Yuffie and the Gerudo ThievesFly Away
By: Dave (Cloud)
Special Guest Star Appearence..... Dav Cole!!
Final Fantasy and all related games are a property of Squaresoft, Inc.
Dragon Ball Z and all related stuff are a property of FUNimation Productions
Legend of Zelda and Mario are properties of Nintendo, Inc.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Since I let Dyne use Cait's friend his fics he allowed me to use
Dav in my fics. Also, Joe won't appear in this fic.
At Tifa's Seventh Heaven, Cloud, Barret, Vegeta and Cid are playing Goldeneye.
Cid: (playing as Boris) Owwwww! Dammit Barret! I thought we were on a team!
Barret: (playing as Valentine) Sorry ya' foo'! Ya' got in ma' way!
Cid: What the hell are you shooting at? There's no one behind me you worthless
piece of s**t!!!!!!!!
Vegeta: (playing as Trevelan) Ah ha! I found you, you fat monkey! Eat lead
dips**t! (blows Barret's @$$ away with a Klobb)
Barret: I pity da' foo' who kills me with a Klobb.
Cid: Serves ya' right, you stupid s**thead! If you were paying attention you
wouldn't have gotten your sorry @$$ blown away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cloud: (playing as Bond) I found you, you goddamn computer nerd! (starts chasing
Cid with an Automatic Shotgun)
Cid: You can't kill me!!!! (In a Russian accent) I am invincible!!!!!
Cloud: No your not! (fires one shot at Cid's head and kills him)
Cid: F**k! That's not fair you @$$hole!
Cloud: Hey your the one who wanted it on You Only Live Twice mode.
Cid: You mean you only get two lives?!?!?!?!? Whatta crock!
Vegeta: Shows how stupid you are!
Cid: Shut up @$$hole! I have a Mop and I'm not afraid to use it!
Vegeta: (grabs the Mop and breaks it in half) That'll teach you to threaten me
Cid: Why you little s**t monkey! Your gonna die! C'mon Barret lets challenge
these pussies to a re-match!
Barret: I pity da' foo' who kills me with a Klobb.
Vegeta: Your on! Let's team up against these two Cloud!
While Cloud, Vegeta, Cid and Barret have a re-match on Goldeneye, the rest of
the crew is playing Monopoly.
Tifa: Yes!!!!!! I rolled a six! 1..2..3..4..5..6! Yes, I can buy
Aeris: Yeah I bet you could roll six guys in one night in the Mediterranean!
Tifa: Shut up HO!!!!!!!
Red XIII: Excuse me ladies, could we get on with the game?
Cait's friend: Tequila man!
Vincent: Damn correct....
Cait Sith: Yeah! I'm four spaces from getting Park Place!
Aeris and Tifa: Sorry guys...
Vincent: Your turn baby! (hands dice to Yuffie)
Yuffie: Okay! (steals Boardwalk card from Aeris) Ah poop! I rolled a two.
1..2. It says pick up a card. (picks up a card)
Aeris: What does it say Yuffie?
Yuffie: Ah crap! It says "Go to Jail"!
Cait Sith: Yeah! That's where you belong you materia whore!
Yuffie: Shut up Kaitty!
Cait Sith: How many times do I have to say never ever EVER call me
Vincent: Don't cuss out my woman KAITTY!!
Cait Sith: If you don't shut up I'll teach you how to play "Mercy"....THE HARD
Cait's friend: Tequila man!!
Cait Sith: Stay outta this friend!
Red XIII: (hears he doorbell ring) Uh....excuse me, could someone get the door?
Everyone else: (continues fighting and not paying attention to Red)
Red XIII: Guys! I said there was someone at the door!
Everyone else: (still ignoring him)
Red XIII: ALL OF YOU, SHUT THE HELL UP AND SOMEONE ANSWER THE GODDAMN DOOR!!!
Vincent: Can't you see were busy Red?
Red XIII: Sorry but there's someone at the door.
Tifa: Why don't you go answer it?
Cait Sith: Yeah, Wolfinstein, answer the door!
Yuffie: You said it, Kaitty!
Cait Sith: You're gonna die, b***h! (attacks Yuffie)
Cait's friend: Tequila man!!
Aeris: I'll answer it! (gets up and answers the door. Standing outside is a
character we all are familiar with...)
Guy: Hello I'm looking for a Mr. Cloud Strife. Is he here?
Aeris: Yes he is. I'll get him. Who shall I say is asking to speak to him.
Guy: The name's Cole... Dav Cole!
Dav: I'm Dav Cole...
Aeris: (puzzled look on her face)
Dav: Uh....The grandson of the famous Locke Cole.
Aeris: Who's that?
Dav: Urrggg... never mind! Anyway I need to speak to Mr. Strife.
Aeris: I'll get him. (heads down to get Cloud)
Cait's friend: (notices Dav and walks up to him) Tequila man!!
Dav: Hello and you are?
Cait's friend: Tequila man!!!!!
Dav: Yeah, that's nice...
Meanwhile Cloud, Vegeta, Barret and Cid are still duking it out on Goldeneye.
Cid: Die you Sayain pussy! I've already killed you once!
Cloud: That was by luck, Cid!
Vegeta: (takes a sharp turn and shoots Cid with his AR33 Assault Rifle and kills
him) You know what they say.... The defeat of a Saiyan warrior.... just makes
the Saiyan stronger! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
Barret: I'm gonna get ya' foo'! (chases after Cloud)
Cloud: Your forgetting something...
Barret: What is it?
Vegeta: THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! (detonates six Remote Mines, blowing Barret to kingdom
Cloud: YEAH!!! (hi five's Vegeta)
Barret: That wasn't fair!!!!!!!
Vegeta: Sorry, but you always fall for our traps! We couldn't resist!
Aeris: (comes down) Cloud, there is someone at the door for you.
Cloud: Who is it?
Aeris: He said his name was Dav Cole or something like that.
Cloud: What does he want?
Aeris: He just said he wanted to talk to you.
Cloud: I'll be back guys (heads upstairs).
Aeris: Hey Vegeta, come here.
Vegeta: Yeah what's up?
Aeris: When should we tell our friends the good news?
Vegeta: Soon, my dear. Very soon!
Cid: What news?
Vegeta: It doesn't matter right now! We'll tell you later!
Cid: Damn! Everyone always keep secrets from me! Why!?!?!?
Barret: 'Cause we can foo'!
Cid: Shut up you damn monkey! You suck @$$ at this game!
Barret: Back off tea drinkin' faggit! (kicks Cid's @$$ in a heartbeat)
Cid: (gets up, holding his head) How did you kick my @$$ so easily?
Barret: While ya' been slackin' off, I been trainin' under Vegeta and have
increased ma' power!
Cid: Damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's not gonna be easy to shove my spear up your
Barret: That's da' point, foo'!
Meanwhile, upstairs, Cloud walks to the door and begins talking to Dav.
Dav: You Cloud Strife?
Cloud: (ignoring all the B.S. going on behind him) Yeah I'm Cloud. What do you
Dav: Well, Dyne gave Dave permission to use me in this fic if Dave would let
Dyne use Cait's friend in his!
Cait's friend: Tequila man!!!!
Cloud: Wait a minute? You interrupted my game, talked to Cait's friend and all
because you wanted to tell me that!?
Dav: Yeah, that's about the size of it!
Cloud: Now that's the kind of news I like to hear!!!!!!
Dav: Anyway so I'm here to join you guys for a while! How's that?
Cloud: Well I think it's okay but we need the rest of the team's approval (turns
toward the fighting crew) How 'bout it everyone? Should we let Dav join us for
Yuffie: I'm not finished with you, Cait!!!
Cait Sith: (kicks Yuffie across the room and into the bar, smashing half of the
Vincent: No one kicks my honey across the room and gets away with it!!!!
CHAOS!!!!! (turns into Chaos and starts chasing Cait Sith)
Cait Sith: Oh s**t! (ducks behind a table)
Vincent: Die you smelly cat!!!
Cait Sith: Did I ever tell you your tarts suck @$$?
Vincent: THAT'S IT!!!!! You can make fun of my hair, you can kick my honey
across the room. BUT NO ONE INSULTS MY TARTS!!!!!!!!!
Cloud: ALL OF YOU SHUT THE HELL UP BEFORE I WHUP ALL YOUR SORRY @$$S!!!!!
Everyone: (stops fighting and turns toward Cloud)
Cloud: That's better! Anyway this is Dav Cloe and he wants to join us for a
while. What do you all say?
Tifa: It's okay with me.
Red XIII: I don't mind (lets a big fart out)
Vincent: (holding his nose) Do what you wish...
Cait's friend: Tequila man!
Cloud: Okay then, I'm sure Vegeta, Barret and Cid won't mind so... welcome to
Cait Sith: Hey! What about my opinion?
Yuffie: And mine too?
Cid: (climbs up the pinball machine followed by Vegeta and Barret) No one cares
about your opinions you jack @$$s!!!!!!
Yuffie: I'm offended! (steals Vegeta's watch)
Cid: No one cares about that either!!!!!!
Barret: Damn correct ya' materia stealin' foo'!
Vegeta: For once I agree!!!!!
Yuffie: Why are you all so mean to me?
Red XIII: 'Cause we CAN be!!!!
Cait Sith: That's a piss poor excuse!
Tifa: No one asked you, you gay cat!!!!
Cait Sith: Your gonna feel the wrong end of my megaphone if you don't shut up!
Cloud: ALL OF YOU SHUT UP!!!
Everyone: Sorry Cloud...
Cait's friend: Tequila man!
Cloud: Anyway, Dav, your in!
Dav: Thanks Cloud! (Dav joins the party)
Vegeta: Well, it's getting late so lets get to... (looks down to see his watch
missing) Hey! Where in the hell is my watch!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Yuffie: I wonder... (puts Vegeta's watch in her pocket)
Cid: We'll give you two guesses but your only gonna need one.
Vegeta: Well in that case... (fires energy beam toward Cid)
Cid: (missing it by inches) Hey what did you do that for you gay pansy!?
Vegeta: Just for fun, I guess.
Yuffie: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! The old fart got blown away!
Vegeta: Shut up you whore! I know it was you who stole my watch and I also know
Cid payed you 3000 gil last night for pleasure! (blasts Yuffie across the room)
Everyone: HOLY S**T!!!!!
Red XIII: AHHHHHHHHHHH! (pukes on himself and mauls himself)
Yuffie: Uhhh.... my @$$... (drops the watch)
Vegeta: That's better! (grabs his watch and puts it back on) It's 10:00 p.m. Do
you know where your bathroom is?
Cloud: It's over there...
Vegeta: I was being sarcastic, Cloud.
Dav: I think we should get some rest.
Cid: Wait a minute! How in the screwy hell hole did you know about that!?
Vegeta: Let's just say I know the basics of... torture!
Yuffie: (getting up and holding her @$$) But he threatened to take my materia
away and give it to Cait's friend!
Cait's friend: Tequila man!!!!!!
Tifa: Let's go to sleep. I'm pooped!
Cid: Wait a minute I still....
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Go to bed Cid!!!
The middle of the night...
Vegeta: (comes out of the bathroom) Smooth as a baby's butt!
Aeris: Are you coming Vegeta?
Vegeta: Yes I'll be there in a minute.
Aeris: Hurry up! I'm gettin' horny like a hornet!
Vegeta: I better make my wish quickly or else I'll loose pleasure night for a
week! (goes in the closet and gets the Dragon Balls. He then goes to the
weapon's room and summons the Dragon)
Dragon: Yes I am the great Dragon. You may ask one wish from me and I'll grant
Vegeta: Any wish?
Vegeta: Well in that case I wish for... (gets interrupted)
Cait's friend: Fejita man!
Dragon: Your wish is my command!
Vegeta: I never made my wish!
Dragon: Too bad... (suddenly a fejita man appears)
Vegeta: HOLY S**T!!!!!
Fejita man: Hello, I'm a fejita man!
Cait's friend: Fejita man!!!!
Vegeta: Go to hell you waste of a wish! (shoots the fejita man and it dies)
Fejita man: I'll be back... (dies)
Cait's friend: Fejita man!
Vegeta: I'm gonna send you to another dimension you tequila drinkin' jack@$$!!!
Cait's friend: Tequila man! (running like hell but trips over Red)
Red XIII: Damn b*****d! Watch were your running!
Cait's friend: Tequila man!
Red XIII: Talk like a man you d**k! (mauls Cait's friend and kills him)
Red XIII: Ha Ha!
Vegeta: Thank you, Red. You saved me the time and trouble!
Red XIII: No problem! Now let's get some sleep!
Vegeta: Whatever... (returns to his room)
Aeris: What took you so long? I've been sitting here five minutes playing with
Aeris: What's so funny?
Vegeta: Nothing, dear (looks at her naked breasts) Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!! (you
guess what happens)
In the morning...
Dav: Ahhhh... that was refreshing!
Cloud: (trips over a stool) Ow! Who put this stool here!?!?
Barret: (sees the place trashed) Why in the hell is da' place trashed!?
Cid: I think someone let Yuffie out of her cage!
Aeris: Hey guys! Yuffie isn't in her room!
Cid: You mean she ran away!?
Barret: It's about time!!!!!
Tifa: Guys! Cait Sith and his friend are gone also!!!!
Cid: All right!!!!
Barret: Three down in one night!!!!!!
Red XIII: I killed Cait's friend last night.
Vegeta: (screams so loud the windows break) MY DRAGON BALLS ARE GONE!!!! I
GONNA GET THAT DAMN MATERIA B***H YET!!!!!
Dav: Uhhhhhhh.... did I miss something here?
Cloud: Yeah, I think I missed it too.
Aeris: Hey I found a note! It says "You guys all suck! I hate you all! I
decided to join a group of thieves called "Gerudo's Thieves". At least they
accept me for who I am! Screw you all!" and it's signed by Yuffie.
Tifa: Damn that's amazing!
Cid: Yeah! I didn't know anyone would accept Yuffie!
Tifa: That's not what I meant! Oh you're impossible!!!!!
Aeris: Who are these Gerudo's Thieves?
Dav: I believe I can answer that. There a group of female thieves that are a
bunch of gay lesbos!!!
Cloud: And they want Yuffie?
Red XIII: They're THAT desperate!?!?!?!?!?
Aeris: Never mind that! Dav, how good of thieves are they?
Dav: They COMPLETLY suck at stealing!!! They couldn't even steal candy from a
Red XIII: Where is their base located?
Dav: Somewhere in the Corel Desert, about 40 miles south of Corel Prison. On my
way over here, five of them tried to jump me, but I kicked their sorry @$$s with
my Justice Slash!!!!
Cid: What in the hell is that?
Dav: It's my limit break. I slash the enemy 20 times and then throw them in the
air with my sword.
Aeris: Sounds like Cloud's Omnislash.
Barret: Who's da' foo's leader?
Dav: His name is...
Vegeta: Canon Dork!!!!
Dav: You mean Ganondorf right?
Cloud: That's what Vegeta calls him.
Vincent: Well, if you guys are through talking may I suggest we find this group
of thieves and get our stuff back?
Vegeta: Yeah! I want my Dragon Balls back!
