The Summer Camp from Hell!!
by Cait Sith

Cid:(Drinking tea) Yeah!!! The Dukes kick @$$!!!!!! (Opens a can of hash)
Cloud: Why are we watching this crap! Are we gonna waste our summer on the couch watching TV?
Cait Sith: Yes.
Aeris: Hey, Cloud! I have an idea! Let's go to summer camp! I know this great place called Camp Ohmigodtheburgerbarked!
Tifa: Camp what?!?!
Aeris: Camp Ohmigodtheburgerbarked! It'll be fun!
Cid: Alright, the Dukes are over!
(They all hop aboard the Highwind)
Cait Sith: Why are we goin' to camp?
Yuffie: Yeah! What a waste of time! Uh..... gurk..... oh! (Pukes)
Cid: Oh s**t!! Why do you always f**kin' puke aboard my g*****n ship?!?!?! Clean it up, b***h!!!!
Vincent: It's okay. I'll clean it.
(Highwind lands near the Ancient Forest)
Cid: Where the f**k is this camp?!?!
Aeris: Over there! Let's go!
(A big sign says "Welcome to Camp Ohmigodtheburgerbarked!")
Aeris: Yea! We're here! Happy, happy, joy, joy!!!!!!!!!
Cloud: Calm down, Aeris!
Camp guy: Hi there! Welcome to Camp Ohmigodtheburgerbarked! I'll show you to your shacks..... I mean cabins.
Cait Sith: Holy s**t!!!!! What a rat-infested piece of s**t!!!! You expect me to sleep in that?!?! I've seen better houses in Mexico!!!!
Camp guy: Calm down! It may look "Poor Mexican" on the outside, but inside it's..... uh.... "Rich Mexican"!
Vincent: Isn't that an oximorron?
Yuffie: Yeah! Mexicans are morons!
Vincent: That's not what I meant. On well. Never mind, Hon.
All: HON?!?!?!?!?!?!
Vincent: ......
Aeris: Let's go in!
(Inside the "cabin" looks like a rat-infested, jail house, hole-in-the-wall. The beds are Army surplus, springless cots. The mattresses are large, thin sheets of styrofoam)
Cait Sith: "Rich Mexican" looks like "Under the bridge bum" to me!!!
Vincent: Same thing.
Camp guy:(Walks into "cabin") It's lunch time! Come with me to the Mess Hall!
(Thay all go into the "Mess Hall". It IS a mess)
RedXIII: Oh my god! What a moldy, rotten piece of s**t! And the Mess Hall sucks, too!!
Cloud: You expect me to eat this?!?! I'll probably die of food poisoning!!
Aeris: Uh..... excuse me, but..... WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS PLACE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Camp guy: What's wrong? The foods good! (Goes into back room) Whew! That was close!
Cook: Yeah! Pass the Patte!
Hike guide: Only if you pass the Caviar.
(Back in "Mess Hall")
Cait Sith: This totally sucks @$$!!!! I'm just a stuffed animal and I'm still gonna die!!!!
Yuffie: Oh, come on! It's not that bad!! (Takes a bite of her "Hamburger") OH S**T!!!! (Pukes all over RedXIII)
RedXIII: Aw, come on!!!
Vincent: Are you alright?
Yuffie: Why are you so nice to me?
Vincent: Uh..... I..... no reason.
RedXIII:(Rolls his eyes) Yeah, sure!
Cloud: What other horrors does this camp include?
Aeris: Nature Hike! Yea! This'll be fun!!!
Hike guide: Alright people! Let's all form a line! Okay, follow me!
(They go into the forest and look at the "interesting" wild life)
Cait Sith: This is a bunch of crap!! We're on a death march looking at a bunch of f**kin' bugs and twigs!!!!!
Aeris: What?!?!?! This is interesting!! Oh... the Yellow Bellied Sap Sucker!!!!
Tifa: Yeah! You two related?
Aeris: Tifa, you two cent whore!
Tifa: Up yours!
Aeris: That's where Cloud puts it! And I like it!!!
Tifa: Ugh! Now I'm gonna puke! Oh.... and, uh...... Cloud's mine!!!
Aeris: Oh yeah! I bet he just loves those over-inflated, silicon implants!!!!
Tifa: That's it!! (They rumble like Springer Guests)
Cloud: Stop it, you two! Don't make me choose between you two!!!
Aeris: Yeah! (They stop) He doesn't want to hurt your feelings, Tifa!!!
Tifa: F**k you! He loves me!!! (They rumble some more)
Barret: Oh s**t! Where the hell is da guide?!?!?!
RedXIII: I can find him! (Starts sniffing ground like a Bloodhound. Goes behind a tree) Here he is!
Hike guide: Hey!! Do you mind?!?! I'm kinda' busy back here!! (Continues s**ting)
RedXIII: Oh! Sorry.
Cloud: Areis, Tifa, STOP!!!! I love you both.
Tifa and Aeris:(Stop fighting) What?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Cloud: Are you done?
Hike guide: Yes. Let's head back. It's getting dark! Form a straight line behind me!!!
(They return to camp)
Cook: Dinner time! TIIME FOR DINNER!!!!!
RedXIII: That was redundant.
Cloud: Here we are! What's for dinner?
Cook: Mystery Meat!!
Cait Sith: Yuck! Toad stroganoff! I'll pass!
Cook: Come on! The food here is good!
Cid: Then why the f**k haven't we seen you eatin' it?!?!?!
Cook: Because.... uh.... we eat earlier! Yeah, that's it!
(All go into "Mess Hall")
Cook:(Dishing out slop on everyone's plates) Have some!
Cait Sith: None for me, thanks. (Is given slop anyway) Ewwwwww!!!!!!
Barret:(Scarfing it down) This is goo' stuff, foos!!!! How come you not eatin' it!!!
Cid: Because it is probably some g*****n animal s**t!!!!!
Barret: You sure?
Cait Sith: Smells like it.
Barret: Ah! (Pukes all over RedXIII)
RedXIII: Not again!
(After dinner is over)

