NOTE FROM DYNE: DON'T FLAME THESE GUYS! WHY ELSE WOULD I PUT THIS UP IF I DIDN'T LIKE IT?Battle Theme (Final Fantasy X)
Mystery [Insert Pun/Injoke Here] Theatre 3081 Proudly Present...
Okay, after the slightly-serious "Return of Darkness", I've returned
with a parody-ish thing... this time, involving LOTS of games. Let the
fun(?) begin... >;)
"WHAT?!" Silver's voice betrayed anger and shock. "Send me BACK?! What
in the world would you want to do THAT for?"
"Because," X explained, "you are TROUBLE! You've wrecked the damn
theatre who knows how many times, you disintegrated the TV, you make
changes on the satellite -"
"Speaking of _satellites_, I've discovered something odd about it -"
"SEE? You always go around casting your spells and hacking into the
"I'm not leaving."
"-nosing about an... what? What did you just say?"
"I said," Silver told him patiently, "that I'm not leaving. Not
unless you shut this thing down for good and let the others go as
"But they're such PERFECT victims!" X whined. "I can't just LET THEM
"...then, I'm staying."
"You don't have any say in the matter! I'll just teleport you back
to Waterdeep- What's so funny?"
Eventually, Silver calmed down enough to speak. "You really think
that'd work?" he asked.
"I can't see why not!"
Silver snorted. "BECAUSE," he said, "I am far too good for you. You
managed to bring me here, when I wasn't prepared to fight off a
teleport attempt and didn't think anyone would try anything like that.
NOW, however, I know you, and I ALSO know I can brush off anything you
can throw at me. Tough luck, X. Deal."
"No, that wouldn't work.
"Nope, not that one either.
"And THAT DEFINITELY wouldn't work. Face it, X - you're stuck with
me. Now... are you going to send us a fic, or what?"
X took a deep breath. Then he let it out in a great sigh, and said,
"I give up... Today's fic is a LONG one called 'RPG Deathmatch'.
Consider it your punishment for being such a pain in the ass. Now get
over to the theatre and SUFFER."
There was the standard 'click!' as X's link went dead.
"Well, duh," Silver told the air, and snapped his fingers.
The MR room was empty.
===[WARNING! YOU ARE ENTERING MST ZONE!]===
[The usual cast file into the theatre, and sit down in their usual
spots - L to R, Jeanna, Silver, Shane and Draco (asleep as usual)]
Silver: RPG deathmatch...
Jeanna: Sounds scary.
Shane: VERY scary.
Shane: [lightly thwaps Silver and Jeanna] Okay, guys, that's enough
Silent Bob references for now. Let's get riffin'.
>At the Breath of Fire III Arena.
Silver: ...Garr fought Ryu and almost killed him, but because of a
plot contrivance, Ryu survived and went on to save the world,
blahablaha and so on. Any questions?
Shane: What if I didn't name him Ryu?
Silver: ...so what DID you name him?
Shane: [blushes] I'm not telling!
Silver: Well, seeing as you're not Jeanna, I don't think you would
have named him Sephiroth...
Jeanna: [sparkly-eyed] SEPHY-KUN!
Silver: [makes a face, disgusted] Awright, I confess: that was a bad
>Host: Welcome to the first annual RPG characters deathmatches!
>I'm your host Dav Cole, I was crated by the author for several
>appearances in his fics.
Jeanna: [sighs] And there goes the fourth wall... Oh, it's one of
THOSE fis. We're doomed.
Silver: [sneezes] Damn! An SI! [blows nose] And I forgot my pills,
>If you're like one of those Cait Siths
>out there and don't like new guys, TOO BAD!!!
Silver: Cait... Sith_S_?
Jeanna: Versions 1.0 and 2.0. 1.0 was destroyed in the ToA
[Silver doubles over laughing]
Silver: Hohahaha! _Toa_! Heh heheheh hee! That's slang for _toilette_!
[doubles over laughing again]
Jeanna: [sweatdrop] In WHAT language, if I may ask?
>Dekar: Take it easy Dav.
Silver: [Dekar] ...because if you don't, I'll force you to wear a
tuxedo and a hat and then introduce you to NAV!
Shane: DING! Heh, and I didn't even FEEL my allergy!
Silver: That's because Nav is ANTI.
Jeanna: Nono, _Esuna_!
Shane: Oh yeah? Pure!
Silver: [whacks Shane and Jeanna] Shaddap... we got a fic to riff.
>Dav: This is my co-host Hydeka (Dekar) from Lufia II.
Silver: ^_^ Pansy!
>Dekar: We've got some, of course, killer matches lined up this
Silver: We got matches for lighting ciggarettes, for lighting fires,
for arson, for PERSON >whack!< Hey! That wasn't hentai!
Jeanna: [rubbing knuckles] But EXTREMELY stupid.
>Dav: Plus a few cameos,
Silver: ...AKA SI:s...
>as we see the seats filling up. Banjo
Silver: Banjo? I play the bassoon myself...
Jeanna: Figures... when he's THAT full of wind...
Silver: [conjures a sax and hits Jeanna over the head with it] You're
being a bad girl.
Silver: What's THAT about, student? NOW who has the dirty mind?
>and Kazooie are here, there's Alucard,
Jeanna: No, he'd use a name like Vlad Gotasecret.
Shane: DING! First Bored of the Rings reference made by ANYONE,
Silver: I'd go with Ima Pseudonym myself...
Shane: DING! AGAIN!
[All ready weapons and spells]
Silver: GET HIM!
[all pelt the screen with swords, maces, fireballs, Ultimas, and so
on; after a while, the screen, normally impervious to such treatment,
breaks from the strain]
Silver: I KNOW I can find a way to block that spell... somehow...
Shane: How come he doesn't do that when we wreck the ENTIRE theatre?
Jeanna: Plot Device?
Silver: ...limitations. Too big area. It only works on smaller
objects, and the entire theatre is too big to be affected. He can't
use the spell to restore it one piece at a time, either. Don't ask me
why. It's in the Description of the spell, and we can't mess with
4:th Wall: 'Scuse me... Is this where I break down?
Silver: No. It wasn't a reference to th... er, it wasn't something
like that, I mean.
4:th Wall: Phew.
> and Zero, plus others.
>Anyway, we have 10 matches for you here, and here they are, in
>Bob Saget: I miss saying that line.
Silver: You just DID say 'that line'!
Girls: LAME! [throw popcorn at Silver]
Silver: HEY! Where did you get THAT?
Jeanna: There IS a kitchen somewhere in the living room. Don't get
lost looking for it - it's not as hard as it sounds.
Silver: I know. Reminds me of a cursed castle I visited... all the
corridors were about nine times the average length... imagine having
to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
>Dav: Shut up and get outta the Hosts' Booth!
Silver: Yeah! Each boot is made for ONE foot only! [gets thwapped]
It's not easy being funny here...
>Dekar: Yeah. There's Edge and Mario vs. Ebisumaru and Geno...
>Author's Note: I consider Mystical Ninja: Starring Goemon an RPG.
Author's note: I couldn't care less.
Silver: HEY! What the FAQ is going on here? Oh, and fifty gold says
Jeanna: With MARIO on the team? Fogeddid! 50 on the other team!
>Dav: There's also Tifa and Mallow vs. Aeris and Toadstool.
Silver: Tifa and Aerith? Puh-LEASE! I've seen that a MILLION TIMES -
[ducks] Well... It beats Yuffie and Barret. [ducks again]
>Cloud dies in his match it'll just be Aeris vs. Toadstool.
Silver: Pansy VS. Pansy. Not an easy match...
[the girls thwap Silver]
>Dekar: There's Locke, Rei, Yuffie, and Karn all vs. each other,
Silver: Hmm... any bets?
Shane: Rei! He's SOO cute!
Jeanna: Hmm... not easy... I'll bet ya twenty GP that Locke wins.
Shane: You got a bet!
Silver: I'll pass on this one, I think.
>Cloud and Mustadio vs. Maxim and Yae.
Silver: Sadly, I feel tempted to bet on Cloud here...
Jeanna: Maxim. Twenty.
Shane: ...mmm, I'll pass.
>Dav: The 3 Ryus and the 3 Ninas all vs. each other,
>Epoch, Excerion, and the Enterprise all vs. each other,
Jeanna: I'm not so sure... Excerion? What's that? Oh well... another
20 on Excerion. After all, after I win the other bets, I can afford
Shane: [sweatdrop] ...pass.
>Delita vs. Goemon.
>Dekar: Also Vincent, Shadow, and Magus fighting each of them,
Silver: Hardly. Looking at their abilities, Magus is the most
powerful. Twenty on him.
Shane: I'll go with Magus, too.
Jeanna: Bloody magic-users, always sticking together... Alright, I'll
bet against both of you and add another 20.
>Ox and Bow vs. Rand and Bo... what the hell?
Jeanna: You just SAID that two seconds before!
Silver: ... ^_^
>Dav: And our featured match, the last bosses of each fighting
>characters' games all vs. each other!
Silver: ... they'd be at each others' throats before he even got to
>Dekar: There's Sephiroth,
Jeanna: WAI! SEPHY-KUN!!
[Silver makes gagging noises]
Shane: Not on the carpet! ^.^
Silver: ~Darkness beyond twilight...~
Silver: ~...crimson beyond blood that flows...~ Pansy! Eh... No,
that's ZEROMUS. I don't know any Zermus. [gets whapped]
>the four Sinistrals,
Silver: Pansies. ^_^
Silver: Ow. That's gonna hurt... Wait. THAT Tyr. Oh. _Pansy_.
Shane: You're supposed to LIKE obscure!
>DeathEvn, Myria, Dancin' and Lily, Smithy, Altima, and Lavos!
Silver: Pansy, Pansy, Pansy and Pansy, PANSY, pansy and... bug.
>Dav: The first match will begin in a few moments. First we'll meet
>our announcer, Cait Sith.
>Cait Sith: Hello.
>Dav: Our referee, Ramza Beoulve.
Jeanna: ...and Beowulf INSTANTLY sued him for name ripoff...
Silver: NO Lambert references here, PLEASE.
Shane: Highlander was OK.
Silver: THAT... yes. The rest... no.
>Ramza: Alma! I'm coming!
Silver: [doubles over laughing]
Jeanna: [fumes] I WISH you said something about that! I want to hit
Silver: What? YOU are into S&M? I'm SHOCKED!
Shane: Yay! Metallica!
Silver & Jeanna: [sweatdrop]
>Dav: And if Ramza should be killed (hopefully), our substitute
Jeanna: He's UGLY. :P
Shane: Help! Bodybuilders! SCAAARY!
Silver: Heh heh... DING, Shane. Well-deserved, too.
>Dav: And our interviewer, Palmer.
Silver: [holding his nose] I kneb thad was godda habbed.
>Dekar: Why Palmer?
Silver: WHY INDEED?
>Dav: Would you rather have Strago?
All: HELL YES!
>Dekar: Hell no!
Silver: YES GODDAMNIT! YOU WOULD!
Shane: [Dekar] Whoa! Ah, yee, OK!
>Dav: Okay, our first match is ready to start!
>Cait Sith (through megaphone): The first match is about to start. In
>side one, hailing from Breath of Fire, Ryu and Nina! In side two,
>hailing from Breath of Fire II, Ryu and Nina! And in side three, from
>Breath of Fire III, Ryu and Nina! And now excuse me whil e I call
>Capcom and tell 'em "MORE ORIGINALITY!!!"
Silver: There is SOMTHING in that...
>Dav: Fine by me.
>Contestants step out
>Author's Note: The characters are labled with their appropriate
>numbers, like on Cid Wars.
Shane: ... ... Ding. Sadly.
Silver: ...that's NOT the way you treat one of the greatest ficwriters
on the web.
Jeanna: Wouldn't it be fun if we got to read one of HIS fics sometime?
Silver: Don't get your hopes up. Although... maybe I could bribe X...
Silver: [badly dubbed Stret Fighter announcer] Roun oan! Fait!
>The match begins with the Ryus fighting each other while the Ninas
>fight each other.
Silver: I STILL wonder how their kids would look.
>RyuI: You can't beat me! I can use my dragon powers for as long as I
>RyuIII: Shut up! At least I can use all sorts of dragons!
Silver: Eh, III? So can Ryu I. And his dragons are a LITTLE better
than yours, if I may add.
