The RPG Deathmatches
Jenova Battle (Final Fantasy VII)
At the Breath of Fire III Arena.
Host: Welcome to the first annual RPG characters deathmatches! I'm your host Dav Cole, I was crated by the author for several appearances in his fics. If you're like one of those Cait Siths out there and don't like new guys, TOO BAD!!!
Dekar: Take it easy Dav.
Dav: This is my co-host Hydeka (Dekar) from Lufia II.
Dekar: We've got some, of course, killer matches lined up this afternoon.
Dav: Plus a few cameos, as we see the seats filling up. Banjo and Kazooie are here, there's Alucard, X and Zero, plus others. Anyway, we have 10 matches for you here, and here they are, in random order.
Bob Saget: I miss saying that line.
Dav: Shut up and get outta the Hosts' Booth!
Dekar: Yeah. There's Edge and Mario vs. Ebisumaru and Geno...
Author's Note: I consider Mystcial Ninja: Starring Goemon an RPG.
Dav: There's also Tifa and Mallow vs. Aeris and Toadstool. But if Cloud dies in his match it'll just be Aeris vs. Toadstool.
Dekar: There's Locke, Rei, Yuffie, and Karn all vs. each other, Cloud and Mustadio vs. Maxim and Yae.
Dav: The 3 Ryus and the 3 Ninas all vs. each other, Highwind, Epoch, Excerion, and the Enterprise all vs. each other, Delita vs. Goemon.
Dekar: Also Vincent, Shadow, and Magus fighting each of them, Ox and Bow vs. Rand and Bo... what the hell?
Dav: And our featured match, the last bosses of each fighting characters' games all vs. each other!
Dekar: There's Sephiroth, Kefka, Zeromus, the four Sinistrals, Tyr, DeathEvn, Myria, Dancin' and Lily, Smithy, Altima, and Lavos!
Dav: The first match will begin in a few moments. First we'll meet our announcer, Cait Sith.
Cait Sith: Hello.
Dav: Our referee, Ramza Beoulve.
Ramza: Alma! I'm coming!
Dav: And if Ramza should be killed (hopefully), our substitute ref, Garr.
Dav: And our interviewer, Palmer.
Dekar: Why Palmer?
Dav: Would you rather have Strago?
Dekar: Hell no!
Dav: Okay, our first match is ready to start!
Cait Sith (through megaphone): The first match is about to start. In side one, hailing from Breath of Fire, Ryu and Nina! In side two, hailing from Breath of Fire II, Ryu and Nina! And in side three, from Breath of Fire III, Ryu and Nina! And now excuse me while e I call Capcom and tell 'em "MORE ORIGINALITY!!!"
Dav: Fine by me.
Contestants step out
Author's Note: The characters are labeled with their appropriate numbers, like on Cid Wars.
The match begins with the Ryus fighting each other while the Ninas fight each other.
RyuI: You can't beat me! I can use my dragon powers for as long as I want!
RyuIII: Shut up! At least I can use all sorts of dragons!
RyuII: Dammit! Why am I the only one who uses all of his AP for a single attack?
RyuIII: That's 'cause you're a loser!
RyuII: At least my game is decent and doesn't have naked chicks!
(Author's note: That part of the game was just plain SICK!!!)
Perverts in audience: Naked chicks? WOW! (Run off to buy BOFIII)
RyuIII: HA! Now we know that my game got the most sales!
RyuII: That's it! (Summons G-Drgn)
RyuIII: (Turns into Kaiser Dragon)
G-Drgn: (Starts crying and runs away)
RyuIII: (Blows away RyuII)
Cait Sith: And RyuII is dead, let's check the Nina fight.
NinaII (Beating NinaI): It's all your fault that Windians can't fly any more!
NinaIII: Wyndian's could fly? It's all your fault! (Starts to beat)
NinaI: (Casts Cura4)
NinaII: How come we have attack magic while you get healing spells.
NinaI: Maybe because everyone likes me the most.
NinaIII: Oh yeah? At least we don't look like sluts with that "bathing suit" look!
NinaI: (Points at NinaII) She does.
NinaII: HO!!! (Bitch slaps NinaI and summons Great Bird)
Great Bird: (Pecks NinaI to death)
Cait Sith: There goes NinaI! Meanwhile the two Ryus are now dragons!
RyuI (As Agni): Give it up! You can't win!
Andrew: Hey, that's my line!
RyuI: Shut up! (Kills Andrew)
Andrew: Uncle Andross!
RyuIII: (Uses distraction to kill RyuI)
Cait Sith: All right! RyuI croaked and NinaII is looking weak.
NinaIII: (Beating NinaII with her staff) Take this and that!
NinaII: (Moves out of the way) Oh yeah! (Casts BoltX)
NinaIII: (Unhurt completely) Is that the best you can do? (Casts Myollnir)
NinaII: (Gets electrocuted so badly she explodes)
Perverts in audience: Booooooo!!!!
Cait Sith: Sweet! It's down to RyuIII and NinaIII.
Nina: Ryu, I don't want to fight you.
Ryu: And why not?
Nina: Because... ever since we were kids... I love you!
