Real Tales of Final Fantasy 7
By Rude

Part1: The Looking Glass Bites the Dust

Michael: (In a deep announcer's voice) Hello and welcome to Real Tales of FF7. On last weeks episode, we brought you the story of Cloud Strife's desperate run from the IRS. If any of you viewers out there have seen him please call 1-888-U-RAT-OUT.
Mike: And now for this week's story. RedXIII is part of an endangered species and, as such, certain things need to be done to ensure his species' survival. Thus we bring you our story for today: " Return to the wild ". Our reporter for today is Clark Hartville.
Clark: Thank you Mike. I am reporting from RedXIII's home In Cosmo Canyon. Red, what are your thoughts on the government setting up reservations for your species?
Clark: Um; Mr. XIII we're on.
Red: What the hell are you talking about? This was supposed to be about me getting a part in Final Fantasy IX.
Clark: Uh, Well...
Red jumps behind the camera and screams can be heard. The camera gets knocked down and blood starts running over the lens.
Mike: ...oh dear god...we'll be right...back?

Commercial Break

Mike: We're back and we are here to bring you the continuing and tragic story of Tifa Lockheart's alcohol addiction. Since we happen to be down one reporter I personally did this interview myself (can I say that, personally and myself?)
Mike: Ms. Lockheart we would like to know, how have you been coping with your alcohol addiction?
Mike: Ummm...
Tifa: Okey, maybeeee I hadth a thouple too many tequelathh and a few (hic!) Vocktath, but I am noth Dennith Rodmanth!!!
Mike: But Ms. Lock...
Tifa: You know what Aerith I'm gonna thell youtppth off right nowth Because Clod isth mineth! I am the Queen of Englanth! And I... (Suddenly breaks down sobbing)
Mike: Well... uhh
Tifa: ...Damnth... (Hic!)
Mike: We'll be right back.
Tifa: Damnth...

Mike: We're back! And now that Tifa is somewhat sobered up...
Tifa: (from background) I am not drunkth!!! (Hic!)
Mike: ...we can get on with our next interview. Our next story is about a woman and her flowers... and her straight jacket. That woman is Aeris Gainsborough.
Mike: I'm reporting from the Kalm institute for the mentally unstable. Aeris, what happened to put you here?
Aeris: Pretty flowers
Mike: Oh god...
Aeris: Do you like flowers?
Mike: ...not again.
Aeris: Where is Cloud?
Mike: He's uhh...
Aeris: Where is Cloud!?
Mike: He's kinda...
Aeris: WHERE IS CLOUD!?!?!?!?!?!!
At this point several nurses rush in to restrain her and pump her with tranqs.
Aeris: Sleep... pretty flowers.
Mike: We'll she'll be out of it for a while. (As in the rest of her life.)
Mike: Well that's it for today's show. Firstly, because we're out of time and secondly, because I'm too terrified to do another interview. Oh, by the way, Cloud Strife was caught 5 miles from the Mexican border and is faced with tax fraud in the amount of $150,000. The person who is responsible for his capture is an anonymous tipster who calls himself Mr. T.

Part2: Will this never end?

Mike: Hello and welcome back to Real Tales of Final Fantasy 7. On last week's episode we brought you the stories of RedXIII, Tifa Lockheart, and Aeris Gainsborough. Now, for this week's episode we start you out with Cid Highwind. I personally went to Cid's House and interviewed him for your viewing pleasure.
Cameraman: Uh, sir we don't have the tape of that. Our producer kinda lost it.
Mike: WHAT?! When I get my hands on that little $%#@!*&(^!
Cameraman: Uh, sir you're still on the air.
Mike: Uh oh... ^%$#!
Producer: Found it! Oh and Mike you're still on the air!
Mike: Let's just get this over with.
Mike: This is Michael Grant reporting to you from...
Cid: brrrrrrroooooommmmm!
Mike: Uh, Cid?
Cid: Shhhhhh! I'm flying the Highwind!
Mike: But, Cid...
Cid: Vroooom (Makes machine gun noises)
Mike: Will this never end...
Cid: Vrooo... Wha!? No, Yuffie go away! Don't barf on meeeee!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! KA-BOOOOMMM!!!!!
Mike: On to the next interview! This time it's Vincent Valentine!
Mike: Vincent...
Vince: I am Galian Beast.
Mike: Uh, oh...
Vince: I am Frankenstin!
Mike: Oh God...
Vince: I am JASON!!
Mike: it comes...
Vince: I AM BATMAN!!!!!
Mike: Can I EVER get a single sentence o...
Vince: I vant to zuck your blood!
Mike: Back to you John.

