FF7 on Jeopardy
Johnny: This... Is... Jeopardy!
Johnny: Today's first contestant, a former member of SOLDIER, Cloud Strife.
Cloud: (Walks out)
Johnny: Our second contestant, a robot cat who left Shinra to join AVALANCHE, Cait Sith.
Cait Sith: (Walks out without his moogle and is hidden behind his podium)
Johnny: And our returning champion, having won a total of 50002 gil. Everyone's favorite pilot, Cid Highwind.
Cid: (Walks out with a huge cigar in his mouth and wearing the Confederate uniform)
Johnny: And now the host of Jeopardy... Alex Trebec!
Alex: (Walks out) All right. Let's get started since this is going to be a long fanfic.
Dyne: You said it brother.
Alex: For round one the categories are: Characters... Materia... Weapons... Shinra... Limit Breaks... and Towns.
Cloud: Question Alex. Why are the categories from our game?
Alex: Since Dyne's too lazy to come up with his own categories.
Dyne: Hey I don't have to put up with this crap! (Runs out and boots Alex outta the fic)
Dave (Me): I'm taking over this episode! (Laughs maniacally) Cid start us off.
Cid: Hell yeah! I'll take Characters for 100.
Dave: This materia thieving whore is almost everyone's least favorite character.
Cait: (Can't reach his buzzer)
Cloud: Who is Yuffie?
Dave: Correct. Next question Cloud.
Cloud: Okay... Characters for 200.
Dave: This guy is commonly known as the biggest @$$hole in the world.
Cloud: Who is Barret? (Buzz)
Dave: Wrong! That puts you at -100.
Cid: Who is Sephiroth?
Dave: That's right. Cid choose again.
Cait Sith: This isn't fair! I can't reach my buzzer!
Cid: (Yanks Cait onto the podium by his neck.) That better?
Cait: (Rubbing his neck) Yeah...
Dave: Cid are you going to choose or do I have time to run down to the cleaners?
Cid: Shut the f**k up! I'll take Shinra for 100.
Dave: This fat-@$$ed moron likes tea almost as much as Cid.
Cait Sith: Who is Palmer?
Dave: That's correct.
Cid: Damn right!
Dave: Your turn Cait.
Cait Sith: Cool. Gimme Towns for 3.
Dave: This town accidentally supported the superstition that bad luck happens in threes.
Cloud: What is Midgar? (Buzz)
Cait Sith: What is Mideel?
Dave: Correct. They had an earthquake, a WEAPON attack, and another earthquake that destroyed the whole city. The current scores are...
Dave: Choose again Cait.
Cait Sith: Towns for 500. (Daily Double sounds)
Dave: And there's the Daily Double!
Cait Sith: Sweet! I'll wager 300.
Dave: This is a sound clip Double.
Aeris' voice: Ohhhh Cloud.... ooooohhhhhhhh... (Continues making pleasurable noises)
Cloud: What the HELL was that?!
Dave: Sorry wrong tape. That's from an older fic that I trashed when Dav put a tape recorder in Cloud's room.
(The right clip plays)
Barret's Voice: We'll meet up here later.
Cait Sith: What is Kalm?
Audience: (Cheers like they always do when someone answers correctly)
Cait Sith: Let's go for characters for 300 Dave.
Dave: Apparently this guy has to much testosterone.
Cait Sith: Who is Cloud?
Dave: That's absolutely WRONG!
Cid: Who is Don Corneo?
Dave: Yep. Go ahead Cid.
Cid: Towns for 100.
Dave: This town was destroyed by a reactor explosion.
Cloud: What is Gongaga?
Dave: Oh my god! Cloud actually got one right!
Cloud: Thanks a lot... and I want that tape! Give me characters for 4.
Dave: This guy thinks the world will end when the Dukes of Hazard is cancelled.
Cid: Who is me?
Dave: You're Cid Highwind but I'll accept it.
Cid: F**k that! Characters for 500! (Opens a can of hash)
Dave: This girl deservedly won the "Hottest Game Babe" award for 1998.
Cloud: Who is Tifa?
Dave: Right. But it's a good thing she's such a good martial artist or some sicko would've raped her by now.
Steve: Too late!
