Even More Love Letter Insanity
Author: Kenji Kotaro
Rating: PG 13
WARNING: FINAL FANTASY IX SPOILERS AHEAD!
Alaexandria had been rebuilt, Queen Dagger was being considered one of
the best rulers since Queen Brahme (Which really isn't saying much...).
Steiner and Beatrix had both become Generals of the Alexandria army,
Zidane was the leader of a band of thieves (Consisting of him and
Mikoto), Vivi had become the Mayor of the Black Mage villiage, Eiko was
learning more about summoning with Dr. Tot (of course she usualy sneaks off
to play Pokemon when he goes on a lecture), Freya was rebuilding
Burmecia and, last but not least, Kuja was most likely dead or in a coma with
severe amnesia (Insert bad Soap opera theme here).
This story begins in the Black Mage villiage, where Vivi was attending
to some Mayorly bussiness.
"Let's see... My love, how I love you... Let me count the ways..." Vivi
said, writing a letter.
"Mayor Vivi!" Black mage #123, Vivi's vice-mayor, ran into the
"EEEK!" Vivi quickly hid the letter behind his back, "#123! What is
"Sir, the Queen of Alexandria is here to see you about the short life
thing." #123 said.
"Send her in please!" Vivi said.
Dagger then poked her head out from behind the door, "Hi, Vivi!" She
said as she walked into the room, suddenly followed by Steiner.
"Hi, Dagger!" Vivi said.
"Please Master Vivi, refer to her as Queen Dagger." Steiner said, witha
slight grin on his face.
"Cut it out, Steiner. You know I don't like it when my friends call me
Queen." Dagger said.
A slight blush grew on Vivi's cheeks, STEINER was there. The STEINER.
One of the few friends he ever had... Well, human friends. Oh yeah, and
Steiner believed in him a lot too. He then remembered his love note,
"EEK!" He thought, "HEY! What's that!?!" He shouted, pointing behind
#123. Everyone turned around, he quickly crumpled up the letter and threw
it out a window, "There goes the chance of Steiner reading that." He
"What's what?!" Steiner said, looking confused.
"Must have been an owl!" Vivi said.
"Thank the Gods, if it was something that would endanger the queen I
don't know what I'd do..." Steiner said.
"Well, with that behind us... Let's start the meeting." Dagger
Of course, things are that convinient for Vivi... The love letter DID
fall into someone's hands. The hands of Zidane's partner (and crew) in
his band of thieves... Mikoto!
"Huh?!" Mikoto looked at the note and said, "Zidane might like to read
Zidane was in the new thieve's hideout in Alexandria... He and his band
of thieves would be making a raid on the palace while the Queen was
gone... That way no-one would know that he, the leader of the only band of
thieves in Alexandria, would have done it. He was all ready, his mask
was on, his tail was hidden, he even died his hair green... But he
messed up and it turned orange, but even with that, he was ready to steal a
whole bunch of money from the castle.
....At least until Mikoto ran into the room, "Zidane!! Zidane!!" She
shouted, holding a piece of paper in her hands.
"What is it?!" Zidane shouted.
"I found something important!" Mikoto said.
"Unless it's a love letter from Vivi or a map to Abe Lincon's gold I
don't wanna hear about it, instead I wanna raid the castle!" Zidane said,
holding up a large stick of dynamite, "I plan to use a lot of this
"It's a love letter from Vivi!" Mikoto said.
"......GIMME THAT!!" Zidane said, quickly grabbing the letter, "My
love, how I love you... Let me count the ways..." Zidane then read the
rest, "....Love, Vivi." He then looked, at Mikoto and said, "YES!!! YES!!
FINALY!!! MY LUCK IS FINALY HERE!!" Hearts appeared in his eyes as he
suddenly danced around and sang, "Vivi loves me... He really loves
me....La la la la la la!" He then snapped out of it and said, "Mikoto! Take
all messages, accept anyone who joins, cancel all my appointments! I'm
heading to the Black Mage villiage!"
"Wait! You have an appointment with Locke Cole in half an hour!" Mikoto
"You take it! I've got true love to find!" Zidane said as he danced out
of the room.
"....Something tells me this is going to be a big problem..." Mikoto
said to herself.
Suddenly a man walked into the room, "Hi, I'm Locke Cole, sorry I'm a
"Hi! You must be the thief who wanted to join!" Mikoto said.