Ryu: Really? Then let's get outta here.
Ramza: Hey! What're you doing? This is a deathmatch not a love match!
Ryu/Nina: Too bad.
Kazooie: Hey Banjo, look up there.
Banjo: Huh? Who is that?
Bottles (That damn mole): It looks like you sister.
Banjo: Naw, she can't fly.
Kazooie: You two are morons! That's Gruntilda!
Gruntilda: (Flies down on broom) Now that I've lost Tooty, I've given that idea the booty. But now I'll take Nina the winner, I'll see you all when I am thinner. (Grabs Nina and ties her to the broom) Now that I have the beautiful Nina, I'll take my leave, so, see ya! (Flies away)
Kazooie: Damn! I hate those rhymes!
Banjo: Let's go Kazooie. Dyahah!
Kazooie: Not again!
Ryu: I'm going with you. (The leave)
In Hosts' Booth.
Dav: Well, that was one strange ending
Dekar: Yeah, Gruntilda must be getting desperate.
Dav: Anyway there are a few minutes before the next match. We have a guest-host up here with us.
Dekar: No ordinary guest.
Dav: That's an understatement.
Guest: Well! Why don't you introduce me?!!!
Dav: sorry, the star of the cheap Japanimation Final Fantasy movie, Prettz.
Prettz: It's about time!
Dekar: Okay uh.. Prettz, what was your opinion of the match?
Prettz: The stupid witch should've taken NinaII, she's a lot cuter!
Linaly (Prettz's girlfriend): I heard that Prettz, I'm leaving you!
Prettz: Oh my god! Wait, Linaly! (Runs after her)
Dav: O...kay, anyway the vehicles are ready for battle. Cait, give us the contestants.
Cait Sith: In corner one, piloting the Highwind, Cid Highwind!
Cid: (Pulls out a can of hash)
Cait Sith: In corner two, piloting the Epoch, Crono!
Crono: (Does his gay @$$ victory pose)
Cait Sith: Corner three, piloting Excerion, Lexis!
Lexis: (Just stands there)
Cait Sith: And in corner four, piloting the Enterprise, Cid of Baron!
Cid B: (Waves)
Pecard: Computer, is there an Enterprise six?
Dav: Hey Pecard, wrong story.
Pecard and the computer vanish.
Ramza: Okay pilots, mount your vehicles!
Pilots: (Run into their vehicles and start 'em up)
Vehicles: (Each play their music)
Lexis: D'oh, I put it in submarine mode! (Changes Excerion in to blimp)
Everyone watches the skies as the four vehicles act like bulls in a china shop. After a few minutes.
Epoch: (Fires laser at Excerion)
Laser: (Hits the balloon on Excerion)
Excerion: (Turns into glider and keeps moving)
Excerion: (Fires all of its reserves at the Epoch)
Epoch: (Flies out of control straight into Lavos)
Lavos: (Wails and dies)
Dav: Well, there's one less contestant to worry about for the last bosses.
Cid: All right %$%# son of a #$^@%! Come and get me.
Cid B: Gladly, stupid spoony!
Cid: What the hell did you call me!!?
Highwind: (Shoots all of its missile reserves at the Enterprise)
Enterprise: (Blows up with its crew and bombs. Blood and ashes cover the audience.)
Audience: (Pukes all over Red XIII)
Red XIII: Oh no!
Cait Sith: All right! Crono and Cid of Baron bit the dust! It's down to Excerion and the Highwind!
The Highwind and Excerion prepare to dogfight (since they're out of ammo) when the sky opens and Andross comes out.
Andross: Which one of you killed my nephew?
Cid: Uh... he did it. (Points at Lexis)
Andross: (Inhales and eats Excerion) Now for you!
Cid: Wait a $^#&^* minute you incredibly stupid &@$+@%#!!!
Crew member: Reload of ammunition complete Captain.
Cid: 'Bout damn time. Okay, here I go, watch this!
Highwind: (Blows the crap outta Andross)
Fox: Well that saved us a lot of trouble.
Cait Sith: And the winner is Cid and the Highwind!
Cid: (Opens the can of hash)
In Hosts' Booth
Dav: All right! That's the best match I've seen in a long time!
Dekar: Not only did Cid win, he saved the Lylat System as well.
Dav: And I can see our guest-host is back. Prettz, what'd you think of that one?
Prettz: I'd say Cid gave that big monkey an explosive migraine! Heh heh.
Dav: Dammit! I'm sick of your idiotic comments! JUSTICE-SLASH!!!
Prettz: (Gets thrown up REALLY high into the air)
Dekar: That Prettz guy certainly was a loudmouth.
Dav: Yeah, anyway the pieces of rubble and the body parts are now cleared away. It's time for match number 3!
Dekar: It's to determine the greatest game thief. Locke, Yuffie, Rei, and Karn all vs. each other!
Dav: And to give Rei and Karn a fair match, I have conveniently stolen Yuffie's materia and Locke's magicite.
Locke/Yuffie: What kinda BS is that?
Cait Sith: In the first corner! the Final Fantasy VII #^#%&, Yuffie Kisarigi!
Yuffie: I heard that!
