The Nightmare at Gold Saucer II: Ash Catchem Strikes Back!

By: Dave (Cloud)

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Some actors in this fanfic I pick on I don't hate. The fact is that they just fit in good with the part their in. Also the fact that this is my own OPINION! Everybody has their opinios about different people and actors.

The story so far:
After returning from 20th century Earth and nuking the Poke'mon, AVALANCHE and their newest member, Joe, go to the Gold Saucer again for another vacation. Now the story.

Cloud and the rest of the gang once again spend the night in Corel.
Cloud: Let's get some rest.
Cid: (secretly slips the remote from the table) Okay I'm pooped.
Aeris: (grabs the remote from Cid) And NO Dukes of Hazzards tonight!
Cid: Why not?
Aeris: We all want one night of peace, quiet, and no Dukes of Hazzards! Right everyone?
Everyone: Yeah!
Cid: You all are no fun!
Tifa: (cuddles up to Cloud) Hey you wanna go at it tonight?
Cloud: Hell ya!
Aeris: (pushes Tifa off the bed and gets in with Cloud) It's my turn!
Tifa: (gets up and attacks Aeris) F**k off you b***h!
Aeris: Ten cent slut!
Tifa: Flower pussy!
Red XIII: Flower pussy? That doesn't make sense.
Cid: Hey! We all want a night without you two hoes fighting! Right everyone?
Everyone: Yeah
Barret, Cloud and Joe: No! Fight! Fight! FIGHT!
Tifa: (looks over at Cid) What did you call us?
Cid: Uhhhhh....... nothing! Nothing at all!
Aeris: C'mon Tifa! Lets teach this Duke lover a lesson!
Tifa: Okay! (takes scissors) We're gonna chop off your wee-wee!
Cid: No! Not my wee-wee!
Red XIII: Hahahahahahah! Aeris and Tifa are gonna chop off Cid's wee-wee!
Barret: Serves that f**kin' monkey right!
Cid: Shut the f**k up you f**kin' d**k! I'll chop off YOUR wee-wee!
Barret: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Don't do that! Marlene's gonna need it someday!
Cait Sith: Child molester! Child molester!
Cloud: Oh brother.... can't I get any peace?
Vincent: Going to the Gold Saucer should relieve some stress!
Cloud: Yeah and pigs fly!
(Suddenly three pigs fly by)
Cloud: Dammit!
In the middle of the night, Cait Sith and Vincent are AGAIN woken up by noises.
Cait Sith: Damn! Not again!
Vincent: Tifa and Cloud must like waking us up huh?
Cait Sith: No that's not it you stupid Yuffie lover! It's the Oscar Meyer Weiner lover! The sexual noises that Tifa makes kick ass!
Vincent: Yeah your right! It's probably Red again huh? And I'm not a Yuffie lover you poopy head!
Red XIII: I heard that!
Cait and Vincent: Hahahahahahahahahaha!
Aeris: (singing) I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner!
Cait Sith: God I wish she would shut up with that song!
Cait's friend: Tequila man! (pops out of no where)
Vincent: Go away you stupid poopy head!
Cait Sith: Stop saying "poopy head" you d**k monkey!
Vincent: Poopy head!
Cait Sith: Tiolet water drinker!
Vincent: Poopy head!
Cait's freind: Tequila man! (smashes Vincent over the head with tequila bottle)
Vincent: Poopy... head. (gets knocked out)
Cait Sith: Hey freind, come here. Aeris wants to have sexual pleasure with you!
Cait's freind: Tequila Tequila! (runs in Aeris's room and jumps on her bed)
Aeris: I wish I was an... AHHHHHH! Get off me you stupid weirdo!
Cait's friend: Tequila man!
Cloud: (walks in the room) What's going on in here?
Barret: (walks in behind him) Hahahahahaha! Aeris and Cait's friend are getting it on!
Cid: (comes in after that with Dukes of Hazzard pajamas on) Popcorn friends?
Cloud and Barret: Yeah thanks!
Joe: (walks in with a camcorder) I'm gettin' this on tape!
Red XIII: Yeah! Let's send it to America's most sick videos!
Cait Sith: For once, Red, you thought of a great idea!
Cid: Joe try to get only Aeris!
Joe: No problem!
Aeris: (notices everyone watching and laughing at her) I'm gonna get you guys!

(in the morning)
Cloud: Okay, lets go to the Gold Saucer.
Cait's friend: (has a BIG smile on his face) Tequila man!
Cid: (walks up to Aeris) Hahahahaha! You got layed by Cait's friend!
Aeris: Shut up! (kicks Cid in the balls)
(the team hears someone singing)
Red XIII: AHHHH! My ears are gonna explode!
Yuffie: We're gonna die!
Red XIII: Shut up you stupid b***h!
Vincent: Shut up poopy head!
Cait Sith: Stop saying that you f**k @$$! (slams megaphone over his head)
Vincent: Owwww! OK?
Tifa: Where in the hell is that horrible singing coming from?
Cloud: Over there! (points to Kate Winslit)
Kate Winslit: I'm a Celine Dieon wanna-be!
Cid: Wanna get it on baby?
Kate: Okay!
Cloud: No Cid! She'll poison you!
Cid: F**k off Cloud!
Cait Sith: Turn around everybody! It's gonna get ugly!
(Cid and Kate do it for about three hours while everyone around turned away and closed their ears)
Cid: I got laid! I got laid!
Kate: Here's my phone number. (hands him a piece of paper and blows him a kiss)
Aeris: Okay can we go now?
Barret: Did I ever tell you the time Corel was burned down? The Shinra...
Red XIII: You told us already!
Vincent: (still with megaphone on his head) I gotta go poopy!
Yuffie: Let me join you! (both head for the bathroom)
Cloud: Hurry and get on before they come back!