"That's TREASURE HUNTER!!! Call me a thief ONCE MORE and I will rip
your lungs out!!!" Locke shouted.
"EEEEK!!" Mikoto shouted, she then thought, "...This is going to be a
Of course, for Zidane too, this would be a long week...
"What do you mean there are no ships in service?!" Zidane shouted.
"Sorry, but only General Beatrix, the Queen, or General Steiner can use
a ship." A soldier said.
"Beatrix, eh...?" Zidane got an idea.
Half an hour later Zidane came back... With a wig, a dress and a big
sword, "Hello, I'm general Beatrix, please let me through."
"General Beatrix!! I thought you were in Burmecia, helping them
rebuild!" The soldier said.
"I made a change of plans." Zidane said.
"Okay then, please enter." The soldier said.
"Thank you!" Zidane then walked by the soldier.
"Wait a minute!!!" The soldier shouted, noticing that Zidane forgot to
hid his tail, "....General Beatrix!!! You've got a tail!!!"
"....Would you believe that it's a new status effect?" Zidane
"Gaurds!! Kill that imposter!!" The soldier shouted.
"EEEK!" Zidane quickly jumped into the water and swam away, "TO VIVI!!"
".....He'll probably drown before he gets there." The Soldier said.
"Or get eaten by a shark." Another soldier said.
Vivi was in his mayor's office... Writing another letter, "Dear
Steiner, how I love you... Let me count the ways...." He mumbled as he wrote
Steiner was in the villiage, talking with the locals, and doing some
shopping and protecting Dagger from any threatening looking owl.
"Have at thee owl!! Thou shalt pay for thy beady eyed look at Queen
Garnet!!" Steiner's shout was heard from outside.
"Well, that should distract him!" Vivi said to himself as he continued
writing the letter. He was right, Steiner was distracted... Until that
owl flew into the room.
"Curse thee owl!! You dare attack Master Vivi!!" Steiner then ran into
the room and tackled the owl... Crushing it as flat as a pancake, "Let
that be a lesson to you!" He then looked over to Vivi, "Master Vivi!
What is that you're writing?" Steiner looked over, "Oh! It is adressed to
me?" Steiner picked it up, and began to read, "Dear Steiner--"
Suddenly Vivi grabbed the letter and stuffed it in his mouth, and
swallowed, "No way he can know yet!" He thought.
"....Is it a black mage custom to eat paper or are you just very
hungry?" Steiner asked.
"...Starving! Want to get some lunch?" Vivi asked.
"Yes, master Vivi!" Steiner and Vivi then walked out of the room.
On the beach a body washed up on shore... The body of Zidane, actualy
it wasn't a dead body, just a hurt, shark bitten, tired body.
"Ugh..." Zidane groaned, he quickly got up, "Ow... My head..." Zidane
then looked behind him... A barracuda was biting his tail, "......" He
picked up the barracuda and tossed it in the ocean. He then limped to
the black mage villiage...
"Now, Mr. Cole..." Mikoto said, looking at a form, "According to this
background check, you've had frequent problems with alcohal, you were
put in a mental institution, you beat up President ShinRa--"
"FORMER president!" Locke corrected.
Mikoto looked at the form again, "Okay, I'll give you that." She then
put the piece of paper down, and stamped it.
"POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS?!" Locke shouted.
"Relax, that makes you a member of Zidane's band of thieves." Mikoto
said., "...And it limits you to 3 hand guns or less."
"Woo hoo!!" Locke shouted, "I'm a thief!! YES!! I AM A THIEF!!" He
"Congratulations, Mr. Thief!" Mikoto said.
"THAT'S TREASURE HUNTER!! YOU DIE NOW!!" Locke shouted, he then chased
Mikoto around the room.
"Sorry! Sorry!! Sorry!!!" Mikoto shouted, dodging various objects
thrown at her.
"Ow... Pain... Pain..." Zidane said as he crawled to the entance of the
Black Mage villiage, he had to start crawling after those two
Bandersnatches used his arms as chew toys, and his head as a scratching post,
"Itai... Pain... Ouch..." He then collapsed at the entrance.
Two black mages stepped towards him, "Looks like he's hurt!" The first
"HEY! Now we can try out that new hospital we built!" The second black
mage said. They both carried Zidane to the hospital.