Cloud: Who the hell are you?!
Steve: The first person to successfully rape Tifa. You've also seen me in a couple of other fics.
Cloud: YOU #$&^!#%&!#$&^!#%$^$%&@$#^$%&*$%&$*$(^&^*@$%^*#%T$^$!$^&@$%!!!!!!!!! It was her turn to sleep with me tonight! OMNI-SLASH!!!
Steve: Crap! No more babes!!! (Dies)
Dave: Very nice, Cloud you're up.
Cloud: Shinra for 200.
Dave: This bastard is known for his trademark horse laugh.
Cid: Who is Heidegger?
Dave: Sorry we're looking for more than that.
(Time runs out)
Dave: It'd be "Who is Colonel Heidegger?"
Cloud/Cait/Cid: Ah s**t!
Dave: Let's look at the current scores.
Dave: Cloud is up again.
Cloud: Give me materia for 100.
Dave: Cait Sith begins with this materia.
Cait Sith: What is Manipulate?
Dave: Duuhhhhhh!! Cait go ahead.
Cait: Towns for 200.
Dave: This town was responsible for Sephiroth's going insane.
Cloud: What is Nibelheim?
Dave: Right. Cloud you're up.
Cloud: Let's do towns for 400.
Dave: If youíre a pervert like Don Corneo and Steve then this town is for you.
Cid: What is Costa Del Sol?
Dave: Correct. Cid go ahead.
Cid: Shinra for 300.
Dave: These guys used to be with Shinra before joining AVALANCHE. Name three.
Cid: Who are Cait Sith, Vincent, and Cloud?
Dave: You're right and on a roll. Go again Cid.
Cid: Shinra for 400.
Dave: This guy is the least known member of the whole damn corporation.
(Time runs out)
Dave: That'd be "Who is Mayor Domino?"
Cait Sith: Yeah who is he?
Cloud: I think I've met him but I don't remember.
Dave: Well before we move on we'll speak with our contestants (as always). In the lead is Cid with 1400 gil. Cid what're you going to do with all of this money youíve won in the past week?
Cid: (Takes a drag) Well I'm going to build a new airship and start my "Return the Dukes of Hazard" campaign.
Dave: In second place is Cait Sith with 500.
Cait Sith: After this is over I'm going to use the money to advertise for my latest product.
Dave: Which is...?
Cait Sith: A Do-It-Yourself Cait Sith Robot Kit.
Dave: Uh... yeah. And our third contestant with 400 gil, Cloud.
Cloud: When we're done here I'm going to refurnish my villa and move in with Aeris.
Dave: What about Tifa?
Cloud: What about her?
Dave: I thought you loved her too.
Cloud: Who said I loved her?! I just want to sleep with her!
Dave: O...kay. We'll move on after a commercial.
Announcer: Are you tired, run down, listless?
Some guy named Harry: Yeah.
Announcer: Well that's going all down the drain with the new product we have in store for you.
Harry: All right!
Announcer: This miracle drink will get you so hyped you won't have to sleep for a week!
Harry: What the hell is it already!?
Announcer: It's the new type of "Hyper" from FF7.
Harry: What?! All that just for a measly hyper that costs almost nothing?!
Announcer: No Harry. This is a new formula, try it.
Harry: (Drinks the Hyper) Whhooooooooaaaahhhhh!!! (Bounces around the room and breaks through the wall)
Announcer: Like I said, you're hyper for a week! (VERY loud crash is heard.)
Announcer: (Looks through binoculars) Of course we get more craters on the moon that way.
Dave: And we're back! Cid's up again.
Cid: Let's finish with those Shinra bastards.
Dave: No one knows which of these two morons is more insane.
Cait Sith: Who are Scarlet and Hojo?
Cait: YES! (Starts dancing)
Dave: Talk about your mood swings. CAIT!
Cait Sith: (Stops) Oh... sorry. Give me materia for 200.
Dave: This materia is very unrealistic since it would leave terrible scars on the Planet.
Cloud: What is Bahamut ZERO?
Dave: Youíre right and up.
Cloud: I want weapons for 100.
Dave: This sword may be free... but it sucks!
Cloud: What is the Yoshiyuki?
Dave: Yeah, that old guy must be senile. Cloud go again.