Mike: Our final (thank God!) interview today is with Yuffie Kisaragi from the newly refitted Corel Prison.

Mike: (In Yuffies cell) Yuffie you're in here for stealing... 70,000 orbs of Materia! How in the hell did you do that!
Yuffie: If I told you then it wouldn't be a secret.
Mike: But Yuffie I think our viewing public (all 3 of 'em) deserves to know how you accomplished this.
Yuffie: Okayyyy, well first I (suddenly a bell rings)
Mike: What the hell?!
Yuffie: Yayyyy, lunch time! Today we're having grits and hog snouts!
Authors note: Bleechhh!
Mike: But, Yuff...
Yuffie: (Skipping away) Tralalalala.
Mike: Well, this is Michael Grant reporti... Hey, wait a minute! That b***h took my microphone!
Mike tries to follow Yuffie, but she is nowhere to be found.
Mike: (From studio) I'll get that little $#@% if it's the last thing I do. What? Holy crap we're on?! Uh, well, that's our show for today. So see ya nex... Uh, we just got a report that Yuffie died (deservedly), while choking, because she tried to swallow an entire hog snout at once, under the dare of another inmate (who I just happened to bribe). So for real, see you next time on Real Stories of the Highway Pat... Uh, I mean Real Tales of Final Fantasy 7!

Part3: I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener...

Mike: (whispering) that isn't what hash really tastes like, oh crap we're on?! Uh, this is Michael Grant bringing you the third installment of Real Tales of Final Fantasy 7. On this week's episode we bring you the remainder of the stories about the crew of Avalanche. This week we bring you the continuing story of Cloud's run from the IRS. I'm bringing you this story from the Kalm prison.

Mike: Cloud you had a sum of $150,000 in tax fraud. How how HOW!! did you manage to lose that much money?!
Cloud: Well I kinda uhhhh...
Mike: Just spit it out.
Cloud: Let me whisper it to you. (Leans over to whisper).
Mike: You spent it in hamster races?! What kind of moron would do that?!
Cloud: Well, they're so cute and fuzzy!
Mike: But hamster races?! Jeez, you could have at least lost it on a form of drug abuse or something!
Cloud: I'm sorry.
Mike: (Rubbing his forehead) Oh, man. Let's just get on with the interview. Well, what happened that got you caught?
Cloud: Well, I was about five miles from the border when I spotted some hamster tracks...
Mike: ...and you stopped by?
Cloud: Right. So I'm betting you see...
Mike: (dripping with sarcasm) It must be soooo addictive.
Cloud: Well I bet on number 7 and this guy who looks like a Mr. T impersonator tells me 'That hamstas mine foo'!' Then I say to him, "shove off!" And then I pull out the Ultima Weapon. So he backs off. Five minutes later the cops are pulling up and that's that.
Mike: Uh, huh. Well, this is getting lame fast so we'd better end this, now!!!
Cloud: Hell yea, foo'!
Mike: ?!
Cloud: Sorry, I've always wanted to say that.
Mike: Why don't we just move on to our next interview?

Mike: I'm here at the annual Rocket Town chili dog cook off! And I'm talking to the host of this year's chili dog cook off, Barret Wallace!
Barret: (Wearing matching shoes, shirt, pants, and cap that all say 'I love chili dogs!) Bout time foo'!
Mike: What the hell is foo'?!
Barret: It's foo' without a L!
Mike: There's no L in foo'!
Barret: Jes' git on wit the interview foo'!
Mike: Fine! Be a crybaby!
Barret: What chu...
Pikachu: Chuuuuuuuuuuu!!!
Mike: Dieeeee! You annoying little rat thingy!!!
Mike proceeds to pull out a gigantic M-60 and blow that little yellow striped turd into millions of unrecognizable pieces.
Barret: I'll bet it never saw tat comin!
Tweety: I tat I taw a putty tat!
Mike: Ahhhhh! It's Baaaack!
Mike does the same thing to Tweety that he did to Pikachu.
Barret: The hell was that for foo'!!!
Mike: It made me feel better. But, anyways, Barret there have been reports that you are now on a "Chili Dog diet".
Barret: Who the %^$# told you tat foo'!
Mike: I, uh...
Barret: You stupid little ^%$#**%$&((#@! I'll get you ya %$$#*&%$#&# #@$#@%#&*&#&%#%#&#&!#^%$@*&^$%!*$%#&^%$&#$@*^%*@#!@#^$##$^$#@$^$#@$%^%$#@#%%#%$^%$^^^%^$#@@$%^^$#@%% $@%*$#&%$*$#$#$##&%#$#&#&#^##&$#&#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Barret suddenly clutches his chest and his face seizes up. Then he falls to the ground with a thud.
Mike: (To cameraman) I think we'd better get out of here.
Cameraman: (nods)
They both run off, but not before taking his chili dogs.

