FF7: Millenium Disaster
a short fanfic by Dave (Cloud)
Author's Note: This will be one of my shortest fics. Enjoy!
December 30, AVALANCHE Hq....
The crew is sitting down..... doing nothing, really, well, Red maybe farting,
and Cid maybe cussing, but, we'll just see for ourselves.
Cloud: (polishing his Ultima Weapon) Ya know, I just thought of something.
Barret: Dat you have no life, and dat you run around shouting "BLAH!" all day?
Cloud: No, dumb@$$, that's what Ruby Weapon does! I was thinking about this Y2K
thing they keep yammering about. It's starting to piss me off!
Tifa: What does Y2K actually stand for?
Cait Sith: Is it something kinky, like prostatues for hire?
Cait Sith: It was just a thought.
Aeris: Well, I think it's a symbol for water tit's IQ!
Tifa: You dirty little weed wacker!! I'll make sure you don't get weeds
Yuffie: Oh gawd, can't the author write something that makes sense?
Dave: Off course not!!!
Yuffie: Huh? Why not?
Dave: Because I feel like writing stuff that doesn't make sense!!
Dave: That's right, Yuffie, a butt is something you don't have!!
Vincent: I think Y2K is something that helps you control diaharrea.
Red XIII: I thought that's what Mylanta does!!
Cid/Joe: (coming up on the pinball machine)
^&@@&@%(@^&^^&@^(@^%^(!^%!%$!$%!!!!! THAT WAS F**KING SCARY!!!!
Cloud: What happened, Cid?
Cid: AHHHHH!!!! They showed....the most....horrible....thing.....
Barret: Have ya' been sniffin' something foo', like motoroil?
Cid: No, you stupid @^%@@^@%$%@$^#@#$$#!!!
Tifa: (stops pounding on Aeris) What's horrible?
Cait Sith: Are you talking about Red's gas problem?
Red XIII: (farts)
Joe: No, we saw a pic of Mina
Cloud: Oh God, don't tell me she and Cait's friend....
Joe: SHE WAS WITH BILL CLINTON!!!
Everyone: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (barfs on...... hell, let's change it around.... they
barf on Yuffie)
Yuffie: GAWD!!! That's gross!!!
Red XIII: Huh? I'm free.... I'm free.... I'M FREE FROM THE BARFING CURSE!!!
Aeris: Speaking of such, where is Cait's friend?
Author's Quick Note: This fic has nothing to do with the saga, even though it
mentions Mina and Cait's friend as a couple.
Cloud: Well, he's probably drunk off his @$$ somewhere.
Yuffie: Wait a minute, wasn't this fic supposed to be about another topic?
Vincent: Uhhhhhhhh..... I think so.
Red XIII: Well, if it was, what were we discussing earlier?
(three hours later)
Cloud: Ah, who cares, I'm going to sleep! (goes to his room)
Tifa: Wait up, Cloud! (she follows him into the room)
Cid: Let's see what's on the tube (turns on TV)
TV (Announcer): It's only two days until Y2K!!!! Do you know where your
do-it-yourself oven kit is?
Cid: Crap! (changes to another channel)
TV (Reporter): We're located here in the Sector 4 store, and even at 10 at
night, it's packed, but probably because they're giving beer and porn away for
free! (someone whispers into her ear) Oh yeah, don't forget to pick up your Y2K
supplies, blah blah blah.... anyway, come down to Cecil's Kingdom Mall and get
your free booze!
TV (Cait's friend): TEQUILA MAN!!! (passes out)
Aeris: Well, now we know where Cait's friend is.
Vincent: Should we go out and get him?
Barret: Naw, we'll get da' foo; in da' morning. I'm tired, I'm gonna go to bed.
Aeris: Same here.
Author's Note: Vegeta will not appear in this fic either.
Vincent: I better go see if Yuffie did bad things to my coffen.
December 31, in the morning...
Cloud: God, what a great night!!
Tifa: Hmmmmm....you said it!!
Cloud: (grabs Tifa's breasts) Ha ha! Squishy squishy!
