FF7 Meets FFT: The Cactaur Battles Part 1
By Rofel

Narrator: Hola! Once again, our wussy heroes, Ramza, Cloud, and their fearless followers coming into the world of ff7 once again. Let us begin ze script!

:::the scene opens at McRanma's, the new restaurant franchise in Kalm Town. It is being invaded by cactuar, walking and talking, and ranma, the manager of the restaurant, was splashed with cold water!:::

Vincent: We saw you on 'when cactuars attack!'! weve come to help!

Barret: Vincent? The hell?

Cloud: Whaddya mean? Hes been here the whole time.

Barret: I didn't see him.

Yuffie: Me either.

Cid: Shu'up and kick some cactuar !@#$!#@$!

Barret: I pity da foo who can't kill a cactuar.

:::barret and cid get beat up by cactuars:::

Ranma: :::gets a kettle and pours hot water on himself, becomes male again:::

Cloud: So that is actually real? I thought that was just a fake computerized part of when cactuars attack!

Ranma: Grr...:::beats up 5 cactuars:::

Cactuar Leader: Grr...

Ranma: Grr...

Leader: Grr...

Reno: :::runs in and shoots the cactuar leader, killing it:::

Rude: Good job Reno!

Barret: The hell? Turks?

Vincent: Never mind that! Help us! :::shoots a cactuar, killing it:::

Yuffie: Did you just touch my materia? No one touches my materia! :::throws a bunch of shurikens and kills five cactuar::: Thats my materia! No one touches it!

Cait Sith: Actually, its my materia. :::takes it back, casts FIRE 3 and kills 40 cactuar::: My magic rules! Dont mess with it!

Yuffie: Oh all right...Ill let you keep it all this time!

Cid: Shu'up!

Barret: I pity da foo who...:::Gets beat up by more cactuar:::

Cloud: :::slices through a bunch of cactuar:::

Ramza: Right behind ya! :::slices a bunch of cactuar:::

Rofel: Shellbust Stab! (No armor no effect) Theyre invincible!

Vormav: No theyre not Rofel. :::slices one up with Ragnarok:::See?

:::the cactuars gang up on cloud and ramza and beat them up:::

:::a cactuar casts reflect without cait sith knowing:::

Cait Sith: Fire 3! :::gets reflected back at him:::

Cid: Highwind! :::the cactuars dodge, and the missiles hit cid:::

Orlandu: This isn't good...:::cactuar comes up and breaks his sword::: Crap!

Agrias: Oh yeah? :::notices sword is stolen::: Stupid thieves!

Mustadio: :::uses Arm Aim on a cactuar, sealing its act for 3 turns:::

Gafgarion: Night Sword! :::absorbs for 40 damage::: doh!

Rafa: Heaven Thunder! :::misses each time:::

Malak: :::immitates Rafa, missing each time:::

Reis: :::invites a bunch of Cactuars:::

Aeris: :::conks a cactuar with staff::: 14 damage??? Thats less than Gafgarion's Night Sword!

:::a cactuar blows out the flame on red's tail:::

:::yuffie throws a shuriken, but the cactuar catches it and throws it back at her:::

Cactuar: Hahahahahahaha!!!

Beowulf: Brea---:::a cactuar breaks his sword::: Damn!

Barret: :::gets up::: I pity da foo who can't---:::gets knocked over again:::

:::the cactuars beat aeris up:::

Reno: Take this! :::shoots gun but misses:::

Wiegraf: Lightning---:::cactuars break his sword::: Arg!

Mustadio: I'll show you how it works! :::gets ready to snipe a bunch of cactuars but they break his gun::: Dangit!

Cactuar: :::takes vincent's gun and shoots him:::

Alicia & Lavian: Take this! :::cactuars break every piece of equipment they have:::

:::cactuars beat up rafa and malak:::

Worker 8: Dispose! :::kills a cactuar, but kills worker 8 with the recoil:::

:::cactuars beat up the turks:::

Reno: retreat!

:::cactuars splash ranma with cold water again:::

Ranma: Dammit!

Cid: :::gets up::: hahahaha! :::laughs at ranma:::

Cactuar: :::beats up cid:::

Barret: :::Gets up again::: I pity da foo who can't---:::gets beat up by everyone:::

Cactuar:Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

Mustadio: That's...about...all of us.

Tifa: Hold it right there!

Narrator: Ok, things have become weird. The cactuars are attacking McRanma's, Tifa is alive again (problems for Aeris), and the cactuars are beating everybody up. What will happen next? Find out next time, in...

FF7 Meets FFT: The Cactuar Battles Part 2

OR

Rerun of how many Ranma's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


Part 2 | Part 3

Rerun of previous answer, head back?