FF7 in Hawaii
By Dyne

Costa Del Sol (Final Fantasy VII)

We find the members of AVALANCHE on a well deserved vacation in Hawaii (they got sick of Costa del Sol). Little did they know they'd run into an old friend and have the worst vacation ever.
Everyone but Red XIII and Vincent were located on Waikiki beach, Cloud and Cid had just come back from surfing and were now sitting on the beach with Barret.

Cloud: This is the life, eh Barret?
Barret (in Mr. T voice): Yeah, I pity da' foo who don't enjoy da Hawaiian beaches.
Cid: Hell yeah! But why'd ya hafta wear that gay @$$ sailor suit again?
Barret: Shaddup! I like it an'ifya hafta say sumthin', say it to ma' right arm!
Cid: Oh yeah?
Barret: Yeah!
Cid: Oh yeah?
Barret: Yeah!
Cid: Oh yeah?
Barret: Yeah!
Cloud: Shut up you two! And Barret take that damn suit off!
Barret: Who made you leader!

Barret, Cloud, and Cid start fighting. Meanwhile on the other side of the beach, Tifa and Aeris are sunbathing. (Author's note: I'll let you imagine what they're wearing.)

Tifa: Do you hear something?
Aeris: I think so, listen carefully.
The girls listen and hear a complete array of cursing from the dust cloud on the other side.
Aeris: Oh my, it seems that the boys are fighting again.
Tifa: What? They'd better not be hurting Cloud! We have a date tonight.
Aeris: What? He's mine!
Tifa: Oh yeah?
Aeris: Yeah!
Tifa: Oh yeah?
Aeris: Yeah!
Tifa: Oh yeah?
Aeris: Yeah!
Tifa: That's it!
Tifa and Aeris start fighting like Springer guests.

Meanwhile off of the beach Vincent is sleeping in a tree while Red XIII is sleeping under the tree, both are awakened by the two oncoming sounds.

Red: It appears our allies are fighting again, very immature.
Vincent: Seems so.
Red (sighing): I'll stop the girls, you stop the other fighters.
Vince: Agreed. (They separate)

The two stoic guys walk calmly over to their assigned dust clouds while Yuffie is watching Cait Sith and his moogle build and sand castle.

Yuffie (muttering): Hee hee hee. This is perfect, that cat is so stupid.
Yuffie carefully waits for a clear path, then she plows through the castle.
Cait Sith: Hey Yuffie! What're ya doing $^%*&?
Yuffie (snickering): Ruining your day, see ya.
Yuffie jumps through some palm trees leaving Cait Sith waving his fists.
Voice: Don't let her get to ya Cait.

Cait Sith turns around to see a young, brown-haired, grey-eyed man in his late teens.

Cait: Dav!
Dav Cole laughed.
Cait Sith: But I thought you weren't supposed to appear until Part two of my Big Break!
Dav: Well Dyne thought I could give you a hand here, I hate Yuffie also.
Cait Sith: What're you thinking?

Dav whispers into Cait Sith's ear and points. Dav, Cait Sith, and the moogle begin work on a new sand castle as Vincent reaches the Brawling Bad Boys (BBB).
Vincent: Hey!
Cloud, Cid, and Barret keep fighting.
Vincent (Fires gun and screaming is heard): Hey!
The BBB stop fighting.
Cid: Damn! Just when it was getting good!
Cloud: Whaddya want Vince?
Vincent: Obviously I have to baby-sit you idiots again.
Cid: $^#^ you! (Throws sand in Vincent's face)
Vincent (growling): Grrr... (Turns into chainsaw-wielding maniac)
Barret: Bettah run foo.
Cid: S**t, not again! (Runs like hell)
Vincent: (Laughs menahically and chases Cid)
Cid (begging): Look, I'm sorry I insulted your tarts, I'm sorry I threw sand in your ugly face, just please don't kill me! Ahhh!!! (Keeps running)

During this fiasco, Red XIII arrives where the two girls are fighting.
Red XIII: Excuse me girls. (They don't hear him)
Red XIII (Again): Excuse me girls! (Howls and they stop fighting)
Aeris: Red! Why now?
Red: I'm afraid you'll have to explain why you're acting like this, we're on vacation.
Tifa: She started it!
Aeris: Riiiight.
Tifa: HO!!! (Bitch slaps Aeris and they start again dragging Red XIII into the fight.)

Meanwhile Cait Sith and Dav have finished their new castle.
Yuffie: Banzai!!!
Cait: Damn, here she comes.

Dav and Cait grin as Yuffie abrupltly stops when she hits the boulder that the castle was built to cover.
Yuffie (moaning): Oooh, I need my 'restore' materia. (Notices the other thief) Hey! You again!
Dav (tossing Yuffie's 'restore' materia): Oh, I'm sorry. Were you looking for this? Ta' (runs).
Yuffie: That's it! (Chases after Dav)
Cait: Hey! (Hops after 'em)
Dav: I wouldn't worry your sorry @$$ about the materia Yuffie, I did steal it fair an' square! (laughs)

The three parties are all either fighting or fleeing while Cloud and Barret watch and snack on popcorn.
Cloud: Sweet!
Barret: Come on foos! Do sumthin'!

Barret's wish comes true as all three fighting parties collide.
Tifa: Ow!
Aeris: Ouch!
Red XIII: (moaning in pain)
Cid: %*&%!!!
Vincent (back to normal): Ack!
Yuffie: This is all your fault! (Points at Cait + Dav)
Cait Sith: Shut up!
Dav: All right, let's settle this here and now Yuf!
Yuffie: Okay! I always was a better thief than you.
Dav: That's "treasure hunter" you bloody whore!
(Author's note: Eat this H.C.!)
Tifa: He takes after his great-grandfather too much.
Yuffie: Oh yeah!
Dav: Yeah!
Yuffie: Oh yeah!
Dav: Yeah!
Yuffie: Oh yeah!
Dav: Yeah!