Tifa: Cloud!! (slaps him)
Cloud: Owwww..... (sees everyone come out of their rooms) So, did everyone sleep
Cid: Well, besides the fact that my f**king cigarette set me on fire, I slept
Vincent: Well, Yuffie let one loose inside the coffen and I almost sufficated.
Yuffie: It wasn't my fault!!!
Barret: I shot ma's self in da' @$$ again!!!
Joe: I watched Playboy all night long.
Cait Sith: Hey guys, did you all forget what day it is?
Yuffie: Is it National Thieves Honor Society club meeting?
Cait Sith: What meeting? You're the only member!!
Yuffie: That makes me special!!
Cait Sith: Anyway, today is December 31, which means at midnight it's....
Cid: The year 2000!!! About f**king time!!!
Cait Sith: Well, that and it's Y2K!!
Cloud: THAT'S what we were talking about yesterday, wasn't it?
Cait Sith: Excatly. By midnight tonight, everyone's predicting all the
computers in the world will shut down and everyone will go ape s**t and litter
Barret: If ya' foo's ask me, dat's a crock of s**t!!!
Tifa: I agree with Barret, it won't be a big deal.
Aeris: Yeah, and Water Boob's tits are REAL!
Tifa: They are you flower pina colada pussy! (knocks Aeris down and they start
to rumble around)
Vincent: Is it just me, or are their insults getting cornier by the minute?
Joe: It's just you.
Vincent: Oh, ok.
Cloud: Well, Cait, what should we do to prepare for Y2K?
Cait Sith: Simple, we need to go to Cecil's Kingdom Mall, and pick up the
Joe: I call the porn magazines!!!
Yuffie: I got the Department Stores!!
Cloud: We'll decide where to go when we get there.
They all leave for the mall in Sector 4...
At the mall....
Cait Sith: We'll split up from here.
Cid: Speaking of this place, isn't Cait's friend here?
Cait's friend: BBBBUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRPP!! AH! Tequila Man!!
Cid: That answeres my question.
Cloud: Okay, Tifa, Cid and I will look around at the electronic store, Joe,
Vincent and Yuffie will head for the popcorn stand to get the party some
popcorn, and Cait and the rest of you will go over there somewhere and wander
around. Sound good?
Barret: It all sounded the same to me, but yeah.
(in the electronic store)
Cid: So, what the hell are we looking for excatly?
Cloud: Cait said to look for something to protect our computer from Y2K.
Tifa: You make it sound like it's an alien, Cloud.
Cloud: For all we know, it could be. I mean, just look at some of the s**t they
Cid: Yeah, Yuffie.
Tifa: Yeah, I think I do. (looks over to her right and sees a moving box) Cloud!
Cloud: What? (draws his sword) Did some perv pull on your skirt?
Cid: (looks up into the sky and whistles)
Tifa: No, here, follow me, I'll show you! (she walks over to the box) See?
Cloud: Uh, Tifa, I hate to mention this, but it's just a box.
Voice inside of the box: Or is it?
Cloud/Cid/Tifa: What the f**k!?!?!
Tifa: (kicks the box) Get out of there!!
Voice: I don't want to!!
Cloud: Hey, fag-in-the-box, show your face!!
Voice: I said I don't wanna!!
Cid: Well, okay then, I'll just shove this spear up your @$$ and force you out!!
Voice: Ha! You're bluffing! I know, because I have brains!
Cloud: Okay, I wouldn't consider someone hiding in a box to have much brains.
Salesman: Excuse me, but why are you people talking to a box?
Cloud: Attention, everyone!!! This box tried to molest this poor woman!! Let's
kick it's @$$!!
Crowd: YEAH!!! (everyone runs up and starts beating and kicking the box)
Voice: OH F**K!! (person inside runs like hell)
Kid: You have no manner you mean person! (beats the escaping box with her Barbie
Cid: That was pretty f**ked up right there!
Cloud: You said it!
Author's Note: I got the box idea from Metal Gear Solid.
At the Popcorn stand...
Vincent: What's taking this line so long to move?
Yuffie: (counting all the stolen goods she got from the people in line) I dunno.
Joe: (looking at a Hustler Magazine) Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet!!
Vincent: Well, dammit, I'm gonna go to the front of the line to see what's
wrong. Yuffie, stay here and watch my place.