Cloud:(Yawns) Wow. I'm tired. Is it bed time yet?
Camp guy: No! Not yet! It's sports time!
Cid: What sports do you have?
Camp guy: Croquet, Checkers, anf Tether ball!
Barret: Those ain't even sports!
Cid: Yeah! I want a can of hash and some tea!!!
Yuffie: Stop whining!
Cid: As soon as you stop stealin' materia!!!
Vincent: Leave her alone!
Camp guy: Alright! It's bed time!
(They all go into "cabin")
Cait Sith:(Sits on bed and sinks to the floor) Great. (Dripping with sarcasm) I just LOVE the wonders of styrofoam!!!
Aeris: This place used to be great! What happened?
Tifa: You stop taking drugs?
Aeris: You little slut!
Cloud: STOP IT!! I hate it when you fight!
Aeris and Tifa: Sorry, Cloud.
Cid: I miss the Dukes!!
(They all just barley get to sleep)
Camp guy: Rise and shine!! Time to get up!!!
Cait Sith: Ahh! (In low, lazy voice) What day is it?
Cloud: Where am I? What time is it?
Camp guy: 6:30 in the morning!!!
Cait Sith: What?!?!?!?!?! It's summer and I'm up before noon!! This sucks @$$!!!!!!
Cid: @$#%*^*%*&%#@$#!%##^$!@!$#^!#@!$#!@$#@@$^#^@%!$%#$%@#$^%#%@^$#^$@%## ^$@^%#@$%@%#@$@%@$^@#%#^%#$%#$%@!$%#%^#^$$%*^^(*&^$@$%$^#%#@%#$ %#!$##r#@#@~#!$%#%$#~$@@%$!~#~!!~!~~#@!$#&%%$$%&@$%$%#%^$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cook: Breakfast!! COME AND GET IT!!!!!!!!
Cloud: Whats for breakfast?
Cook: Pancakes and syrup!
Aeris: Yummy!