The team gets on the Ropeway without Yuffie and Vincent. When they reach the Gold Saucer they see an old friend of theirs.

Cid: That ride sucked!
Red XIII: Yeah! Cait's friend puked all over me and I had to maul him!
Joe: Yeah then you broke his tequila bottles and it spilled all over us!
Aeris: Hey look!
Cid: Who that chick coming toward us?
Cloud: (looks at the passing girl) Not a bad view!
Aeris: No you stupid perverts! It's Bruce Willis!
Tifa: He came back!
Bruce Willis: If you don't take my money this time I'm gonna shove this gun up your @$$ and twist it!
Ticket guy: Sorry Mr. Willis. We only except gil. Oh and I'm gonna need to see some ID.
Willis: F**k you! (shoots ticket guy dead)
Cloud: Hey Bruce what's up?
Willis: Cloud! Everybody! Hey guys it's great to see you all again!
Cait's friend: Tequila man!
Willis: But I'm not glad to see him! Hey where's Yuffie and Vincent?
Yuffie: (coming out of the Ropeway while zipping her pants up) You guys left us!
Vincent: You guys are all poopy heads!
Cait Sith: Shut the f**k up you stupid piece of f**kin' s**t!
Vincent: (tranforms into Chaos) Poopy head!
Cait Sith: Mr. Emotion-less that has gay limit breaks!
Vincent: Poopy head! (Does Satan Slam but hits Cait's friend instead)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I think Vincent's Limit Breaks are kick ass but calling them gay makes it funny.
Cait's friend: Tequila man! (throws tequila bottle at Vincent but hits Barret instead)
Barret: You stupid little f**k! You're gonna wish you had never done that foo'! (starts firing his Missing Score everywhere but doesn't hit Cait's friend)
Cloud: Would you guys cut it out!
Cait, Vincent, Barret and Cait's freind: Sorry...
Joe: Hey Mr. Willis. I've seen all the Die Hards, Mercury Rising and Armageddon. You were great in them.
Willis: Thanks I think.
(Bruce Willis joins the party again)

As AVALANCHE and Bruce Willis walk inside they meet more stupid people.

