Ramza's Last Stand
Part 1: The Takeover
(Good news, we're not starting at the Hideout!)
The peasants: (Rejoice)
(We open in an open field where Dav and Vegeta are... fighting?)
Vegeta: Enough's enough, kid! I've had it!
Dav: It'll be enough to see you try!
Vegeta: YYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! (Powers up, makes the tips of his hair razor sharp, and charges)
Dav: Been using too much gel, eh? (Sidesteps and trips Vegeta with a foot-sweep)
Vegeta: GGGGRRRRRRR!!! (Gets up and unleashes a barrage of attacks)
Dav: (Blocks them all and counters with his own combo)
Vegeta: (Gets knocked up into the air)
Dav: Time to finish this! (Draws Atma Weapon, jumps up, and cuts Vegeta in half)
Dyne: It's not what you think, people.
(A "PERFECT" flashes onto the screen)
Vegeta: (Throws his controller down) Dammit!
Dav: (Puts his controller down) Ready to give up after 15 straight losses? Or do you want your (looks around) @$$ kicked again.
Ami's voice (echoing in the wind): I heard that!
Vegeta: Why did Ami have to make me so f**kin' weak in that game she programmed!
Red XIII: It's very simple. In any fighting game, the characters must all have equal opportunities to win.
Vincent: Too bad it's not that way on Ehrgeiz.
Vegeta: You stay out of this! Then why does the kid here seem to have the best stats?
Dav: (Grins to himself and says nothing)
Vegeta: If I still had the Dragon Balls, I'd change this thing!
Cloud: Don't be such a sore loser! Now let someone else play!
Vegeta: You may be able to defeat me in a game, but in real life you wouldn't stand a chance against me or any other Saiyan!
Aeris: (Holding Pants) Vegeta, you need to calm down. Go destroy a city or something.
Vegeta: Hmph! (Flies through the wall again)
Cloud: All right! (Grabs a controller) Who's up?
Cait Sith: (Comes downstairs) I've got the perfect match-up! (Picks up Dav's controller and chooses Barret)
Cloud: I get 'ya! (Chooses Cid)
Dav: Crank up the volume! I want the whole sector to hear this! (Heads upstairs and notices something) Holy junk! I never thought you guys would agree on something!
Barret: You're not the only one, foo'!
Cid: Shut up, dips**t! We're missing the Return of the A-Team/Dukes Reunion.
(A VERY loud cussing spree explodes through the building, knocking everyone over)
Dav: Oh sweet!
Cid: Holy s**t! (Gets up) What the HELL was that?!
Dav: Just that new fighting game where we're the characters.
Barret: Those damn foo's! The VCR exploded!
Cid: S**t! We'd better not blink 'cause we'll never know what we missed if we do!
Tifa: (Comes into the room) All right! Your guys' loud cussing spree just caused the cakes I was baking for the party later to fall! You're both grounded!
Barret: Sh't! But Teef, it wasn't us!
Tifa: You think I'm dumb?! (Grabs the antenna and tears it off the set) No TV for two weeks, unless you can figure out a way to repair this on your own!
(Outside the bar)
Dav: What was she talking about? What kind of party? (Sits on the steps) What else could happen today?
Musashi: (Jumps out of the alley) I am Musashi!
Dav: Get outta here, dips**t! (Boots Musashi outta the sector)
Marlene: MUSASHI!!! (Runs after him)
Dav: That wasn't what I meant!
Selphie: (Pops out) Hi there!
A cow: MMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! (Comes dropping out of the sky, lands on Selphie and crushes her)
Selphie: Ow... (Dies)
Dav: You're pushing it!
Dyne: I know... because I can!
Dyne: All right, have it your way.
Ami: (Walks into the sector and up to him)
Dav: That's better. (Turns to Ami) Something wrong?
Ami: Dav, I just came from the doctor's office because of the way I've been feeling sick lately. And I have news.
Dav: Go ahead.
Ami: I'm... I'm pregnant...
Dav: (Jaw drops to the ground) PREGNANT?! OH MY DEAR GOD!!! WE'RE STILL UNDER 18!!! MY LIFE IS OVER!!! (Slams his head against a post) MY... (Bam) LIFE... (Bam) IS... (Bam) OVER!!!
Bam-Bam (From Flintstones): Bam! Bam bam bam bam! Bam bam!
Dav: YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!!! (Boots Bam-Bam outta Midgar and runs out of the sector)
Ami: (Removes earplugs) He took that better than I expected.
(Meanwhile, in a factory outside of Midgar)
Golbez: This is the place that our master ordered us to capture. (Munches on popcorn)
Milon (Whining): Can we make this quick? My feet hurt! I'm tired of walking!
Kainazzo: Speak for yourself, @$$wipe! You don't have to drag your stomach over broken bottles all the time!
Valvalis: Shut up, both of you! You didn't have to put up with what I did when we moved through Sector 6!
Rubicant: And I haven't gotten to burn anything all day!
Golbez: Quiet! There's someone coming! It may be a guard!
(They duck into a closet)
Valvalis: Watch those hands, you!
Milon: Master Golbez, I can't breathe!
Rubicant: What's this? (Grabs some kind of bottle off the shelf)
Kainazzo: It looks like some kind of bottle.
Rubicant: No s**t, Sherlock! Can I burn it?
Golbez: Shut up! The guard heard us!
Cait's Friend (Wearing a guard uniform): (Opens the closet door and takes the bottle of tequila from Rubicant) Tequila man. (Shuts the door)
Milon: Uhh... what the hell just happened?
Golbez: Forget about it, let's move!
(They leave and soon pass in front of a janitor's closet with two uniforms laying outside)
Golbez: Ssh! Someone's in there! Valvalis, what's going in there?
Valvalis: (Puts her ear against the door)
Minako's voice: Ooooohhhhh... Cait's Friend.... You really came prepared for work tonight.
Cait's Friend's voice: Tequila V-Babe!
Valvalis: Two people doing it sir!
Golbez: Lucky guy. Anyway, Rubicant, burn these uniforms!
Rubicant: Oh yes! Thank you sir! (Burns the uniforms)
Golbez: Kainazzo, freeze that door shut.
Kainazzo: (Shoots water out of his @$$, where it freezes on the door frame) Job done, sir.
Milon: Master Golbez, what can I do?
Golbez: Nothing, you're worthless.
Milon: I am? (Starts crying)
Minako's voice: Did you hear something?
Golbez: Idiot! (Stuffs his popcorn bag into Milon's mouth) They heard us!
(Golbez and the 4 elements take off down the hall)
(In the closet)
Minako: I think we'd better check it out.
Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
Minako: Yeah, I know it sucks, but it's our job.
Cait's Friend: Tequila man. (Tries to open the door but can't)
The reader: DUH!!! Thanks, Captain Obvious!
Cait's Friend: Tequila!
Minako: What!? What do you mean you can't get it open!?
Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
Minako: This is just perfect, we're trapped in here without any strip of clothing on since we left our uniforms outside! Oh well, I guess we don't have to worry about anyone catching us in the act now.
Cait's Friend: V-Babe!
(Meanwhile, in the control room)
Golbez: We've arrived! With minimal resistance we have succeeded! Milon, open a channel to our master!
Milon: I am not worthless, I am not trash!
Valvalis: Stop trying to sound like Ramsus! (Throws Milon aside and opens a channel on a communications screen)
Screen: (Turns on into a room where Ramza is taking a bubble bath with about a dozen rubber duckies)
Ramza: (Looks up to see the screen) Who are you and what do you want?! I'm just now finding out that I'm in love with my ducks!
Golbez: But sir! We've succeeded in capturing the Instant Plot Device-
4 Elements: Just add water!
Ramza: Really? Oh goodie! (Stands up and starts jumping up and down while clapping)
Valvalis: Oh sick! (Pukes all over Milon)
Milon: (Starts crying again)
Ramza: Proceed according to plan! Now how do you work this thing? (Pushes several buttons on his console, causing it to overload and blow up)
Golbez: You heard him! Kainazzo, go to the main production room and activate every Instant Plot Device (Just add water!) in the building!
Kainazzo: But sir, won't that cause weird s**t to happen?
Golbez: No (Throws another popcorn bag away) That was another fic not in this saga. NOW MOVE!!!
(Somewhere in the world, Vegeta is flying around)
Vegeta: Hmm... what would be a good target? (Notices something) What the...? There's already someone attacking that castle! I'll join them. (Heads down)
(At Tycoon Castle)
Faris: What type of creatures be ye?
Raditz: Ha ha ha! Did you hear that, Nappa? This worthless pirate man wants to know what type of creatures we be!
Nappa: Hmm... if these people don't know about the Saiyans, then I'd better look presentable! (Pulls out a can of polish and shines his head) There, that's better!
Lenna: Hey, I can see myself!
Raditz: I'll kill the hot chick, you get pirate man!
Nappa: What are you talking about you chicken weakling?! I'll take the hot chick and you get pirate man!
Raditz: Shut up, baldy! Remember that because of our new training, I'm just as strong as you are!
Nappa: Oh yeah!
Nappa: Oh yeah!!!
Nappa: OH YEAH!!!!!
Faris: Me thinks these strange beings have a few screws loose.
Butz/Krile: (Come riding up on chocobos)
Butz: What's going on here?
Lenna: We're fighting some clowns who look almost as ridiculous as ExDeath.
Galuf: (Appears out of nowhere) Uh oh, here comes another one!
Krile: Grandpa, you're alive!
Galuf: No s**t, Sherlock!
Vegeta: (Lands) You idiots! I'll figure out how the hell you got revived later, but for now the purpose here is to destroy this castle, not argue like Nameks!
Raditz/Nappa: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Vegeta!
Vegeta: And who are these dips**ts?!
Nappa: Vegeta, you can't cuss!
Vegeta: FUNi's not controlling you anymore, Nappa!
Nappa: Uh... okay... uh, damn... Hey, I cussed! I'm free!
Raditz: 'Bout f**kin' time.
Vegeta: (Turns back to the FF5 crew) NOW WHO ARE YOU?!
Lenna: Faris and I are the rulers of Tycoon.
Galuf: I'm King Galuf of Val Castle.
Krile: I'm his granddaughter, Krile.
Butz: And I'm Butz, the traveler.
Vegeta/Nappa/Raditz: Butz?! Whahahahahahahaha!!! (Roll around on the ground laughing)
Faris: Ye shouldn't have said that.
Butz: Oh shut up! (Turns back to the Saiyans) Who the hell are you guys?!
Vegeta: I am the almighty Vegeta!
Nappa: And having been trained by the elite fighters of the universe, Raditz and I, Nappa, have become...
Raditz: the invincible SAIYAN FORCE!!!
Nappa/Raditz: (Do a gay dance)
Vegeta: (Jaw drops) Oh f**k...
Galuf: You mean you guys' names are Radish, an auto company, and Fejita?!
Vegeta: It is VEGETA!!! V-E-G-E-T-A!!! (Picks Galuf up and breaks him in half)
Butz: Thank God, I never liked that guy.
Nappa: Hey Vegeta, I've never seen you get that mad before! How many people've gotten your name wrong like that?
Vegeta: Don't ask, dammit! Just don't ask!
Raditz: We've wasted enough time already, let's just blow this place up and move on!
Vegeta/Raditz/Nappa: MAKE US!!! (Tear through the castle to knock down a few towers, then fire a few ki blasts to obliterate it before flying away)
Krile: No offense guys but that was pretty cool.
Faris: I have to agree with ye.
Lenna: But what am I going to do now?!
Butz: The bar in Tule's looking for a new dancer.
Lenna: Really? (Takes off)
(Elsewhere in the world)
Goku: Come on you guys! What's up with a game of air tag if nobody tries to get me?
Krillin: Go easy on us Goku! You know you're too fast for all of us except Gohan!
Piccolo: (Appears behind Krillin and tags him) You're it. (Flies away)
Gohan: Yeah! Good job Mr. Piccolo!
Piccolo: Hmph... (Tries to remember how the hell Gohan managed to convince him to play this game)
Yamcha: That's what you get for dropping your guard, Krillin.
Krillin: Uurrrrgghh!!! Why does everything happen to me?! (Flies around trying to tag someone)
Goku: Ahahahahaha! You'll never catch me!
Krillin: (Flies after Goku)
Goku: (Takes off at full speed)
King Kai (Telepathically): Goku! Are you there? I have to talk to you right now!
Goku: Huh?! (Stops)
Krillin: Oh no! Goku look out! (Rams straight into Goku, but doesn't faze him) Why me?!
Gohan: Daddy, are you okay?
Krillin: (Rubbing his head) What about me?!
Goku: I'm fine. King Kai, what is it?
King Kai: Oh nothing too serious, I just wanted to test this new comedy routine out. *Ahem* Why did the banana ride the skateboard?
A) It wanted to peel out.
B) It was drunk off it's @$$
C) Cut the crap and get back to the fic!
King Kai: Get it?
Goku: That's not why you're talking to me.
King Kai: Okay okay, party pooper. Anyway, strange things are happening all over the place!
Goku: Really? Cool! What type of things?
King Kai: Dead people are coming back to life! Planets, including Namek, are being restored! And some people are disappearing without a trace!
Goku: Oh no!
Piccolo: Goku, what is it?
Goku: Namek's been restored and people are coming back to life! There's only one thing other than the Dragon Balls that could do that!
Krillin: But the earth's Dragon Balls were destroyed!
Piccolo/Yamcha: No, s**t, Sherlock!
Goku: The only other thing that can do these things are Instant Plot Devices!
Gohan/Krillin: Just add water!
King Kai: I want you to go to Midgar and find out exactly what's going on!
Goku: All right. (Turns to everyone else) Guys, I've got to go to Midgar. Krillin, Gohan, come with me. Piccolo, you and Yamcha have everyone meet up at Master Roshi's.
Yamcha: Right! (He and Piccolo fly off)
Goku/Krillin/Gohan: (Head for Midgar)
Krillin: Hey Goku! What else do you think's happened?
Goku: I have no idea...
(At Sephiroth's shack)
Bob: Daddy, I'm tired! Can't we stop now!
Sephiroth: Not until you master this exercise! Now move it, only 80 more porno mags and you'll be done! You have a destiny to fulfill!
Bob: But Daddy! I love the porn! (Looks at one) SWEEEEET!!! (Puts it down) But I think I should be learning more about swordsmanship!
Sephiroth: Shut up, you! And read that porn!
Bob: Yes, sir! (Digs into the magazines) SWEEEEEET!!!
A voice: How dare you poison my baby this way!
Sephiroth: (Gasps in horror) No way! It can't be...
Eve: (Flies in)
Bob: It's Mommy! Hi, Mommy!
Sephiroth: Eve, darling? What are you doing here? You died!
Eve: I came to see what you've been doing to my son! As the Ultimate Being he should be training to take over the world! Instead, you've been poisoning him with pornography!
Eve: I want a divorce and I'm taking my baby with me!
Sephiroth: Uh... we were never married.
Eve: Oh yeah... but still! It's the principle, dammit! I'm not going to rest until he's in my custody!
Bob: Uh... Mommy, I'm 18, I'm a legal adult.
Eve: Shut up, you! I'll be back with my lawyer! (Flies out)
Bob: I'll be back. Steve, Joe, and I are going to chill at the Honey Bee Inn for a while.
Sephiroth: HOLD IT!!! I'll go with you. (They leave)
(Back to Vegeta. He and the other two Saiyans are flying around)
Vegeta: You've got to be putting me on! You trained under the Ginyu Force?!
Raditz: We had nothing better to do while trapped in the Other Dimension.
Vegeta: Dammit, Raditz! For the second time, this is a fanfic! Just say "hell"! FUNi has no authority here!
Nappa: Also, Dyne has some uncut tapes. But that castle we just destroyed was just our warm-up. Do you know of a really big place we can hit?
Vegeta: The biggest city on this planet is Midgar, but that's where my wife and son are.
Raditz: Whahahahaha! Vegeta has a wife?! How much did you pay that skanky b***h to marry you?!
Vegeta: F**k you!
Nappa: He's right, Vegeta. Only the ugliest and most desperate b***h would marry you!
Vegeta: SHUT UP!!! (Goes Super Saiyan 2) You leave Aeris alone or our alliance is over!
Raditz: Hmm, looks like we weren't the only ones to power up that much.
Nappa: Vegeta, we're going to have to teach you a lesson.
Raditz/Nappa: (Both go Super Saiyan 2)
Raditz: We'll start by destroying Midgar!
Nappa: Mwahahahahaha! (They take off)
Vegeta: WAIT, DAMMIT!!! (Goes after 'em) S**t, they've become faster than me!
(Back to the AVALANCHE Hq.)
The Reader: Finally!
Cloud: (Is now playing Power Stone for Dreamcast with Cait) This Wangtang guy looks like Fei, so I'll use him.
Cait Sith: Hmm, who should I be?
Vincent: Why not be Jack? He's a character after your own heart.
Cait Sith: Really?
Vincent: With the clown face, mugging and cheating people, the low defense, the-
Cait Sith: I GET THE IDEA!!! (Chooses Falcon)
Tifa: (Making more cakes) So does he know yet?
Ami: Yeah, I told him, but he's taking it hard.
Red XIII: Give him time, it'll take a while for Dav to accept it. (Heads downstairs to watch the game.)
Tifa: But when he does get back, we'll all celebrate.
(In the living room)
Cid: Hold your wide @$$ still, monkey man! We almost have reception!
Barret (Wearing an antenna on his head and standing on one foot): Sh't foo', how come I gotta stand here?!
Cid: You lost the toss, dammit!
(Suddenly, there's a knock at the door)
Aeris: I got it! (Walks to the door, carrying Pants) Goku?! What are you doing here?
Goku: Hi Aeris. I really have to talk to you guys, especially Cloud and Cait.
Aeris: All right, but who's with you.
Goku: This is my son, Gohan.
Gohan: Pleased to meet you.
Goku: And my friend, Krillin.
Goku: Is that yours and Vegeta's baby?
Aeris: Yes, his name is Pants.
Krillin: (Tries to stifle a laugh)
Aeris: Say hi to everyone, Sweetheart.
Pants: (Pukes all over Krillin)
Krillin: Why me?!
Cid: (Sees the group) Oh f**k! It's that other Saiyan pussy!
Barret: What'd you say, foo'! (Leans over to see but leans too far and falls over, causing the TV to return to showing nothing but static) Sh't!
Tifa: (Walks in) Complain as much as you want, but we're still not going back to having Cable. (Heads back)
Goku: Not too different from the last time I was here.
Cid: Shut up, Saiyan pussy! (Runs to shove his spear up Goku's @$$)
Goku: (Steps out of the way.)
Cid: (Can't stop and shoves the spear up Krillin's @$$)
Krillin: (Still wiping the puke off his head) AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! My @$$! My @$$! My f**kin' @$$! Why do these things always happen to me?!
Gohan: C'mon Krillin, you've had worse happen. (Throws a senzu bean to him.)
Krillin: (Gets hit in the eye before the bean falls into his mouth.)
Aeris: (Finally stops laughing) Come on, before you forget why you guys came here in the first place.
(They head downstairs where Cloud is just picking up the third jewel and-)
Cloud/Cait/Red/Vince: Holy s**t! He's a rip-off of Goku!
Goku: Huh?! Let me see! (Pushes Krillin aside and off the elevator to get a better look.)
Krillin: (Falls underneath the elevator) AAAAAHHHHH!!! (Gets squashed)
Cait Sith: (Looks behind him) ACK! When'd you get here?!
Cloud: Forget that for now, just finish the match!
Wangtang: (Quickly finishes off Falcon to end the match)
Goku: That guy stole my Kamehameha and Genki Dama attacks!
Author's Note: For those of you who only know of the English DBZ, Genki Dama is Goku's Spirit Bomb attack. This doesn't really make any sense since on one episode during the Saiyan Conflict, Yamcha uses an attack called "Spirit Bomb" and since the dubbers really had no idea what they were doing when they-
Everyone: (Gives the author a dirty look.)
Author's Note: I'll shut up now.
Gohan: Are you going to sue that company, dad?
Goku: I just might do that.
Cloud: (Finally notices what's going on) Huh?! Gokuwhatareyoudoinghere?!
Red XIII: Once again your power of observation fails to amaze us.
Vincent: He's getting better, though.
Cloud: ... (Sweatdrops) WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO EARN A LITTLE RESPECT AROUND HERE!!!