Cait Sith: In corner two, the FF6 thief, Locke Cole!
Locke: I PREFER the term "Treasure Hunter"!
Dav: So do I gramps but you don't hear me complaining.
Cait Sith: In corner three, from Breath of Fire III, Rei.
Rei: (Scratching head) Doesn't this just beat all...
Cait Sith: And in the fourth corner, from Breath of Fire, Karn!
Karn: (Jumps up and down)
Ramza: All right contestants, I want a nice, bloody battle. And Locke, NO STEALING CLOTHES!!!
Locke: All right! All right! (Puts Ramza's shirt back onto him)
Women in audience: (Stop puking all over Red XIII)
Rei: (Draws knives)
Karn: (Draws a dagger)
Yuffie: (Takes out Conformer) Ha! Little punks have wimpy little knives!
Locke: Oh yeah? (Draws Atma Weapon) Ha! What're you gonna do now?!
Yuffie: (Panics and runs around in little circles)
Luke: So that's what happened to my first lightsaber.
Han: Well, take it back then Kid.
Leia: Yeah, it is a family heirloom.
Luke: You're right (Jumps into ring)
Ramza: Hey! No audience participation!
Luke: (Points lightsaber at Ramza) I'm ready.
Ramza: Okay okay... you can go in...
Locke (About to kill Yuffie): Whoa! (Ducks from Luke's attack)
Zero: I could get into this!
X: Shut up and watch Zero!
Yuffie: (Continues to panic)
Dav: Hold it! Stop the fight!
Dav: You Star Wars characters get the hell outta here! The Celebrity Deathmatch 2 is Cloud's story!
SW Characters: (Vanish and appear to see Red XIII set Chewbacca on fire)
Back at our arena.
Ramza: Okay, FIGHT!
Locke: (Steals the Conformer from Yuffie)
Yuffie: (Steals Karn's dagger)
Karn: (Steals Rei's knives)
Rei: (Steals the Atma Weapon)
Yuffie: That does it! GREASED LIGHTNING!!!
Singers: Greased Lightning, go Greased Lightning!
Dekar: Huh? What was that?
Dav: The singers from Grease are in the audience!
Dav/Dekar:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo!!!!! (Camera keeps zooming in and out on 'em)
Locke: (Gets critically wounded.)
Locke: Crud! (Uses Mirager)
Yuffie: Damn! Beaten by my own weapon! (Dies)
Karn: (Finishes Locke)
Cait Sith: Yes! Yuffie and Locke are both dead! It's down to Rei and Karn.
Karn: Fool, you can't beat me, I can morph!
Rei: Oh yeah? (Turns into Weretiger)
Karn: Yeah! (Turns into Puka)
Rei: What the hell kinda name is Puka!
Karn: Because the audience is gonna Puka all over you!
Rei and Karn dish it out, neither one gaining the advantage; until both have one hit left, and it's Karn's turn!
Karn: Ha ha ha! Say "bye-bye"
Prettz: (Lands on Karn and kills him)
Rei (Back to normal): Doesn't that just beat all... (Scratches head)
Cait Sith: And the winner is Rei!
In Hosts' Booth.
Dav: Okay, it seems we have some more extra minutes while they fill in the Prettz-shaped hole.
Dekar: I think Rei was just lucky.
Dav: I agree. Anyway, since I killed Prettz we have our backup guest-host here, Barret Wallace.
Barret: I'm jes glad ta be here Dav.
Dav: So Barret, what'd you think of that match?
Barret: I'm glad that #^#$^ Yuffie got what was comin' to her!
Dekar: Yeah, but in the next match I don't want to see a guest pop in.
Dav: What do you mean?
Dekar: Like when Gruntilda kidnapped NinaIII or when Andross ate Excerion.
Dav: That reminds me, I sent Lakitu from Mario RPG off to record the action there. (Turns on video screen)
Dav: It looks like Banjo-Kazooie has turned into a new version of Breath of Fire III.
Dekar: How so?
Dav: As you can see, every time they run into a monster, a whole new battle screen opens up.
Dekar: Now they're approaching the lair. And that cutscene is coming.
Barret: Why da' hell does Gruntilda wait to steal the youth? She could do it while they's runnin' around!
Dav: Watch, here's why.
TV (Nina): (Beating Grunty) What's the big idea bringing me here? I'm the princess of Wyndia!
TV (Grunty): Ouch! You little brat stop pulling my hair! Klungo I need you, come here!
TV (Klungo): (Grabs Nina)
Before anything else happens the camera goes off.
Dav/Dekar/Barret: What the hell!?
Dav (Speaking into radio): Lakitu get that camera fixed or I'll send you to those damn Barney games!
Radio (Lakitu): Y...Yes sir!
Dav: That's how you get someone to do something quickly. Let's have Palmer interview someone.
Dekar: He's stuck in the toilet bowl.
Dav: Well, that's Palmer.
Dekar: Anyway, it looks like the next match is ready to begin. Delita vs. Goemon!
Cait Sith: In corner one! From Final Fantasy Tactics, Delita Hyral!
Delita: (Walks in place)
Cait Sith: And in the other corner. The star of Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon: Goemon.