Silver: Best dragon shape. 999 HP. All attacks cause 999 damage to all
enemies. There are cheapo healing items that can restore ALL HP to one
character. Ryu I doesn't lose AP when he's in dragon shape and can
stay that way as long as he wants. Need I say more?
Jeanna: ...I see.
Silver: AKA, SCARILY unbalancing.
Shane: I thought we had agreed that we'd had enough of those?
>RyuII: Dammit! Why am I the only one who uses all of his AP for a
Silver: Because... [Mr. Monkey] YOUUU SUUUCK!
>RyuIII: That's 'cause you're a loser!
Silver: Close enough ^_^
[Jeanna whacks him]
>RyuII: At least my game is decent and doesn't have naked chicks!
Silver: You're telling me that's BETTER?? He's just jealous! [Jeanna
whacks him again]
>(Author's note: That part of the game was just plain SICK!!!)
Silver: ... ... ... Have you seen something called 'Homestrike'? THAT
Girls: AAAAAAAA! GAH! GROSSNESS! AAAARGH!
Silver: Unfortunately, THEY have seen it. Bleu, on the other hand...
[Jeanna stops gagging for a second to whack Silver with a haddock]
>Perverts in audience: Naked chicks? WOW! (Run off to buy BOFIII)
Silver: [ruffles through a pocket and produces a very suspicious-
looking BoF3 box with all black-and-white cover] Got one here! Do I
hear 500 Gil?
Jeanna: Silver... that's a bootleg, right?
Silver: So? ^_^ Do I hear 550?
>RyuIII: HA! Now we know that my game got the most sales!
All: FOURTH WALL ALERT!
>RyuII: That's it! (Summons G-Drgn)
>RyuIII: (Turns into Kaiser Dragon)
>G-Drgn: (Starts crying and runs away)
Silver: ...RIIIGHT... the guy's got a palette swap, and a DRAGON runs
off crying. What do you say about that, Draco?
Draco: ...zzz... Snarf? ZzZzZzZz...
Silver: ...I might have guessed.
Jeanna: I'm cutting in here for a moment to say that GOD was who they
FOUGHT in BoFII.
>RyuIII: (Blows away RyuII)
>Cait Sith: And RyuII is dead, let's check the Nina fight.
Silver: Hey! What about Ryu I? Err... NINA! Heeey...
>NinaII (Beating NinaI): It's all your fault that Windians can't fly
>NinaIII: Wyndian's could fly? It's all your fault! (Starts to beat)
>NinaI: (Casts Cura4)
Silver: It's EITHER CURA _OR_ CURE 4, DAMMIT!
Shane: Not in BoF... as you WELL KNOW, _Lord Mage_.
>NinaII: How come we have attack magic while you get healing spells.
Silver: Heh... [deadpans] How come we have attack magic while you get
healing spells. You killed my brother. Now I use attack magic on you.
Jeanna: That was EVEN WORSE than usual! [whacks Silver with a lobster]
Silver: OW! What's with the seafood? Just because I said it tastes
like fish? [he ducks another lobster]
>NinaI: Maybe because everyone likes me the most.
Silver: Yeah, RIGHT! After all you put me through in that game?
Amnesia indeed! And FAQing FETCH QUESTS! I HATE you!
Jeanna: ... [sweatdrop]
>NinaIII: Oh yeah? At least we don't look like sluts with that
>"bathing suit" look!
Silver: ...Nina I... does NOT... look like a slut. Bleah. Bad mental
>NinaI: (Points at NinaII) She does.
Silver: Now THAT is another story all together! Heh heh!
[Jeanna swats Silver with an octopus. A LIVE octopus.]
Silver: Gack! [tries to untangle octopus' tentacles from his head] I'm
SO going to make TENTACLES come back and haunt you for this! Yukk!
~Transmute Octopus into Seafood~ ...but I WAS a bit hungry. [starts
eating fried octopus rings] Want some? [the girls turn green] Guess
>NinaII: HO!!! (Bitch slaps NinaI and summons Great Bird)
>Great Bird: (Pecks NinaI to death)
Silver: ...I'm not saying a word.
Shane: No, you're saying LOTS of words! ^_^
>Cait Sith: There goes NinaI! Meanwhile the two Ryus are now dragons!
>RyuI (As Agni): Give it up! You can't win!
>Andrew: Hey, that's my line!
>RyuI: Shut up! (Kills Andrew)
>Andrew: Uncle Andross!
>RyuIII: (Uses distraction to kill RyuI)
Silver: ...now THAT is just plain stupid.
Jeanna: You owe me money.
Silver: Do not! YOU owe ME.
Shane: Wrong - you BOTH owe ME money!
[Silver and Jeanna glare at her]
Shane: [sweatdrops] Eh... let's call it even?
>Cait Sith: All right! RyuI
>croaked and NinaII is looking weak.
>NinaIII: (Beating NinaII with her staff) Take this and that!
Silver: I'd rather take Nina II, if you don't mind - [he gets
flattened with an Anime mallet]
>NinaII: (Moves out of the way) Oh yeah! (Casts BoltX)
>NinaIII: (Unhurt completely) Is that the best you can do? (Casts
Silver: [still flat] ...apart from the fact that those spells are
really one and the same...
Jeanna: Apart from that so what?
Silver: [popping back into his normal shape] ...I am getting a
headache. And it ISN'T spelt "myollnir", dammit!
>NinaII: (Gets electricuted so badly she explodes)
>Perverts in audience: Booooooo!!!!
Silver: Booo! Eh - [sweatdrop]
Jeanna: Heh heh...! >:>
>Cait Sith: Sweet! It's down to RyuIII and NinaIII.
Shane: ...good luck. The forty gil you owe me says they'll run off
Silver: In a deathmatch? Fat chance! You got a bet!
>Nina: Ryu, I don't want to fight you.
>Ryu: And why not?
Shane: Told ya!
>Nina: Because... ever since we were kids... I love you!
Shane: No, it's CUTE! ^_^
Silver: What I said.
>Ryu: Really? Then let's get outta here.
>Ramza: Hey! What're you doing? This is a deathmatch not a love match!
>Ryu/Nina: Too bad.
Silver: You're welcome to keep the 20 Gil you owe me. Jeanna, you owe
me 20. And you owe Shane 40.
Jeanna: WHAT? Get a LIFE!
Jeanna: Meanwhile, in the Jungle...
Jeanna: Hello? That's a 'ding'!
Shane: It is?
Shane: Ah, OK... DING!
>Kazooie: Hey Banjo, look up there.
>Banjo: Huh? Who is that?
>Bottles (That damn mole): It looks like you sister.
>Banjo: Naw, she can't fly.
>Kazooie: You two are morons! That's
Silver: PEPSIMAN! Dammit, why does THAT keep popping out all the
Jeanna: [giggles] Maybe Pepsi hired X to make you say that?
Silver: [glares daggers - well, Claymores, more like it - at Jeanna]
He is NOT good enough to do that.
[all double over laughing]
>Gruntilda: (Flies down on broom) Now thaty I've lost Tooty,
>I've given that idea the booty. But now I'll take Nina the winner,
>I'll see you all when I am thinner. (Grabs Nina and ties her to the
Silver: So SHE'S into that TOO? [gets whacked] I knew that was gonna
>Now that I have the beutiful Nina, I'll take my leave, so, see ya!
>Kazooie: Damn! I hate those rhymes!
Silver: That was a RHYME?
Jeanna: Try to make one up yourself and see how easy it is...
Silver: ... 'If you mess with me, I'll cast a spell / And blow you all
the way to hell'. There!
Jeanna: You stole that!
Silver: Only the INSPIRATION. Pay up.
Jeanna: NO WAY! THAT was no bet!
Silver: ^_^ Still owe me 20.
>Banjo: Let's go Kazooie. Dyahah!
>Kazooie: Not again!
>Ryu: I'm going with you. (The leave)
Silver: Ah. MUCH better... never could stand them anyway.
>In Hosts' Booth.
>Dav: Well, that was one strange ending
Silver: Damn straight!
>Dekar: Yeah, Gruntilda must be getting desparate.
Silver: To grab Nina III? Damn straight!
>Dav: Anyway there are a few minutes before the next match. We
>have a guest-host up here with us.
>Dekar: No ordinary guest.
>Dav: That's an understatement.
>Guest: Well! Why don't you introduce me?!!!
Silver: Because... [Mr. Monkey] YOOUU SUUUCK!
>Dav: Sorry, the star of the cheap Japanimation Final Fantasy movie,
[Silver and Shane facepalm]
Jeanna: Who? Never heard of'im.
Silver. Count yourself as one of then lucky few. 1 out of 5 points in
Shane: ...THAT bad?
Silver: Probably worse.
>Prettz: It's about time!
>Dekar: Okay uh.. Prettz, what was your opinion of the match?
>Prettz: The stupid witch should've taken NinaII, she's a lot cuter!
Silver: I have to agree on that... ^_^
>Linaly (Prettz's girlfriend): I heard that Prettz, I'm leaving you!
>Prettz: Oh my god! Wait, Linaly! (Runs after her)
Silver: ...but I WOULDN'T be stupid enough to do so in the presence of
my GIRLFRIEND. Bloody idiot...
>Dav: O...kay, anyway the vehicles are ready for battle. Cait, give
>us the contestants.
Shane: [Cait] O, okay... You can have'em all, I sure don't want them!
>Cait Sith: In corner one, piloting the Highwind, Cid Highwind!
Silver: You are SO going to lose this bet, Jeanna.
>Cid: (Pulls out a can of hash)
Silver: CID! Don't you have ANY shame?
Jeanna: YOU are asking that?!
Silver: ...yeah. I am. Hash isn't good. Messes with the senses, and
that's unhealthy for a wizard.
>Cait Sith: In corner two, piloting the Epoch, Crono!
>Crono: (Does his gay @$$ victory pose)
Silver: Now THAT is a flame, girls. Watch and learn. Oh, and if you
think THAT pose is ugly, look at Magus laughing!
Jeanna: Magus LAUGHS?? O_o
Silver: Yeah, in that Norsten guy's tent. Not a pretty sight, I tell
>Cait Sith: Corner three, piloting Excerion, Lexis!
>Lexis: (Just stands there)
>Cait Sith: And in corner four, piloting the Enterprise, Cid of Baron!
>Cid B: (Waves)
Jeanna: He's not Cid B, he's Cid IV!
Shane: Cid III. There was no Cid in FF, you see, so this is number
Jeanna: He's Cid IV. That's official.
Shane: No, it's not-
Jeanna: YES GODDAMNIT! IT IS!! *Argh! I've caught... whatever it is
Shane: Whoa! Ack, wow, yeah, OK! Er... WAIT A MINUTE!
>Picard: Computer, is there an Enterprise six?
[All slowly fall over]
>Dav: Hey Picard, wrong story.
>Picard and the computer vanish.
Silver: THANK you...
Jeanna: At least it isn't MARISSA.
Silver: [blinks] Don't mention that name.
>Ramza: Okay pilots, mount your vehicles!
Silver: [opens his mouth, and promptly finds it filled with a tin of
Jeanna: And STAY there!
>Pilots: (Run into their vehicles and start 'em up)
>Vehicles: (Each play their music)
>Lexis: D'oh, I put it in submarine mode! (Changes Excerion in to
All: Well, _D'OH_!
>Everyone watches the skies as the four vehicles act like bulls in a
>china shop. After a few minutes.
>Epoch: (Fires laser at Excerion)
Shane: ...since WHEN did the Epoch have a LASER installed?
Silver: S&N, Shane...
Jeanna: Actually, it DOES have one.
Jeanna: Epoch has a laser installed.
Shane: ...it does? O_o Since when?
Jeanna: Since Dalton rebuilt it, I guess...
>Laser: (Hits the balloon on Excerion)
>Excerion: (Turns into glider and keeps moving)
All: THAT'S "..."!
>Excerion: (Fires all of its reserves at the Epoch)
>Epoch: (Flies out of control straight into Lavos)
>Lavos: (Wails and dies)
Silver: ACTUALLY -
Jeanna: We know. S&N, Sir Mage... ^.^
>Dav: Well, there's one less contestant to worry about for the last
>Cid: All right %$%# son of a #$^@%! Come and get me.
>Cid B: Gladly, stupid spoony!
Silver: Gotta love that line...
Shane: A CLASSIC, people!
>Cid: What the hell did you call me!!?
>Highwind: (Shoots all of its missile reserves at the Enterprise)
>Enterprise: (Blows up with its crew and bombs.)