Cid: Is that all you care about!?!?
Vegeta: I care about Aeris!!
Aeris: Yeah, so shut up, Cid!!
Dav: I suggest we start looking in the Corel Desert.
Cid: All right everyone, lets mosey.
Cloud: Damn again! Stop saying it like a wimp! Can't you say "move out" or
Cid: Hey that's my line!
Cloud: Well you used my line!
Cid: I was being sarcastic you spiky haired son of a motherless goat!!!
Vincent: Cid...didn't cuss!?!?
Barret: Oh ma' God, it's amazin'!
Cid: Shut up you freakin' monkey... oh crud... I mean...oh man.
Tifa: C'mon Cid, don't fight it. Join our side.
Cid: I don't wanna join your side! Your side stinks!
Aeris: Cid, join the club!
Cid: I don't wanna join your DAMN club! Hey! I cussed! I cussed!
Tifa: Ah man he cussed!
Cloud: I knew it was too good to be true!
Dav: All right friends lets go!
AVALANCHE, Vegeta and Dav Cole head for the Corel Desert but make a quick pit
stop in Costa De Sol.
Cid: God I hate this damn place! It's too damn hot!
Tifa: Would you stop cussing already?
Cid: F**k you!
Cloud: Hey! Watch what you say to my honey!
Aeris: I'm hot as hell!
Vegeta: You sure are!
Dav: Hey, lets get something to eat!
Red XIII: Yeah, I'm starving!
They go inside the restaurant...
Princess Toadstool: C'mon Mario! I don't wanna sit here all day! Please decide
what you want or I'll break up with you!!!!
Mario: I want the pasta, not the pizza!
Toadstool: One large order of Spaghetti please!
Waiter: Coming right up! (comes back a couple of seconds later with a huge plate
Mario: I want the tetrazini (or whatever it's called) not the spaghetti!
Toadstool: You @$$hole! I should have never gone out with you! At least Bowser
could make up his mind what he wanted to eat! (takes the spahgetti and dumps it
all over Mario's head and then stomps madly out the door)
Cloud: That was pretty screwed up right there!
Vegeta: You said it!!!!!!!!!
Barret: Is dat' why Shera dumped ya', Cid?
Cid: How the hell would you know? You've never been on a date!!!!
Barret: I've been married before foo'!
Cid: Yeah to who, your cat!?
Barret: (once again, beats the s**t out of Cid) That'll teach ya' to mess with
Cloud: I bet you must have had a hell of a time cleaning up after her!!!
Barret: Shut up, foo'!
Dav: Let's eat guys!
They sit down at a table when they meet someone familiar...
Red XIII: Lets see what's on the menu... smoked ribs... liver... poopoo
platter... hey this sounds good! Spicy jalapeno chili!
Cloud: Oh great! Your gonna be farting for a month!
Red XIII: So what else is new?
Vegeta: (gets hit by a Deku Nut) Hey! Who the hell through that nut at me?
Link: Sorry about that. I thought you were someone else.
Vegeta: Well, as you can see, I'm not who you're looking for so buzz off and
play with your little bow and arrow and also that gay lookin' fairy flying above
Link: He's not gay! His name is Navi and he's a good luck fairy!
Navi: Yeah, I'm not gay!
Cloud: That's what they said about Cait Sith and look what happened.
Tifa: It's because he has his stupid tequila friend with him all the time!
Link: Who's Cait Sith?
Cid: A friend of ours who got kidnapped by a member of this gay thieve clan
called "Gerudo's Thieves!"
Link: Did you say Gerudo's Thieves?
Aeris: Yeah! Do you know anything about them?
Link: Of course I do! I'm a member!
Cloud: A member!?
Dav: Jump 'em boys!
Link: Oh s**t!
After beating the crap out of Link, AVALANCHE, Vegeta and Dav Cole went back to
Link: (covered in blood) Listen, I'm not an official member. I just have a
member's card so I could get in the desert and get to the Spirit Temple! I
wouldn't even dream of joining them for real!
Vegeta: We'll spare your sorry @$$ on one condition...
Link: What's that?
Vincent: You come with us to the desert and help get our stuff back!
Link: Fine, if you insist.
Cloud: Okay then, let's MOVE OUT!!!!
AVALANCHE, Link, Vegeta and Dav Cole get into the Highwind and head for the
desert. Meanwhile, at Gerudo's Fortress...
Nabooru: Everyone, I would like you to meet our new member. Her name is Yuffie
and she's an expert stealer. Yuffie, do you want to say a few words?
Yuffie: Yeah why not? (grabs the microphone) Hi everyone!
Everyone: Hi, Yuffie!
Yuffie: First off, I would just like to say that I'm really glad you guys
accepted me in your group. Second, I have some neat stuff here to auction off.
First, I have these wierd things you put over your eye (pulls out Vegeta and
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Read "The Day of Insanity" also written by me to understand the
stealing of the scouters.
Thief 1: I will pay 145 Rupees for it!
Yuffie: What the hell are Rupees?
Nabooru: It's the currency that this clan uses. One Rupee is worth about 2000
of your gil.
Yuffie: HOLY CRAP!!!!! THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY!!!!
Cait Sith: (in a bag) No s**t, Sherlock!
Yuffie: Shut up cat! Your gonna be auctioned off next!
Cait Sith: You b***h! You wouldn't dare auction me off!
Yuffie: Wanna bet?
Nabooru: Who the hell are you talking too?
Yuffie: My cat I brought to auction off!
Cait Sith: I'm not your cat you materia whore! Just wait until your father
finds out about this!!!!!!
Yuffie: Shut up! I don't HAVE a father! Remember!?(kick Cait Sith across the
Nabooru: You said you didn't have a father!!!!
Yuffie: No I don't and even if I did, what difference would it make?
Nabooru: Oh my, you seem to forget that ladies with fathers are not allowed in
Yuffie: I don't have a father I tell you!!!
Nabooru: Okay, I'll believe you but you better be telling me the truth!!
Cait Sith: (yelling from across the room) You're damn lucky I didn't suffer
Yuffie: Shut up!!! (throws a chair at Cait)
Cait Sith: Oh, my head...
Yuffie: ANYWAY, I'll begin the bidding at.... 250 Rupees!
Thief 2: That's rip off!
Thief 3: How 'bout a game of strip Poker with you?
Yuffie: I'm notta' queer, you sucky lesbo!
Thief 3: Hey, be nice!
Nabooru: Listen, let Yuffie get on with the auction. Yuffie, you may proceed.
Yuffie: Thank you, as I was saying I'll start bidding at 250 Rupees!!!!!!
Thief 4: 251!!!!
Yuffie: I have 251 Rupees! Do I have 252? No? How 'bout 253? No? Well then
these are sold to the thief in the gay looking outfit! Congratulations!
Thief 4: Yeah! I win! I win! You all suck pig's @$$!!!!! (runs up and gets
Thief 2: Dammit! I only have 32 Rupees!
Thief 1: Hey! I'm missing 50 Rupees!!!!!
Thief 4: (puts a scouter on and measures Thief 3's power level) Whoa! This
thing has a purty number -200 on it!!!!!
Thief 3: Hey let me see!
Thief 4: No way! It's my thingy that has as a purty number on it!!!
Thief 4: You guys are gay!!!!!!
Thief 2: So are you!!! We caught you last night playing strip Poker with master
Nabooru: Okay girls lets calm down...
Thief 4: I didn't know what she meant!!!!! If I had said no, she would have
summoned that lard @$$ on me!
Palmer: Yummie! Where's the lard!?!?
Thief 3: Eeeeewwwwwwwwww!!!!!
Palmer: (singing) Lard! Lard! The musical fruit! The more ya' eat, the more
ya' toot! The more ya' toot the better you feel! So eat your lard every meal!
Thief 3: Lard isn't fruit, fat man!!!!
Palmer: Don't say fat!!!!!
Nabooru: All of you, please....
Thief 1: Stay outta this whore!
Nabooru: What do you call me?
Thief 1: Whore, whore, WHORE! C'mon everybody join in!!!!!
Every thief: WHORE WHORE WHORE! WHORE WHORE WHORE!
Scarlet: (comes out) All of you shut up!!!!
Thieves stop fighting as they look over at Scarlet...
Scarlet: What seems to be the problem here?
Nabooru: Uh..uh not...nothing.... Master Scarlet! Everything is under
Yuffie: Master Scarlet!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Oh no! If I had known she was the acual
leader here I would never had joined!!!!!!!!!!
Scarlet: If everything is under control, why are there chairs smashed, people
beating the s**t outta each other and a robotic cat over there shouting "Kill
the materia whore!"?
Cait Sith: Kill the materia whore! Kill the materia whore!
Nabooru: Well, there was a tinsy winsy fight BUT everything IS under control now
believe you and me!!!!!!!
Scarlet: Well since I can sense your lying your pants off you must send five of
your thieves tonight to play strip Poker...
The four thieves: HELL YA"!!!!!!!
Scarlet: WITH PALMER!!!!!!!!!
The four thieves, Nabooru and Yuffie: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Palmer: Five girls! Five girls! Tra la la la la! Breasts of LARD!!!!!
Scarlet: Don't get so excited Palmer!!!!
Palmer: Oh man....
Scarlet: Anyway, Nabooru, you MUST make your decision tonight by 6:00pm!! (exits
the room, laughing her head off)
Thief 3: We are SO sorry Nabooru! We should take the punishment for this!!
Thief 4: Speak for yourself!!! (continues to play with the scouters)
Nabooru: No one will be punished because I have an idea.
Thieve 2: Really?
Thief 1: What is your brilliant plan?
Nabooru: (turns toward Yuffie) Didn't you say you had something that could grant
us a wish?
Yuffie: Yeah they're the 7 Dragon balls of Earth. If you summon the dragon
he'll grant you any one wish!!!!!!!!
Nabooru: In that case, we're gonna bring back our old leader!
Yuffie: I know how to summon the Dragon!
Nabooru: Please summon it immediately! Ganondorf should take out Scarlet with
no problem! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!
Back on the Highwind...
Vegeta: I'm bored!!!!
Aeris: I know of something you can do!!!!!
Vegeta: Hell ya'!!!!! (they head for their bedroom)
Cloud: Oh great now I'm bored!
Tifa: I know of something you can do!!!!!
Cloud: Hell ya'! (they also head for their bedroom)
Barret: I'm bored also!!!!
Cid: Don't start that s**t again!!!!
Link: I know of something you can do!!!!!
Barret: Get away from me you queer!!!!!
Link: Not that you jack@$$! I was gonna say you can clean the deck with Cid's
Cid: Now there's a good idea!!!!!
Barret: I won't do it foo's!!!! You can't make me!!!!
Cid: (smashes Barret over the head with his Mop) Too bad!!!! Now clean the damn
Barret: Damn! (looks over at Link) Your gonna die, foo'!!!!!
Link: (snickering) While your at that, my room could use a good cleaning
Barret: (thinking to himself) God only knows what's in there!
Cid: Yeah, Barret, clean all of the rooms also!!
Barret: Okay I'll clean the rooms!!!! (leaves the room) But I'll leave a
surprise in there...
Link: What an idiot!!! He believed us!
Cid: And you are gonna help him!!!!
Cid: That's right!!!! Now grab a bucket and a sponge and go help Barret!!!
Link: Goddammit!!!!!!!! (grabs a bucket and sponge and follows Barret)
Suddenly, they hear a loud crash...
Dav: What the hell was that?
Red XIII: I sounded like it came from the other room...
Cid: Well don't just stand there, go see what the hell it is!!!!!
Dav: (thinking to himself) What an @$$hole!!!!!!! (turns to Red) How can you
guys stand living with him?
Red XIII: You'll get a used to it, trust me. We all had too!!!!!
Dav: Yeah I guess your right!!!! (they walk through the hallway)
Red XIII: (approaches Cloud and Tifa's room)
Tifa: Oh Cloud! Harder baby, HARDER!!!
Cloud: Yeah baby!!!!
Red XIII: Hey Dav, come here quick!
Dav: What is it?
Red XIII: Listen, you can hear Tifa's moaning and groaning!!!!!
Dav: Hell ya'!
Voice: Uh excuse me?
Red XIII: AHHHHHH!!!
Dav: (turns around) Wh...wh..who are you?
Voice: My name is Goku. I came here because I heard Vegeta was here.
Red XIII: Vegeta's in there but I wouldn't go in there if I were you.
Goku: Ah c'mon it can't be THAT bad!
Dav: No wait don't... (Goku walks into Vegeta and Aeris' room)
Goku: Hey, Vegeta, are you in... AHHHHHHHHHH!
Vegeta: Goddammit, Kakarotto!!!! You could have at least knocked before you
Aeris: Wait a minute, you didn't lock the door!?!?!?!?!?
Aeris: Hey s**t happens!!!!
Goku: I may be a super Saiyan but I DO have weaknesses you know!!!!!
Vegeta: Ah what do you want!?!?!?!?
Goku: King Kai sent me here to help you guys retrieve the dragon balls.
Red XIII: It's not like it's gonna be hard or anything!!!!!!!
Dav: Well we should tell the rest of the crew about our visitor...
Goku: Sorry for dropping in like this but the door on the deck was locked!
Red XIII: Locked!?!? Barret knows better than to lock the deck door!!!!
Red XIII: (farts) Does that answer your question?
Dav: Ah! Christ! Did something crawl up your @$$ and die!?!?!?
Red XIII: Not to my knowledge.. (farts again) Ah! That's better!
Goku: Now that's what I call chemical warfare!!
A few minutes later on the Highwind...
Goku: And that's what King Kai told me.
Cloud: Well if Goku's right getting the dragon balls back won't be as easy as we
Barret: (with an apron on) So, whatta are we gonna do now foo'?
Link: (also has an apron on) Yeah, those thieves being lesbos gives me the willy
Cid: Hey look on the bright side! They could be bi!!!
Everyone: SHUT UP, CID!!!!!
Red XIII: Barret! Why did you lock the deck door?
Link: Oh I'm sorry, that was me who did that.
Cloud: You locked the deck door!?!?!? You idiot!!!
Link: What's so bad about that?
Cid: Show him Red!
Red XIII: Damn right I will!! (lets a big, sloppy, wet fart out on Link)
Link: AHHHH!!! The smell! The smell! The horrible smell!!
Dav: Anyway, like I said before these aren't your normal thieves.
Goku: Dav's right. They can manipulate us and make us have do their evil for
Tifa: That doesn't sound good!
Aeris: I'm scared now!
Vegeta: Thanks a lot, Kakarotto!!!!
Link: Hey that rhymed!!!
Cloud: No s**t Shelock!!
Vincent: Isn't that Cait Sith's line?
Cloud: Well, since he's not here I'm using it for right now.
Pilot: Sir! We've reached Midgar!!!
Cid: MIDGAR!?!?!? We are supposed to be at Corel Desert!!!!!!!
Pilot: I was just kiddin'! Yes we've reached Corel Desert!!!
Cid: Land the ship!
(Highwind lands near Gerudo's Fortress.)
Cloud: (looks down) Ah s**t!!!!
Red XIII: What's wrong Cloud?
Cloud: We landed in quicksand!!!!
