Fiesta Mix

Written by Crono

It was dinner time at AVALANCHE headquarters and Shera was busy making thier dinner. The others just hung around lazily and hungrily waiting for thier food.

Cid: D@mn it, woman, hurry up with the food already!

Shera: (comes to living room) Sorry. Red XIII, what kind of pet food would you like for dinner?

Red XIII: What I usually eat........Kibbles' and Bits!

Shera: Sure. I'll have your dinner ready in a sec. (Walks back to kitchen).

Cloud: I feel sorry for you Red, having to eat only that crunchy crap instead of a good home

cooked meal.

Red XIII: Don't you think I know that? I would love to have some, but Shera says that people

food is bad for us animals!

Cloud: Yeah....I really wish you could have some chicken, with rice, tortillas........

Cait Sith: Not the beans though, they make you fart bigtime!

Barret: HA! Shut the @#$% up, cat, what would you know about eating, you can't even eat, so

don't complain, foo'!!

Cait Sith: Hey, you'd complain if you had to smell the gas coming from 9 people who had at

least 2 servings of beans.

Cid: Hey! I happen to like them 'frijoles'!

Just then, Shera came out of the kitchen with an empty bag of Kibbles' n' Bits.

Shera: Red, I'm terribly sorry but there is no more food.....but never fear, I'll get you some more.

Aeris:(gets up) No don't you worry about it, Shera, I'll go get it!!

Shera looked at Aeris suprisingly.

Aeris: Oh, you work too much, girl, just concentrate on making dinner for these oafs!

Cid: Hey!

Shera: (nods and smiles) Thank you Aeris.

Aeris: No problem! (She gets the gil and leaves)

Red XIII: You forgot to tell her that I wanted Kibbles' n' Bits.

Cloud: Now, now, Red, we musn't be picky.....

Red XIII: Shut the hell up, you! If you were a cat/dog and could only eat cat and dog food, you'd be picky too!

Barret: Cloud's not only picky, but pricky too! Jes' look at that hair of his!

Cloud: Look who's talking!

Crono: ...................................................

Barret: Well, certainly not that foo'!

Cloud: hey, your in the wrong fanfiction, buddy?

Crono hangs his head and leaves.

Cloud: Okay, now where was I? Oh yeah, Barret, you screwed up piece of Mr. T. crap!

Cid, Yuffie, Tifa, Red XIII, Cait Sith and Vincent: Diss..............

Barret: Hey!!! @#$%#%#%#@@$^**&%#$#@#%%^^#@#$#%@!!!!!!

Cloud: What? Why you @@#$#%$^&^*%#$^%*^%%##^%*&^(*&)(**&%#%@#%!!!!

Cid: WILL YOU TWO SHUT THE HELL UP? I CAN'T HEAR THE DAMN TV!!!!!!

Yuffie: So, who cares about you or the damn TV?

Cid: More people than you'll ever get to care for you!

Everyone: Boooooooooooo......................

Barret: Fooooooooooooooooooooooo'

Everyone:...............

Crono: .....................(translation: Why does everyone like to steal my lines?)

Meanwhile, Aeris is at the grocery store in the pet section. She is searching for the right kind of food for Red XIII.

Aeris: Now, let's see, what do you suppose Red XIII likes....

She was so lost in thought that she didn't see Tseng and she bumped into him.

Tseng: (hearts in his eyes)Oh, Aeris! (Thinks to himself) Oh what luck!

Aeris: (smiles sweetly) Hello, Tseng. What are you doing here?

Tseng: I, uh....well Rufus made me and Elena come all the way here just to get..uh...pet food for

Dark Nation, his panther....

Aeris: Oh, Elena's here too? That's such a nice surprise!

Tseng: Yeah, it is.....(stares at Aeris and looks like he could burn a hole through her). What

about you?

Aeris: (bends over to examine products)Oh, I volunteered to get some food for Red XIII, but I'm

not exactly sure what kind he eats...cat food or dog food...oh fudge!

Tseng: (edges closer to Aeris)Why don't you buy him Fiesta Mix?

Aeris: (looks up at Tseng) Fiesta Mix?

Tseng: Yeah, it's what Rufus feeds Dark Nation all the time. He seems to like it a lot too!

Aeris: But is it suitable for cats and dogs?

Tseng: Yes, both!(edges even closer to Aeris).

Just then, a happy Elena who was whistling and carrying a bag of strawberries came down the aisle.

