Debut of Lord Zeta

By Holy Lord Holocaust

SCENE: A typical evening at Tifas bar, which has been remodeled into a mansion of sorts.
Sephiroth has been defeated, and although joy spread throughout
the land...boredom set in quickly. With no super-human villains
threatening humanity, the cast of FF7 simply waste their
lives away at the Seventh Heaven watching TV, or occasionally
taking a trip to the Golden Saucer to play around with the
unbelievable amount of gil they made by selling off a few
of their mastered All-Materias. But all of that is about to change...

Cid: Hell yeah! 24-hour marathon of nothing but the Dukes! (Opens a can of hash.)

Aeris: BUT OPRAH-!!!!

Cid: *($^!@*#&^@*!&#^ OPRAH! WE AINT MISSIN' A SECOND OF THE DUKES!!!!!

Barret: We ain't gonna miss no episode of Mr.T either!!!!!

(Authors Note: Watch it on Boomerang! Its hilarious!)

Cloud: (Trying hard to sound cool) I swear if I miss a minute of Captain Planet...

Yuffie: Yeah well why don't you have another seizure or something,
with your spiked-up hair and- (gets smacked into the wall near
the left corner HARD by the side of Ultima Weapon, instant KO)

Cloud: BI@TH!!!

Everybody: Diss...

Cait Sith: (coming down the elevator) GUYS LOOK! (holds up a magazine)
I made the cover of Cat Fancy!

(Mauls Cait Sith viciously)


Barret: (breaking the silence) Man who the @^#* really give a &@#*#!!!!

Tifa: (finally speaking up) Rachel's giving birth on Friends! I can't miss it!!!

Everybody: #$*&@#@*&#(*#@&($& FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!

Tifa: But-!

Barret: I pity da foo' who miss Mr.T!


Cid: (Standing up on the sofa) EVERYBODY SHUT THE @$#*(&!(*#@&$(*!#&$*(&!#@$(
()#&@$&(*#@&$ UP! DUKES ARE ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Constant yelling, screaming, and fighting goes on for about twenty
minutes until the elevator lowers with a mysterious man aboard
with his back turned to the party. Silence washes over the party
as they turn their gaze to the mysterious being in massive,
broad armor sporting a cape, bandana, spikey Chrono-style
brown hair, and a trimmed beard thats close to his face and not
covering it. Basically...he looks pretty bad@$$.)

Everybody: Huh...?

(A mysterious wind blows from nowhere, making the mans cape, bandana,
and hair blow in a dramatic fashion)

Mysterious Man: Is this how you all act everyday...?

Barret: Man who the @&#$...!

Mysterious Man: Zeta...thats my name.

(Silence goes on for a few seconds until the fighting starts up again)

Cid: (turning back to the TV) VINCE!!!! GIMME
THAT GOD-@(*#*(@!&$(*@&!# REMOTE!!!!!

Vincent: (watching the Grand Ole Opry.)

Cid: (jumps on Vincent and they start rumbling over the remote.)

(Soon the whole party is in on the fight, with curses and obscenities
being screamed nonstop as a 7-Man rumble breaks out)

Zeta: (walks toward the KO'd Yuffie leaning against the wall in a
coma) What the... (leans down and sees a massive bruise
covering the whole side of her face) My God...

FF7 Party: (pays no attention, continues rumbling.)

Zeta: Hey got a hurt comrade here...

FF7 Party: (still pays no attention)

Zeta: No seriously, shes not responding!

FF7 Party: (refuses to pay attention and keeps on brawling)

Zeta: (grabs Cait Siths HP Shout, stands up on the sofa and screams through it)
EVERYBODY CALM THE@*&*(&(*#@($*&(&#@$(&#@($&*(*#@&$(*&#@$*(&#@(%&@!)
()*!(@*#)@*(!#**)(***#)$**#@&$&@#*&&$@#$^&(@#&$@!)#*) DOWN!!!!


Cid: Damn tootin'!!!!!!


Cid: WHAT?!?!!

Zeta: Incase you all haven't noticed...
(points toward Yuffie) She's unconscious...

Cloud: Yeah, serves her right!!!

Barret: I pity da foo' who miss-

Vincent: Barret...

