%#%#%@%%@%@^^@%@$%#$@#$@%@^&@(@(@@(@^@*@$$@$@$@$@$@&^@*^&@^@&@*@*%@^@((@)!@BV@VBB&@V$@%$@$@55%@%$&*%%@*%%^@$@$@$%@((@(^@$%@@$$@$%#&@^(@(@((@&@!)@)&&@)&@)&*@^@%@%^@!!!!!?!?!?!?!?
Pilot: No, I am sensitive to those kind of jokes!
Cid: Then your fired!
Pilot: WAHHHHHHHH!!!
Cid: You wienie! I was only kidding!
Aeris: Stop tormenting the pilot, Cid!
Cid: Sorry...
Crewmen: Sir! We have reached Midgar!
Cid: MIDGAR!?!?!? We're supposed to be in Saffron City you &*#^@^%@%#$%#%$#%@^@*@^#%#%^$%#$%@*!!! (beats the crap out of the crewman)
Crewman: Now who's the one that can't take a joke!
Cid: YOUR FIRED!!!
Crewman: Oh...poopy...
Barret: All right, foo's, let's kick da' Pikachu out of dis' city..
Vegeta: And then nuke it!
Vincent: I found that box of mini-nukes we used last time on this gay island!
Cait Sith: Hot damn!
Cait's friend: Tequila man!
Tifa: Let's go!

The crew gets off the Highwind and looks around...

Red XIII: (lets a big fart out) Ah! That's better!
Cloud: Hey Teef, you still wanna do it in the K-Mart parking lot tomorrow like we planned?
Tifa: Hell yeah!
Joe: Better get the camcorder ready... heh heh heh heh heh!
Vegeta: Big deal! Aeris and I are going to planet Namek and screw there! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!
Cait Sith: Aren't there little green things that live there?
Vegeta: Not anymore, Frieza blew most of them away!
Cait Sith: And the peasants... rejoice!
Cid: Shut the hell up with that line!
Vincent: I just noticed something, where's Yuffie?
Barret: In very small boxes back at the Hideout.
Vincent: Oh, okay well, what!?!?!? She's dead!?!?!?
Cait Sith: No s**t, Sherlock!
Cid: So where's that b*****d Pikachu?
Tifa: i don't know, but there's a Taco Bell over there!
Cid: Yo quiero Taco Bell!
Chihuahua: That's my line! Yo quiero Taco Bell!
Cait's friend: TEQUILA OF DOOM, man!! (does his limit break for the first time on the Chihuahua; old, acidic tequila falls on the chihuahua)
Chihuahua: Oh, I should have taken up the offer for working at Burger King! (dies)
Everyone: (shocked)
Cait's friend: Tequila man!
Aeris: Cait's friend..... has a limit break!?!?!?
Tifa: Who would have known!?!?
Barret: Dis' is all too weird!!
Cloud: You have to admit, that was cool!
Red XIII: Damn right!
Vegeta: So... the legend is true!
Cait Sith: What's the legend?
Vegeta: They say tequila addictors have limit breaks! I heard at from my ex-wife, Bulma, when I worked at the Rehab in Midgar!
Aeris: AN EX-WIFE!?!?!?
Vegeta: Yep, didn't I tell you?
Aeris: No!! Bad Vegeta!
Vegeta: Sorry....
Aeris: It's okay, dear!
Cid: &#^&#^#^%#%%%$#^$^$^^&#^&@^^&#^&$&!! I'm hungry, dammit!
Cloud: Let's mosey everone...
Cid: Damn! Again! Stop saying it like a...... AHHHH!!!
Tifa: (kicked Cid in the nuts) That'll shut him up!
Cloud: Let's go!

The crew heads for Taco Bell. Meanwhile, in a building in the center of the gay city, Pikachu is eating doughnuts and watching "Saved by the Bell" on TV...