Elena: Hey, Tseng, I found those delicious strawberries you always liked.....(she stops short to

see Tseng getting closer to Aeris). Why that----GRRRRRR...

Aeris: Hey, only 12 gil a bag, that is a bargain! (She grabs bag). Thanks for the help Tseng!

Elena: Grrr......

Aeris then kisses him on the cheek lightly. Tseng melts.

Tseng: Ahhh.....

Elena: That does it...Tseng let's get going now, don't want to upset DarkNation! (She begins to

drag him away by the shirt collar)

Tseng: Buh-bye....ahhh!

Aeris: Bye Tseng! Bye Elena! Thanks again! (She picks up bag of Fiesta Mix and pays for it. She leaves.)

Elena: Hmph! Did you tell that ditz about the side effects of the food?

Tseng: Ahh.....she loves me, she loves me not...she loves me......she loves me not....

Elena: HARUMPH! (Slaps Tseng unconsious and drags him to the car). Well at least those Avalanche Punks will have to suffer with the side effects of Fiesta Mix..to bad they don't know that it's made by Hojo! Gya ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Back at AVALANCHE, Aeris returns with the food.

Red XIII: Alright, dinner is served--eh? (Stares at food) What the hell is this? This ain't Kibbles and Bits!

Cloud: Red, you ungrateful mutt! Aeris went through all that trouble just to get you your damn

chow! The least you can do is thank her!

Red XIII: SHUT THE HELL UP! Now Aeris, will you kindly tell me what this is?

Aeris: Oh, it's a delicious Mexican food flavored mix for cats and dogs. Try it, please?

Red XIII: ............I suppose....after all, there isn't anything else to eat.....

Aeris: That's a good boy! (Pours food into Red XIII's bowl) Eat up!

Cid: (turns down the TV) Speaking of dinner, where the hell is ours? Shera!!!!

Shera: It's ready. We're having Mexican food, everyone!

Tifa: Oh, goodie! Put extra chile on my chicken!

Vincent: Could you please put no chile on mine?

Cid: (turns to Vincent)What's the matter, vampy boy, too hot for you? Burn your little toungsy-wongsy? HAHAHAH You @#$$% sissy!

Vincent: ...........................

Barret: Yeah, and load it up with chile, baby!

Cid: Don't call her bab or I'll stick my fork up your @$$!

Cait Sith: Oooo, that would be pretty painful!

Tifa: Not to mention the times I'm gonna have to scrub that fork!

Vincent: Ha ha ha ha ha......

Barret: Don't laugh, you @@#%$#%#!

Shera: Alright, cut it out boys. Cid, here's your dinner.

Cait Sith: (with his usual squeaky voice)Ooo, always Cid first, eh? Is he that special?

Cid: Shut the hell up you walking garbage can or I'll make some fast money recycling you!

While Cait Sith and the rest argued, Red XIII ate. No, more like devoured it. Aeris looked sweetly at Red.

Aeris: Like it?

Red XIII: (licks paws then howls).

Aeris is alarmed and so are the others. They stare at Red XIII in silence.

Red XIII: RRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! (with spanish accent)

Everyone looks at Red with anime sweatdrops. Red looks back at everyone.

Red XIII: ?Que? ?Que chingados miran?

Everyone gasps in amazement.

Barret: What @$#$$ language is that damn mutt talkin' in?

Shera: It appears that he is talking in Spanish. But why?

Cloud: Whoah, cool! Hey Red, que honda?

Red XIII: Nada, buey....

Cid: Would you please talk in Ingles, por favor? (he was talking in his American accent)

Red XIII: NO! Si no te gusta, te puedes meter te el dedo!

Cloud burst out laughing. Cid scratched his head, confused.

Cid: What the hell did that fool say to me?

Cloud: (laughing)He said, "If you don't like it, you can stick your finger in!"

Cid: Well @#$#%%^$%&$$%$^%$

Vincent starts to laugh, which is rare.

Red XIII: Y tu no te ries, cabron. No eres nadie para estar burlando de alguien, porque yo creo que pareces pendejo.

Vincent: .........?Huh?

Shera: He said " You shouldn't laugh, asshole, you are no one t be making fun of someone because I think you look like shit".

Vincent: .............

Red XIII turns to Tifa.

Red XIII: Que bonita eres....pero tienes los tetas muy grandes. Ay que tanto pesan?

Tifa: What did he say Cloud?

Cloud: Ugh...he said you were pretty but that your hooters are very big. He also asked you how

much they weigh.