Cloud: Weapons for 200.
Dave: If you don't like Barret, you'll usually miss this weapon.
Cid: What is the Missing Score?
Dave: You're correct and you now have a total of 1600. Go ahead Cid.
Cid: Limits for 100 Dave.
Dave: This Limit Break is considered by some to be the most useless.
Cloud: What is Dragon? (Buzz)
Cait Sith: What is Hammer Blow? (Buzz)
Cid: What is Slots?
Dave: Cid's right. Sorry guys.
Cid: Sweet damn! Limits for 200.
Dave: The user of this Limit proves he has friends in high places.
Cait Sith: What is Satellite Beam?
Dave: You're correct.
Cait Sith: HA! (Starts dancing again)
Dave: Give him a tranquilizer Cloud.
Cloud: (Gives Cait a tranquilizer)
Cait Sith: Hey! That's pretty good! (Grabs a bunch more tranqs and takes 'em all.)
Dave: Must be another new formula. The scores are...
Dave: Go ahead Cait.
Cait Sith (Drunk off his @$$): Happy happy joy joy! Happy happy joy joy!
Dave: Who said this type of thing couldn't happen? Security!
Security: (Drags Cait off stage)
Cloud: Who's going to take his place?
Dave: We'll see. (Pulls a name out of his hat) Sephiroth.
Sephiroth: (Walks out) Hi.
Cid: Get the hell outta here dips**t!!!!!!!!
Dave: Shaddup Cid! Seph starts with a score of 0 and it's his turn.
Sephiroth: I'll take weapons for 300.
Dave: This blade is a holy sword. But no one knows why the evil @$$hole has it.
Cloud: What is the Masamune?
Dave: Youíre correct and I'm running out of these lines. (Thinks) I wonder how Alex handles it.
Cloud: Weapons for 400.
Dave: This may be known as one of the Ultimate Weapons, but its attack power sucks!
Cid: What is the Death Penalty?
Dave: Right, Cid choose one.
Cid: Weapons for 500.
Dave: Cid and Aeris may have Ultimate Weapons, but there are ones that are more powerful.
Sephiroth: The Umbrella and Flayer! (Buzz)
Dave: Sorry Seph. You've got to answer in the form of a question.
Cloud/Cid: What are the Umbrella and Flayer?!
Cloud: Hey! I said it first!
Cid: F**k off!
Dave: Sorry Cloud but Cid hit his buzzer.
Cloud: That's it! I'm outta here! (Storms off stage)
Dave: Let's check the scores before the next replacement comes.
Cloud- Sore Loser
Dave: Let's see who's next... (Draws a name) Aeris!
Aeris: (Stops macking with Cloud) Be right back honey. (Walks out)
Dave: Another person with 0. Go ahead Highwind.
Cid: It's in the bag. Materia for 300.
Dave: This was considered "useless" and its name wasn't revealed until disc two.
Aeris: What is the White Materia?
Dave: Aeris is right, go ahead.
Aeris: Materia for 400 please.
Dave: This is a two-parter. If you master this materia 16 times you will find this legendary hero where you found the materia.
Cid: What is Knight-of-the-Round and who was King Arthur?
Dave: Yep! That's one of those cheap @$$ rumors some lamebrain invented. Cid go ahead.
Sephiroth: That's not fair! The only materia I know of is the Black Materia!
Cid/Cloud/Dave: Shaddup @$$hole!
Cid: Materia for 500.
Dave: Cait Sith fooled everyone in a fanfic by the Captain by saying this materia existed.
Sephiroth: What is the Grey Materia?
Dave: You're right and finally out of the negatives. Go ahead.
Sephiroth: Limits for 300.
Dave: Every time Cloud whips Seph's @$$ in five secs he uses this Limit.
Sephiroth: What is Omni-Slash?
Dave: You oughtta know since he only uses it on you.
Sephiroth: Limits for 400.
Dave: If you use Gameshark you'll notice that Sephiroth has the same limits as this character.
Aeris: Who is Vincent?
Dave: You are right, go ahead.
Aeris: Since Limits for 500 is left I'll take that.
Dave: This Limit's name is also found in Wild ARMs.
Cid: What is Meteor Dive?