>Blood and ashes
Silver: - and Robert Jordan INSTANTLY sued the author -
>cover the audience.
>Audience: (Pukes all over Red XIII)
>Red XIII: Oh no!
Jeanna: ...'Oh no'? I think that deserves a LITTLE more than an 'oh
>Cait Sith: All right! Crono and Cid of Baron bit the dust!
Silver: [singing] Another one bites the dust... [normal] You're SO
going to lose, Jeanna.
Jeanna: That remains to be seen! Cid VII just used up ALL his
>It's down to
>Excerion and the Highwind!
>The Highwind and Excerion prepare to dogfight (since they're out of
Silver: PHAH! Does he KNOW what 'dogfight' means?
Jeanna: No Flaming The Author! MSTers' Rule #1!
Shane: No, #2, actually.
Silver: _#1!_ ...do I have to cast Merton again?
>when the sky opens and Andross comes out.
>Andross: Which one of you killed my nephew?
>Cid: Uh... he did it. (Points at Lexis)
Silver: HEH! You ARE going to lose!
>Andross: (Inhales and eats Excerion) Now for you!
>Cid: Wait a $^#&^* minute you incredibly stupid &@$+@%#!!!
[Silver takes notes]
Silver: Hmm... not BAD, Mr. Highwind. Not bad at ALL!
>Crew member: Reload of ammuntion complete Captain.
>Cid: 'Bout damn time. Okay, here I go, watch this!
>Highwind: (Blows the crap outta Andross)
Silver: Yeah! And he's IC as WELL! Impressive.
>Fox: Well that saved us a lot of trouble.
>Cait Sith: And the winner is Cid and the Highwind!
>Cid: (Opens the can of hash)
Silver: Hmm hmm HMM hmm hmm? [holds out a hand]
Jeanna: Grr... [drops a wad of Gil bills in Silver's hand]
>In Hosts' Booth
>Dav: All right! That's the best match I've seen in a long time!
Silver: I liked it too!
>Dekar: Not only did Cid win, he saved the Lylat System as well.
Silver: Oh, THAT. Who cares about THAT? I got 20 bucks because he won!
>Dav: And I can see our guest-host is back. Prettz, what'd you
>think of that one?
Jeanna: IT SUCKED!
Silver: Tsk! Just 'cause you lost money on it...
>Prettz: I'd say Cid gave that big monkey an explosive migraine! Heh
Silver: Yeah, REEEALLY funny... He's worse than ME!
>Dav: Dammit! I'm sick of your idiotic comments! JUSTICE-SLASH!!!
Shane: [Amelia] You're an Enemy Of Justice! VISFARANK! Smacko!
Silver: Ding. Heh... But Amelia is cute. Too bad she's so young...
Jeanna: Like THAT would stop you!
Silver: I'm not THAT much of a hentai, thank-you-so-much! [glares
>Prettz: (Gets thrown up REALLY high into the air)
Silver: Gets thrown up ON, like Red... Okay, bad taste.
Jeanna: DAMN STRAIGHT it was!
>Dekar: That Prettz guy certainly was a loudmouth.
Silver: The key word here being WAS... ^_^
>Dav: Yeah, anyway the pieces of rubble and the body parts are now
>cleared away. It's time for match number 3!
Silver: This one, as I said, is for arson - >WhackaSPLAT!< STOP
HITTING ME WITH FISH!
Jeanna: [putting away 30-kilo trout] But it's so FUN! ^.^
>Dekar: It's to determine the greatest game thief.
Jeanna: ME!! [fourth wall crumbles] What was THAT for?? And I AM the
Silver: ...I seem to remember this time when...
[Jeanna glares daggers at Silver]
Silver: ...never mind.
>Locke, Yuffie, Rei, and Karn all vs. each other!
Shane: Yay! Rei is so cute!
Silver: ...KATT was cute. Rei is NOT cute.
Shane: No way! [whaps Silver]
>Dav: And to give Rei and Karn a fair match, I have conveniently
>stolen Yuffie's materia and Locke's magicite.
Silver: [Rei] Oh, GOODIE! ~MJÖLNER~! ~DEATH~! Ah, doesn't that beat
all... Can I have my prize money now?
Shane: [giggles] That is SO OOC for Rei...
X: WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT TO THE SCREEN?! ~Reverse time~ (I'm
getting a headache...)
>Locke/Yuffie: What kinda BS is that?
>Cait Sith: In the first corner! the Final Fantasy VII #^#%&,
Silver: She's cute too. [gets stared at oddly by Jeanna & Shane] Well,
not THAT cute...
>Yuffie: I heard that!
>Cait Sith: In corner two, the FF6 thief, Locke Cole!
Silver: That's TREASURE HUNTER!
>Locke: I PREFER the term "Treasure Hunter"!
Jeanna: Riffback. That's one thwap.
Silver: [blocks a salmon] HEY! Get your own lines!
>Dav: So do I gramps but you don't hear me complaining.
>Cait Sith: In corner three, from Breath of Fire III, Rei.
>Rei: (Scratching head) Doesn't this just beat all...
Shane: He WILL beat them all!
Silver: You're not gonna go fangirlish on me now? ONE of those is
Jeanna: BAKA! [whax Silver with a carp]
Silver: Eww. Like, so totally, like SLIMY!
Shane: [falls over laughing]
Silver: I'm SERIOUS! ~Clean Self~ Luckily, I'm REALLY good at magic.
Jeanna: THAT'S a spell?
Silver: Just made it up! ^_^
[It should be noted that Silver is quite free from fish at the moment,
so the spell presumably worked the way he intended it to]
>Cait Sith: And in the fourth corner, from Breath of Fire, Karn!
Jeanna: ARGH! [whacks Silver with a dolphin]
>Karn: (Jumps up and down)
>Ramza: All right contestants, I want a nice, bloody battle.
Silver: So do I! ^_^
>And Locke, NO STEALING CLOTHES!!!
>Locke: All right! All right! (Puts Ramza's shirt back onto him)
Girls: No, don't! [Shane blushes as she realises she said that]
Silver: What? Locke's into THAT? O_o I never could have guessed... and
here's he's acting all normal, hitting on Celes and all... [shakes
head] What a world.
>Women in audience: (Stop puking all over Red XIII)
Shane: GROSSNESS! They have been doing that EVER SINCE halfway through
the last match?
Silver: Anime laws - the human body contains an infinite amount of
liquid - be it blood, tears, barf, or... of course... that _other_
Jeanna: KILL! [clobbers Silver with a shark]
>Rei: (Draws knives)
>Karn: (Draws a dagger)
>Yuffie: (Takes out Conformer) Ha! Little punks have wimpy little
Silver: [Locke] Because we don't need to COMPENSATE, like SOME of our
team-mates... (Get the hint, Cloud?)
Jeanna: ...that was OK, actually. [puts away tortoise]
>Locke: Oh yeah? (Draws Atma Weapon) Ha! What're you gonna do now?!
Silver: Oh, I see... He DOES need to compensate.
Jeanna: I knew I should have kept that turtle... [throws a herring at
Silver. Hey! Stop that! That damn sword's bigger than he is!
Shane: Hopefully, or I feel sorry for his girlfriend - ACK! [blushes
furiously] That thing you have is infectious!
Silver: Heh heh! Even _I_ wouldn't have thought of saying THAT!
>Yuffie: (Panics and runs around in little circles)
Silver: As usual, then?
>Luke: So that's what happened to my first lightsaber.
All: [facefault] ARGH!
>Han: Well, take it back then Kid.
Silver: [Luke] Why should SHE do it? I mean, it's MY sabre!
Silver: YOU try to say something funny!
Jeanna: SOMETHING FUNNY... ^.^
>Leia: Yeah, it is a family heirloom.
Silver: [Luke] So was my HAND...
>Luke: You're right (Jumps into ring)
>Ramza: Hey! No audience participation!
>Luke: (Points lightsaber at Ramza) I'm ready.
>Ramza: Okay okay... you can go in...
Silver: Hah! PANSY!
>Locke (About to kill Yuffie): Whoa! (Ducks from Luke's attack)
>Zero: I could get into this!
>X: Shut up and watch Zero!
Silver: X! GET HIM!!
[All toss weapons et al at the screen]
X: _DAMMIT_!! ~Reverse time~!
>Yuffie: (Continues to panic)
>Dav: Hold it! Stop the fight!
>Dav: You Star Wars characters get the hell outta here! The
>Celebrity Deathmatch 2 is Cloud's story!
Jeanna: Cloud hasn't even appeared yet!
Jeanna: Say that again, and I'll make sure your head falls off next
time YOU nod!
Silver: Which head? ^_^ [gets flattened under a whale] Ow legitimate
ow question ow!
>SW Characters: (Vanish and appear to see Red XIII set Chewbacca on
Silver: [crawls out from under whale] Go Red! [disintegrates whale and
'Reverse Time':s his massacred seat, then sits down again]
>Back at our arena.
>Ramza: Okay, FIGHT!
>Locke: (Steals the Conformer from Yuffie)
>Yuffie: (Steals Karn's dagger)
>Karn: (Steals Rei's knives)
>Rei: ( Steals the Atma Weapon)
>Yuffie: That does it! GREASED LIGHTNING!!!
Silver: That doesn't work WITHOUT A WEAPON, Shinobi...
Silver: NO GODDAMMIT! IT DOESN'T!
Jeanna: Wha! Ah, yow, OK! ... ... ...now HOLD ON a minute!
Silver: ^_^ Heh heh heh...
>Singers: Greased Lightning, go Greased Lightning!
>Dekar: Huh? What was that?
>Dav: The singers from Grease are in the audience!
[All minus Draco fall out of their seats]
Silver: Ack! The volume! Gimme the remote!
Draco: [opens one eye and looks at Silver] ...you DO realise thats
awfully cliché, dont you?
>!! (Camera keeps zooming in and out on 'em)
>Locke: (Gets critically wounded.)
Silver: Oh, YEAH, he just got Critically Wounded. By what, and who?
Jeanna: S&N! [maniacal grin]
>Locke: Crud! (Uses Mirager)
Silver: [Locke/Kefka] Crud! What a mess!
>Yuffie: Damn! Beaten by my own weapon! (Dies)
Silver: HER weapon?? What the FAQ?
Jeanna: That goes for that ...word... too!
>Karn: (Finishes Locke)
>Cait Sith: Yes! Yuffie and Locke are both dead!
Silver: He's gonna get SO many Locke fans on him now...
Shane: What about Yuffie?
Silver: What about her?
>It's down to Rei and Karn.
>Karn: Fool, you can't beat me, I can morph!
Silver: Or, 'It's morphine time'! Goodnight!
[the girls facepalm and sweatdrop]
>Rei: Oh yeah? (Turns into Weretiger)
>Karn: Yeah! (Turns into Puka)
>Rei: What the hell kinda name is Puka!
>Karn: Because the audience is gonna Puka all over you!
>Rei and Karn dish it out, neither one gaining the advantage; until
>both have on ehit left, and it's Karn's turn!
Silver: So NOW he uses the HP system? In the SAME BATTLE? Yeah
>Karn: Ha ha ha! Say "bye-bye"
Silver: [Rei] Bye-bye! ~Death~! Doesn't that just beat all...
Shane: [giggles] STILL OOC!
>Prettz: (Lands on Karn and kills him)
>Rei (Back to normal): Doesn't that just beat all... (Sctratches head)
>Cait Sith: And the winner is Rei!
Silver: Hah! Too easy! 'A winner is Rei'!
Shane: Ding... I think? HEY! I WON! Pay up, Jeanna!
Jeanna: Grr! [hands over another 20]
>In Hosts' Booth.
>Dav: Okay, it seems we have some more extra minutes while they
>fill in the Prettz-shaped hole.
Silver: Heh... I like.
>Dekar: I think Rei was just lucky.
Shane: NO WAY!
Silver: S&M, Shane.
Jeanna: I warned-
Shane: METALLICA! Where? Where?!
Silver: Sorry, that was an 'M'. Better luck next time...
>Dav: I agree. Anyway, since I killed Prettz we have our backup
>guest-host here, Barret Wallace.
Silver: Oh, heck.
Silver: Just heck. He's... well, rather loud.
>Barret: I'm jes glad ta be here Dav.
>Dav: So Barret, what'd you think of that match?
>Barret: I'm glad that #^#$^ Yuffie got what was comin' to her!