Mike: The last interveiw is with Cait Sith, blah blah blah blah blah....

Mike: Hello Cait.
C.S.: It's about damn time I got some lines in these fics!
Mike: Yeah, Cait, Everyone in AVALANCHE has either gone crazy gotten arrested gone on a drinking spree...
Tifa: I am noth dunk!!!
Mike: ...or has wound up dead. Yet you have managed to come out on top why is that?
C.S. It's all thanks to my insta...
Mike: Don't say it cat!!!
C.S.: ...but it's because of my in...
Mike: I will punch your face in if you say it cat!!!
C.S.: ...but why can't I talk about my...
Mike: Because the author will get in a huge copyrighting thingie and he'll take it out on me!!!
C.S.: Oh.

Mike: Well that's all the time we have. So toon in next week for... What? What do you mean what do I mean by next week? Well apparently the author isn't going to let this thing die easily! So next week I'm going to be Interviewing three of the bad guys of FF7, Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! So stay tuned!

Part4:How to fix peking Chocobo

Mike: Hey, would ya look at that. We're back! And, on this week's show, we're covering some of the villains of FF7! This time we're going to interview all of them at once; ha ha ha! So, let's begin.

Mike: Our Guinea P... I mean our Interviewees for today are Sephiroth...
Sephiroth: Hi Mommy I'm on TV!
Mike: ...Clouds Hair...
Mike's cell phone rings.
Cloud: Ha ha, very funny...
Mike: ...Seriously, there's Palmer...
Palmer: ... with lots of lard!...
Mike: Uh, huh... and finally there's Rude (not the author the real one)...
Rude: .......
Mike: ..........
Rude: .............
Mike: ................!
Rude: ............................!!!
Mike: Fine, you win. (Weirdo...)
Rude: .....
Mike: Okay, we'll start with Palmer. Palmer, what is with the obsession with tea?
Palmer: I love tea! With butter, and ketchup, and Mayo, and lots of lard!
Mike: (Done throwing up in bucket) Well, if that isn't the nastiest thing I've heard... We'll just move on to Rude. Rude, why do the Turks keep running from AVALANCHE?
Rude: .....
Mike: Rude, you have to answer the question or you don't get the $7.50 I promised.
Rude: Fine, it's because we're all wusses and if we died it would make the game a lot less fun. There, you happy!!!
Mike: For that mister, you're getting a pay cut!!!
Rude: (Nasty head...)
Mike: I heard that!
Sephiroth: What about me!!!
Mike: You wait your turn!
Sephiroth: I'll tell mommy!
Mike: Shut up!!
Sephiroth: Hmmph... (Nasty Pants)
Mike: I heard that too!
Mike: Now Rude, you're the only character in the entire game without hair. Isn't that just a little bit odd?
Sephiroth: What about meeeeeeeee?!
Sephiroth: I'm sorry.
Mike: Anyways, this question isn't for YOU! Your hair is way too wild.
Rude: What are you talklng about? This is a skull cap. Sephiroth is the bald one.
Mike: ?!
Sephiroth: He's lying!
Rude: No, I'll show you. He's been as bald as a plucked chicken for years.
Rude pulls off Sephiroth's wig to show him as bald as ... well... a plucked chicken!
Sephiroth: Nooooooooo! No one must see my ugliness! Wahhhhhhhhh!!!!!
Mike: ....... Ho ....... ly ......crap........
Rude: See?
Mike/Palmer: .............
Rude: Stop stealing my lines!
Palmer: With tapioca too!
Rude: Just shut up about the tea dammit!
Mike: Well, we could bring in another villain. How 'bout... Cloud's hair stylist!
Mike's cell phone rings again.
Cloud: That's getting old real fast!
Mike: How the hell does he do that? This show isn't live.
Rude: His hair is psychic!
Rude's cell phone rings.
Rude: I don't have a cell phone...
Cloud: Would you stop with the hair jokes?!
Rude: No. (hangs up)
Mike: Well...
Rude's cell phone rings again.
Rude: But I don't have a cell phone.
Mike: Just pick it up.
Rude: Hello?
Aeris: Hello. Is this 1-900-SEX-TALK?
Rude: Aeris?!
Mike: Aeris?!
Palmer: Lard?! I mean Aeris?!
Aeris: Uh, oh...
Mike: Rude, put that thing up to the microphone!
Rude: But I don't have...
Mike: Just do it!
Palmer: Trademark of Nike.
All look at him oddly.
Palmer: Uh, I mean... Lard! Lots and lots of lard! Heh heh...
Aeris: What was that all about?