Yuffie: Okay (steals a watch from a lady behind her)
(at the front of the line)
Nemesis: S.T.A.R.S.... (takes his popcorn)
Brolly: (from Dragonball Z movies 10 and 11) Kakarot.....
Brolly: Kakarot!! (steals Nemesis' popcorn) Kakarot!!
Nemesis: S.T.A.R.S!!! (steals it back)
Brolly: KAKAROT!! (steals it back and kicks Nemesis in the nuts)
Nemesis: (passes out)
Jill: I thought he'd never shut up....
Guy in line: Hey, what are you, some kind of fag? Get out of the line!!
Brolly: Kakarot!! (blows the guy's @$$ away)
Vincent: Excuse me, could you move so we can all get our popcorn?
Brolly: Kakarot!! (charges up his green energy ball and throws it at Vincent)
Vincent: (dodges it) THAT'S IT!! (transforms into Chaos) Now, you will feel the
wrath of.....CHAOS!!! (does Satan Slam on Brolly)
Brolly: Kakarot...... ugh! (dies)
Everyone: (claps fpr Vincent)
Nemesis: (regains consciousness and picks up his popcorn) S.T.A.R.S.... (sees
Jill: Oh f**k, I'm getting tired of him trying to rape me!! (runs like hell)
Nemesis: S.T.A.R.S!!!! (runs after her eating the popcorn)
Joe: (still looking at porno) Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!!!!
Yuffie: (steals a bottle of Viagra) You were great Vincent!
Vincent: Yeah, I still have that touch.
Somewhere in the mall....
Cait Sith: (looks at a map) Hmmmmm......okay, if Patterson was here during the
first mission, and then he went on some train undercover, then he should be.....
Barret: What da' hell are ya' doin' sucka!?!?!
Cait Sith: Oh nothing. Anyway, let's see here....
Red XIII: Where do we go, Cait?
Cait Sith: Well, we can cross into here by train, and we should arrive.....
here!! (points to a dot on the map)
Aeris: Cait, that's a chocalate stain!
Cait Sith: Oh.... it is isn't it?
Red XIII: (rips one off) What the....it can't be!!!
Aeris: What is it!?!?!
Barret: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Not him!!!
Ricky Martin: (singing) Outside, inside out!! Livin' La Vida Loca!!
Barret: Someone shut dat' damn foo' up!!!!
Cait Sith: No problem!! (runs up to Ricky Martin)
Ricky: What...hey!! Cat, get off my stage!!
Cait Sith: Oh yeah, and what will you do if I don't?
Ricky: I will... I will karate chop you to death!!! (goes into a gay fighting
Cait Sith: Oh brother....
Ricky: I YAH! (chops at Cait but misses)
Cait Sith: Stupid @$$! (kicks him in the nuts and shoves a bottle rocket up
Ricky Martin's ass and lights it)
Ricky: (in a high pitched voice) AHHH!!! I'm sorry!! Please, if you let me go,
I'll give you some warm milk!!
Cait Sith: Sorry, bucko, but you just plain suck!!
Ricky: NOOOOOOOOOOO! (gets blown out of the mall)
Cait Sith: WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Barret: Well, now that Ricky Martin is gone....
Aeris: Hey guys, do you think we should get back to Cloud and the others?
Red XIII: But, weren't we supposed to go somewhere?
Cait Sith: Naw, we were just supposed to wander around.
Cait Sith: I dunno.
(they head back to the entrance of the mall)
Meanwhile, at Kay-Bee....
Sephiroth: (looking through some toys) Okay, let's see.... what I can I use to
take over the world?
Bob: Porno, of course!! (begins looking through a Hustler)
Kefka: I dunno about that, but this lighter is sure cool!!! (does his gay ass
X-Death: (dancing to some gay @$$ Polka music being played)
Kefka: Whoa ho ho ho ho... (sets himself on fire and does his laugh) Huh huh huh
huh!!! Look, fire!!!!
Gilgamesh: Ah s**t!!! Dammit, Kefka, can't you go one second without setting
yourself on fire!??!!?
Kefka: Oh ho ho ho ho ho!!!
X-Death: (bumps into Kefka while dancing and puts out the fire) La la la la
la....Oooops.... la la la la!!!!