Silver: Barret and Yuffie? AAARGH!
Jeanna: ... [whacks Silver with a goldfish (ONLY goldfish! Not
>Dekar: Yeah, but in the next match I don't want to see a guest
>Dav: What do you mean?
>Dekar: Like when Gruntilda kidnapped NinaIII or when Andross ate
Silver: When Andross ate the Excertion! Coming soon to a theatre near
you! [thinks for a seconds] Ack! I didn't mean that!
[the girls sweatdrop]
>Dav: That reminds me, I sent Lakitu from Mario RPG off to record
>the action there. (Turns on video screen)
>Dav: It looks like Banjo-Kazooie has turned into a new version of
>Breath of Fire III.
>Dekar: How so?
>Dav: As you can see, every time they run into a monster, a whole
>new battle screen opens up.
Silver: Unlike the OLD version when, every time you ran into a
monster, a WHOLE NEW BATTLE SCREEN opened up?
>Dekar: Now they're approaching the lair. And that cut scene is
>Barret: Why da' hell does Gruntilda wait to steal the youth? She
>could do it while they's runnin' around!
>Dav: Watch, here's why.
>TV (Nina): (Beating Grunty) What's the big idea bringing me here? I'm
>the princess of Wyndia!
Silver: That TV is a good Mimic! A CHAOTIC Good Mimic even! ^_^
Jeanna: Blah! [whacks Silver with a swordfish]
Silver: [narrowly dodging sword] Hey! Watch where you're swinging that
>TV (Grunty): Ouch! You little brat stop pulling my hair! Klungo I
>need you, come here!
>TV (Klungo): (Grabs Nina)
Silver: A lemo... SEX scene with a TV and Nina III? I'm NOT watching
[The girls bash Silver with 2x4s]
Silver: ...back to normal...
>Before anything else happens the camera goes off.
Silver: BANG! Ha, they fell for thge old Gun-In-The-Camera trick!
>Dav/Dekar/Barret: What the hell!?
>Dav (Speaking into radio): Lakitu get that camera fixed or I'll send
>you to those damn Barney games!
All: ARGH! The HORROR!
>Radio (Lakitu): Y...Yes sir!
>Dav: That's how you get someone to do something quickly. Let's have
>Palmer interview someone.
Silver: Fat chance. VERY fat, in fact.
>Dekar: He's stuck in the toilet bowl.
>Dav: Well, that's Palmer.
Jeanna: >_< VERY Palmer.
>Dekar: Anyway, it looks like the next match is ready to begin.
>Delita vs. Goemon!
Silver: How about Digimon VS. Pok... that OTHER show?
>Cait Sith: In corner one! From Final Fantasy Tactis, Delita Hyral!
>Delita: (Walks in place)
>Cait Sith: And in the other corner. The star of Mystical Ninja
Silver: PEPSIMAN! Er... ARGH!
>Goemon: (Circles head) Daac sau!
Silver: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME? ~Darkness beyond twilight...~
>Ramza: All right, FIGHT!
>Delita: (Walks toward Goemon but is too far away to attack)
>Goemon: (Runs a safe distance away and throws a medal at Delita)
Silver: Yeah, THAT'll hurt!
Jeanna: It would if he was Remy Lebeau.
Silver: So sayeth the Ba... er, _Fangirl_.
Shane: DING! Both of you!
>Delita: (Moves but still can't act)
>Goemon: Little pansy boy can't hit me!
Silver: Heh! Heh!
Jeanna: All RIGHT! We GET it!
>Delita: Shut up, I least I don't use a geeky dumb @$$ pipe!
Jeanna: I'll have you know, a pipe is a VERY useful tool.
>Goemon: That's it! Eeap cheg!!!
Silver: WHAT DID HE CALL ME?? ~Darkness beyon-~ >Whammo!< Ow.
Jeanna: No repeating riffs THAT soon.
>(Uses Sudden Impact and beats Delita with his pipe)
>Delita (Blood coming from head): Ugh... Ramza, what did you get?
Silver: [Ramza] I got a CHICK!
Jeanna: [whacks Silver] Baka...
>Ramza: Delita you coward! Come back here! I will not disgrace my
>family! (Runs after Delita)
Silver: [deadpan] You killed my brother. I will not disgrace my
family. Now you die.
Jeanna: ... Urk!
>In Hosts' Booth.
>Dav: God I hate that line. But did anyone notice he never says it
>in the game?
>Dekar: Be thankful, Ramza's gone.
>Dav: Yeah. Garr, you're reffing!
Silver: Girls, we're riffing!
Jeanna: [dryly] I hadn't noticed.
>Cait Sith: And the winner by default due to cowardace, Goemon!
>Goemon: (Circles head) Daac sau.
Silver: WHA- Oh, heck.
>Back in Hosts' Booth.
>Barret: Dat damn match was too damn short!
>Dav: At least Dekar got his wish.
>Dav: No cameo interruptions!
Jeanna: Thank heaven for small favours...
>Dav: Since there were no blood or guts to clean up from the last
Silver: [Dav] ...the audience became bored and started fighting,
bringing down the roof over us. I'm afraid we're stuck, and will have
to eat each other while we wait for someone to rescue us.
Shane: Ding. But that was a VERY tasteless reference, Silver.
Silver: I know... couldn't think of anything better, sadly. But hey -
would it really MATTER to you if they did that?
Shane: ...no. Got a point there.
>the next one will begin now.
>Dav: the next one will be begin now! Now! NOW!!! ... CAIT!!!
>Cait Sith (Making out with Katt): Oh... sorry.
All: EEECK!! DON'T GO THERE!!
Jeanna: THIS IS DISGUSTING!
Shane: IT'S WORSE THAN DISGUSTING!
Silver: I... agree. It's time to do somthing about it... ~DUG HAUT!~
[hundreds of stone (how the stone got there? Don't ask me!) spikes
thrust through the floor, shredding almost everything inside the
X: AAARGH! _What have you done_?!
Silver: Saved us some agony. I want a break. I made one. Deal. [he
gets up to leave] Coming, ladies, Draco?
[All file out of the theatre. The Theme Song Generator, which,
miraculously, survived the Dug Haut, starts playing a funeral march as
the door closes behind them.]
===[Someplace very far away from Earth]===
X: F**K! Argh, this is SO... Hmm, but maybe if I call in a favour or
two, I can get the theatre repaired today... Hmm. We shall see who
gets the last laugh, Mr. Wizard! Bwafwahehe!
[In the background, Y sweatdrops]
Y: X... Oh, well... for now, we better press the button. [does that]
\ | /
\ | /
/ | \
/ | \
THE REAL END!
...read part II...
Mystery [Insert Pun/Injoke Here] Theatre 3081 Proudly Present...
RPG Deathmatch (continued)
MSTed by I Don't Need To Say That Again, Do I?
Okay, this part is bad. I've run out of stuff to say about this fic. I
don't think I'd be able to do much more about it even if I waited any
longer, and anyway, IF I waited, I'd probably never get around to
continuing anyway. So, I'll have to do with a rather below-standard
MST, and hope that the next one gives me more inspiration...
The three humanoids crawl out into the living room and fall down in
chairs. Draco, not bothered the least, lands on the table, and, of
course, falls asleep.
"I need a drink," Silver proclaimed.
"It'd be welcome," Jeanna agreed. "Sadly, I only have offensive gear
in my Portable Hole."
"...I wish I was feeling up to making the comment that just entered
my brain," Silver sighed, "but at the moment, that would make me sick.
"I'd like something to drink too," Shane interjected before things
could turn bad. "We got anything?"
Silver shook his head. "X didn't supply us with anything except food
and water. We don't have any liquor... but that's not saying it can't
be helped. Let's see... how did that go... Ah. ~Improved Create
"'Improved Create Aclcohol LXVII'?" Jeanna repeated, taking care to
keep her voice expressionless.
"I've... done some research," the wizard confessed. A bottle
appeared in his hand - a transparent, empty, one-litre glass bottle.
"Ah! There it is."
"What? An empty bottle? In that case, you NEED to improve that
spell," Jeanna snorted. "Damn, and I was really thirsty, too..."
"Take this bottle," Silver commanded, grinning. "Hold it and speak
the name of any alcoholic beverage you fancy."
Sighing, Jeanna did this. "Whiskey," she commanded simply. The
bottle darkened and shrank slightly; a label faded in on one side, and
a cork appeared in the neck. Startled, Jeanna almost dropped the
bottle, but only _almost_. Pulling out the cork, she smelled the
"Dammit! It IS whiskey!"
"Of course!" Silver told her indignantly. "I wouldn't have cast the
spell if it didn't work!"
"Shouldn't have doubted you," the three-quarter-elf muttered. "I
keep forgetting what you do for a living."
Silver grinned, a slightly sad grin. "You're lucky, then," he told
her. "I keep trying, but I never manage."
There was a few seconds of rather embarrassing silence. Then Silver
conjured another two bottles, handing one to Shane. "Amaretto," he
commanded, and the bottle changed slightly; turning darker and shorter
but wider, with a large cork and fancy labels. "Ahh..."
"Amaretto, huh?" Jeanna asked with a grin. "Never thought YOU'D be
"Sometimes." Silver conjured another bottle, and told it, "Whiskey -
"Are you feeling comfortable now?" X's voice echoed throughout the
room. Taking a pull from the second bottle, Silver replied,
"Because you're going back into the theatre again!"
Everyone _almost_ dropped their bottles. "Say what?" Shane, her
fingers whitening around the bottle of red wine in her hand, managed
after a few seconds.
"I called in a favour from a Mazoku. The theatre is as good as new -
so get back and start reading, or else!" X paused. "You have five
minutes before I empty the satellite of air!" And then he was gone.
The three humanoids looked at each other. Then they raised their
bottles, took a healthy swig, and headed for the theatre.
===[WARNING! YOU ARE ENTERING MST ZONE!]===
X: And DON'T BREAK ANYTHING this time!
Silver: We'll see about that...
>Cait Sith (Making out with Katt): Oh... sorry.
All: YOU BLOODY WELL BETTER BE! [All drink]
Silver: I'm SOO glad I came up with that spell...
Silver: Katt, obviously.
>team one, Cloud Strife and Mustadio whatever his last name is!
>Cloud: (Twirls sword)
>Mustadio: (Readies gun)
Silver: Gun VS. Sword. In a video game or anime situation: sword beats
gun nine times out of ten. You lose, Jeanna. [raises bottle in a
Jeanna: I will not!
>Cait Sith: And in side two! Maxim and Yae!
>Maxim: (Just stands there)
Silver: Told ya - loser. [he gets whacked]
>Yae: (Jumps up and down)
Silver: Bouncy bouncy... But who the heck is Yae anyway?
>Garr: (Stretches) Fight.
>Cloud and Maxim battle with swords
Jeanna: That's TOO Freudian! [takes a pull from her drink] Heeeh, good
>while Mustadio and Yae fight with gun
>and Yae Bazooka.
Silver: Now THAT is a DUMB name, whatever the bloody thing does.
>Maxim: You think you're so tough with your "Limit Breaks"!
>Cloud: Well if I add "freely" to my limit, it wouldn't sound so
>idiotic like your anger special.
Silver: "Freely Limit Break"? O_o That doesn't sound idiotic? [drinks
more whiskey] Sweet...
Jeanna: He means "Break Limits Freely". [drinks whiskey too] This
makes me feel SO much better...
Shane: ... [Drinks wine] ...
>Maxim: You mean "IP freely"?
[all double over laughing]
Silver: Would we laugh like this if we were sober?
Silver: Than I'm going to get drunker. [drinks even more whiskey]
Shane: That'sh right!
>Cloud: Those are you words, not mine!
>Maxim: Grrr... (Uses Dragonfire)
All: Golden Bird Holy Flower Dragon Tooth Glory Punch! [all drink]
>Cloud: (Absorbs the fire damage) Is that the best you can do? OMNI-
All: Golden Dragon Flower Punch Holy... ... ...?
Jeanna: ...that washn't right, wash it?
Shane: Ash if I care! [drinks wine]
>Cloud: (Finishes Maxim)
Silver: Ha! You owe me 20!
[Jeanna grumbles and drinks more whiskey]
>Maxim's spirit: Selan, I'm so tired. Let me sleep with you.
Silver: [opens mouth]
Jeanna: [sounds quite sober all of a sudden] NO YOU DON'T! [smacks him
with a French horn]
Silver: Ran out ow of fish, did ow you?