Cathy Lee Gifford: (drunk and horny and running around everywhere and singing) I pee my pants! I pee the bed! I pee everywhere! I go downtown and pee in the sewers and I laugh! I pee all over people's cars!
Aeris: (holding her ears) Make her stop! Make her stop!
Cid: Hey Cathy Lee! You're my sexual fantasy!
Everyone: Shut up, Cid!
Cathy Lee: Really? Do you wanna... uh...pee the bed with me?
Cid: Yeah why not?
Cait Sith: Someone's a little horny I think!
Cait's friend: (walks up to Aeris) Tequila man?
Aeris: Get away from me you f**kin' f**k! (smashes a tequila bottle over his head)
Sephiroth: (jumps from the sky and stabs Cathy Lee Gifford through the heart) I gonna rule the world!
Everyone: SEPHIROTH?
Hojo: And don't forget me!
Everyone: HOMO?
Hojo: I'm not a homo!
Cloud: That's a matter of an opinion.
Hojo: Shut up miserable failure!
Cloud: Go f**k Barney or something, HOMO!
Hojo: F**king Barney is not in my nature!
Cloud: That's also a matter of opinion!
Hojo: Your a loud mouth for a failure!
Sephiroth: (stabs Hojo) I killed daddy! I killed daddy!
Everyone: Praise the Lord!
Cid: Cathy Lee your dead! It's not fair!
Red XIII: Get over it Cid! She sucked @$$ and so does her show!
Cid: Shut up you pansy! She was my sexual fantasy!
Sephiroth: I'm sorry, really I am! I just wanted to make a dramatic entrance!
Willis: Hey s**t happens!
Sephiroth: Hey weren't you in that movie Armageddon?
Willis: Yeah.
Sephiroth: How did you shoot that bullet that deflected and hit that one guy in the leg?
Willis: Easy, you just aim for something that it can deflect off of like the side of that tunnel and fire. (Willis aims for the side of the Wonder Square tunnel and fires. It deflects off and hits someone very familiar)
Ben Affleck: Ahhh! S**t my leg!
Liv Tyler: (apperas out of nowhere runs up to Affleck) You shot him!
Willis: It was just a deflected bullet!
Affleck: Yeah it's all funny until someone gets shot in the leg!
Barret: Stop yer whinin' you wuss! I've been shot in the @$$ and have had a spear shoved up there several times and I didn't cry like a baby!
Cid: Yeah you did! You jumped around for five hours once because I shoved my spear up your @$$!
Barret: Up yours Mr. Dukes of Hazzard tea drinkin' screwing Kate Winslit and almost screwed Cathy Lee Gifford hippie!
Cid: F**k you, you f**king @$$hole! (chases Barret around)
Willis: Sorry Ben no hard feelings. I was just trying to show him how to get a bullet to deflect. (points to Sephiroth)
Sephiroth: Hey I was curious okay?
Liv: You almost had my baby killed! (kicks Sephiroth in the nuts)
Affleck: It's okay. C'mon Liv, I have to stop a meteor the size of Texas from falling on the earth!
Liv: Okay honey!
Cid: (thinking to himself) Lucky b*****d!!!!!
(suddenly, Palmer smasehs through the roof)
Palmer: Hello! I'm a meteor the size of Texas!
Affleck: Oh poopy, too late. Well anyway see you all later! (exits the Gold Saucer)
Cid: (walks up to Tifa) Can you fix me some tea and Cheerios?
Palmer: And don't forget the lard!
Tifa: Shut up you fat f**k and NO! I will NOT fix you tea or Cheerios!
Palmer: Don't say fat!
Cid: Dammit!!!!
(suddenly the Turks come out of Battle Square)
Elena: Reno got his @$$ kicked the first round everytime! Me, I won three whole rounds!
Reno: Shut up Elena! The only reason you won is because you showed the monsters those flat, deformed breasts of yours!
Elena: You know what Reno?
Reno: What?
Elena: THIS! (kicks Reno in the nuts)
Tifa: Turks!? What are you @$$holes doing here?
Elena: You guys? I guess it was fate that brought us together! Prepare to die!
Joe: (turns to Cloud) Who are these @$$holes?
Cloud: They're the Turks. They're a former organization of Shinra that are a bunch of pussies!
Rude: I'm affended!
Red XIII: Shut up Rude! You guys are pussies and you know it!
Reno: Shut... up... you ......... @$$......hloes.
Sephiroth: Shut up Reno! (kicks him in the nuts; Reno passes out)
Rufus: (comes out of Ghost Square with Kate Winslit) You were good baby!
Kate: I know!
Cid: You jack@$$! That's my babe!
Rufus: Who says?
Cid: I say you mother f**kin' piece of crap!
Rufus: Whatta you gonna do about it?
Cid: Kick your f**kin' @$$!
Rufus: You and whose army?
Cid: My spear's army that's who! ( throws all his spears and stabs Rufus in the arm)
Rufus: You b*****d! (chases Cid into Chocobo Square)
Cait Sith: ...........Okay, that was pretty f**ked up!
Red XIII: You said it!
Kate: (approaches Cloud) You wanna go?
Cloud: F**k no!
Tifa: Hey! Leave my Cloud alone!
Aeris: YOUR Cloud?
Tifa: YEAH! My Cloud!
(Kate Winslit, Tifa, and Aeris get into a fight)
Tifa: (punches Kate in the face) You f**kin' hoe!
Kate: Hey be nice!
Tifa: That does it! (beats the living crap out of her with Premium Heart)
Aeris: I'll help! (stabs Kate Winslit through the eye with her Princess Guard)
Tifa: (rips off Kate's head) You're dead!
Everyone: Yeah! Kate Winslit is dead! The slut is dead!
Cait Sith, Cloud, Red XIII, and Sephiroth: (singing to the tune "Joy to the World") Joy to the World! Kate Winslut's dead! We'll play soccer with her head! Don't worry about the body! She wasn't even a hotty and we'll burn it with a torch! We'll burn it with a torch! We'll buuuuurrrrrrnrnnnn it with a torch! (songs done)
Willis: That's the spirit!
Rude: Uh oh! They might do that to us!
Elena: Let's get out of here!
Sephiroth: That's it! Run like the wussies you guys are!
Reno: (flicks him off)
Sephiroth: Hey! No one flicks me off and gets away with it! (throws Masamune and it impales Reno on the wall)
Reno: Oh poopy! (dies)

Meanwhile, Rufus is chasing Cid through the Chocobo Square.

Rufus: Get back here you son of a b***h!
Cid: F**k you, you suck @$$ pansy!
Rufus: I'm not a pansy! I'm just a pretty boy!
Cid: Yeah, pretty f**ked up and sucky!
Rufus: (fires his Shotgun and it hits a chocobo)
Cid: Hahahahahaha! Your aim is almosy as bad as your leadership!
Rufus: No one insults my leadership and gets away with it! (fires another shot and it hits some fat guy)
Cid: (runs up to Joe the chocobo jockey) Hey d**k head! I need to borrow your f**king chocobo!
Joe the chocobo jockey: No way man! My chocobo thinks you smell like s**t!
Cid: Only gay @$$ sucky chocobos think I smell like s**t!
Joe the chocobo jockey: Hey be nice!
Rufus: Die you poopy head! (fires his shotgun and it hits Joe the jockey and kills him)
Cid: (climbs on Teioh) Respect my authority! (rams Rufus in the nuts)
Rufus: (passes out) Oh my nuts!
Cid: I'll take this. (picks up Rufus's shotgun)
Teioh: Warrrrrkkk! (kicks Cid in the stomach)
Cid: Damn chocobo! (shoots Teioh and kills him)

Back to Cloud and the others.

