Final Fantasy VII:
NIGHTMARE AT GOLD SAUCER
By Dave(Cloud)

Victory Theme (Final Fantasy VII)

The story so far-

Cloud and the rest of the gang have just defeated Palmer and have escaped Shinra forces at Rocket Town. Now theyíre on a mission to retrieve the Keystone from the Gold Saucer. Now here is the story.

After talking with the weapon seller east of a known as Gongonga, we parked the Tiny Bronco about 25 miles from North Corel (Barretís hometown). On our second day of hiking, we met some jesters.
JESTER 1: Pina Colada, man!
AERIS: Hey thatís my line! (sheís holding a pina colada bottle)
JESTER 1: Who says?
AERIS: I say, you mother $#@#%$ piece of crap!
JESTER 2: (walks up to Yuffie) Say youíre kind of hot. Want some pina colada?
YUFFIE: %$@# you! (kicks the jester in the balls)
JESTER 2: OWW! OK?
AERIS: Hey not a bad idea! (kicks the other jester in the balls)
JESTER 1: OWWW! OK?

We hiked for about five days all together. When we reached North Corel we went in the inn. While there, we saw a news bulletin.
NEWS GUY: We interrupt this program to bring you shocking news.
INNKEEPER: God damn it! Just when Batman and Robin was starting!
BARRET: Thatís a gay movie!
INNKEEPER: $#@% you!
BARRET: Up yours!
INNKEEPER: All right! You asked for it! (throws a chair at Barret)
BARRET: (dodging the chair) @$$hole! (shoots the innkeeper)
NEWS GUY: Leonardo DiCrapio was spotted in the Wonder Square section of the Gold Saucer, touching little children. Here is a video of the incident.
MOTHER: Hey! Get away from my baby boy! (smacks DiCrapio with her purse)
DICRAPIO: Coochy Coochy Coo! (tickling little boy)
BABY: WAHHH! (smacks him with his bottle)
RED XIII: Damn man! Thatís the third time this week weíve heard of this DiCrapio character molesting children.
ME: Not surprising. After all he is gay.
TIFA: It all started after he stared in that piece of crap Titanic movie.
ME: Well we better get some sleep. ( everyone nods in agreement. Lights are turned out)

In the middle of the night Cait Sith and Vincent wake up to hear noises in the other room.
CAIT SITH: Man what is that noise?
VINCENT: Sounds like Red XIII and a cat screwing each other! (both laugh)
RED XIII: I heard that!
Cait and Vincent both laugh.
CAIT SITH: But seriously what is that noise?
TIFA: O Cloud! O CLOUD!
ME: Yeah baby!
VINCENT: Oh my God! Theyíre screwing each other!
CAIT SITH: Lucky bastard!

Cait Sith and Vincent go back to sleep but wake up 3 hours later.
CAIT SITH: Man, are they ever going to stop?
VINCENT: You would think one of them would have exploded by now and fluid would be all over the place.
CAIT SITH: You sick perverted bastard!
VINCENT: $#%@ you!
CAIT SITH: DiCrapioís mama!
VINCENT: Oh God shut up!
AERIS: ( singing) I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener!
VINCENT: AHHHH! Itís the Oscar Meyer Wiener man!
CAIT SITH: SHHHHHHH! I donít want him to hear us!
CAITíS FRIEND: (jumps in bed with her) Tequila, man!
CAIT & VINCENT: AHHHHHHHHHH! (both fall out of their beds)
AERIS: AHHHHHHH! (hits Caitís friend with a pillow)
CAITíS FRIEND: OWWW! OK?
VINCENT: It was just Aeris, Cait.
CAIT SITH: AHHHHHHHHH! ( hides under his bed.)

In the morning we departed for the Gold Saucer.
We went up to the Ropeway station. We rode the Ropeway over to Gold Saucer. We got off the Ropeway.
ME: All right gang, there is no time for fun right now. Weíre getting the Keystone and then leave.
CID: Hey, whereís Yuffie?
ME: I dunno. Sheís probably trying to steal a date or something.
TIFA: Hey look! Itís Bruce Willis!
BRUCE WILLIS: You mean to tell me you donít accept American dollars!
TICKET SALER: Sorry Mr. Willis only gil. Plus I need to see some ID.
WILLIS: WHY?
TICKET SALER: You COULD be a phony!
WILLIS: You bastard! Will this change your mind?(shoots the ticket guy)
TICKET GUY: OWWW! OK?
The whole team claps and cheers.
AERIS: WOW! That was amazing (whole team walks up to Willis)
WILLIS: You like that uh? Check this out! (kills five security guards with one shot)
ME: That kicks ass!
WILLIS: Iím the one and only Bruce Willis. Who are you guys?
ME: Cloud Strife and these are my friends. This is Barret, Aeris, Tifa, Red XIIIÖ
RED XIII: Also known as Nanaki.
ME: Thanks Red.
RED XIII: No problem man!
ME: SHUT UP! ( throws a soccer ball at Red)
RED XIII: WOOF! WOOF!
ME: Anyway, this is Cait Sith, Cid, and Vincent
WILLIS: Nice to meet you all. (Bruce Willis joins the party)