Goemon: (Circles head) Daac sau!
Ramza: All right, FIGHT!
Delita: (Walks toward Goemon but is too far away to attack)
Goemon: (Runs a safe distance away and throws a medal at Delita)
Delita: (Moves but still can't act)
Goemon: Little pansy boy can't hit me!
Delita: Shut up, I least I don't use a geeky dumb @$$ pipe!
Goemon: That's it! Eeap cheg!!! (Uses Sudden Impact and beats Delita with his pipe)
Delita (Blood coming from head): Ugh... Ramza, what did you get? (Runs away)
Ramza: Delita you coward! Come back here! I will not disgrace my family! (Runs after Delita)
In Hosts' Booth.
Dav: God I hate that line. But did anyone notice he never says it in the game?
Dekar: Be thankful, Ramza's gone.
Dav: Yeah. Garr, you're reffing!
Cait Sith: And the winner by default due to cowardace, Goemon!
Goemon: (Circles head) Daac sau.
Back in Hosts' Booth.
Barret: Dat damn match was too damn short!
Dav: At least Dekar got his wish.
Dav: No cameo interruptions!
Dav: Since there were no blood or guts to clean up from the last match, the next one will begin now.
Dav: the next one will be begin now! Now! NOW!!! ... CAIT!!!
Cait Sith (Making out with Katt): Oh... sorry. (Picks up megaphone) In team one, Cloud Strife and Mustadio whatever his last name is!
Cloud: (Twirls sword)
Mustadio: (Readies gun)
Cait Sith: And in side two! Maxim and Yae!
Maxim: (Just stands there)
Yae: (Jumps up and down)
Garr: (Stretches) Fight.
Cloud and Maxim battle with swords while Mustadio and Yae fight with gun and Yae Bazooka.
Maxim: You think you're so tough with your "Limit Breaks"!
Cloud: Well if I add "freely" to my limit, it wouldn't sound so idiotic like your anger special.
Maxim: You mean "IP freely"?
Cloud: Those are you words, not mine!
Maxim: Grrr... (Uses Dragonfire)
Cloud: (Absorbs the fire damage) Is that the best you can do? OMNI-SLASH!!!
Cloud: (Finishes Maxim)
Maxim's spirit: Selan, I'm so tired. Let me sleep with you.
Sephiroth: (Runs out) No! You must become one with the Planet! (Sucks up Maxim's spirit energy and leaves)
Cait Sith: All right! Maxim didn't stand a chance, and he'll never see his wife again! Let's check Mustadio and Yae!
Mustadio (Firing rapidly): Eat this @$$hole!
Yae (Blocking with Sword Shield): Is that all? (Fires some homing missiles)
Mustadio: (Standing in a pile of his blood) Ugh... I won't go down that easily. (Uses Flood Geomancy)
Yae: Aaaa! Wait a second. (Turns into mermaid)
Perverts in audience: Wow! (Make wolf sounds)
Yae: (Finishes Mustadio and turns back to normal)
Mustadio: Father... I'm sorry.
Basrodio: I never did like him.
Cloud: Hey @%$#$, what're you doing?!
Yae: My job. (Fires a grenade)
Cloud: (Kicks grenade into Palmer's donut tray)
Palmer: (Eats grenade and explodes.)
Cid: (Waving Confederate flag) Hell yeah! As good as he Dukes!
Palmer's lard: (Covers the audience)
Audience: (Pukes all over Red XIII)
Red XIII: Oh come on, not again!
Yae: I guess I'll have to do this the old way. (Draws katana)
Cloud: Too late! (Cuts her sword in two)
Cloud: (Knocks Yae out cold)
Yae: (Just lies there unconscious)
Audience: Finish her! Finish her!
Cloud: I have a better idea. (Wraps Yae in chains and throws her off of the cliff, into the ocean.)
Cait Sith: Now that's a finisher! The winner is Cloud!
Cloud: (Does his victory dance thingamadoo)
In Hosts' Booth.
Barret: Hell yeah!
Dav: A fitting end.
Dekar: But now we don't have an interviewer any more.
Dav: How quickly you forget. Here's our backup, Setzer Gabbianni.
Dekar: Okay then.
Dav: It really didn't matter, Palmer didn't do anything.
Radio (Lakitu): Okay sir, the camera is fixed!
Dav: Great! It'll take a while to clean up Maxim and Palmer. (Turns on screen)
Dav: Ryu and Banjo have already gotten through all of the worlds and are ready to fight Grunty.
Barret: Damn man, that was fast!
TV (Grunty): Once again I fight that hoser. I will win and not that loser!
TV (Ryu): Shut up! You're rhymes only get worse! (Turns into Warrior and uses Aura)
TV (Grunty): Ow! Okay I'll stop rhyming but this time I have backup!
TV: (The Turks enter)
Barret: What the hell?
Dyne: I got a letter from 'em saying they wanted a part in this fic.
TV (Ryu): (Turns into Kaiser and blows the Turks away)
Dyne: Happy now?
TV (Reno): Very... (Dies, as does the camera)
Dav: Godammit! Lakitu, you're fired! Go cover Super Mario 64!