Vincent: (kicks Kate Winslit's carcas) You suck poopy head!
Barret: Why are you calling a carcas poopy head?
Vincent: Cause' I wanna!
Willis: Hey guys lets go to Event Square and throw tomatoes at the s**tty actors!
Cloud: Okay, three people come with me and the rest do what you want!
Cait Sith: I'm going with Cloud!
Sephiroth: I'm definitly going too!
Tifa: So am I!
Aeris: No I'm going with Cloud!
Tifa: The f**k you are!
Aeris: Yeah!
Cloud: I'll make the final call. Tifa, come with me
Aeris: WHAT!
Tifa: (sticks her tongue out at Aeris) Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Aeris: Urrrggghhh! One day Tifa, I'm gonna get Cloud back!
Red XIII: Oh great I'm stuck with poopy pants and barf brain.
Vincent: So Yuffie where do you wanna go?
Yuffie: Mmmmmmm... let me think here.... uhhhhhh..... how about Wonder Square.
Vincent: Sounds good to me. Come on Aeris and Red.
Aeris: If you don't mind we'll go our own way.
Yuffie: Suit yourself. Come on Vinny!
Vincent: Yes baby I will! (grabs onto Yuffie's tits)
Yuffie: Oh Vinny!
Vincent: Yeah baby!
Red XIII: Those two make me sick!
Aeris: Where do you wanna go Red?
Red XIII: The roller coaster.
Aeris: Okay lets go!
Cait's friend: Tequila man!
Aeris: Oh no!
Joe: Where did everyone go?
Aeris: Joe come with us!
Red XIII: No wait! Cait's friend come with us!
Red XIII: (whispers in Aeris's ear) We'll push him out of the roller coaster!
Aeris: Oh ok! Cait's friend come with us!
Cait's friend: Tequila man!
Joe: If you guys don't mind I'm gonna wonder around by myself.
Red XIII: Okay, see you later!
Joe: Bye.
Barret: Hey Joe wait up!

Red, Aeris, and Cait's friend enter the Speed Square while Joe and Barret enter the Ghost Square. Meanwhile at Event Square.

Cait Sith: I heard this play sucked @$$!
Willis: Good then we can throw tomatoes at everyone!
Cloud: (sees Sephiroth come) Did you get the rotten tomatoes?
Sephiroth: Yeah right here. There's enough here for each of us to get three.
Cait Sith: Kick @$$!
(Sephiroth passes out the tomatoes to each person. The play starts)
Narrator: It was a dark and dreary night... (gets cut off)
Cait Sith: You suck @$$!
Cloud: The play hasn't started yet!
Cait Sith: Oh, sorry.
Narrator: You better be! Anyway it was a dark and dreary night. The lone basketball star sat in his room crying because he didn't get picked by the team. In fact he was rejected by every team. Introducing........... Dennis Rodman!
Cait, ,Tifa, Cloud, Willis, and Sephiroth: AHAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Rodman: Hi everybody! I skip practice and I screwed Madonna and....
Cloud: You suck! Get the hell off stage!
The whole crowd: Yeah get off you faggit!
Rodman: You wanna mess with me spikey boy?
Cait Sith: Go back to Freak town where you belong you colored hair b*****d!
(the crowd goes wild)
Rodman: I don't take that crap from a cat!
The crowd: (cheers really loud) Get off the stage!
Sephiroth: You say anymore crap like that and I'll shove my Masamune up your sorry @$$ sideways!
Rodman: I pity the fool who threatens to shove big swords up my @$$!
Tifa: Leave my friends alone you sorry excuse for a actor!
Rodman: Sit down plastic women!
Fat guy in crowd: Stop picking on women you pussy!
Rodman: F**k you! (goes down and kicks the fat guy's @$$)
Cloud: No one says that about my honey and gets away with it! Throw your tomatoes!
(Cloud, Cait Sith, Sephiroth, Willis, and Tifa throw their tomatoes, all hitting Rodman!)
Rodman: I'm gonna get you, you little d**ks!
Cait Sith: RUN! He's after us!
(Rodman chases the five back to the station)
Willis: You four distract him! I'm gonna shoot him! (Willis duck down)
Cloud: No problem!
Rodman: (emerging from the tunnel) You can't escape me!
Tifa: Okay we admit defeat!
Sephiroth: Just don't molest us!
Cait Sith: That's Micheal Jackson you dumb s**t!
Sephiroth: Oh yeah I forgot!
Rodman: Perpare to be crushed!
Willis: Go f**k yourself you worthless piece of s**t! (shoots Rodman in the leg)
Rodman: Owww! Ok?
Sephiroth: My turn! (smacks Rodman with the blunt side of his Masamune)
Cait Sith: Die you worthless excuse for a basketball player! (slams HP Shout on his head)
Cloud: Your turn Tifa.
Rodman: Ack! You.... f**kers... are..... gonna...... pay!
Willis: Finish him off, Cloud!
Cloud: OMNISLASH! (slashes Rodman into pieces)
Cait Sith: Yeah! Now basketball won't suck anymore!
Tifa: Take this! (pees on his carcas. Looks toward the guys) No peeking!
Cloud, Willis, Sephiroth, and Cait Sith: Whoa!
Willis: Not a bad veiw!
Sephiroth: Damn right!
Tifa: I said No peeking!
The guys: Sorry Tifa.
Cait Sith: Rodman's dead! Let's cut off his head!
Rodman's ghost: Wanna bet?
Tifa: AHHHH! His ghost!
Rodman's ghost: I told you I can't be defeated. I am IMMORTAL! HAHAHAHAHA!
Cloud: Shut up! (throws an Elixir at him)
Rodman's ghost: Oh poopy! I'm dead!
Sephiroth: That'll teach him not to mess with us, act and play basketball EVER again!
Everyone: (nods in agreement)

At Speed Square...