At the steps leading to the battle arena we hear shouts of pissed off people
GUY 1: You little slut, come back here!
GUY 2: Grab her!
The guys tumble down the stairs.
YUFFIE: Miss me! Miss me! Now you got to piss on me!
WHOLE TEAM: Yuffie!
WILLIS: Whoís that?
ME: Oh yeah! I almost forgot to introduce you to Yuffie. She will steal anything.
WILLIS: ( searches his pockets) Oh shit my wallet!
Yuffie comes running down the stairs with the Keystone in hand.
YUFFIE: Cloud look! The Keystone!
ME: Good going Yuffie! (sarcastically) Are those pants youíre holding?
YUFFIE: Yeah. I stole them from those guys up there( points to the top of the battle arena)
GUY 3: Get the b***h!
AERIS: Run! RUN!
TIFA: Weíre done for!
VINCENT: Everyone with guns take them out!
Willis, Vincent, and Barret take their guns out.
YUFFIE: Wait! Donít fire! I have an idea! ( starts singing in a high pitched voice) Blue or teal. Fish or eel. Give me something good to steal! If you donít I WILL care. I will steal your underwear!
WILLIS: Now thatís a site I DONíT want to see.
GUY 4: NO! Not my underpants! !
GUY 3: You can keep our pants! Just please donít sing anymore!
GUY 4: I care more about my underpants than anything.
YUFFIE: YEE HA!
As they start to walk away Bruce Willis sees his wallet in Yuffieís pocket
WILLIS: HEY! Thatís my wallet! Whereís my money?
YUFFIE: What money? There was no gold in your wallet. I was gonna give it back to you.
WILLIS: It was green paper!
YUFFIE: That was money? I thought it was colorful toilet paper!
WILLIS: Oh s**t!

After getting the Keystone we return to the Ropeway only to find out it was busted. We had to stay overnight.
After talking about the Keystone, the Ancients, and smelling Red XIIIí s foot odor, We returned to our rooms for the night.
AERIS: Iím bored! ( hears singing)
AERIS: ( heads to the station) Itís coming from there ( she looks toward Event Square. She enters.)
GARTH BROOKS: (singing) So bring me two pina coladas! One more estate! We set sail with Captain Morgan. Weíre leaving dry land!
AERIS: My favorite song! (she goes on stage and starts dancing)
BROOKS: (notices Aeris dancing on stage) Hey who are you?
AERIS: Iím Aeris, sir! Iím your biggest fan!
BROOKS: For all I know you could be a drunken crazed fan who gets drunk off pina coladas.
AERIS: Hey! How did you know?
BROOKS: Security! Get her off the stage!
Security comes and throws Aeris off the stage.

Back in my hotel room.
ME: What a crappy night! ( hears a knock on the door) What is it?
TIFA: ( enters) Hi!
ME: Whatís wrong? You need another Viagra pill?
TIFA: You want to go on a date?
ME: Yeah why not?

Tifa and I head down toward Event Square where the Garth Brooks concert just ended.
GUY AT ENTERANCE: Congratulations! You are 100th couple tonight!
ME: Yeah (sarcastically)
GUY AT ENTERANCE: You will star in tonightís play
TIFA: Sounds like fun! Come on Cloud!