Dekar: Since the TV is no good we have to resort to interviews. Setzer!
Setzer: I'm down here in the locker room with Sephiroth. Seph, are you ready for your biggest match ever?
Sephiroth: Of course, I will have them all become one with the Planet and eventually one with me! (Laughs menihically)
Setzer: So... you're going to sleep with their spirits?
Seph: Well... yes, that's the truth.
Setzer: So you admit your true intentions on nationwide TV?
Sephiroth: I'm on TV? No! I mean no!
Dav: Sorry Seph, we all know now.
Sephiroth: Nnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Kills himself)
Dav: That's what happens when you're insane. But if this keeps up we'll be short one match. Anyway, it's time for the next one.
Dekar: Vincent, Shadow, and Magus all against each other!
Dav: Why can I see Alucard interfere in this one?
Dekar: Wait! A late entry, it seems Alucard is going to join this battle!
Dav: Told 'ya.
Cait Sith: In corner one, from Final Fantasy 7, Vincent Valentine!
Vincent: (Throws his cape back)
Cait Sith: In corner two, from Final Fantasy 6, Shadow!
Shadow: (Scratches head and feeds Interceptor)
Cait Sith: In corner three, from Chrono Trigger, Magus!
Magus: (Cape flowing in the wind) The Black Wind howls...
Cait Sith: And from Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, in corner four, Alucard!
Alucard: I've come to put an end to this.
Garr: Fight. (Stretches)
The battle begins with Vincent fighting Alucard and Shadow fighting Magus (with Magus' music playing).
Vincent (Firing rapidly with Gold PP7): Take this you damn loser!
Alucard (Blocking with shield): My my, such language. I'm going to have to teach you some manners (turns into wolf).
Vincent: Shut up! (Turns into Death Gigas and charges Alucard)
Alucard: (Turns into mist and dodges)
Alucard: See, isn't that more appropriate?
Vincent: Grrr... (Charges again)
Alucard: (Dodges again the same way)
Cait Sith: It seems Vincent can't hurt Alucard!
Vincent: Now I know how Prettz felt when he tried to fight Mid's ghost.
Author's note: He's talking about the Final Fantasy Japanimations, Mid is a character from FF5.
Alucard: I tire of this. (Slashes with Crissaegrim)
Vincent: (Gets diced and blood flies everywhere)
Alucard: And your tarts were awful.
Cait Sith: And Vincent is gone! Let's check Shadow and Magus!
Magus: Very well then, if you're prepared for the void.
Shadow: Shut up farm boy!
Magus: Farm boy? That does it! (Throws scythe)
Shadow (Hurt): Ah! Get 'em Interceptor!
Interceptor: (Attacks Magus)
Magus: (Dodges and casts Dark Matter)
Relm: You killed Interceptor? You bastard! (Jumps into ring)
Magus: A little child? Ha! (Laughs menihically)
Relm: That does it! I'm gonna paint your portrait! (Paints his portrait)
Magus (Doesn't know what the hell she's talking about): I think you got my hair a little too... holy s**t!
Portrait: (Kills Magus)
Shadow: Hey, he was mine!
Relm: Was not!
Shadow: Was too!
Relm: Was not!
Shadow: Was too!
Relm: Was not!
Shadow: Was too!
During this argument Alucard kills both Shadow and Relm.
Cait Sith: And the winner is Alucard!
Dracula: Well met my son!
Alucard: Father...I was hoping we would not see each other again. How the hell did you get resurrected this time?
Dracula: An INSTANT PLOT DEVICE!
Cloud (The author): Just add water.
Cait Sith (The author): The INSTANT PLOT DEVICE is copyrighted 1 3/4 by us.
Alucard: Well, I don't want to have this conversation again. (Kills Dracula)
Richter: Hey! I wanted a piece of him!
Alucard: Too bad.
Richter: That does it! (Jumps into ring)
Alucard and Richter Belmont fight and soon Richter gains the advantage.
Alucard: Aaugh! I think I'm done for!
Maria (Runs in): Alucard! Alucard your strength! (Makes Alucard invincible)
Richter: Oh... my...
Alucard: (Cuts Richter into a million pieces)
Cait Sith: That was a nice extra match!
Alucard: Thank you Maria. (Starts to leave)
Maria: Wait, I won't let you leave me again.
Alucard: You mean...?
Cait Sith: Aw, another happy ending. Now get the hell out!
Alucard: Sorry. (Leaves with Maria)
In Hosts' Booth.
Dav: All right, now that the match is over and we have nothing to do, we'll move on.
Dekar: It's Edge and Mario vs. Ebisumaru and Geno!
Dav: Personally I don't think Ebisumaru stands a chance, he sucks!
Cait Sith: In side one, Edge and Mario!
Cait Sith: And in side two, Ebisumaru and Geno!
Ebisumaru: Eechi mato cook!
Garr: (Stretches) Fight.
As you expected Edge and Ebisumaru fight while Mario and Geno battle each other.
Edge: You can't defeat me, I'm a prince.
Ebisumaru: Shut up you weirdo!