"Ugh.... Wh-where am I?" Zidane asked as he woke up.
A black mage, in a doctor's outfit, looked at Zidane and then to the
nurse, "It's alive!!! ALIVE!!!"
"Yes, I am fully aware of that." The Terraian nurse said, holding her
ears in pain.
"Sorry." The black mage said, he then grabbed a scalpel, "Now let's
open him up and see what he ate last!!"
"AAHHH!!!" Zidane shouted as the Doctor began to make stabbing motions
towards his stomach.
The nurse grabbed the Black Mage's hand and said, "Dr. 456, I don't
think we need to do that."
"Darn it! Oh well, let's put him in a hospital room..." The Doctor and
the Nurse put Zidane into a wheelchair and wheeled him into another
Zidane sat in his hospital bed, bored and wanting out.. But he doesn't
want to make a Black Mage (who gave Doctor's orders) angry... He knew
what could happen. He then notice there was someone in the bed next to
him... He opened the curtain and saw a horrific site... KUJA WAS
SLEEPING IN THAT BED. "AAHHH!! KUJA!!"
Suddenly Kuja awoke and shouted, "AAHHH!! Where!? Where?! HELP! HELP!
KUJA IS HERE!!!" He shouted.
"....." Zidane just looked dumbfounded as Kuja began to scream about
Kuja... Which made no sense but that's what he was doing.
Quickly Dr. 456 ran into the room, "NURSE!! Get some Morphine!!!"
A nurse ran into the room and gave Kuja a shot of Morphine in the
"Wheeeeeee!" Kuja said as he suddenly relaxed and layed down.
"Thank God!! That was close!" Dr. 456 said.
"What the...? That's Kuja!! KILL HIM!" Zidane shouted.
"He's got amnesia! It's not like he knows he's Kuja!" The nurse
"Suppose he gets his memory back!" Zidane said.
"Then we grab a mallet, hit him over the head and the problem is
solved!" Dr. 456 said.
"....I really question the medical practices of this hospital." Zidane
Dr. 456 then whispered to the nurse, "Does that mean he likes it?"
"I'm not sure, Doctor." The nurse replied.
The Doctor and the nurse then left Zidane alone with Kuja.
"Hi, I'm patient #001." Kuja said, obviously trying to make friends
with Zidane, "What's your name?"
"....Zidane." Zidane said.
"Do you like knock-knock jokes?" Kuja asked.
"Awwww... Don't cry!"
"Dear God help me..." Zidane thought.
Vivi was enjoying a cheeseburger with Steiner at 789's Bar & Grill, and
obviously having a much better time than Zidane.
"Um... Steiner, I need to tell you something--" Vivi started to say
until Steiner turned away.
"MY GOD!! It's that owl!!!" Steiner shouted.
"...You killed that last one, remember?" Vivi asked, he then reached
into his robe and pulled it out, "See?" He then tossed it into the woods
like a frisbee.
"Oh yeah... Sorry, they all look alike." Steiner said.
"Any way, like I was trying to say--"
"Steiner!! Come quick!! It's an emergency!!" Dagger shouted, running
into the room.
"What is it my Queen?!" Steiner asked.
"Oh GOD I'll never tell him!!" Vivi thought.
"We found Beatrix' clothing on the beach!! Horribly ripped!!" Dagger
"WHAT?!!" Steiner quickly ran out of the Bar&Grill and to the
"That's IT!!" Vivi shouted, kicking over a stool.
"AAH! The Mayor's gone insane!!" A Black mage shouted.
The rest quickly ran off, except for Dagger...
"THAT IS IT!! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH INTERUPTIONS!!" Vivi shouted.
"Wh-What do you mean?!" Dagger shouted.
"I have been TRYING to tell Steiner how much I love him but every time
I get interupted, with embarrassment, fear, disapearing Generals, and I
had a CHANCE to tell him!! Then I would love him, he might love me!! We
would love each other, hug, kiss, go home and--"
"TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!" Dagger shouted.
"Sorry!" Vivi said, suddenly he relized what he just said... He just
told Dagger about his love for STEINER.. Another guy!! How would she take
this?! Would she hate him?! Would she send the scientists who are
studying how to make black mages live longer back to Alexandria?! What?!
"Awww... I didn't know you were in love." Dagger said.