Dave: Correct! But how did you know the answer so easily?
Cid: Considering I was the real one to invent the Gull Wing instead of that b***h Emma!
Dave: Well Round One is over, let's check the scores.
Dave: We'll go to Double Jeopardy right after this. I'm having too much fun here! I'm beginning to sound like Alex.
Some guy: Hi! Honest Stan here to show you how to easily buy the greatest car of the day! It only costs 10000 gil and runs on water! Also I'm going to tell you how to make 1000000000 without thinking, here's how... (Screen goes out)
Announcer: We are experiencing technical difficulties, please stand by...
(Two minutes later)
Stan: And that's how you can become even richer than Cloud and Cait!
Cloud: Hey! We're the richest people on the Planet and no one's gonna beat us!
Cait: So ^%#$^@$&^!#&@%$@%& off! (Puts a bomb at Stan's feet)
Stan: (Gets blown away)
Announcer: This product was not even mentioned so I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about right now.
Dave: We're back and- (a loud noise drowns him out) Cid wake up!
Cid: (Wakes up startled) S**t!
Dave: Anyway we're in Double Jeopardy and the categories are: WEAPON... The Ancients... The Planet... Chocobos... Mini-games... and Love.
Dave: Yeah the many people who like each other throughout the game. Cid start us off!
Cid: Hell yeah again! Chocobos for 200.
Dave: This guy knows all about chocobos but his memory is a little off.
Aeris: Who is the Chocobo Sage?
Dave: Amazing considering Aeris dies before one meets the sage. Go ahead Aeris.
Aeris: Ancients for 200 please.
Dave: The last Ancient.
Aeris: Who is Aeris.
Dave: Correct, and that's better than when Cid answered his name.
Aeris: Ancients for 400 please.
Dave: This moron claims to be an ancient.
Cid: Who is Sephiroth?
Sephiroth: Hey! That's an insult! I'll sue!
Dave: Shut up! (Snaps and a hammer hits Sephiroth) I love being in my own fics. Go ahead Cid.
Cid: WEAPON for 200.
Dave: Cloud's best weapon comes from this loser.
Sephiroth: What is the Ultimate WEAPON?
Dave: You're right, go ahead.
Sephiroth: Chocobos for 400. (Daily Double sounds)
Dave: Another Daily Double!
Sephiroth: I'll wager it all!
Dave: All 500 gil? Scary... This chocobo is necessary to get Knights-of-the-Round.
Sephiroth: Uh... what is the white chocobo? (Buzz)
Dave: (Dripping with sarcasm) Ohhh I'm so sorry! That puts you back down to 0.
Sephiroth: WHO NEEDS THIS?!?!?!?!? (Looks at Aeris) Seeing as how I've got to kill you later I might as well rape you now. (Grabs her and starts to run out)
Cloud: You f**king fungus!!!!!!! OMNI-SLASH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sephiroth: S**t not again! (Dies)
Aeris: Thanks Cloud. (Kisses him)
Dave: Bad tempers like that will get you. Let's check the scores.
Sephiroth- Can kiss Scarlet's @$$
Dave: And to replace Sephiroth... (Draws another name) Barret!
Barret: (Walks out) I pity da' foo who don't play Jeopardy!
Dave: Since it was Seph's turn when he died Barret'll take it.
Barret: I want the Planet for 200 foo'!
Dave: This is what's sucking away the Planet's energy.
Barret: What is a reactor? (Buzz) What the hell?!
Dave: Be more specific.
Aeris: What is a mako reactor?
Dave: I may have to reduce scores for cussing. Aeris you're up.
Aeris: The Ancients for 600.
Dave: Barret refers to this name for the Ancients as "Some kinda disease."
Barret: What is Cetra?
Dave: A little more grammatically correct but I'll accept it.
Barret: SWEET! WEAPON for 400.
Dave: This WEAPON has a million HP and is near impossible.
Cid: What is the Ruby WEAPON?
Dave: You're right, go Cid.
Cid: WEAPON for 600.
Dave: In the Japanese FF7 this WEAPON is replaced by a dragon.
Cid: What is the Diamond WEAPON? (Buzz) S**t! S**t! S**T!!!