>Sephiroth: (Runs out)
Silver: ...of fish. [gets whacked with a trombone]
>No! You must become one with the Planet! (Sucks up
>Maxim's spirit energy
Silver: ...with a VACUUM CLEANER! [hiccups]
>Cait Sith: All right! Maxim didn't stand a chance, and he'll never
>see his wife again! Let's check Mustadio and Yae!
>Mustadio (Firing rapidly): Eat this @$$hole!
Silver: I mosht CERTAINLY will NOT eat that @$$hhole!
Jeanna: Wha- Oh. YUCK!
>Yae (Blocking with Sword Shield):
Silver: [Ashton] As opposhed to SHIELD SHWORD...
>Is that all? (Fires some homing missiles)
>Mustadion: (Standing in a pile of his blood)
All: GROSSH! [all drink]
>Ugh... I won't go down that
>easily. (Uses Flood Geomancy)
Silver: It'sh EITHER Geomanshy OR Aquamanshy! Anything that'sh got
anything to do with FLOODSH ishn't a phracking GEMOANSHY techniquique!
Jeanna: You're drunk.
Silver: Ishn't it wonderful? [looks cross-eyedly at Jeanna... well,
one of the Jeannas, at any rate]
>Yae: Aaaa! Wait a second. (Turns into mermaid)
>Perverts in audience: Wow! (Make wolf sounds)
Silver: Wow! [Make wolf sounds]
Shane: Tha'sh a new one! [hiccups]
>Yae: (Finishes Mustadio and turns back to normal)
>Mustadio: Father... I'm sorry.
Silver: [deadpan, slurredly] Yae killed my father. Now yae die.
Jeanna: Luckshy for yae I'm too plashtered to be pisshed...
>Basrodio: I never did like him.
>Cloud: Hey @%$#$, what're you doing?!
>Yae: My job. (Fires a grenade)
Silver: Sho... Firsht you're doing your job and then yo fire
Jeanna: That ISH a job.
>Cloud: (Kicks grenade into Palmer's donut tray)
>Palmer: (Eats grenade and explodes.)
Silver: WOO-HOO! [drinks EVEN more whiskey] Palmer'sh gone into orbit!
>Cid: (Waving Confederate flag) Hell yeah! As good as he Dukes!
Silver: WHO wash it that shtarted the whole "Cshid and the Dukesh of
Silver: Your BRAIN is on the frizz...
[Jeanna smacks Silver with a 2x4]
Silver: How comes you can shtill do THAT when yhou're drunk?
>Palmer's lard: (Covers the audience)
All: GROSS! [all drink]
>Audience: (Pukes all over Red XIII)
All: GROSS!! [all drink even more]
>Red XIII: Oh come on, not again!
>Yae: I guess I'll have to do this the old way. (Draws katana)
>Cloud: Too late! (Cuts her sword in two)
Jeanna: Hmphfs! You can shtill shtab shomeone withsh the shtump!
Silver: I think thish hash gone far enough... ~Mother ocean~.
Silver: ...you're sober now, are you?
>Cloud: (Knocks Yae out cold)
>Yae: (Just lies there unconcious)
Silver: Well, you don't do much else whey you're unconscious, do you?
>Audience: Finish her! Finish her!
Jeanna: [MK announcer] FINISH HER! [herself] I wonder if I'm still
Silver: Not a chance.
Jeanna: [facepalms] Was afraid of that...
>Cloud: I have a better idea. (Wraps Yae in chains and throws her off
>of the cliff, into the ocean.)
All: AND WE HAVE...!
>Cait Sith: Now that's a finisher! The winner is Cloud!
>Cloud: (Does his voctory dance thingamadoo)
Shane: As opposed to his VICTORY dance thingamadoo?
Silver: As opposed to spinning a 70-kilo sword between his fingers and
then gluing it to his back.
Silver: Did you EVER see a sheath for any of those things?
Jeanna: I'm glad it wasn't ME who just said that, or I'd NEVER hear
the end of it...
>In Hosts' Booth.
>Barret: Hell yeah!
>Dav: A fitting end.
Silver: I KNOW you stole that line! Bring fifty grand to the Grand
Centra Station tomorrow, fourteen hundred hours! Or I'm calling the
Jeanna: [Whacks Silver with a clarinet] That was ONE LAME PUN.
Silver: Actually, it was TWO puns...
Jeanna: Two? OK... [whacks Silver with a clarinet] Better now?
Silver: ...that was NOT what I meant.
>Dekar: But now we don't have an interviewer any more.
>Dav: How quickly you forget. Here's our backup, Setzer Gabbianni/
Silver: Grr! [whacks Jeanna with a 4x8] ONE was enough! That's the
Jeanna: As ow if YOU're ow one to speak ow!
Jeanna: Setzer... san?
Silver: [holding 8x16] Better...
>Dekar: Okay then.
>Dav: It really didn't matter, Palmer didn't do anything.
Silver: Except EXPLODE! Bwafwahaha!
Jeanna: Don't do that! Those laughs are (c) Evil Villains - heroes can
get sued using them.
Silver: [produces a large chequebook] So?
Jeanna: SOMEONE's been doing a lot of "Reverse Side" tricks, I see...
Silver: ^_^ Yup!
>Radio (Lakitu): Okay sir, the camera is fixed!
Silver: The RADIO is a Mimic as well?
>Dav: Great! It'll take a while to clean up Maxim and Palmer.
Silver: ...speaking of which... where's my money, Jeanna?
>(Turns on screen)
>Dav: Ryu and Banjo have already gotten through all of the worlds
>and are ready to fight Grunty.
>Barret: Damn man, that was fast!
Silver: Because SOMEONE kept using those damn Plot Devices all the
time! [a banjo gets broken over his head] What? That wasn't too bad!
Jeanna: Oh, but I disagree... ^_^
>TV (Grunty): Once again I fight that hoser. I will win and not that
Silver: Rgh... bad. Very bad.
>TV (Ryu): Shut up! You're rhymes only get worse! (Turns into Warrior
>and uses Aura)
Silver: WHAT? In ONE ROUND? He's cheating!
>TV (Grunty): Ow! Okay I'll stop rhyming but this time I have backup!
Shane: [Grunty] This time, I have TWO saved games! Bwafwahehe!
>TV: (The Turks enter)
>Barret: What the hell?
>Dyne: I got a letter from 'em saying they wanted a part in this fic.
All: AND! WE! HAVE!
Silver: More like, "We want in on this. Don't make trouble, or else."
>TV (Ryu): (Turns into Kaiser and blows the Turks away)
Silver: o_O ...glnk.
>Dyne: Happy now?
>TV (Reno): Very... (Dies, as does the camera)
>Dav: Godammit! Lakitu, you're fired! Go cover Super Mario 64!
Silver: THAT is a fate worse than death! Nyahaha!
Jeanna: Shaddap! I happen to LIKE that game!
>Dekar: Since the TV is no good we have to resort to interviews.
Jeanna: Setzer... [Silver conjures a rhinoceros and floats it in the
air over her head] ...san?
Silver: Better, yes. [dispels rhino]
>Setzer: I'm down here in the locker room with Sephiroth. Seph, are
>you ready for your biggest match ever?
Silver: The match for -
Jeanna: Say ANYTHING and die.
Silver: ~Aeon Guard~... ANYTHING.
Jeanna: [flattens a tuba against Silver's head]
>Sephiroth: Of course, I will have them all become one with the Planet
>and eventually one with me! (Laughs menihically)
Shane: How do you laugh "menihically"?
Silver: Like this - nyikk! Nyikk! Nyikk! [almost dislodges his jaw]
Ow. I hate it when that happens...
>Setzer: So... you're going to sleep with their spirits?
Silver: ^_^ ! Heh heh! ... HEH! !
Jeanna: SAY it already!
Silver: ^_^ While you're STILL trying to hide that piano behind your
>Seph: Well... yes, that's the truth.
>Setzer: So you admit your true intentions on nationwide TV?
>Sephiroth: I'm on TV? No! I mean no!
>Dav: Sorry Seph, we all know now.
>Sephiroth: Nnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Kills
Jeanna: That is NOT FUNNY! [breaks the piano over Silver's protection
>Dav: That's what happens when you're insane. But if this keeps up
>we'll be short one match. Anyway, it's time for the next one.
>Dekar: Vincent, Shadow, and Magus all against each other!
Silver: In a fair fight? Magus. No doubt. AT ALL.
Jeanna: [fumes] We'll see about that!
>Dav: Why can I see Alucard interfere in this one?
Shane: Because he IS interfering?
Silver: Because he just cast a Detect Plot Device 10' Radius. What
Jeanna: Because he's a phrackin' SI.
Silver: That's a possibility too.
>Dekar: Wait! A late entry, it seems Alucard is going to join this
>Dav: Told 'ya.
>Cait Sith: In corner one, from Final Fantasy 7, Vincent Valentine!
Silver: [:P -ing] Yuck...
>Vincent: (Throws his cape back)
>Cait Sith: In corner two, from Final Fantasy 6, Shadow!
>Shadow: (Scratches head and feeds Interceptor)
Silver: That's "Scratches head and feeds IT TO Interceptor"! [Jeanna
smacks him with a violin]
>Cait Sith: In corner three, from Chrono Trigger, Magus!
>Magus: (Cape flowing in the wind) The Black Wind howls...
Silver: [Black Wind] AwoooooOOOOOOOooooooOOOOh!
[Shane and Jeanna fall out of their seats]
>Cait Sith: And from Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, in corner
Silver: Pansy! ^_^
>Alucard: I've come to put an end to this.
>Garr: Fight. (Stretches)
>The battle begins with Vincent fighing Alucard and Shadow fighting
>Magus (with Magus' music playing).
>Vincent (Firing rapidly with Gold PP7): Take this you damn loser!
Jeanna: AND WE HAVE - and besides, what the heck is a "Gold PP7"? He
never had something like that!
Silver: It means "Paintshop Pro Gold 7". ^_^ But I don't know how you
SHOOT someone with it...
>Alucard (Blocking with shield):
Silver: Yeah, RIGHT...
>My my, such language. I'm going to have
>to teach you some manners (turns into wolf).
>Vincent: Shut up! (Turns into Death Gigas and charges Alucard)
Jeanna: AND! WE! HAVE! Stage one: turn into Chaos. Stage two: use
Satan Slam. Stage three: collect the price money!
Silver: ... [sweatdrop]
>Alucard: (Turns into mist and dodges)
>Alucard: See, isn't that more appropriate?
>Vincent: Grrr... (Charges again)
Jeanna: Charges UP - the Live Wire technique, that is...
>Alucard: (Dodges again the same way)
>Cait Sith: It seems Vincent can't hurt Alucard!
>Vincent: Now I know how Prettz felt when he tried to fight Mid's
Silver: Ghosts? Puh-LEEZE! You don't FIGHT ghosts! You cast Holy on
>Author's note: He's talking about the Final Fantasy Japanimations,
>Mid is a character from FF5.
Author's Note: As if I didn't know that!
Silver: WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT?!
Author's Note: Sorry...
Silver: You damn well BETTER be!
Author's Note: [sweatdrop]
>Alucard: I tire of this. (Slashes with Crissaegrim)
>Vincent: (Gets diced and blood flies everywhere)
Jeanna: What? NO WAY!!
>Alucard: And your tarts were awful.
Silver: No, that's "You were awful, you tart" - >WA-TAK!<
>Cait Sith: And Vincent is gone! Let's check Shadow and Magus!
>Magus: Very well then, if you're prepard for the void.
>Shadow: Shut up farm boy!
Silver: FARM boy? O_o Magus is a phockin' PRINCE dammit!
Jeanna: You mean, The Wizard Formerly Known As - [she gets whacked
with a hardcover copy of "The Fic Formerly Known As The End Of
>Magus: Farm boy? That does it! (Throws scythe)
Silver: [facepalms] Is EVERYONE going to catch the Stupid Disease
>Shadow (Hurt): Ah! Get 'em Interceptor!
>Interceptor: (Attacks Magus)
>Magus: (Dodges and casts Dark Matter)
All: Oh my god, they killed Interceptor! You bastards!
>Relm: You killed Interceptor? You bastard!
All: Argh! The author is out to get us!