Cloud: Your pilot landed us in quicksand!!!
Barret: I pity da' foo' who lands us in quicksand!!!!!!
Pilot: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Fools! Don't you realize who I am?
Dav: What? A gay demented retard that can't fly worth s**t?
Pilot: Besides that!!!!
Link: A mean person?
Pilot: Besides that!!!
Red XIII: Just tell us before I maul your sorry @$$ to death!!!
Pilot: (unmasks himself) It is I!!!!
Sephiroth: Yes, it is I, the Great Sephiroth!!
Cid: Your not great, your a pansy!
Sephiroth: So what if I am? What are you gonna do about it?
Cloud: We're gonna kick your sorry @$$ again!!!!
Sephiroth: Too late!!! Your gonna die in the quicksand!!!
Goku: Whatta jack@$$!!!!
Dav: You said it!!!!!!!
Vincent: So how our we gonna get to the Gerudo Fortress if we're surrounded by
Cloud: Something called a Gold Chocobo!!!!
Vincent: Do we have any aboard?
Red XIII: (sarcastically) No Vincent, we have horses aboard and they're gonna be
able to cross the quicksand!!!
Link: I have a horse!!!!
Vegeta: That's nice...
Goku: Well, Vegeta and I can fly and we'll be more then happy to carry the dog
Red XIII: I'm not a dog!!! I'm a crossbreed!
Goku: Dog, crossbreed, same thing!
Link: I have two pairs of Hover Boots so one of you guys can use a pair.
Barret: Cid will use one!
Cid: Why me!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Barret: 'Cause you suck and ya' a foo'!
Cloud: Sorry Cid...
Cid: Goddammit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This really sucks!!!!!!!
Aeris: Vegeta, carry me!!!!
Vegeta: Yeah baby!
Goku: I guess I'll have to carry the crossbreed!
Red XIII: The name's Red XIII!
Cloud: Okay then! There are three Gold Chocobos and the Buggy.
Vincent: I have the buggy...
Dav: You sure?
Vincent: Yeah, I have a bad case of Chocobo sickness!
Barret: Just like Yuffie!!!!
Vincent: Shut up!
Tifa: I guess I'll go with him!
Cloud: NO!!!! You can ride on the back of mine!
Cloud: All right crew, let's move out!!!!!!!
Cid: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' it like a wimp! Can't you say "let's get those
b***hs and get our stuff back?"
Cloud: How 'bout "GO TO HELL, CID!"
Cid: That would also work!!
They depart from the half-sunken Highwind.
Cid: S**t! I can't control these things! I feel like I'm gonna fall!!!
Link: Just go with the flow and you'll be fine!
Cid: Easy for you to say!!!! Wahh! Damn! That was close!!!
On the chocobos...
Dav: Damn! This guy reminds me of my Gold Chocobo back home!
Cloud: You have a Gold Chocobo of your own!?
Dav: Yeah, her name is Jessika. Her top speed is about 165-175 kph!
Cloud: Pretty fast chocobo!
Barret: I pity da' foo' who has a faster chocobo then me!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Don't make do what I did to Ash to you guys!
Barret: Sorry 'bout that foo'.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: No problem...
In the air...
Red XIII: Please don't drop me! Please don't drop me! I can't stand
Goku: Close your eyes and don't look down. Believe me, it helps.
Aeris: I'm in the mood for a song!
Vegeta: I know the perfect one! Hey Kakarotto! Lead us in a song!
Goku: Okay but I have to warn you my singing isn't the best!
Red XIII: Can't be worse then Barret's!!!
Barret: (voice echoing through the wind) I he-a-rd- t-ha-t f-oo'!
Aeris: What the hell was that?
Vegeta: Probably just an owl my dear!
Goku: Okay, here I go! ( starts singing to the theme of "Fly Away") I wanna fly!
Like a dragon fly! While eatin' an apple pie!
Vegeta: (starts singing along) Then I poke you in the eye!
Goku: (continues singing) And I start to cry! All over my apple pie! Then I
throw it at King Kai!
King Kai: (starts singing out of nowhere) Then I beat you with a fry!!
Red XIII: (not singing) What the hell was that!?!?
Goku and Vegeta: I wanna get away! I wanna f-l-y away! Yeah yeah yeah! I
wanna get away! I wanna f-l-y away! Yeah yeah yeah!
Aeris: (joins in the singing)I wanna throw Double D in grass! That's covered in
gas! So I can burn her @$$!
Red XIII: (starts singing) That won't last!
Aeris: It will be fast! When those piles of mass! Burn in flammable gas!
Tifa: (voice echoing through the wind) They're silicon implants!
Aeris and Red: I wanna get away! I wanna f-l-y away! Yeah yeah yeah! I wanna
get away! I wanna f-l-y away! Yeah yeah yeah! (songs done)
Goku: Great singing guys!
Aeris: Thank you Kakarotto!
Goku: Only Vegeta is supposed to call me that!
Vegeta: (sarcastically) Oh goody, I feel special now!
In the buggy...
Vincent: (listening to rap music)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: That traitor!!!!!!!!
Vincent: (not paying attention) I miss my Yuffie! I miss all the good times
we.....AHHHHH!! (crashes into a bolder and the buggy sinks into the quicksand)
Vincent: Ah nuts! Now I'm gonna have to transform into Chaos and fly to the
fortress on an empty stomach! (begins to fly toward the fortress)
At Gerudo's Fortress, Yuffie has finally summoned the dragon after three hours
of "fun" with a friend of hers!
Nabooru: Mr. Dragon, we would like to wish our old leader, Ganondorf, back.
Cloud you grant this wish?
Dragon: Your wish is my command!
(They hear horse noises outside. They all run outside to see Ganondorf
approaching the fortress)
Ganondorf: I'm back and with a vengeance! (getting ready to jump the gate)
Thief 2: It's Ganondorf!!!!!!
Ganondorf: Here I com.....Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (his horse trips over the gate.
Ganondorf falls to the ground and his horse crushes him to death, again)
Thief 3: Ganondorf died again!
Nabooru: Oh well, I didn't like or trust him anyway.
Thief 4: So, who's gonna be our rebel leader?
(They all turn toward Cait Sith)
Cait Sith: Oh no! You guys are out of your minds!
Yuffie: If you don't wanna be auctioned off, you must lead the rebellion!!
Cait Sith: Just you wait until Cloud comes! He'll teach you 100 things or two
about messing with me!
Nabooru: Shut your trap, cat or I'll shut it for you!!!!
Cait Sith: (sarcastically) Oh I'm really scared! I gonna get my @$$ kicked by a
whore! Oh the humanity!
Nabooru: Your testing my patience, cat!
Cait Sith: Well in that case you get a "F"!!!!
Nabooru: Guards! Seize that cat!
Cait Sith: Oh crap! I better run like hell!
(Guards catch him in seconds)
Nabooru: We have the cat! All right people, we're heading for the Spirit
Temple! Let's move out!
Yuffie: Hey that's Cid's line!
Yuffie: An ex-friend and lover of mine!
Nabooru: Oooooooooookay, well anyway lets go!
(The group of thieves head for the Spirit Temple as AVALANCHE, Goku, Vegeta and
Link arrive at the fortress)
Cid: Just great! It's deserted!!!
Tifa: (notices Vincent without the buggy) Hey Vincent! Where's the buggy?
Vincent: The boogy man took it....
Barret: Ooga booga foo'!
Cloud: I wonder where they went... (he hears a voice)
Sheik: (appears out of nowhere) They went to the Spirit Temple, across the
Dav: Who are you?
Sheik: My name is Sheik!
Link: Dammit Zelda! I know it's you so don't fart around!
Cid: That's Red's job!!!
Red XIII: And a good one at that!!!!
Zelda: (dripping with sarcasm) Okay okay I guess I can't fool you Link.
Dav: Holy crap! She's beautiful!
Cid: Not bad for a pointy eared person...
Zelda: Nice to meet you all. I'm Zelda, Princess of Hyrule.
Vegeta: Is that some far away planet?
Tifa: Is it a concentration camp or something?
Aeris: Show's how much you know!
Tifa: Shut up, Ancient b***h!!!!
Cloud: Both of you, stop it right now!!!!!
Tifa and Aeris: Sorry Cloud...
Zelda: No, it's a peaceful kingdom that is on the other side of the world.
Vincent: Sounds interesting....
Barret: C'mon foo's! We need to find Yuffie so we can get our stuff back!
Goku: Can you take us to this Spirit Temple?
Zelda: Of course, hang on! This could get rough!
Zelda plays the "Requiem of Spirit" and the crew is transported to the Colossus
outside of the Spirit Temple...
Zelda: We're here!!!
Dav: That ride totally sucked @$$!!! Someone one was squeezing my @$$!!!
Barret: Red farted in ma' face and I almost fell!!!
Red XIII: Barret wouldn't stop singing!
Vincent: Someone said my tarts sucked!!!!
Tifa: They do, Vincent!!!
Vincent: Only 2-cent whores think my tarts suck!!!
Tifa: Shut up! (does her chain of limit breaks on him)
Vincent: Owwwwwwwwwww, m'kay?
Aeris: Vegeta didn't squeeze my breasts!!!!
Tifa: Cloud didn't squeeze mine either!!!!!
Aeris: How could he!?!?!? They're silicon implants! They're hard as a rock!!
Tifa: Shut up, Ancient b***h!!!!!!
Cloud: Knock it off, you two!!!!!!
Aeris and Tifa: Sorry Cloud...
Cid: They didn't serve any goddamn tea or let me watch the Dukes!!!!!
Goku: I thought it was a descent ride. Someone told me I was hot!!!!
Zelda: Hee! Hee! Hee!
Cloud: Hey look over there!!! (points to two huge robots)
Link: What in tarnation are those!?!? They look scary!!!!!
Cid: That's because your a big baby!!!!!
Link: Shut up!!!!!! I'm a big boy!!!!!
Red XIII: Oh did you finally outgrow diapers baby!?!? What are you in now
Link: Shut up!!!!!!!!
(The crew walks over to the robots)
Red XIII: Damn those things are huge!!!!!!
Dav: Hey! Check it out! There's a refrigerator here!!!
Vegeta: Let's steal all of the drinks and run!!!!
Goku: For once that's a good idea! I'm thirsty as a dried up ocean!!!
Cloud: I guess it's okay to steal a few drinks! After all, we DO have to
survive out here while we look for the Spirit Temple.
Link: We can't do it guys!!!
Red XIII: Why not?
Link: Stealing is wrong no matter what!!!!
Cid: Yeah, bringing you with us wasn't the best idea either but we did anyway!!!
Vincent: Cid has a point there...
Link: Without me, you wouldn't have known the location of the Gerudos' fortress
Cloud: Dav knew where it was right?
Dav: Damn correct!!!!
Link: Well...... I knew the EXCAT location of it!!!
Zelda: Hush Link! I feel a presence near by!!!!
Red XIII: Who cares? I'm thirsty!!!
Cid: Yeah! (opens the refrigerator and takes out a can. He opens it and takes a
Cid: (spits the drink out) Ah crap! This s**t ain't tea!!!!
Cloud: It's called "Bartweiser"!!!!!!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: "Bartweiser" is beer you can get in Xenogears when you reach the
city of Bledavik. They're holding a festival that's celebrating the 500th
anniversery of the existence of their country, Aveh. There's a shop there where
you can get some "Bartweiser"!!!!
Dav: (takes a whiff of it) Whoa!!! This crap smells like poop!
Red XIII: It should be renamed to "Fartweiser"!!!!! Now that's my kind of
(AVALANCHE hears a couple of mysterious voices)
Mysterious voice 1: Hey! Get your hands off our beer you damn d**ks!!!!!
Mysterious voice 2: Yeah! That's our beer and you have no right taking it!!!
Barret: This s**t ain't beer!!! It tastes like pee foo's!!
Cloud: Yeah, it tastes like Sephiroth's gin!!!
Sephiroth: (appears out of nowhere) Only puppets don't like my gin!!!
Cloud: Shut up!!! (does Omnislash on Sephiroth)
Sephiroth: Ack!!! (disintegrates)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Read "FF7 Roadtrip!!!" by Cloud and Cait to find out about
Vegeta: Who are you and what's your business here!?!?!?!?
Guy 1: We might ask you the same question!?!?!?!?!?
Goku: We asked you first!!!!!!
Guy 2: Fine, we'll tell you. We're here 'cause we're taking a pit stop but we
can't seem to find a bathroom anywhere...
Cloud: You guys better not have went in these cans or I'll kick your sorry @$$s
across this gay desert!!!!!!!!
Guy 2: No! Of course we didn't!!!!!!!! What do guys think we are sickos!?!?
Guy 1: Hey Fei, should we tell them the "secret ingredient"?
Fei (from Xenogears): Shut up, Bart!!!! They don't need to know the secret
Vegeta: What secret ingredient!?!?!?!?
Bart (from Xenogears): Ah, it's nothing... bad... anyway, but that's not
Cloud: Well, I guess you guys aren't hostile so lets get on with the
introductions. I'm Cloud Strife and this is my hot, sexy, fun to pump wife Tifa
Tifa: (playfully) Cloud!!!!!
Dav: The name's Cole... Dav Cole!!!!!
Barret: The name's Barret Wallace, foo's!!!!
Cid: I want some tea!!!! I want some hash!!! I wanna watch the Dukes!!!!!!
Cloud: We all want you shut up!!!!
Fei: Who the hell is that!?!?!?
Tifa: Oh that's Cid!
Fei: What's his problem?
Red XIII: He has hemorrhoids!!!!
Cid: You disgusting crossbreed!! I don't have hemorrhoids!!!!!! (scratches his
Vegeta: I'm Vegeta...
Aeris: Or according to Cait's friend, Fejita! Oh by the way, I'm Aeris! I'm
what we call an Ancient.
Tifa: (talking to herself) Yeah, an Ancient b***h...
Aeris: Mind saying that to my face Double D!?!?!?!?!?
Cloud: Both of you cut it out NOW!!!!!
Tifa and Aeris: Sorry Cloud...
Goku: I'm Goku.
Zelda: (walks up beside Goku) I'm the Princess of Hyrule, Zelda.
Link: And I'm her boyfriend!!!!!
Zelda: I don't go out with fairy boys!!!!
Dav: Hahahahaahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Link is gay!!!!
Link: I am not gay!!!!
Vincent: Then why is there a fairy flying above your head?
Link: He's my good luck fairy!
Navi: Yeah so shut up!!!!!
Fei: Nice to meet you guys! My name is Fei Fong Wong.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Fei Fong Wong IS his name!!!
Link: Fei! Fei! Fei is gay!
Fei: Shut up you little prick! (does his Yamikei combo on Link, it knocks out 11
hearts out of 12 off Link's life meter)
Link: Oh....poopy that....hurt....
Bart: I'm Bartholomew Fatima, but people call me Bart.
Aeris: Hey Fei, what are those giant robots anyway?
Fei: They're called "Gears". It's one way we get around...
Bart: And let's not forget they're also one way we fight!!!!
Red XIII: Hey Bart, do you fart?
Bart: Yeah, but only when I've drinken about 12 "Bartweisers" in a day.