Mike: Never mind. Aeris aren't you supposed to be in a mental ward?
Rude: More importantly, why are you calling sex lines?
Palmer: And most importantly, where's the lard?
All (even Aeris): Shut up!
Aeris: More important than any of that, it's none of your business!(Hangs up)
Mike: (To man off set) Can we trace that?
Man: Not legally...
Rude: Then to the Rudemobile!
Mike: The Rudemobile?
Rude: Yeah, when you start it up it makes loud farting and belching noises!
Mike: Why don't we just take the TV van?
Rude: Whatever works for you...
They trace the call to the Kalm institute for the mentally unstable.
Rude: Mentally unstable?
Mike: It's a nice way of saying nutso.
Rude: Oh.
Palmer: Ow!
Mike: Palmer, what the hell are you doing back there?!
Palmer: I'm trying to get some tea out of this machine.
Mike: But Palmer we don't ha... Oh my God! No Palmer not the broadcasting antenna Nooooooo!!!
Rude: Let's just find Aeris.
Mike: Damn, you're right. (That was our best live antenna.)
Palmer: How are we going find Aeris without a tracer?
Rude: Every Turk has a portable phone tracer.
Mike: Don't leave home without it!
Palmer: Trade mark of Visa.
Mike: Will you cut that out?!
The three of them sneak in and trace the signals to a utility closet.
Rude: The signals are coming from this utility closet.
Mike: The author just wrote that you moron!
Rude: Well, let's just open the door.
Mike: Gee, ya think!?
Rude: The door's locked.
Mike: Then how the hell did Aeris get... Wait a minute, you moron! You're supposed to pull on the door not push!
Rude: Oh, heh heh.
The three walk in to find it completely dark.
Rude: It's completely dark.
Mike: Dammit you moron the auth...
Palmer: Wait someone's coming!
Mike: Palmer that's the first intelligent thing you've said all day.
The trio wait for the person to walk by.
Mike: This is a hellava large utility closet.
Rude: I can't believe we all fit in here especially with Palmer being so fat.
Palmer: Don't say fat.
Mike: Wait, where the hell is Aeris?
They stand in silence until whispers can be heard.
Rude: What's that?
Mike: Um, I wonder. Could it beeee... let's see here... maybe... Aeris!
Rude: Ow!
Mike: What?
Rude: My skull cap itches I'm takin it off.
Rude takes his skull cap off to reveal a very natural shock of blonde hair.
Mike: Ha ha ha ha ha, Rude's a, ha ha ha, blonde! Ha ha ha!
Mike falls down laughing.
Mike: Owwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!
Rude: What?
Mike: I fell down on a needle. What the hell is this stuff?!
Rude: Here use my flashlight.
Mike: Why didn't you give that to me earlier you moron?! Oh, well, let's see here.
Palmer: Is it lard?
Mike: (Dripping with sarcasm) Yes, Palmer it's lard. This is what they use to make their patients' arteries clog and then die so they don't have to take care of them anymore. (No longer sarcastic) Hey, that's not a bad idea...
Rude: Really what is it?
Mike: I can't make it out it's uh... Prozac!
Rude: This is bad, very bad...
Mike: Stop stealing lines!
Rude: Okay I've got to know. Who's line is that?
Mike: Never mind, let's find Aeris.
So they find Aeris blah blah blah blah...
Aeris: (doesn't notice them and is on a phone) Yeahhh that's naughty...
Mike: Aeris , this is supposed to be a family fic!
Aeris: (just notices them) But I...
Mike: I cannot believe you would do something like this.
Someone comes and knocks on the door.
Aeris: Someone's coming!
Mike: Again, that's what the author already wrote!
Person: Is someone in there?
Rude: Uh, no, go away!
Mike: You moron! What do you think you're doing?!
Rude: Stop calling me a moron!
Mike: (Shoves Rude) You are a moron!
Rude: Wahhh! Mommmyyyyyy! he shoved meeeeee!
Mike: Will you shut up?!
Rude: (Sniffle) No.
Person: That's it. I'm coming in!
Mike: On three, run for the door. One... Two... Three!
No one moves.
Mike: Why didn't you go?
Rude: Well I thought that you would say one, two, three, then go.
Aeris: Or maybe we should go on two?
Mike: No, not before three, not after three, three, got it?
Palmer: Maybe you should just say thr...