Aeris: (Smells something) Uh oh, somebody needs to be changed.
Everyone: (Looks at Cloud)
Cloud: IT WASN'T ME!
Everyone: (Looks under the elevator at Krillin)
Krillin: It wasn't me! But could somebody PLEASE GET THIS DAMN THING OFFA ME!!!
Aeris: (Takes Pants upstairs)
Krillin: (Finally gets up) Ouch... why me?
(Goku begins to explain what happened.)
(Back at the Instant Plot Device (Just Add Water!) Factory)
(In the control room)
Golbez: Your plan has been a success, Master Ramza!
Ramza: (Over the comm. panel) Did it? Oh that's swell!
Golbez: By the way, we managed to capture two security guards. What should we do with 'em?
Valvalis: Not anymore, sir! They've escaped!
Golbez: That's impossible! (Shoves Valvalis aside, looks at the security camera panel and sees the open door.)
Ramza: If they escape then they'll tell the world about my plans before I do! (Bites his nails)
Milon: (Playing Jacks with Kainazzo and Rubicant) That I never really understood, why do we always give away our plans?
Golbez: It's plot exposition you idiot! (Whacks Milon)
Ramza: You'd better find 'em or I'll wedgie all of you! (Signs off)
Golbez: You heard our master, go out and capture those guards again!
Elements: Yes sir! (They all start running out but step on the jacks and fall over)
(Outside the factory)
Minako (Hiding in the shadows with Cait's Friend): I just can't believe they burned our clothes!
Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
Minako: But it was still nice the way you got us out of there.
Cait's Friend: (Thinks back)
Minako: Are you sure this'll work?
Cait's Friend: (Nods)
Minako: Then go ahead, but don't blame me if you get burned.
Cait's Friend: Tequila man! (Holds a blowtorch in front of his face, takes a deep breath, and blows, causing a huge jet of fire to melt the ice outside.)
Minako: Great job! Now let's get out of here.
Cait's Friend: (Burps and is a little out of breath)
(Back to the present)
Cait's Friend: (Snaps back to reality when he hears a strange noise.)
Minako: (Is digging through a garbage dumpster.) We've got to find something to wear or we'll never get home alive or at least being raped every three seconds. Why do we have to go through Wall Market to get there, anyway?
Cait's Friend: (Slowly nods as he's staring, soon finds an old pair of pants and a T-shirt saying "I'm with stupid.")
Minako: (Finds some shorts and a shirt saying "I can go from 0 to B***H in 0.05 seconds.") Okay, come on.
Cait's Friend: (Is trying to lick a puddle of tequila from the bottom of the dumpster.) Tequila V-Babe! (Climbs out and follows Minako)
Homer/Marge: (Approach the dumpster and also start looking for clothes)
(Somewhere in the mountains)
Dav: (Is riding Jessika through a forest) I probably shouldn't have run off like that, but it'll give me time to think.
Dav: Huh? What's the matter? (Looks up to see something falling towards him.) Crap! (Turns Jess aside right before another gold chocobo lands on them.)
Zidane: (Climbs off of Choco) Sorry about that, I didn't see you guys. You okay?
Dav: (Climbs off of Jessika) No damage. (Notices Zidane's tail and thinks) ~Is this guy related to Vegeta?~ (Speaks) So you're one of the newcomers, where's the rest of your group?
Zidane: They didn't want to come help me look for Chocograph treasures, the lazy bums!
Dav: Heh. I've been wondering, I know your chocobo can fly, but which one of ours could run faster. Got enough time for a quick race?
Zidane: Yeah, I guess, it won't matter how long I take 'cause no important events ever happen in RPGs until we trigger 'em.
Dav: I know, isn't that great?
(Suddenly, a few "warks" are heard.)
Dav/Zidane: (Turn around and their jaws drop when they see Choco and Jessika mating.)
(Back at the Hideout)
Goku: And that's the whole story.
Red XIII: Inconceivable!
Cloud: It would be a good idea to find out who's causing this.
Cait/Vincent: (Applaud and clap) Wohoo! Cloud finally said something smart!
Cloud: (Grumbles and ignores 'em)
Goku: But for now I need to report back to the others. Where's Krillin?
Gohan: He went outside to get some fresh air.
(Some screaming is heard from outside)
Cait Sith: They always learn the hard way in Midgar.
Cid: Dammit! Can't you hold still for one f**king second?!
Barret: (Is balanced on the tip of one foot, still holding the antenna) Shaddup, foo'!
Minako: (Slams the door open and hits Barret) WE'RE HoooooOOOOME!!
Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
Barret: (Falls over from the hit) Sh't! Not again! (The TV goes back to static.)
Ami: (Walks out of the kitchen) Hi, Minako-chan, how was work? Did you see Dav out in the city? (Notices her clothes) That's not your uniform... is it?
Minako: Sorrycan'ttalkrightnowgottofindCloudandCait! (Heads downstairs)
Cait's Friend: Tequila! (Heads downstairs)
Ami: (Sighs) I guess I'll go back into the kitchen. (Looks inside and sees Tifa and Aeris fighting over something.) Never mind. (Goes into her room.)
(Back downstairs, these scenes are awfully jumpy, I know)
Goku: We'll have to find him on the way out. Come on Gohan, we've got to get moving.
Gohan: (Playing AVALANCHE Zone against Cait as Vegeta) Give me a minute, dad, I'm about to win.
Cait Sith: (Playing as himself and dies a second later) Not fair! Rip off! I want my money back!
Cloud/Red/Vince: (Laughs at his losing to a beginner)
Minako/Cait's Friend: (Come downstairs)
Cloud: Where the hell have you two been?! I've been trying to call the factory all afternoon!
Minako: It's really important, the factory's been-
Krillin: (Suddenly comes downstairs with several marks all over his head)
Cait's Friend: (Points) Tequila man!
Goku: Krillin?! What happened to you?!
Krillin: Some punk kids caught me by surprise and played connect-the-dots on my head.
Vincent/Cait/Cloud/Red: Whahahahahahahahahaha!!! (Fall over laughing)
Krillin: Please don't laugh at me!
Citan: (Walks in) Hey! That's my line! (Pulls his mask off, revealing to be the Geeky Guy.)
Everyone: (Laughs at the Geeky Guy and Krillin)
Krillin/Geeky Guy: I said don't laugh at me!
Dyne: Waitaminute, he's not supposed to be here until the second half! (Boots the Geeky Guy through the wall.)
Minako: Here, let me clean it up for you. (Picks up a bottle of cleanser and sprays it on Krillin's head.)
Krillin: (Suddenly grabs his head in pain) AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!!!
Minako: It can't be that bad, can it?
Vincent: Look at the label.
Minako: (Looks) Oops... I never knew that they sold acid like this.
Krillin: It's eating away my skin!!!
Goku: We'll wash it of when we get back to Kame House (Places a hand on Gohan and Krillin's shoulders and teleports out.)
Author's Note: FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO LIKE THE DBZ DUB, IT'S "INSTANTANEOUS MOVEMENT" (You're welcome, Dave)
(At the Sack, Plunder, and Loot Law Firm)
Mr. Sack: So what you're saying ma'am, is that you'd like to legally divorce your husband and take your child, Bob the Ultimate Being, into custody?
Eve: (Pounds the desk) How many times do I have to tell you... HE'S NOT MY HUSBAND!!! (Points at Mr. Sack)
Mr. Sack: (Bursts into flames) Aoowwch!!! Ouchies!!! IIIIIEEE!!! (Gets barbecued)
Mr. Plunder: Wasn't this in an X-files episode?
Mr. Loot: Nah, Parasite Eve had the idea first.
Mr. Plunder: Ah.
Mr. Loot: (Turns to Eve) We understand, ma'am, we'll use your story and make a few alterations, that way we'll have the judge in tears in no time.
Eve: What do you mean?
Mr. Plunder: Easy, we make the father look like it was all his fault instead of yours, that way we're sure to win.
Eve: (Thinks about it and smiles) I love it.
Mr. Loot: (Huddles in with Eve and Mr. Plunder) Now here's what we'll do...
(At the Chocobo Ranch)
Dav: This is just perfect! My two favorite girls pregnant at the same time!
Billy: She'll have to stay here while she lays and hatches the egg.
Dav: You think I didn't know that?!
Billy: What kind of chocobo do you think'll hatch?
Zidane: With all the crazy things going on lately, I wouldn't be surprised if it were black and blue with pink and purple polka dots and yellow and green stripes.
Dav: Wait a sec? Crazy things have been happening to you guys, too?
Dav: Like what?
Billy: Grandpa suddenly decided to become a super hero, so he donned some kind of suit and now calls himself "Choco Man."
Zidane: Vivi went to audition for a part in the parody of DBZ's Android Saga. Rusty suddenly kept saying something about wanting to go to Nebraska and becoming a ventriloquist. Eiko started dating some kid named Leon. And that's only the lighter stuff.
Dav: (Blinks) Take care of Jessika, Billy, I've got to get home! (Runs out and heads for Midgar)
Zidane: C'mon Choco, we've got to go too. (Turns around and sees the other chocobos teaching Choco their dance.
Choco: (Receives "Choco-Mog" materia.)
(At Ramza's hideout)
Ramza: Are we ready to broadcast?
Golbez: (Over the comm. unit) Yes sir, we've stolen Odessa's idea of broadcasting your message through every TV, mirror, toilet bowl, photograph, or anything with a reflective surface. (Hears a noise and looks behind him) Would you two stop it back there?!?!
Milon: (Is trying to pull a horseshoe away from Rubicant) But Master Golbez, he hit me on the head with this and I know he'll do it again!
Golbez: Give Rubicant back his horseshoe.
Milon: Ok... (Gives Rubicant the shoe)
Rubicant: (Whacks him on the head with it again) HA HA!
Milon: I told you so!
Ramza: Why did I hire you people?!
Golbez: I believe you were high on crack at the time, sir.
Ramza: Oh yeah, that's right. But for now, prepare for broadcast!
Golbez: Push the button, Frank!
Valvalis: Stop calling me that! You've been watching too many of your MST3K tapes.
Golbez: Sorry, but that's the best time to eat my popcorn. It won't happen again Kainazzo.
Valvalis: (Sighs and pushes the button.)
(At the bar in Wall Market)
Spanky: (Is singing) It's closing time, one last call for alcohol. It's closing time...
Steel: No more 151 for you.
Spanky: I'm na drunk. Ish jusht shinging along wish shat leprechaun over shere. (Passes out)
A-Ko: Does he always get that drunk?
Steel: Not before he learned that song.
Sharky: (Walks in) Also Dyne needed a good way to kill off the old me and bring in the new me.
Steel: Wha?! (Looks over at Spanky)
Spanky: (Is dead from alcohol overdose)
A-Ko: I get it, same character but different name.
Sharky: Damn right. (Sits down and orders a 151)
A-Ko: Excuse me Hon, I'm going to freshen up. (Squeezes Steel's hand and cracking noises are heard before heading to the bathroom.)
Steel: (In a weak voice) Ok... (Waits until she's gone before shaking his hand in pain.)
Sharky: So how's your life been with her?
Steel: It was pretty painful at first, but she's given me the best nights of my life!
Sharky: Even better than your mom?
Steel: (Is about to pull a Cid when-)
Freya: Hey! What's up with the TV?!
Steel/Sharky: (See Ramza's face on the TV) Ewwww!!!
(At the Hideout)
Everyone: (Sees Ramza's face in some place within the house.)
Ramza: (Over the broadcast) Attention world! No... that doesn't sound right... Hey y'all! Hmm... not that either... WHASSSAP?! Damn... forget it. (Farts) Excuse me.
Golbez's voice: Uh sir... you forgot something.
Ramza: Oops. (Zips up his fly) Now then, what was I saying? (Pulls out some note cards) Let me see: capture factory, make broadcast, initiate revenge against Dav (Drops the cards), aw, what else can go wrong today?! (Bends over to pick them up and a ripping sound is heard.)
Everyone: (Laughs at him.)
Ramza: All I've got to say is that I've taken over the Instant Plot Device-
Cloud/Cait: Just add water!
Ramza: Factory and I am using it to take my revenge out on everyone, everywhere! (Voice cracks) I WILL RULE!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *hack* *cough* (Signs off)
Minako: That's what I was going to tell you guys!
Cloud: We'd better get everyone together.
Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock. (Farts) Ah, I feel better.
Cait Sith: We'll do it later, I'm playing against Vince.
(Outside Master Roshi's house)
Roshi: We've got an emergency here!
Yamcha: What are you talking about? That broadcast appearing in your toilet or the fact that the Son of Sephiroth stole all your porn?
Roshi: What do you think is more important to me?! (Goes inside)
Piccolo: That was a stupid question.
Bob's voice (Echoing in the wind): SWEEEEEEEET!!!
Tenshinhan: (Walks around the corner) Sorry I'm late, I ran into some strange people who were shipwrecked. They're coming now.
Butz: (Walks over) It was all Faris's fault for being drunk at the helm again!
Tenshinhan: But you were in an airship, where'd that huge hole come from?
Krile: (Walks over) I found the problem. (Drags a very beat up Zell Dincht over) Somebody threw him through the ship.
Zell: Damn, that Mr. T is helluva tough! (Dies)
Tenshinhan: Who are we waiting for?
Piccolo: Goku, he's off doing an investigation on some strange things that are going on.
Tenshinhan: Like Chaotzu's wanting to become a ballet dancer all of a sudden?
Goku/Gohan/Krillin: (Pop onto the island.)
Krillin: (Runs over and dunks his head into the ocean.) Ahh... that's better.
Goku: Good, we're all here. (Sees Butz and Krile) Who are you guys?
Tenshinhan: A couple of people I found stranded, Butz and Krile.
Gohan/Yamcha: Butz... Whahahahahahaha!!!
Goku: Wow, Butz pulled a Cid!
Krillin: (Walks back over to the group) There, washed off all of the acid and markers.
Krile: (Hearts appear in her eyes) Oh my goodness! You're soooo cute!!!
Krile: (Flings her arms around Krillin) Please say you'll marry me!?
Krillin: Hey! I don't even know your name!
Marron: (Suddenly turns the corner) Krillin? Where are you? (Sees him and Krile) Aaaaah! Oh my god! Krillin, how could you do this to me?! I leave you for three years and that's how you repay that and everything else I've done for you?!
Krillin: Marron! Wait! Stop!
Marron: I hate you Krillin! (Breaks a full bottle of beer over his head.)
Yamcha/Piccolo/Gohan/Tenshinhan: (Suddenly break out into song) 99 bottles of beer on the wall! 99 bottles of beer! You take one down, smash Krillin around! 98 bottles of beer on the wall!
Marron: I never want to see you again! (Lights a match and throws it on Krillin's head before running off.) I might as well try and climb that chain link fence wrapped in barbed wire again, I want to find out what's on the other side! (Disappears)
Krillin: (Throws Krile aside and runs around screaming with his head on fire.)
Krile: I'll put it out! (Casts Ice 3 on him)
Krillin: (Gets turned into an ice statue) Why me...?
Piccolo: (To Goku) So what did you find out?
Goku: I'm pretty sure you guys already know, when I stopped at home so Gohan could pee, that worldwide broadcast came on in my kitchen sink while Chi Chi made me dry.
Yamcha: Yeah, we saw it.
Butz: So did we.
A Voice: And if nothing is done, then the future holds an even worse fate than if the androids took over!
Everyone: (Turns around)
Trunks: (Floats down)
DBZ Crew: Trunks?!
Butz: Trunks...? Whahahahahahahaha!!!
Krile: I wouldn't laugh at him... BUTZ!
Trunks: Butz...? WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Gohan: What'll happen to the future?!
Trunks: It's always changing one second from the next, and it's too horrible to talk about. I came back to this time right away to prevent it from happening. (Thinks about how everyone was forced to watch Barney, Teletubbies, and Pokemon all day long until they were brainwashed.)
Goku: Let's go inside and talk about it, then we'll come up with some kind of plan.
Everyone: (Goes into the house but leaves Krillin on the beach to thaw out.)
(Outside of Midgar)
Dav: (Is running towards the Sector 7 gate) So those strange things at the beginning of the fic weren't just happening to me. I'd better see if Ami-chan and the others are all right.
Raditz: (Suddenly lands in front of him) Well well well, looks like somebody was trying to warn the city about our arrival, eh Nappa?
Nappa: (Lands behind Dav) I guess we should take him out before we get started.
Dav: (Thinks) ~What the hell?! These guys look like the Saiyans Vegeta used to work with. Shouldn't be too hard to outsmart 'em.~ (Speaks) Hey, I'm not doing anything against you guys, I just want to get by.
Raditz: Begging for mercy won't help you now, I don't even think we too much energy on killing him. (Reverts from Super Saiyan)
Nappa: You are so right, that way we can go all out in destroying the city. (Reverts)
Dav: (Thinks) ~Destroy the city? I've got to stall 'em and get rid of 'em before they kill everyone.~
Raditz/Nappa: (Power up and ready some blasts.)
Dav: This won't be too hard after all. (Sidesteps)
Raditz/Nappa: (Blast each other)
Dav: That was easy.
Raditz: (Gets up) You idiot! You were supposed to aim at him!
Nappa: (Gets up) What the hell were YOU aiming at?!
Raditz: I was aiming at him!
Nappa: You were not!
Raditz: I was too!
Nappa: Were not!
Raditz: Was too!
Nappa: WERE NOT!!!
Raditz: WAS TOO!!!
Dav: (Sweatdrops) They're nearly fighting like Tifa and Aeris.
Nappa: Let's just have one of us take him on!
Raditz: All right, we'll determine by the classic method of our trainers!
Raditz/Nappa: (Start playing Rock, Paper, Scissors and tie about 5000 times in a row.)
Dav: (Yawns, pulls out a Game Boy, and starts playing)
(20 Minutes later)
Raditz: Yes! I won!
Dav: (Puts the Game Boy away) Finally...
Raditz: Okay you little punk, let's get it on!
Dav: (Already has Atma Weapon drawn and summons Shiva.)
Raditz: (Starts powering up.)
Shiva: (Freezes Raditz)
Raditz: (Immediately breaks out of the ice.)
Shiva: Um... s**t... (Looks at Dav) You're on your own. (Disappears)
Dav: Thanks a lot...
Raditz: YYAAAAAAAHH!!! (Charges Dav)
Dav: (Elbows Raditz in the face, then trips him.)
Raditz: (Falls flat on his face and his nose is bleeding) Oh my doze! I'll det you!
Dav: Have you ever heard your voice when you inhale helium? Yours would be pretty funny right now.
Raditz: Why you little! (Fires a Renzoku Energy Dan)
Author's Note: Again, for you dubbies, it's a barrage of small blasts.
Dav: (Quickly puts on a Reflect Ring and sends them back.)
Raditz: (Gets hit be all of 'em and gets blown away again.)
Nappa: Don't look now, but here comes the press!
Irvine (Wearing a "Press" card in his hat): Wow! Look at this, a fight to the death!
Cameraman: I got it! (Starts shooting)
Raditz: (Gets back up) Take care of them before they tell the world about us!
Nappa: All right already! (Grabs Irvine by the head) Noogie! (Gives him a noogie.)
Cameraman: Uh... sir, what are you doing?!
Nappa: (Sees the cameraman and quickly fires a blast through Irvine's chest) Am I on TV? (Starts doing gay @$$ poses) What do you think is my coolest one?
Irvine: Uh... (Dies)
Cameraman: (Pukes all over Irvine's corpse)
Author's note: Three down, three to go.
Dav/Raditz: (Continue to fight)
(At the Hideout)
Cid: Okay, monkey man! I think we finally got it this time!
Barret: (Is again in some weird antenna-holding position) 'Bout damn time foo'!
Cid: (Turns on the TV in time to see Nappa on camera.) Holy mother f**king #$^#%^#%^#%^!#$^@$%^!#$^!$%^$%&!#%^@$%(&*@$%^@$%&*@$%)(*^@$%)^*@$%(&*!$%(&!(%^**(%@(%(^ s**t!
Cait/Red/Cloud/Vince/Minako/Cait's Friend: (Come upstairs)
Cloud: What's going on up here?!
Aeris/Tifa/Ami/Pants: (Come into the living room)
Tifa: Dammit Cid! You did it again! (Prepares to kick in the TV)
Ami: Wait! Look in the background, it's Dav!