Aeris: What is the Emerald WEAPON?
Dave: Correct. Aeris?
Aeris: Uh... Love for 200 Dave.
Barret: Who are Tifa and Aeris?
Dave: You're right and Cloud still hasn't fully decided.
Tifa: (Runs out) Damn right!
Aeris: Shut up Double D! I'll pray for your death! (Starts praying)
Tifa: Oh no you don't! (Bashes Aeris' head in)
Aeris: (Happens to wearing a Final-Attack Revive combination) Ha! Cloud gave these to me as a gift.
Tifa: That's it! (Grabs Aeris by the hair and drags her into the nearest alley outside the studio.)
Cait Sith (Still drunks off of tranquilizers) Let's settle it with Tequila wrestling!
Cait's friend: Tequila man!
Author's note: Since I'm letting Dave(Cloud) use Dav in his fics he's letting me use Cait's friend.
Dave: Uh... yeah. Let's look at the scores!
Aeris- Getting the s**t beaten outta her.
Cid - 3200
Dave: To replace Aeris... (Draws yet another name) aw crud! Yuffie...
Yuffie: (Walks out) With my brains I'm sure to win.
Some guy in audience: Kill her!
Audience: (Rushes in and kills Yuffie)
Yuffie: Aw Gawd!!! (Dies)
Dave: Hey, blame yourself or Fate.
Delita: That's my line!
Dave: Shut the f**k up! (Punches Delita)
Delita (Nose bleeding): OW! (Runs away)
Dave: Come on! I didn't even hit him hard!
Ramza: Delita you coward! Come back here... (Suddenly gets cut in two)
Dav (Holding the Atma Weapon): I'm never going to let him say that line again! (Laughs maniacally)
Dave: We all know he was going to be put somewhere in the fic so don't complain! Anyway let's draw someone else. (Draws) Vincent!
Vincent: (Flies in) I am here.
Dave: Good thing, were this only a regular episode we'd be outta time by now. Now who's turn was it?
Dave: Just a minute. (Looks at the script) It's Barret.
Barret: Sweet damn! WEAPON for 800. (Daily Double sounds)
Dave: There's the other DD! How much Barret?
Barret: All of it foo'!
Dave: This WEAPON's name isn't given in the game but was responsible for saving Tifa's life.
Barret: What is the Sapphire WEAPON?
Dave: You are 100% right!
Barret: Hell yeah! (Does his victory dance)
Dave: Don't forget what happened to Cait.
Cait/Cait's friend: (Drinking tequila) Tequila man!
Dave: Barret go ahead.
Barret: WEAPON for 1000.
Dave: Supposedly this secret WEAPON is accessible with a secret chocobo.
Vincent: What is the Onyx WEAPON.
Dave: Vincent's right, that's yet another really dumb rumor that most people've already seen. And in most fics they always reuse the same ones, I introduce two new ones in "If Wishes Were to Be...". Go ahead Vince.
Vincent: Chocobos for 600.
Dave: This chocobo's color is what the cult in Earthbound chants.
Barret: What kinda f***in' clue is that? (Buzz) S**t! That wasn't my response!!!
Cid: What is the blue chocobo?
Dave: You're right, go ahead.
Cid: Chocobos for 8.
Dave: This chocobo is also found in Final Fantasy IV.
Vincent: What is the black chocobo?
Dave: Yep, Vince you're up.
Vincent: The Planet for 400.
Dave: This rebel underground calls itself the "Saviors of the Planet".
Barret: What is AVALANCHE?
Dave: If Barret didn't know that who would? The scores are...
Dave: Go ahead foo'!
Barret: I pity da foo' who calls Barret Wallace a f***in' foo'!!!!
All: Shut up and go!!!
Barret: Sh't! Chocobos for 1000.
Dave: Another bad rumor claims that this chocobo can be bred.
Cid: What is the white chocobo?
Dave: Yeah. I remember the time while playing I accidentally scratched the dumb one in Mideel in the wrong (And I mean WRONG) place. Go ahead Cid.
Cid: Love for 400.
Dave: Oops! I forgot to mention this is the only category from things other than FF7.
Dave: In his cartoon series this lamebrain shouted at the top of his lungs... "Zelda loves me! Zelda loves me!"