Ticket lady: That'll be 10 GP.
Red XIII: Okay. (hands over 10 GP)
Ticket lady: I'm sorry but we don't allow dogs on this ride!
Red XIII: F**k off lady! I'm not a dog!
Ticket lady: Then what are you?
Cait's friend: He's a tequila man!
Red XIII: You @$$ monkey! I'm gonna rip your sorry @$$ to shreds! (starts to chase Cait's friend)
Aeris: I'm sorry you'll have to excuse my friends. They're a little.....tense right now, but if you could please let Red on we can drop this whole matter.
Ticket lady: (concentrating on Aeris's tits) Who's Red?
Aeris: THE DOG!!!!!!
Ticket lady: Oh I'm sorry I was...... distracted. I'll allow it on one condition.
Aeris: What?
Ticket lady: (rips her shirt open) Suck 'em baby! Suck 'em hard!
Aeris: You gay @$$ lesbo!!!!!!!!!
Ticket lady: Come one baby. I know you want to. Go ahead, suck 'em! (Ticket lady licks Aeris's ear)
Aeris: Get away from me you f**king queer!
Red XIII: (looks over at the Ticket lady) Hello!!!!!!!!!
Cait's friend: Tequila man!
Red XIII: You said it!!!!!!!! (Red starts to howl)
Ticket lady: I'll suck yours if you suck mine! (rips Aeris's dress open)
Aeris: F**k no!!!!!!!!! You go to hell! You go to hell and you die! (pushes Ticket lady onto the track just as a roller coaster came. It ran over her)
Ticket lady: Oh poopy!
Red XIII: Dammit Aeris! You ruined a perfectly good site for us!
Cait's friend: Tequila man!
Aeris: You both are perverted little b*****ds just like Cloud and Cid!
Red XIII: And were proud of it!

At Wonder Square....

Yuffie: Oh Vinny!
Vincent: Yeah baby!
Kid 1: Hey quit hoggin' the snowboarding game! I wanna get on too!
Kid 2: Yeah man! We wanna have a turn!
Vincent: Come on, Yuff, let's get outta the way so these kids can play.
Yuffie: Okay Vinny!
(they get off the snowboarding game and onto the floor)
Kid 1: Hey I said hurry up dammit!
Vincent: We got off the game so we're not in your way so beat it before I shread your poopy head to pieces!
Kid 2: We don't wanna play the stupid snowboarding game! We wanna do the chick!
Vincent: You WHAT!
Kid 1: We wanna do the chick also so get off and let us "play"
Vincent: That's it! You poopy heads are dead! (transforms into Chaos)
Kid 1: Let's get outta here!
Vincent: HAHAHAHA! Not so fast you little poopy head punks! I am CHAOS! I'm gonna rip your sorry poopy heads off and toss them around like a basketball!
Kid 1: Mommy help!
Kid 2: Yeah mommy help!
Vincent: HAhahahahah! You're mommy can't do anything about it! I am CHAOS!
Mommy 1: Let go of my kid you freak! (ready to swing her purse at Vincent)
Mommy 2: Same here! Let my baby go or else!
Vincent: Or else what?
Mommy 1: Or else THIS! (swings her purse hitting Vincent in the head)
Vincent: Owww! That hurt! (drops the kids)
Mommy 2: F**k off my kid! (smacks him over the head with her purse)
Vincent: I'm not queer lady!
Mommy 1 and 2: DIE! (both beating Vincent with their purses)
Vincent: Oww! Oh s**t that hurt! (ladies chasing Vincent around Wonder Square, smacking him with their purses)
Kid 1: (walks up to Yuffie) Hey baby! You wanna finish what that demon guy started?
Yuffie: I'd rather screw Barney then you little b*****ds!
Barney: (pops out of no where) Really? I love you! You love me!
Yuffie: No I don't!
Barney: Yeah you do! You just said so!
Yuffie: I said....... It doesn't matter what I said you stupid purple f**k!
Barney: I pity the fool who talks smack to Barney.
Yuffie: Shut up! (kicks Barney in the nuts)
Barney: Owww! My nuts!
Yuffie: (running out of Wonder Square) Someone help me! There's a purple dinosaur trying to molest me!!!!
Barney: I love you! You love me!
Yuffie: Goddammit! Leave me alone you g*****n f**k!
Barney: I pity the fool who talks smack to Barney.
Yuffie: You already said that you piece of mother f**kin' crap! (runs to the station and into Chocobo Square)
Barney: Wait for me! I'm happy for you.
Yuffie: GROSS-NESS! This guy's worse than that perverted fat @$$ Don Corneo!
Barney: I'll give you ice cream with a cherry on top!
Palmer: And don't forget the lard!
Yuffie: Shut up fat monkey!
Palmer: Don't say fat!
Yuffie: (pushes Palmer down the stairs) Someone help me!!!!!!!!
Cid: (hears Yuffie's scream) What the f**k?
Yuffie: (runs into a dead end) Great! Now what? Vinny has my Conformer!
Barney: There's no where to run so come to my house and....... PLAY!
Yuffie: GROSS-NESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Just as Barney was about to get Yuffie, Cid came to the rescue)
Cid: Back off the materia whore you damn f**kin' purple dinosaur!
Barney: I pity the fool who talks smack about Barney!
Cid: Shut your g*****n hole! (shoots Barney with Rufus's shotgun)
Barney: (starts crying)
Cid: (singing while shooting Barney) I hate you! (shoots him) You hate me! (shoots him again) I shot Barney happliy (shoots him again) with Rufus's shotgun Barney fell to the floor! (shoots him again) No (shoots him again) more (shoots him again) purple (shoots him again) DINOSAUR!!!!!! (shoots him five more times. Song's done)
Yuffie: You saved me Cid!!!!!!!!!!
Cid: Don't get your f**kin' hopes up! I was almost tempted to shoot you also but Cloud wouldn't like that so I didn't.
Vincent: (Stumbles to the Chocobo area) I'm...... back......
Cid: What the hell happened to you?
Vincent: I got attacked by an angry mob of mothers! They kept beating the crap out of me with their purses!
Cid: Hahahahahahahahaha! You got beaten up by a bunch of women!
Vincent: Hey! Don't laugh at a women's power, especially when they're armed with purses!
Yuffie: Yeah! Like this! (kicks Cid in the nuts)
Cid: You... little....b****h!
Vincent and Yuffie: Hahahahahahahahaha!