Cait's Friend: Tequila?!
Barret: What is that foo' doing?! (Leans over)
Vincent: (Pulls out his gun and holds it in front of Barret's face) Don't move.
Everyone else: (Watches the fight.)
Red XIII: I can't believe this, he's winning!
Ami: (Has a big smile on her face.)
(On the TV, behind Nappa's continual posing)
Raditz: That's it kid, no more Mr. Nice Guy! (Goes Super Saiyan again)
Dav: Sorry, it's time to finish you off! JUSTICE SLASH!!!
Raditz: Ha! (Blocks every attack then punches Dav in the stomach.)
Dav: (Goes flying back until he slams into the mountain.)
(Back in the Hideout)
Minako: What are you going to do-
Ami: (Runs out of the Hideout leaving a large "Whooooosh" sound.)
Aeris: Come on, you idiots, let's follow her!
Everyone: (Heads out at the same time and gets stuck in the door.) $^#%^@$%&$%^*$@%)&*$@)%^@$)%^*@$%)@$%)^*@$%)^*@$%)&*$)%&($%^)&*#!!!!!!!
Dyne: Damn, everyone pulled a Cid!
(Back outside the city)
Dav: (Falls over, holding his stomach, and has the wind knocked out of him.) I can't die now... not without seeing Ami-chan one more time...
Raditz: (Throws Dav into the air and knocks him back down to the ground.)
Dav: (Creates a huge crater in the ground, is lying in a pool of blood, and his eyes are glazed over.) Uh...
Raditz: Ready to die now? (Starts to power up another ki blast)
Ami: (Runs into the battlefield) Dav! NNNOOO!!!
Dav: (His eyes go back to normal and he slowly lifts his head) Ami-chan...?
Raditz: (Fires a huge blast at near point-blank range)
Dav: AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! (Gets vaporized)
Nappa: Ha ha! Hey Raditz, you killed that son of a b***h at the perfect time, look at his girlfriend over there. (Thinks) ~I like cussing.~
Ami: (Falls onto her knees in shock) Dav... (Tears well up)
Raditz: Whahahahahaha!!! I've always had pretty good timing! But for now I think I'll send her to join him!
Ami: (Stands up and is breathing heavily in anger) YOU!!!
Raditz: Huh?! (Looks into his Scouter) Holy schnikies! Her power level's skyrocketing!!!
Ami: (A blue glow of power surrounds her) YOU KILLED MY DAV YOU $^!#$%^@$%&@$%%^&@$#%^&@$%^%^*#%^%^&@$^*%^*#%!!! (Runs over and utterly beats the crap out of Raditz)
Raditz (Broken and bleeding): Ow... poopy...
Ami: (Turns to Nappa) YOU'RE NEXT!!!
Nappa: (Cowers in fear)
Ami: (Is about to charge but suddenly feels dizzy and sick) No... not now... (Falls over) That burst of anger was too much for me in my condition...
Nappa: Ha! Just like shooting fish in a barrel! (Goes Super Saiyan again and prepares to fry Ami when-)
Vegeta: FINAL FLASH!!! (Aims straight between Nappa's eyes)
Nappa: WHAT THE?! (Manages to block it but still takes a lot of damage)
Vegeta: (Lands) I have to admit, the kid did a good job stalling you bozos.
Nappa: AAAAHHH!S Vegeta! (Blinks) Wait a second, I'm stronger than you are now! (Charges Vegeta)
Vegeta: (Flashes aside and easily kicks Nappa in the back) You s**t head, did you honestly think I would waste my full power on one measly castle and in flying here?!
Nappa (Is on the ground): Y-y-y-y-you mean you were only at at least half power when we destroyed that castle?!
Vegeta: (Grins evilly) Exactly. (Starts to fight with Nappa and easily gains the upper hand.)
Raditz: (Slowly gets up and makes his way over to Ami) You blue-haired b***h... I'm going to take you out here and now...
Ami: (Is breathing hard and is still too weak to move. Whispers) Dav... I'm so sorry that our child won't be born, please be waiting for me in heaven.
Raditz: Now you die! (Prepares to fire another blast but is suddenly hit by a punch that goes through his armor.)
A-Ko: (Lifts Raditz up with her fist) Don't even try it, pal!
Ami: A-Ko? You're helping... me...?
A-Ko: (Grabs Raditz by the hair, swings him around a few times, and throws him over the horizon.)
Raditz: (Screams as he's thrown) Nappa! Retreeeeeaaat!!! (Disappears somewhere over Kansas)
Vegeta: (Stops wailing on Nappa) Go home and cry, Nappa.
Nappa: (Hobbles away limping) I was born to be wild! My mom said I was! (Takes off and follows Raditz)
A-Ko: Serves 'em right. (Helps Ami up) You okay?
Ami: (Leans on A-Ko's shoulder and is now crying) Dav...
Vegeta: (Reverts from Super Saiyan and approaches the two I hate to admit it, but the kid's a hero. If he hadn't stalled those dips**ts until we could get here, they'd have destroyed Midgar. (Looks at A-Ko) Why did you come?
A-Ko: I was watching the fight on the news and ran out to help him when I saw... that blast, but I knew I was too late so I decided to stop that guy before he could kill Ami.
Vegeta: Wait a second, weren't you with-?
(At a hospital)
Sharky: I warned you to back away from her when she saw what happened in that fight.
Steel: (Is on a bed and in a body cast) Don't make me talk, it hurts...
Sharky: But it was funny as hell when she pushed you aside through the wall when she stood up.
Steel: (Thinks about it again and moans.)
Sharky: Oh well, I'm going to the 7th Heaven before Cait's Friend steals my 151. (Punches Steel in the arm.)
Steel: AUGH!!! OUUCHIES!!!
Sharky: Oops, sorry. (Walks out singing "Closing Time.")
(Back at the battlefield)
A-Ko: I think he'll be all right, I did worse to Dav.
Vegeta: Let's get out of here. (Walks toward the gate.)
A-Ko: (Helps Ami back)
Vegeta: (Has to push everyone out of the door frame when they get to the Hideout.)
(At Earth's check-in station)
King Yema (Smoking a huge @$$ cigar): And what are your reasons for why you think you shouldn't go to hell? And say it all without using the letter "o".
Delita: I can't be dead! I haven't disgraced Ramza's family yet!
King Yema: Not a good enough reason and you lose! (Pushes a button)
Delita: But I didn't say- (A trapdoor open under him) OOOOoooooooo s**********t!!! (Falls down to hell)
Mr. Burns: Excellent, I'm glad I took over as manager of this place.
King Yema: Heh heh heh. (Chugs a beer)
Dav (Is standing further back in line): This isn't going to be easy...
A woman: (Suddenly appears next to him) You don't have to worry, I can convince him to do anything.
Dav: Huh? who are you?
Woman: I'm not surprised you don't remember me, but take a good look, Dav.
Dav: (Looks at her closely and notices her long, brown hair and grey eyes. His jaw drops.) No... you can't...
Dav's mother, Rhea: It's been over 16 years since I last saw you this close to me. (Hugs him) I've been watching you from up here.
Dav: (Is speechless)
Rhea: I lost track of your father's life on earth, but thank God I've managed to always look after you. You had one strange life after joining the army and I can't say how proud I am that you turned against them and their horrible ways.
Dav: My father... he's alive?
Rhea: (Nods again) You may be able to find him, his name is-
King Yema: NEXT!!!
Rhea: Come, it's your turn.
Rhea: (Pushes Dav in front of King Yema's desk)
King Yema: What do you want this time, Rhea?
Rhea: I ask for permission for my son to travel down Snake Way and train under King Kai.
King Yema: (Looks closely at Dav) He's only a normal human, he'd never survive the journey, let alone live through King Kai's training.
Rhea: Dav is much stronger and smarter than he looks. He overpowered a Saiyan at its most powerful outside of becoming a Super Saiyan. (Grins evilly and holds out a gold cigar case) And if you don't let him try, I won't give this back.
Dav: (Thinks) ~Yep, she's definitely my mother.~
King Yema: (Sees the case and falls onto his knees, begging.) Okay, okay, you win! He can try, but I won't be held responsible if he falls off.
Rhea: (Points to an archway) You have to get going, King Kai's planet is 10,000 miles out. It will take you months to get there.
Dav: Not if I can help it. (Sees someone in the crowd and walks over to him) Hey Rudy, can I borrow something?
Rudy: Sure, I can loan you my rocket skates, but you won't be able to stop until you hit something.
Dav: (Nods) I know, but Snake Way doesn't stop until I hit King Kai's planet, with these it should only take me a week to get there instead of months.
Rudy: (Gives him the skates) Take 'em, before my friends revive me.
Dav: Thanks. (Turns to Rhea) Mom... will I ever see you again?
Rhea: (Hugs him) Not for several more years, Dav. Once you get to King Kai's you'll learn how you can be revived.
Dav: My body was vaporized and the Instant Plot Device-
Rudy/King Yema: Just add water!
Dav: factory was taken over.
Rhea: Don't worry about a thing, you'll see. Now go, I don't think your beautiful wife wants to be kept waiting, you'll be able to talk to her once you get there.
Dav: (Nods again and heads for the arch leading to Snake Way) Good-bye mom, if my child is a girl, I'll name her after you. (Straps on the skates and eats a piece of King Yema's fruit that he stole)
Author's Note: If you don't remember what King Yema's fruit does, doubles a persons strength and keeps him full for three months.
Rhea: (Waves) Remember that I'm always watching, and I know you'll make it.
Dav: (Takes off)
Rhea: (Has tears in her eyes) Good-bye, my Dav, you'll make it.
(That night, back on Earth)
(At the Hideout, in the living room)
Minako: (Walks out of Ami's room)
A-Ko: How is she?
Minako: Finally cried to sleep. The poor girl's world has fallen apart.
A-Ko: (Looks into the room and sees Ami hugging Dav's pillow, tears covering her face, the Atma Weapon and pictures of the couple in front her on the bed.) Now I can't believe I tried to kill her, she was so happy.
Minako: Too bad these idiots don't see that. (Looks out)
Cid/Barret: (Are having a cussing war over who has to hold the antenna.)
Tifa/Aeris: (Are having one of their regular b***h fights.)
Vegeta: (Is cussing to himself about how he as the Prince of Planet Vegeta has been reduced to changing Pants's diaper.)
Red XIII: (Is cussing as both Cait's Friend and Pants for puking on him.)
Sharky: (Is cussing at Cait's Friend for drinking the last bottle of 151.)
Cait's Friend: (Is passed out again.) Tequila...
Cloud/Cait: (Are cussing at each other and accusing each other of cheating on AVALANCHE Zone.)
Vincent: (Is cussing out the fact that his coffin doesn't have soundproofing panels.)
(At Kame House)
Goku: (Is eating everything in the refrigerator.)
Gohan/Piccolo: (Are training outside.)
Yamcha: (Is helping Roshi look for his stolen porn.)
Tenshinhan: (Is helping Butz and Krile fix their airship.)
Faris: (Is still drunk off her @$$.)
Trunks: (Is playing computer solitaire.)
Krillin: (Is still frozen out on the beach and often getting crapped on by a seagull.)
(At the factory)
Golbez: (Is watching Manos: The Hands of Fate and eating popcorn.)
Rubicant/Kainazzo: (Are playing "Sacrificial Altar" with Milon.)
Valvalis: (Decided to explore Midgar and tour a place called "Corneo Mansion.")
(At Ramza's Hideout)
Ramza: (Is watching his collection of "Mr. Roger's Neighborhood episodes.)
(Somewhere over the rainbow)
Nappa: (Is cleaning his wounds and polishing his head again.)
Raditz: (Is trying to pull himself out of the ground and has been since landing.)
(All in all, things are pretty normal right now, however...)
(During the next week, Dav has had no problem with making it to King Kai's planet, however, once he gets there...)
Dav: (Is approaching the end of Snake Way) I see it! (Does a flying leap off the end toward the planet and starts to get pulled in) WHHOOOOOOOOOAAAAAHH NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (Is about to hit the ground) FLOAT!!! (Stops dead a few inches above the ground and the skates deactivate) Too close... (Stands up easily, not affected by the gravity) Sweet! Goku said that this place has 10 times earth's normal gravity, but I have no problem as long as the spell is activated.
King Kai: (Walks out of the house) So you're here, Rhea and Yema told me you'd be coming.
Dav: (Sees King Kai and almost laughs at how short he is, but walks over) I've come to train under you, King Kai, if you'll accept me.
King Kai: I know, I know, you young people are always rushing things like a rabbit on steroids. (Suddenly bursts out laughing)
Dav: (Face vaults)
King Kai: (Stops) Anyway, before I give you your first test, I assume you'll want to know how you can be revived.
Dav: (Eyes widen) You really mean it? I'll see Ami-chan again?!
King Kai: It's easy, all you have to do is use the Dragon Balls. I know that Earth's Balls were destroyed in your last battle with Yuffie, but maybe Kami has another batch set up.
Dav: Ok... Hey, King Kai, is there anyway I can talk to any of my friends? I don't want to wait for them to figure it out on their own.
King Kai: Oh sure, I'll put you in direct communication with Ami, put your hand on my shoulder and concentrate on your message.
Dav: (Puts a hand on Kai's shoulder and thinks) Ami-chan...
(At the Hideout)
Minako (Holding a tray of food): Come on, Ami-chan, you've been typing on that computer of yours and have been sitting there all week and have barely eaten anything. At least have one of the sandwiches.
Ami (Is sitting with her back turned to Minako, hugging Dav's pillow and still looking at pictures of them): I said I'm not hungry, so please leave.
Minako: Ok, but I'll leave them here in case you feel like eating anything. (Sets the tray down and leaves).
Author's Note: The seriousness of this fic is about to skyrocket for the rest of this half. If you don't like it... TOO BAD!!!
Ami: (Falls into a state of memories and remembrance.)
The Opera (Final Fantasy VI)
Sailor Mercury: Guided by the wisdom of Mercury! I am Sailor Mercury!
Dav: And pretty damn hot too!
Sailor Mercury: (Thinking) He's not so bad either.
Oh my hero, So far away now.
Will I ever see you smile?
Love goes away,
Like night into day,
It's just a fading dream.
Sailor Mercury: Dav? Why are YOU helping me?
Dav: (Unties her hands) Because I can.
Sailor Mercury: That's not it.
Dav: I have my reasons. Now come on let's get out of here!
Sailor Mercury: I appreciate your concern but I can barely walk. (Takes a few steps and collapses) And even if you could get me out of here you'd never be able to protect me.
Dav: I'll protect you.
Sailor Mercury: (Looks at him)
Dav: You have my word.
I'm the darkness,
You're the stars,
Our love is brighter that the sun.
For me there can be
Only you my chosen one.
Dav: Well you'd better get some sleep, you've had a really hard day.
Ami: What about you?
Dav: I'll be alright.
Ami: See that you are. Good night, Dav. (Kisses his cheek and lies down on the other side of the fire)
Dav: (Has this really surprised look on his face) Uh... good night.
Must I forget you?
Our solemn promise
Shall autumn take the place of spring?
What shall I do?
I'm lost without you
Speak to me once more.
Dav's voice (Seems to speak straight into her mind): Ami-chan...
Ami: (Lifts her head) No... it can't be.
Dav's voice: Ami-chan, it's me, you're not hearing things.
Ami: (Looks around) Dav, where are you?
Dav's voice: I'm on King Kai's planet and he's letting me speak to you through telepathy.
Ami: How did you get there so fast?
Dav's voice: Well...
(Dav quickly reiterates what happened to him in Heaven)
Dav's voice: And that's what happened since I died. Ami-chan, you've got to use the Dragon Balls to bring me back, it's the only possible way unless you can somehow get the Instant Plot Device-
King Kai's voice: Just add water!
Dav's voice: Factory back under your control.
Ami: I wish that were possible, but Ramza's henchmen set up a strong barrier around it and I haven't found its source yet.
Dav's voice: We'll worry about that later, but for now you've got to rally the others and get Kami to hurry up and make those Dragon Balls. While you do that, I'm going to train with King Kai and once I'm revived I'm going to make that Raditz guy sorry for separating us.
Ami: I will Dav, leave everything to me.
Dav's voice: I know I can trust you.
Ami: I'll ask Goku to take me there, tonight if possible.
Dav's voice: All right, better ask him to bring someone else along, anything could happen.
King Kai's voice: Hey! Only the first 10 minutes are free, after that I'll have to start billing you!
Dav's voice: I've got to go Ami-chan, I love you... (Fades out)
Ami: I love you too... (Cries a little as his voice fades and reminisces a little more)
We must part now,
My life goes on
But my heart won't give you up
Ere I walk away, let me hear you say
I meant as much to you...
Dav: I have an idea as well. (Turns to Sailor Mercury) Ami-chan, will you marry me?
Sailor Mercury: Of course!
Cait Sith: Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to... Do we really want to go through with all of this?
Cait Sith: Skip it then. Dav Cole, to you take Ami Mizuno to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Dav: You bet!
Cait Sith: Ami Mizuno, do you take Dav Cole to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Ami: I do.
Cait Sith: And by the power vested in me. And by the power behind Cid's threat to kill me if I don't help him repair the Highwind...
Cid: Damn right!
Cait Sith: I pronounce you man and wife! You may now kiss the bride.
Dav/Ami: (What else?)
So gently, You touched my heart.
I will be forever yours.
Come what may, I won't age a day
Ami: Don't worry Dav, I'll bring you back...
I'll wait for you, always...
End of Part One.
Author's Note: I can guarantee that the second part is going to be a lot longer than this first part, but to either add to your reading enjoyment or completely annoy you (it's your choice), here's an interlude fic.
Cait Sith's Friend's Theme
The Many Adventures of Cait Sith's Friend
#1: The Great Tequiladini
Author's Note: I wrote this for fun, it has no relevance to anything to the saga at all. Well... nothing involving kids anyway.
(In the AVALANCHE Hq.)
Tifa: (Chasing Cait's Friend around the bar with a nailed board) Come back here with those drinks you retarded dips**t!
Cait's Friend: (Is holding the last case of booze in the whole bar) Tequila man! (Dodges Tifa and gives her a raspberry)
Tifa: Dammit! (Trips over a chair)
Cloud: All we have to do is surround that little snot and tackle him.
Red XIII: An amazingly clever idea, only because it came from you, Cloud.
Cloud: Quiet, you!
Barret: Awright! On da count of three us four's gonna jump dat foo' an' knock him five ways outta next week!
Cait's Friend: (Taunting) Tequuuiiila! Teeequuuiila maaan!
Barret: One! Two! Uh... oh yeah... three!
Cloud/Tifa/Barret/Red: (Dive at Cait's Friend)
Cait's Friend: (Jumps over 'em)
Cloud/Tifa/Barret/Red: (All hit each other's head and get knocked out)
Cait's Friend: Tequila man! (Chugs every last drink in the bar)
Vincent: (Is just meditating) They should have learned to give up a long time ago.
(A few minutes later)
Aeris: (Comes walking in with a Paintball uniform that barely has any marks on it) Incoming! 'Cause we're coming in, right?
Vegeta: (Walks in almost completely covered with paint) Yeah, great. But damn, you're the only one who's ever hit me!
Aeris: All part of the training. (Winks) Ready for another session?
Vegeta: Hell yeah! But where is everyone?
Aeris: They're coming.
Ami: (Walks in and is about as marked up as Aeris) That certainly was fun, come on in guys!
Minako: (Is also hardly marked) It would have been better if Cait's Friend had gone, too.
Vegeta: Tequila freak? Ha! He would have either stayed at the liquor store across the street or you two would have made out on the field.
Minako: I know, isn't he great? (Sighs dreamily)
Vegeta: (Sweatdrops and scowls)
Cid/Cait/Dav: (Walk in and are as marked up as Vegeta)
Cait Sith: I still say you guys were too easy on 'em!
Dav: Shove it, cat!
Cid: You were the one who wanted us all to team up against the b***hes, then you chickened out every time time you had a clear shot of her! (Points at Ami)
Dav: I have my reasons, but you forget, I got more hits than both of you combined!
Cid: (Realizes that he's right) D'oh, poopie!
Cait Sith: Speak for yourself, it'll take weeks to get this paint outta my circuits!
Yuffie: (Walks in and is 100% covered in paint) Dammit! You all didn't have to tie me down and do execution style!