(suddenly AVALANCHE, Vegeta, Link, Zelda, Goku, Fei and Bart hear another
Mysterious voice 3: I fart when I want to.... if I take over a body to do so!
Fei: Oh great! Not him!
(The mysterious figure reveals himself as Grahf, a stupid s**tty worthless
excuse for a bad guy @$$hole, also from Xenogears)
Vegeta: Who is that weird looking prick!?!?!?
Goku: He looks worse than Frieza, for a cry in out loud!!!!!
Cid: Damn! This is all too confusing! I'm gonna sit on this rock and drink
some "Fartweiser".... I mean "Bartweiser"! (opens a can up and starts drinking)
Red XIII: Yeah, let me join you!!!!! (grabs a can and opens it with his paw and
Grahf: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I need your power,
Link: Fei! Fei! Fei is gay!!!
Fei: Don't make me beat the living s**t out of you again!!!!!!
Cid: Damn! I want some Brisk but this s**t'll have to do! (opens another can of
"Bartweiser" and starts drinking)
Red XIII: Damn correct... (takes another sip from his can)
Cloud: Shut up, Cid!!!!!
Fei: I not gonna give my power to an @$$hole like you!!!!
Grahf: Well, you have no choice!!
Fei: We'll just see about that!!!!! (Fei climbs in his gear, Weltall, and grabs
Grahf: Hey!!! Put me down!!! Your gonna pay dearly for this!!!
Fei: Alright!! This one's for the game! Kick the Grahf!!!
Grahf: Don't kick the Grahf!!!!!
Fei: KICK THE GRAHF!!!!! (kicks Grahf's gay @$$ across the desert)
Cid: (opens a third can of "Bartweiser") Yeah! Yeah! Finally, some action!!!!
This is almost as good as the Dukes!!!!!!!!
Bart: (climbs into his gear, Brigandier) And take your gay @$$ looking gear with
you! (kicks Grahf's gear across the desert and it blows up on impact, causing a
Zelda: Holy crap!!!!!
Barret: Dat' was one helluva an explosion!!!!!
Cloud: Hey Red, how come you can't make explosions like that when you fart?
Red XIII: ........I'm not touching that with a 50 foot pole!!!!!
Fei: Well we have to go now. It was nice meeting you all!
Bart: Gimmie that! (take Cid's beer can away)
Cid: I wasn't finished with that you @$$hole!!
Bart: Too bad!!!!!!!!!
Fei: We need to hurry, Bart. Elly's waiting for the dinner of a lifetime!!!
(climbs back in his gear)
Bart: On our way back let's stop at Taco Bell.
Chihuahua: (appears out of nowhere) Yo' quiero taco bell!!!
Red XIII: Talk like a dog you d**k!!!! (mauls the chihuahua to death)
Goku: Bye! See you around!!!!!
(Fei and Bart start their Gears up and fly away)
Vincent: An odd pair I must say...
Zelda: Well then, now that's over, let's head for the Spirit Temple!!!!
Cloud: Where is it? I don't see it anywhere.
Link: It's right there! (points to the entrance)
Vegeta: That's the Spirit Temple!?!?!?!?
Barret: I've seen better houses in da' Midgar slums!!!!!
Tifa: (smells the walls) And they smell better too!!!!!!!!
Link: (sees a rattlesnake looking at him) Hey! Whatta lookin' at!?!?
Zelda: Who the hell are you talking too!?!?!?!?
Link: That stupid snake that's staring at me!
Cloud: It's just a snake! He'll leave you alone if you leave him alone!
Snake: (sticks his tail up)
Link: He flicked me off!!!!!
Red XIII: Snakes can't flick people off, fairy boy!!!!
Dav: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Link's gay!!!
Link: I am not!!!!!
Navi: Don't call Link gay, you meanie! (divebombs Dav)
Dav: (holds his Atma Weapon straight up in the air and cuts Navi in half)
Dav: That takes of him!
Barret: Dat' was coo' foo!
Link: WAHHHHHHHH!! My only friend in the world is gone! WAAHHHHHHHH!!
Goku: Ah c'mon kid, you don't really need a fairy to protect you.
Link: (crying) Why not?
Barret: 'Cause day're stupid, gay and they piss on ya' head!
Link: Navi never did! He was poty trained!
Goku: Face it kid, you can't potty train a fairy!
Dav: Then that means Link isn't potty trained!
Link: Shut up! It's because of you, Navi's dead!
Dav: Hey, s**t happens kid.
Zelda: Dav's right, s**t DOES happen!
Vegeta: Dammit! Your holding us up!!!!! Leave the snake alone and let's get
Snake: (sticks his tail up again)
Link: He did it again!!!!!!
Zelda: If you don't leave the snake alone, your gonna get a spanking!!!
Link: That would hurt!!!!!!
Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!
Aeris: C'mon! I burning up here!!!!! Let's go inside the temple!!!!!
Tifa: I gotta pee! I gotta pee! Aeris, come with me!
Tifa: I said Aeris!!!!!
Vincent: Oh poopy....
Goku: I hope you gals realize the only bushes around for a thousand miles are
Cloud: Owwwwww!!!! That hurts just thinking about it!!!!
Cid: (walking around in a drunken craze) Duuhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Two plus two is
Barret: Well looky here! The tea drinkin' faggit is drunk!!!!!!!!
Cid: Duuuuuuhhhhhhhhh!!!!! I'm crazy for beer!
Vegeta: How could he be drunk!?!?!?!? He only had three cans!!!!
Dav: It must have been the secret ingredient that Bart and Fei were talking
Vincent: (grabs an empty can) Holy crap! It says here "Secret Ingredeint is
alcoholic pee water!!!!
Barret: I knew it!!!!!!!
Cid: (runs around with his shirt above his head) Hahahahahaha!!!! I am the
great Cornholio! I want TP for my bung hole!!!!!
Red XIII: Come here you drunk b*****d or I'll vaporize you with my atomic
fart!!!! (starts to chase Cid)
Cid: Are you threatening me!?!?!?
Red XIII: YES I AM!!!!
Cid: "Bartweiser!!!" Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah! "Bartweiser!!!"
Link: I'll take care of this!!!! (picks up a Deku Nut and throws it at Cid,
hitting him in the head and knocking him unconscious)
Link: I hit him! I hit him!
Aeris: Calm down!
Tifa: (approaching Cid) Cid's gonna have quite a hangover in the morning.
Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!
Tifa: Hey that's Cait's line!!!!
Goku: Where should we put him so he can rest?
Barret: How 'bout sending da' foo' on a one way trip to Cuba!!!!
Dav: Nah, that's being too nice.
Cloud: We'll leave him here for now. Right now, we have a mission to
Vegeta: Yeah, like getting my dragon balls back!!!!
Tifa: Plus rescuing Cait...
Red XIII: And let's not forget beating the living s**t outta Yuffie and her
Zelda: Okay then, follow me but stay close.
AVALANCHE, Link, Zelda, Goku, and Vegeta enter the Spirit Temple. Meanwhile, in
another part of the temple, the Gerudos are preparing for the arrival of their
new rebel leader...
Nabooru: Okay fellow thieves!!!! In a few minutes, a new leader will lead our
glorious rebellion against Scarlet! Before I have Yuffie and that cat summon
the dragon, does anyone wanna say something before we begin?
Thief 4: Turn on the radio, Nabooru!!!!!!
Thief 2: Yeah!!! Let's listen to Brittney Spears songs!!!!!
Thief 3: How about Shania Twain?
Nabooru: That's not not what I meant...
Thief 3: Let's party girls!!!!! (music starts playing and the Thieves start
dancing to the song "Steal my Sunshine")
Nabooru: Ack! Whatta you girls doing?!?!?!?!? Stop dancing to this sorry
excuse for a song before I get the sword out!!!!!
Thief 2: Oh poopy... (stops dancing)
Yuffie: (starts to dance)
Cait Sith: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I'm blind!!!!!!!!!
Yuffie: Sorry... (stops dancing)
Cait Sith: That's better!!!!!!
Yuffie: (rips her shirt open) Suck 'em Kaitty!!!!
Cait Sith: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! SOMEBODY SHOOT ME!!!!!!!
Nabooru: Enough both of you!!!! Okay, cat, wish us a new leader and don't try
Cait Sith: Yeah yeah we all wanna try something stupid... (goes into another
room with the dragon balls)
Cait Sith summons the eternal dragon...
Dragon: I am the Eternal Dragon. You have summoned me, therefore, you can make
Cait Sith: Mmmmmmmmmm.... let's see here.... uh....mmmmm.... uh...
Dragon: Would you hurry up? You're interuppting my date!!!
Cait Sith: Hold your scales I'm thinking!!!!!! (thinks to himself) Mmmm... the
Gerudos want a leader that can lead their rebellion but who......(evil grin
comes over his face) I know the perfect leader!!!!! This'll teach those f**kin'
Gerudo lesbos to mess with Cait Sith!
Dragon: Do you have a wish?
Cait Sith: Yes I do! I want you to bring back...
A few minutes later...
Thief 2: Ooooo... this is so exciting!!!! I hope he wishes Gondi back!!!
Theif 3: King Author would be a good leader!!!!!
Theif 1: It's King Arthur you b***h!!!!!
Theif 4: You girls are mistaking! He's gonna wish Hitler back!!!
Nabooru: WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!?!?!?
Thief 4: Uh... I said he's gonna wish Miller back!!
Thief 3: Who's Miller?
Thief 4: My mom's appendix.
Thief 3: EEEWWWWWWWWWW!!
Thief 2: No you didn't!!! You said he was gonna wish back Hitler!!!
Thief 4: Uh oh...
Nabooru: Don't EVER say that guy's name in my presence again!!!!! (draws her
Theif 4: Oh your sexiness!!!!! I'm so sorry!!! Please forgive me!!!!
Nabooru: Maybe God would forgive an ugly whore like you but I won't!!!!! (stabs
her in the leg with her sword)
Theif 4: Ack!!!!!
Yuffie: I hope he wishes Tinky Winky back!!!!!!
Theif 1: You like that gay show?
Yuffie: It's good education!!!!!!!!
Cait Sith: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
Nabooru: What's so funny?
Cait Sith: Your new rebel leader... has arrived!!!!
Theif 2: Oh did you wish Gondi back?
Cait Sith: No...
Theif 3: He wished back King Arthur!!!!
Cait Sith: Nope!
Theif 4: (holding her leg) He wished Hitler back!!!!
Nabooru: B***h!!! (kills the thief)
Cait Sith: Not quite but he's just as good as all of those other leaders!!!!
Yuffie: Who did you wish back?
Cait Sith: I present you, your new rebel leader!!!!!
Nabooru, Yuffie and the other thieves look toward the doorway, full of
excitement as the new leader walks out...
Elsewhere in the Spirit Temple, AVALANCHE and crew walk in...
Cloud: That's weird!! The outside looks like a house from Sector 7 slums but
the inside it's half-way descent!!!
Zelda: Be careful you guys. They're traps everywhere!!!
Barret: (a flying jar hits him in the head) Owwwww!!! Who's da' foo' who hit me
with dat' jar!?!?!? (looks toward Link)
Link: Oh yeah, blame the fairy boy!!!!!
Link: What's so funny!?
Dav: You just admitted you're gay!!!!!
Link: I am not gay!!!!!
Cloud: Yeah, that's what DiCrapio said and look at him!!!!!
Barret: I outta pound ya' @$$ in da' ground!!!!!
Link: Oh s**t.....
Tifa: Run Link...
Link: You...you're concern for me?
Tifa: ....before I shove Aeris' Princess Guard up your @$$!!!!
Link: (snaps his fingers) Rats!!!!
Goku: (a jar hits him in the head) Who did that? (looks toward Vegeta)
Vegeta: What are you looking at, Kakarotto!?!?
Goku: You just threw a jar at me didn't you!?!?!?!?
Vegeta: If I was gonna throw something at you, it wouldn't something weak and
pathetic like a jar (a jar hits him in the head) WHO THE F**K JUST HIT ME WITH
THAT JAR!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (looks toward Barret and Link)
Link: Don't look at me!!!!!
Barret: I wouldn't throw da' jar at ya' foo'!!!!
Vegeta: UUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! (charges up energy)
Link: OH F**K!!!!!!
Barret: We done for!!!!!!!
Vegeta: See you jack@$$s........in the next dimension!!!!
Link and Barret: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! We don't wanna die! We don't wanna die!!
Zelda: These jars are flying by themselves. No one is throwing them at any of
Vegeta: Crap! Just when I was about to blow them into the next dimension!!!
Barret: It's okay, foo'. We all wanna send da' fairy boy into da' next
Red XIII: Damn correct!!!!
Dav: Well now that's solved I suggest we find those Gerudo b***hes and get our
Aeris: Dav's right... we're just wasting time here accusing each other of
throwing jars at each other.
Zelda: So then, what's keeping us?
Ramza: Hey guys! Wait for me!!!!! (runs into the Spirit Temple)
Cloud: Oh great...
Ramza: Don't forget about me!!!!!
Red XIII: How could we?
Link: How did you get here!?
Ramza: Some Arabian person gave me a ride here!!!!
Aeris: Arabian person!?!?!?!? You mean a Gerudo?
Ramza: Well when she found out I was hiding in her cart, she told me I was a
little prick and to get the hell out of her cart and she kicked my exposed @$$
clear across the desert and......
Link: Do you know when to shut up!?!?!?!?!?
Vegeta: Beat it, squirt!!!!
Goku: Yeah! Little pricks like you don't belong here.
Ramza: Why are you guys so mean to me?
Dav: 'Cause we can be!!!!!! JUSTICE SLASH!!!! (slashes Ramza's @$$ to pieces
with his Atma Weapon)
Red XIII: Well, now since that little nuiscence is dead and won't bother us
anymore I suggest we continue our mission.
Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!
Tifa: That's Cait's line!!!!
Zelda: We should split into two groups. If one group, by any chance, happens to
get caught, the other group can rescue them.
Vincent: That is a wise idea.
Zelda: Okay then, Barret, Vincent, Aeris, Vegeta and I will take that tunnel
over there, while the rest of you take that elevator block in back of you.
Don't engage the Gerudos unless they attack first. Let's go!!!!!
Barret: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't ya' say "Let's find and
kick da' Gerudos' @$$s"!!!!!
Zelda: What Barret said!!!!
(the team splits into their two groups and begin their search for the Gerudos,
Cait Sith and the dragon balls)
On the elevator block, Cloud, Tifa, Goku, Red XIII, and Dav Cole reach the top
and walk down a tunnel...
Red XIII: In the tunnel! The mighty tunnel! The lion farts tonight! (lets a
big fart out)
Dav: Ah c'mon!!! That's getting old!!!
Red XIII: What is? That song or the farts? (farts again)
Goku: Dude, your gonna put a hole in the ozone layer if you keep doing that!!!
Cloud: He's right, Red. It's now a law that says you can only fart if you have
to or in situation where it's real funny.
Red XIII: (farts again) Was that funny?
Dav: Hey! I see a door!
Goku: (opens the door) S**t!!! The Gerudos are out there!!!!
Dav: Oh poopy!!!!!!
Tifa: Did they see you?
Goku: I don't think so.