Edge: Weirdo? I'm not the one who takes his clothes off in the store and dances!
Ebisumaru: I was trying to get a discount!
Edge: I'll give you a discount, half off! (Slashes at Ebisumaru's head)
Ebisumaru: (Dodges and uses wind-up camera)
Edge (Blinded): Aaugh! I'll do you for that! (Slashes and cuts Ebisumaru's hand off)
Ebisumaru: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! (Uses Mini-Ebisu)
Edge: You little pansy! Come here!
Ebisumaru: Okay. (Regrows behind Edge and whacks him with his hammer)
Cait Sith: And Ebisumaru has turned the tide! Let's see how Mario and Geno are doing!
Geno: Hey Mario, here's a wish for ya, I wish you were dead!
Mario: Shut up! (Starts to beat Geno with a plunger)
Geno: Ow, hey! STOP!
Mario: (Jumps on Geno's head)
Geno: That's it! (Uses Geno Flash)
Mario: Ow! Hey dolly, EAT THIS! (Uses Ultra Flame)
Geno (Gets set on fire): AAAAAHHHHHH!!! (Runs around panicking)
Ebisumaru: (Hits Edge again) Ha! This should finish you! (Raises hammer)
Geno: (Runs into Ebisumaru, knocking him down)
Edge: All right! (Lifts Ebisumaru with his swords and throws him into Geno.)
Ebisumaru/Geno: (Burn to death)
Mario: Oh man, I wasn't done with him!
Cait Sith: The winners are Edge and Mario!
Edge: I did it for you Rydia.
Rydia: Oh give me a break!
Cecil: I think we need to have Cid beat him up again.
Kain: Cid Highwind killed him.
Cecil: Oh yeah...
In Hosts' Booth
Dav: These matches are getting too short.
Dekar: I agree, but the cameo interruptions are nice.
Dav: I thought you hated cameo interruptions!?
Barret: Remember Dav, he ain't very bright.
Dekar: But just remember, I'm the world's greatest swordsman.
Dav: You know, I'm sick of your bragging! I'm going to give you a choice.
Dav: Admit you suck, or die.
Dekar: I'm the best!
Dav: So be it. (Snaps)
The Turks run in and kill Dekar.
Barret: Wait a damn minute, I thought the Turks was dead!
Reno: Cloud used another Instant Plot Device.
Rude: Just ad water.
Dav: O...kay. Since Dekar is dead Barret is now the co-host and we have to bring out our reserve backup guest-host. Someone I'm sure you've never heard of. The star of six Japanimation films, child A! (Better known as A-Ko)
A-Ko: Wow, I actually got to come out!
Dav: Now, I understand you have super-human powers?
Barret: Hey Dav, ain't she the one who...
Dav: Shut up, do you want the perverts to get riled up again?
(Authors' note: She fights in her underwear in number 5)
Barret: Hell no!
Dav: All right then, time for the next match!
Cait Sith: In side one, Rand and Bo!
Rand: (Cracks knuckles)
Bo: (Readies Bow)
Cait Sith: And in side two, Ox and uh... Bow.
Ox: (Punches the wall and makes a gay @$$ face)
Bow: (Just stands there)
Rand attacks Bow while Bo fights Ox.
Rand: You stinkin' pansy, come and get me!
Bow: (Shoots arrow)
Arrow: (Bounces off of Rand)
Bow: Oh crap...
Rand: (Punches Bow as hard as he can)
Bow: (Flies into a wall) Ugh... right! (Fires another arrow)
Rand: (Gets hit in the groin)
Rand (Really high voice): AAAAAAAA!!! That does it! (Rolls into ball and crushes Bow)
Bow: (Dies in a REALLY bloody mess)
Audience: (Pukes all over Red XIII)
Red XIII (Wearing rain gear): Ha! I was prepared this time!
Cait Sith: It's gonna take a while to clean up Bow with a spatula! Let's check Ox's and Bo's progress!
Ox: I'll get you!
Bo: Oh yeah!? (Fires arrows rapidly)
Ox: (Loses both eyes) Oh s**t! (Swings hammer wildly)
Ox: (Breaks his way through the arena to the outside)
Bo: Man, I never thought he was that dumb.
Ox: (Keeps swinging forward until he lands in the ocean)
Yae (As mermaid but still wrapped in chains): Hey! Big lug! Come over here and untie me!
Cait Sith: Ox and Bo win!
In Hosts' Booth
Barret: Hell yeah!
A-Ko: Has this been going on the whole time?
Dav: Yep, while they clean up Bow with a spatula let's see if we can find out what happened to Ryu.
Barret: Hey, ya fired Lakitu!
Dav: Backup! I sent that idiot Edward. (Turns on TV)
A picture of a door appears.
Dav (Speaking to radio): Uh Edward, hat the hell's going on?
Radio (Edward): Well, they won't let me in.
Perverts in audience: BOOOOOOOOO!!!
Dav: Uh... better forget about it then. Let's go to the next match.
Cait Sith: Since Cloud is alive...
Cloud: Was there any doubt?
Cait Sith: The next match will feature four contestants! In side one, Tifa Lockheart and Mallow!