The play starts
NARRATOR: Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far awayÖ(interrupted)
ME: How far?
NARRATOR: Some where in EnglandÖ
ME: Where in England?
NARRATOR: Somewhere in the middle! ( continues) Anyway Princess Rosa was kidnapped by the evil dragon king, Valvaldos! Oh legendary hero help us! But you have to talk toÖ the KNIGHT ( knight comes spinning out)
ME: AHHHHHHHHHH!
KNIGHT: Oh legendary hero. Alfred, help us. ( a pause) Hey itís your line.
ME: ( picking my nose) Not now! Iím trying to pick a winner. Okay I have one. Now what were you saying?
KNIGHT: Help us save the princess!
ME: Is it mandatory?
KNIGHT: YES!
The king comes spinning out
KNIGHT: You must talk to the king!
ME: ( approaches king) What do you want?
KING: I am the king. Please save my beloved Rosa. But you canít do it right now. Talk to some one who can help you.
The wizard comes spinning out and stops right beside the knight. I approach the wizard.
WIZARD: I am the wizard, Vorman how can I help you?
ME: Well, you can get cancer!
WIZARD: How can that help you?
ME: You will die and I wonít have to see your ugly face again!
WIZARD: I hate you and I wish YOU had cancer!
ME: You are such a d**k!
WIZARD: Youíre a d**k!
ME: Youíre a d**k!
WIZARD: Youíre a d**k!
ME: Youíre a d**k!
WIZARD: Youíre a d**k!
ME: Youíre a d**k!
GUY IN STANDS: Youíre all d**ks! Now shut the #$%@ up and get on with the play!
Audience applauds really loud. I approach the knight
KNIGHT: What do you want me to do?
ME: Defeat the Evil Dragon King and go to HELL!
NARRATOR: Oh look! (evil dragon king comes out, holding Tifa)
EDK: GAHHHHHHH! Iím the Evil Dragon King, Valvaldos! I already know youíre name Alfred!
ME: No, itís Cloud.
EDK: Alfred!
ME: Cloud!
EDK: Alfred!
ME: Cloud!
GUY IN STANDS: SHUT UP! ( throws a beer bottle and hits the EDK in the eye)
Audience applauseís again.
KNIGHT: Iím gonna kick your @$$!
The knight starts pounding on the EDK. The EDK punches the knight on the ground.
KNIGHT: OWW! OK?
ME: Yeah! The knightís dead! ( steps on knightís head)
EDK: Who is your enemy! Say it!
ME: That dead knight!
GUY IN STANDS: You suck! Get him off the stage!
ME: Shut the $#%@ up you fat @$$ prick!
GUY IN STANDS: Who are you calling fat @$$ you spiky headed jerk!
ME: Your mamaís a WHORE!
GUY IN STANDS: Donít insult my mama!
GUYíS MOM: What did he say sonny? He likes Al Gore? Well I must teach him a lesson!
Old women throws her cane and hits the EDK right in the face.
GUY IN STANDS: No he said you were a whore!
GUYíS MOM: What? He wants more?
Old lady throws a chair at the EDK and hits him in the face.
TIFA: Cloud what are you doing? The playís a disaster! (comes up and slaps me)
EDK: GAAAAAAHHHHH! Do you dare ignore me?
TIFA: $#@% you, blabbermouth! ( kicks the EDK in the balls)
EDK: OWWW! OK? (Tifa takes off his mask)
EVERYONE: DIO?
DIO: Hi Everyone! Watch me flex my beautiful muscles! ( starts flexing)
Everyone in the audience starts to scream. I wake up to the noise.
ME: OH MY GOD! ITíS DIO!
GUY IN STANDS: You bastard!
TIFA: Help Me!
Just as everyone was about to die of the sight something happens.

Some familiar looking characters jumped down and saved the day.
TERRANCE: Hey Phillip! Itís a gay guy! Letís go fart on him
PHILLIP: Okay Terrance! ( Phillip farts on Dio)
BOTH: Ah ha ah ha ah ha ah!
TERRANCE: That was marvelous Phillip! Let me try! ( Terrance farts on Dio!)
BOTH: Ah ha ah ha ah ha ah!
DIO: Cut it out! Iím gonna die of gas poisoning!
BOTH: Ah ha ah ha ah ha ah ha!
PHILLIP: That fart gave me the chills, Terrance! This time lets both fart on him. ( they both fart)
DIO: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ( starts to disintegrate)
BOTH: Ah ha ah ha ah ha ah ha ah!
ME: Thanks guys! You saved a lot of lives today!
PHILLIP: ( goes up to Dioís carcass) I will fart on your grave! (farts on Dioís carcass. The carcass explodes)
BOTH: Ah ha ah ha ah ha ah ha!
CAITíS FRIEND: YOO HOO! ( waving his hand up in the air)
ME: Could you do us one more favor? Could you gas him out too?
TERRANCE: Sure no problem! ( both shoot fart toward Caitís friend)
Caitís friend ducks behind the big fat @$$ in the stands.
GUY IN STANDS: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
BOTH: Ah ha ah ha ah ha ah ha!
SCOTT: You two are sick! I wish you both had cancer!
PHILLIP: You see Scott, despite all your criticism it was farting that saved the Gold Saucer.
TERRANCE: Hey Scott you like apples?
SCOTT: Yeah.
TERRANCE: ( farts on Scott) How bout them apples? Ah ha ah ha!
Scott screams and then blows up.