Kefka: Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho!!!
Bob: Hey, dad, I found a nude pic of Renee O' Conner!!
Sephiroth: Give it here!!! (looks at the pic) Heh heh heh heh heh.... you see,
son, porno is the way of the world!
Bob/Sephiroth: (both do the Kefka laugh)
Gilgamesh: Don't you two start that!
Sephiroth: Anyway, I need something to rule the world with when Y2K comes!!
Bob: Dad!! I can't understand you!!! You're saying big words!!!
Gilgamesh: Uhhhh....guys, look at the time!!
Kefka: Yeah, it's time to...... set something on fire!!! (sets a toy castle on
fire and laughs at it)
Gilgamesh: No, stupid, it's almost time for the big moment!!
Sephiroth: You don't mean....
Gilgamesh: Uh huh.
X-Death: How can it be time already...
Bob: Next time, on Unsolved Mysteries!!
Bad guys: Shut up you!!!
At the entrance...
Cloud: Well, are we all ready to go?
Cait Sith: So, what did you get to protect are computer?
Cid: Nothing, we just came for the popcorn!!
Joe: And the porn!!
Cait Sith: But....but....but....but...
Yuffie: Cait, you don't have a butt!!!
Cait Sith: SHUDDAP MATERIA WHORE!! (slams HP Shout on Yuffie's head)
Tifa: Cait, face the facts, nothing bad will happen. They've already prepared
Cid: Let's get back to the Hideout, we're gonna miss the Dukes' Millenium
Vincent: They're still making new episodes of the Dukes!?!?!
Cid: Of course they are!!!
Aeris: (looks at her watch) Uh....guys, we have 20 seconds until midnight!
Everyone: WHAT THE F**K!?!?!?!
Barret: Dat' don't make any sense!!! It was like four in da' afternoon when we
Cloud: Well, let's go find a TV so we can watch the countdown.
Cid: Hell no!! We're watching the Dukes!!!
Red XIII: Cid, get over it, the Dukes suck and you being obsessed with the Dukes
has been WAY overused!!
Dave: No s**t, Sherlock!!
TV (Reporter): We're here on top of the Shinra Building, where President Rufus
is paying us 20,000,000 gil an hour so we can freeze our @$$es off here.
Anyway, the ten second countdown has now begun!!!
Everyone: 10....9....8....7....6....5.....4.....3...2.....1..... HAPPY NEW YE...
(suddenly the channel changes)
TV (Daisy Duke): Hey Bo, let's go to the shack!!
Cid: YEAH!! The Dukes rule!! (opens a can of hash, when all of a sudden the
power goes out) @&@&@@@$%@$%@$^@@(^^@(!!!! WHAT HAPPENED?
Tifa: Uhhhhhh....... okay, this really sucks!
Barret: Hey, who touched my @$$!?!?!
Aeris: Someone is rubbing me!!!!!
Old Drunk: Gotta get this Jukebox working!!!!
Yuffie: Huh!?!?! Someone stole my shirt!
Jill: (fires off her Magnum)
Gilgamesh: AHHH!!! My @$$!!!
Jill: Whoops! Sorry about that!
Red XIII: Hey, watch it!!!
Kefka: (gets run over by a wheelchair)
Old lady: Watch it, sonny!!!
Raijin: I can't see, ya' know?
Fujin: QUIET!! (kicks Raijin in the shin)
Cait Sith: I told you Y2K was gonna be a problem!
Vincent: Well, I guess Cait was right. We shouldn't have underestimated Y2K!!!!
Somewhere, inside a vacant area of the mall...
Mina: I like it dark, don't you?
Cait's friend: Tequila man!!!
Mina: So, did you accomplish your mission?
Cait's friend: Tequila man!!
Mina: I'm so glad you shut off the fuse box!!! Now, we can have fun ALL night
Cait's friend: TEQUILA MAN!!!
And the rest is history....
Dave: And that's how the cast of FF7 celebrates their New Year. However, the
big question is how did time speed up so fast? Was it coincidense, or not? The
world may never know....
Which is the bigger hype: Y2K or Pokemon? (I'm sorry I said that)