Cid: Heh, it was fun b***h!
Dav: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the shower.
Ami: Wait for me! (They go into their room)
Vegeta: They've got the right idea.
Aeris: What are we waiting for? (Pulls Vegeta into their room)
Cid: Let those dips**ts do what they want, I need some goddamn tea!
Minako: Don't you ever stop cussing?
Cid: Maybe I will if you get naked for me.
Minako: Hell no!
Cid: And you say I've got a problem?
Yuffie: We all know that the old man is a perverted bastard.
Cid: $%@$%&*@$^&%#^#%*@$^%*$^%&*#%&*#%^(*#%^*$&*!!! (Pulls out a mop, breaks the handle, and uses the jagged edge to stab Yuffie repeatedly)
Yuffie: Ack! I regret nothing! (Dies)
Woody (From Toy Story): (Runs in) Yes! Thank you, Sid!
Cid: That's "Cid" with a C, dumb@$$! (Shoves the mop handle up Woody's @$$)
Woody: (Runs out screaming like a girl) You're supposed to play nice! (Disappears)
Cid: Now, let's get those drinks! (Walks toward the kitchen)
Cait Sith: How could he tell the letter difference?
Minako: I dunno.
(The three enter the kitchen to see Cait's Friend passed out, Vincent still in meditation, and the four guards still unconscious)
Cid: Good, tequila freak didn't drink my tea! (Opens a can of Lipton) Yoooo! That's brisk, baby! (Chugs it) Now, what happened to my goddamn hash?!
Minako: Cait's Friend?! (Checks for a pulse) Oh no, he's dead again!
Cait's Friend: (Burps)
Cait Sith: Naw, just drunk.
Minako: Oh, maybe I should start checking for a pulse at the neck instead of-
Cid/Cait: WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE!
Minako: I wonder how he got the drinks this time.
Everyone: (Looks at Vincent)
Vincent: I saw nothing...
(Later, once everyone but Cait's Friend, who is still drunk, is either cleaned up or awake)
Tifa: Cait Sith, your friend has cost me so much money that I've had to send away to NASA to calculate his bar tab.
Moe: You and me both!
Tifa: And the result they sent is too big for any of the computers on the Planet to calculate.
Cait Sith: (Eating ice cream) And your point is?
Cloud: WHAT SHE'S SAYING, YOU DAMN CAT, is that if your friend doesn't start paying his bills then she's going to send him to hell and ensure he can never be revived again!
Cait Sith: Oh, that would be a bad thing.
Minako: (Jumps up and picks Cait up by his neck) WHAT KIND OF FRIEND ARE YOU?!?!?!
Ami: You're his girlfriend, Minako-chan.
The guys: Don't remind us!
Red XIII: (Covers his eyes)
The guys: (Puke into Red XIII's bowl)
Red XIII: (Opens his eyes) Huh? I'm clean?! But now I'm hungry.
Ami: Maybe you should talk to him and try to find a way for him to pay for his drinks.
Vegeta: It'll be a while before she can do anything. Tequila @$$ isn't going to move for quite a while, and not even our playing AVALANCHE Zone at full volume will get him up.
Dav: Heh, the most noise from that is because you're a sore loser.
Vegeta: At least I don't cheat.
Dav: I don't cheat!
Vegeta: Yeah right!
Dav: Do not!
Vegeta: Do to!
Dav: DO NOT!
Vegeta: DO TO!
Dav: NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT!
Vegeta: TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO!
Dav: Oh yeah!
Dav: Oh yeah!!!
Dav: OH YEAH!!! (Draws both of his swords)
Vegeta: YEAH!!! (Starts powering up)
Aeris: Hold on you two, go settle this with a game of AVALANCHE Zone.
Dav: She's right.
Dav/Vegeta: (Head downstairs)
Cait's Friend: (Doesn't stir)
Ami: At least that proves his point.
Minako: That's strange, it's never a problem for me. (Walks towards her room) Time for bed, Cait's Friend.
Cid: What is that b***h doing?! It's only 2 o'clock!
Cait's Friend: V-Babe! (Gets up and is with her in the bedroom before anyone can blink)
Almost everyone: Uh... okay...
Dav/Vegeta: (Can be heard arguing downstairs)
Red XIII: (Realizes what he's eating) NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!
(In the bedroom, don't worry, nothing's going on yet)
Steve/Joe/Bob: Aw... damn!
Minako: Before we get started, I have to talk to you about something.
Cait's Friend: Tequila?
Minako: Your friends think that you should pay for your drinks from now on.
Cait's Friend: TEQUILA?!
Minako: (Nods) Mm hm, so that means you'll have to get a job.
Cait's Friend: Tequila, tequila man!
Minako: WHAT?! You already have an idea?
Cait's Friend: Tequila tequila tequila!
Minako: You mean you used to study magic tricks?!
Cait's Friend: (Nods) Tequila man!
Minako: Wow, 2 days of training. You were very dedicated!
Cait's Friend: (Blushes) Tequila.
Minako: I see, you want to put on performances and get some money to pay your tab!
Cait's Friend: TEQUILA!
Minako: Okay, all you need is your equipment, which is in storage most likely?
Cait's Friend: (Nods)
Minako: What about a name?
Cait's Friend: (Shakes his head)
Minako: Okay. How about... (Thinks as hard as she can) Cait's Friend the Magician?
Cait's Friend: Tequila!
Minako: Don't like it? The what about, the Amazing Tequila Man?
Cait's Friend: TEQUILA!!!
Minako: All right, all right. The last idea I have is the Great Tequiladini.
Cait's Friend: (Gets a HUGE smile on his face) Tequila man!
Minako: Oh good! Now we'll need someone to be your agent-
Cait Sith: (Bursts into the room) Friend, I'll be your agent, band manager, make-up artist, roadie-
Cait Sith: And only for 10% of the profits, plus insurance, labor, management, and anything else that I make up- I mean- comes up.
Cait's Friend: (Nods) Tequila man!
Cait Sith: Thank you! (Pulls out a contract)
Cait's Friend: (Signs with an X)
Cait Sith: (Leaves)
Minako: Well then, now all that's left is an assistant.
Cait's Friend: V-Babe! (Points to Minako)
Minako: You want me to be your assistant?!
Cait's Friend: (Nods) Tequila V-Babe!
Minako: (Gets a bigger smile than Cait's Friend) REALLY?! Oh cool! I won't let you down! (Thinks) ~This is my big chance to not only get in better with Cait's Friend, but break into show business as well! I'm gonna wear such a great outfit that he'll want to keep me around forever!~ (Laughs maniacally)
Cait's Friend: V-Babe?
Minako: Oh, nothing. We'll go get everything for your act tomorrow. But for now...
Cait's Friend: Tequila, tequila, tequila! (Tackles Minako onto the bed and well... you know.)
Steve/Joe/Bob: HEY! NO FAIR!
(The next day, at Gongaga Village)
Dav: I don't see why I had to come, just because he lived in the same village I did for four years!
Minako: Stop pouting! You've lived here most of your life so you know this place a lot better than we do, do you remember where Cait's Friend lived before the explosion?
Dav: I WAS OFF IN THE F**KING ARMY WHEN THE REACTOR EXPLODED!!! (Suddenly gets shocked from behind) Huh?!
Ami: (Puts her stun gun away) I warned you. Plus, this'll be a good opportunity for you to show me your family's grave, you promised you would.
Dav: Yeah, I remember.
Ami: And after that we can... (whispers something to him)
Dav: (Grins) Oh... hee hee hee.
Minako: You guys go ahead, where's Cait's Friend?
Cait Sith: I last saw him heading for one of the houses at the front of the village.
Minako: You mean this one? (Walks inside)
Cait Sith: NO! NOT THAT ONE!!!
Minako: (Doesn't hear him) Hello? Is anyone here?
Zack's Mom: Hello, do you know our son?
Minako: Uh... not really... I-
Zack's Dad: He went off to join the army several years ago.
Zack's Mom: We've never gotten a letter since. Have you seen him?
Zack's Dad: If you do see him please let him know we're thinking about him.
Zack's Mom: Are you a close friend of his?
Minako: Huh? I don't know, ask Dav about-
Zack's Mom: How rude of him not to introduce you to us.
Minako: But I-
Zack's Dad: How long have you two been going out?
Minako: Going out?! I-
Zack's Mom: Oh that's wonderful, you ARE his girlfriend!
Minako: Listen lady! I-
Zack's Dad: You're getting married to him? Why wouldn't he tell us!
Zack's Mom: Do you know our son?
Zack's Dad: He went off to join the army several years ago.
Minako: AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH!!!! (Runs out of the house screaming and pulling her hair)
Cait Sith: I warned you.
Minako: Why are you here, anyway?!
Cait Sith: So I can get money for the extra labor.
Minako: I thought he was your friend! (Throws Cait into Zack's house and seals the door)
Cait Sith: NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!! (Starts clawing at the door)
Zack's Mom: Do you know our son?
Cait's Friend: (Calls from somewhere) V-Babe!
Minako: Coming! (Finds Cait's Friend at the entrance to his house)
Cait's Friend: Tequila Man!
Minako: You found everything already?
Cait's Friend: (Nods and points to a few large boxes near him)
Minako: Cool! Lets get the others to help us haul this stuff back.
Cait's Friend: (Nods)
Minako: (Goes back to Zack's house and lets Cait out)
Cait Sith: (Is drooling like a vegetable) I don't- What are- No more! (Starts crying)
Cait's Friend: Tequila?
Minako: He's okay, now where'd Dav and Ami-chan go? (Opens the door to Dav's old house) ACK!
Ami: (Is in her swimsuit and making out with Dav on his bed)
Dav: (Is kissing her neck and sees Minako) DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO KNOCK?!?!?!
Ami: (Glares angrily at Minako)
Minako: (Slams the door shut) Um... we'll load the stuff ourselves...
Cait's Friend (Wide-eyed): (Nods) Tequila...
Minako: Come on.
Cait's Friend: V-Babe, tequila?!
Minako: (Turns red) I... don't know, I'll think about it. (Heads back to Cait's Friend's house)
Cait's Friend: (Picks Cait up by the back of the neck and follows her)
(An hour later, the practice begins... brace yourself)
Cait's Friend: (Wearing a cheesy tuxedo) Tequila man!
Minako: (Is lying in a box) I'm ready. But are you sure you can cut me in half so soon?
Vegeta: I don't know why the hell I agreed to be part of this test audience!
Cid: Shaddap, Saiyan pussy! (Has a video camera) This should be good if there are mistakes!
Cait Sith: Quiet, you! *Ahem* For his first trick, the Great Tequiladini-
Cait's Friend: (Whacks 'em over the head with a tequila bottle) Tequila man!
Cait Sith: Thank you. The Great Tequiladini will saw his assistant in half.
Minako: You be careful, Friend.
Cait's Friend: (Nods) Tequila tequila tequila, V-Babe! (Pulls out a chainsaw)
Cait's Friend: (Starts to cut through the box)
Cait Sith: (Notices something) Uh oh... HEY FREIND! YOU'RE USING THE WRONG SAW!!!
Cait's Friend: (Finishes cutting and looks) Tequila...
Minako: What do you mean by "oops"?!
Vegeta: Did you get all that?
Cid: (Is recording) Hell yeah!
Cait Sith: I'll go get the duct tape.
(Later that week)
Cait Sith: I've got good news, Friend, I just booked your first performance.
Cait's Friend: (Chugging a Tequila) Tequila man!
Minako: That's great! Where?
Cait Sith: Wall Market.
Minako: Cool! That's the most prestigious place in Midgar!
Cloud: It's sad, I know.
Minako: Quiet, you!
Cait's Friend: V-Babe, tequila man!
Minako: Huh? Yeah I've got my assistant's outfit ready.
Cait's Friend: Tequila?!
Minako: No, you can't see it until the show. (Smiles) And maybe afterwards as well.
Cait's Friend: V-BABE!!!
Cloud: (Pukes, the vomit disappears, and reappears Red XIII, who is in a different room)
Red XIII: WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE ME?!?!?!
Dyne: Because I said so!
Minako: When do we perform?
Cait Sith: Two days from now.
(Two days from now at the Wall Market Performance Hall, AKA the Honey Bee Inn)
Cait Sith: (Speaking through megaphone) Ladies and gentlemen, the show will begin in just a few minutes! Please be patient! We'll start just as soon as The Great Tequiladini, who is trapped in his dressing room, finds a way out!
Perverts in Audience (Actually, audience of perverts): What the hell is this?! Bring on the girls!
Minako: (Sticks her head out from behind the curtain and whispers something to Cait)
Cait Sith: Okay, it looks like everything is in order. And now, presenting... The Great Tequiladini!
(The 20th Century Fox theme plays as Cait's Friend walks out in his cheesy tuxedo and trips)
Nelson: HA HA!!!
Cait's Friend: (Stands up and bows) Tequila man! (Points to the offstage area)
Cait Sith: The Great Tequiladini would like to introduce his assistant, who only got this job because she's sleeping with him-
Audience: (Puke all over Red XIII)
Red XIII: Now I know why you made me come! (Cries)
Cait Sith: (Continues) the lovely Minako Aino! (Looks at his script and mutters) Yep, she threatened the author so he'd put that line in.
Minako: (Walks out wearing a white thong, long white gloves, white heels, and a white bow in her hair)
Cait's Friend: V-BABE!!! (Starts drooling)
Perverts in Audience: OOOOOHHHH YEAH BAAAABYYYY!!!! (Drool on Red XIII)
Red XIII: Nnnnnnooooo!!! (Runs out of the auditorium)
Perverts/Steve/Bob/Joe: (Start taking thousands of pictures)
Cait Sith: For his first trick, the Great Tequiladini will...
(Cait's Friend starts off with simple tricks that we've all seen and since nothing funny happens, I'll skip it)
Audience: (Applaud and whistle... at Minako)
Cait's Friend: (Bows and walks off stage)
Minako: (Follows him)
Cait Sith: We will now have a brief intermission. (Walks off)
Pervert 1: Man I'd do anything to get a night with that assistant of his!
Pervert 20: I wouldn't mind a few squeezes of her @$$ myself!
Pervert 2001: Then why don't we take her for ourselves?!
Pervert 34: Yeah! After the show we'll make sure we all get our share!
Pervert 1098: Let's do it!
(In the dressing room)
Minako: (Finishes putting her thong back on) Do you feel better? Not so nervous now?
Cait's Friend: (Nods) V-Babe!
Minako: Ok, let's get ready for the second half. (Leaves)
Cait's Friend: (Nods and feels something) Tequila... (Pulls out his Tequila-O-Meter and notices his reading is "Low") Tequila man. (Pulls out a few bottles and starts chugging)
(5 Minutes later)
Minako: (Walks back in) Are you ready to- AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
Cait Sith: (Storms in) What happened?!
Minako: (Points) HE'S DRUNK!!!
Cait's Friend: (Is staggering around holding the last bottle) Tequila man!
Minako: How did this happen?! I thought I hid every bottle he had hidden in here!
Cait Sith: He'll be okay, he could perform surgery while drunk. Maybe even do a better job than if sober. Let's go. (Leaves)
Minako: (Walks out pulling Cait's Friend)
(Back in the auditorium)
Cait Sith: And now, on with the show!
Minako: (Drags Cait's Friend back on stage)
Cait's Friend: Tequila man! (Staggers)
Cait Sith: And now the Great Tequiladini will perform the magic rope trick!
Minako: (Holds out a box)
Cait's Friend: (Flourishes his hands a bit, the rope comes out of the box. He moves it around a little bit, but then passes out and the rope wraps itself around Minako and ties her arms up)
Minako: What the...? Hey! Wake up!
Cait's Friend: (Is REALLY out of it)
Pervert 151: Now's our chance! Get her!
Perverts: (Rush towards the stage)
Cait Sith: HALT! (Stands there with one hand out)
Pervert 777: Shove the cat! (Picks Cait up, shoves him into a garbage can, and places a rock on top)
Cait Sith: Hey! NO FAIR!!!
Pervert 13: Now let's get the chick!
Minako: ACK! (Starts to run for the side door but steps on one of the tequila bottles, slips, and falls) Oh poopy!
Perverts: (Grab Minako and start to carry her out)
Pervert 20: (Squeezes her @$$ a few times) My dream finally came true!
Minako: Hey! You'd better put me down right now! (Tries to find her transformation pen) Oh s**t! I left it in the dressing room! Friend! WAKE UP!!! (Gets carried out)
Cait's Friend: (Is dreaming that he's swimming in an ocean of tequila and drinks it all)
Minako's Voice: FFFFFRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIEEEEeeeeennnnnnddddd...!!! (Fades out)
Cait's Friend: (Mumbles in his sleep) Tequila... V-Babe...
Cait Sith: (Manages to get out of the trash can) Friend, are you just going to let 'em take her like that?! She's what's going to bring up the attendance numbers at your performances! (Jumps high and lands on Cait's Friend's nuts)
Cait's Friend: (Eyes pop open) TTTEEEQQQQUUUUIIIILLLLAAAAA!!! (Rolls around on the floor for a while)
(Meanwhile, in the streets of Wall Market)
Minako: I TOLD YOU TO PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW!!!
Pervert 180230423: Quiet, you! We're taking you to our headquarters. You'll make a nice addition to our collection.
Minako: NNNNNOOOOO!!! (Thrashes around trying to make them drop her)
Pervert 1: Hold her tight, boys! We can't let this one get away!
Perverts: YES, SIR!!!
Minako: (Feels nauseous)
Voice: Mind if I join in?
Pervert 204: Who the hell are you?!
Voice: Hoo hee hoo hee hoo hee! (Reveals himself)
Pervert 223534: Oh s**t it's HIM!
Don Corneo: I'll take her if you don't mind.
Pervert 1232: Over our dead bodies!
Don Corneo: Exactly what I had in mind. (Pulls out a nude picture of the hottest babe in the world and throws it into a giant trash compactor)
Perverts: NO! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!! (Drop Minako and run into the compactor, only to all get crushed.
Minako: (Lands on her butt) Ow... thanks for helping me.
Don Corneo: Why do you think I would help you? Is it because...?
(1) I always save anyone being kidnapped by those guys.
(2) I want you for myself.
(3) I kill people for the hell of it.
Minako: Um... one?
Don Corneo: Bzzt! Wrong answer! *Picks her back up and carries her towards his mansion.*
(Back in the auditorium)
Cait's Friend: V-Babe tequila?!?!?!?!
Cait Sith: Damn right she's been kidnapped!
Cait's Friend: TEQUILA!!! (Does the Cloud Strife Freakout)
Cait Sith: What are you waiting for?! Go save her and you'll get the best pleasure you've ever had your life!
Cait's Friend: (Gets up) Tequila man! (Rips his tuxedo off, revealing a Superman type costume underneath with a large T on the chest and flies out of there)
Cait Sith: Huh?
Dyne: Haven't you ever figured it out yet? He's Tequila Man! He stands for truth, justice, and drunken rampages!
Cait Sith: Oh...
(At Corneo's mansion)
Don Corneo: Scotch! Kotch! I don't want any disturbance for the next year!
Scotch/Kotch: Yes sir! (Seal the door behind the Don and Minako when they go inside the bedroom.)
Cait's Friend: (Bursts in through the front door) V-BABE!
Scotch: Who the hell is this?!
Cait's Friend: Tequila Man!
Kotch: Whatever, let's get 'im!
Scotch/Kotch: (Charge Cait's Friend)
Cait's Friend: Tequila! (Quickly chugs another bottle then breaks it over Scotch's head)
Scotch: I lost to the superior booze! (Dies)
Cait's Friend: (Shoves the broken bottle up Kotch's @$$)
Kotch: AH!!! MY @$$! MY F**KIN' @$$!!! (Runs out into the streets screaming)
Cait's Friend: (Knocks over the bedroom door to see...)
Minako: (Lying on the bed repeatedly kicking the Don in the nuts every time he tries to get near her) Friend! You came!
Cait's Friend: V-Babe!
Don Corneo: What the hell?! How dare you disturb the best time of my life! (Tries to jump on Cait's Friend)
Cait's Friend: (Moves aside, opens another bottle and pours it all over Corneo)
Don Corneo: Oh crap! My favorite outfit!
Cait's Friend: (Pulls out a strange horn and blows into it, the sound is heard throughout all the city)
Minako: What was that supposed to do?