Barret: What?!?!?!

Vincent: No one cares about fact, I'm sure most of us wish
he would go to hell, with his stupid 1-800-COLLECT
commercials and rot there for awhile...

Barret: (limit break meter grows) Yeah well who da f*ck watch
country? If you ask me, it aint nothin' but gay cowboys
*&@#*(&@# with bulls!!!!

Vincent: (limit break meter grows)

Tifa: Well Friends is real people in real situations!!!!!

Zeta: No way in hell...are we watching Friends...

Tifa: WHAT?! (limit break meter grows)

Cid: Damn right! We're watching the Dukes!

Cloud: (singing) Captain Planet!!! Hes the hero!!!!

Delita: (runs around the room in a giant circle)

Ramza: (chasing him) Come back here Delita! I will not disgrace my family!!!!

(Both run out)


(Fighting resumes. Cait Sith and Red XIII are at a standstill in the
corner over the last piece of Meow Mix. Western music fills the air.)

Vincent: Nice...

(Everybody cringes as Vincent begins singing)

Vincent: (terribly off key and screeching) Got a little cow, got a little
chicken! Got a little barn, got a little garden! COUNTRY

Zeta: My god!!! (covers his ears)

(Out of nowhere both Cait Sith and Red lunge at Vincent
and a huge brawl breaks out)

Aeris: Oh my god! Oprahs almost off! Let me watch the last few minutes!!!!!!

Cid: NO GOD @#)($*&@#$(* DAMNIT! DUKES ARE ON SO SHUT IT!!!!

Cloud: (lunges for the remote) Captain Planets final thought!!!!!!

(TV) Captain Planet: So remember kids! Recycling is cool! (Thumbs up)


(Again, the entire FF7 cast breaks out into a brutal brawl.)

Delita: (runs into the room but is pulled into the rumble)

Ramza: Come back here Delita! I will not dis-AHHH!
(Pulled into the rumble)

Zeta: (to Yuffie) How terrible...

(Zeta begins casting Life 4 on Yuffie. While the spell begins to work,
he goes upstairs and fixes himself and her a drink, for he was
taught to respect women.)

Zeta: Hmm…lets see…

(grabs himself a beer, coke, and helps himself to the cabinet)


Ramza: Wait a second! EVERYBODY HOLD ON A SECOND!!!!!!!

(Everybody stops fighting)

Ramza: If we're all gonna sit here and brawl all night,
lets at least use some class!!

Delita: Oh God help us…

(Ramza spaces out everyone across the room)

Cid: #!@^!*@&#^!)@&#^ are you doing?!!?!

Ramza: Its tactics time!!! Now, everybody walk in place!

(Since FF7 characters have no idea how to do that, they simply
march in place. Ramza takes out a big black marker
and begins to draw a grid that covers the entire floor)

Delita: Ramza, please stop this…

Ramza: NO! If we're all gonna brawl, then we're gonna do it like
gentlemen! (takes out a scroll and figures out the turn order)

Cloud: (takes advantage of this opportunity to dive for the remote)

Ramza: (catches Cloud and throws him back against the wall)
Penalty!!!! Penalty!!!! You lose a turn!!!!

Cloud: What??!! DAMNIT!!!!

Cait Sith: Look at Cloud getting punished by a man with a ponytail.

Ramza: (points at Cait) No talking out of turn!!!!

Delita: Lets just do this quick and get it over with…

Zeta: (comes down the elevator with a drink in his hand, cleared out
most of the food upstairs. Notices the grid on the
floor and everyone walking in place)….Hmm…

Ramza: Alright, your objective is to be the last man or woman
standing! Winner takes TV for a week!!! Understood?!

Everybody: ALRIGHT!!!!

Ramza: Now sign this! (rolls out an official scroll of honor)

Zeta: I think I'll sit out on this one…(takes his seat next to Yuffie,
outside of the crowd of heroes signing the scroll of honor)

Yuffie: (eyes open) Mmm….

Zeta: (very quietly, almost in a whisper) Are you all right, my lady?

Yuffie: (snaps into reality) Huh?! MY LADY??!!? (looks over at Zeta)

Cloud: Better not hear any more bad-mouthing on my past problems ya little &#@%#!