After the play Tifa and I went on the Gondola. We saw all the sites of Gold Saucer.
TIFA: Cloud, I want toÖ well IÖ never mind.
ME: No what is it?
TIFA: Itís nothing.
ME: What is it Tifa?
TIFA: Well do you have any Vagisil cream?
ME: Yeast infection?
TIFA: Yep!
Suddenly a firecracker was heading right for the Gondola.
ME: S**t! Tifa grab on!
They jumped out. The firecracker hits the Gondola destroying it. Tifa and I parachute to safety.
CONDUCTER: $#@%! Man thatís the fourth time this month!

When we returned to our room, Tifa and I started to make out. Then we heard Caitís friend outside our window
CAITíS FRIEND: Tequila, man!
ME: Oh God! Not him again!
BARRET: ( breaks in our room) Want to play a game of tag?
CAITíS FRIEND: Okay!
BARRET: ( shoots Caitís friend.) Your it!
Caitís friend falls to the ground
UNCLE JIMBO: You know Ned? We havenít shot a single bear in two hours! Amazing isnít it?
NED: MMMMMÖ Weíre starting to suck!
UNCLE JIMBO: Yeah I know. ( hears a rustling noise) Ned what was that?
NED: MMMMMÖ I donít know
Uncle Jimbo and Ned look behind them
CAITíS FRIEND: Tequila, man! ( starts walking toward Jimbo and Ned)
UNCLE JIMBO: Get ready Ned! Itís a bear!
NED: MMMMMÖ A Mexican bear!
UNCLE JIMBO: Itís coming right for us!
NED: MMMMMÖ Itís coming right for us!
Jimbo and Ned fire their guns and kill Caitís friend
RED XIII: ( peeking out a window) HA! HA!
UNCLE JIMBO: Iím sorry. Was this one of your friends?
RED XIII: No. He was more like an enemy!
NED: MMMMMÖ S**t happens!
TIFA: Oh Cloud! OH CLOUD!
ME: Harder baby HARDER!
TIFA: ( moans pretty loud) Oh Cloud!
ME: OK Iím done. ( putting our clothes back on)
TIFA: Letís see whatís on TV ( turns the TV on)
PEE WEE HERMAN: Hi boys and girls! Meet my friend Follower 1!
AUDIENCE: Hi Follower 1!
FOLLOWER 1: Hi boys and girls!
PEE WEE HERMAN: Repeat after me: AH! HA! AHHHHHH! ( jacking off)
FOLLOWER 1: AH HA AHHHHHHH! (same thing)
AUDIENCE: AH HA AHHHHHHH!
ME: Oh my God! Change the channel Tifa change the channel!
TIFA: ( changing channels) Heís on every station!
ME: NOOOOO! This canít be happening!
Pee Wee Herman jumps out of the TV along with Follower 1 and his brother Follower 2
PEE WEE: AH HA AHHHHHHH!!
FOLLOWER 1: AH HA AHHHHHHHH!
FOLLOWER 2: AH HA AHHHHHHH!
ME: Run Tifa! RUN!
We get to the door but itís locked.
ME: S**t! The #@%&*# door is stuck!
TIFA: Pound against the door!

We pounded on it and finally broke it down.
ME: Head for Bruce Willisí room!
TIFA: ( pounding on the door) Mr. Willis! Mr. Willis!
WILLIS: ( coming out in an Armageddon bathrobe) Whatís wrong?
TIFA: THAT! ( pointing to Pee Wee and friends)
WILLIS: Shit!
CAIT SITH: Whatís all the racket?
WILLIS: RUN!!
CAIT SITH: Why? ( looks over at Pee Wee and friends) AHHHH!
The four of us ran down stairs to the lobby. Mr. Hangman questions us.
MR. HANGMAN: Hey! HEY! No running in the halls without shoes!
WILLIS: Why donít you shut the #$%@ up and tells us where we can get a gun.
MR. HANGMAN: Why donít you screw DiCrapioís mama!
Bruce Willis takes Mr. Hangman and rips him up. Pee Wee, Follower 1 and Follower 2 came down the stairs jacking off in the process.
ME: Were done for!
CAIT SITH: Were gonna get SCREWED!
ME: Oh Lord in heaven save us!
Suddenly Vincent and Barret came down stairs.
VINCENT: Freeze Pee Wee!
BARRET: Or weíll blow youíre head off!
PEE WEE: ( turning around with the others) AH HA AHHHHH!
FOLLOWER 1: AH HA AHHHHHHH!
FOLLOWER 2: AH HA AHHHHHHH!
VINCENT: FIRE!
Barret and Vincent fire their guns at the three some. Everyone does their victory dance.