Vincent: Who is Link?
Dave: Yeah but I'm surprised he even wanted Zelda to love him. Even though I loved that cartoon series.
Vincent: Love for 600.
Dave: Princess Toadstool.
Barret: Who are Mario and Luigi? (Buzz) #$%^!#$^#$%&*!%%^$%&%#$%*$%&%*^(&@%*!!!!
Cid: Who are Mario, Luigi, and Bowser?
Dave: Cid's right. If Bowser ever has a kid with the princess they'd have a really weird kid. (See Mario Party)
Dave: That's it!!! (Pushes a button on his podium and a trap-door opens under Barret)
Barret: Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!!! (Falls out)
Dave: He's one of the few people who cusses more than people at my school. (Pulls a name out) Red XIII's up.
Red XIII: (Walks out)
Dave: Go Cid, you may actually have competition now.
Cid: Mini-games for 200.
Dave: The name of this game has nothing to do with the game itself.
Vincent: What is Super-Dunk?
Dave: Yes! Since when do you actually dunk the ball on that?! Go Vince.
Vincent: The Ancients for 800.
Dave: This guy is Aeris' father.
Red XIII: Who was Professor Gast?
Ghost of Gast: (Materializes and speaks like Darth Vader) Aeris! I am your father!
Ghost of Aeris: (Materializes) That's nice but I'm going out with someone whose voice is a lot better than that.
Ghost of Vader: (Materializes) I show no mercy to insolent posers like you!!!! (Uses the Dark Side to destroy Gast's spirit) Shall we go?
Ghost of Aeris: All right! (Dematerializes with Vader)
Cloud: S**t! S**t! S**T!!!! (Does the Cloud Strife Freakout)
Dave: Now that that's over, go Red.
Red XIII: I'll still never understand human behavior. The Ancients for 1000.
Dave: Also known as the "Crisis from the Sky".
Red XIII: Who is Jenova?
Dave: I also would've taken "what". The current standings...
Red XIII- 1800
Dave: Red you're up.
Red XIII: The Planet for 600.
Dave: This bad imitation of Santa Claus knows many facts about the Planet.
Red XIII: Who is Bugenhagen?
Dave: Too easy for Red, go on.
Red XIII: The Planet for 800.
Dave: The Planet has been trying to repair this scar for decades.
Vincent: What is the North Crater?
Dave: The person who helped me write theses answers is running out of ideas.
Cloud (In Audience): Didn't you write 'em all?
Dave: Uh... no, I did all of the jokes but not all of the answers. Meet the assistant writer of this fic.
Spanky (This guy is BIG): (Walks out) Hey Dave!!! (Slaps Dave on the back)
Dave: Ah!!! (Falls over and gets up) This guy came up with the categories and most of the answers.
Spanky: Yeah!!!! But now I have some replacements.
Dave: (Dripping with sarcasm) Oh goody.
Spanky: See ya! (Walks back into the audience)
Dave: Vincent is up.
Vincent: The Planet for 1000.
Dave: Uh okay, theses are strange. This person from FF6 is the only one able to hear the screams of the planet on that game.
Cid: Who is Terra?
Dave: Weird, but easy. Cid you're on!
Cid: Mini-games for 400.
Dave: If you look ahead on this one when playing it at the Gold Saucer you'll notice that no one is driving the truck.
Red XIII: What is the Motorcycle chase?
Dave: I'll accept that. Anyway we only have five questions left so the scores are...
Red XIII- 2800
Dave: Go ahead Red.
Foghorn Leghorn: Hey that's I say that's a poem son!
Cid: Shut the hell up!!! (Shoves spear up his @$$)
Foghorn: I say you can't hurt me that way son!
Dave: I've got an idea. (Whips out an eraser and rubs him out)
Foghorn: Eraser! Rub! That's another joke I say that's... (Gets completely erased)
Dave: The only way to deal with a cartoon is to destroy its source, the piece of paper. But I don't know who's worse, him or Cait's friend.
Cait's friend: Tequila man!
Dave: Red you're up.
Red XIII: No sensible categories left, I'll take Mini-games for 600.
Dave: You actually have to try to fail this mission.
Cid: What is the submarine game?