Cloud: Just stay put for now!
Tifa: I have to pee! I have to pee!
Dav: You just went ten minutes ago!!!
Tifa: I didn't go!! How would you like it if you had to pee on a cactus with an
Ancient b***h making fun of your big tits!?!?!?
Dav: First of all, I don't have tits and second I wouldn't mind if Aeris was
watching me pee!!!!!!
Goku: Quiet guys!!! The Gerudos are discussing something!
Red XIII: Probably about ways on how to become better b***hes!!!
Goku: Yeah probably but it never hurts to listen.
Dav: Or is it.....
In the chamber with the huge statue, the Gerudos are "worshipping" their new
Thief 2: Oh great and glorious leader!!! Tell me, how many licks does it take
to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
Cait's friend: (has a cheesy @$$ gold-colored Burger King crown on with gold
colored wrapping paper around his shoulders plus a large Deku stick in his right
hand) Tequila man!!!
Thief 2: Oh that explains everything!!! Thank you oh glorious leader!!!!
Cait's friend: Tequila man!!!
Cloud: Did I just hear who I think I heard?
Tifa: Well, if you heard a tequila holic that always says "Tequila man!" and
goes by the name Cait's friend, then yes, you did hear what you thought you
Cloud: How can he be alive!?!?!?
Goku: Maybe he was wished back with the dragon balls.
Cloud: But who would be retarded enough to wish him, of all people, back!?!?
Tifa: It was either Cait Sith or the materia whore!!
Cloud: Probably Yuffie, that desperate b***h!! She is such a s**tty person!!!!
Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock!
Tifa & Cloud: That's Cait's line!!!!
Thief 3: Oh glorious leader! My girlfriend's friend, Chase, is harrasing her
with his dildo. What should she say to him?
Cait's friend: Tequila man!!!
Thief 3: Oh thank you!!! I'll be sure to tell her!!!
Dav: Whatta pervert!!!
Cloud: Damn correct!!!!
(in the tunnel)
Barret: Which door foo'!?
Zelda: Let's go through the middle one but run as fast as you can because if you
linger in one place for too long that Beamos will fire a laser at you!!!
Vegeta: Oh you mean like he's about to now?
Zelda: S**t!! Run everybody!!!
Aeris: Vegeta hold me!!!
Vegeta: With pleasure!!! (grabs her between the legs and runs)
Barret: Oh sheet that was close!!!
Vincent: (not paying attention, gets hit by the laser beam) AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Vegeta: Serves you right for not paying attention!!!!!!!!!
Vincent: Shut up....
Zelda: Through the door, quickly!!!
(the six go through the middle door)
Barret: Whew!!! We're safe at last!!!!
Zelda: Thank goodness! We should be safe for.... AHHHHH!!! (a Like Like grabs
and swallows Zelda)
Link: Rip her clothes off!!!!
Barret: Hey!! That's not a bad idea!!!
Vincent: That would be an interesting site.
Zelda: (inside the Like Like) You perverts!!! When I get out of here, you'll be
Barret: Hurry Vincent!!! Destroy dat' monster so Zelda comes out naked!!!!
Link: Naked Zelda!!! Naked Zelda!!!! Naked Zelda!!!
Vincent: (shoots it with his Outsider)
Like Like: (in a gay squeaky voice) Oh poopy... (disintergrates)
Zelda: Oh that sucked!!!!!
Link: I can't take it anymore!!!!!!!! (runs over to Zelda and begins raping her)
Vegeta: Turn around guys!!! This could get ugly!!!!
Link: My dream's finally coming true!!!!
Zelda: Help!!! Rape!!! RAPE!!!!
Zelda: If you don't stop raping me, I'm gonna blow off your wee wee!!!
Link: No!!! Not my wee wee!! (gets off of her)
Zelda: That's better!!!!!! If you EVER do that again you'll live to regret
it.... BIG TIME!!!
Zelda: Anyway, let's get to this wall over here. It can be climbed so let's
(the six start climbing the wall)
Vegeta: Hey kid, that MUST'VE taken guts to do!! Even I wouldn't be able to
pull that off!!!
Link: Actually it was a sudden urge and...
Vegeta: Shut up!! Your busting up my rhythm!!! (knocks Link off the wall)
Link: AHHHHHH!!!! (hits the floor) Owww! Ok?
Vegeta: Cheap loser!!!
Link: Hey don't be so mean!!!! (Hookshots up the wall)
Within seconds, the six heroes get to the top of the wall...
Zelda: Okay, here, we need to reflect the sunlight on one of the suns to open
Barret: Hey! I just saw something!!!
Vincent: I feel a presence in here...
Aeris: It's because we're in here, dips**t!!!!
Vincent: Not that kind of presence, I mean an evil.... AHHHHHHHHH!!! (an
invisble Wallmaster punches Vincent across the room, sending him smashing into
the wall) Ohhh.... my head...
Barret: What was dat'!?!?!?
Wallmaster: (punches Barret across the room and into another wall)
Barret: That.... hurt!!!!
Aeris: Vegeta hold me!!!
Vegeta: With pleasure!!! (grabs her between her legs)
Aeris: Ohhhhh, Vegeta!! That turns me on!!!!
Zelda: (thinking to herself) Oh please...
Link: I'm scared!!! Zelda, hold me!!!
Zelda: No way you "Zelda molester"!!!!!
Link: Well I said I was... WAHHHHH!!!!
Wallmaster: (punches Link into one of the sun faces on the wall)
Link: S**T!!! I didn't think it would hurt THAT much!!!!
Vegeta: (thinking to himself) I sense he's near...
Wallmaster: (charges at Vegeta from behind)
Vegeta: (jumps over the Wallmaster) Now to get rid of you once and for all!!
(Vegeta charges up a fireball and fries the Wallmaster with it)
Wallmaster: Ack!!! (dies)
Zelda: You guys okay?
Barret: I could be better...
Vincent: Yes, I have to agree on that.
Aeris: What about you, Link?
Aeris: Link? Are you okay? LINK!!!
Link: (singing) I'm a little teapot short and stout!!! Here is my handle and
here is my....
Vegeta: (smacks him) SNAP OUT OF IT YOU RETARDED S**THEAD!!!!
Link: Uhhhh... where am I?
Vegeta: (sarcastically) Your in hell...
Link: You mean I died!?!?!?!?!?!?
Zelda: He was being sarcastic you stupid fairy!!!!
Link: Oh... sorry...
Zelda: Okay then, now we need to open the door. Barret, help me move the mirror
around. Link, stand by each sun as we point the ray at them. The rest of you
get ready to go through the door.
Vegeta: If you don't mind, me an Aeris are gonna make out for a while.
Aeris: Oh Vegeta!!!!
Zelda: Suit yourself!!! Ready Barret?
Zelda: Ready Link?
Link: I'm ready for you baby!!!!
Zelda: I guess that means yes. Okay, Barret, help me move it to the fartest
(Barret and Zelda move the mirror to the sun face farthest to the left. It
makes a farting noise then a little note card pops out)
Link: Hey a note!!!
Vincent: Please read it.
Link: It says "Use the Mirror Shield, you dips**t!!!"
Zelda: Oh yeah I forgot, we can use the Mirror Shield to reflect light!!!!
Link: Okay here it goes!!! (shines light on the second sun and again a note pops
Barret: Another note, it says "Look behind you"
Voice: Ah ha ha haaaaaaaa!!!!
Barret: Oh no please don't let it be him!!!
Vincent: It's a projection of Pee Wee Herman!!!!
Aeris: (takes tongue out of Vegeta's throat) AHHHHHHHH!!!!
Vegeta: What's he doing here!?!?!?!?!?!?
Pee Wee Herman: Hi boys and girls!!! AH ha ha haaaaaaaaa!!!!
Link: Gimmie outta here!!!! (rams the door but nothing happens)
Vegeta: Weak prick!!! Let me show you how it's done!!!! (fires another fireball
at the door and it blows open)
Vincent: Quick, through the door!!!
(the six heroes get through the door)
Vegeta: I'll take care of you!!! SOLAR FLARE!! (fires it at the projection and
Link: Where are we?
Zelda: SHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I hear voices!!!!!
Barret: Well spank ma' @$$ and call ma' Charley!!! It's da' Gerudo b***hes!!!
Vegeta: And they're the dragonballs!!!!! And what in the hell is that thief
doing with my scouter on!?!?!?!?!?
Zelda: Keep it down!!!! Let's eavesdrop!!!
Barret: I can't see!! I'm climbin' da' stairs!!!
Vegeta: I'm coming too!! (grabs a sheet he found off of a statue)
Aeris: Be careful!!
Vegeta: You know I will!!!!
(down in the chamber)
Theif 3: Oh great leader!!!! Since we will be going into battle soon, we need a
battle cry!!! Could you please give us one?
Cait's friend: Ummmm.... ummmmm....
Barret: What da' hell is dat' foo' doin' back!?!?!?!?
Vegeta: Someone must have wished him back with the dragonballs!!!! S**T!!!!
Cait's friend: Ummm... (looks up and sees Vegeta)
Vegeta: Crap!! He saw me!!!!
Cait Sith: Vegeta!?!? That means Cloud and the rest of them are here too!!!
Cait's friend: (points up to the ledge) Fejita man!!!
The thieves: Fejita man!!!
(down in the doorway)
Cloud: Crap!!!! Cait's friend must have seen Vegeta!!!!!
Tifa: What do we do now?
Dav: (draws Atma Weapon) All we can do is sit tight!!!!
Red XIII: (farts again) Agreed!!!
Cloud: (draws Ultima Weapon) Didn't we tell you to stop farting all the
Red XIII: Hey I had to okay!?!?
(in the chamber)
Nabooru: Okay thieves!!! That's our new battle cry!! Remember it!!!
Yuffie: Wait!!! Nabooru!!!
Nabooru: Yes Yuffie what is it?
Yuffie: I know why Cait's friend said that!!!!!
Yuffie: He must have seen Vegeta!
Nabooru: Who's this Vegeta character!?!?
Yuffie: One of Cloud's new friends. If Vegeta is here, then Cloud's here
Nabooru: Who's Cloud?
Yuffie: My former "boss" I shall say.
Nabooru: Okay Yuffie, I'll take your word for it (looks up at the ledge).
Hey!!! Whoever is up there better show themselves now before I send my forces
Vegeta: Yeah, like they're really gonna cause any harm!
Barret: What do we do now, Vegeta?
Vegeta: (notice the sheet he got off the statue) I have an idea!!!
Outside of the Spirit Temple, our friend, Cid, is starting to recover from his
Cid: Ah crap!!! What the hell happened? (looks around and sees no one there)
Hey!!! Where in the hell is everyone!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Voice: Do you want power?
Cid: Huh? What?
Voice: Do you want power?
Cid: Who are you!?!?
Voice: I asked, do you want power?
Cid: I guess...
(the voice reveals himself as Grahf, from earlier. He's all covered in smoke
and blood and as a walking cast on his foot)
Grahf: You want to help your friends right?
Cid: I would if I knew where they are!!!!!
Grahf: They're battling the evil Gerudos in the Spirit Temple, just right over
Cid: Hey wait a minute!!! You look familiar!!!! Yeah, you're the one that Fei
character kicked across the desert!!!
Grahf: Yes, just bring up that story why don't ya'?
Cid: You were saying something about giving me power?
Grahf: Ah yes! You see, I have a good selection of guns for you to buy. I have
sub-machine guns, pistols, shotguns, peashooters, automatic rifles, rocket
launchers, peeshooters, shitguns and other state of the art guns!!! So what'll
Cid: Mmmmmm.... I kinda' like the shitgun and the peeshooter but I'll have to
take an automatic rifle!!
Grahf: Good choice sir!!! That'll be 3000 gil!!!
Cid: For a gun!?!?!?!?!?!?
Grahf: Hey, I have to make a living too, you know!!!
Cid: Lemme test it out first. Do you have any targets I can shoot at?
Grahf: No I don't but...
Cid: (aiming the rifle at Grahf) I just found one!!! Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!
Grahf: No! Wait! Stop!!
Cid: Bye! Bye! (blows Grahf's @$$ away)
Cid: Damn this baby's powerful!!! Okay guys, I'm coming to the rescue!!! (runs
into the Spirit Temple)
(in the chamber)
Nabooru: I repeat!!! Whoever is up there, reveal themselves!!!!
Barret: Are ya' sure dis' is gonna work foo'?
Vegeta: Yes it will, trust me!!!
Link: (sneaks up the stairs) Here Barret, you'll need my Longshot and my
Barret: Thanks foo'!!!
Nabooru: This is your last chance!!! I'll ask one more time!! Who is up
Barret: (has the sheet over his head with two holes punched out for the eyes)
Whahahahahahahaha!!! It's me!!! Da' Boogie Man!!! Whahahahahahaha!!
(hookshots to the platform in the air)
Thief 2: Oh it's the Boogie Man!!!!
Thief 3: I'm scared!!!!!
Thief 1: He's gonna kidnap us!!!!!
Cait Sith: Whatta bunch of pussies!!! Don't they realize it's Barret under a
cheap @$$ sheet!?!?!?
Red XIII: That's Barret under that sheet!!!
Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!
Barret: I'm da' Boogie Man!!! (longshots over to the chest that's in the big
statue's left hand)
Nabooru: (throws a ninja star at the chain of the hookshot, snapping it)
Barret: (falls and smashes into the ground) WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Oww!!
Nabooru: Who are you!?!?!?!? Are you Cloud or Vegeta?
Barret: I'm no sayian if dat's what ya' mean 'cause I'm da' Boogie Man!!! Ooga
Thief 2: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Thief 1: The Boogie Man gonna eat us!!!
Yuffie: Can't you see it's Barret under a sheet!?!?!?!?
Barret: Who's Barret? I'm da' Boogie Man!!!! (steps on the back of the sheet
and it rips in half, revealing Barret)
Nabooru: Ah ha!!! I knew it!!! An imposter!!! Girls, get him!!!!
Barret: OH S**T!!! (drops the Bombchu and runs like hell toward the stairway
where Link and the others are hiding)
Thief 2: AHHHHHHHH!!! It's a Bombchu!!!!
Thief 1: Split up so it doesn't hit us!!!! (the Gerudos split up into two
Goku: Damn!!! The Bombchu missed the Gerudos!!!!
Red XIII: That's all we needed!!!!
The Bombchu climbs up the statue and explodes, making the lower half of the
Cait's friend: (looks up to see the part of the mouth falling toward him)
Tequila man... (falls on Cait's friend and dies, again)
Nabooru: Yuffie!!! Take the dragonballs and the cat to Ganon's Castle. Our...
buyers will meet you there!!!!
Cait Sith: I don't care if you threaten me, torture me or take my Dr. Pepper
away, but I refuse to go anywhere with materia b***h!!!
Nabooru: That's too bad, 'cause we have buyers that are gonna pay good money for
Cait Sith: Your gonna pay for this, whore!!!!
Nabooru: Yuffie, play this on my harp. It'll warp you directly to Ganon's
Castle!!!! (plays the "Song of B***hes" on her harp)
Yuffie: Okay!!!! (plays the tune and warps to Ganon's Castle along with Cait and
Cait Sith: Your gonna pay you worthless excuse for a whore or for anything for
Yuffie: (shoves a bomb in Cait's mouth) Shuddup Kaitty!!!!