>(Jumps into ring)
>Magus: A little child? Ha! (Laughs menihically)
>Relm: That does it! I'm gonna paint your portrait! (Paints his
>Magus (Doesn't know what the hell she's talking about): I think you
>got my hair a little too... holy
Silver: [Magus] It's not Holy! My hair is DARKNESS ELEMENTAL, damn it!
>pow!< [himself] What? WHAT?
>Portrait: (Kills Magus)
>Shadow: Hey, he was mine!
>Relm: Was not!
>Shadow: Was too!
>Relm: Was not!
>Shadow: Was too!
>Relm: Was not!
>Shadow: Was too!
Silver: [Zor] Did not!
Shane: [Chaz] Did too!
Silver: [Zor] Did not!
Shane: [Chaz] Did too!
Silver: [Zor] Did not!
Shane: [Chaz] Did too!
Jeanna: ... ~HEAVEN AND EARTH CUT!~
[Silver and Shane get blasted into the back row of the theatre]
>During this argument Alucard kills both Shadow and Relm.
>Cait Sith: And the winner is Alucard!
>Dracula: Well met my son!
Silver: [crawls back into his ruined seat] I thought vampires couldn't
see their mirror images? So... how come he's reading his NAME in the
Shane: [ditto] They can't CAST Mirror Image either!
>Alucard: Father...I was hoping we would not see each other again. How
Silver: [Alucard ā la teenager] ...many times am I gonna have ta tell
you, I NEED MY ALLOWANCE RAISED!
Shane: [Dracula ā la parent] Not until you clean your room! And CUT
YOUR HAIR, for heaven's sake!
Jeanna: [snickers] For HELL'S sake, you mean...
>the hell did you get ressurected this time?
Silver: An INSTANT PLOT DEVICE!
>Dracula: An INSTANT PLOT DEVICE!
Jeanna: Riffback! That's one thwap! [tries to thwap Silver]
Silver: I TOLD you, GET YOUR OWN LINES! [dodges and Fireballs Jeanna]
>Cloud (The author): Just add water.
>Cait Sith (The author): The INSTANT PLOT DEVICE is copyrighted 1 3/4
Silver: LIKE HELL it is!!
>Alucard: Well, I don't want to have this conversation again. (Kills
>Richter: Hey! I wanted a piece of him!
Silver: That sounds dirty! ^_^
Jeanna: Why you...!
>Alucard: Too bad.
>Richter: That does it! (Jumps into ring)
>Alucard and Richter Belmont fight and soon Richter gains the
>Alucard: Aaugh! I think I'm done for!
>Maria (Runs in): Alucard! Alucard your strength! (Makes Alucard
Shane: Holy War!
Silver: No, that's _Jihad_.
[a weird-looking Esper (well, actually, THREE Espers) appears and
dices the screen]
Silver: What the FAQ?
Author's Note: Silver, that's an Esper from FF6.
Silver: I know that! And STOP DOING THAT!
Author's Note: Sorry... Just trying to be helpful...
X: ...~Re. Verse. Time.~
>Richter: Oh... my...
Silver: ...stars and garters?
Girls: O_o Nani?
>Alucard: (Cuts Richter into a million pieces)
Silver: I know how you feel. It's like someone told me Harry Potter
blew up the entire galaxy.
>Cait Sith: That was a nice extra match!
>Alucard: Thank you Maria. (Starts to leave)
Shane: [singing] Cuncti simus concanentes... Ave Maria...
Silver: Whoa! _D_I_N_G_!_ And have a Tilde, too - heck, have the
entire box! Here! [~]
Shane: Woo-hoo! TILDES! Yay!
Jeanna: ...[sweatdrop] That can't be healthy.
>Maria: Wait, I won't let you leave me again.
>Alucard: You mean...?
Shane: [Maria] I AM your mother!
Silver: You REALISE that you've just managed to kill the myth of the
"virgin"? She can't possibly get away with "god" being the father of
>Cait Sith: Aw, another happy ending.
>Now get the hell out!
>Alucard: Sorry. (Leaves with Maria)
>In Hosts' Booth.
>Dav: All right, now that the match is over and we have nothing to do,
>we'll move on.
>Dekar: It's Edge and Mario vs. Ebusumaru and Geno!
>Dav: Personally I don't think Ebisumaru stands a chance, he sucks!
Silver: As if MARIO would stand a chance! Edge rules! ^_^
Jeanna: He's a bad casanova. Hmm... well, of COURSE Silver likes him.
Shane: Was that...?
Jeanna: Was that what?
Silver: It most certainly was NOT. RIGHT, JEANNA...? [makes a show of
holding up a Fireball]
Jeanna: Gleep! Whatever it was, it wasn't... whatever it was that it
>Cait Sith: In side one, Edge and Mario!
>Cait Sith: And in side two, Ebisumaru and Geno!
>Ebisumaru: Eechi mato cook!
Silver: Ecchi mate cook?
>Garr: (Stretches) Fight.
>As you expected Edge and Ebisumaru fight while Mario and Geno battle
>Edge: You can't defeat me, I'm a prince.
Jeanna: Oh? Look what happened to Magus... ^.^
>Ebisumaru: Shut up you wierdo!
>Edge: Wierdo? I'm not the one who takes his clothes off in the store
>Ebisumaru: I was trying to get a discount!
Silver: [snorts] Yeah, THAT'LL do the trick...
Jeanna: [dryly] You've tried, I assume...?
Silver and Shane: JEANNA!
>Edge: I'll give you a discount, half off! (Slashes at Ebisumaru's
>Ebisumaru: (Dodges and uses wind-up camera)
>Edge (Blinded): Aaugh! I'll do you for that! (Slashes and cuts
>Ebisumaru's hand off)
>Ebisumaru: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! (Uses Mini-Ebisu)
Silver: [announcer] Goat Dolls! Goat Dolls! Slightly used Goat Dolls!
Five for a buck!
Jeanna: [customer] "Used"? What do you mean by "used"?
Silver: HOLD on a minute... did you just ... [singing] She didn't
say... what I think she did... did she? [talking] You did, didn't
Jeanna: So WHAT? I have a license for that too, you know! [she gives
Silver a hurt look]
>Edge: You little pansy!
Silver: :P Yukk!
>Ebisumaru: Okay. (Regrows behind Edge and whcks him with his hammer)
>Cait Sith: And Ebisumaru has turned the tide! Let's see how Mario and
>Geno are doing!
Silver: [Cait] They are doing EACH OTHER! Ack! Turn it off!
[Silver gets whacked. Hard.]
>Geno: Hey Mario, here's a wish for ya, I wish you were dead!
>Mario: Shut up! (Starts to beat Geno with a plunger)
Silver: And THAT sounds VERY dirty.
>Geno: Ow, hey! STOP!
>Mario: (Jumps on Geno
Silver: AAARGH! TURN IT OFF! TURN IT _OFF_!
Silver: [blinks] ..phEW!
>Geno: That's it! (Uses Geno Flash)
>Mario: Ow! Hey dolly, EAT THIS! (Uses Ultra Flame)
>Geno (Gets set on fire): AAAAAHHHHHH!!! (Runs around panicking)
Girls: STOP, DROP AND ROLL!
Silver: STOP, SHOP, TAKE A POLL!
Girls: O.o Wha?
>Ebisumaru: (Hits Edge again) Ha! This should finish you! (Raises
>Geno: (Runs into Ebisumaru, knocking him down)
>Edge: All right! (Lifts Ebisumaru with his swords and throws him into
>Ebisumaru/Geno: (Burn to death)
Silver: A winner is... I! Pay up!
>Mario: Oh man, I wasn't done with him!
>Cait Sith: The winners are Edge and Mario!
>Edge: I did it for you Rydia.
>Rydia: Oh give me a break!
Silver: [dumb Edge] OK... [mimics breaking someone's neck] Better? Eh?
Girls: Duh... [facepalm]
>Cecil: I think we need to have Cid beat him up again.
>Kain: Cid Highwind killed him.
Silver: ...and CID Highwind was blown out of existence when he killed
his ancestor CAIN Highwind...!
>Cecil: Oh yeah...
>In Hosts' Booth
>Dav: These matches are getting too short.
>Dekar: I agree, but the cameo interruptions are nice.
All: LIKE HELL THEY ARE!
>Dav: I thought you hated cameo interruptions!?
>Barret: Remember Dav, he ain't very bright.
Silver: Ooh, look who's speaking!
Jeanna: [raises 2x4] ...no, he's right. [discards 2x4]
>Dekar: But just remember, I'm the world's greatest swordsman.
Jeanna: Ow. My ears.
Silver: Very CUTE ears, those...
Jeanna: Silver NO BAKA! [whacks Silver with a frying pan]
>Dav: You know, I'm sick of your bragging! I'm going to give you a
>Dav: Admit you suck, or die.
Silver: No, that's "start sucking or d"- >KER-POW!< @_@ Itai...
Jeanna: [dusting off her hands] Justice is served.
>Dekar: I'm the best!
>Dav: So be it. (Snaps)
Jeanna: ...AT THE MIDDLE!
>The Turks run in and kill Dekar.
>Barret: Wait a damn minute, I thought the Turks was dead!
>Reno: Cloud used another Instant Plot Device.
>Rude: Just add water.
All: THAT'S "..."!
>Dav: O...kay. Since Dekar is dead Barret is now the co-host and we
>hav to bring out our reserve backup guest-host. Someone I'm sure
>you've never heard of.
Silver: Try me.
Jeanna: [co-host] Know ye not my name? 'Tis well known by many...
Shane: Wow! DING! Here, have one of my Tildes... ~!
Jeanna: ...[sweatdrop]... thanks... I think. [drops Tilde in Portable
>The star of six Japanimation films, child A! (Better known as A-Ko)
Silver: Oh. Not only do I know HER, I know her TASTE as well! ^_-
Jeanna: Hentai! [whacks Silver]
Silver: And ow proud of it ow too!
>A-Ko: Wow, I actually got to come
Silver: Yeah, several tim-
>Whack!< >Crunch!< >Thud!<
>Dav: Now, I understand you have super-human powers?
Silver: [A-Ko] Doesn't everybody?
>Barret: Hey Dav, ain't she the one who...
>Dav: Shut up, do you want the perverts to get riled up again?
Silver: Off Course! ^_^
Girls: [facepalm, sweatdrop, repeat as necessary]
>Barret: Hell no!
>Dav: All right then, time for the next match!
>Cait Sith: In side one, Rand and Bo!
>Rand: (Cracks knuckles)
>Bo: (Readies Bow)
Silver: ...he readies his opponent? Now THAT'S fair fighting!
>Cait Sith: And in side two, Ox and uh... Bow.
>Ox: (Punches the wall and makes a gay @$$ face)
Shane: That is a singularly disgusting thought...
>Bow: (Just stands there)
>Rand attacks Bow
Silver: Rand attacks with Bow!
Shane: Hitting for 7 points of damage!
Silver: ...what the... wait, WHO did he attack?
Jeanna: ARGH! [whacks Silver and Shane]
>while Bo fights Ox.
>Rand: You stinkin' pansy, come and get me!
>Bow: (Shoots arrow)
>Arrow: (Bounces off of Rand)
>Bow: Oh crap...
>Rand: (Punches Bow as hard as he can)
Silver: ...which doesn't mean too much. Pansy.
>Bow: (Flies into a wall) Ugh... right! (Fires another arrow)
>Rand: (Gets hit in the groin)
Silver: Ow. That's gona leave a mark...
>Rand (Really high voice): AAAAAAAA!!! That does it! (Rolls into ball
>and cruches Bow)
>Bow: (Dies in a REALLY bloody mess)
>Audience: (Pukes all over Red XIII)
>Red XIII (Wearing rain gear): Ha! I was prepared this time!
>Cait Sith: It's gonna take a while to clean up Bow with a spatula!
Silver: A COMBAT Spatula(TM)? That's copyright infringement!
>Let's check Ox's and Bo's progress!
>Ox: I'll get you!
>Bo: Oh yeah!? (Fires arrows rapidly)
>Ox: (Loses both eyes) Oh s**t! (Swings hammer wildly)
>Ox: (Breaks his way through the arena to the outside)
>Bo: Man, I never thought he was that dumb.
>Ox: (Keeps swinging forward until he lands in the ocean)
>Yae (As mermaid but still wrapped in chains): Hey! Big lug! Come over
>here and untie me!
>Cait Sith: Ox and Bo win!
All: ... [facepalm]
>In Hosts' Booth
>Barret: Hell yeah!
>A-Ko: Has this been going on the whole time?