Cait's Friend: (Winks at her)
Don Corneo: (Tries to wring the tequila out of his clothes)
Kefka: (Appears out of nowhere) Who summoned me?
Cait's Friend: (Points at Corneo) Tequila!
Kefka: Whohohohohohoho! Something to burn! (Sets Corneo on fire)
Don Corneo: Oh s**t!! (Rolls around trying to put it out)
Minako: (Kicks the switch to open the trap door)
Don Corneo: (Falls into the sewers and gets eaten by the alligators down there)
Cait's Friend: V-Babe! (Starts to untie her)
Minako: Wait until after we get home. (Grins at him)
Cait's Friend: (Gets a VERY big smile on his face) Tequila tequila tequila! (Picks her up and runs out of the mansion)
Kefka: Whohohohohohohohohohohoho!!! (Sets the mansion, and himself, on fire)
(Back in the streets)
Minako: Hey Friend! Slow down!
Cait's Friend: Tequila? (Isn't watching where he's going, steps on another bottle, drops Minako, hits his head on the corner of a dumpster, splits it open, and dies.)
Minako: Oh my God! You killed Cait's Friend! You bastard!
Dyne: So sue me.
(A new batch of perverts walk by)
Pervert 17: Hey! Lookie what we got here!
Author's Note: And now, the rest of the story...
Ramza's Last Stand
Part 2: To Namek and Back Again
Reminder: By Dyne
(At King Kai's planet)
Dav: What the hell was that sudden outburst for?
King Kai: I was serious about charging you for your calls, you know.
Dav: When did you start that?
King Kai: Since Gregory turned into a pimp, he's been calling his girlfriends day and night!
Dav: Uh... can we start the training now?
King Kai: Not just yet. First of all you must be tested.
Dav: I'm ready for anything.
King Kai (Sunglasses gleam in the sunlight): Your first task is to make me laugh. Otherwise you won't get any training from me. No way, no how, no siree.
Dav: (Face vaults again) A joke? Oh crap... (Thinks for a moment) Why did the banana ride the skateboard?
King Kai: HEY!!! That's the same joke I told Goku earlier in the fic! I need an original joke, or just say something funny.
Dav: How about this? Chargogaggogmanchaugagoggchaubunagungamaugg!
Author's Note: That's a real word, it's a Native American name for a lake that means, "You fish on your side, I'll fish on my side, and no one will fish in the middle."
King Kai: You think something that sounds so ridiculous will... (Bursts out laughing and is rolling around on the ground) WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Dav: Looks like I'm going to be waiting a while. (Pulls out his Game Boy again and sits, waiting for King Kai to stop laughing.) Hey sweet, this thing evolved into an Advance!
(An hour later, on Earth. Ami, Vegeta, Goku, and Krillin, have flown to Kami's Tower.)
Vegeta: Tell me, Mr. Poopoo, does Kami have a new batch of Dragon Balls yet?
Mr. Popo: It's Mr. Popo.
Vegeta: (Shrugs) Whatever.
Ami: We need them to revive my husband once King Kai has finished training him. (Looks down at herself and puts a hand on her stomach) Hopefully it will be before it's too late...
Mr. Popo: You're in luck. The process of creating seven Dragon Balls is very complex and painful for Kami, but he should be finishing the seventh one soon.
Goku: I've always wondered exactly how Kami makes 'em.
Krillin: From what Mr. Popo is saying, I don't think it's pretty.
Kami: (Calls from inside) Mr. Popo! Bring me that jar of Vaseline outside!
Mr. Popo: (Grabs the jar and starts running towards the lookout) Hold onto it for just a little longer, Kami!
Goku: What the...
Vegeta: I don't think we want to know.
Goku: Hey Vegeta, why'd you follow us here, anyway?
Vegeta: It's none of your business!
Kami: I can't! I'm not going to make it!
Mr. Popo: Oh no! Everyone take cover! (Hits the dirt)
Kami: (Lets loose an incredibly huge fart that creates a shock wave outside.)
Mr. Popo: (Drops the jar of Vaseline and breaks it.)
Ami: (Gets blown back and stops short of just falling over the edge.) Whew... t-too close...
Goku/Vegeta: (Manage to block the force of the blast.)
Krillin: (Gets blown completely off the tower and plummets toward the ground.) MOOOOOOMMMMMMMMYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...!!!
Mr. Popo: (Stands up) That happens every time he creates another ball if I can't get the Vaseline to him on time.
Ami: So the Dragon Balls-
Goku: Are nothing more than-
Vegeta: Namek s**t?!
Ami: I don't care, as long as they work.
Krillin: (Manages to fly back up) Hey guys, what'd I miss?
Vegeta: Don't ask!
Kami: (Walks out carrying a bag with the seven Dragon Balls) I'm sorry to keep you waiting, but I have all seven balls ready. The last one may be a little warm for a while.
Goku: You take 'em Krillin, then let's get out of here.
Krillin: Okay... (Takes the bag but as he walks back to the group, he slips on the Vaseline and slides all the way off the edge again.)
Goku/Vegeta/Ami: (Slap their foreheads) D'oh!
Krillin: (Plummets again) OH S*****************t....!!! (Drops the Dragon Balls)
(On the ground)
Quistis: (Is out stargazing and sees a shooting star.) Maybe I should wish that my game didn't suck so much.
The Star: (Turns out to be the Dragon Balls, they fall out of the sky and hit Quistis on the head.)
Quistis: Never mind... (Dies)
The Dragon Balls: (Shatter)
(Back up on the tower)
Goku: (Looks over the edge) Krillin! Are you okay?!
Krillin: (Climbs back up again) Yeah, but I dropped the Dragon Balls.
Kami: Damn, I guess I have to start over. (Walks back into the lookout)
Mr. Popo: It will take him almost a year to make all seven again.
Ami: (Turns to Krillin) YOU F**KING IDIOT!!! (The blue glow surrounds her again)
Vegeta: Turn around, Kakarot, this isn't pretty to watch.
Goku/Vegeta/Popo: (Look away as Ami utterly beats the crap out of Krillin and throws him over the side, off the tower again.)
Krillin: (Again plummets) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...!!!
(Below the lookout, at Karin's palace)
Karin: (Watches Krillin fall by) That was the third time, I won the bet.
Yajirobe: (Hands over his discount pass for every fast food place in the world) $^$%$#$@%&@$&%^*&@^^%% cat...
Karin: Heh heh heh. (Licks his lips)
(Back on top)
Ami: (Finally calms down) What are we going to do now?! (Does the Cloud Strife Freakout (TM))
Goku: I've got an idea. (Closes his eyes) King Kai, can you hear me?
King Kai's voice: (He's still laughing)
Dav's voice: You might be waiting a while, Goku, he hasn't stopped in an hour.
Ami: Dav? Have you started your training?
Dav's Voice: Not yet, nothing's happened since I said something funny to Laughing Boy.
Goku: Hey, you sound perfectly all right. You've adjusted to the gravity that quickly?
Dav's voice: I have to cheat a little for now. I had to cast Float, but after another week or two I won't need it.
King Kai's voice: (Stops laughing) What did I tell you about making calls without permission?! Bad boy, no training for you!
Goku: Ah c'mon King Kai, he's still young, give him a chance.
King Kai's voice: All right, all right, I'll train him. What did you need to ask me, Goku?
Goku: Earth's Dragon Balls have been destroyed again and I remember how you told me that Namek had been restored.
King Kai's voice: Yes, I remember.
Goku: Is there any chance that the original inhabitants of the planet are back there too?
King Kai's voice: That's a good idea, let me check. (Focuses)
Krillin: (Is back up and hanging onto the edge)
Ami: (Begins to feel dizzy again.) I've got to... stop using all... of my energy... like that... (Stumbles around along the edge and steps on Krillin's fingers.)
Krillin: OW!!! (Lets go and falls) NOT AGAAAAAIIiiiiiinnnnnn...!!!
Goku: Look out!
Ami: (Faints again and falls over.)
Goku: (Is about to fly down-)
Vegeta: (Jumps off, catches Ami, and brings her back up.)
Vegeta: Dammit Kakarot! You and Aeris are making me too soft! (Thinks) ~There kid, I don't owe you anymore favors!~
King Kai's voice: Goku? Are you there?
Goku: Yeah, I'm here.
King Kai's Voice: I've got good news, there are again 100 people on the old planet Namek. You can go get the Dragon Balls at your leisure.
Vegeta: Well then, we'll have to get a ship and leave right away. Who knows what other weird s**t will happen if those Instant Plot Devices-
Krillin: (Climbs back up again and is covered with bruises and out of breath) Just... add... water...!
Vegeta: Shut up, you! (Punches Krillin and knocks him off yet again.)
Krillin: WHY MMMMMEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeee...!!!
(Again at Karin's palace)
Karin: Ha! I knew there'd be a fifth time! Now you have to give me your most precious possession!
Yajirobe: No! Not my-
Karin: Yes! Your gift certificate for a lifetime supply of doughnuts!
Yajirobe: NNNNNNOOOOOoooooooooooo....!!! (Jumps out of the palace, catches up to Krillin, they land on Quistis's body, and form a HUGE crater, causing the whole tower to lean a little.)
(Back on top)
Goku: You take her back to Midgar, I'll go round up the others and meet you at the Hideout in the morning. From there we'll decide who's going and who's staying. (Takes off)
Krillin: Goku... wait for me! (Follows him, but not before getting attacked by a flock of mad ducks.)
Vegeta: Hmph! (Takes Ami back to Midgar.)
(Back at King Kai's planet)
King Kai: Now that all that's been taken care of, let's begin the training. (Sunglasses gleam in sunlight)
Dav: I'm ready for anything.
King Kai: (Chuckles and says to himself) They always say that. (Shouts) BUBBLES!!!
Bubbles: (Is playing Poker with Gregory, Donkey Kong, and Jimminy Cricket. He's got all the money.) Ooo! Ooo! AAH! (Comes over)
Dav: (Blinks) Wha...?
King Kai: I usually never do this, but I'm going to have you catch Bubbles twice. After the first time I want you to turn off that floating spell.
Dav: I get it, to get used to the gravity.
King Kai: No way! Watching you walk around on nothing really creeps me out!
Dav: (Sweatdrops) Ok...
King Kai: Run like the wind, Bubbles!
Bubbles: (Takes off)
Dav: (Puts the Rocket Skates back on and goes after him)
King Kai: (Watches this for a few minutes then walks over to Gregory) How'd you do?
Gregory: (Is crying) Don't ask!
Donkey Kong: (Shouts and pounds his chest in victory)
(At Sephiroth's shack)
Sephiroth: Sweet damn! That was the best time ever there!
Bob: Good thing you came or we'd have never won that free week for being the billionth and billionth and first customers.
Sephiroth: Who'd you get paired up with?
Bob: The best of the best! She had pinkish hair, was dressed in a dancer outfit, and claimed to be a princess. We got it on all week!
(There's a knock at the door)
Bob: Someone's at the door.
Sephiroth: Shut up, you! I know that already! (Opens it)
Fry (From Futurerama): Yeah, I got a pizza here for a Mr- hey aren't you THE Sephiroth?!
Sephiroth: Yeah, whaddya want?
Fry: Can I have your autograph?! (Pulls out a sheet of paper)
Sephiroth: Cool! I finally have a fan! (Pulls out a pen that looks like the Masamune with a rubber Cloud head impaled through it.)
Fry: Just sign on the dotted line.
Bob: I don't know about this, Dad, what's all that text he's covering up?
Sephiroth/Fry: Shut up, you!
Sephiroth: (Signs) There, now where's my pizza?
Fry: I ate it, keep the autograph. Right now I'd better find Bender before he gets into another drinking contest with that guy in a cat mask. (Leaves)
Sephiroth: What the hell was that all about?
Bob: (Reads the paper) Uh... Dad, take a look.
Sephiroth: Hmm... (Reads) "You are hereby ordered to report to the Midgar Court of Infernal affairs for-" A SUMMONS?!?!?!
Bob: I warned you.
Sephiroth: Shut up, you! Eve's taking me to court, eh? I'm going to fight it! I just need a lawyer.
A voice: Excuse me sir, I was just hiding in your garbage when I heard you were in need of a lawyer.
Sephiroth: Yeah, who are you?
Bob: Aren't you Lionel Hutz, Attorney at Law?
Dave: Shut up you! I'm the author! I've been in hiding for the past months, Rei won't believe me when I say I already have a girlfriend! (Author's note: You're welcome SL). Just tell me your case and I'll see what I can do.
Sephiroth: (Explains what the hell's going on with him and Eve).
(The next morning, at the Hideout)
Cid: YOU %&$#%%^#!$^@$%&@$#%^*@$(%)&@$*^)&@$%)&*@$%)&@%)^&(@$%^)&*@$%)^(*@$)%(^&@$)%&*@$)%&*@)#%*^)@#%*(^&)!#(%!)()$%@*&)@$%*&)@$*%&)@$%(^@)$%(&*@$)%*&@$)^&*$)%&*@)$%*^&@)$%*&@)$%*&@)$%*&@)$%*&)@$%*&@$)* MONKEY!!! HOW COULD YOU DO SOMETHING SO F**KING STUPID!?!?!?!?
Barret: Shaddap foo'! It was your fault cause you a goddamn sore loser!
Cid: Oh yeah!
Cid: Oh yeah!!!
Cid: OH YEAH!!!!!
Cid/Barret: (Start beating the crap outta each other)
Cloud: (Comes downstairs) What the hell is going on down here?! Break it up! (Tries to break up the fight but gets dragged into it)
Cid/Barret: (End up only beating the crap out of Cloud)
Vincent: (Walks in and fires his gun into the air again)
(Onboard the Flutter)
Roll: (Is piloting and feels a huge rocking in the ship) What the HELL was that?!
Megaman: (Runs into the cockpit) Roll! something just hit us directly in the engine room! We're going down!
Data: (Panics and runs around the room) AHHHH!!! We're all going to die!
Megaman/Roll: Shut up, Data! That's your reaction to everything!
Data: We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna die---!!!
Roll: Hold on, I'm going to try and make this as landing as soft as possible!
Megaman: OK! (Jumps on top of Roll)
Roll: Ack! What are you doing?!
Megaman: (Does his little victory thing)
Flutter: (Crash lands into the ocean)
Megaman/Roll/Data: (Get knocked out from impact)
(Back in the Hideout)
Cid/Barret: (Continue pummeling Cloud thinking they're hitting each other)
Cait Sith: It didn't work, Vince.
Vincent: Huh? What didn't work? I shot them down, didn't I?
Cait Sith: (Sweatdrops) Never mind. (Pulls out megaphone) BREAK IT UP!!!
Cid/Barret: (Don't stop)
Tifa: (Comes downstairs) Give me that! (Grabs Cait's megaphone) All right you jack@$$es, break it up right now or all you'll get to eat is Vincent's tarts for a week!
Vincent: And they'll be strawberry!
Cid/Barret: (Stop fighting and stand up) It's his f**king fault! (Point to each other)
Cloud (Broken and bleeding): Um... could I get a REALLY big Band-Aid?
Krillin: (Also broken and bleeding next to Cloud): I need it more than you...
Tifa: How the hell did you get back here?!
Krillin: I dunno, I was teleporting with Goku back to Kame house, but something must've gone wrong.
Tifa: Anyway, what the hell were you idiots doing!?
Cid: It was the goddamn monkey's fault! He stepped on the Playstation 2 and crushed the damn thing!
Barret: You was da one who pushed me ya damn redneck! (Picks Krillin up by the ankle and uses him as a club to beat the s**t out of Cid)
Krillin: OW! Why... OW! is... OW! it... OW! always... OW! ME?! OW!
Cloud/Tifa/Cait/Vince: You dips**ts broke our PS2?! NNNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnnoooooooOOOOOOOOoooooo!!!! (Do the Cloud Strife Freakout as the camera zooms in and out on 'em)
Vegeta/Red: (Come down)
Vegeta: What the hell is all that shouting?! From the sound of it you'd think someone broke our PS2!
Cid (Still getting beaten): That's... OW! exactly... SUNNUVA! what... S**T! the hell... F**K! happened! $%$%^*#%^*%^*^$&*^&!!!
Vegeta/Red: WHAT?! NNNNNNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! (Do the C-S Freakout and blah blah blah).
Aeris/Pants/A-Ko: (Also come down and, to make a long story short, also end up doing the Cloud Strife Freakout when they find out what happened.)
Minako: (Comes downstairs wearing a bathrobe) What's all this noise about?! Can't a girl take a bath in peace?!
Everyone: (Points to Cid and/or Barret, Cid and Barret point to each other.) IT'S HIS FAULT!!!
Minako: (Sighs) Whatever. I should've known. (Heads back upstairs but her robe gets caught in the elevator and when she steps off...)
Minako: ACK!!! (Streaks back into the bathroom)
Joe: (Holding a camera) The service and food here are great, but nobody can beat the floor show!
Sharky: Why did I ever stop coming here?!
Dave(Cloud): Hell yeah!
Makoto: (Working at the bar) Ah ha! I knew if I waited long enough you'd show up!
Dave: S**t! I blew my cover! (Runs out through a wall)
Makoto: (Picks up a sniper rifle, loaded with tranquilizer darts, and a net) You're never getting away again! (Goes after him)
Sharky: I guess we should have warned him.
Joe: But why does he run? I'd give a lot to get her. (Looks at the Polaroid shot of Minako he just took) SWWEEETTT!!!
(Outside, a shot is heard)
Tifa: What the hell are we going to do?! We can't afford a new one!
Cid: (Has shoved his spear up Barret's @$$) Life's a b***h, ain't it?!
Cloud (In a body cast): Well we WOULD have enough money for a new one if people would pay their bar tabs!
(Everyone upstairs but Sharky suddenly runs out of the building)
Cloud: Especially him! (Points at Cait's Friend)
Cait's Friend: (Is passed out from his drinking contest with Bender)
Barret: Screw da' drinks, let's get a minister and have a funeral!
Vegeta: He's right for once!
Barret: Why you! (Charges at Vegeta)
Vegeta: This ain't no video game! (Blasts Barret against the wall)
Aeris: Have you forgotten that our biggest reason for living is destroyed?! Let's- (Notices someone at the elevator)
Ami: (Standing there looking sad and angry) How... How dare you! None of you even batted an eyebrow when Dav died! HOW DARE YOU!!! (Heads back upstairs)
Red XIII: S**t! Someone stop her!
A-Ko: I got it! (Picks Krillin up by the back of his uniform)
A-Ko: (Throws Krillin up to intercept the elevator)
Krillin: YYYAAA!!! (His head gets caught between the floor of the elevator and the ceiling of the room) Ow... why me?
Ami: (Steps on Krillin's head and runs out into the streets of Midgar with tears streaming down her face.)
Krillin: Somebody get me down!
Barret: Sorry foo'! It don't stop until it reach da top!
Vincent: Aren't we going after her?
Red XIII: Yeah, but we're stuck down here until we can use the elevator.
Cait Sith: Can't it be brought down in the middle?!
Cloud: Nope. It has to go all the way up top first. Cait you'll have to crawl up there and dislodge him.
Vegeta: What a dumb@$$ idea! I'll just rip it down!
Tifa: Over my dead body! You're the one who breaks everything else in the place and never repairs it. (Grabs Aeris's parasol and shoves it up Vegeta's @$$)
Vegeta: You damn b***h! (Punches Tifa's boobs but a loud "Klang" sound is heard and there's a dent in her chest.) Ouch! Ow! (Shakes his hand as it starts throbbing)
Everyone but Tifa: (Goes wide-eyed)
Vincent: What the hell has she got in those things!?
Red XIII: I don't want to know anymore! (Goes into the corner to fart and does it in Cait's Friend's face)
Cait's Friend: (Mutters) Tequila man... (And pukes all over Red)
Red XIII: D'oh!
Aeris: At least we finally know the truth.
Pants: (Laughs at Tifa)
Tifa: Grr... (Charges at Aeris but notices something) Uh oh... I'm off balance now! (Falls over and a loud "thud" is heard) Vegeta you dips**t! It took hours to achieve that balance!
Vegeta: Hmph, so sue me!
Cid: (Lights a ciggie, pulls out a can of hash, and opens a can of Iced Tea) We still haven't found a way to get that damn cat up there so we can get the hell outta here!