She was going to "awww..." him!! The worst thing-- Wait, awwww...?!
"...You don't mind?!"
"Not at all!" Dagger said.
"....You don't mind I'm in love with a MALE general of your army?" Vivi
"...You do know I'm a guy, right?"
".....This wasn't the outcome I expected.... Thank God!"
Let's quickly cut back to Zidane, who is currently pondering what do
about Kuja and his obsession with Knock Knock jokes...
"Knock knock!" Kuja said.
".....I'm not going to say it!" Zidane replied, crossing his arms.
"Say it!" Kuja said.
"....*Sigh* Who's there?"
"Lettuce in! We're freezing to death!"
Zidane then thought about something, "Should I kill myself or him? Or a
"Orange you glad I didn't say 'Banana'?" Kuja then began to laugh.
Zidane quickly grabbed the nearest shap object, "DIE!!!" He quickly
jumped towards Kuja.
"AHHH!!" Kuja shouted as Zidane jumped towards him, making stabbing
Quickly Dr.456 ran into the room, and tackled Zidane and took the sharp
object from Zidane, "NURSE!! MORPHINE!!"
Quickly the nurse ran into the room and gave Zidane a shot of
"...Wheeeee!" Zidane said as the morphine took effect, the nurse and
the doctor walked him to his bed and he layed down.
"He'll be fine! Morphine makes people non-violent!" Dr. 456 said.
"It's the wonder drug!" The nurse said.
They both left.
"...Hey, Kuja." ZIdane said.
"Yes?" Kuja asked.
And now I supose you're wondering what happened to Steiner...
Steiner held the clothing he found on the beach in the air, he covered
his eyes and began to wander around, "Beatrix!! Where are you?! I found
your clothes!" Suddenly he bumped into a tree, "OW!" He got up again
and covered his eyes and walked around again, "Beatrix!! Where for art
thou?! I have your clothes!" He then tripped over a rock.
This process was repeated many times.
Of course to Steiner's good luck, Beatrix was actualy on her way to the
Black Mage villiage. The rebuilding of Bermecia had been finished, and
she wanted to help Steiner protect the princess... Even though Steiner
was perfectly capable of handling the job (Anyone who would suspect an
owl is capable enough of being a paranoid body gaurd and\or
She stepped on to the beaches of the continent... Only to see Steiner,
covering his eyes and running around and hitting things. "....I now
fear for the princess' safety..." She said to herself as she approached
Steiner and tapped his shoulder, "Steiner?"
"Beatrix!!" Steiner shouted, turning towards Beatrix, still covering
his eyes, "There you are!"
"..You can uncover your eyes." Beatrix said.
"I can't!! I have your clothes!" Steiner said, presenting Beatrix'
"...Those aren't my clothes." Beatrix replied, looking at the clothes
Steiner was holding, "They aren't even my size!"
Steiner spread two fingers apart and looked, "Oh thank God!" He said,
seeing that Beatrix really was fully clothed, "Wait... Then who's
clothes are these!?"
"I'll send out a search party to look for the missing girl, or remains
of her. You head back to the princess!" Beatrix said, she then walked
back to her ship and got her soldiers together.
Steiner quickly ran to the black mage villiage, he then remembered,
"Wait! What if I see the missing girl while I'm heading back?!" He then
covered his eyes and headed in the general direction of the back mage
"So, I had this pen pal named Sephiroth." Kuja said, he and Zidane had
been talking about pen pals they've had over the years, "We exchanged
pictures, he's my EXACT TWIN! Same hair! Just a poor taste in
"I once had a pen pal named Cloud... He had sikey hair and carried a
big sword!" Zidane said.
Suddenly Dr. 456 ran into the room, followed by the nurse... Wheeling
in an empty wheelchair.. Or so it seemed.
"Nurse!! Quickly!!! Push Zidane off the bed and put the next patient
on!" Dr. 456 said.
The nurse tossed Zidane to the floor and put a, flatter than a pancake,
owl on the ground.
"What's that?!" Kuja shouted, getting up and looking at the flattened
"We found this poor owl in the forrest by #789's Bar&Grill! Something
crushed it!" The nurse said.
"Nurse!! We must save it!" Dr. 456 said.
".....It's dead." Zidane said.
"It's not too late!!" Kuja said, "Give it mouth to mouth!!"