Vegeta: The dragonballs are gone again!!!! It's time to rid these b***hes of
Zelda: Agreed!!! You ready Vincent?
Vincent: As I'll ever be.
Zelda: You ready Link?
Link: Yes ma'am!!!!
Cloud: Okay guys, let's go!!!!
Dav: Right!!! Everyone with swords take them out!!!!
Dav and Cloud take out their swords...
Vincent: Barret, here's what we'll do. We'll jump off of this platform. While
in mid-air, fire at as many Gerudos as possible.
Barret: No prob, Bob!!!!
Zelda: Link! Go help Barret and Vincent by shooting light arrows at the
Link: You sure you don't need help here?
Zelda: Don't worry about me just go!!!
Link: Yes ma'am!!! (runs up to the ledge and gets ready to fire a light arrow)
Vegeta: Kakarotto!!!! Let's fire some energy shots on these stupid, retarded
Goku: Right!!! We'll fire when Vincent and Barret fire their guns!!!
Vincent: On the count of three.... 1...3!!! (Barret and Vincent jump off the
ledge and start firing on the worthless Gerudos below)
Goku: Now Vegeta!!!! KA-ME-YEH-ME-HE!!!! (fires it down on the Gerudos)
Vegeta" GALIC GUN!!!! (fires it on the Gerudos)
Link: I regret joining this piece of s**t group!!! (about to fire a light arrow
when a jar hits him. He fires the arrow)
Barret: Die you b***hes... (Link's light arrow goes up his @$$) AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
(turns toward Link) Watch what ya' firin' at, foo'!!!!
As the fighting continues, they hear a familiar voice...
Cid: (running in firing his automatic rifle) I'm a maniac!!! Maniac!!!
Cid: Hey everyone!!!
Dav: Where did you come from and where did you get that kick @$$ rifle!?!?
Cid: Let's just say I.... "bought" it from someone outside!!!
Aeris: Get'em Cid!!!!
Cid: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Feel the wrath of the almighty Cid!
Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! (guns down a bunch of thieves)
Red XIII: He's whooping @$$!!!!
Cloud: No s**t, Shelock!!!
Cid: You can't stop me!!!!! I'm king of the world!!! (shoots down the last of
Cid: Ah does that hurt?
Barret: Good job, foo'!!!!
Zelda: You were great!!!!
Cid: Thanks you guys!!!
Dav: We're gonna have to postpone the celebration for later. Nabooru's still
alive and Yuffie still has Cait Sith and the dragonballs!
Tifa: Problem #1 won't be hard to fix!!!! (walks over toward Nabooru, who's
holding her leg from a gunshot wound)
Nabooru: Hold it right there!!!
Tifa: Why should I!?!?!?
Nabooru: Because I have a wienie and I'm not afraid to use it!!!!
Red XIII: Be careful! It's an Oscar Meyer one!!!!
Link: AHHHHHHHH!!!! It had to be an Oscar Meyer one didn't it!?!?
Nabooru: That's right!!! The smart thing to do is to stay back!!!!
Cloud: Sorry b***h! We just don't have the time!!! (stabs Nabooru through the
Nabooru: Ack!!! (dies)
Vegeta: Where did that b***h go with the dragonballs!?!?!?!?
Dav: I overheard she warped to Ganon's Castle with Cait Sith.
Goku: Why there?
Dav: Nabooru said there were buyers for the stuff Yuffie and the rest of the
Gerudos stole and I believe she's gonna sell Cait Sith to these guys also!!!
Aeris: We have to get there and FAST!!!!
Zelda: I can get us there before you can say "Mr. Poopy Pants!" (takes out her
ocarina of time)
Cid: Whoa!!! Cool!!! Can I see it real quick?
Zelda: Yes but please hurry and be careful!!!
Cid: You can count on me!!!! (drops the ocarina and it smashes)
Red XIII; That made a cool sound!!!
Zelda: What happened!?!?!?
Cid: I had a tinsy winsy accident with your instrument...
Zelda: That's okay, I can fix it in a heartbeat! (fixes the ocarina)
Cid: Cool!!! Give it here!!!!
Cloud: Cid, stop fooling around!!! We need to get Cait and the dragonballs
Cid: Hold on a minute will ya'!?!?!? (drops the ocarina on purpose)
Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
Zelda: STOP SMASHING MY OCARINA YOU
Red XIII: Whoa!!! Zelda pulled a Cid!!!
Aeris: And a good one at that!!!!
Vegeta: C'mon!!!! We don't have all day you know!!!!
Zelda: Well then, let's get moving...
Sephiroth: (appears in front of them) I'm gonna rule the world!!!
Cid: Yeah yeah we all wanna rule the world!!!
Vincent: ... Yes we sure do...
Sephiroth: I will become with the planet!!!
Red XIII: You'll become one with compost if you don't shut up!!!!
Sephiroth: Your spirits will merge with mine!!! Wahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Cloud: F**k off, fruitcake!!! (does Omnislash on his @$$)
Sephiroth: Ah crap... I guess it's back to hell for me!!! (dies)
Dav: That's the last we'll see of him, hopefully.
Link: (looks over toward the wall) It's that snake again!!!
Vegeta: Oh great! That's all we need!
Link: Don't you be cussing me out!
Goku: Snakes can't cuss people out, moron!!!
Tifa: Damn correct!!
Link: Than how come he's slithering at me?
Zelda: BECAUSE SNAKES SLITHER YOU STUPID RETARD!!!!
Link:...Oh, well I guess that explains it then!!!
Link: That's it!!! Your gonna pay!!! (starts chasing the snake)
Snake: (slithers away toward his hole)
Cloud: (grabs Link) Not this time fairy boy!!!
Link: Ah man! Why can't I have any fun!?!?!?
Barret: 'Cause ya' suck and ya' a foo'!!!
Link: I'm not a foo'!!
Zelda: Everyone shut up and let's go!!
Vegeta: Yeah! I need those dragonballs back!!!
Cid: This is all too complicated! Screw you guys, I'm going home!!!
Aeris: Hate to break it to you, Cid, but the only way out of here is the
Cid: The what?
Aeris: The ocarina.
Cid: The Macarena!?!?!?!?!? (starts doing the Macarena) Hey Macarena!!!
Link: That looks like fun! Let me try!!!! (starts doing the Macarena)
Red XIII: Oh my God...
Cid: Hey Aeris, I'm doing the Macarena but I haven't warped yet!!!!
Aeris: No!!! The OCARINA not the Macarena!!!
Cid: Oh, well what's an ocarina?
Zelda: My instrument that you kept breaking in the temple!!
Cid: Oh yeah that thing!! (grabs the ocarina and smashes it)
Dav: Don't start that s**t again!!!
Zelda: I told you to stop breaking my ocarina you jack@$$!!!!! (kicks Cid in the
Tifa: Listen guys we can't be fooling around! We need to get Cait and the
draginballs back quickly!
Zelda: Okay guys! Hang on! Next stop, Ganon's Castle!!!
Zelda plays the "Song of B***hes" on her ocarina and the crew warps to Ganon's
Zelda: We're here!!!
Barret: Dis' is Ganon's castle!?!?
Dav: What a crock of s**t! Why would Yuffie wanna come here!?!?
Cloud: Maybe because Yuffie IS a crock of s**t!!
Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock!!
Cloud: Hey that's Cait's line!!!
Red XIII: Why are you using it then if it's Cait's line?
Cloud: 'Cause I can and 'cause I feel like so shut up!!!!!!
Vegeta: Crap! There's no way in!!!!!
Link: There's a rainbow road that leads there.
Aeris: I don't see a rainbow road.
Link: What do you mean you don't see it!?!? It's right over... Hey!! Where did
the road go!?!?!?!?
Zelda: I don't know!! Let me ask the sages!!! (closes her eyes) Oh sages, why
have you taken down the rainbow road of good? Please, sages, if the dragonballs
fall into those buyers' hands it's the end of the world as we know it!
Rauru: (appears, drunk and singing) It's the end of the world as we know it!
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel like s**t! (falls down in a
Zelda: That would explain why rainbow road is down! Rauru, how can you get
drunk at a time like this!?!?
Rauru: Duhhh! Mee not drunk!! Mee never felt better in mee life.. Oh (barfs)
Ruto: (runs up next to Rauru) You all right Mr. Rauru?
Rauru: I'm... I'm... all right! Say you're a hotty! Wanna barf with me!?!?
Ruto: Hell no!!!
Zelda: Ruto!!! Why is Rauru drunk!?!?!?
Ruto: We had a party for the celebration of Nabooru's death! Nabooru, that hoe!
She is such a whore!
Zelda: Never mind that!! We need the rainbow bridge and we need it now!!
Ruto: Okay, okay hold your horses! (creates the rainbow road again) There!!!
Zelda: Thank you Ruto. You've been most helpful!
Ruto: Don't mention it!
Rauru: Duhh!!!! Hey baby!! Ya' need a waxing? I charge free!!
Ruto: What are you talking about!?!?!?
Rauru: Heh heh... wax... wax is funny!
Ruto: Talk like a leader you drunken d**k! (kicks Rauru in the nuts)
The rainbow road once again appears...
Zelda: The road should be there now so let's cross and finish what we came to
Tifa: I see the road...
Dav: And I see two Gerudo guards guarding the entrance!!!!
Link: CRAP!!!! What do we do?
Cloud: I have a plan! Dav and I will be on either side of these rocks. Link,
you go on Rainbow Bridge and lure the guards out here. When you do, SPLAT!
They'll be gone before they can say "Oh poopy"!
Link: Okay but... hey!!! Why do I have to be the bait?
Cid: If you wanna be a hero kid now's your chance to prove yourself!
Link: This hero thing sucks @$$!!!
Cid: Hey, s**t happens!
Zelda: Link, if you do this favor, I'll...you know...
Link: HELL YA!!!!!
Guard 1: What the hell was that!?!?
Link: Oh s**t!!
Guard 2: Probably just a peacock or something. Don't let it distract you from
your duty as a Gerudo guard!
Guard 1: Yes ma'am!!!!!!!
Vegeta: Quiet down you little prick! You almost got us seen!
Dav: You ready Link?
Goku: Too bad! Now here, take these girl scout cookies I took from a dead
Gerudo. Make it look like your selling them!
Link: (looks inside the box) No way! There's a cockroach in here!
Cloud: Just get your sorry @$$ moving on that bridge!
Link: Dammit!!!! (walks onto the bridge)
Barret: Whatta foo'! He couldn't foo' nobody wit' dos' cookies!
Tifa: Quiet! Your gonna give us away!
Guard 1: You there! Stop! Who are you!?!? You have no business here!!
Link: (in a girl voice) Hi ladies! I'm selling this box of girl scout cookies
to raise money for my... uh... for my...
Dav: (whispers) Stupid retarded mother who is mentally ill!
Link: Yeah that's it! For my stupid retarded mother... HEY!!!
Dav and Cloud: (snickering)
Guard 2: We're not interested now scram!
Guard 1: Wait! I am kind of hungry! I'll by the box! How much?
Cloud: 2 Rupees, plus a free ticket to hell!
Link: 2 Rupees plus you get a bonus prize, a free first class ticket to hell!!
Guard 1: Cool! It's a deal!
Link: Here you go then! Oh and I'm not really a girl scout cookie seller. I am
Link, your worst nightmare! Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah! (runs toward Cloud and
Guard 2: An imposter! Get him!
Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! (dives behind a rock)
Guard 1: He dove behind that rock!
Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock! (elbows the guard in the face)
Guard 2: What the...!?!?!?
Dav: (elbows the other guard in the face) That'll teach them to mess with us!!
Vegeta: All right, we did it! Now let's storm the castle and get my dragonballs
Cloud: All right everyone, let's mosey...
Cid: Damn again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't you say "Move out" or
Cloud: Why the hell do you always complain about what I say!?!?
Cid: 'Cause your sayin' it like a wimp!!
Goku: We don't have time for this you two!!!!!!
Tifa: He's right you know! We have a mission to complete!
Cloud: Right! Let's go!
Cid: (looks back and sees the cookies) Whoa! They left the cookies behind!
I'll take these in case I get hungry! (picks up the bag of cookies and follows
the rest of the team into the castle)
AVALANCHE and crew run across the rainbow bridge and into Ganon's Castle.
Meanwhile, in the room with the boss key in it...
Scarlet: He's late! Where is Ganondorf!?!?
Yuffie: (playing with a magnet and a grenade) Magnet sticks on! Magnet sticks
off! Magnet sticks on! Magnet sticks off! Hey, Scarlet, look! The magnet
sticks to the grenade! Pretty cool huh?
Cait Sith: (tied up in chains) It took you this long to figure that out!?!?!?!?
Yuffie: Shut up!
Scarlet: Stop playing with the merchandise!!!
Yuffie: Ah crap! (puts the magnet and grenade in her pocket)
Scarlet: Yuffie, I gonna ask you something.
Yuffie: What? (starts playing with a scouter) Hey! Numbers! Numbers are cool!
Scarlet: I said stop playing with the merchandise!
Yuffie: I can't ANY freedom can I?
Scarlet: Would you shut up and listen to me!?!?!? Alright, Yuffie, I've been
heard a rumor that Nabooru was planning a rebellion against me. Is this true?
Cait Sith: Yeah Materia b***h! Please do tell your whore leader here the truth!
Scarlet: Shut up you Shinra traitor!!!!!! At least I've HAD sex, unlike you!
Cait Sith: You never were much of a "pleasure machine" that Rufus said you were!
In fact, he said you once sprayed it all over his cat and it took a month to get
the stickiness out!
Yuffie: Eeeeewwwwww! GROSS-NESS!
Scarlet: How did you know about that, cat!?!?!?
Cait Sith: I already told you, Rufus told me. Plus, I AM a spy you know!
Scarlet: We should have never put you in charge of the spy department!
Cait Sith: Hey, s**t happens!
Scarlet: I shall terminate you cat!
Cait Sith: Oh s**t!!!
(Scarlet is about to strike Cait Sith when someone stops her)
Voice: Stop! What do you think your doing to my merchandise!?!?
Scarlet: YOUR merchandise!?!?!?
Yuffie: Wh...wh...who... are you!?!?
Captain Ginyu: (of the Ginyu Force, also from Dragon Ball Z) Allow me to
introduce myself. I am Captain Ginyu, of the famous squadron known as the
(Recoom and Chase, two other members of the Ginyu Force, appear behind Captain
Recoom, Captain Ginyu and Chase: THE GINYU FORCE! (they do their gay @$$ dance)
Scarlet: ... Where's Ganondorf!?!?
Captain Ginyu: Ganondorf had... other matters to attend to so he won't be
Yuffie: ... the magnet sticks to the grenade!
Chase: I am Chase! (does his gay @$$ dance)
Recoom: My name's Recoom! (does his stupid retarded dance)
Cait Sith: What s**tty dancing!
Chase: Hey! That toy cat can talk!
Cait Sith: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!!
Chase: Don't talk to me cat or you'll feel the wrong end of my secret weapon...
the dildo! (pulls out his giant dildo)
Cait Sith: Ah s**t! I'm blind again!