A-Ko: And make it quick! She could be anywhere now!
Krillin: Yeah! This thing's starting to crush my head!
Barret: Use your brain, foo's! (Grabs Cait and loads him into his gun-arm)
Cait Sith: HEY!!!
Barret: (Takes aim and fires Cait through the crack in the elevator)
Aeris: Just dislodge him and send the elevator down!
Cait Sith: (Jumps repeatedly on Krillin's head)
Krillin: Ouch! It's ripping my skin off! (Grabs the floor of the elevator just as his head comes loose and his hands get caught) Owchies! My fingers are broken! For the love of God, send it back down!
Everyone: (Laughs at Krillin as he falls and lands on his head when the elevator comes down)
Krillin: Why me...?
(Outside in the streets)
Ami: (Is several blocks away from the Hideout, sitting on a crate and crying) I can't take it anymore, Dav. I want to live somewhere else. When you come back I want us to move to a small town. But... (Her arms suddenly become trapped against her sides) Huh? I can't move!
Milon: HA HA! (Like Nelson) Found you!
Ami: Who are you?!
Valvalis: That's not important, we're just here to pick you up and take you to Ramza. So keep quiet!
Milon: And if you don't behave you'll get this! (Pulls out a gun and shoots himself in the foot) Aaa-owowowowowowow!!! (Jumps around, holding his foot in pain)
Valvalis: You idiot! Can't you do anything without shooting yourself!
Ami: (Thinks) ~Now's my chance~ (Reaches into her pocket with her fingers and flicks a small device onto Valvalis's back.)
Valvalis: (Feels something cold on her back and turns back to Ami) You blue-haired b***h! What did you just do to me?! Tell me or I'll let that air squeeze you until you pop!
Ami: (Can feel her bonds tightening but waits)
Valvalis: Still won't talk?! I'll just have to-
Steve: (Comes running out from an alley and tackles Valvalis) Babes!
Valvalis: Oh s**t not you again! (Throws Steve off and starts running, losing her control of the air holding Ami)
Steve: Babes! (Runs after her)
Milon: Hey come back! You forgot to switch her transformation pen!
Milon: (Still holding his foot) Part of the master's plan to kill your husband. He's going to hold you hostage and if you try to transform the fake pen would cause you to get wrapped up in ribbons. Then you'd be suspended over a pit of rabid gerbils.
Ami: Well it's not going to work! (Steps heavily on Milon's good foot and kicks him in the nuts) Tell him he's wasting his time because Dav is already dead! (Runs out again)
Milon: (Rolls around on the ground) Hey, come back here! You're supposed to be a hostage!
Valvalis: (Voice is heard from far away) Help! Rape! RAPE!!!
Steve: (Voice also from far away) Babes!
Author's Note: Chalk up another one for Steve.
Ami: (Is walking back to the hideout) I guess I will put up with them for a little longer. But I'm just amazed at how quickly he responded to that homing device.
(Back at the Hideout, everybody is back upstairs except Cait's Friend)
Goku (Walks in with Gohan): We came looking for Krillin and I just saw Ami run away crying. Are you going after her?
Cid: (Lights up a huge cigar) Nah, she'll come back sooner or later.
(There's a knock at the door)
Cloud: I'll get it. (Walks over and opens the door).
Rubicant (Standing there with a fake mustache on and holding a package): You Cloud Strife?
Rubicant: Got a special delivery for ya, sign here.
Cloud: (Signs the paper)
Rubicant: Thanks. (Hands him the package and teleports out, snickering).
Cloud: (Walks back inside looking at the package)
Sharky: Whatcha got there?
Cloud: Some kind of package, I have no idea who it's from or what it is.
Barret: Well open it up dumb@$$!
Cloud: Make me!
Barret: (Points his gun at Cloud)
Cloud: Okay, okay (Opens it and gets excited)
Sharky/Gohan: (Crowd everyone else out so they can see)
Cloud/Sharky/Gohan: Me first! (Make a mad dash for downstairs and leave only vapor where they stood).
Vegeta: What the hell was that about? I've never seen anyone move so fast since the last time Kakarot heard his wife was after him.
Goku: Hey, that's enough Vegeta!
Chi Chi's voice (From somewhere outside): GOKU! YOU COME HOME RIGHT NOW!
Goku: Aw crap! (Runs out of the hideout faster than the other three and leaves a Goku-shaped hole in the wall.)
Vegeta: I rest my case.
Tifa: (Runs after him carrying a club, but also has trouble running.) You come back here and fix my wall!
Ami: (Peeks in through the hole) Did I miss something? Goku and Tifa nearly ran me down.
Minako: Ami-chan, you're back!
Cid/Barret: No s**t, Sher-
(Suddenly, there's a huge rumble and a blinding light from downstairs)
Aeris: What the HELL was that?!
Red XIII: Let's not waste time.
Everyone: (Heads downstairs)
Minako: (Pokes her head out the door) Is it safe to come out?
Joe's voice: Wouldn't you like to know? (Laughs maniacally)
(Downstairs, Cloud, Gohan, Sharky, and Cait's Friend have disappeared and there is a Gamecube with Super Smash Bros. Melee hooked up to the TV)
Cid: Sweet damn! Why didn't Cloud tell us someone mailed him a Gamecube!
Vincent: Because he's selfish.
Cait Sith: Who cares? They're gone so I'm going to play. (Grabs a controller)
Ami: The question is, where did they go and what was that rumbling?
Vegeta: So? We'll find out sooner or later. Right now we can practice all we want and not have to worry about losing to the kid. (Grabs the 2nd controller)
Cid/Barret: (Grab the last two controllers)
Red XIII: I've heard that you can access one of the hidden characters by using every default character in VS. Mode. I think his name is Marth.
Cid: What are you waiting for?! Let's open up a can of whoop A!
(A few minutes later, after Vegeta wins the 3rd match and Cid and Barret cuss him out)
Vegeta: Ha! Not even the death of a Saiyan will make the Saiyan stronger!
A-Ko (Whispers to Aeris): Don't you get sick of him saying that?
Aeris (Whispers back): Depends on which context it's in.
Vegeta: (Looks at the "A Challenger Approaches" screen) Now, let's see if this Marth guy is... OH MY GOD!
Cid: Holy s**t! How'd Cloud get put into Super Smash Bros. Melee! He's not a Nintendo character!
Ami: That's it! This Gamecube had some kind of program in it to zap whoever played it first into the game to replace some of the characters inside. Cloud, Gohan, Sharky, and Cait's Friend are all hidden characters in our copy of this game!
Ami: Um... I mean...
Barret: What are you foo's waiting for! Let's unlock 'em!
Vegeta: Hell yeah! *Quickly beats the crap outta Cloud with Captain Falcon*
Minako: (Comes downstairs) What'd I miss?
Ami: Just something that will keep us from going to Namek right away.
(And so, a few hours later, all of the hidden characters are unlocked, Cloud replacing Marth, Sharky replacing Ganondorf, Gohan replacing Falco, and Cait's Friend replacing Mr. Game & Watch)
B - Limit Buildup: Cloud charges his energy into a strong slash of his Buster Sword and the longer it's held, the more damage given.
Forward + B - Omnislash: Can do up to 4 slashes if the timing is right. Can use Up+B or Down+B for different slashes on the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th attack instead of Forward+B each time.
Up + B - Climhazzard: Cloud charges forward with his sword and then rises up into the air. If an enemy is caught in it, it hurts.
Down + B - Counter: The only materia Cloud remembered to equip. If anybody hits him while in his defensive position, he will react by slashing them.
B - Redneck Rage: Sharky charges up his fist for a walloping punch to send anybody flying.
Forward + B - Redneck Boost: Sharky charges forward with a quick burst of speed and punches anyone who gets in his way.
Up + B - Redneck Toss: Sharky grabs and kicks anybody he catches while in midair.
Down + B - Redneck Kick: A flying kick along the ground.
B - Kamehameha: The longer B is held, the stronger the energy wave gets. It flies straight forward.
Forward + B - Flash: Gohan flashes forward with quick speed and hits anybody in front of him along the way.
Up + B - Flight: Gohan charges up a little energy and bursts in the direction held and fries anybody in his path.
Down + B - Reflector: Gohan produces his energy shield to reflect any projectiles back in the direction they came from.
B - Tequila Bottle: Cait's Friend throws up to 5 tequila bottles.
Forward + B - Tequila Smash: Cait's Friend smashes the person in front of him with a tequila bottle, the higher the proof (alcohol content) on the bottle, the more powerful hit.
Up + B - Tequila High: Cait's Friend chugs a bottle of flaming tequila and it gives him a boost upward.
Down + B - Tequila Puke: Cait's Friend opens his mouth wide to catch any projectile. After catching 3 he can vomit it out onto an enemy.
(The next morning)
(At Capsule Corp., Goku and Trunks are talking to Bulma)
Trunks: So you see, that's why we need a new space ship to fly to the old Namek.
Bulma: Well... if it's the only way, I'll do it! Your grandpa seems to be out of commission for a while. (Looks behind her)
Dr. Briefs: (Is wearing a muumuu and having a tea party with his wife)
Mrs. Briefs: Really, Dear, we should do this more often, don't you think?
Goku: Hmm, it looks like your mom wasn't affected by all the weird stuff that's happening lately.
Bulma: I wouldn't speak too soon, it's just best to stay away from her at night.
Goku/Trunks: (Sweatdrop and gulp)
Bulma: Anyway, you guys tell me how many people are going and I'll know how big to make the ship.
Goku: Sounds fair enough, Trunks, you call Kame House and I'll get people from the Hideout (Teleports out)
(Somewhere in the forests of Canada)
Nappa: Face it, Raditz, we're lost!
Raditz: Shut up! I know exactly where I'm going!
Nappa: But I've heard the forests of Canada are crawling with bizarre and scary creatures.
Raditz: Of course they are, how else can you describe a Canadian? But they don't scare me!
(Suddenly, a twig snaps)
Nappa: Eek! (Hugs Raditz) Something's coming!
Raditz: Get off of me you idiot! (Looks into the trees) I'm not afraid of you! Come on out!
Surveyist: (Pops out) Would you like to take a survey?
Raditz/Nappa: IIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!! (Run like hell)
(Back on King Kai's planet)
King Kai (Sitting in a lawn chair sipping lemonade): Haven't you caught him, yet?
Dav (Chasing after Bubbles): Don't start that again! (Dives)
Bubbles: (Jumps aside and taunts)
Dav: (Wipes the sweat off of his brow) Damn, this guy's harder to catch than Cait's Friend on a rampage. Only one thing to do... (Slowly reaches behind him)
Bubbles: Uh? (Wonders why he's not chasing him)
Dav: HA! (Throws something into the air)
Bubbles: (Sees how shiny it is) EEK! (Runs out to catch it)
Dav: (Strolls behind him) Oh Bubbles...
Bubbles: (Turns around, sees Dav right there, freaks out, and starts to run)
Dav: (Reaches out and grabs him) Gotcha! (Reaches out with his other hand and catches what he threw)
King Kai: (Blinks) Wow! You must've had something in there he wanted more than anything in the world!
Dav: Nah, it was just this. (Pulls out his keys)
King Kai: Wow, I guess I just unlocked the solution to this case (busts out laughing)
King Kai: Ah, but I did say you had to catch him twice.
Dav: No problem. (Tosses Bubbles up into the air and catches him again) That was too easy.
King Kai: You party pooper! I never would have thought of that!
Dav: Whatever works.
King Kai: (Clears his throat) Oh but you're only just beginning. GREGORY!!!
Gregory (Still playing cards) I'm up! Take over, Chewie! (Flies off)
Chewbacca: Rrrawwor! (Takes over Gregory's hand)
(At AVALANCHE Hq.)
Krillin: (Is in the bathroom, finishing getting dressed after taking a shower) Ah, clean at last.
Ami: (Comes running in, hand over her mouth, doesn't see Krillin, accidentally kicks him into the toilet, pukes on him, puts the lid down, and flushes) Phew, this morning sickness will be the death of me. (Walks out)
Krillin: No! I thought I was done with swirlies after high school! HELP ME!!!
(In the kitchen)
Ami: Did you just hear something?
Aeris: Must've been your imagination.
Pants: Blah... (Drools)
Krillin: (Comes out of the bathroom, soaking wet, slips on Pants's drool, and crashes onto the floor) How do you guys survive here?
Goku (Pops in and his foot lands on Krillin): Hey, I need to talk to you guys about something really important!
Ami: Um, you're standing on your friend.
Goku (Looks down) Oh! Sorry, Krillin, I guess I shouldn't be wearing the 500 lb weights on my shoes this morning. (Gets his foot off Krillin)
Vegeta: (Walks in) Kakarot? When'd you get here and I thought you were being chased by your wife and Tifa!
Goku: Oh that wasn't a problem, I'm a lot faster than they are.
A-Ko: Hey wait a sec, Tifa hasn't come back yet...
(Somewhere in the middle of Midgar)
Tifa (Is collapsed on the ground): Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!
(Back at the hideout)
Aeris: That's not important, won't you stay for breakfast, Goku?
Goku: Sure, I'm starving!
Krillin: Uh oh...
(By the time everyone else arrives for breakfast)
Cid: That dips**t Saiyan ate EVERYTHING in the bar!
Barret: I'll kill 'im! So help me I'll kill 'im! (Charges at Goku)
Goku: (Brushes Barret aside) Thanks for the meal, guys, but there's something really important I need to talk to you about. But first, (turns to Krillin) where's Gohan?
Krillin: Um... well... you see... (Explains what happened)
(After the ensuing chaos as an inevitable result of Goku's concern as a father. And after he's calmed down.)
Red XIII: Looks like we've got to rebuild the first floor again.
Cait Sith: What's our record?
Vincent: 2 days and 3 hours.
Cait Sith: Aw c'mon, we can beat that easily.
Ami: Um... anyway. What was that important thing you needed to tell us?
Goku: Oh yeah, anyone who wants to go to Namek to find the Dragon Balls needs to report to Capsule Corp.
Ami: Really?! I'm in!
Minako: Are you sure about this? Your pregnancy is starting to affect your abilities.
Ami: I don't care. What about you?
Minako: I'll stay, Cait's Friend needs me.
Red XIII: I'm afraid I'm going to sit out of this one, I don't like space travel.
Cid: I sure as hell ain't missing an opportunity to go to space. I'm in!
Cait Sith: I'm out, my business will be ruined if I leave for too long.
Barret: I'm gonna stay here and make sure no foo's trash mah bar again!
A-Ko: I guess I'd better stay here with Steel.
Vincent: I'm staying...
Vegeta: Hmm, maybe a vacation is something I've needed for a long time. I'm going.
Aeris: If Vegeta goes, I go.
Barret: But what about your kid?
Aeris: Thanks for volunteering to baby-sit, Barret. Here you go.
Krillin: What about you, Goku?
Goku: Well, I'd rather stay here and watch after Gohan.
Krillin: Then I'll go.
Goku: Thanks, Krillin, I owe you one. But the sooner we get back to Bulma's, the better.
Ami (Thinks): ~Finally, we're going to go get you back, Dav.~
(At Ramza's hideout)
Golbez: No! No! No! You've still got it all wrong, you're not making the burping sounds!
Milon: Master Golbez, why do we have to do this?
Golbez: Because I'm bored out of my mind! Happy?
(The comm. panel lights up and Ramza appears)
Ramza: Golbez, what the hell are you doing?! You know I don't like Budweiser!
Valvalis: (Whispers to Kainazzo) This is coming from a guy who orders milk at a bar.
Golbez: I'm sorry, Master Ramza, we're just bored.
Ramza: Well I have something for you to do! I just learned from my spies that AVALANCHE is going to use the Dragon Balls from Namek to foil my plans. Go to Namek and get them before they do! *Takes a bite of his Cocoa Krispies* Ouch! I bit the prize inside! Ooo, it's a Pokemon pog!
Golbez: Uh... yes, sir! *Turns off the comm.* You heard the man, let's go!
Rubicant: But Master Golbez, we don't have a space ship.
Golbez: Don't worry about that. (Is already stuffing his suitcase with popcorn)
(A week later, at Capsule Corp.)
Bulma: All right, the modifications are complete, all of you will fit in the ship.
Ami: Thank you so much, and the rest of you, thank you for coming.
Trunks: It's no problem at all.
Butz: It beats hanging around that old guy.
Yamcha: I missed out on it last time, I'm not missing out this time.
Ami: Is everyone ready? (Looks around) Wait a minute, where're Aeris and Vegeta?
Vegeta: (Comes flying in slowly, being overweighed by Aeris's luggage) I'm the Prince of the Saiyans, not a bellhop!
Aeris: (Sitting on top of it all) Don't worry, I'll make it up to you after we take off.
Vegeta: (Thinks) ~Damn! I never had to work so hard even in 450 times gravity!~
(Pretty soon, everyone piles into the ship and it takes off.)
(Over the course of the next three months...)
(At the hideout)
Goku (Playing SSBM): I'll train and continue to train so I won't lose all the time anymore! (Is beaten by a Level 1 Jigglypuff) D'oh!
Cait Sith: That's really got to be embarrassing.
Vincent: Not as much as that (Points)
Barret: (Is trying to change Pants's diaper)
Pants: (Is peeing on Red XIII)
Red XIII: $^$%&%^&$^*$^&*$^&*#%&*($^%#*(#&^*$^!!!
Minako: (Is playing computer solitaire)
(At Ramza's Hideout)
Ramza: (Is playing with the same piece of string that's been fascinating him since Golbez and the Elements left)
(At random points around Midgar)
Steve: (Is reading a porno mag) Babes!
Steel: (Is doing nothing of worthwhile interest)
A-Ko: (Same as above)
Tifa: (Is living off of dirt and things she finds on the ground as she slowly crawls back to her surgeon's office)
(Somewhere in the Alps)
Raditz: (Is trying to start a fire)
Nappa: (Is frozen in a block of ice after getting caught in an avalanche resulted from their arguing)
(On King Kai's planet)
Dav: Hey, Gregory, look over there! (Points)
Gregory: What? Where?! (Looks)
Dav: (Whacks him with the hammer) Ha! Now we can finally get to the real stuff. Hey King Kai! I... huh?
King Kai: (Is asleep in his lawn chair)
Bubbles: (Is counting his Poker winnings)
DK/Chewie: (Are wrestling and accidentally squashed Jimminy)
(At Kame House)
Master Roshi: (Has discovered that there is porn on the Internet)
Tenshinhan: (Is trying to pry Roshi away from the computer so he can check his email)
Krile: (Is still trying to get Faris to sober up)
(On Ami's group's ship)
Vegeta: (Is in the bedroom with Aeris)
Aeris: (Is in the bedroom with Vegeta)
Cid: (Strikes his match on Krillin's head and lights a ciggie while watching his Dukes tapes)
Piccolo/Trunks/Yamcha: (Are all in the workout room training)
Butz: (Is in the simulator gaining job levels)
Ami: (Is starting to show)
Krillin: (Is still the butt of everyone's jokes, insults, mishaps, and other shenanigans)
(Now for some fun stuff: At the Midgar Court of Infernal Affairs)
Baku: The next case is Eve vs. Sephiroth to gain custody of their son, Bob. All rise, the honorable Judge Kuja will preside over this court!
Kuja: (Walks in and sits in the judge's seat) Court is now in session, but let's make it quick, I have a "Silliest Final Fantasy Villain" contest to attend.
Mr. Plunder: Don't you mean, "Gayest Final Fantasy Villain" contest?
Kuja: Quiet, you! (Casts Thundaga on Mr. Plunder)
Mr. Plunder: (Is fried and becomes a pile of ash)
Kuja: Now will the prosecutor state her case before she runs out of lawyers?
Eve (Dressed like a mourning widow, has sad looking make-up on): (Stands up, or something) Yes, your honor. I worked so hard to give birth to the Ultimate Being, to love and raise him like only a mother could. Then his father took him away and corrupted him. Now he'll never take over the world (fakes crying).
Kuja: (Tosses aside his violin) Boo hoo, we all have problems. What about you, defense?
Sephiroth: I want to take the stand that the boy's mother was killed right after she gave birth to him and... (looks down) help me out here.
Dave: (Reading past fics) Yep, you're right, she died.
Sephiroth: So there.
Mr. Loot: Objection! The defendant's lawyer is cheating by looking up past references inside the courtroom!
Mr. Loot: Overruled?!