At the hotel

Barret: Man I'm pooped!
Joe: Same here! Let's go check in the hotel.
Barret: Hey what did you do with that tape of Aeris and Cait's friend doing it?
Joe: I sent it in to America's most sick videos!!!
Barret and Joe: (both laugh)
(As they walked toward it a spooky creature poped out at them)
Jason: (jumps out of a bush with a weed wacker) Hahahahahahahahaha!
Barret: Dammit Vincent, stop pretending to be scary you suck @$$ wussy!
Vincent: (voice echoing through the wind) It's not me!!!
Jason: Hahahahahahaahahahah!!!!!!!! (turns on weed wacker and walks toward Barret and Joe)
Joe: I think it's the real Jason, Barret!!!!!
Barret: I don't give a fudge who he is!!!!! I'm gonna rip his head off!
Jason: Hahahahahahaha!
Barret: Stop actin' like a scary monster you pussy! (smacks Jason and he falls to the ground)
Jason: Owww! My head!
Joe: He talked!!!!!
Barret: (takes off the mask) Richard Simmons?!!!!
Simmons: Hey I'm Richard Simmons! (looks at Barret) I see someone here who needs to lose weight!
Barret: Stay the f**k away from me!
Joe: Run toward the hotel Barret!!!!!!!!!!!!
Simmons: That's right! Running is good exercise for you!
Joe: Run Barret! Run!
(they enter the hotel and see another familiar face)
Mr. Hangman: I'm sorry Mr. Bond. We only except GP!
Bond: I have gold though! (hands him the Golden Gun)
Mr. Hangman: That doesn't cut it, bucko! GP and GP only!
Bond: Fine! Be a sorry selfish d**k! (shoots Mr. Hangman with the Golden Gun)
Mr. Hangman: Ack!
Zombie at entrance: Uhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaa!
Bond: Shut up!!!! (shoots zombie with the Golden Gun)
Zombie: Acccccccckkkkkkkkkkk!!!
Barret: (walks up to Bond) Dude that kicked all @$$!
Joe: I'm Joe Nagah.
Barret: Barret Wallace's the name! Shooting sucky people's my game!
Bond: The name's Bond. James Bond.
Barret: So Bond where are you from?
Bond: I work for the British government. I'm here to scope out a guy named Ash Catchem.
Barret: Whatta gay name!
Joe: Barret we should get back to the others.
Barret: Your right Joe. Let's go!
Bond: I'll come with you. We might run to Catchem so be prepared!
Joe: What's so dangerous about him?
Bond: He's been known to have the worst smelling farts on Earth!
Barret: Probably not as smelly as Red's. You can smell 'em from three miles away!
Bond: This guy's you can smell for over 100 miles away.
Joe: Holy Chicago!
(Barret, Joe and Bond head for the exit when Richard Simmons starts chasing them)
Simmons: You need to get in shape! Work those mucsles! Fell the burn!
Barret: Fell the pain! (punches Simmons and he tumbles down a hill)
Joe: Jerk off! (hears footsteps) What the hell.... Barret look!
Barret: What the hell is this all about? (sees four guards come up to them)
Bond: I'll take care of them! (pulls out Golden Gun but one of the guards knocks it from his hands)
Bond: That didn't work to well
(Barret, Bond and Joe are taken to Event Square)

Back to Cloud and the others...