Tifa: (Does a few warm up punches)
Cait Sith: And in side two, Aeris Gainsborough and Princess Toadstool!
Toadstool: (Swings her frying pan)
Garr: All right girls...
Mallow: I'm not a girl!
Garr: No hair pulling, no scratching, and no cheap spells! (Stretches) Fight.
Aside from you expected Tifa is fighting Toadstool while Mallow takes Aeris on.
Tifa; All right you prick! Let's see what ya got!
Toadstool: Who're you calling a prick? You slut! (Attacks)
Tifa: (Blocks easily) You couldn't hurt a fly!
Toadstool: HO!!! (Bitch slaps Tifa)
Tifa: HO!!! (Bitch slaps Aeris)
Aeris: HO!!! (Bitch slaps Mallow)
Mallow: HO!!! (Bitch slaps Toadstool)
Garr: Unusual, but effective.
Tifa: That's it! Now I'm mad! (Charges Toadstool)
Toadstool: (Bashes Tifa in the head)
Cait Sith: And Tifa's head has been crushed! (Does his dance and pops out a fortune) Mallow is gonna make a comeback!
Mallow: You killed her! I'm not gonna cry, but I'll kill you! (Repeatedly attacks Toadstool with Sonic Cymbals)
Toadstool: (Head explodes from the noise, blood and brains cover the audience)
Red XIII: Uh oh. (Moves Edgar into his seat)
Audience: (Pukes all over Edgar)
Cait Sith: And now Toadstool is dead! It's down to Mallow and Aeris!
Aeris: Take this! (Whacks Mallow with her staff)
Mallow: (Splits in two and gives Aeris the raspberry)
Mallow: (Rejoins and casts HP Rain)
Aeris: (Gets mildly sickened)
Author's note: As most of you know, Mallow jumps out of his pants when he casts a spell.
Aeris: (Pukes all over Mallow)
Mallow: (Starts crying)
Aeris: (Shoves a grenade down Mallow's throat)
Mallow: (Explodes and pieces of him cover the audience)
Audience: (Pukes all over Aeris)
Cait Sith: Aeris wins!
Aeris: Oh my god, I won!
In Hosts' Booth
Dav: That was...
Barret: Strange? Odd? Shitty?
Dav: Mildly disgusting.
Barret: Uh.. hey! Where's A-Ko?
Dav: Oh she had to save her friend from a giant 30,000 room space ship. Frankly I don't know what she's talking about.
(Author's note: Referral to the Project A-Ko series there)
Barret: I'll never understand dem Japanimations.
Dav: Neither will I, and we have nothing to do while we wait for the last match.
Barret: Wait a damn minute! What about Setzer?
Dav: Killed by Kefka.
Dav: Ran away when he saw danger coming.
Barret: Okay... what about Ryu?
Dav: Oh yeah. (Looks out window) Here he comes now, looks like he was successful.
Ryu/Nina: (Enter Hosts' Booth)
Ryu: Dav, we have an announcement to make.
Dav: Go ahead.
Nina: We're getting married during the victory celebration for the winners
Barret: What the hell?
Dav: Fine by me, you two sit up here during the last match.
Barret: Wait! Where're Banjo an' Kazooie?
Ryu: Uh... I accidentally blew them away when I went berserk by using the Infinity Gene without the Failure Gene.
Dav: Wow good job. It's time for the last match!
Barret: Hell yeah!
Nina (muttering): Men...
Cait Sith: The final match is about to begin! From Final Fantasy 6, Kefka!
Kefka: (Laughs menihically)
Cait Sith: From Final Fantasy 4, Zeromus!
Zeromus: I am the product of Zemus' hatred.
Cait Sith: From Lufia II, the four Sinistrals, Gades, Amon, Erim, and Daos!
Gades: I am the Master of Destruction!
Amon: I am the Master of Chaos!
Erim: I am the Mistress of Death!
Daos: I am the Master of Terror!
Guy: And you're all idiots!
Cait Sith: From Breath of Fire, Tyr!
Tyr: You don't want to be my friend?
Cait Sith: From Breath of Fire II, Death Evan!
DeathEvn: Give yourself to God!
Cait Sith: From Breath of Fire III, Myria!
Myria: You have a choice, your power or the world.
Cait Sith: From Mystical Ninja: Starring Goemon, Spring Breeze Dancin' and Kitty Lily!
Dancin': (Does his stupid laugh)
Lily: (Does her stupid laugh)
Cait Sith: From Mario RPG, Smithy!
Smithy: (Swings hammer)
Cait Sith: And from Final Fantasy Tactics, Altima!
Altima: I am the Truth!
Garr: Fight. (Runs like hell)
Kefka: (Casts Ultima)
Zeromus: (Uses Big Bang)
Gades: (Uses Destructo Wave)
Amon: (Uses Chaos Wave)
Erim: (Uses Devastation Wave)
Daos: (Uses Terror Wave)
Tyr: (Casts Comet)
DeathEvn: (Casts BoltX)
Myria: (Casts Holocaust)
Dancin' (In giant robot): (Launches a bunch of giant asteroids)
Lily: (Gets killed right away)
Smithy: (Casts Sword, Spear, and Arrow Rain)
Altima: (Dies right away)
The last bosses keep using their cheap spells until it's down to Dancin' and Kefka.