Dave: Damn right.
Cid: Mini-games for 800.
Dave: A cheap rip-off of Warcraft.
Vincent: What is the Fort Condor battle?
Dave: Too easy, Vince go.
Vincent: Mini-games for 1000.
Dave: All right I didnít write this one! If you're anything like Dave you laugh maniacally while shooting on this one.
Red XIII: What is the Speed Square roller coaster?
Dave: Yeah I play that one all the time. Go on Red.
Red XIII: Love for 800.
Red XIII: Who is Cait Sith's friend.
Cait's friend: Tequila man!
Dave: And here's the last answer, love for 1000. The clue, Ramza Beoulve.
Cid: Who is nobody?
Dave: YES! Everybody I know (well almost) hates Ramza! The scores are...
Red XIII- 4600
Dave: Seeing as how when I kicked Alex out of the fic Johnny disappeared as well. So here's Steel with the prizes.
Steel: Our third place contestant will receive the fabulous new Do-It-Yourself Cait Sith robot kit, comes with a moogle, a lifelike Cait Sith, and even Cait's friend complete with a case of tequila.
Cait's friend: Tequila man!
Steel: Today's second place contestant will win a trip to fabulous Costa Del Sol on Shinra's Air Gelnika, their motto is "Our insurance doesn't cover WEAPON attacks." And as we all know all of the contestants receive the electronic Jeopardy home game.
(Back to Dave)
Dave: Thanks Steel, you're payment's waiting for you outside.
Steel: Sweet damn! (Runs out of the studio)
Dave: 3... 2... 1... (Gunshots are heard) I have to this to him in every fic.
Dave/Vince/Red/Cid: (Do their victory dances)
Dave: And the Final Jeopardy category is... "Fanfictional Characters." We'll give the answer after the last commercial. I like this, does Alex want to keep the job?
Cait Sith: Cait Sith here once again, and this time it's actually not a commercial for Instant Plot Devices (Just add water). Recently I figured out the perfect way to make money by opening my own carnival! Come see the mysterious crossbreed that no one knows how he even had kids.
Red XIII: I resent that.
Cait Sith: Too bad! Also the master of tequila drinking, my friend.
Cait's friend: Tequila man!
Cait Sith: Even see the man with the most unnatural hair in history, Cloud Strife.
Cloud: I'm only doing this since I get 50% of the profits.
Cait Sith: Yeah because you threatened me! All this and more at the Sith Carnival! But our most popular attraction is the hit Yuffie with a tomato and win a prize!
Cid: F**k yeah! (Throws a tomato)
Yuffie (Chained to a wall): (Gets hit right in the face)
Cait Sith: So come one! Come all! Come now and get a free bottle of my latest product, the new tequilalizer!
Cait's friend: Tequila man!
Dave: We're back and ready for Final Jeopardy.
Audience: GET ON WITH IT!!!!
Dave: All right! The Final Jeopardy clue is... This guy is described by one as a psychopathic murderer who will kill at the drop of a hat." You have 30 seconds... good luck.
(We all know what plays right now, thirty seconds later)
Dave: All right we'll start with Vincent who stands at 3000.
Vincent's screen: Who is Dav Cole?
Dave: Kinda obvious but correct. You wagered... all?! But that puts you up to 6000 and a small chance at winning. Red XIII's next, did he also put Dav?
Red's screen: Who is John Steel Clayton?
Dave: Sorry you're wrong, he's only killed Mike Tyson and DiCraprio, Dav only kills Ramza, Yuffie, and Reotardo. You wagered... 2400 so that leaves you with 2200. And Cid, did he have the right response?
Cid's screen: Who is Dav Cole?
Dave: Cid's also right and apparently he also wagered all of his money so for the fifth time this week Cid wins with a grand total of 66002 gil!
Cid: F**K YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dave: So Cid is the FF7 on Jeopardy champion mainly because he was the only original contestant remaining. Since this fic is over Alex will be back in the next episode. Now excuse me so I can be paid. (Leaves)
(The credits roll at a pace where no one can read them, but do we care?)
Steel: Jeopardy was created by Merv Griffon.
Milk + Cheese: MERV GRIFFON!!! (Run around destroying the studio)