Cait Sith: We beat the crap out of Rodman!
Cloud: We rule!
Sephiroth: Damn right we do!!!!!
(Bruce Willis hears a noise)
Willis: Wait! Did you hear that?
Tifa: What?
Willis: That.... that.... laughter. NO! It can't be!!
(Their worst nightmare poped out of the Ghost Square)
Pee Wee Herman: Hi boys and girls! Ah ha ha hahahahah!
Cait Sith: It's Pee Wee Herman!
Cloud: The masterbater's back!!!!!!
Willis: RUN! Run like you've never run before!!!!
Pee Wee: I shall get my revenge boys and girls! AH ha ha hahahaahaha!
Tifa: This sucks @$$!!!
Sephiroth: You said it! (looks back) F**k!!!! He's gaining!!
Cait Sith: I hope you ment he's gaining weight!
Sephiroth: No the other way around!
Cait Sith: I was afraid of that!!!!
(the five kept running)
Cloud: In here! (jumps back down to Event Square)
Willis: Run up to the stage!
(the five run up to the stage, only to find their biggest surprise yet)
Ash Catchem: Hello freinds!!!! Welcome to my world of nightmares!!!!!!
Sephiroth: Who the f**k are you?
Ash: I'm the one and only.... Ash Catchem!!!! Mwha hahahahahah!!!
Cloud, Tifa, Willis, Cait Sith, and Sephiroth: WHO?!!!
Ash: Ash Catchem!
(the five heroes looked at each other with puzzled looks)
Ash: I'm the REAL leader of the creatures you nuked a while back.... the POKE'MON!!!!
Sephiroth: Oh great! Not those gay creatures again!
Pee Wee: (walks up to Ash) Ah ha hahahahhaha!
Ash: Shut up! (shoots Pee Wee and dies)
Cait Sith: YEAH!!! Pee Wee's dead! We'll cut off his head!
Cloud: Wait! I thought DiCrapio was their leader!
Ash: He was their TEMPORARLY leader! I was on a business trip and left him in charge.
Cait Sith: (sarcastically) What was the trip? Delivering crack to President Rufus?
Ash: How the hell did you know?!
Cait Sith: Lucky guess, I guess.
Ash: You're other freinds should arrive anytime now! Mwa hahahahahahah!
Tifa: What a gay @$$ laugh!
Ash: I pity the fool who makes fun of my laugh!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Would all of you guys stop saying the "I pity the fool" lines? They've been used too many times this fanfic already!
Ash: Damn Barney!!!!!

At Speed Square

Red XIII: This roller coaster kicks @$$ huh Aeris?
Aeris: It sure does Red!
Red XIII: Yeah! I blew up the big gay Barney balloon! That's 2000 extra points for us!
Aeris: We might have enough to get my Umbrella!!!
Red XIII: What kind of a gay ass weapon is an umbrella used for?
Aeris: I dunno. It was Square's fault so why don't ask them.
Red XIII: No thanks! Last time I did that I got my @$$ zapped with tasers and was chased clear to Madagascar!
Aeris: S**t man that MUST have been a hell of a trip!
Red XIII: It was actually pretty cool!
(suddenly another roller coaster car comes up behind the three and starts shooting at them)
Aeris: F**k Red someone is shooting at us!
Red XIII: I'm sorry for blowing the secret about the tasers and being chased to Madagascar!
Aeris: Red, I don't think it's Square's people.
Cait's friend: Tequila man!
Red XIII: Talk like a real person you f**kin' d**k! (bites Cait's freind)
(the lasers from the other car hit Aeris, Red and Cait's friend's car)
Red XIII: F**k!!!!!!!
Cait's friend: Tequila man!
Red XIII: THAT'S IT!!!! (throws Cait's friend off the roller coaster and dies)
Aeris: We're almost to the end of the track!
Red XIII: Thank God!
(the car stops and Red and Aeris jump out)
Red XIII: Let's make a run for.... (four guys in uniform stop them)
Aeris: Crap! We're caught!!!!

At Wonder Square

Yuffie: Sorry for kickin' ya' in the nuts! It was just funny though!
Cid: Your damn lucky I haven't shot you yet you whore!
Vincent: Don't call her a whore poopy head!
Cid: Stop saying poopy head you f**kin' d**k!
Vincent: Poopy head!
Cid: Mr. Has gay limit breaks!!!
Vincent: ...........................Poopy head!!!!!
Cid: You... (gets inturrupted by Rufus)
Rufus: I found you! Now can I have my gun back?
Cid: No.
Rufus: Please?
Cid: Say "pretty plaease with a cherry on top!"
Rufus: Pretty please with a cherry on top and chocolate syrup.
Yuffie: YUMMIE!!!
Cid: Well............ No! (shoots Rufus in the head)
Rufus: Ack!
Cid: Hahahahahahaha! Rufus is dead!
(suddenly they see four guards)
Cid: The f**k is this all about?!
Vincent: They're poopy heads!
Cid: For the last time shut up with that!
(The four guards grab them and take them to Event Square)

At Event Square, the whole team has been captured by Ash Catchem.