Recoom: (ignoring the B.S. going on behind him) I like soap operas!
Cait Sith: Men don't watch soap operas you faggit!
Recoom: Hey! That's not a nice thing to say! (starts charging at Cait Sith)
Cait Sith: Oh poopy...
Captain Ginyu: Hold it, Recoom! Your forgetting something...
Recoom: Uh what?
Captain Ginyu: That toy cat is part of the goods we're buying! Don't destroy it
no matter how much it pisses you off!
Recoom: Oh all right. But when we buy it, can I use it as my stuffed animal?
Captain Ginyu: Do what ever you want!
Recoom: Yeah! I've always wanted a stuffed animal to squeeze when I'm mad!
Cait Sith: Oh.........crud......
Chase: Whahahahahahahahahaha!! (smashes the table)
Captain Ginyu: Chase! Enough! We have technology to purchase!
Recoom: You can smash Goldo's Ricky Martin CDs when we get back to base!
Chase: Sweet! (swings his dildo around and smacks Cait Sith into a wall)
Cait Sith: Goddamn it!
Captain Ginyu: Chase! Watch where swing that! You could have damaged the cat!
Captain Ginyu: So, if we damage him they may charge extra!
Scarlet and Yuffie: Mmmmm...
Recoom: I like soap operas!
Captain Ginyu: Shut up! Anyway, so what do you have for us to purchase?
Scarlet: First off we have these brand new things that my fellow stealer,
Yuffie, stole from her friends! You put them over your ear and look...
Chase: Some new scouters! We need some!
Scarlet: Your familiar with such devices?
Recoom: I had a scouter and I broke it and I became a pouter!
Chase: Shut up, pee brain!
Cait Sith: This guy thinks he's a poet!
Captain Ginyu: What else do you have?
Scarlet: We have a spear, a vaccine for rabies, a silicon implant care kit, some
classic episodes of the Dukes of Hazards, a gold watch, a cassette tape on how
to talk like Mr. T., three dozen bottles of tequila, a year supply of hair care
products, the "Pleasure Machine 2000", a mastered Shiva materia, the cat, a
grenade, a magnet, and, of course, the seven dragon balls of Earth! Any
Recoom: Yeah, I have one.
Recoom: Do you like soap operas?
Scarlet: I don't watch that trash on TV!!!!!!! It totally sucks!
Recoom: I like soap operas!
Scarlet: Good for you!
Chase: Shut up, Recoom!
Captain Ginyu: ENOUGH!!!!!! Where are the dragon balls?
Scarlet: There in the water section of this castle.
Captain Ginyu: How much will this cost?
Scarlet: Well, considering if everything was okay I'd say about 500 Rupees.
Chase: 500!?!?!? You gotta be s**ting me!
Scarlet: But because you damaged the cat the price is now 1500 Rupees!
Captain Ginyu: That's a rip off! We won't pay 1 Rupee of it!
Yuffie: Not even for this magnet and grenade?
Chase: What do you think we are, stupid?
Cait Sith: Yeah...
Chase: Shut up, cat or you'll feel the wrath of my dildo!
Cait Sith: Yuck! It has Scarlet fluid on it!
Captain Ginyu: Quiet! All of you!
Recoom: Why? Is there a soap opera on?
Captain Ginyu: That's it! No TV for a week!
Recoom: Ah but, boss, that's not fair!
Chase: Being a Ginyu member isn't fair most of the time either but you don't
seem to complain about that!
Recoom: It's because I get free cable!
Cait Sith: You mean life as a jack@$$ isn't fair and you don't complain about
Captain Ginyu: That cat as a lot of nerve talking like that to us!!!
Scarlet: Just ignore him! He's always like this!
Chase: Let's kick his @$$ boss!
Recoom: Yeah! Let's make him watch soap operas for a year!
Captain Ginyu: Remind me to emit you at Rehab when this job is done, Recoom.
Recoom: Oh, okay!
Cait Sith: (thinking to himself) These guys are so stupid they even make Yuffie
Scarlet: Listen! When you purchase the cat you can beat the s**t out of him as
much as you want but not until then! I want 1500 Rupees for this stuff!
Captain Ginyu: 250 Rupees!
Scarlet: 250!?!?!? All of this stuff is worth at LEAST twice as much, if not,
more! 1400 Rupees!
Captain Ginyu: 400 Rupees!
Chase: Ah s**t, Recoom, did you fart!?!?
Recoom: I don't fart! I watch soap operas! Hahahahahahahahaha! (farts again)
Chase: Dammit Recoom!! You're not getting anymore chili either!
Recoom: That's my favorite food! (lets a loud, sloppy fart)
Chase: Ah! Christ!
Captain Ginyu: Both of you, shut up! Now go and get the dragon balls from the
water section of this castle!
Chase: Yes sir! (picks up his dildo)
Recoom: (picking his nose) Hold on a minute! I'm trying to pick a winner here!
Captain Ginyu: I said go get them, NOW!
Recoom: Uh... okay... but can I have my TV privileges back?
Captain Ginyu: UURRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
Recoom: I'll go now! (follows Chase down to the base of the tower)
(on the stairs)
Chase: Hurry up, slow poke! We don't have all day!
Recoom: I'm coming! I'm coming! Just hold on a... WAHHHHHH! (tumbles down the
Chase: Damn! This is the eighth time you've fallen down stairs this week!
Recoom: My feet are slick!
Chase: That's a piss poor excuse, bucko! (smacks Recoom over the head with his
Recoom: That hurt, Chase!
Chase: Too bad! Now you heard the boss. We need to get the dragon balls from
the water section so stop farting around and let's go!!!!!!
Recoom and Chase continue down the stairs...
At the base of the tower...
Vegeta: What crappy decorations! I bet a donkey's @$$ fairy boy's house has
better decorations in it then this!
Red XIII: It probably has no decorations!
Link: Stop making fun of me!
Vegeta: It's at least better than this s**t Canon Dork put in here!
Red XIII: You have a point there...
Cloud: It even smells bad!
Barret: It's comin' from da' foo' Cid!!!
Cid: Hey! I do not smell! (takes a cookie and eats it)
Dav: Where did you get those cookies!?!?
Cid: They were laying beside a dead b***h so I took them!
Dav: You moron! Look at the expiration date on the bottom of the package!
Cid: (looks on the bottom of the package) It says... eat before September 1967.
Ah crap! They're spoiled!
Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!
Goku: I thought you knew they were spoiled!
Cid: How would I know!?!?!?!?!? I don't look at the packages!
Link: Don't feel too bad. I don't either.
Cid: Go to hell, fairy boy!
Link: (goes down the stairs and lifts up the huge stone blocking the light
section entrance) Hey look guys! I can pick this up!
Tifa: (sarcastically) Yeah...
Vincent: Your special now...
Link: Yeah I know!
(in the tower)
Chase: Dammit, Recoom! Can't you go one flight of stairs without falling?
Recoom: No... (gets up but falls down the stairs again) WAHHHH!
Chase: (dodges Recoom by inches) Goddammit! You almost flattin' me!!!!
Recoom: Sorry... It hard for me...
Chase: Dude, shut up! I hear voices coming from outside of the tower!
Recoom: Look Chase! They're people outside of the tower!
Chase: What the hell is that one gay @$$ elf doing holding up that huge
Recoom: I don't like elves Chase! Every Christmas they kidnap you, take you up
on their airplane and put metal sticks up your butt!
Chase: Those are the visitors you retard, and they fly spaceships, not
Recoom: Oh, then what are elves?
Chase: Elves are those tiny little people with pointy ears that dance around and
spank their own @$$s!!!!!!
Recoom: Oh, I get the difference! I always get confused between those two!!!!
Chase: Remind me to send you to Rehab when this job's done!
Recoom: Uh, okay Chase, I will!
Chase: Shut up and let's listen to what these people have to say!
(back down at the base of the tower)
Zelda: Stop being a damn showoff you stupid d**k!
Link: I'm doing it for you, baby cakes!
Dav: Man!!! Link likes Zelda! Now I can't get a date with her!
Zelda: What did you say?
Dav: I said Link can go suck a cow's @$$!!!!!
Zelda: (in disappointment) Oh... well yes, he can.
Vegeta: You can drop it now! You've proven your invisible point!
Link: What's that mean?
Red XIII: It means you haven't proven your point.
Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!
Cid: I want some goddamn tea!!!! I want some goddamn hash!!!! I wanna watch
the goddamn Dukes!!!
Vincent: Mind if you keep your speech down?
Cid:Shut the hell up! Your tarts suck and so does your girlfriend!!!!
Vincent: Grrrrrrrrrrr... DON'T EVER INSULT MY TARTS AGAIN!!!!!!!!! (turns into
Cid: Oh s**t!!!!! (runs like hell)
Vincent: Whahahahahahahaha! I'll teach you to respect my tarts!
(back in the tower)
Recoom: I hate tarts! They taste like s**t!
Chase: Let's take this opportunity to attack while they're still arguing!
Recoom: I ate tarts once while I was watching soap operas! They tasted like cat
poop! I hate tarts! They suck!
Chase: OK!! You've made your point! Now shut up and let's get going! (jump out
of the window)
(at the base of the tower)
Vincent: Mwahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I shall chop of your wee wee!
Cid: Noooooo! Not my wee wee!!!!!!!!
Cloud: Knock it off you two! You guys are starting to piss me off!!!!
Vincent and Cid: ....Sorry....
Aeris: You better be!!!
Link: Hey guys, I can't hold this thing much longer! You think you could give
me a hand here?
Goku: You lifted it up, you put it down!
Link: But I'll drop it on myself!!!!
Barret: At least we'd get some peace an' quiet!!!!
(suddenly Chase comes down and chops the block to pieces with his super dildo)
Chase: Stop right there, imposters!!!!! I can't allow you to go any further!!
Dav: Who are you guys!?!?!?
Chase: My name is... CHASE!!! (does his gay dance)
Recoom: My name is Recoom, it rhymes with doom and you'll be hurting all too
soon! Surly, I am a man of many talents!!! (does his gay dance)
Chase: We are...
Chase and Recoom: THE GINYU FORCE!!!! (does another gay dance)
Link: What s**tty dancing!
Zelda: Yeah, Ganondorf could do his victory dance better than that!!!
Recoom: Hahahahahahaha!!! That little elf just said our dancing sucked!!!
Chase: We don't like people insulting our dancing!! Recoom, she may be a big
breasted hotty, but you know the rules... anyone who insults our
dancing...DIES!!! One more thing, if you don't finish her in five seconds, no
TV for another week!
Recoom: Oh okay! I like soap operas!!!
Cid: You faggit!!!!!
Recoom: Your next after the hotty!!!
Cid: (sarcastically) Whoa! I'm so scared that Smoking Joe Camel on my cigarette
carton is gonna run away!!!
Recoom: Shut up! (turns to Zelda) This outta be fun! Hahahahahaha!!! (charges
Link: ZELDA!!! (jumps in front of her)
Zelda: Link, NO!!!!!
Recoom: This is my Recoom boom! (rams Link right through the wall, sending him
flying out the castle)
Recoom: Now I call that... THE MISSING LINK!! Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!
Red XIII: That was pretty corny!! (starts licking himself)
Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!
Barret: Ya' disgusting crossbreed! Why da' ya' lick yourself!!
Red XIII: 'Cause I can!!!!!!
Dav: I can't believe it!!! The fairy boy had enough courage to risk himself for
Cid: Amazing!!! Now if you don't mind, I'm gonna go outside and have a smoke!
Recoom: Hahahahahahaha! Your not going anywhere!!! (charges at Cid)
Cid: Oh s**t!!!!
Zelda: Oh no you don't!! (counters Recoom's charge with a kick in the nuts)
Recoom: Ohhhh..... that.... hurt.....
Zelda: I'll make you pay for what you did to Link you
^$^%@@$$@#%^*&*(^)(^%I$#%@$#!$@#%%^#VCVC ^%^%^#$%$^^%^%%c c67CV$*$$^$$^*$^$^$^$^
%&$$$64646^&^$($^($^($^1!!!!!! (beats the living crap out of Recoom)
Tifa: Whoa! Zelda pulled another Cid!!!!
Zelda: (jumps up in the air) And now to finish you off! PRINCESS CANON FLARE!!!
Zelda fires her newly learned skill down at Recoom. The blast blows Recoom
right through the floor and through the rock the castle is standing on, plumming
him into the fiery pits below.
Recoom: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (dies)
Cid: Ah s**t! That was close! But at least Smokin' Joe is still here!!!
Smoking Joe Camel: That's what you think! I got so scared I peed my pants! I'm
outta here! (runs away)
Cid: Ah, fudge you, you stupid camel!! Run home to your mommy, you coward!!!!
(throws his cigarette carton on the ground and starts stomping it)
Smoking Joe Camel: I'm not gonna see my mommy! I'm going to Disneyworld!
Cid: You b*****d!!!
Vegeta: Who are you talking to!?!?
Cid: (sarcastically) I'm talking to my crotch! Hi Mr. Crotch! I see your not
doing very well today! Are you sick? Well, Uncle Cid will take care of you!!!
Vegeta: Why are you telling your crotch to run home and calling him a
Cid: I wasn't talking to my crotch you moron!
Vegeta: Shut up you retarded dips**t!!!
Cloud: Both of you shut up! We'll resolve this with a game of Goldeneye but
right now we have to kick this guy's sorry @$$!!!
Dav: Let's go!!!!
Barret: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaha! Da' foo' is scared stiff!
Goku: He's probably afraid Zelda will kick his butt like she did to Recoom!
Red XIII: Whatta chicken!
Chase: That's not it!!! I'm still amazed that this women defeated a person with
a power level over 5000 times of hers!!!!
Vincent: Amazing things happen... you can't explain it...
Everyone: SHUT UP, VINCENT!!!!
Chase: Well then, I see I have no choice but to kill this hot, sexy women and
rape her dead body with my dildo! UURRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! (charges at Zelda,
swinging his dildo around)
Zelda: Oh s**t, not again!!!
Chase: Prepare to feel the wrath... OF THE MIGHTY DILDO!!! Hahahaha!
Dav: Go smack your grandma you pervert! (blocks Chase and knocks him to the
Chase: Ah s**t! That actually hurt!
Dav: Is that all you got!?!?!?
Chase: I'm just warming up! (charges at Dav)
Aeris: Sorry bucko, but your dildo days are through! (grabs the dildo from Chase
and breaks it in half)
Chase: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! MY DILDO! MY DILDO! MY PRECUIOS DILDO!!
It's gone! It's gone! I can't believe it's gone! WAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
Tifa: Now women everywhere can rejoice! (does her chain of limit breaks on
Chase: I'll be back... and next time... WITH A MORE POWERFUL DILDO!! (dies)
Cid: That takes care of those @$$ monkeys!!!!
Goku: Not quite... there's still Captain Ginyu and two others!
Vegeta: The other two aren't here, Kakarotto! They're at the nieghborhood
K-Mart on the other side of town!!!!
Barret: Dis' town has da' K-Mart!?!?!?!?
Cid: ALL RIGHT!!! FREE PARKING!