TV: (Kelly) Oh Zack! Let's do it in the dark!
Pikachu: Pika! Pika!
TV: (Zack) Oh no, Kelly! We can't! Sex before marrige is wrong!
TV: (Slater) No s**t, Sherlock! Now, give me my women back! (beats the crap out of Zack)
Pikachu: PIKA! PIKA! (throws a doughnut at the TV)
Secretary: Mr. Ash, what did he say?
Ash: He said he hates this show because Kelly didn't get naked!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Who would have ever thought Pikachu was a perverted little b*****d?
Secretary: I'll change the channel! (changes it to Cartoon Network)
Ash: YEAH! SAILOR MOON!
Dave: Whahahahahahahaha!!! Anyone who is a d**khead doesn't deserve to watch Sailor Moon!!!
Ash: I am not a d**khead! I am Ash Catchem!
Dave: More like @$$ Ketchup!!
Ash: Hey! Shut up! That's mean to say!
Dave: I call you, Sailor Scouts, to beat the crap out of this pathetic d**khead and banish him to another dimension!
Sailor Moon: (jumps from the TV along with Mars, Jupiter, Venus and Mercury) I am Sailor Moon! The Champion of Justice! I will punish all evil, and that means you! (points to Ash)
Ash: Hahahahahahahahaha!! I'm gonna have fun tonight!
Pikachu: PIKA! PIKA!
Sailor Mars: MARS FIRE IGNITE!! (fires it at Ash)
Sailor Jupiter: JUPITER THUNDER CRASH!! (fires it at Ash)
Sailor Mercury: MERCURY BUBBLES BLAST!! (same thing)
Sailor Venus: So, you wanna go out some time?
Secretary: (blushing) Uh... okay! I'm free tonight!
Sailor Mars: Venus! Get over here and help!
Sailor Venus: Oh, sorry! VENUS CRESCENT BEAM SMASH! (fires it at Ash)
Ash: Oh.....poopy..... (all hits him and he is blown into another dimension)
Dave: Thank you Sailor Scouts! You may return!
Sailor Jupiter: Hey, your cute! You wanna go out with me?
Dave: (blushes) Uh, well, I am the author of this fic, so, I'll tell you at the end.
Sailor Jupiter: Hot damn! I'm expecting a good answer! (jumps back into the TV)
Scouts: (all glare at Jupiter)
Sailor Jupiter: What? He looks like my old boyfriend!!
Sailor Moon: That figures...
Tuxedo Mask: (jumps out of the TV) Hey! I didn't get to save Sailor Moon this time!
Dave: Tough s**t! Now jump back into that TV before I summon Knights of the Round on you!
Tuxedo Mask: Okay... (jumps back into the TV)
Pikachu: Pika! Pika!
Dave: Shut the hell up! Your THIS close of getting blown away! The only reason I won't blow you away is because that'll end the fic, and I wanna keep the plot going!
Pikachu: Chu....

As the Sailor Scouts return to the TV, AVALANCHE is eating at Taco Bell...

Vegeta: I'll have the Taco Supreme please!
Cashier: Okay, and what'll you have sir?
Cait's friend: Fejita man!
Vegeta: That better be what you want!
Cait's friend: (nods) Fejita man!
Vegeta: What'll you have my dear?
Aeris: I'll have a Mexican pizza please!
Cashier: Okay and what will you have sir?
Joe: (looking at a porno mag) SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!
Cashier: Sir! We don't allow that kind of reading material in here!
Joe: WHAT!?!?!? You don't allow porno mags!?!?!? This is place sucks pina coloda! (storms out the door) And don't think your manager isn't gonna hear about this!!
Red XIII: Bean and cheese tacos for me!
Cashier: I'm sorry, but we don't allow dogs in here. Please, go outside!
Red XIII: F**K!! Okay, but, I'll leave a surprise in your car. (walks outside)
Cait Sith: I'll have some chicken fejitas!
Casheir: I'm sorry, cats are also not allowed!
Cait Sith: Ah crap!! (stomps madly outside)
Cashier: What will you have sir?
Cid: I'll take a can of hash and some bean burritoes!
Casheir: I'm sorry sir, we don't sell hash here. How many burriteos do you want?
Cid: NO HASH!?!?!!? What kinda food place is this!?!?!?!?!?
Cashier: This is a taco resteraunt, not a hash one.
Cid: F**K THIS! (flicks off the casheir and stomps out the door)
Everyone: Oh brother...
Vegeta: He wouldn't have liked it here anyway. They would boot his @$$ out of here because this is a smoke-free place!
Cid: (hears Vegeta) THIS IS A SMOKE FREE PLACE ALSO!?!?!?!? I'M SUEING!!!
Cloud: Anyway, I'll take a.... mmmm.... I'll have a some tacos with Picante Sauce!
Tifa: Same here!
Cashier: Okay, and what about you sir?
Barret: Gimmie some tacos foo'!!
Cashier: If your not more polite, I won't place your order!
Barret: Dat' so?
Cloud: O s**t! Bad singing alert!
Barret: Y-M-C-A!!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Stop your damn singing! I'm tired of it!
Barret: Sorry foo'!
Vincent: I'll take a taco shell with red sauce and I'll have a Big Red, Diet that is.
Cashier: Okay, that'll be 2000 gil.
Everyone: WHAT!?!?!?!?!?
Vegeta: You think we're gonna pay that much for several orders?
Tifa: It would be only 200 gil in Midgar!!!
Cashier: This isn't Midgar, ma'am. This is Saffron City.
Cloud: The gayest city that has ever excisted!!!
Barret: Just pay da' money! I'm hungry foo'!
Cloud: If you don't let us have our food for free, Barret will sing again!
Barret: Yeah foo'!!
Cashier: AHHHHHHHH!! Okay! Okay! Take your food, just please don't sing anymore!
Barret: Oh and you know what foo'?
Cashier: What?
Barret: Y-M-C-A!!!
Cashier: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! (dies)
Vegeta: F**k!! Next time, warn us!!!!
Barret: Sorry foo'...