"What kind of hospital is this place?!" Zidane shouted, "The bird is
"Brilliant Kuja!" Dr. 456 said, he then moved towards the bird's
"I'm OUTTA HERE!" Zidane shouted.
Dagger quickly layed out a table cloth, grinning to herself, "This is
perfect! I put Vivi and Steiner on a date, and then they'll be happy
together!" She quickly grabbed a couple candles and lit them, "Now I just
need to find Steiner and Vivi..." She then saw Steiner walking into
town... Covering his eyes, ".....Found the first one!"
"Ow! Sorry!" Steiner said as he ran into a black mage, suddenly Dagger
stopped him, "Who's there?!"
"It's me!" Dagger shouted.
"Oh... Can I uncover my eyes?" Steiner asked.
"....Yes." Dagger said.
"Thank God." Steiner un covered his eyes.
"Steiner, I have an idea! Why don't you go to that nicely set up table,
and wait there for a couple minutes!" Dagger said.
"Okay.... Why?" Steiner asked as Dagger began to push him towards the
"You'll see..." Dagger said innocently.
During this time Mikoto was having a little trouble with Locke...
"Okay, now use your steal--" Mikoto then saw Locke's glare, "...I mean
'treasure hunt' skill, and steal that Danish from Quina!" She said,
pointing to Quina, who was about to eat a Danish.
Locke stepped up to Quina, grabbed it by the collar and said, "GIMME
Quina, who's tribe's motto was "Die before you give up tastey
yummies!", glared at Locke, grabbed its fork (which had the ability to also
petrify an enemy) and poked Locke.
"ACK--" Locke suddenly turned to stone.
Quina then happily walked off and enjoyed its Danish.
"...I thought that Celes girl said he was a master theif..." Mikoto
said to herself.
"ats tresiaa huntaa!" Locke shouted, his stone form shaking side to
Zidane was wandering through the black mage villiage, looking for Vivi,
"Yeesh, in a place like this he should stand uut..." He said to
himself, he thens aw Vivi, walking into a resturant with Dagger, hearts
appeared in his eyes, "Vivi... My love..." He then walked towards Vivi, until
he saw Vivi sit down at a table... With Steiner... And there was some
talking... Then Dagger said something which, to Zidane, sounded like
"Just kiss already!" ..And they did.... Zidane's heart shattered as he
looked at the two of them, he fell to the ground and shouted,
Dagger looked outside, saw Zidane screaming, then crying, and said,
"....I knew it."
Zidane, heartbroken, walked out of the villiage and to the beach...
"*Sniff* And I almost had my darling Vivi..." He said to himself.
When he reached the beach he saw a large ship that landed there, he
sadly walked into the ship, hotwired it and sailed home.
A little later Beatrix returned to the beach with her search party,
unable to find the missing girl. They then looked for the boat, but
Beatrix summed up the situation with 4 simple words...
"Dude, where's my boat?!"
What happened next:
Quina - Enjoyed its Danish.
Beatrix - Went on a search for her boat, later got in a fight with a
Black Mage at a McDonalds who said "And then?" one too many times.
Dagger - Let Vivi and Steiner get married.
Steiner and Vivi - Got married and currently have a happy life in the
Black Mage villiage. Especialy after the lifespan of a Black Mage has
been increased to as long a s humans. (This happened due to the use of
Alexandrian scientists, and the author who doesn't want Vivi to
Zidane - Mikoto told him, "Don't worry, there's more guys! You can have
um.... There's uh... ...Well, you'll find someone!" So he feels a
Locke - Currently remains as Zidane's new stone lawn gnome.
Mikoto - Taunts the lawn gnome (Locke) by calling it a thief over and
The flattened owl - ...Aparently it lived and became Dr. 456's personal
Kuja - Well...
Late one night, in the black mage hospital... Kuja awoke from a
"Huhahahahahhaha!!! NOW I REMEMBER WHO I AM! I AM KUJA, RULER OF THIS
WORLD!! HA HA HA HA HA HA" He shouted, sounding very much like Ruka
Bright from Suikoden II.
Suddenly Dr. 456 came into the room with a large anime mallet, "Someone
needs a sedative!" He said, smashing it over Kuja's head.
"....Down I go....' Kuja said, falling to the ground.
Dr. 456 then left the room, he had succesfully saved the world from
Quick back to Jessie's Computer before another letter is written!