Tifa: Oooo, that pervert! (Puts on gloves)

Cloud: Err....no Tifa, I'm sure there's a logical explanation for this...

Tifa: (lowers fists) They'rd better be!

Cloud: (turns to Red) So why are you putting on the Spanish accent all of a sudden?

Red XIII: Ay caramba, que feo pelo tienes!

Cloud: Hey, leave my hair outta this, it is not ugly! (Turns to Aeris)What in the hell did you feed

him?

Aeris: It was a special called "Fiesta Mix". I didn't exactly know what Red wanted.

Cloud: Fiesta Mix? And how on Earth did you ever come across this?

Aeris: Oh, Tseng was very kind to me! He and Elena were there and they recommended it

because Dark Nation eats it.

Everyone: Wha-!!!!

Barret: And you take thier word for it? They're Turks, remember?

Tifa: Oh well...at least we know now why Dark Nation talks Spanish.

Vincent: But how can this be stopped?

Shera picks up a handful of food.

Shera: I'm going to take this to my room and analyze it. I'm willing to bet Hojo's behind this!E

She left to her room while everyone ate dinner. Yuffie accidentally spills soda.

Red XIII: Ah, Yuffie, que muchacha tan imadura!

Yuffie: What he say?

Cloud: He said you were very immature.

Yuffie: AHHHHH! You retarded mutt!

Cid: Goddamn it Yuffie, shut the hell up!

Yuffie: Make me, ol' fart!

Cid: (grabs his spear)Why you little bitch, c'mere and I'll shut your hole in no time!

Yuffie: (pulls out shuriken)Ha! We'll see about that!

Cait Sith: Hey hey hey! Cut it out you two! Cid, do you want Shera to see you like this?

Cid: (grumbling) No....

Cait Sith: And Yuffie, do you want to have a boyfriend?

Yuffie: Yes..

Cait Sith: Well, boys, won't like girls who pick fights all the time.

At that time, Shera came out of her room.

Tifa: So what happened?

Shera: Well, it appears that the creater of this mix used an extra heavy layer of salsa combined

with a chemical that makes that person talk in the language the food came from.

Barret: D@mn! What kind of sicko would do 'dat?

Shera: I looked up the company's name on my internet and it seems that Hojo did make the formula.

Cloud: So how do we reverse the effects?

Shera: I don't know....you gotta ask one of the Turks.

Cloud: Oh great, that's not gonna be easy.

Tifa: No way! There is no way I'm going near those freaks!

Shera: It's your choice-unless you wanna be stuck listening to Red for the rest of the day.

Red XIII: !Ay ay ay, Como me duele...(singing to Selena's "Como la Flor")

Tifa: Ugh...we'll go.

Aeris: (stands up) No I'll go. I'm the one who brought the stuff, so I'll go make up for it.

Cloud: But----it could be dangerous!

Aeris: (smiles)Don't worry----I'll just ask Tseng!

Everyone: Whew!

Aeris: Well....be seeing you all!

Red XIII: Adios, senorita!

After Aeris leaves, Tifa sighs.

Tifa: I just hope she gets it right this time.....

Red XIII: (singing) Baila, baila esta cumbia...



2 hours later.....



Aeris is back with another bag of food.

Cloud: So what did Tseng say?

Aeris: Oh, just that the cure was....

Everyone: go on........

Aeris: (holds up bag of food) just give him any other brand of food!

Everyone except Aeris gets a sweat drop on thier heads.

Barret: In any event, feed the foo' quickly!

Aeris: Okay okay! (Opens food and pours it into bowl)Oh Red, your dinners ready!

Red came running toward his bowl and devoured it all.

Cloud: Well I'll be damned...this is finally gonna be over.

Cait Sith: Good. Next time, stick to the Kibbles 'n bits, okay?

Red XIII: (licking face).

Shera: So how's the food, Red?

Red XIII: #@#$%$^$##@#@%%^*(*^$##@#@#$%$^%&^%$#

Shera: What??

Cid: Hey, you @#$^%$^#%@#$#@ how dare you say that to her!

Red XIII: @#%$@%$^%^%&^*%^%

Cloud: Oh great, now what did you feed him? (Examines bag) What? Punks Cat and Dog Chow? Aeris.....

Aeris: Whoops....heh heh.

Red XIII: %$#%&^%*&(^$@#!#$$$^%&^*&^$#@$%$^%&^&*

Cloud: Goddamn..I hope this never happens again.



End


More fanfics (most without Spanish)