Kefka (Laughing menihically): Now I will destroy this world!
Dancin': Oh yeah? (Shoots a bunch of colored balls at Kefka)
Kefka: (Extremely hurt) Crud, what a mess!
Dancin': (Charges Kefka with robot)
Kefka: (Flies through the wall and dies)
Cait Sith: The winner is Dancin'!
Dancin': (Laughs menihically) Now I will make this into a beautiful stage.
Goemon: Oh no you don't! I won't let you get away this time! (Summons Impact)
Impact theme song plays.
Dav: Why does that play every time they summon Impact?
Impact: (Wrestles with Dancin's robot)
The two robots wrestle for about ten minutes when Impact charges Dancin'.
Robots: (Fall of off cliff)
Robots: (Fall into ocean and crush Yae)
Cait Sith: It's all over!
Dav: So soon?
Barret: 'Fraid so.
Dav: Well, we thank everyone for coming to the fights! Let's recap!
Cait Sith: RyuIII and NinaIII tied the first match. Cid Highwind blew away the competition. Rei just barely won (thanks to Prettz). Goemon bashed Delita's brains out. Cloud easily on against Yae. Alucard cheated. Edge and Mario made a nice comeback to win theirs. Rand and Bow beat Ox and Bow. Aeris easily defeated that crybaby Mallow. And Dancin' hung by a thread to defeat Kefka.
Dav: Once again, thanks to all of the contestants, and we have a victory celebration for the winners...
Ryu: Plus a wedding.
Dav: In the 7th Heaven.
At the celebration.
Dav: Hey Aeris? Are you glad to have won Cloud?
Aeris: Yeah, but I think he wanted Tifa more.
Dav: I see your point. (Looks at Cloud who's sobbing over a picture of Tifa) Hey Cid! How do you feel?
Cid: Like I was hit by a #^#% on of bricks. Are the Dukes on yet?
Hondara: Excuse me, it's time to start the wedding.
Dav: Oh, right.
Hondara: (Starts the wedding)
It's a typical wedding, nothing strange happens until...
Hondara: I now pronounce you man and wife.
Barret (Crying): Damn man, I'm no good at weddings.
Dav: Yeah, even though we hosted death matches we have a happy ending.
Nina: If you hadn't hosted the matches, I probably would never have revealed my feelings for Ryu. Thank you Dav. (Kisses him)
Barret (Thinking): He probably would've killed her first though.
Dyne: Hey! What about me? I came up with the deathmatch ideas!
Dav: Take off!
Dyne: That's it! I'm changing the story line!
Prettz runs into the bar.
Prettz: There you are you idiot!
Dav: Who're you callin' an idiot? Cornholio!
Prettz: Cornholio? Oh for crackin' ice!
Dav: (Draws sword)
Prettz: (Draws sword)
Cait Sith: All right, an extra match! In corner one, from his creator's keyboard, Dav Cole!
Dav: After this I'm taking a vacation.
Cait Sith: And in corner two, from the Final Fantasy movie, Prettz!
Prettz: Heh heh...
Prettz: S**t not again!
Dav: (Throws Prettz into orbit) That was too easy.
Cloud: Way too easy.
Cid: ##$@! I think that #$^@#^#@$^#^ has what was comin' to his @$$!
Dav: What're you staring at? Let's continue the celebration.
The celebration/reception continues.
Fahl: hic...Why do I have to be bartender? I wasn't in any match?
Bo: Because Tifa was killed.
Cloud: Hey Fahl, what's that black bottle back there?
Fahl: Don't know...hic...
Cloud: I'll take some.
Cait Sith: I wouldn't do that.
Cloud: Oh come on, hat harm could it do? (Pours a glass)
Cid: Hey! What the @$%& are you doing?! (Runs up and starts to choke Cloud) Stay outta my booze!
Barret: We gonna have Cloud an' Cid fight?
Dav: Nah, plus I have a date. (Leaves with A -Ko)
Edge: Lucky pansy.
Barret: Well, you'll never see anything like dis again.
Cid (Drunk off his @$$): (Pukes all over Red XIII)
Red XIII: That's it! I quit! (Runs out)
Rei: Doesn't that just beat all...
Cloud: Wait! IT can't be over!
Dyne: Why not?
Cloud: I want to ask you a few question about Dav!
Dyne: Go ahead.
Cloud: Why the hell do you have him in so many of your fics?
Dyne: You're not the first to ask me that. I put him in to add a little more hell to Yuffie's life, to fill the part when there aren't enough FF7 characters to fill the story, and to add a new personality to AVALANCHE.
Cloud: Okay then.
Dyne: You'll also notice he gets along with Cid rather well.
Cid/Dav: Hell yeah! (Pull out cans of hash)
Dyne: Until the next deathmatch fic, I say to the losers and those who didn't participate... "GET SOME PRACTICE AND MAYBE YOU'LL WIN NEXT TIME!!!"
Dyne: If you have any questions about any character(s) in this fic, email me.
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