Yuffie: Not my fault!!!

Zeta: Wait a second…you KO'd her?!?!

Cloud: Of course I did! Everybody does!!!

Zeta: Damn…

Yuffie: (quietly, trying to sound sweet) You see how they treat me?!!

Zeta: Quite harshly…(hands her a soda) Would you like a drink?

Yuffie: Nah…How about I go fix you something?!

Zeta: I'll get it myself. Asking a woman for something is just…well,
not a good thing to do.

Yuffie: Oh cut out the Knight in shining armor routine!
(runs to the elevator and rides it up.)


Yuffie: (opening a secret compartment at the back of the cabinet.) Aha!
(Pulls out a bottle filled with clear liquid) One drink and I'll own him!
For once I WILL have a man!!!! (pours some beer into a glass and
mixes the potion with it.)


Cloud: Do you know what you're-

Ramza: No talking out of turn!!!!!!

Cloud: QUIET YOU!!! (To Zeta) Do you even
know what kind of a woman Yuffie IS?!?!

Zeta: All I know is that she is a woman…and that is all I need to know.
Every woman deserves respect.

Red XIII: We're not even sure if she IS a woman!!!

(Everybody erupts in laughter except Zeta)

Zeta: What does she do that makes you all hate her so much…?

Cait Sith: She steals our material!!!

Barret: She poke me wit the Shuriken in the @$$!!!!!

Cloud: She don't even got an @$$!!!

(Everybody laughs again except for Zeta)

Zeta: Now how do you know that?

Everyone: Diss…

Aeris: She walked ALL OVER my flowers!!!!

Tifa: She wore my panties and skidded them!!

Red XII: She poured hot sauce all over my Kibbles n' Bits!!

Vincent: She constantly opens my coffin and screams "PEEK A BOO!!!" for no reason.

Cid: Every god-!@#*&!@#*(!@$@*!$ time we ride in the Highwind, she
@)!(&#@)&*#@ pukes ALL OVER the @(#*&(!@&#(* place!!!!

Zeta: Well, she can't help that…

Cid: She can swallow it!!

Everybody: EWIES!!!

Barret: What kind of a pansy-@$$ word is ewies?!?!

Everybody: DISGUSTING!!!!!!

Zeta: Well…I guess Yuffie isn't really that sweet and innocent after all…

Cid: Damn tootin'!


Cid: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Zeta: Hold on a second…I haven't even introduced myself yet…

Cloud: Well go ahead!

Zeta: (stands up) I am Lord Zeta, messenger and servant of the author of
this fanfic, Holy Lord Holocaust. I'm a Knight, as you can see…

Ramza: Really?! How many Breaks do you know?

Cloud: Hey, wheres your weapon!!!

Zeta: Holy Lord Holocaust shall grant me one…(holds his hand to the sky
as Soul Calibur is drawn above him. After the drawing is finished, it
turns into a real sword, and drops into the hands of Zeta.)

Everybody: Whoa…

(Suddenly, straps are drawn out of nowhere onto Zetas left arm. Soon, a
giant tower shield is being drawn, attached to the strap. When the
drawing is complete, it transforms into a real shield.)

Everybody: Ohhh…Ahhh… Zeta: (takes a few practice swings with the massive blade) This'll do.

Ramza: Hey guys! Aren't you all forgetting!?!?!

Everybody: Oh yeah…

(Everybody gets into their positions except for Zeta,
who sits down on the floor and watches.)

Ramza: Alright, here we go! (Looks at the list) Okay Cid, your turn!! (Blue
squares illuminate around him.)

Cid: Hell yeah! (Moves two squares from Barret and
stabs him with the spear)

Barret: (fires back with his gunarm while screaming curses)

Ramza: (Doing the Time-Out signal) Penalty!!!! PENALTY!!! Illegal
counter!!! Lose of turn!!

Barret: (fires a few warning shots at Ramza that barely miss his head)

Ramza: You cut that out!!! (Reads the scroll) Alright Delita, your-

Yuffie: (coming down the elevator) YOOHOO!!!!

Everybody: Oh god…

Yuffie: (hands Zeta the glass) Gotcha something!!

Zeta: Your quite cheery…nice to see.