Dave: Have you forgotten that I rule this fic?
Mr. Loot: Why you little...! (Charges at Dave)
Dave: (Pulls down a large CENSORED sign over the fic, some severe, horrifying, blood-curdling noises are heard, the CENSORED sign is removed, and Mr. Loot is nowhere to be found) There, now we can move on.
Bob: How many times to I have to tell you guys? I'm a legal adult!
Kuja: But you seem too mentally incompetent to live on your own.
Eve: Don't you insult my baby like that! (Blasts Kuja with a fireball)
Kuja: Now you've done it! (Goes Trance) I'll show you the power of Ultim-
Id: (Comes crashing in through the ceiling and beats the crap out of Kuja) Nobody impersonates me!
Kuja: (Broken and bleeding) Who the hell are you?!
Id: I'm Id! (Blows Kuja away and flies off)
Dave: I love this job.
Baku: Well, seeing as the judge is dead, I'll take over. (Sits in the judges seat) I hearby declare Bob to be a legal adult and free from any parental influence. If you want to fight over it outside the court like little babies, you're more than welcome to.
Sephiroth: FINE! Let's go, Eve! (Goes outside)
Eve: You'll never beat me! (Follows him)
Baku: The next case: Master Roshi vs. The Son of Sephiroth for stealing his collection of porn! (Looks around) Where the hell is Roshi?!
Tenshinhan: (Comes running in) Don't worry about it, he's dropping the charges. He's already found more than enough on the Net to make up for what was stolen.
Bob: You mean there's porn on the Net? SWEEEEET!!! (Flies outta there)
Baku: That was easy, let's all go home and get some lunch.
Dave: (Suddenly gets up) Crap, my "Senshi Sense" is tingling!
Rei: (Busts into the courtroom) You can't hide forever!
Dave: But I already have a girlfriend! (Gets the hell outta there)
Author's Note: Again, you're welcome, SL.
Rei: Liar! You're only saying that because I hit a bad note! (Gives chase)
(At the end of the three months, on Namek)
Ami: (Gets out of the ship and stretches) Mmm, it feels good to be back on solid ground.
Krillin: (Looks around) It looks the same as it ever did.
Cid: Good, then it'll be damn easy to find those Dragon Balls (Strikes another match on Krillin's head and lights a ciggie)
Krillin: Ow! Why do you keep doing that?!
Cid: Because I can!
Piccolo: I'd bet a good amount that the same people are here too.
Yamcha: Man, it's green all over. Planet and people are the same color.
Butz: This isn't too different from Galuf's world.
Trunks: Will you two get out here! We landed over an hour ago!
Aeris: (Voice coming from their room) Someone has to stay and guard the ship!
Vegeta: Yeah! Buzz off!
Trunks: (Sighs) All right, let's get out the Dragon Radar and start finding the balls.
Krillin: (Sweatdrops) The Dragon Radar?
Yamcha: Something wrong, Krillin?
Krillin: I knew I forgot something...
Everyone: You WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?
(5 minutes later)
Krillin: (Lying broken, bruised, bleeding, dislocated, and is in just a big plain bloody mess) Why... me...? (Eats a senzu bean)
Piccolo: This is just great! How are we going to search the whole planet in just a few days?!
Ami: I have an idea. (Pulls out her computer and, after a few minutes of typing, gets a lock on the balls) We can use this.
Butz: Cool, where's the closest one?
Ami: Not far at all, just about a mile north of here and... Huh? This is strange.
Trunks: What is it?
Ami: It's moving. Coming right towards us at a very high speed! They'll be here in 5 seconds!
Everyone: (Looks to see what's coming)
Ryoga: (Comes running by carrying a Dragon Ball)
Ranma: (Chasing him and carrying a bucket of cold water) Dammit, Ryoga! I'm going to be the one to collect the Dragon Balls! I've had my curse longer than you!
Ryoga: Tough s**t!
Ranma: HA! (Throws the cold water and a lot of it splashes on Ami and Cid)
Ryoga: Crap... (Turns into P-chan and mauls Ranma's face)
Ranma: Hey! Cut it out! (Tries to pull him off)
Ami: Great, now I have to change clothes. (Turns around to go back into the ship, but stops suddenly and screams and points at Cid)
Cid: What the hell's the matter with you?
Krillin: No... it can't be!
Aeris: (Comes out) What the hell is all that noise abou- (Stops and gasps) You're alive!
Cid: Will someone tell me what the f**k is going on?!
Vegeta: What is it now?! (Comes out and immediately gets into a fighting stance) So, Captain Ginyu, you haven't learned how to die yet after all.
Cid: What the f**k?
Butz: (Hands Cid a mirror)
Cid: HOLY S**T! HOW THE HELL DID I GET INTO CAPTAIN GINYU'S BODY AGAIN?!
Author's Note: Read Nightmare at Gold Saucer 3 for details.
Ranma: (Pulls P-chan off of his face) Let me try something. (Pours some hot water onto Ginyu)
Ginyu: (Turns back into Cid) WHAT THE BLOODY #$^$%&@$%%^%^%^&%& IS GOING ON?!?!?!?!
Trunks: It must be what happened to you when the Instant Plot Devices-
Butz/Yamcha/Piccolo/Krillin: Just add water!
Trunks: were activated.
Cid: Dammit all to hell! Let's get those Dragon Balls and fix it ASAP!
Ranma: You're after the Dragon Balls too? (Sees P-chan trying to roll the ball away) Hey! (Kicks him outta there then turns back to the group) Sorry, but it's finder's keepers (Picks up the ball and starts running)
Piccolo: (Overtakes Ranma and stops in front of him) Not so fast! (Throws Ranma into a faraway lake)
Ranma: (Crawls out in female form) Dammit...
(Back at the crew)
Ami: (Comes back out of the ship in dry clothes) There, one down, one to go. (The area suddenly gets dark and she looks up) What now?
Vegeta: Damn! That's a huge ship!
Krillin: Where could a thing that size come from?!
Yamcha: Let's just hope they're on our side!
(Onboard the Big Whale)
Golbez: We've arrived at Namek, prepare to land!
Kainazzo: Heh heh, Master Golbez, I still think it was soooo cool how you stole the ship and all.
Valvalis: Yeah, that was a first-class work you did.
Milon: I could never do anything that cool.
Rubicant: We know that.
Milon: Stop being so mean to me!
Golbez: Ah, it was easy...
(Back on earth, outside the Big Whale)
Cecil: I will go to the moon...
Golbez: (Comes walking up with the Elements) Outta my way! (Shoves Cecil aside, boards the ship, and takes off)
(End of Flashback)
Rubicant: Although it would have been nice to see their faces.
Kainazzo: Yeah, too bad we didn't see them.
Golbez: I did...
(Back to the Flashback)
FF4 party: (All just stand there in complete shock as their ship takes off)
Golbez: Nya! Nya!
(End of Back to the Flashback)
Golbez: Enough of that, prepare to land!
Elementals: Yes, sir!
(Down on Namek's surface)
Rinoa: Go fetch, Angelo! (Throws a stick)
Angelo: (Runs and picks up the stick. He hears a huge rumble behind him and when he turns around, Rinoa is gone and there's a large metal thing where she was, so he shrugs and goes to sign a 4-year contract for NBC)
(Back on the Big Whale)
Valvalis: Did you guys hear some kind of "scrunch" sound?
The rest: Nah.
(On King Kai's planet)
King Kai: Ooh, this is interesting. Very interesting.
Dav: (Walks up to him) What is it?
King Kai: I just realized that my sandals don't match today. (Snickers)
Dav: (Does a one-frame collapse)
King Kai: But other than that, everyone arrived on Namek safely and they already found one of the Dragon Balls.
Dav: Hey, that's great!
King Kai: But there's trouble. Ramza's sent his men after your friends, plus there are several others after the Balls as well. It's not going to be easy.
Dav: Hmm, should we warn them?
King Kai: Nah, let's wait it out and see what happens. That's usually more fun.
Dav: (Collapses again)
(Now for more pointless fun: Back down on earth at the Hideout)
Tifa: (Walks back in and thinks) ~With this new reinforced titanium alloy, I'll never have that problem again.~ (Takes two steps and looks around) WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY BAR?!?!?!?
Barret: Sh't man, Teef's back!
Cait Sith: She doesn't sound too happy about our repair job.
Red XIII: I told you that duct tape alone wouldn't work.
Vincent: That was the Queen of Grace's idea. (Looks over at Minako, who's trying to pull out several pieces of tape that got caught in her hair)
Cait Sith: That's not the important thing, do we have enough supplies to live down here for a while?
Red XIII: I think so, why?
Cait Sith: It's safer that way (Gives Barret an attachment for his gunarm) Aim at the elevator.
Barret: I pity you, foo'! (Aims and fires. A bunch of nails hold the elevator up at the top) A nail gun for mah gunarm?!
Cait Sith: Whatever works.
Pants: (Suddenly starts to not smell so good)
Cait Sith: Oh God! That's rancid!
Barret: Get me outta here!
Red XIII: Just change his diaper and dump the other down the toilet.
Barret: Easy for you to say! Where's the diaper bag?!
Vincent: I believe it's upstairs...
Tifa: Where are you guys?! (Is suddenly knocked over in the ensuing earthquake caused by the amount of cussing from downstairs)
Goku: (Still playing SSBM and ignores the smell) Yes! I'm getting better! I finally managed to hit another person!
Minako: (Is only getting her hair more tangled)
(Back on Namek, the good guys have located the second Dragon Ball)
Wiseman: (Holding the ball) I'll never give this to you!
Butz (As a mimic): I'll never give this to you!
Wiseman: Stop copying everything I say!
Butz: Stop copying everything I say!
Wiseman: You are SSSOOO lame!
Butz: You are SSSOOO lame!
Wiseman: (Does a bunch of stupid poses)
Butz: (Does a bunch of stupid poses)
Wiseman: Now I'm mad!
Butz: Now I'm mad!
Wiseman: AAARRRGGGHHH!!! (Chucks the Dragon ball at Butz)
Butz: (Catches it) That was too easy.
Wiseman: Oh, crap, give it back! (Charges Butz)
Butz: (Steps aside and sticks his foot out)
Wiseman: (Trips and his mask shatters) Oh no! Not again!
Ami: I knew it, it's you again!
Geeky Guy: (Gets up) You always laugh at me!
Everyone: (Laughs at him)
Geeky Guy: I don't want anyone to laugh at me anymore! (Starts to cry)
Butz: That won't be hard (X-Fights and cuts Geeky Guy into several pieces)
Everyone: (Laughs at him some more)
Ami: That one was easy, who'll take this back to the ship?
Yamcha: I'll go this time, you can't trust how much Vegeta and his skank, I mean wife, are guarding the other ball.
Ami: Thanks. (Looks at her computer) The next one is west of here, you should be able to find us easily.
Butz: (Gives Yamcha the ball)
Yamcha: (Flies off)
(At Kame House)
Master Roshi: (Sitting at his computer, surrounded by CD-Rs, all full of Internet porn) Hasn't it arrived yet?!
Krile: Not yet, but you can't really trust the mail service these days.
Voice from outside: Mail call!
Master Roshi: It's here! (Rushes outside)
Mailman: Sign here.
Master Roshi: (Signs for it, grabs it, and runs back inside)
Krile: What is it?
Master Roshi: It's a program that'll let me download porn 1,000,000 times faster! (Installs it and gets surfing) Hee hee hee! Oooh yeah baby!
Author's Note: Yet another Simpsons reference.
Krile: (Sighs and walks outside)
Tenshinhan (Is outside training): Is he still on the computer?
Krile: Yeah, he won't be off it anytime soon.
Tenshinhan: Dammit, if I don't reply to those guys soon, I'll never get an appointment for vision correction surgery on my third eye!
Krile: Sorry to hear that. (Walks back to the almost fully-repaired airship) Faris! Are you dead yet?
Faris: (STILL drunk) Ah, shut yer damn mouth. (Passes out)
(Dragon Ball #3)
Ashton (Holding the ball): This is the only way that I can undo my curse without killing Gyoro and Ururun!
Ashton: I know both of you just chugged a lot of Pepsi, but why don't you be more polite?!
Trunks: Why are you only thinking of yourself? We're on a mission to save the entire universe from destruction from the effects caused by the Instant Plot Devices!
Gyoro/Ururun: Just add water!
Ashton: If you want it, you'll have to fight me for it! (Draws his swords)
Cid: Hell yeah, this one's mine! (Charges at Ashton)
Ururun: (Fires ice breath at Cid)
Cid: (Gets frozen in a block of ice, and turns into Ginyu again) S**T!!!
Ashton: Anyone else want to challenge me?
Trunks: (Draws his sword) It's your funeral.
Ashton: Hmm, with you I might actually have to get serious. OH THE ALMIGHTY TRI-ACE! (Combines his swords into one)
Ginyu: W-w-w-hat t-t-t-the hell is h-h-h-he doing?
Ashton: Vanquish all the enemies! (Slashes once to create an energy ball, slashes again to increase it's size, and is about to slash it a third time to make it explode when-)
Trunks: (Stops Ashton's sword with one hand, and knocks the energy ball into him)
Ashton: Oh craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaapp...!!! (Gets blown away)
Author's Note: I think Ashton's Tri-Ace move on Star Ocean 2 has got to be his most ridiculous tech.
Trunks: (Picks up the ball) I'll take this back to the ship, Yamcha and my father are nearly back anyway. (Flies off)
Ginyu: G-g-g-g-et m-m-m-me outta h-h-h-ere, dammit!
(At Ramza's hideout)
Ramza: (Has stuffed himself inside of a locker and can't get out)
(Back to Namek and #4)
Krillin: (Is flying ahead of the others, scouting for danger) Hey, all right! Nobody beat us to this one! There it is, lying in the middle of the ground! (Goes down to pick it up but is suddenly ambushed by a duo of Nameks) Ow! OUCH! Hey! STOP IT! WHY ME?!
Namek 1: So another thief is after our Dragon Balls, we'll show you what we to do thieves!
Krillin: You're gonna kill me?
Namek 2: Eventually, first we'll bore a hole in your face to give you a nose, pour plant fertilizer in it to make it grow hair, we'll pluck them out one at a time, eat your skin, use your innards as fishing bait, THEN kill you.
A voice: Stop it! He's my friend!
Krillin: Huh? (Looks up and sees-)
Dende: (Comes running up) Krillin! Are you all right?! What are you doing here?
(The rest of the group arrives and they explain to the Nameks and Dende about their mission to stop the Instant Plot Device-)
Nameks 1 + 2: Just add water!
('s effects on the universe)
Ami: That's why we've come for the Dragon Balls, we couldn't wait for them to be made again on Earth.
Namek 1: All right, but Porunga doesn't speak your language. (Looks at Piccolo)
Piccolo: I haven't spoken Namekian in too long, I can't remember much.
Namek 1: Then you'd better take Dende with you.
Krillin: (Covered in bruises) Wow, it'll be just like old times, but this time a lot easier. (Picks up the ball) Let's get this back to the ship and- (Is hit by a large ball of energy)
Another familiar voice: Put down that Dragon Ball!
Ginyu: What the bloody hell?!
Yamcha: Oh man, won't this just stop?
Ami: You again? What do we have to do to defeat you?!
Frieza: (Floats in) I am the ruler of the universe and I will have eternal life!
Vegeta: You never learn, do you? (Turns Super Saiyan)
Frieza: What? Vegeta too?!
Trunks (Arrives back): You obviously haven't been watching any DBZ episodes after I killed you last time. (Also goes Super Saiyan)
Frieza: I'll kill you all!
Vegeta: Not likely! BIG BANG ATTACK!!!
Trunks: BURNING ATTACK!!! (Author's Note: Trunk's Burning Attack is when he makes all those weird hand motions before firing)
Frieza: (Gets completely blown off the planet by the two attacks, struck by several meteorites, falls through a supernova, and ends up in a black hole)
Vegeta: Damn that felt good!
Krillin: Um... medic?
Ginyu: You dips**t, we're almost out of those damn beans!
Dende: I'll take care of it (Heals Krillin)
Krillin: (Collapses and falls into a coma)
Dende: Oops, silly me, I was reversing the process.
(And so, after three more silly side adventures that has someone getting blown across the planet due to the superior strength of the good guys, they come to find the 7th Dragon Ball, but so has everyone else)
Ranma (Female): I'm going to get rid of this curse if it's the last thing I do!
Ryoga: I'm going to have a sense of direction even if it kills me!
Shampoo: Shampoo want to marry Ranma!
Mousse: Where the hell are my glasses?!
Ashton: That girl's curse couldn't be worse than mine!
Ranma: I'm a BOY!!!
Tidus: I want people to be able to say my name and stop calling me the new guy!
Yuna: I'm sorry, but whatever people name you isn't in our voice memory databank.
Wakka: I want to win a Blitzball tournament just once, ya!?
B-Ko: I want to make C-Ko mine!
Pearl Forrester: I want to rule the world!
Golbez: We came here to stop you!
Milon: Same as above.
Valvalis: What he said.
Vegeta: All of your reasons suck!
Ami: We're here for the good of the universe!
Butz: And we're not going to back out now!
Trunks: If you want it you have to get past us.
Yamcha: I guess you want a taste to my Wolf Fang's Fist.
Piccolo: I haven't used Makansopopo in a long time. (Author's Note: That's "Special Beam Cannon" to you dubbies)
Krillin: Do we really have to fight?
Dende: We'll be all right.
Aeris (Voice echoing in the wind): Vegeta! I'm lonely back here...!
Ginyu: (Strikes another match on Krillin's head and lights a ciggie) Whatever the hell goes!
(Everyone rushes into a violent and bloody battle that if this fanfic were made into a movie it would cost billions in special effects, stuntmen, and other cinematic mumbo-jumbo. The battle involves high quality digital picture, THX surround sound and is the most action-packed, intense, Kung-Fu fightin', awesomest fight scene you'd ever see anywhere, I'm just too lazy to describe it all. In the end, the good guys emerge victorious. We did, however, have one casualty.)
Krillin (Lying there with every bone in his body broken): I'm... still... alive. (An anvil falls from the sky onto his head)
(Like I said, we did have one casualty)
(On King Kai's planet)
King Kai: Wow! They finally did it! They got all the Dragon Balls!
Dav: Why are you so excited. It only took them a few hours.
King Kai: I know, I just want to try and keep the suspense in the fic going.
(On Namek, when the balls are gathered together)
Aeris: They're all here, let's summon the dragon.
Dende: Illkay allay umanshay! Emoslihday hethay entireay universay! Omecay Porunga!
Porunga: (Appears from the Dragon Balls)
Porunga: (Is holding a HUGE bottle of liquor, has a giant beer belly, groans, and sits down... on Krillin)
Krillin: Why... me...?
Dende: Um... Porunga, you've changed!
Porunga: Well it takes you idiots too long to gather the Dragon Balls between each set of wishes, so I had to do SOMETHING to pass the time. (Chugs the bottle and takes out another one) Tell me your wishes so I can get back to my booze!
Ami: Um... yes... our first wish is to remove the barrier around Ramza's Hideout on Earth so the AVALANAHCE team can infiltrate it.
Dende: (Refers the wish in Namekian)
Porunga: (Lets loose with a HUGE fart) Your wish has been granted!
Krillin: HELP! I CAN'T BREATHE!
Author's Note: Too bad Krillin doesn't have a nose, otherwise the stench would kill him.
(On Earth, at AVALANCHE Hq)
Barret: Took damn long enough to get outta there!
Cait Sith: You sure as hell didn't have to beat me against the panel until it broke loose!
Red XIII: What else was there to do, apologize to Tifa?
Vincent: That would have taken a lot less time.
Tifa: You idiots deserved it!
Pants: Ha ha!
(A red alarm goes off)
Barret: Awright! We gonna rock!
Tifa: What the hell is that?
Vincent: That's to let us know that Ramza's fortress's barrier is down.
Cait Sith: Let's move!
(Everyone piles outta there, but has to come back so Barret can change Pants's diaper, then they pile outta there again)
Goku: (Is still glued to SSBM) Hey, I'm getting better, I hit that guy again!
Minako: (Is completely tangled up in her own hair) Get me outta here!
(Back on Namek)
Porunga: What is your second wish? Tell me, now!
Ami: The second wish is to bring my husband, Dav Cole, back to life.