>Dav: Yep, while they clean up Bow with a spatula
Silver: I told you, it's copyright infringement!
>let's see if we can find
>out what happened to Ryu.
Shane: Which one of them?
Silver: STILL all of them.
>Barret: Hey, ya fired Lakitu!
>Dav: Backup! I sent that idiot Edward. (Turns on TV)
>A picture of a door appears.
>Dav (Speaking to radio): Uh Edward, hat the hell's going on?
>Radio (Edward): Well, they won't let me in.
>Perverts in audience: BOOOOOOOOO!!!
Silver: People, PEOPLE! Think for a moment! That's Nina _3_ we're
talking about! And RYU 3 as well! You DON'T want to see that!
Shane: [Pervert in audience] YES GODDAMMIT! I DO!
Silver: [smirking] SHANE! I never thought you'd turn to the Dark
Shane: EEEP! [goes beet red]
Silver: Heh heh heh...
Jeanna: Be NICE, Silver!
>Dav: Uh... better forget about it then. Let's go to the next match.
>Cait Sith: Since Cloud is
Silver: ...a pansy...
Sivler: Same thing... >WHAM!<
Jeanna: I said, STOP THAT.
>Cloud: Was there any doubt?
>Cait Sith: The next match will feature four contestants! In side one,
>Tifa Lockheart and Mallow!
Jeanna: [hiding bokken behind her back] What?
Silver: Just ^_^ .
Silver: ...Mallow. >SMAWACK!< Ow. But it ow was worth ow it ow.
>a few warm up punches)
>Cait Sith: And in side two, Aeris Gainsborough and Princess
>Toadstool: (Swings her frying pan)
>Garr: All right girls...
>Mallow: I'm not a girl!
Silver: [Mallow] I'm a Super-Sayajin hermaphrodite! *Ohs**t...*
Jeanna: KILL! [attacks Silver with a cheese-grater]
Shane: OSCAR! SAILOR MOON! _LEMONS_! _K_I_L_L_!_ ~GIGA SLAVE!~
Silver: [now a smouldering heap] Ow ow did ow ow not ow ow hurt
>Garr: No hair pulling, no scratching, and no cheap spells! (Streches)
Shane: [Aerith] No CHEAP thpellth? OK! UWTIMA! Tee hee!
Silver: [pulling himself together - literally] Cut the ow #rpgffml
Jeanna: How do you pronounce "#" anyway?
Silver: The ow wonders of ow text files? Ow.
Jeanna: And you tell ME to get my own lines...
>Aside from you expected Tifa is fighting Toadstool while Mallow takes
Silver: [looks to the left, then to the right, then looks at the
reader] I don't think it'd be good for my health to make that riff
you're expecting. Sorry.
Author's Note: There goes the fourth wall... OW! Dammit, why does that
thing have to fall on ME all the time?
Silver: ONE more of those "Authors' Note" things and you'll be a very
>Tifa; All right you prick! Let's see what ya got!
Silver: [to the reader] Or that one.
>Toadstool: Who're you calling a prick? You slut! (Attacks)
>Tifa: (Blocks easily) You couldn't hurt a fly!
Jeanna: No, but you can hurt people WITH a fly... [diabolic grin]
Silver: [crosses his legs and grimaces] Ow. Ow. OW.
Jeanna: Heh heh heh...
Shane: [Singing] And all the girls say, "he's pretty fly - for a white
Silver: [glares tantos at Shane]
>Toadstool: HO!!! (B***h slaps Tifa)
>Tifa: HO!!! (B***h slaps Aeris)
>Aeris: HO!!! (B***h slaps Mallow)
>Mallow: HO!!! (B***h slaps Toadstool)
>Garr: Unusual, but effective.
>Tifa: That's it! Now I'm mad!
Silver: [Tifa] Yeah! I'm...
All: STARK RAVING MAD!
>Toadstool: (Bashes Tifa in the head)
>Cait Sith: And Tifa's head has been crushed! (Does his dance and pops
>out a fortune)
Silver: Hey, she's ALREADY dead! You can't read that in the FUTURE!
...well, YOU can't read ANYTHING in the future, of course.
Jeanna: Be nice.
Silver: Can't you say "be good" instead?
>Mallow is gonna make a comeback!
>Mallow: You killed her! I'm not gonna cry, but I'll kill you!
>attacks Toadstool with Sonic Cymbals)
>Toadstool: (Head explodes from the noise, blood and brains cover the
Silver: Uh oh. Here we go again...
>Red XIII: Uh oh. (Moves Edgar into his seat)
All: O_O !!!
>Audience: (Pukes all over Edgar)
Silver: Heh heh heh...
Shane: Indeed! GROSSNESS! Yuck!
>Cait Sith: And now Toadstool is dead! It's down to Mallow and Aeris!
>Aeris: Take this! (Whacks Mallow with her staff)
>Mallow: (Splits in two and
Silver: ...dies. ^_^ The end!
>gives Aeris the raspberry)
Jeanna: O.o THE raspberry?
Silver: [Mallow] I got the Awmighty Rathpbewwy! Bow befowe me!
Shane: Isn't that MELLOW? ^.^
>Mallow: (Rejoins and casts HP Rain)
All: FOURTH WALL ALERT! [all take out umbrellas and unfold them] [the
4:th Wall collapses; the parts bounce off the umbrellas, leaving the
>Aeris: (Gets mildly sickened)
>Author's note: As most of you know, Mallow jumps out of his pants
>when he casts a spell.
Shane: GROSSNESS! ...er... huh?
Silver: [rolls eyes]
>Aeris: (Pukes all over Mallow)
Silver: [facepalms] Argh...!
>Mallow: (Starts crying)
>Aeris: (Shoves a grenade down Mallow's throat)
All: O_o AND WE HAVE...!
>Mallow: (Explodes and pieces of him cover the audience)
Silver: Ho ho, here we go AGAIN...
>Audience: (Pukes all over Aeris)
>Cait Sith: Aeris wins!
>Aeris: Oh my god,
All: ...I KILLED MALLOW! MY BASTARD!
Silver: Same thing. ^_^
Jeanna: ARGH! [shoves grenade down Silver's throat]
Silver: Gulp? [burps] Tasty! Got another? ^_^
>In Hosts' Booth
>Dav: That was...
>Barret: Strange? Odd? S***ty?
Shane: Yes what?
Silver: All of it.
Jeanna: I get this strange sense of-
Silver: Jeanna no baka... ^_^
>Dav: Mildly disgusting.
>Barret: Uh.. hey! Where's A-Ko?
>Dav: Oh she had to save her friend from a giant 30,000 room space
>Frankly I don't know what she's talking about. (Author's note:
>Referral to the Project A-Ko series there)
Author's Note: I'm getting VERY fed up with these...
Silver: DAMMIT! YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT! ~LEGEON!~
Author's Note: Oh, poopie... >SMACKAFOOM!< Itai...
>Barret: I'll never understand dem Japanimations.
Silver: You think you're the only one?
Jeanna: Hey! Don't diss the Holy Power of Anime!
Silver: [sweatdrop] Don't tell me YOU understood Akira.
Girls: Eh... heh... hrm... [sweatdrop]
Silver: I thought as much. ^_^
>Dav: Neither will I, and we have nothing to do while we wait for the
>Barret: Wait a damn minute! What about Setzer?
>Dav: Killed by Kefka.
Jeanna: Kefka no baka!
Silver: You CAN'T outdo me at this, Shane. Give up before you hurt
>Dav: Ran away when he saw danger coming.
Silver: ... [mutters] ~stoneskin~ [normal] Grossness! ^_^
Girls: Ack! [thwack Silver] OW!
Silver: As I said - ^_^ ...
>Barret: Okay... what about Ryu?
>Dav: Oh yeah. (Looks out window) Here he comes now,
Silver: ...no, not again.
Girls: [glare venomously]
>looks like he was successful.
>Ryu/Nina: (Enter Hosts' Booth)
>Ryu: Dav, we have an announcement to make.
>Dav: Go ahead.
>Nina: We're getting married during the victory celebration for the
Shane: No, it's CUTE!
>Barret: What the hell?
>Dav: Fine by me, you two sit up here during the last match.
>Barret: Wait! Where're Banjo an' Kazooie?
>Ryu: Uh... I accidentially blew them away when I went berserk by
>using the Infinity Gene without the Failure Gene.
Silver: Now THAT system is JUST stupid. FAILURE gene? O_o SOMEONE
needs to take a Crash Course In Genetics...
>Dav: Wow good job. It's time for the last match!
Silver: ...the one for PERSON!
Jeanna: GRR! [sets fire to Silver]
Silver: [shows her The Finger; he's wearing a red ring on that very
selfsame finger] ^_^ Flare Ring.
Shane: How many rings do you HAVE, anyway?
Silver: Himitsu desu, Shane-chan.
>Barret: Hell yeah!
>Nina (muttering): Men...
Silver: ...are very good to have around. ^_^ [he gets thwapped] What?
>Cait Sith: The final match is about to begin! From Final
>Fantasy 6, Kefka!
Silver: ~Darkness beyond twilight...~
Jeanna: [sweatdrop] What IS it with you and Kefka anyway?
Silver: ...I DISLIKE him... ~...crimson beyond blood that flows...~
>Kefka: (Laughs menihically)
Silver: ~...buried in the flow of time...~
>Cait Sith: From Final Fantasy 4, Zeromus!
Silver: Would you rather I continue the chant?
Jeanna: [blinks] ...no.
>Zeromus: I am the product of Zemus'
Silver: [Zeromus] ...imagination. I don't exist. Just cast Dispel and
I'll go away.
>Cait Sith: From Lufia II, the four Sinistrals, Gades, Amon,
>Erim, and Daos!
>Gades: I am the Master of Destruction!
>Amon: I am the Master of Chaos!
Silver: [Amon] Don't steal my name. [grows claws and slashes the
screen in a pretty criscross pattern]
Shane: WHOA! _D_I_N_G_!_ That was OBSCURE! Here, have a Tilde! ~! ^.^
Jeanna: And I LOVE it! [kisses Silver]
Silver: ! [faints]
Jeanna: Heh heh heee... And I love having THAT effect, too... >:)
X: I told you NOT TO BREAK ANYTHING!! Dammit! ~Reverse time~...
>Erim: I am the Mistress of Death!
Jeanna: I BET Silver would have said something about that...
Shane: I won't bet against it.
>Daos: I am the Master of Terror!
>Guy: And you're all idiots!
>Cait Sith: From Breath of Fire, Tyr!
>Tyr: You don't want to be my friend?
Jeanna: Hell no!
Jeanna: If there's ANYONE here who deserves that... term... Silver
keeps using... it's her.
>Cait Sith: From Breath of Fire II, Death Evan!
>DeathEvn: Give yourself to God!
Jeanna: Like hell I will! If you want me, come and get me, you sissy!
Shane: [sweatdrop] So with Silver out of the way, YOU go strange?
Jeanna: [winks] Well, ONE of us must play that part...
>Cait Sith: From Breath of Fire III, Myria!
>Myria: You have a choice, your power or the world.
Silver: [waking up] Eh? I'll have both, thank you.
Shane: Welcome back to the land of the living, Sir Mage.
>Cait Sith: From Mystical Ninja: Starring Goemon, Spring Breeze
>Dancin' and Kitty Lily!
>Dancin': (Does his stupid laugh)
>Lily: (Does her stupid laugh)
Shane: I'm noticing a trend here...
>Cait Sith: From Mario RPG, Smithy!
>Smithy: (Swings hammer)
>Cait Sith: And from Final Fantasy Tactics, Altima!
Silver: ULTIMA dammit! It's ULTIMA! It wasn't Altima in FF6 and it
sure as hell isn't Altima here!
>Altima: I am the Truth!
Silver: You live a lie. Ask me about truth.
Girls: NANI? What was THAT all about?
Silver: How DO you two talk like that?
>Garr: Fight. (Runs like hell)
>Kefka: (Casts Ultima)
Silver: ...into a spiked pit... >:>
>Zeromus: (Uses Big Bang)
Silver: Yuck! Too many tacos, Zero-man...
>Gades: (Uses Destructo Wave)
Silver: That goes for him too...
>Amon: (Uses Choas Wave)
Silver: Unfortunately, Choas became pissed and relaimed his Wave, then
smacked Amon with it. Not before AMON clawed his eyes out, however...
Jeanna: ...why are YOU so dark for?