Mike: THREE!!!!!!!!! Everyone runs out just as the person is opening the door. They cream the unfortunate person and tear down the hallway chanting "We are the champions!"
Hojo: Ugh...
Mike: Was that Hojo we just killed?
Rude: Well, we didn't kill him.
Aeris: Wait a minute!
Everyone stops, except Palmer who has a 50 foot braking distance.
Aeris: These initials... C.H.? Someone is in this room.
Mike: You think?! Wait... C.H.? Cid Highwind!
Rude: Why's Cid here?
Mike: Didn't you read the second part in this series?
Mike hands him the second part.
Rude: Oh.
Aeris: We gotta get him out!
Mike: Why?
Rude: Because she said so young man!
Mike: Oh, well then we gotta get him out!
Aeris: I just said that!
Rude: But how are we going to get through that door?
Palmer: (Who just happens to be getting back) Hey guys what's the hold up?
Uhm, guys why are you giving me that look? Guys...
They bash through the door with Palmer as the battering ram.
Palmer: You owe me a tea party for this!
Aeris: Whatever! Just stop squirming!
The door finally caves in and the four of them rush in.
Mike: Cid! We've come to rescue y...
Cid: Brooooooommmmmm.
Aeris: What's with him?
Mike: He thinks he's still flying the Highwind.
Aeris: Whatever! Let's just get out of here!
Rude: Uh, guys...
Mike/Aeris: What?!
Rude: Palmer's out cold.
Mike: So what, let's just get out of here!
Cid: Ptttttoooommmmm!
So they run out of there, and they're almost out when Mike notices something.
Mike: Hey guys I just noticed something.
Rude: (And he yells at me for copying the author.)
Aeris: What is it?
Mike: I think the Prozac is... starting to... take.... effect...
Mike slumps to the floor unconsious.
Rude: What're we going to do with him?
Aeris: Forget him! Let's get out of here!
Cid: Vrooooommmm!
Rude: But if we leave him here, the author will kill us!
Author: Damn straight! He's the only one I've got! (sniff)
Aeris: Fine!
So they pick up Mike and drag him out of the hospital.
Aeris: Finally we're out of there!
Mike: ...ugh...huh?...
Rude: Looks like the Prozac'a wearing off.
Cid: Whhhirrrrr! Vroooommmm! Psheeewwww!
Rude: What're we going to do with him?
Mike: (Getting up) Hang on. (Hands Cid some hash.)
Rude: Yet another shameless cliché. What is with that anyways. I mean, who likes hash?!
Aeris: You know how Popeye the Sailorman has spinach? Cid has hash!
Cid: Don't be dissin my hash!
Mike: Told ya it would work.
Rude: Now that's over, Aeris why were you in that hospital anyways?
Aeris: I like the little JELL-O dishes they give you.
Mike/Rude: ..........
Cid: Where the hell's the rest of the gang?
Cloud: Right here!
Tifa: Me too!
Cloud: And there'd better not be any hair jokes either!
Rude: Damn.
Mike: Tifa, you're sober!
Tifa: Yeah, I contacted AA and they said they'd have to assign a special forces unit to my case!
Aeris: (Seething with sarcasm) You must feel soooooo special.
Cloud: Well, bye!
Mike: Hey! They stole my damn TV van! I was almost done with the payments on that thing!
Aeris: Oh, well.
Cid: Aeris, aren't you going to go chase after them and have the standard Tifa and Aeris catfight?
Aeris: Hell no! I've got Rude here!
Rude: Hell yeah!
They drive off in the rudemobile making rude (lousy pun) noises all the way.
Cid: Well. what the hell are we going to do now?
Mike: Do you remember how to fly the Highwind?
Cid: Highwind? What's a Highwind?
Sephiroth: (still without a wig) There he is mommy. That's the one that made fun of me!
Jenova: (While crossing her uh... tentacles) Did you make fun of my little baby?
Sephiroth: Get him mommy. (Starts to suck his thumb)
Jenova: Arrgh!
Cid: You thinkin what I'm thinkin?
Mike: Yep, run for your lives!!!


No hairstylists were hurt in the making of Cloud's hair.
Disclaimer: All FF7 characters are the property of Square. Popeye the Sailorman is the property of his creator. JELL-O is the property of it's creator (or possibly Bill Cosby heh heh). Dennis Rodman is the property of Dennis Rodman. Mike is the property if me and Clouds hair is the property of the civilization that resides in it.
Cloud: Enough with the hair jokes already!

We can make fun of Cloud's hair as much as we want! Head back?