(All go into "Mess Hall")
Cook:(Sevring sioppy, syrup-soaked pancakes)
Yuffie: Uh.... excuse me! My pancakes are moving!
Pancake:(Crawls across the plate)
Cook: Oh!! (Picks up a fork and stabs the pancake with it)
Pancake:(let's out a mornful death yell)
Yuffie: Ahhhhh!!!!! (Drops the plate) I'm not hungry!!
RedXIII: I'm not eating this s**t!
Barret: Yeah! Are you trying to kill us?!?!?!?!
Cook: No.
Camp guy: The food is fine!
Cait Sith: Have YOU eaten it?
Cook: No way!!!!
Camp guy: I've seen him make it!!!!
(Suddenly, Sephiroth bursts in)
Sephiroth: There you are! I've been serching for you, Cloud! (Pulls out Masamune)
Cloud: Die, Sephiroth!! (Pulls out Ultima Weapon)
Cook: Wait!! Not in here!!!!
Sephiroth:(Looking around) Where are we?
Aeris: Camp Ohmigodtheburgerbarked!!!
Sephiroth: Oh s**t!! I remember this place!! Daddy sent me here once!!! I barely survied!!!
Cloud: Everyone! There is an evil here worse that Sephiroth!!! We must destroy Camp Ohmigodtheburgerbarked!!!!
Sephiroth: Yeah! I call a truce until we destroy this place!!!!
Cook: Wait! Please! Stop!
Camp guy: This is our home!
Hike guide: Don't distroy our home!
Cait Sith: How do you live eating this food!!
Cook: There is nothing wrong with the food!!
Cloud: You lie!! Look at this!! (Holds up a plate of pancakes)
Pancake:(Stands up) Hey, man!!! F**k you!!! Pancakes, rush 'im!!!!!!
All Pancakes:(Jump on Cloud)
Cloud: Oh s**t!!! (Slices up some pancakes)
Pancake: Oww!! Stop!!! We surender!!!!
All pancakes:(Jump off Cloud)
Cait Sith: The food is fine?!?!?! The pancakes attacked Cloud!!!
Aeris: This place has gone to heck!! What happened?
Camp guy: We've recieved less money recently. We can't afford good food!! I'm sorry.
Cloud: Sorry doesn't cut it! YOU MUST DIE!!!!!
Sephiroth: Damn right, Cloud! (Knocks down "Staff Only" door)
Cook: Stay out of there!!!
Cait Sith: What the hell?!?!?!?!
Yuffie: Caviar.... patte.... nope, no materia!!!
Cid: No g*****n hash! No g*****n tea! I'm not f**kin' interested!
Cait Sith:(Gulping down Caviar) Oh yes!! I love this stuff!!! (Shoves more Caviar into his mouth) Oh yeah!!!!
Cloud: So THAT'S how you survive!!!
Tifa: You've been holding out on us!!!!
Barret: You f**kin' sons of b***hes!!!! You g*****n b******ds!!!!! (Gives them the One Digit Salute)
Aeris: No money, huh! Them how do you afford this?
Cook: Uh.... um.... how did that get there? YOU?!?!?!
Camp guy: Don't look at me! It was her!!!
Hike guide: WHAT?!?!?!?!?! I've never seen that stuff!
Sephiroth: Not only the food, but the "cabins" suck too!!!
Hike guide: I have nothing to do with those!!!
Camp guy: This used to be a concentration camp! It was called Camp Shadow Pines!!!!
Cait Sith: Concentration camp?!?!?!?!
Cloud: I knew it!! You b*****ds!!!!!!
Sephiroth: You shall all die!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cloud: For once, we agree!!!
Aeris: Yeah! I'm pissed!!!
Tifa: This places sucks!
Cid: @$()(&^#*&^^$%&U^*&%$@$&%^&$#^%$*&^%&%*&*^^$$@@#$^$@!$#@$%&&^)(^*&%^^($$# @^$&$#%$%&^%?%$#^$%&$%$#^$?&*^*?$#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need th f**kin' Dukes!
Yuffie: I'm so pissed off right now!!!!!
Vincent: Me too, Baby!! (Changes into a satanistic demon)
Cait Sith:(Finishes last can of Caviar) Die! Die!! DIE!!!!!!!
Barret: I'm so g*****n pissed off dat I'm gonna kick all your mutha f**kin' @$$es!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RedXIII: May you all forever burn in hell!!!!
Cook: No! We're sorry!!!
Cait Sith: I'd say you are.
Camp guy: Please! I'm sorry! Don't!
Hike guide: STOP!!!!!!!
(Cloud, Cait Sith, Aeris, Tifa, Cid, RedXIII, Barret, Yuffie, Vincent, and Sephiroth turn Camp Ohmigodtheburgerbarked into a firey mushroom cloud)
Cloud:(Gives Sephiroth a high five) Hell yeah!
Sephiroth: That was fun! (Flies off)
Aeris:(Summons Leviathon) Only YOU can prevent forest fires!
Cid: I got an idea! Let's go waste our summer on the couch watchin' TV!!!!
Cait Sith: Hell yeah!!!!!
Aeris: Oh poo! Oh well! Hey, Cid, are the Dukes on?
(They all jump into the Highwind and fly into the sunset)

(The End)

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