Dende: (Again refers the wish in Namekian)
Porunga: (Lets loose with another huge fart) Your wish has been granted.
Krillin: My God! What is this green goop on my uniform?!
(On King Kai's planet)
Dav: (Sees the halo above him disappear) Yes! They did it! Thanks, King Kai, I'm outta here! (With his newly acquired power and skills, he flies off of the planet and heads down Snake Way.
King Kai: Hey, come back here! You forgot to pay your bill!
(And back to Namek)
Porunga: Well, I'm waiting for the last wish?!
Ami: Our last wish is to send us and Dav all back to Earth.
Dende: (You know what goes here)
Porunga: (Lets loose with one last huge fart) It shall be done!
Krillin: I can't take much more of this...
Everyone but Dende: (Disappears off the planet)
(Outside of Midgar)
Dav: (Appears where he died) Well, that made things easier. (Looks towards the city) Hmm... it'll have to wait, I have something to finish first. (Takes off and heads for a source of power he sensed)
(Outside AVALANCHE Hq)
The Namek Party: (Appears)
Ami: (Runs inside) Dav?! (Goes downstairs) Goku? Minako-chan?
Goku: I did it! I finally got a kill!
Minako: Oh... you're back... Can you get me something to eat...? (Faints)
Vegeta: Looks like the kid didn't come back this way, he might've gone to take care of unfinished business.
Ami: That idiot! (Turns to Goku) Goku, can I borrow your cloud?
Goku: Sure, go ahead (Looks smug) Hey, Vegeta, ready to face the new and improved me?
Vegeta: Whatever. (Grabs a controller)
Trunks: Hey, cool, let me play. (Grabs the third)
Butz: Damn, I miss out on the best stuff (Grabs the 4th)
Ginyu: How many Saiyans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Yamcha: I don't know.
Ginyu: I sure as hell don't know either.
Piccolo: Then why waste time to ask the question?
Ginyu: 'Cause I thought one of you s**theads would know! (Takes the hot water heater for his tea off the stove and pours it on himself, turning him back into Cid)
Cid: 'Bout damn time!
Ami: (Sighs, goes back outside, gets onto Goku's Flying Nimbus, and takes off)
Krillin: Guys...? I'm still crushed here...
(At Ramza's fortress)
Ramza: (Sees the team arriving on radar) Ha! Those fools will never get in here! (Double checks to make sure the door to the fortress is bolted) Good, they definitely can't get in now.
Barret: Hate to spoil your fun, @$$za.
Ramza: (Turns around to see the entire crew) What the?! How did you get in here?!
Tifa: Your back door was open, now prepare to die!
Red XIII: This time you're not coming back, ever!
Cait Sith: How can I predict anything when you screwed it all up?
Vincent: You're dead.
Ramza: You fools! I have a secret weapon! It's... (Runs away) the great escape trick!
Barret: After him, foo's!
Everyone: (Chases him)
Ramza: (Gets to the elevator and hits the Up button) Come on! Come on! I'll never like you again if you don't hurry!
Cait Sith: He's down there!
Ramza: (Keeps pounding the door until it finally opens and he gets in.)
Eddie the Janitor: (Puts up a "Caution: Wet Floor" sign and starts to mop the floor in front of the elevator)
Red XIII: Get him before that door closes!
Cait/Red/Vince: (Run ahead of the others) WHOA!!!! (Slip along the wet floor, go past the elevator just as the doors close, hit the wall, and are all knocked out)
Tifa: Well Barret, looks like it's up to us!
Barret: Speak for yourself, I still hafta watch 'dis foo' kid!
Pants: Bleh... (Pukes on Barret)
Ramza: (Runs out onto the balcony) D'oh, I knew I should have explored this place fully before I took it over.
Barret/Tifa/Pants: (Step out of the elevator)
Barret: Can't hide from us, foo'!
Tifa: I'm gonna sleep good tonight! (Smirks and punches her palm)
Ramza: You guys can't beat me! And I'll prove it! (Hits a switch)
Barret: Careful, Teef, this bastard is upta sumthin.
Tifa: Don't have to tell me twice.
Barney (Comes falling from the sky): Hello, boys and girls, let's all sing a song!
Barret/Tifa: HOLY...!!! (Don't finish their sentences as they pass out from fright)
Pants: (Laughs and claps his hands)
Barney: (Picks Pants up) Hello, little boy, what's your name?
Pants: (Raises a hand and fires a blast that obliterates Barney)
Barney: I thought you loved me...! (Dies)
Pants: (Falls back onto the ground and his drool forms a small puddle in front of him)
Ramza: No! My secret weapon was destroyed! (Walks up towards Pants) I'll squash you! (Steps on the drool and slips) Oh no! (Slides towards the edge and over the balcony) Help me Delitaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...!!! (Hits his head at the foot of the base and dies)
Cait/Red/Vince: (Step out of the elevator)
Red XIII: We're here to back you up! We... (Sees Barret and Tifa unconscious and Pants just sitting there)
Vincent: Did somebody defeat Ramza?
Cait Sith: (Looks over the edge of the balcony and sees Ramza in a bloody mess) Someone must've.
Tifa: (Wakes up) What the hell just happened?
Red XIII: Tifa, was it you who beat him?
Tifa: No (Looks at Barret, who is just getting up) Was it you?
Barret: Not me, it must've been...
Everyone: (Looks at Pants)
Pants: (Laughs maniacally)
Everyone: (Covers in fear)
(Back on Namek)
Golbez: (Crawls from the battlefield as described earlier) I can't believe I lost... Is anyone else... alive...?
Rubicant: Over... here... Master Golbez!
Golbez: Rubicant, can you move?
Rubicant: Not so well. Is anyone else alive?
Valvalis: (Hiding behind a pile of bodies) I'm here, but don't come near me!
Milon: Ooo, she's nude!
Valvalis: Shove it, you! (Casts Lit 3 on Milon)
Kainazzo: If we can just get back to the ship...
Milon: You mean, that ship?
Everyone: (Looks up to see the Big Whale flying away) D'oh... poopie...
Author's Note: This next scene has characters from Urusei Yatsura, one of Rumiko Takahashi's first works. If you don't understand the characters, do your homework!
(In Tomobiki Town)
Raditz: Nappa you are a dips**t! How can you let some girl who throws desks, trees, and telephone poles beat you!
Nappa: Uhhhhh... (Is out cold)
Shinobu: (Is holding a tree above her head, ready to throw) Men be damned! (Throws it at Raditz)
Raditz: (Gets it in the face)
Ataru: (Tackles Shinobu) Oh, Shinobu, you're so strong, let's make a strong child together! (Tries to kiss Shinobu when he's hit with an electric shock)
Lum: Darling! Even when we're fighting for our lives you don't change! (Shocks the hell out of him)
Mendou: (Draws his sword) Fear not, Lum-san, I shall protect you! (Charges Raditz)
Raditz: Oh please... (Grabs Mendou's sword, uses it to pick his teeth, then pins him to the wall by his shirt)
Mendou: How disgraceful... (Hangs his head in shame)
Raditz: Now, which one of you is next?!
Another familiar voice: I think you're next, Radish!
Raditz: Who called me that?! (Looks around)
Dav: (Floats down, arms crossed, eyebrows lowered) Ready for Round 2?
Raditz: You! I killed you! I'll just have to kill you again! (Goes Super Saiyan and fires a huge wave)
Dav: (Knocks it aside) Sorry, but my master taught me more than gay @$$ poses.
Raditz: What?! (Does a Ginyu Force gay dance) You mean this isn't cool?!
Dav: Damn right.
Raditz: You... you... big meanie!!! (Fires an even bigger blast)
Dav: (Holds it at bay and thinks) ~Crap, I can't send this one back at him or it'll take out the people behind him~ (Looks aside)
Squall: (Walks along the street and thinks) ~I wonder how else I can waste time by thinking random things while something important is happening...~
Dav: There! (Sends the blast in Squall's direction)
Squall: (Thinks) ~Oh damn...~ (Gets blown away)
Dav: (Dusts his hands) That takes care of them. (Victory music plays)
Raditz: Don't cross your bridges before they've hatched! (Charges Dav again and soon they're in the air fighting)
Shinobu: Who is that guy?
Ataru: It doesn't matter, let's go make love, Shinobu! (Is shocked again)
Lum: DARLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Keeps shocking the hell out of him)
Mendou: Can someone get me down?
(Five minutes, or 13 DBZ episodes later, in the air)
Raditz: This time you'll never come back! (Renews an assault of attacks)
Dav: (Blocks them all but is beginning to tire and thinks) ~Damn, if I just had Atma Weapon...~
Raditz: (Begins to power up)
Dav: Man, I don't think I'll be able to stop these...
Familiar Voice #3: Dav, catch!
Dav: Huh? (Turns in time to catch Atma Weapon as it's thrown to him)
Dav: (Grins and turns back to Raditz)
Raditz: You're finished! (Fires blast after blast)
Dav: (Knocks them back)
Raditz: (Gets his wind knocked out)
Dav: (Charges and beats the crap outta Raditz for a while) I'll never let her go through that again! (The Red Limit aura surrounds him) FINAL JUSTICE! (Cuts Raditz into millions of pieces and vaporizes them with a huge blast)
(Back down on the ground)
Nappa: (Has gotten up) Ha! Your desks won't hurt me anymore! I'll- (Gasps and blood trickles from his mouth)
A-Ko: (Pulls her fist out from Nappa's chest, ripping his heart out) Dav wasn't the only one training for the last four months.
Steel: You didn't have to kill him right away, it's best to let 'em linger.
Steel: Then hit 'em with this baby! (Pulls out a bazooka and blows Nappa to pieces)
A-Ko: Whatever works (Kisses him)
Dav: (Comes floating down and powers down) Ami-chan!
Ami: (Lands short distance away) Dav!
(Some kind of happy reunion music plays and they run towards each other, slow motion when-)
Ataru: (Tackles Ami) Hey, babe! Give my your address and phone number!
Ami: (Kicks Ataru off) What are you doing?!
Dav: How dare you hit on my wife! (Beats the crap outta Ataru)
Lum: How dare you beat up on Darling! (Shocks the crap outta Dav)
Steel: How dare you shock my friend! (Beats the crap outta Lum)
Mendou: How dare you wail on Lum-san! (Beats the crap outta Steel)
A-Ko: How dare you attack Steel! (Beats the crap outta Mendou)
Shinobu: How dare you beat up a handsome man! (Beats the crap outta A-Ko)
Aeris (Appears out of nowhere): How dare you harm the only girl who helps take care of the bar! (Beats the crap outta Shinobu)
Inaba: How dare you fight against Shinobu! (Beats the crap outta Aeris)
Vegeta: How dare you even think of harming my Aeris! (Beats the crap outta Inaba)
Ryuunusuke: How dare you harm an innocent rabbit! (Beats the crap outta Vegeta)
Trunks: How dare you insult my father! (Beats the crap outta Ryuunusuke)
(Before long, everybody involved in the fic has joined in the brawl for one reason or another, but in the end, everyone's attacks are all directed towards the same person)
Krillin (Is as broken and bloody as he can be and still be alive): Why... me...?
(A month later, making it 5 months since this fic began and 7 months since the end of Wild Wild Sith)
(At chocobo ranch)
Ami: Oh! It's so cute!
Billy: This has got to be a new species. I've never even heard of a platinum chocobo before.
Dav: Jessika you naughty girl.
Jessika: (Blushes as much as a chocobo can) Wark!
Ami: (Looks at her watch) Oh, it's getting late, we need to get there.
Dav: (Nods and they leave)
(At Kami's lookout)
Kami: (Walks out carrying the latest Dragon Balls) There, it was twice as painful rushing like that, but here they are.
Ami: Are you sure you want to do this?
Dav: (Nods and summons Shenrong)
Shenrong: (Appears) You have summoned me by the power of the seven Dragon Balls, I shall grant you one wish!
Dav: Yeah, I wish that you will grant me two extra wishes aside from this one!
Mr. Popo: Wow, nobody's ever thought of that before.
Shenrong: Your wish has been granted, you may ask me for two more wishes.
Dav: I wish that everything that was screwed up by the use of the Instant Plot Devices-
Shenrong: Just add water!
Dav: Will return back to normal, including all the strength I gained while training with King Kai.
Ami: Are you sure?!
Dav: If I don't, then things can't return to normal.
Ami: All right.
Shenrong: Your wish has been granted. The universe is back to normal.
(At the Hideout)
Cid: It feels so damn good to get back at Cloud after all this time!
Barret: Tell me about it, foo! I feel good!
Cait Sith: Ha ha ha! DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!!!
(The three are playing SSBM, teamed up against a Level 1 Cloud when a bright flash forces them to cover their eyes)
Cid/Barret/Cait: What the HELL!
Cloud: (Stands there with his sword drawn, breathing heavily, looking PISSED)
Cait Sith: Um... hiya Cloud.
Cloud: I'LL KILL YOU!!! (Chases all three of them around)
Gohan: Oh crap, I'd better get home! Mom's going to kill me! (Flies out of there)
Sharky: Think of all the 151 I could've drunk...
Cait's Friend: Tequila man! (Untangles Minako by cutting the duct tape out of her hair)
(Back at Kami's lookout)
Shenrong: State your final wish.
Dav: I wish that all of mine and Ami-chan's things be moved from the AVALANCHE Hq to our new house in Kalm.
Shenrong: It has been done! (Disappears and the seven Dragon Balls are scattered once again to the corners of the earth)
Ami: You mean it?
Dav: Heh heh heh (Pulls out a deed) I bought it right after you told me you were pregnant.
Ami: How did you afford it?
Dav: Have you forgotten how much money we made in royalties from AVALANCHE Zone?
Ami: Oh, Dav! (Is about to squeeze him when she feels something) Uh oh, my water broke!
Dav: What?! But it's too early!
Ami: (Starts breathing heavily) Get me to a hospital!
Dav: Right! (Carries Ami onto Goku's Nimbus and makes a beeline to the nearest hospital)
(Outside of Midgar)
Minako: (Is walking down the street with Cait's Friend and hugging his arm.) I still can't believe you managed to last this long in the fic. It's your best time ever!
Cait's Friend: (Blushes) Tequila man.
(Suddenly, a huge explosion is heard down the street)
Sephiroth: (Chasing Eve, swinging the Masamune) I won't let you coddle him and turn him into a dork!
Eve: Tough s**t! (Fires several fireballs back at him)
Cait's Friend: V-BABE! (Tackles Minako to protect her from the attack)
Minako: Friend, you do love me! (Leans in to kiss him)
Sephiroth: (Thrusts the Masamune at Eve but misses and impales Cait's Friend) Oops, sorry about that. (Keeps chasing Eve)
Cait's Friend: Tequila... (Dies and collapses onto Minako)
Minako: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (Does the Cloud Strife Freakout, howls at the moon for a while, is taken to the mental hospital, and is still there to my knowledge)
(At the nearest hospital)
Ami: YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!
Dav: Calm down, Ami-chan. You need to breathe, breathe. (Looks down at the doctor) Are you sure you know what you're doing?
Dr. Evil: If I didn't then I wouldn't be a doctor. Now I can see the head, push!
Ami: (Gives a loud yell and pushes)
Dr. Evil: It's a boy!
Dav: Did you hear that?
Ami: (Sighs and smiles) At least it's over. (Feels another contraction) What the HELL?!
Dr. Evil: There's another one in there! Push!
(At the Hideout)
Cloud: We need to beef up the security at the factory, but I don't have any ideas.
Cait Sith: You don't have to worry about a thing, I took care of it already.
(The camera zooms into the front door of the Instant Plot Device-)
Everyone who appeared in the fic: JUST ADD WATER! WE KNOW ALREADY!!!
(factory where there is a sign that says "No Breaking In Please" hanging on it)
(A week later, in Kalm)
Dav: (Sits on the porch swing of his and Ami's house) I still can't believe it...
Ami: (Comes out and sits next to him) They're asleep. Still can't believe what?
Dav: That we twins. Zack has your hair, Rhea has your gentle eyes.
Ami: But Zack has your strong will and Rhea has your smile. (Yawns) But right now I sure could use some rest.
Dav: Well then, let's rest. (Carries her inside)
(And so the fic ends, each character all concluding in their own fashion)
(At the Hideout)
Cloud: (Is in with Tifa)
Tifa: (Is in with Cloud)
Vegeta: (Is in with Aeris)
Aeris: (Is in with Vegeta)
Pants: (Is asleep)
Red XIII: (Is working on his plans for a device to teleport him out of the way when someone pukes on him)
Cait Sith: (Is back to business as usual)
Cid/Barret: (Are fighting over who cheats on SSBM)
Vincent: (Is wearing earplugs while he sleeps)
(At Kame House)
Goku/Gohan: (Are hiding out from Chi Chi)
Tenshinhan: (Has gone off to get his vision correction surgery)
Piccolo: (Is meditating outside)
Trunks: (Has returned to the future)
Faris: (Has finally sobered up)
Butz: (Is finally finished with the repairs on the airship)
Krile: (Is chasing Krillin around)
Krillin: (Is running away from Krile and getting attacked by anything and everything)
Yamcha: (Is trying to comfort Master Roshi)
Master Roshi: (Is crying because he overloaded his computer, it exploded, and destroyed all his porn CDs)
(Elsewhere in Midgar)
Minako: (Is still screaming in her padded room over Cait's Friend's death)
Cait's Friend: (Is still dead)
Sephiroth: (Is still trying to kill Eve)
Eve: (Is still trying to kill Sephiroth)
Bob: (Is now the owner of the world's largest porn collection both magazine and Internet)
Steve: (Is working the Honey Bee Inn) BABES!
Steel: (Is off somewhere with A-Ko)
A-Ko: (Is off somewhere with Steel)
Sharky: (Is still trying to find a girlfriend)
Dave: (Is still trying to hide from Rei)
Dave: (Is still trying to hide from Makoto)
Makoto: (Is still trying to catch Dave)
Rei: (Is still trying to catch Dave)
Dav/Ami: (Are conceiving their next child)
(Wherever Golbez and his crew are now)
Golbez: (Is living off of the rest of his popcorn)
Valvalis: (Is still nude)
Rubicant: (Is trying to find parts for a new ship)
Kainazzo: (Is doing something pointless because I can't think of anything else)
Milon: (Is still the scapegoat, piece of trash, etc. of the Elements)
Ataru: (Is still trying to pick up girls)
Lum: (Is still shocking Ataru)
Mendou: (Is still trying to get Lum)
Shinobu: (Is still throwing desks at Mendou and Ataru)
Tidus: (Is still trying to get people to be able to say his name)
Yuna: (Is still not programmed to say Tidus's name)
Wakka: (Is still playing Blitzball)
Ranma: (Is still cursed)
Akane: (Is still beating on Ranma for no reason every turn he turns around)
Ryoga: (Is still sleeping with Akane)
Shampoo: (Is still chasing Ranma)
Mousse: (Is still chasing Shampoo)
Dyne: (Is still trying to convince the world that Ukyo is the best fiance for Ranma)
Ukyo: (Is very glad that Dyne sees her point and gives him a free okonomiyaki)
(On King Kai's planet)
Bubbles: (Is still the Poker champion)
Gregory: (Is being forced to work at McDonald's to pay off his phone bill)
King Kai: (Is playing computer solitaire)
The end. THE END?! YOU MEAN I'M FINISHED WITH THIS THING?!
(At Cait Sith's fortune telling service)
Cait Sith: Come one, come all! Fortune's told for only 100 gil!
Ami: (Walks in) I don't normally do this, but I want to know how successful my children's lives will be.
Cait Sith: All righty! Oh crystal ball, please show us the future of the offspring of this woman. (Looks closely) I can see something!
Ami: Really? What?
Cait Sith: Oh wait, that's a dirty spot. (Pulls out a rag and wipes it off)
Crystal Ball: Hey! Not so hard!
Ami: What the...? (Looks under the table)
Krillin: (Is standing underneath with the top of his head poking out the other side of the table and being used at Cait's crystal ball) Why me?
Written by: Dyne
Directed by: Dyne
Produced by: Dyne
Programmed by: Dyne
Continuity(?) by: Dyne
It's really the end.
You're not getting any more.
Stop looking for more fic!
You're not getting any!
All right, all right, you discovered the secret prize...
The meaning of life is...
If you didn't like it, too bad! Go back to the Hideout!