The Materia Whore (Based loosely from 'The Gingerbread Boy')
By Cloud B.

Narrator: One day in Nibelheim, a little old lady--
Tifa: Who are you calling old!?
Narrator: Um, sorry. And a little old man--
Cloud: Man, I'm not even 25!!
Narrator: Anyway, two people were happily making a batch of gingerbread cookies.
Tifa: Cloud, isn't making gingerbread cookies fun?
Cloud: (mumbling) Yes, this is very fun...
Tifa: Cloud, show some enthuesiasm.
Cloud: You know what I'm enthuesiastic about?
Tifa: No, what?
Cloud: You in the sack!
Annoying british voice: Oh my! This is disgusting!!
Cloud: Shutup, you old wench!! C'mon Tifa, let's go lower the rating of this fic a notch or two!
Tifa: Yeah! Just let me put this last pan in.
Narrator: So Cloud and Tifa went upstairs and left the cookies to bake. The ceiling dropped a few flakes of paint and Yuffie snuck in through a window.
Yuffie: Yum, what's that smell?!
Yuffie: (Finds cookies) Yeah!! Cookies!! (takes a few)
Tifa: Cloud, you hear something?
Cloud: Besides you panting? No.
Tifa: (Shoves Cloud to floor) I'm going to check anyway.
Cloud: Damn...
Tifa: (Gasps) Ahh!! My cookies!! (sees Yuffie on floor)
Yuffie: Wha? Ith juth wanthed thome cookieth!!
Tifa: You damned b***h! Those were for Cloud! Where's my materia?! I wanna cast some spell on you...
Yuffie: Hee hee!! Run run as fast as you can, can't catch me I'm the materia whore!!
Cloud: Hey, my materia!! You stupid whore!!
Yuffie: Wha ha ha ha!!
Tifa: After her!!
Yuffie: Run run as fast as you can! Can't catch me, I'm the materia whore!!

Narrator: So Yuffie runs off calling herself the 'Materia Whole' with Cloud and Tifa in pursuit.

Cloud: Damn, I thought you were gone!
Narrator: Nope.
Cloud: Stupid bastard...
Cait Sith: Damn, nothing to do these days... (scratches @$$ and burps loudly)
Vincent: ...yes...
Red XIII: I wish Cloud hadn't whupped Sephiroth's @$$ so fast, then we could have gotten some hits in! (chews fur near @$$)
Cid: Damn right! I heard it only takes about 1,500 damage to beat that bastard!!
Vincent: ...
Barret: Sheet foo's, we's always jus sittin' here talkin' about nothing but sheet day after day! We's gotta get out more.
Cid: I don't what the fuck you're on, but I just want to watch the Dukes!!
Barret: You damned foo'! Tha's all you ever do!!
Cid: So, what the f**k do you care!?
Barret: Uhh...
Red XIII: Perhaps we could visit Cloud and Tifa, they seem to always have something to do.
Vincent: ...
Barret: Yo, Vince. What the hell does "..." mean anyway?!
Vincent: (shrugs) I've always had that line in fics.
Barret: Oh.
Yuffie: (runs in and steals materias) Wha ha ha!!
Barret: You b***h, give back my materia!!! (runs after Yuffie)
Cid: )(*^$@%$)!!!!!!!!!! (runs also)
Red XIII: (chews @$$) My materia sucked, never got past level 3...
Vincent: At least you weren't a hidden character.
Red XIII: Now what does that have to do with anything!?
Vincent: ... I don't know.
Yuffie: (smacks Red XIII with a 2x4 board) Hee haa ho ho!!
Elena: Did someone call for a ho?!
Cid: Hell no you slutty skank-@$$ whore!
Elena: OK, just asking! Bye!
Red XIII: That b***h!! At first I didn't have any reason to chase her, but now I want her skin on my floor!!
Yuffie: Run run, as fast as you can! Can't catch me, I'm the Materia Whore! I've run from the pollack and the Double D, and I can run from you see!!
Vincent: ... let's get her...
Yuffie: Wha ha ha ha!!

Narrator: Yuffie now has 5 people chasing after her, will the madness end?

Cloud: Damn you, shutup!! (slices head off of narrator)
Narrator: ...
Cloud: Damn straight, I'm taking over this fic!!
Tifa: I love a man who's in control!
Cloud: And I love a woman who can't see her own shoes while in a standing position!
Tifa: Cloud, make love to me!!
Cloud: Hell yeah!! (screws Tifa)
Yuffie: Ugh!! Wha ha ha!!
Cid: Catch that thieving materia whore!!
Yuffie: Run run as fast as you can! Can't catch me, I'm the materia whore!!
Cid: !*(^ing right you are!!
Yuffie: (runs until she finds a river, but can't cross because of all the materia she stole) Damn, I need... a boat!!
Leviathan: (in annoying brit voice) No you don't, just ride upon my back. I shall carry you safely across.
Yuffie: How do I know you won't turn into a damned redcoat and kill me?
Leviathan: Trust me, I've put all of that behind me. Besides, you aren't even American so what would you even care?
Yuffie: Wha ha ha!! Good point!
Leviathan: Now, let us cross the river where you can continue running and laughing on the other side.
Yuffie: Like this? Wha ha ha ha ha ha!!
Leviathan: Yes, like that. What are you running from anyway?
Yuffie: I stole materia from a pollack and Double D, from a man who calls himself Captian. I've run from a dog with a fire on his tail, and a tall scary man. And I can run from you I can!
Leviathan: Are you so sure about that?
Yuffie: Wha ha ha ha ha!!
Leviathan: ... (thinking) oh god, now I sound like Vincent...
Yuffie: Wha ha ha ha!!
Leviathan: (under breath) I don't know how much more I can stand, better end the cause of the laughing... NOW! (flies up and swallows Yuffie, materia and all)
Cloud: You damned overgrown fish! You ate our materias!!
Barret: I pity da foo' who eats materias.
Tifa: yeah, give 'em back!
Leviathan: Um, no.
Cid: ()&@%$)!$_*^!#)*&%)!^#_^!~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Give back the damned materia!!
Cloud: Or I'll fillet you and sell your caviar in the Midgar slums for nothing!!
Leviathan: Um, no.
Cloud: Fine, have it my way! DIE YOU GODDAMNED FISH!!! (omnislashes Leviathan)
Leviathan: Damn.. (falls to pieces)
Vincent: ...It's dead now...
Cloud: Damn right, Vince!! Everyone dig in!!

END


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