Before Dav and Yuffie can kill each other a police car drives up and an officer steps out.
Officer: I'm looking for the AVALANCHE members.
All: Here!
Barret: Hey Dav, you ain't in AVALANCHE!
Dav: Talk to Dyne, he enlisted me. Officer: Okay, down to business, I'm afraid you're all under arrest.
All: What the hell!
Officer: Mr Strife, you are charged with assault and battery. Mr. Wallace, same thing plus violating the beach dress code.
Barret (thinking): Damn, now I can't wear my sailor suit no more.
Officer (continuing): Mr. Highwind, same as Strife and Wallace plus violatine beach rule no. 32, throwing sand. Ms. Lockheart, same as Strife, you too Gainsborough.
Aeris (thinking): Wow the same charges as Cloud, I feel special.
Officer: Mr. uh... XIII is charged with exual harassment. Mr. Valentine, attempted murder, Mr. Cole, petty thievery. Mr Sith, disturbing the peace, and Ms. Kisarigi; grand theft, grand theft auto, two counts of destruction of private property, animal abuse, conmanship, and not obeying your mother.
Yuffie: Damn you Dad!
Officer: Come with me. (Everyone follows)

At the Court.
Bailif: We now bring forth the defendants, the members of AVALANCHE, each member is charged with (reads the list). Now please rise for the honorable judge Sephiroth.
All: Sephiroth!!!!!!!!!
Cid+ Barret: What the @#$^@$^&$^*@$^*@#%&$^@&$^*%$*@$^*%^*%&^*@$%*@$^(%(^&!$^*(%@^(%@&%*$^(&@$^(@^(%&(^*^(%&(#^)%&^*#$&(#^*#%&(#%^&(#%!!!!!!!!!!!

Sephiroth enters.
Sephiroth: Order in the court.
Cid: Order! I'll order you $^@#&^ @$$ to the other side of the damn planet!
Prosecutor: First witness please
Cid takes the stand.
Prosecutor: Do you swear? Cid: Yeah, all the time. All: (Slap foreheads)
Sephiroth: I've heard enough. I find the defendants guilty on all charges. If you weren't guilty, you wouldn't be here, now would you?
Tifa: What? Nobody else got to testify!
Dav: Okay, I've had it! Get 'em Cloud!
Cloud: OMNI-SLASH!!! (Whips Sepiroth's @$$ in five secs)
Sephiroth: Oh S**t! (Croaks)
Barret: Hell yeah!
Bailif: Strife now has an additional charge of 1st-degree murder.
Vincent: Shut up! (Shoots him with Death Penalty)
Vincent: What the hell? My first gun did more damage! Oh well. (Turns into Hellsmasker and kills the bailif)
Aeris: Cloud, you were wonderful.
Tifa: Hey! I was gonna say that, wench!
Aeris: HO!!! (Bitch slaps Tifa)
Tifa: HO!!! (Tries to slap Aeris but hits Yuffie) Oops.
Yuffie: Hey! What're you doing?
Tifa: Sorry.
Dav: Take it like the $#&%^ you are Yuffie.
Yuffie: HO!!! (Tries to slap Dav but he grabs her wrist and throws her out the window).
Barret: Hell yeah!
Cid (waving Confederate flag): As good as the Dukes. (Opens can of hash)
Cait Sith: Yea, you should finish her with CREAMED-CORN WRESTLING!
Red XIII: It's been done. (Read Shinra's Revenge? for C-C Wrestling)
Cait Sith: Oh...

Suddenly an alarm sounds.
Cloud: What the...
Barret: hell?
Dav: I think it's a tidal wave... oh $%! A tidal wave!
All: S**t!

Cid summons the Highwind and saves everyone, including Yuffie, and moves like hell.
Dav: Damn!
Highwind: (Misses tsunami by inches)
Cid: Damn man, that was close.
Cloud: It could've been worse.
Tifa: You know, I miss Costa Del Sol.
Aeris: Yea, you wouldn't get arrested for stupid for stupids reasons and the sodas are only 100 gil apiece.
Cait Sith: What're we waiting for?

Cid changes course to Costa Del Sol while Hawaii is devastated.
Yuffie: Slow down, I don't feel... urk! (Pukes all over Red XIII).
Red XIII: HO!!! (Bitch slaps Yuffie off of the deck)
Barret: Hell yeah!
Yuffie: (Hangs from rope below the Highwind)
Dav: Yea! Thanks Red.

Highwind lands at Costa Del Sol. In villa Cloud.
Cloud: Nice to be home.
Tifa: Yea. (Cuddles Cloud)
Aeris: Grrr...
Vincent: But where's Yuffie?
Dav: Oh my god! Vincent likes Yuffie?
Vincent: NO!!!
Yuffie: Cid you $&$%^! You nearly crushed me?
Cid: So sue me. (Turns on the Dukes of Hazard) Yea!
All: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The End...

Cait Sith: Wait! How 'bout this? Cid and Dav vs. Yuffie and Vincent in MASHED-POTATO WRESTILING!!!
Cloud: Sounds good.
Barret: Hell yeah!
Dav: We get no say in this?
Cloud+Barret: No.
(The match ends in five secs when Vincent turns into Chaos and accidentally kills Yuffie. Cid and Dav win by disqualification)

The Real End

Dyne: Ok so it was pretty wierd, but you have to admit, Hawaii is a lot worse than it sounds. I know, I go there 2-4 times a year.

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