Outside...

Red XIII: This sucks! They won't allow dogs in!
Cait Sith: Or cats...
Joe: Or porno magazines...
Cid: Or smoking!! &%#%^#^#%^@&@*&@*&(*@(&#^^#%%*#%^#%*&#*%&*%&#&!!!
Cait Sith: We should do something to this place.
Red XIII: Like what?
Joe: I'll be right back.. (runs off somewhere)
Ciat Sith: Well, Red, you can fart out all of the windows, then we can throw cans and rocks at the people who work here!
Cid: No! No! No! I say Red farts out the windows, then we throw a bunch of lit cigareetts into the restaraunts... wait a minute, if I do that, I'll suffacate! Scratch that idea!
Cait Sith: Well, Red can fart out the windows, then I can send my moogle in....
Red XIII: Why does your stupid plans involve me farting out the windows?
Cid: 'Cause it's funny!!
Cait Sith: Hey! We didn't hear you come up with anything!
Red XIII: ...... Damn you! Damn you both!
Cid: Any bright plans, Red?
Red XIII: Let's just wait for the team to get done eating!!
Cid: What's the fun in that?
Red XIII: It'll give me time to meditate and fart. (lets a giant fart out) Ah! Somebody stop me!
Cait Sith: (shoves a plug up Red's @$$) That should do the trick!
Red XIII: AHHH!! Why the hell did you do that for!?!?!?
Cait Sith: You said for someone to stop you from farting, so, I did!
Red XIII: I was being sarcastic!! (farts the plug out) And besides, it wouldn't have done any good!
Cid: I just noticed something. Where's that @$$hole Joe?

The three hear a plane approching and they look up...

Joe: Whahahahahahahahahahahaha!! EAT THIS, TACO BELL!! (let's a 5 megton bomb go)
Cait/Cid/Red XIII: OH F**K!!!
Joe: This will teach you to accept beautiful women for who they are!
Cait Sith: (runs into Taco Bell) Everyone! Get out of here! Joe just dropped a 5 megaton bomb!
Barret: Dat' crazy foo'!
Cloud: Let's run guys!
Everyone: Damn! Again! Stop saying it like a wimp! Can't you say let's get the f**k out of here or something!?!?
Cloud: You guys LOVE to torment me, don't you!?!?
Cait's friend: (nods) Tequila man!!
Cloud: No one asked you!!!

Everyone escapes Taco Bell as the bombs hits and blows five square miles of Saffron City up...

Joe: Maybe next time, you'll accept porno magazines!!
Cid: And smoking...
Cait Sith: And cats...
Red XIII: And dogs!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I really like Taco Bell. It was just fun to make fun of it.
Vegeta: Great! Now where are we gonna eat?
Aeris: Hey! Look! There's a hamburger joint!
Tifa: It's called "Good Burger".
Red XIII: Didn't they make a movie titled "Good Burger"?
Cait Sith: Yeah! It was the most lame @$$ movie on Earth!!!
Dave: Damn right it was!
Cloud: Did you hear something?
Vegeta: No.
Barret: If Good Burger sucks so much, where are we gonna eat?
Cloud: We'll think of something, let's get back on the Highwind.

They all board the Highwind and fly off.

Dave: (in the announcer's voice from Dragonball Z) Will Pikachu get away with taking over the world by hypnotising people into watching Poke`mon? Or can Cloud and the rest of the crew find a place to eat and then stop him before it's too late? And will James ever get over his drinking problem? But more importantly, will I accept the date from Sailor Jupiter? Find out in the conclusion of FF7 on Poke`mon Island 2!

END OF PART 1

Part 2

Return to Jessie's Computer