After Pee Wee Herman and friends were dead, we started back to our rooms.
DICRAPIO: There be might some children to molest at the hotel!
The Gold Saucer started to shake
RUBY WEAPON: Pickle D**K! ( ripping a hole in the roof)
DICRAPIO: AHHHHHH! ( running towards the station)
AERIS: Whatís that rumbling noise?
CID: Probably one of Terranceís farts.
We all ran to the station
CID: Itís DiCrapio!
ME: Look! Itís the Ruby WEAPON!
RUBY: Pickle D**k! ( fires two ruby missiles at DiCrapio)
DICRAPIO: AHHHH!
DiCrapio jumps in the Wonder Square tunnel. One missile hits right by the tunnel But the other on follows him in. He emerges in Wonder Square and a split second later the missile hits on the side of the tunnel, blowing DiCrapio across the room.
DICRAPIO: $%#@! That hurt (children passed by) Come here little children!
CHILDREN: AHHHHHH!
RUBY: (ripping a hole in the roof) Pickle Dick!

Ruby WEAPON fires two more missiles. They crash right threw the walkway and almost hit DiCrapio. The blast again throws him across the room.
DICRAPIO: S**t!
RUBY: Pickle D**k!
DiCrapio jumps in the Chocobo Racing tunnel.
JOE: Okay Teioh were gonna win this race for daddy ok?
TEIOH: WARRRRRRRK! (kicks Joe in the balls)
JOE: Damn chocobo!
DICRAPIO: HELP ME!
JOE: Yow man! Whatís wrong?
DICRAPIO: HIM!
JOE: (looks up at Ruby WEAPON) Oh my God!
Ruby WEAPON fires his Ruby Ray at Joe and Teioh.
JOE: AHHHHHHHHHH!
TEIOH: WARRRRRRRRRK!

Joe and Teioh are fried by the ray. DiCrapio jumps in the Event Square tunnel.
GUY AT ENTRANCE: Iím sorry sir. You canít go in here. There is a concert in progress.
DICRAPIO: Hereís my gold! (shows him a Gold VISA card)
Garth Brooks comes up and asks what the problem is.
BROOKS: Whatís the problem here?
GUY AT ENTRANCE: He is sir!
BROOKS: DiCrapio!
DICRPIO: I have a problem!
BROOKS: I can fix that! (hits DiCrapio over the face with his guitar)
Ruby WEAPON smashes the roof
RUBY: Pickle D**k!
DICRAPIO: AHHHHH! (Ruby fires two missiles)
BROOKS: Iím out of here!
Ruby WEAPONís missiles hit DiCrapio, blowing him to a million pieces.
AUDIENCE: YEAHHHHH! (starts clapping)
CID: Hey look! Itís DiCrapioís head!
YUFFIE: What should we do with it?
BARRET: I have an idea.
They head down to Corel Prison.
BARRET: Hereís a new soccer ball!
ROBBER: Thanks man!
The robber and his friends started to play soccer with DiCrapioís head.

After DiCrapioís death, we had a celebration in Wonder Square. Chef of South Park came in and sang us a victory song.
CHEF: Iím gonna make love to ya women. I gonna let you down by the fire!
ME: So Mr. Willis, what are you gonna do now?
WILLIS: Go back to Hollywood, make more movies, that kind of thing.

At Junon Airport:
WILLIS: Thanks guys!
AERIS: Weíll miss you!
CAIT SITH: Come back and visit us!
WILLIS: You can bet on it!
Everyone waves bye to Bruce Willis, as the plane is about to take off.
PILOT: Flight 443 to Los Angeles now departing.
Bruce Willis looks in his pocket and figures out he is missing something.
WILLIS: OH NO! MY WALLET! (looks out the plane and sees Yuffie with his wallet in her hand)
WILLIS: YUFFIE!
YUFFIE: Bye! Bye!
The plane takes off with Bruce Willis cussing Yuffie out. The rest of the team heads for the Temple of the Ancients.

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