Cloud: Calm down you horny brutes! We still have a mission to complete!!!
Red XIII: And how many times has that line been said through out this fic?
Cloud: I dunno, probably a billion or something!
Vincent: I suggets we split into two groups...
Zelda: Good idea! Goku, Dav, Cloud, Tifa, Vegeta and Aeris will go up the tower
while Red XIII, Vincent, Barret, Cid and I...
Link: (stumbles into the room) Wait...for...me... oh my....@$$...
Zelda: LINK! YOUR ALIVE!!!!
Link: That's right! I'm back and with a vengence!!
Zelda: Your my hero, Link!! I PROMISE you and I will make hot love tonight!!
Link: WHOO! HOOOO! YEAH BABY!!!
Dav: (all heartbroken) Oh poopy...
Zelda: Your coming with us to get the dragon balls from the water section of the
castle! Let's split up gang!
Freddy: (from Scooby Doo) Hey! That's my line! Let's split up gang!
Cloud: Why did the author have to put a s**tty character in this fic!?!?
AUTHOR'S NOTE: 'Cause I can! And besides, I like Scooby Doo but hate Freddy!
If you guys want, you can kill him! That's why I put him in the fic!
Cid: Ah cool!!!!
Red XIII: I'll vaporize him with my Ultra sonic vaporizing fart canon blast!!!
Barret: I'll blow da' damn foo's brains out!?!?!?
Freddy: Oh crap...
Dav: Ready Cloud?
Cloud: Yep, die fruitcake!!! (all of them gang up on Freddy and he dies)
Tifa: That was fun!! Thanks Dave! You've helped me let out a lot of stress!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: No problem! Back to the fic!!!
Zelda and her party head for the water section of the castle while Goku and his
party head for the tower to defeat Captain Ginyu, Scarlet and Yuffie. Meanwhile
in the water part of the castle...
Cid: Damn! It's freezing in here!
Red XIII: (sarcastically) Really? I thought it was 200 degrees in here!
Link: Well if you think that there's something wrong with your body
Red XIII: Shows how stupid you are, fairy boy!!!!!!!
Link: Hey! Shut the hell up!
Zelda: Watch your step!!! It's slippery!!!
Vincent: Thanks for the warning.... AHHHHHH! (slips and slams into a wall)
Barret: Hahahahahahahahahaha! Da' foo' slllliiiiipppppppeeeeedddd!! (slips and
slams into a wall)
Link: Whatta bunch of wienies... WAHHHHHH! (slips and slams into the ice cicle
covering the blue flame)
Red XIII: (sees falling icicles) INCOMING!!!!!!
Cid: Ah crap!
Barret: (icicle goes up his @$$) AHHHHHHH! Da' icicle went up ma' @$$!!!
Cid: Serves ya' right you goddamn monkey!!!!
Barret: Tea drinkin' faggit!!!!!!
Zelda: Enough! Both of you!
Barret: (getting up and holding his @$$) Hey look! It's a treasure chest!
Zelda: Don't open that chest!!!!
Barret: Why not? Is da' boogie man gonna jump out and attack me?
Zelda: NO BARRET!!!!
Cid: Just let'em! It's the only way he can learn!
Barret: Shuddap foo'! (opens the chest) AHHHHHH! (gets frozen)
Cid: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Now it's a monkey popsicle!!!
Zelda: I tried to worn him...
Link: Stuff happens!
Cid: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't you say "S**t happens!"
Link: S**t happens!
Cid: That's better!!!!!
Red XIII: It looks like he cussing you out, Cid.
Cid: Ah let'em! He ain't gonna do a thing about it!
Zelda: I'll thaw him!!!
Cid: Can't you wait another five hours or so!?!?!? I'm enjoying my time without
that f**kin' monkey cussing me out or taking the remote away from me when I
wanna watch the Dukes!!!
Zelda: I'm gonna thaw him out, so live with it!!!
Cid: Oh crap!
Zelda thaws Barret out of the ice...
Barret: Dat's better! Thanks, Zelda!
Zelda: Don't mention it!!!!
Link: What else could go wrong!?!?
Dark Link: (appears out of nowhere) Ah ha! You have returned for a re-match
against me! Mwahahahahahaha!!!
Link: Dark Link!?!?!?!?!?!?!? What the hell are you doing here!?!?!?
Dark Link: Isn't it obvious, Captain Obvious? I've been assigned to guard the
dragon balls for the hot sexy leader of the Gerudos, Scarlet!
Cid: Oh brother...
Link: Go back to the Water Temple where you belong!!!!
Dark Link: What if I don't want to? It'll be hard for you to defeat me because
I can mimic every move you do!!!!!
Link: Oh yeah? Can you mimic this?
Dark Link: What?
Link: (grabs Zelda and starts singing) Swing your partner 'round and 'round!
Pick her up and throw her down! (picks her up between the legs and throws her
Zelda: Oh Link!
Link: (grabs Zelda's arms and continues singing) Slap your knees! Slap your
thighs! Slap her @$$ then she'll slap mine! (songs done)
Zelda: (slaps Link's @$$)
Link: Spank it harder, baby!!!
Dark Link: Oh, okay, you found out I can't mimic you when you sing gay songs and
do gay dances!
Link: Then go the hell! (beats the living s**t out of Dark Link with the Megaton
Dark Link: Oh.... poopy.... (dies)
Red XIII: Now that that b.s. is over with, let's get the dragon balls!
Zelda's party heads into the next room. Meanwhile in the tower...
Captain Ginyu: Listen, you half cent whore! I'll only pay 400 Rupees and
Scarlet: Well, I want 100,000 Rupees and not one less!!!!
Captain Ginyu: Well go smack a dog!
Scarlet: Go smack a pecan tree!
Captain Ginyu: Go smack DiCrapio's mama!
Scarlet: Go smack Winslut's dad!
Cait Sith: (spits the grenade out) Why don't they just both shut the hell
Yuffie: Magnet stick on! Magnet stick off! Magnet stick on... (shoves the
grenade back in Cait's mouth)
Cait Sith: Mmmmmmm!!!!!
Yuffie: What? I can't hear you!?!?!?
Scarlet: Yuffie! Gimmie your weapon! I'm gonna teach this guy a lesson on what
happens when you mess with the Gerudos!!!!!
Yuffie: Oh okay! (hands Scarlet her bra)
Scarlet: Not your bra, you retard, your Conformer!!!
Yuffie: No way! It's MY Conformer!
Scarlet: Give it here now!!!
Yuffie: No way! I won't let you take it!
Scarlet: Hey Yuffie look! The Backstreet Boys are over there drooling over you!
Yuffie: WHERE!?!?!? WHERE!?!?!?
Scarlet: (grabs the Conformer) Stupid b***h! You'll fall for anything won't
Yuffie: I'm not a b***h!
Scarlet: Die Captain Poopoo! (swings the Conformer at Captain Ginyu)
Captain Ginyu: (breaks the Conformer into five pieces)
Yuffie: My Conformer! It's broken! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Dav: (gets up the stairs first) Take it like the b***h you are, Yuffie!
Captain Ginyu: Who are you!?!?!?
Scarlet: Wha...wha...what's going on here!?!?
Yuffie: YOU!?!?!?!? You call yourself a thief! I'm the best thief on this
Dav: First off, I'm a TREASURE hunter and second, a two-year old is better at
stealing then you'll ever be, materia b***h!
Cloud: That's telling her, Dav!!!
Yuffie: Why you little... I'll finish you off! ALL CREATION!!!!
Dav: (deflects it and it hits Scarlet in the pussy)
Scarlet: (makes a groaning noise then dies)
Yuffie; How did you deflect that!?!? That was my strongest move!!!
Dav: Weak moves for a weak b***h!! You would be stronger if you hadn't spent so
much time stealing materia!!!
Yuffie: You'll still fall at the hands of the mighty Yuffie!!
Dav: I don't think so, weak b***h! JUSTICE SLASH!!!!!
Yuffie: AHhHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (gets sliced up into 20 pieces and dies)
Cloud: Alright Dav!!!!
Cait Sith: That's the way to kick a materia whore's @$$!!!!
Vegeta: That was cool!!!
Captain Ginyu: Vegeta!?!?!?!?
Vegeta: Well, if it ain't Captain Ginyu of the GAYU FORCE!! Hahaahahaha!
Captain Ginyu: Frieza will be thrilled to see your ugly face alive again!!!
Vegeta: I see Freezer's become even more gay and stupid then before!!!!
Captain Ginyu: Your totally wrong...
Captain Ginyu: What's so funny!?!?
Vegeta: I see you peed your pants!!!
Captain Ginyu: Oh crap... I did!!!!
(everyone laughs at him)
Captain Ginyu: Stop laughing at me!!!
(everyone continues to laugh)
Captain Ginyu: That's it! I'm gonna get out of here but I'll return and get my
revenge on all of you!!!!
Goku: What a wuss!!!!
Tifa: (unties Cait) Hey Cait, why the hell are you eating a grenade?
Cait Sith: (takes the grenade out of his mouth and being sarcastic) Well since I
was starving to death, I said to myself "Cait, if you don't eat something, your
gonna die," so I found a grenade and I was trying to eat it!
Tifa: (shoves the grenade back into his mouth) That's nice! Now eat up!
Cait Sith: (takes it back out) Some people are just plain f**kin' stupid!!!
Vegeta: Let's go get my dragon balls back!!!
Captain Ginyu flies off but in mid-air, gets hit by an on-coming comet. The
comet smashes him through Zora's Domain and it collides, melting the ice
King Zora: It's about time this place melted!!!! Ruto, push your old man in the
Ruto: I don't know, dad. I kinda' liked it frozen. I mean it was so peaceful
King Zora: Dammit, Ruto! Just push me into the water and then go to your room!
No Discovery Channel for you tonight!!!
Ruto: Ah crap!! (pushes King Zora over the edge)
King Zora: (lands on an ice block) Ack! I'm getting too old for this!!
Back at the castle...
Zelda: We got the dragon balls back guys! Our mission is complete!
Cloud: Plus we got all of our other stuff back!!
Cait Sith: And I'm FINALLY free!!!!
Vegeta: As a reward for all of you helping me retrieve my dragon balls, I'll
allow for you to each get one wish!!
Goku: Sorry, Vegeta, but I have to get back to my wife and Gohan. (looks at
Vegeta's watch) Oh s**t! I'm 10 hours late for dinner! Well I'll see you all
around some time! Bye!
Zelda: Bye! Hey, Link, we should also be getting going!
Dav: Must you leave so early?
Zelda: I have a promise to fulfill! C'mon Link!!!!
Link: Yeah baby!!!!!!
Zelda: Bye!!!! (warps off to Link's house)
Vincent: I, too, must go.
Cid: Where are you going?
Vincent: I have.... an errand to run.... I should be back by tonight... (flies
Aeris: Where is going?
Cloud: He better not go to that old guy's tool shed again! Last time we got a
call a demon was in there doing the "whack a whack a ding dong" moaning out
Cait Sith: Well, I'm all for a caviar dinner so let's mosey.
Cid: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' it like a wimp! Can't you say...
Red XIII: We get the point already!!!
While AVALANCHE and Vegeta made their way to the nearest caviar resturant, an
alien ship was flying through the solar system...
Visitor 1: Prepare for anal incision!
Visitor 2: (opens up the butt crack) Eeeeewwwwwww!! It's infested!!!!
Joe: (looking at a Playboy) Sweeeeeeeet!!!!!
Visitor 2: God, if only I was a security guard for the Toys R Us back on our
homeworld, I wouldn't have to stare up alien butt cracks!
Joe: Sweeeeeeet!!! (flips the page and farts)
Visitor 1: Ah s**t!! I almost stabbed myself with the anal probe!!!!
Visitor 2: Just shut up and shove it up there!!!!
In the now peaceful kingdom of Hyrule...
Guy 1: Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! Oh we've been saved!
Guy 2: It's a miracle!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Vincent: (in Chaos form) Don't think your safe yet!! I am..... CHAOS!!!!
Guy 1: Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Oh no! Run before we die!! Hahahahaha!!!
Vincent: You shall not escape the wrath of.... CHAOS!!! Mwhahahahahahahaha!!!
Guy 2: Hahahahahahahaha!!! We're gonna die!!!
Guy 1: (gets his head ripped off by Chaos)
Guy 2: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Oh no my head's gonna get ripped off
Vincent: You shall be slaughtered along with many gay people in this crappy
kingdom of Hyrule!!!!
Back at Tifa's Seventh Heaven, Vegeta has summoned the dragon so everyone can
make their wish...
Dragon: I am the Eternal Dragon. You have summoned me, therefore, you get one
Vegeta: I wish for a better sex life with Aeris!!!
Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
Aeris: Yeah baby!!!!
Barret: I wish I could beat Cloud and Vegeta in Goldeneye!
Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
Cloud: I wish Barret would shut up, sit down and eat tacos!!!!
Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
Barret: (sitting down and starts eating tacos) You foo' Cloud!
Cait Sith: I wish for a lifetime supply of caviar!!!!
Dragon: Your wish has been granted. (dozens of huge barrels appear behind him)
Red XIII: I wish that everyone who calls me a crossbreed would get constipated
for a month!!!!
Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
Paperboy: Message for a "Mr. Crossbreed!"
Red XIII: Curses of steal! With a caviar meal! Give this worker of the nation!
A month of constipation!!!
Paperboy: What are you talking.... AHH!!! My stomach!!!! I need to poop!!!!!!
(runs to the bathroom)
Tifa: I wish that Cloud and I would have passionate love with me every night for
the rest of our lives!!!!
Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
Cloud: Yeah baby!!!!!!!!!
Dav: I wish that Yuffie will never be able to be wished back to this dimension
Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
Cid: I want chicken! I want liver! Meow mix! Meow mix! Please deliver!!
Dragon: Your wish has been granted. (hears a door bell)
Aeris: I'll get it!!! (opens the door)
Delivery Guy: Yeah, I'm hear to deliver some chicken, liver and two boxes of
Meow mix to a Mr. Highwind. That'll be 2000 gil!!!!
Aeris: Oh Cid!!!!!!!
Cid: Wait a second! That wasn't my wish! I wish for Kate Winslit to come
Dragon: You've already made a wish.
Cid: (flicks off the dragon)
Dragon: (blows fire at Cid and burns his @$$ up)
Cid: Owwwwwww!! M'kay?
Cloud: Here's your money and I'll take the stuff!!!
Delivery Guy: Thank you! (gets back in his crappy car)
Aeris: I wish that my upcoming birth will be completely successful!
Dragon: Your wish has been granted. Now I must depart. (the dragon disappears
and the dragon balls, once again, are separated to the four corners of the
Cloud: Your gonna have a baby!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Aeris: Yep! I'm hoping ot's a girl!
Cid: You better hope it doesn't have Fejita's brains OR looks!!!
Vegeta: You goddamn piece of f**kin' s**t!!! I'll fry you to pieces.... at
Goldeneye! C'mon Cloud!!!
Cid: C'mon Barret, let's kick these guy's sorry @$$s.... Barret?
Barret: Not now foo'! I'm still eatin' tacos!!!!
Continue on to AVALANCHE vs. Sailor Moon
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