Silver: You don't wanna know that.
>Erim: (Uses Devastation Wave)
>Daos: (Uses Terror Wave)
>Tyr: (Casts Comet)
[Silver doubles over laughing]
>DeathEvn: (Casts BoltX)
[Silver stops laughing]
>Myria: (Casts Holocaust)
>Dancin' (In ginat robot):
Jeanna: ...hold it... hold it... I KNOW I have a riff for this
[a few seconds pass]
Jeanna: Dammit! I lost it.
Silver: A LONG time ago...
Jeanna: ...huh - HEY!
>(Launches a buch of giant asteriods)
Silver: ...AKA, cast Comet. ^_^
>Lily: (Gets killed right away)
>Smithy: (Casts Sword, Spear, and Arrow Rain)
>Altima: (Dies right away)
>The last bosses keep using their cheap spells until it's down to
>Dancin' and Kefka.
Silver: KEFKA beat ZEROMUS?? Now I've seen EVERYTHING! o_O
>Kefka (Laughing menihically): Now I will destroy this world!
>Dancin': Oh yeah? (Shoots a bunch of colored balls at Kefka)
Silver: Oh yeah, THAT'll hurt him...
>Kefka: (Extremely hurt)
Silver: What?! It DID hurt him?
Jeanna: Tough luck. Deal. ^_^
>Crud, what a mess!
>Dancin': (Charges Kefka
Silver: [Kefka] Hey! I can't pay this!
Shane: [Dancin'] Sorry... A nine-course dinner, a 1876 red wine, and a
bucket of Russian caviar... that IS 6.000.076 gil, including tip. You
were well aware of this when you ordered.
>Kefka: (Flies through the wall and dies)
>Cait Sith: The winner is Dancin'!
>Dancin': (Laughs menihically) Now I will make this into a beautiful
>Goemon: Oh no you don't! I won't let you get away this time! (Summons
>Impact) Impact theme song plays.
[Silver starts whistling "Mirror Mirror"]
Jeanna: That's YOUR theme song...
>Dav: Why does that play every time they summon Impact?
Silver: Because of a Plot Device, Off Course!
Jeanna: Stop spelling it like that!
Silver: Can't help it! SPELLing is my speciality!
[a dictionary falls on Silver]
Silver: Ow! What the hell... TSG??
Voice: No. But you DESERVED that.
Silver: I recognise you, Mr. Author's Note! Just you wait!
>Impact: (Wrestles with Dancin's robot)
>The two robots wrestle for about ten minutes when Impact charges
>Robots: (Fall of off cliff)
Silver: DON'T CALL ME THAT!
Jeanna: [thwaps Silver] DON'T SAY THAT!
>Robots: (Fall into ocean and crush Yae)
>Cait Sith: IT's all over!
>Dav: So soon?
ALL: SOON?? WE'VE BEEN HERE FOR TWO EPISODES!!
[the Fourth Wall groans in the background, and everybody unfold their
>Barret: 'Fraid so.
>Dav: Well, we thank everyone for coming to the fights! Let's recap!
All: No! Let's not and say we didn't!
> Cait Sith: RyuIII and NinaIII tied the first match.
All: YOU OWE ME MONEY for that! [All glare evilly at each other]
>Cid Highwind blew
>away the competition.
Silver: ^_^ Told ya...
>Rei just barely won (thanks to Prettz).
Shane: What do you mean, thanks to Prettz? He woulda won ANYWAY!
>Goemon bashed Delita's brains out.
>Cloud easily on against Yae.
Silver: ^_^ ...told ya!
Silver: A match where NO ONE wins money? How POINTLESS!
>Edge and Mario made a nice comeback to win theirs.
Silver: ^_^ Told ya!
Jeanna: CUT THAT OUT!
>Rand and Bow beat Ox
>and Bow. Aeris easily defeated that crybaby Mallow. And Dancin' hung
>by a thread to defeat Kefka.
Silver: Well, ANYONE is better than Kefka...
>Dav: Once again, thanks to all of the contestants, and we have a
>victory celebration for the winners...
>Ryu: Plus a wedding.
>Dav: In the 7th Heaven.
Silver: [God] No, it's hired. Why don't you take the 6th Heaven
Jeanna: [Dav] Hey! I thought we sorted that out!
Silver: [God] Sorry. The last wedding was so noisy I couldn't sleep.
I'd feel much better with another Heaven between you and me.
Shane: Now THAT is gonna get people SO mad at you, Silver.
Silver: So? ^_^
>At the celebration.
>Dav: Hey Aeris? Are you glad to have won Cloud?
All: [Singing] Up on Cloud number Nine...
>Aeris: Yeah, but I think he wanted Tifa more.
>Dav: I see your point. (Looks at Cloud who's sobbing over a
>picture of Tifa) Hey Cid! How do you feel?
>Cid: Like I was hit by a #^#% on of bricks. Are the Dukes on yet?
Silver: [facepalms] I hate that...
>Hondara: Excuse me, it's time to start the wedding.
Silver: [Hondara] Are you saying you want to abandon the teachings of
God? [himself] HELL YES!
>Dav: Oh, right.
>Hondara: (Starts the wedding)
>It's a typical wedding, nothing strange happens until...
Silver: ...the H-bomb fell and KILLED EVERYBODY! The end!
Girls: [sweatdrop (again)]
>Hondara: I now pronounce you
Silver: [Hondara] ...Dragon and Bird... thing... whatever it is that
you are, Nina.
>man and wife.
Silver: That works too.
>Barret (Crying): Damn man, I'm no good at weddings.
Silver: You only have to be good at the WEDDING NIGHT, Barret -
>Dav: Yeah, even though we hosted death matches we have a happy
>Nina: If you hadn't hosted the matches, I probably would never have
>revealed my feelings for Ryu. Thank you Dav. (Kisses him)
>Barret (Thinking): He probably would've killed her first though.
Silver: [Erg] Nina is a pretty sad character. Her magic isn't bad,
but isn't much better than Peco's or Rei's regular attacks. She'd be
okay, actually, if it wasn't for her complete lack of anything
resembling defence -- she usually gets killed in one or two hits.
[himself] Agreed! ^_^
Shane: DING! I'm running low on Tildes, but have one anyway... you
deserve it. ~!
Silver: Nah, you keep that. ~!
Shane: Sure? Thanks. [puts Tilde back in box]
Jeanna: [sweatdrop] Tildes... O.o Argh!
>Dyne: Hey! What about me? I came up with the deathmeatch ideas!
Silver: Well, of COURSE you'll get your reward... ... ... [starts
casting long and elaborate spell]
>Dav: Take off!
>Dyne: That's it! I'm changing the story line!
>Prettz runs into the bar.
>Prettz: There you are you idiot!
>Dav: Who're you callin' an idiot Cornholio!
>Prettz: Cornholio? Oh for crackin' ice!
Silver: By jingo! A Shadowrun crossover! ^_^
>Dav: (Draws sword)
>Prettz: (Draws sword)
>Cait Sith: All right, an extra match! In corner one, from his
>creator's keyboard, Dav Cole!
>Dav: After this I'm taking a vacation.
Silver: Why don't you come over here? It's such a nice place... [tries
to hide fully charged Fireball behind his back]
[the girls sweatdrop AGAIN]
>Cait Sith: And in corner two, from the Final Fantasy movie, Prettz!
>Prettz: Heh heh...
Silver: ... ... ... ~infinity...~
[the girls dive for cover]
[the screen is fried into little crispy bits]
X: AAAARGH!! I'LL KILL YOU!
Silver: I accept the challenge. Come on over here and we'll sort
X: [SWEATDROP] ...~Reverse time~!
>Prettz: S**t not again!
>Dav: (Throws Prettz into orbit) That was too easy.
>Cloud: Way too easy.
>Cid: ##$@! I think that #$^@#^#@$^#^ has what was comin' to his @$$!
Silver: ... ... ...I'm not saying it.
Jeanna: O_O You... aren't... saying it?
>Dav: What're you staring at? Let's continue the celebration.
>The celebration/reception continues.
>Fahl: hic...Why do I have to be bartender? I wasn't in any match?
>Bo: Because Tifa was killed.
>Cloud: Hey Fahl, what's that black bottle back there?
>Fahl: Don't know...hic...
>Cloud: I'll take some.
>Cait Sith: I wouldn't do that.
>Cloud: Oh come on, hat harm could it do?
Silver: [Cait] Well, for starters, NO ONE should drink something that
comes from a bottle that is black with a white skull-and-crossbones
motif. Second, the label says "DANGER! POISON! AND WE DON'T MEAN THE
>(Pours a glass)
>Cid: Hey! What the @$%& aer you doing?! (Runs up and starts to choke
>Cloud) Stay outta my booze!
>Barret: We gonna have Cloud an' Cid fight?
>Dav: Nah, plus I have a date. (Leaves with A -Ko)
>Edge: Lucky pansy.
Silver: Luck has nothing to do with it. He's SELFINSERTED! But the
"pansy" part was OK...
>Barret: Well, you'll never see anything like dis again.
>Cid (Drunk off his @$$): (Pukes all over Red XIII)
Silver: I'll be glad when this is over...
>Red XIII: That's it! I quit! (Runs out)
>Rei: Doesn't that just beat all...
X: Not yet, little lab rats!
All: DAMN YOU!
>Cloud: Wait! IT can't be over!
>Dyne: Why not?
Silver: Because HANPAN SAID SO! ^_^
Shane: DING! Heh heh!
>Cloud: I want to ask you a few questin about Dav!
>Dyne: Go ahead.
>Cloud: Why the hell do you have him in so many of your fics?
Silver: Because he's SELFINSERTED, ya pansy! Any more INTELLIGENT
questions? How the hell else could he get A-Ko just like that?
>Dyne: You're not the first to ask me that. I put him in to add
>a little more hell to Yuffie's life,
Jeanna: Good thinking.
[a safe (manufactured Franz Jaeger) falls on Jeanna]
Author's Note: HEY! I happen to LIKE Yuffie!
Silver: And I happen to DISlike YOU! ~MEGID!~
Author's Note: Ow. Someone please call a doctor. Or two. Or three.
>to fill the part when there
>aren't enough FF7 characters to fill the story,
Shane: Where does HE live? There's _eight_ of them! Who needs more
Silver: O_o Wach it Shane... you're OOC.
Shane: O.O ME?
Jeanna: There goes the fourth wall - again...
>and to add a new
>personality to AVALANCHE.
Silver: AKA, SI.
>Cloud: Okay then.
>Dyne: You'll also notice he gets along with Cid rather well.
>Cid/Dav: Hell yeah! (Pull out cans of hash)
Silver: Need some... ~FIRE~? [evil grin]
Jeanna: [pats out the flames feeding on her clothes] Grr.
Silver: [sweatdrops] Oops.
>Dyne: Until the next deathmatch fic,
X: Which you'll have to read - if I can find it, that is...
Silver: In your DREAMS, X. Hmm... X-rated dreams?
[Jenna whacks Silver with a sitar]
>I say to the losers and those
>who idn't participate... "GET SOME PRACTICE AND MAYBE YOU'LL WIN NEXT
Shane: Er... the 'losers' all died...
Jeanna: They did it with Aerith, so why not resurrect the rest while
they're at it?
Silver: [yawns] I WOULD win. Therefore, I don't NEED to participate.
Jeanna: Like hell you would...
Silver: Oh? How about I just show you just how badly I would hurt
those guys? ~Infinity...~
Jeanna: IIIH! I take that back! I take it BACK!
Silver: I knew you would. ^_^
===[A Place Very Far Away From Earth]===
"...I'm bust," X sighed. Then, unceremonially, he passed out.
"..." Y managed. "...you work too hard."
"Zzzz," X replied intelligently, and Y sighed. "Looks like I'll have
to press the Button again..."
A simple mental command summoned The Button, and Y pressed it
\ | /
\ | /
/ | \
/ | \
Silver blinked. "The door... has moved?"
He stared at the door to the MR room for a few seconds. Then he
produced a piece of chalk and drew a short, vertical line on the wall,
just to the right of the door.
*I will have to look into this...*
THE REAL END!
Sorry, just had to do that.
Finally, I got this damn thing finished. It took far too long, but
here it is... not as good as it cold be, perhaps, but FINISHED.
Brr. No more RPG deathmatch for me... on to something more inspiring.
'Til next time...
"I am the north wind back to Jessie's Comp!"