Delita: Hey calm down alright?! (moves next to Tifa
and successfully uses Steal Heart.)

Cloud: (shocked) WHAT!!!!???

Everybody: (laughs.)

Ramza: Alright Cloud, your turn!

Cloud: (runs to Delita, who happens to be out of range, and viciously attacks)

Tifa: (runs over and starts beating on Cloud) Get off of my man!!!


Zeta: (Gets up, wiping his mouth.) ENOUGH! (takes off his cape, revealing a rocket pack.)

Ramza: (points at Zeta) Illegal Equipment! PENALTY!!! PENALTY!!!

Zeta: I'm a Rocket Knight stupid!!! (jumps up, does a flip, then Rocket
Tackles Ramza through a wall.)

Ramza: (gets up and starts swinging his blade wildly while
screaming "Time Out!!!" and "Penalty!!!"

(All hell breaks loose. Soon it's a huge brawl again, but this
time everyones Limit Breaks are charged.)

Cloud: (Omnislashes Delita into next week.)

Tifa: (puts the Combo Beatdown on Cloud.)

Cait Sith: (uses Slots to turn giant.)

Red XIII: (Finds the bag of Meow Mix and shreds it, then eats
all the goodies inside)

Vincent: (Turns into Chaos and goes berserk on everything.)

Zeta: (Sees Yuffie watching and laughing…then suddenly
gets extremely turned on)

Zeta: Oh my…

Yuffie: (waves and smiles)

Zeta: (almost faints)

Ramza: ZETA!!! I will not disgrace my fam-

Barret: (Clothelines Ramza with his gunarm) I'm so god damn
sick n' tired of hearing that!!

Zeta: (Sneaks out of the huge rumble over the Yuffie and whispers into her
ear) Can we go somewhere where we can talk…?

Yuffie: Sure!!! (Thinking: OH MY GOD!! ITS REALLY WORKING!!!)

(Zeta and Yuffie take the elevator up, leaving everybody else fighting.
When they get up there, Zeta takes a seat at the bar while Yuffie lays
down on it in front of him)

Yuffie: So! What do ya want? (Already knows.)

Zeta: I want…you…

Yuffie: (acting surprised) REALLY?!?!

Zeta: Never have I thought that a woman of such beauty and grace
could roam the Earth…

Yuffie: Aww, your so shweet!!! (giggles, making Zeta even hornier.)

Zeta: Is there a room in here where we can be alone…?

Yuffie: We ARE alone, silly!!!

Zeta: (thinking hes about to crash, ya know?) Yeah…

Yuffie: You're a rocket knight, right?

Zeta: Yes…a master of the Job.

Yuffie: (leaning in) Well…lets see how well your thrusters work… (winks)

Zeta: (Looks at her for a few seconds before getting up on the bar, taking
off his armor, and…well, I'm sure you know what went on for the rest
of the night.)


(The basement is utterly destroyed. The walls are full of huge holes, the
carpet is shredded, the sofa is ruined, and the TV is damaged beyond repair.)


Zeta: (Wakes up on Yuffie) God, what a night…(stretches) Yuffie you ROCK!!!

Yuffie: Baby you were GREAT!!!

Zeta: Before the others get up here, how about getting dressed? (Hops off
the bar, looking for his plate mail)

Yuffie: (Looks for her shorts.)


Ramza: (wakes up face down, with a sharp pain in the back of his head.)
Ahhh…damn…(proceeds to wake up the others.)

Barret: *@#& man…I think I shot myself in da @$$!

Tifa: (waking up in a room far back in the basement)

Delita: (wakes up, covered in pain) Because I loved you,
but you didn't love me…


Tifa: Cloud, its alright…I still love you…

(Soon, everybody has awakened. Pain is a common feeling amongst the
crowd, but nothing could compare them to the sight they saw)

Cid: (Jaw drops) TV…the TV! THE #@$*(&#()$&#$(@#)$&)(*@!&#$)(* TV!!!

Vincent: NO! Garth Brooks concert is today!!!


Authors Note: And that concludes Chapter 1. Stay tuned…

Chapter 2 (Whenever)

I hope the constant TV fighting hasn't bored you enough to head back