Ash: As you can see, my new robotic Poke'mon and I shall personally finish you all off!
Cloud: You expect to rule the world when you're using an army of weak little f**ks that a 2 year old can their @$$s!?
Ash: These aren't your normal Poke'mon. They're smarter and more aggressive. So aggressive they'll be able to take you all out!
Cait Sith: The best they'll be able to do is break someone's nail!
Ash: I pity the fool who talks smack about my Poke'mon army!
Barret: That's getting to be almost as annoying as Vincent saying poopy head all the time!
Vincent: Shut up! Poopy head!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: You f**kin' @$$ Ash! I already warned you not to use that line again!
Ash: What are you gonna do about it?
Red XIII: Ha ha! The author gonna kick Ash's sorry smelly gay @$$!!!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This! (I zap him with Bolt 3)
Cid: All right! That faggit's dead!
Ash: (gets up all fried) Oww! OK?
(whole team laughs at Ash)
Ash: Wahahhhhhhhh! Don't laugh at me! I want my mommy! (starts sucking his thumb)
Cloud: Hahahahahaha! Ash is a baby!
Ash: Wahhhhhhhhhh!
Cait Sith: I'm gonna kill you! (charges at Ash)
Cait Sith: (barely touches him) You're it!
Ash: Owwwww! That hurt! I'm going home!! (Ash runs home crying like a baby)
Bond: I guess I have to follow him. See you around. (waves by to the team)
Everyone: Bye Mr. Bond!!!!
Sephiroth: Hey Cloud, we still have to kick their sorry @$$s again!.
Cloud: No problem. Here we go! (Poke'mon theme kicks in)
Everyone: Gotta nuke'em all! Gotta nuke'em all! Gotta nuke'em all!
Tifa, Aeris, and Yuffie: POKE'MON!!
Sephiroth: (grabs robotic Pikachu) All right! This one's for the game! Kick the Pikachu!
Robotic Pikachu: Don't kick the Pikachu!
Sephiroth: KICK THE PIKACHU!!!! (kicks Pikachu and it blows up as it hits the ground)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The same moves are done on these Poke'mon as the original ones in FF7 on Poke'mon Island also written by me.

That night
The crew is watching TV.

TV: (Announcer) And now back to America's most sick videos.
Bob Sagget: Here's a tape that was sent to us by a guy named Joe.
Cait Sith: Why are we watching Bob FAGGIT!!!!
Barret: Cause' Joe has a surprise for us, foo'!!!!!
(they show the tape of Aeris and Cait's friend doing it)
Audience: Oh that's gross!
Fat guy in audience: That girl has sick taste!
Everyone except Aeris: (laughing their heads off)
Aeris: Joe how could you!
Bob Sagget: And the winner is...... Girl with sick taste sent in by Joe! Stand up sir!
Joe: I win! I win! Hahahahahahahah!
Aeris: I'm gonna get you back Joe!!!
(later at dinner)
Cait Sith: MMmmmm! That chicken pot pie looks mighty good Yuffie!
Yuffie: Stay away from it!
Cait Sith: (reaches for it)
Yuffie: No Kaitty it's my pot pie!
Cait Sith: (reaches for it again)
Yuffie: No Kaitty it's my pot pie!
Cait Sith: (reaches for it again)
Yuffie: No KAITTY IT'S MY POT PIE! BAD KAITTY! (farts on Cait Sith, setting him on fire)
Cait Sith: My @$$ is on fire! My @$$ is on fire!
Cid: Hold still ya' stupid cat! (gets the fire extingushier and shoots it but misses Cait and hits Joe and Red XIII)
Joe: Ah f**k my eyes!
Red XIII: My tail's been extinguished!
Cid: You f**kin' cat hold still! (shoots Cait with the extinguisher)
Cait Sith: F**k! That shit's COLD!
Vincent: Yuffie must have gotten an anal probe from the visitors.
Yuffie: I did not get an anal probe and there is no such thing as visitors!
(the visitors walk in)
Visitor 1: Wanna bet?
Yuffie: (faints in Vincent's arms)


Cloud: Beautiful night huh?
Tifa: Other then the rain, dark clouds, thunder and lightning I say yes it is.
Cloud: Kiss me baby!
(They kiss. A few seconds later a surprise comes)
Freddy Kruger: Ah ha! I know what's in your dreams Tifa!
Cloud: F**k off @$$hole! (does Omnislash on him)
Freddy Kruger: Oh poopy.... (dies)
Tifa: Good job Cloud!
Cloud: No problem Teef!

In the morning, Junon Airport

Willis: Well it's been fun guys! I guess I'll see you around!
Yuffie: Mr. Willis here's your wallet I stole from you last time! Willis: Thanks Yuffie! Well bye!
Pilot: Flight 434 to Los Angeles is now taking off.
(the plane takes off)
Barret: Wow Yuffie! You gave him his wallet back! That's a first!
Cait Sith: Yeah I think the visitors made you do that!
Yuffie: Don't make me fart fire on you again KAITTY! I didn't give his wallet back for nothing. (holds up his Hollywood ID card)
Cloud: You sly devil b***h!
Yuffie: And proud of it!
Cloud: You know what guys?
Everyone: What?
Cloud: Next time we take a vacation we're going to Jamacia!
(whole team laughs)

THE END.................for now...............

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I hope you all enjoyed Nightmare at the Gold Saucer II. Well that's it.

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